Can a warrior who loves the fight – but who does not like to MM and is only average at the task - win on a regular size map @ Always War Sid? Theodora must find out.

To do this, Theodora must maximize her beauty and her assets by taking full advantage of the AI weakness.
The AI won’t attack armies, and are loath to attack boats that are stacked. Theodora will pillage and pillage and pillage some more and will show no mercy for any AI improvements. The AI will never set foot on the Byzantine soil if they are sunk before they reach Theodora’s homeland. Fortifying units all around the Byzantine coastline is too much of an exploit and Theodora will not tolerate it. She will taunt the AI with her open unguarded coastline and minimally protected cities. She will create a kill zone on water for her Dromons.

Yes, yes, yes…it’s cheating to use an archipelago map, but Theodora realizes winning on continents or Pangaea is not possible, and has chosen an island map. :D

Theodora’s thoughts are:
* She wants to win by conquest or domination.
* She desired a map where she is alone on an island with decent terrain. For her this means food, fresh water and luxuries. The resource she covets is saltpeter. She will play a random standard size island map with a decent start.
* Theodora will send out dinky little boats asap to meet the neighbors & get them in war mode as early as possible. She hopes there are sea tiles between her and the neighbors to protect her coast until Astronomy. If there is a coastal passage to the Byzantine island, she is in deep water. ;) The mighty Sid AI fears the sea until Astronomy. By the time astronomy arrives, Theodora will rule the seas. The downside of this is that luxuries and resources across the seas are not available to her until astronomy.
* Theodora has no plans to move the research slider above 10% for most of the game. She will use 0% and a lone scientist much of the game. If Theodora misses the Glib, she is doomed to life as a concubine, unless of course Theodora can capture the Glib by baiting the AI away from the Glib city. The sight of a beautifully exposed lone Byzantine warrior can be quite alluring to the digital eyes of a 100+ stack of lonely pikes and MI.
* The Byzantine shipbuilders must build fire-spewing dromons by the dozens and pillage the AI coastal tiles to slow the tech pace. These flamethrowers must sink all AI ship traffic until the AI has a full complement of land units, at which point the AI will have no cash to support a decent navy.
*Invasion plans involve an attack on an AI continent with massive musket support to produce a bunch of leaders on defense, and knock off an ironless backward AI. Theodora plans to settle on a hill, rush walls, then sit back and watch 100+ AI archers make 40 Byzantine elite muskets in a single turn. Her first target must be ironless and only be able to attack with horse or archer units.
* The newly seized AI lands, as well as any crappy little island she sees will be populated by corrupt cities, which will be placed on wealth for the unit support and will grow taxmen.
* The leaders obtained from strike force alpha will build musket armies to be inserted on the more advanced AI homelands. The army insertion is tricky, and success depends on a favorable AI island shape. If no safe landing area exists, Theodora will patiently wait for the arrival of Caravels since the AI won’t attack a 2-musket army with MI or knights on a mountain insertion. Theodora is unsure of how cavalry will react to a 2-musket army on a mountain, and she will avoid finding out.
*Theodora will bait the AI to pull them out of the cities, then raze cities with artillery and cheap LBs. Theodora expects to not build any MI or swords even if she has iron because they are too expensive. Theodora wants to hoard cash for a spear and archer upgrade.
* If the game ever gets to communism, Theodora has plans to revolt in a heartbeat, despite how unfair it will be to the AI. Otherwise she will remain a queen.
*What has Theodora forgotten…oh, build the Glib.
*Did she mention pillage?
Chapter One (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2662026&postcount=2)
Chapter Two (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2664499&postcount=7)
Chapter Three (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2666649&postcount=8)
Chapter Four (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2669351&postcount=14)
Chapter Five (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2673342&postcount=20)
Mail Call (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2673438&postcount=22)
Chapter Six (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2677146&postcount=28)
Chapter Seven (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2680172&postcount=32)
Chapter Eight (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2682356&postcount=33)
Chapter Nine (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2685288&postcount=39)
The Monument (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2686902&postcount=41)
Chapter Ten (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2696011&postcount=47)
Chapter Eleven (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2713629&postcount=62)
Chapter Twelve (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2715958&postcount=75)

Chapter One
4000 BC to 700BC
[EDIT] Theodora ordered a total rewrite of Chapter 1 which was posted April 1.

:nuke: Warning: Theodora’s AWS adventure is full of lousy and corny jokes and is not suitable for those who have not entered fifth grade, or those who do not find fifth grade humor funny. Don't say I didn't warn you.


