This doesn't really have to do with civ at all, but I don't know where else to post it. Enjoy the weirdest story ever written.

The Chronicles of Billy the Great

Volume I

Version V

By Jake Stevens

With Significant chunks Shamelessly Plagiarized from virtually all other writing, be it fiction, nonfiction, or non-un-semi-fiction.

Reading this may kill you.

Or at least annoy you.

You have been warned.

Turn back now if you hope to live. (Or read a good book)

Monkeys are Awesome!
Unless they want to eat you, which makes them slightly less awesome, and slightly more dangerous.

This story is based on imaginary events that occurred just recently in an imaginary world just beyond the back of your mind.




Chapter 1

Billy was sitting on his golden throne in central Tibet, when he began to ponder how it had all begun. Once, only a few thousand years ago, he had been a rather ordinary 14-year-old boy, living in a rather ordinary town, leading a rather ordinary life. He was expected to go on leading this rather ordinary life, until of course it neatly led into a rather ordinary afterlife, through a rather ordinary death, like choking on a meatball or falling down some stairs.

Fortunately, or unfortunately for Billy,
Fate had other plans.

When it all started there was nothing much happening, Billy was hanging around, watching TV, and was pretty bored. He was just about to turn off the TV when he saw something interesting on the news. According to the newscaster (a rather overweight slightly balding man who had his job because he had once been quite thin and not so bald) bizarre phenomena had begun to occur all over the world. These phenomena included sightings of fantastic creatures; sudden displays of magical power by people who looked suspiciously wizardish, and of course the fact that a new continent had risen up in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Not many facts were in, but the new continent was being tentatively called Atlantis, due to the fact that its population had broadcasted a radio message stating that:

“The Lost Continent of Atlantis has risen again, and magic has returned to the world. All ye humans, along with any lawyers and politicians who may being living among you, despair, for ---BOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

This was as far as Billy got, because his TV had just exploded. Billy, looking around in a daze, soon saw the cause of this seemingly spontaneous combustion. This cause seemed to Billy to be, for lack of a better word, a dragon.

Yes, at that very moment a 5 foot long blood red beast with large wings, which had just breathed a tongue of flame through the window, utterly destroying the television, along with some perfectly good curtains, was sitting quite calmly on the sidewalk outside Billy’s house, seemingly totally unaware of the distress it had just caused Billy.
Billy, who until this point had been too stunned to speak, screamed, “A Dragon is outside my window and it just blew up the TV!!!”
Although this might seem like stating the obvious to us, as well as being useless because Billy was alone in the house, it did have one very important side affect.
The beast outside the window said to Billy, in perfect English, “I am most certainly not a dragon you fiendish young ape. Honestly, it’s like me calling you a human or something!”
“But I am a human,” replied Billy somewhat weakly. Wondering whether this would cause the dragon (or whatever it was) to incinerate him along with the curtains and the television.
Luckily for Billy, all that happened was that the dragonish thing turned an even brighter shade of crimson than it was already, and said, “Oh, I’m terribly sorry, it’s just that I wasn’t expecting to see a human. You’re the first I’ve seen for several hundred years. I don’t believe I’ve introduced myself; I am Ziladrious Maximus Quintadrius, a Zark, and most certainly not a dragon. You can call me Zil!”

This was all a bit too much for Billy, and he passed out just as he thought: Huh? A Zark?

Chapter 2

About an hour later, Billy came to, and saw Zil the Zark standing next to him, observing his movements inquisitively. He nearly passed out again when Zil lunged towards him and said “Hello! Are you awake? Or are you actually dead? I never can tell with humans.”
Billy managed to stay conscious, which turned out to be very lucky for him, as Zil was close to giving up on Billy’s chances of survival and making a good meal out of him. Billy’s first thought upon awakening was this: ^%$*^&%, why couldn’t that thing have been part of my dream?
His first sentence was “What happened?” and the first response to that sentence was “You passed out. I can’t imagine why. It’s like you’d never seen a Zark before.”
Slowly regaining his wits Billy asked a slightly more coherent and much more interesting question: “What is a Zark and why are you here anyway?”
To this Zil responded, “Why a Zark is a member of the Wyvern family, along with Dragons, Basilisks, and Serpentine Goats. All Wyverns are reptilian, many breathe fire, and several are world-devouring monsters bent on consuming both this and every other universe. I’m here because I received this very notice.”

At that, Zil pulled a piece of old parchment out of a pouch on his side and showed it to Billy. It said:

To whom it may concern:

Due to the efforts of the Glibsabbian circle of magicians, yet another world has been opened up to the wider universe. This world, A3RIWH6.3B, or as the locals call it, Earth, is suitable for any colonization group, as it has no magical defenses whatsoever, and mostly believes that some kind of omnipresent “god” has control over a very orderly universe. We hope you join us on Earth, and remember to eat at McGlibsabs.