Theodora founds her capital on a river near two milk trucks and the game tips in her favor at this point. The game tips! At 4000BC! Yes, you read it right. The game is over already, the AI just doesn’t know it. These AI…they are so predictable…it’s like the are programmed or something. Anyway, Theodora has spent so much time thinking outside the box her head is spinning. Sometimes she thinks so many people are now outside the box that being inside the box is now like being outside the box.

Theodora has lots to do. She has selected Always War Sid because it sounds really good in a signature line, and AWS just sort of rolls off her beautiful tongue. She is a dedicated warrior, but she is not suicidal, so an island world has been randomly generated for her conquest. Theodora instructs her research team to pursue writing at the minimum because she must have the Great Library…and shoes. She craves shoes. And guns. Theodora really really likes guns. The bigger the gun, the better she likes it.

In 3000BC – that’s right 3000BC the Greeks finish the Colossus. Theodora is not impressed and laughs at the idea of torching that baby. The Greeks should have built something useful like a shopping mall or a shoe factory.
Theodora loves shoes.

1950 BC dawns with the completion of the Pyramids by the woefully “in the box” Egyptians. Who builds the Pyramids on an island map? Cleopatra is a skank for sure, but Theodora will have the last laugh when she owns all of Cleo's shoes in a few thousand years. Cleo will one day become the royal shoe cleaner.

During 1750BC a lone exploring dinky boat meets Mao and the Chinese. Mao is a pig, but Theodora bats her eyes at Mao and offers her best smile. She offers Mao a treat to butter him up. “My, what a nice rack you have Theodora” Mao says as she bends over to pick up a hanky she purposefully dropped. “Would you care to stay for dinner?”

“I might if you trade me trade writing for masonry & 60 gold” Theodora replies. “But if you want to amuse me, you’ll have to buy me 1000 pairs of shoes, dress like a woman and oink like the little piggy you are.” Theodora replies with a sweet smile. Mao immediately agrees to Theodora’s demands. She takes the trade and the shoes, but leaves Mao as he runs after her oinking like a little piggy. Men are all pigs Theodora decides, unless they are not.

The Aztecs greet Theodora in 1675, and she is under whelmed by their homelands and their sense of fashion. She has seen ugly leaders before, but this guy is one for the ages. She looks up ugly in the dictionary, and sure enough, there is a picture of leader of the Aztecs next to the word ugly.
She conceals her disgust, trades CB for pottery then writing for WC.
Theodora then inquires whether there is a connection between the size of the Aztec spears and the size of their…. Theodora is amused, but the Aztecs are not. Theodora knows funny, and that was funny! Soon after Theodora asks the Aztec warriors to “drop trou”, but this is not funny to them either, so she declares war on the humorless and ugly Aztecs.

Around 1575BC Theodora meets :love:Caesar, and immediately finds him attractive. It’s almost as if the Romans and Byzantines are related somehow. Theodora is delighted to see that Caesar is wearing a dress, although he insists on calling it a toga. He is a man of fashion, and he dresses like a girl. Theodora likes that! Caesar is quite smitten with Theodora’s beauty, and he accepts CB plus 100 for the wheel. Theodora did not really need the wheel, but she kind of likes Caesar. Theodora makes Caesar a truly gracious offer. “Come to the isle of Byzantines and be my boy toy Caesar. I’ve got lots of special little outfits you can wear to amuse me during the long summer nights. Cheerleader outfits, nurse outfits, we will have such fun! Best of all, I’ll respect you in the morning! Well, maybe not respect, but you get the idea.” Caesar is not amused and war is declared. Caesar is so mad that in 1550 he sinks Theodora’s dinky yacht, forcing her to swim home. Theodora is distraught as she watches her best shoes go to the bottom of the sea, and she learns a bitter lesson. She knew she should have stacked her dinky boats for protection, but got careless. Still, Theodora has grown fond of Caesar and will kill him last as a sign of her true love for him. Well, it’s more like lust than love, but you get the idea.

In 1475 the hated French build SoZ. Theodora hates Joan. “Joan is so beautiful, Joan is so smart, Joan has the best shoes in the world, Joan is a fashion queen”. Theodora is absolutely sick of hearing this kind of talk. Sick of it. Theodora is the one with the real fashion sense. I mean, who wears a helmet to dinner? Theodora is sick of hearing people talk about Joan. Theodora will take that helmet, turn it sideways, and stick it up Joan’s candy arse. She will destroy Joan’s cities, steal all her fashion designers, and make Joan scrub palace floors with a toothbrush. And she will take all Joan’s shoes.

By 1400 Theodora is bored again. She is tired of killing barbs and building settlers and endless committee meeting about the progress of the Glib Pre-build. She wants to shop! Her new domestic advisor :mischief: – Mr. Big - tells her Literature is due a couple of turns before the palace and not to worry. He assures her this is a good thing. Still, she ends the meeting and decides to improve the pre-build city's tiles a bit and then join some workers to the city. She seeds Mr. Big to the mall to fetch some shoes and then
She’s off to a cooking class to learn more of the spices & wines on her continent and how to best use them to keep the sheeple happy.

When 1375 rolls around Theodora is forgetting to check her cities each turn because she does not like to MM. She knows she must because the governors are a bunch of lazy fat men. Men are pigs – except for Caesar. Any man that wears a dress is Theodora’s kind of man. Her advisors tell her she is #6 in land GNP and goods, but she could care less. The game tipped in 4000BC. She notes Rome & the Aztecs are sharing a skinny little piece of land. China’s power bar is huge to Theodora, but she is far more beautiful. China’s big power bar gets her to thinking. “Mr. Big, would you put on your special outfit and fetch some snack crackers for Theodora?”

China begins the great lighthouse in 1275. Theodora thanks the lucky candle that it will be so near for her use later on and hits the malls to celebrate. It is always a good time to shop. After another boring round of MM, Theodora checks on her dinky boats which are methodically probing the seas for borders or possible suicide paths. During the 1200’s Theodora counts her money, and has a righteous pile of gold. She decides to build more workers & barracks. To this point she has built workers, spears, settlers, warriors for MP and a lone archer to kill some barbs.

Aha – Theodora spots the pink borders of the hated Joan. Theodora hates Joan. Joan wishes she had Theodora’s brains and *its. C’mon people, that’s WITS, get your minds out of the gutter.

During 1200BC a dinky boat makes a suicide run for Joan's borders and sees more borders but no units. Theodora hates Joan, but is thankful that Joan’s boats cannot reach the Byzantine shores because of the sea. Theodora lights a lucky candle to protect her little dinky sailboat on the IBT in the rough seas.

As we enter the 1100’s BC Theodora’s tiny little excuse for a boat survives and Theodora meets Joan. “You look fat in that dress, your makeup is all wrong, you are a skank and all your waiters are rude! And you didn't invent french toast or french fries! You stole them!” Theodora yells at Joan. Theodora will not trade with Joan and just declares war. While Theodora could have done trades, she will never pay any of her money to Joan when she can steal Joan’s techs via the Glib.

It’s only 1175 and already Theodora is forgetting again to check cities each turn. “Math is hard” she sighs. Do I want 6 shields per turn or 7. “Oh screw it” she says and heads off to her favorite little row of shops. “These shops are just soooooo cute!” she screams. Deep down the shopping does not satisfy Theodora, she wants some war action, or at least a decent cheeseburger. “A waist is a terrible thing to mind” she sighs as she orders a salad. During lunch she learns that the French build Great Wall. Theodora is totally unimpressed. “Joan is such a loser!” she laughs. “Doesn’t she realize her walls are useless when her cities grow over size 6?

Theodora is pleased to learn that a second dinky boat waits in the sea for a run to France. If dinky 2 makes it across, it will hook up with dinky 1 to form an impenetrable exploration force of two Dinky’s. The Sid AI will quake in their harbors as they see 2 dinky's approach. Theodora must keep an eye on the Sumerians, they have built ToA. Their lands must be good.

In 1075 Joan has sent two dinkys out to greet Theodora’s fleet. As the two French dinky’s approach, Theodora orders her captains to hit the gas and out run Joan’s boats. Theodora reminds the captain that their mission is to gather intelligence, not to fight.

As a settler heads off to complete the Byzantine half ring core Theodora ponders a capital in the center of the island, and calls for Mr. Big. Meanshile, Sumeria is on a wonder roll as the century closes and builds the HG in 1000BC.

Around 900BC the dinky fleet spots some yellow borders. The extremely ugly Aztecs beg for peace. Theodora tells them she will take peace if they “drop trou”. They accommodate her, she then tells them they need shorter spears, and that she lied about peace. The Aztecs are so hot they sacrifice a bunch of their own people. Their own people! Theodora does not understand this. Those people could have been put to work making shoes!

During the 8th century BC Theodora’s admiral still cannot find a safe crossing to the yellow borders, and so keeps poking around in the safe coastal squares to look for safe sailing routes. Theodora attends another of the endless Great Library pre build meetings and learns that she will get Literature in 15 turns and the palace pre build is due in 21.

During this century the dinky fleet sees green borders. Theodora meets Alex and sizes him up immediately as a nerdy looking little girlie man. He is the antithesis of her beloved Caesar. Although is a little girlie man, Alex refuses to dress in women’s clothing for Theodora’s amusement! The last straw is when Alex refuses to hand over his island and accept a role as the official royal shopping bag carrier. Theodora plans for the destruction of Athens and declares on the Greeks.