This message was brought to you by McGlibsabs, in association with BornakyTiggleFlesh and Purpleworld.

After reading this letter Billy was almost ready to pass out again. But instead he said, “What do they mean we’re suitable for colonization? And what does A3RIWH6.3B mean? And what’s going on????????”
Zil was about to explain all this when he looked up, said, “Holy Zarkadia”, and took to the sky, leaving Billy standing there with a confused look on his face.
Chapter 3

Before Billy had even had time to start thinking about what had just happen, a squirrel darted by him. A second later, a cat shot by in hot pursuit. At first Billy was relishing this mundane scene, but the illusion of normality was shattered when the squirrel exclaimed, “Help! Help! Anyone! Save me from this ferocious feline of death!”
Billy, who was becoming less and less easily startled as the day went on, immediately swept to the squirrels defense. Grabbing the cat, he ran inside and shut the door.
After a preemptory “bad kitty” he ran back out to see the talking squirrel. Once Billy approached, the squirrel looked straight at him, walked up on it’s hind legs and said,
“Hello kind stranger. I, Gertrude, the Queen of the talking squirrels, thank you for saving my life and defeating the kitty menace.”
“Uhh, I… well, you’re welcome Gertrude. My name is Billy”, replied Billy. This wasn’t his most composed moment, but hey, how well would you be doing in his situation?
“I insist that you come with me to the kingdom of the talking squirrels so that you can receive the gratitude of the squirrel nation,” said Gertrude. She was obviously the kind of person (or squirrel) who was used to getting her way, and had decided to take charge of this bumbling giant before he could do any harm.
“Sure, I’ll come, but uh, let me get my stuff,” said Billy nervously. Moments later he had dashed into the house, and retrieved a pocketknife, some food, and a change of clothes. Little did he know that he would never see home again. Once he came back out Billy was stunned to see that where the oak tree in his front yard had once stood there was a portal into a forest.
Next to the portal was Gertrude, who said, “Come friend Billy, the realm of the squirrels awaits.”
Billy, doing his best to seem confident, strolled over to the portal, took a deep breath, and walked through.

Chapter 4

Once on the other side of the portal, Billy looked around and discovered that this wasn’t just a forest, it was the forest. Each gigantic oak tree was hundreds of feet tall, with branches so thick on the top layers that from the ground you couldn’t see the sky at all.
Of course the most extraordinary part of all of this was not the trees, but the squirrels. On every tree and all over the ground, millions of squirrels were going to and fro on whatever squirrelly business they had.
Gertrude, seeing that she wasn’t getting the attention that she should, climbed onto Billy’s head, much to his distress, and exclaimed,
“Hear me brethren, I have returned from the world of the giants with the friendly giant Billy who so nobly saved me from a one of the terrors of that world, a tabby cat.”
After a few shocked exclamations and mutterings about the evils of tabby cats, the squirrels broke into squirrelly applause and began to cheer. At first Billy thought that the squirrels were about to attack because he heard squirrel-cheering sounds like this: skee-skee-skakee, skee-skee-skakee. But when none of the squirrels charged or seemed to be filled with murderous rage, Billy realized that they were simply celebrating the return of their beloved queen Gertrude. At this point Billy became one of the few people to see a full-scale squirrel festival, which involved a lot of leaping maniacally from tree to tree and making strange noises.
After this had gone on for a while, Billy asked Gertrude some questions that had been bugging him, namely, “Why is there a portal in my front yard?” and “What is this squirrelly place?”
“This is the realm of the squirrels. Any talking squirrel can open a portal to here through any tree in the world. The regular squirrels have lost the skill, along with speech and intelligence. All I did to get you here was open up a portal big enough for a giant to pass through,” replied Gertrude, in a manner that made it seem like she was explaining something obvious to a small child.
Now, Billy thought, we are getting somewhere. Hoping to get some more answers he blurted out, “Gertrude, this may seem like a strange question but, WHAT IS GOING ON? I mean, one minute I’m sitting around and then a dragon, or a Zark, or whatever comes up and blows up the TV and tells me the Earth is being colonized by magic people from another universe and I just don’t get it!”
Gertrude, correctly sensing that if she didn’t supply some answers very fast the giant was going to have a nervous breakdown said, “Well Billy, your world is only one of millions of others. Many of these worlds are connected, and filled with magical creatures, like the Zark you mentioned.