In the 7th century BC Rome begs for mercy, but Theodora and Caesar cannot come to terms. It breaks Theodora’s heart to see Caesar like this. Why can’t he accept his destiny as her royal boy toy?

later on in the 7th century BC Theodora meets the Sumerians, who are a bunch of rural scientific farmers – she thinks. She is too lazy to confirm this, and since these Sumerians think malls, shoes and purse collections are pointless, Theodora declares on them. What is about these men? Do they hate Theodora because she is so beautiful? In a moment of contemplation Theodora wonders why all the other monarchs are materialistic, arrogant, self absorbed jack butts. She is not like all the rest, she is fashionable, she has style and best of all, she has great wits. Theodora makes a mental note that Sumeria has horses, iron and a huge power graph. The graph is so large it makes her excited. She wonders if the size of the power graph is an indicator of the size of the Sumerians… oh never mind. She makes a note to pick up a hula girl outfit for Mr. Big to wear around the palace over the weekend.

More boring meetings where the generals fret about Sumeria and Joan because they are the most powerful countries in the world. Theodora hates Joan. Theodora is informed that Joan does not have horses, but she does have the SoZ producing ancient cavalry. Greece appears to have a lot of land, but they lack food and their graph does not look quite as good as the powerful as Sumeria & France. The really boring architects arrive to speak about Glib Pre-build with Lit due in 8 and the palace in 10. Finally the worst of all, the economists, trudge in to brief Theodora on the state of the economy. Theodora wishes for a one armed economist so they can’t say “…on the other hand…”

Theodora selected the map type, barb and weather settings. The AI enemy civs were random.
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_Seed.JPG

Sometime around 710bc

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/710bc2.JPG

My only suggestion is post a fuller timeline, like whats going on in your lands

My only suggestion is post a fuller timeline, like whats going on in your lands

I'll see what I can do, but I am a pathetically slow and error prone typist. Mom was right, I should have taken typing in high school. :lol:

Basically I'm trying to get settlers out quickly while I build roads and mines. Perhaps I began the Glib way too early, but Theodora cannot survive without it, so better safe than sorry. Theodora will maximize coastal cities for commerce and Dromon building. We need cash to pay the sailors. Interior cities will build defenders, artillery and arrow shooters.

I decided to go with CxxCxxC city placement over CxxxCxxxC. In a "normal" AW game you go CxxC so you can shuffle units. In this game, if the AI reaches my shores, Theodora is toast for sure. Therefore I considered CxxxC placement. Ultimately I decided I wanted a larger city count to support a giant navy. Monarchs only get 2 free units per city size 6 and under, versus 4 for despots. So I decided to go for more cities on the home island.

I'll see what I can do, but I am a pathetically slow and error prone typist. Mom was right, I should have taken typing in high school. :lol:

Basically I'm trying to get settlers out quickly while I build roads and mines. Perhaps I began the Glib way too early, but Theodora cannot survive without it, so better safe than sorry. Theodora will maximize coastal cities for commerce and Dromon building. We need cash to pay the sailors. Interior cities will build defenders, artillery and arrow shooters.

I decided to go with CxxCxxC city placement over CxxxCxxxC. In a "normal" AW game you go CxxC so you can shuffle units. In this game, if the AI reaches my shores, Theodora is toast for sure. Therefore I considered CxxxC placement. Ultimately I decided I wanted a larger city count to support a giant navy. Monarchs only get 2 free units per city size 6 and under, versus 4 for despots. So I decided to go for more cities on the home island.


See thats the info that would make this story great! The city placement idea is good, I would agree with it.

Chapter two

The 700’s & 600’s
Boring decades :coffee: for Theodora building workers, settlers, temples, barracks & spears.
Found another city named - you guessed it - named 9. Some local folk singer named Bob Seger wails that the sheeple feel like a number as China starts MOM.


The 500’s
Rome starts Great Lighthouse. Fat chance they will get it.
Lit now due in 1 with the Palace due in 3. Theodora wonders how that happened since a few turns ago it was 6 and 6 for the palace and Lit. Oh well, Theodora must have slept through a Prebuild meeting.
China has a opened a huge tech lead on the rest of the Civilizations and must be dealt with. Theodora certainly hopes that Mao lacks iron and/or horses. Alternatively if the Chinese resources are on the coast they can be pillaged by boats of fire unless they reside under a large stack of military units. China is too close for comfort in Theodora’s mind, especially if they complete the lighthouse. Theodora makes a note to keep a sharp eye on China. Then she has some wine, buys some more shoes, and dreams of a Great Library in 13 more turns full of books with a huge navy to protect it. It was a good decade.

When she wakes, Theodora is pleased to see that Literature remains a monopoly tech for her and believes the Glib is a lock.

Over the next decades the Glib countdown continues while the Byzantine dinky boats sail the seas in groups of two free of attack.
The Byzantines have declared on all of the other civilizations except Egypt. Theodora can see Egypt’s border, but has not yet found a safe passage, and she does not wish to risk her beloved dinky fleet in the seas when they are so far from home.
Theodora decided to prepare for her role as a monarch by building temples in the cities on the rivers so they can grow to size 7 in Monarchy. She notes that she is stuck with only 2 luxuries until Astronomy comes in, and she wants size 7 cities for the unit support. Theodora wishes her people were not scientific as this trait is not of much use given the cash will all be going to support the navy. Religious would have been a better trait than scientific for the cheaper temples and quick anarchy. Industrious or commercial would also be decent. Science is not a help in this game in Theodora's mind.
After some thought, Theodora decides this Forbidden Palace thing is a good idea and starts it. It will be many hundreds of years before a leader is spawned. Probably not until guns are available and a defensive elite on a hill behind city walls favors us.
China begs for peace, and Theodora still has a monopoly on Lit as the century closes.

The 400’s
Mao has asked for peace, and Theodora still has a monopoly on Lit.
Theodora admires her 1180 in gold and notes the Great Library will be ready in 8 turns
Agent F007 assures Theodora that Egypt has no current construction plans for the Glib.
During this decade China wins the MoM race. Theodora is anxious for the Great library because she desperately wants map-making so she can immediately build harbors and dromons. Up to this point she has built warriors for MP, temples in river cities, workers, settlers and spears with one archer to handle barbs. Perhaps she has underbuilt workers.
It appears Sumeria, Greece and France have large nice islands. China is stuck with no luxuries and no iron [EDIT Astute readers will note that the iron comment belongs in the 300's after the Glib, not the 400's before Theodora learned IW. Theodora edited and typed this after the 300's were played and placed this comment a century too soon. She will be more diligent in the future.That’s a lucky break for Theodora.
China is now fully mapped by the dinky boat crew, and the opposition at at 410 BC is pictured at the end of the chapter.

The 300’s
Theodora cannot sleep until the Glib is done in 3 more turns, so the chapter contines. Temples are choped so they finish before the revolution to monarchy. China builds Lighthouse, and Theodora craves more shoes. She is pleased to learn Joan is uglier and fatter than ever, but she longs for Joan’s shoe collection, dyes and ivory. During this decade Theodora enters a great depression :cry: when she realizes that she left the research slider on 10% on research during the Library pre-build. She could have been saving all that money to upgrade her spears. Theodora is hopping mad :mad: and depressed, so she buys more shoes, and only then does she feels better. Mr. Big gets a little hot when he sees the tab for all those shoes. Theodora tells him not to fret, she has checks left in her checkbook, so she can’t be out of money. ;) Besides, the Glib will come in on the IBT, and she has a party to plan.

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HWAS_G_Lib.JPG

In 310 the Great library is opened for business, and Theodora still has a monopoly on Lit. Theodora ponders :hmm: this, but not for long. She is truly amazed to see that Greece and France don’t even know writing yet. She realizes that long ago she would have been erased from the face of the earth if this was a continental map instead of islands. She is indeed lucky :mischief: to be playing an island map.

The Library reveals MM, IW, Mysticism, Math, HBR, Poly, currency, monarchy and construction.
Theodora instantly revolts so her Golden age will come as a monarch and pulls a rather unlucky 7 turns of anarchy. Theodora is only a little disappointed that she has no iron, but her battle plan did not rely on knights anyway. Knights cost too much for her taste, and she hopes the lack of iron enhances her chance at Saltpeter. It is saltpeter that Theodora craves, and shoes of course.

410bc
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_mini_400bc.JPG

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_BYZ_400bc.JPG

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_units_400bc.JPG

Chapter three

The BC 200’s
Theodora spends the 200’s in anarchy but manages to find a safe passageway to the yellow borders of Egypt where she meets a flat chested hussy named Cleopatra and immediately declares war. Theodora has learned philosophy but cares little for knowledge except for the secret of smokepoles. Research stands at zero as all citizens are needed during anarchy to avoid starvation, and frankly the slow tech pace suits Theodora’s plans just fine. The longer the age of the dromon lasts, the better Theodora will like it.

100 BC to 100 AD
Theodora is crowned queen of the realm and immediately begins construction of harbors in her core. Well, it’s more of a half core since the capital has an ocean view. Theodora is not concerned by this as she is confident she can whip the Sid AI arse with half a core on this map, it’s that good. While anxious to get dromon fire on Mao’s homeland as soon as possible, she also hopes the additional movement of her dromons will reveal islands isolated from the AI by sea tiles for her to settle. These remote islands will be guarded from invading AI Stacks of Death by the sea and by dromons, not by spears. They can’t raze what they can’t reach.