When one of their scouts finds a new world, a group of magic folks will perform a spell to eliminate the boundaries between that world and all of the others. Once this is done, anyone with a drop of magic in them can cross between that world and all of the others. The spell was performed just recently on your world, which is why the magic has suddenly returned.”
“So, is that why you’ve come to earth?” asked Billy, thinking that he was finally starting to understand what was happening.
“Yes,” replied Gertrude. “Although my kind have always been linked to your world through the trees, we have had to stay away in order to avoid discovery. Now that the magic has returned, however, we can come and go as we please, without risk of upsetting your people.”
“Ah, I get it now.” Said Billy sleepily. Now that all of the activity of the day was finally getting to him he collapsed onto the ground, barely missing a squirrel, and fell into a deep sleep.









Interlude

All right, I now have pictures! WOOT!

I did a google search for “Zark” and got this. So if this was all red, five feet tall, had arms, and was both alive and not made of plastic, it would be just like Zil the Zark.


This is Gertrude, Queen of the talking Squirrels.


This is Billy’s house. The tree on the right is the one the portal opened through. I wonder what will happen when the person who owns this house in real life reads my story?


This is the forest of the squirrels. Minus the squirrels.


This is Billy’s Palace in Tibet, where he will eventually sit on his golden throne and ponder this story that I’m telling you.

Chapter 5

Billy woke up the next morning feeling refreshed and ready to face the day. Moments later, he realized that he was sitting in a forest surrounded by talking squirrels, and the world as he knew it had gone insane. After thinking about this for a few moments, and nearly being pooped on by a squirrel overhead, Billy made an important decision. He went back to sleep.
The next time Billy woke up, about fifteen minutes later, he felt that his mood was much more appropriate for the situation at hand. He was sore, grumpy, bewildered, and depressed. After looking around and deciding that going to sleep again wouldn’t result in him waking up in his own bed and discovering that this was all a dream, Billy finally got up.

(On a side note, I would just like to say that I’m getting much better at this writing thing. I used to write entire stories in about a page, while now I just wrote 2 paragraphs about Billy lying around thinking about getting up. WOOT!)

Once Billy had arisen, he noticed the crowd of squirrels sitting around in the nearby trees. Every single one of them was staring at him, except one who was intently studying a small beetle. At this point Billy asked the obvious question, namely:
“Why are all of you squirrels staring at me?”
Upon hearing this, one of the squirrels went up to Billy, showing great bravery, and exclaimed,
“Oh great giant, savior of our queen, we have come to entreat you to once again nobly aid our beloved nation in its eternal quest for salvation from the forces of darkness.”
Billy said what you are probably thinking, which is: “Huh? Come again?”
The squirrel, seeing that the queen was right about the giant not being too bright clarified his message by saying,
“WE NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!! A group of ferocious felines has somehow infiltrated our domain, and is proceeding to attempt to devour us!”
Billy was beginning to get the hang of this squirrels flowery language, and thinking that all he would have to deal with was a pack of cats, said,
“Okay, sure, where are these cats?”
The squirrel (who by the way is named Florence) replied, “They’re exactly 300 tree lengths west of here. Come with me!”
Billy followed obediently, and before he knew it they had found the “feline menace”. Unfortunately for Billy, this was not a pack of alley cats. It was a pride of lions. These weren’t just any lions though; these were what our lions wish they were. Standing seven feet at the shoulder, capable of running 90 mph, with claws that could rip open a tank, and a roar that could burst your eardrums and leave you crying on the floor, these lions meant business. At the moment, that business was devouring any squirrel that they could get their paws on, along with any other animal they found in these woods.
Seeing this, Billy began to grow slightly worried. Perhaps, he thought, he shouldn’t have volunteered to defeat these lions. But Billy was true to his word. He approached the lions, and said, “Excuse me my good lions, could you leave these squirrels alone?”
The lion nearest to Billy looked over at him bared its teeth, and leaped right at him. Just as Billy was getting ready to run, the lion said,
“I’m sorry, you’ll have to speak up.”
Billy, who was very pleased with himself at not having run away screaming like a little girl, said,
“Uh, I was asking if you could leave these nice squirrels alone. Please.”
The lion, who seemed amused at the very idea, threw back his head and laughed deeply, calling over to his friends, “Guys, come look at this! This guy wants us to stop eating the squirrels!”
Then, to Billy, he said, “So, why shouldn’t we eat them?”
Billy summoned his courage, and immediately began a long sermon about the sanctity of life, the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, and everything else he could think of that could possibly stop the lions from eating the squirrels.
After Billy had been talking for about 2 hours, he stopped, rather out of breath, and waited for a reply. To his astonishment, lions were all teary eyed, and the one he had spoken to at first said,
“Friend, you have truly moved us. I declare that from now on, none of my pride shall harm an innocent thinking being again. In fact, I propose that my nation and the nation of the squirrels merge, so that we may live in peace and harmony.”
Billy, who was rather stunned at this heartfelt speech, replied, “Well I guess that’s settled then.”
Having gotten this out he, in a manner that was becoming more and more familiar to him, passed out. (By the way, if you’re wondering why Billy always passes out, he has a rare disease, which causes him to pass out in moments of significant stress. A.k.a moments when I want to end a scene.)