By 90 AD Theodora enters the middle ages. She has almost finished settling her home island and has located some iron on a deserted island. Since her plan is to lay down corrupt cities all game long for the unit support they provide, she will place a city on the iron island south of Egypt. Two cities will fit nicely on that island, and in a pinch the Byzantines can place more cities in an ICS fashion. We will try to avoid ICS because it feels a little too much like an exploit, and is not visually attractive to Theodora’s city planners.
It is during the last century BC, right before we enter the first century AD that Greece attacks a paired stack of currahs and loses. Dromons are required asap to ensure control of the coasts which is key to our survival. The Byzantine navy cannot let any AI ships escape from the dromons. In 50 BC Theodora is delighted to see the first dromon rolls off the line. While she would like to delay the GA a little bit, she can’t afford to let the AI find her hidden island. She must sink all boats on sight.

The 100’s and 200’s AD
Not much to report about these centuries as they pass without incident. All coastal cities with a decent shield count now have harbors, and are building dromons. A settler will go claim the island with iron, and guard it with boats. There may be some land in the large dark area, and dromons will scout the darkness for island city locations in the future. The Byzantine priority at this point is to ferry settlers to islands, pillage and to keep the AI boatless.

The 300’s
In 310 the FP completes and in 330 Greece starts the Art of War. The FP city will build a quick temple and then military since it is not on the coast.

Dromons begin their nightmarish fire attacks on the coast of France, but are unsuccessful in their first pillaging attempt. They will pillage without ceasing from this point on. No coastal square must be allowed to remain improved.
Theodora is mildly pleased to see she has 4 cities pulling 10 or more shields. While any delay is well received, Theodora feels appropriately positioned for a GA as soon as we see any SID AI roaming the seas. Invention is learned during this time which is a nice development since Theodora can churn out LBs during the GA, and move that much closer to China’s invasion. China will be the first target since it has no iron. Theodora is confident that 40 muskets on a hill can repel an archer assault. She does not think that even 40 muskets on a hill can repel the huge MI and Acav stacks that Joan probably has by now. Although Theodora longs for Joan's luxuries, she is not suicidal. Joan’s time will come.

All non-coastal cities are building build LBs, spears or artillery while cities with a harbor build dromons. The dinky fleet is slowly sailing home for an upgrade while exploring along the way. Theodora wonders if the AI will research education before guns since there has been no land based warfare. The tech pace is very slow since apparently few of the AI know each other. Theodora will try to keep it that way.

Late in the century the first Dromons score hits against Egyptian and French improvements. The boats that are ferrying warriors and settlers to lock up the tiles at the iron island are moving onto pillage after they drop their loads.
Theodora was hallucinating – she has learned engineering, not invention. :lol:
At the close of the 300’s, a dromon is attacked and wins on defense and the GA begins in 390 AD. Theodora love the GA. Tons of cash for shoes, clothes, and magazines. She loves the new magazine Sheeple and reads it everyweek. Sometimes she is so excited, she buys a copy of Sheeple at the mall even though she has a subscription! This makes Mr. Big come unglued, but hey...she's the queen. Enough of that...Theodora will use the GA to build markets and aqueducts in productive cities. Coastal cities will get a harbor if they lack one and then she will pump out lots of spears, artillery, a few archers & dromons. France and Egypt have felt the fire of the dromons and, France will soon lose their dyes and ivory. Making Joan angry and buring her roads makes Theodora very happy.
China owns the Great Lighthouse, but we have yet to see a Chinese galley. What is Mao thinking?!

The Status
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_units_410ad.JPG

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_stats_410ad.JPG

Pillaging Dromons
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_410ad_pillage.JPG

The Wonder Owners
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_wonder1.JPG

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_wonder2.JPG

Very nice. Amusing too, better than a dry read of boring stats and map moves. But a real question.
Ahem....

WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT EXCEL LOOKING THING THAT RUNS THE ENTIRE STATUS OF YOUR GAME PLAYING AT A GIVEN PERIOD OF TIME!!!!!!!?????????

Pardon me and my excitement, but I was...'intrigued'...by the sight of it and just had to comment on how...nice...it is and how much I'd like to have a copy as well. If you let me know, I'll donate a $25 gift card to the GAP, a free lunch at TGIF's, and a free coupon for 'But One pair, Get One Pair Free' at Thom McAnn's Shoes to the great and well worth while cause Theodora is working on.

Keep up the writing.

V

Very nice. Amusing too, better than a dry read of boring stats and map moves. But a real question.
Ahem....
Thanks! :)


WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT EXCEL LOOKING THING THAT RUNS THE ENTIRE STATUS OF YOUR GAME PLAYING AT A GIVEN PERIOD OF TIME!!!!!!!?????????
V

It's called CRpSuite : Playing aids and game analysis utils (aka Mapstat) and it is way too cool. The thread is here (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=52902) and it's free. :D

Lots of neat stuff over in the creation & Customization forums.

What can I say.....excellent! Very good story; it's a relief to see an actual story instead of just a turnlog.

Chapter One (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2662026&postcount=2) has been totally redone in case anyone cares.

Been lurking for two days, like the story, good to see a non-turn log! Pretty funny, keep it up!

Chapter 4

The wonder hungry Sumerians complete the Knights Templar in 420AD and demand Theodora exchange engineering for peace. Theodora laughs at the notion, but indicates she will consider peace if the Sumerians will pay her tribute of 100 matching purse and shoe ensembles. They decline, so Theodora sinks a Sumerian galley as a response. She will sink several during the course of this chapter and suffer no lost dromons.

Theodora notes the Sumerians have 3 luxuries with ample food and water - a truly great piece of land. The Byzantine generals plead with Theodora to build military while the education bureaucracy pleads for libraries. Theodora ponders this, and then asks them to sing show tunes while they dance. BYYYYYYYYZANTINE where the wind comes sweeping down the plain… Theodora loves show tunes almost as much as shoes. The police, admirals, priests and economists are pleased when Theodora tells them that she will build courthouses, temples, markets, harbors and dromons. The generals will have to make do with land units from the four cities not on the coast. One of the four will be a settler pump, so the generals must defeat the AI with land units basically from 3 cities. They are confused as to how they will do this, but Theodora is not.

Later in the century Theodora enters her second great depression when she realizes that she erred by not starting a Prebuild for Leo’s immediately after the completion of the Great Library. :cry: Nothing can ease her pain. Well, maybe Caesar as a boy toy, or more shoe and purse sets, and show tunes, lots and lots of show tunes. Ultimately it is the thought of fat ugly Joan scrubbing the palace floor with a toothbrush that lifts Theodora’s spirits. The economists and CPAs inform Theodora she has major league bucks in the bank, and during the GA is cranking out 144gpt. Still, she needs more cities for the unit support. Her navy must get bigger to protect her shores.

Sometime around 500 – Theodora can’t remember exactly when – the Greeks start Leos. She is happy to hear that dromons have sunk two French galleys and are destroying the roads to the French Dyes. Theodora revels :dance: in Joan’s pain. Theodora hates Joan. What makes Joan tick? France has ivory and is making ancient cavalry instead of jewelry. What a waste! Theodora laughs as she thinks of how fat and ugly Joan looks in that stupid armor, no fashion sense at all. Joan is so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please". :lol:

In 540 the useless Monotheism technology comes in, and in 550 Theodora’s admirals report that the coastal tiles of Egypt and France have been heavily damaged. Egypt and France send out token workers, but cannot fix tiles as quickly as the dromons can break them. Cleopatra is a skank, but at least she has some sense of fashion. She is blond though, at least in this world. Cleo is so dumb she once spent all day tying to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

In the closing years of the century, the dyes of France are pillaged, but unfortunately Joan has one inland Dye the deadly dromons cannot reach. The Aztecs beg for peace, but Theodora notes that their spears are still too long, and they are ugly. The Aztecs are so ugly when they are born the Doctor slaps the mother.

Theodora will hire a scientist to research gunpowder since she has finally learned invention. Theodora is pleased that the people wish to add two stories to the palace for shoe storage. :D

In 560 Joan begs for peace. Theodora hates Joan. Theodora does get a chuckle when she sees that Joan is still wearing fashion from the ancient age! Joan refuses to “drop trou” and hand over her shoes, so the war continues.

Next Alex begs for peace. "Hey alex, is that a banana in your pocket or are you happy to see me?" Alex is a girlie man. Caesar :love: is a real man because he is not afraid to wear a dress, and he is not afraid to cry. Theodora thinks it takes a big man to wear a dress and cry, it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

A bacchanal is celebrated in 590 AD when the GA ends.