Chapter 6

Once Billy came to, he discovered that he was once again surrounded by squirrels. The moment that he opened his eyes one of the squirrels yelled
“Billy is awake, fetch the lions and queen Gertrude!”
This caused a flurry of activity, involving a bunch of screaming squirrels fanning out in all directions yelling, “Billy is awake!! Billy is awake!!”
A minute later the entire pride of majestic lions, along with queen Gertrude and the squirrel royal court, arrived in the clearing where Billy was lying. Billy was relieved to see that they were getting along, but was shocked at what they said.
“We have come to a decision.” Said Gertrude, motioning to the lion to go on.
The lion (whose name you will learn in a moment), said,
“Greetings Billy the wise, I don’t believe we have been properly introduced. I am Leonus Rex, King of the lions. We have a dilemma. While both I and the noble Queen Gertrude agree that the lions and squirrels should form one nation, we cannot decide who will lead. No lion could accept a tiny squirrel as his monarch, and no squirrel wishes to be led by a lion. We need a neutral party who will rule wisely and well, and will rule fairly. In a word, we want you to be our King!”
Billy, stunned at this news, responded, “Well this is a great honor that I don’t know if I quite deserve, but yes, I will be your king.”

Chapter 7

Upon hearing that Billy would be king, festivities ensued. The lions and the squirrels seemed to be getting along wonderfully, now that the lions were no longer trying to eat the squirrels. After a few days of festivities, the business of the new government began.
The government would work like this. Leonus Rex would govern the lions as he had always done, Queen Gertrude would govern the squirrels as she had always done, and Billy, who had veto power of their decisions, would settle any disputes between the two.
Soon after the start of this business, Billy began to make inquiries. He basically annoyed a lot of people who had other important work to do, but had to answer his questions because he was king. Although this made him a few enemies, like the great squirrelly scribe, Vibinellwortz, It was necessary. After all, Billy had just become king of a nation that he knew nothing about, in a world he knew nothing about, in a universe he knew nothing about.
What Billy eventually learned through all of this inquisitiveness, were the answers to all of the questions that were burning in his mind, as well as yours. But will I tell you what these answers were? Yes I will.

1. What does A3RIWH6.3B mean?

It means Average size, 3rd planet from the sun, Rocky, Infested With Humans, 6.3 Billion people.

2. What’s up with those magical dudes who brought magic back into the world?

The U.M.A, or Ultimate Magical Authority governs most of the known universe. Two councils run this organization. These are the upper house, made up of the most powerful magical beings in their jurisdiction, and the lower house, which is made up of elected officials. The U.M.A only has much power over exploration and other relationships with the outside universe. Elsewhere, there is a large degree of self-governance. For example, if someone wants to practice human sacrifice within their boarders, that’s okay, but if they want to import timber illegally from another dimension, the U.M.A would come down on them like a ton of bricks.

3. Why did the U.M.A want to open up the earth?

Many factions in the U.M.A are constantly looking for new places to colonize. Whenever one of their scouts finds a suitable world he finds a group of magicians, who open up the planet.




4. What groups have come to earth?

Numerous different races and species have come to earth. Some are harmless or even helpful, like biziltors, a race of small winged lizards that eat mosquitoes, and others are ferocious and dangerous, like red dragons, which eat everything in sight. The largest single group are the Atlanteans, who lived on the earth thousands of years ago and have returned.

5. What’s up with the Atlanteans?

They were a civilization that lived on earth many thousands of years ago when the
Earth had magic. They tried to conquer the world, but failed and were banished out into the multiverse, along with all of the earth’s magic. Now that earth has been rediscovered, they have returned.

6. What happened to Zark?

Nobody knows, at least, not yet. Well, I do, but I won’t tell you that in order to avoid Lynch mobs.



Interlude

This is just a little section to let you know what is going on back on planet earth.

This is a map of earth, with Atlantis.



Atlantean armies have emerged from Atlantis and are currently invading every nation on the North Atlantic Ocean, claiming that they have the right to rule the world. After declaring Atlantis part of the axis of evil and demanding that they give up their WMDs (Weapons of Magical Destruction) president Bush ordered the invasion of atlantis. Unfortunately for the invading Americans, technology hasn’t worked all that well against them, demonstrated by the fact that efforts to nuke Atlantis were stopped by a magical force field. Throughout the world people are trying to cope with the influx of magical beings into our world. In some areas there have been attempts to persecute them, but this hasn’t worked well because they’re well, Magic, and are usually able to deal with what we throw at them.

Expect an interlude every few chapters.

That's all for now. I'll probably post more every couple days.

This is quite amazing, except the pictures DON'T SHOW!!!