The morning after the bacchanal the generals and researchers are in no mood to celebrate as they enter the grand hall. The researchers speak first. “Oh Worthy one, we are the scientific Byzantines, yet we have not built a single library. While the sheeple party on like Garth, and while you build boat after boat, we are failing to build infrastructure. We need to build libraries.” The generals speak next. “You Highness” they whine, “we have a pitiful military compared to the rest of the world. We are weak compared to the Aztecs who are a two-city empire, and we are only average versus the marshy Romans. Admittedly, Caesar looks good in a dress, and makes a good salad, but we will never land a credible invasion force, much less be able to take any cities from the huge SID AI Stacks of death!” Theodora’s generals and researchers are such “in the box” kind of guys. Theodora is not concerned about anything except saltpeter! The tech pace is crawling along with only Greece and Sumeria in the middle ages. Soon the boats of fire will reach the Sumerian and Greek continents to pillage their lands and crash their economy. Besides, Theodora has secretly been working on a secret invasion plan for China, and she has a special secret strategy using units in ways they were not designed for. It will be all the new rage! The generals know none of this. It is a plan for the ages and the AI will be powerless to resist Theodora’s liberal display of _ITS. That’s WITS people! WITS!

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_BYZ2_590ad.JPG

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_status_590ad.JPG

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_units_590ad.JPG

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_France_590ad.JPG

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_Egypt_590ad.JPG

Ass-kickage! Nice job...you've got me wanting to play as Theo now! Ah, I don't suppose you could supply me with the world seed?

Ass-kickage! Nice job...you've got me wanting to play as Theo now! Ah, I don't suppose you could supply me with the world seed?

I'll edit and place it in chapter 1 along with the 4000bc save. You can MM better and avoid my other mistakes! :D

how did you get the demograpics before the game is over?

Press the F11 key. The function keys do a lot of that stuff, like let you see your palace, wonders of the world, etc.

I'll edit and place it in chapter 1 along with the 4000bc save. You can MM better and avoid my other mistakes! :D

I wish....I suck at MMing. But thanks for the seed.

Chapter Five

600AD
Theodora is in a rage. :mad: She has learned that some idiot named Pliny thinks more highly of Joan than of Theodora. Has this guy ever seen Joan? Look at what Joan is wearing for goodness sakes! She is probably bald under that thing! Joan is a fashion disaster. Joan is afraid to roam the seas, and she has no ivory. The tiles of France have been scorched by the fire breathing dromons. Theodora is certain Joan is fat, lazy, and stupid. That is no way to go through life. Why can’t Pliny see this? Joan refuses to disband military so she can build workers to repair her roads, and therefore her tiles remain unimproved. Therefore Joan can’t afford a decent outfit to wear because she is spending all her cash on unit support. What a lack of priorities. If Theodora ever gets her hands on this Pliny fellow she is going to make him dress like a little school girl, give him a Michael Jackson nose job, and make him wander the streets singing “Man in the Mirror” for the rest of his days.
And then there is Cleo, what a stupid little skank. Cleo is so dumb she has TGIF written on her shoes to remember her toes go in first.

Theodora’s mood improves as she counts the cities that have markets. Theodora loves Always War almost as much as going to the market for new shoes.

Fast Forward to...850AD

:sleep: Oh Caesar :love: seize me! Take me away to that special little place where we can…

Serf: Your Highness! Your Highness! Wake up!

Theodora: Ugh what time is it?

Serf: You fell asleep in a meeting again, we were just about to go over the progress of the last 250 years.

Theodora: Very well, carry on.

Alan Greenspanora: (the new central market (no banks yet) leader and economist): We are delighted to report that as of 850AD our civilization had a righteous 7,000 in gold and is earning 60 gpt running 10% on the slider for happiness with a lone scientist for research. We have 186 units, and free unit support for 70 units. Your great wisdom in consistently building new cities from the settler pump to provide unit support, and create wealth has proved very shrewd.

Theodora: I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought when you said pump, but please go on.

Greenspanora: Theodora, the people love you! We have found that the sheeple in the small outlying cities are only happy if they are paying taxes. They would rather be taxed than grow their cities.

Theodora: I’m not surprised, I am beautiful, fashionable, and I have great wits.

Greenspanora: Your wits are indeed the stuff of legend. And your plans to build courts has helped us to gain two 15spt cities and three 10spt cities. We are working overtime to improve the numbers of the outlying cities.

Theodora: I appreciate the way you suck up during these reports. My only comment is that next time you appear before me dress more appropriately.

Greenspanora: What would please Theodora?

Theodora: I’d like you to wear a little girl scout uniform for Theodora and bring me some cookies.

Greenspanora: As you wish.

Theodora: Where are my naval officers?

Seaman Sample: At your service Theodora

Theodora: Who are you, and where is the Admiral? By the way, I love a man in uniform, a nurse uniform that is. Be sure you wear one next time.

Seaman Sample: Ugh, yes your highness. The Admiral was busy pillaging Sumeria, so he sent me instead.

Theodora: Proceed.

Seaman Sample: We are please to report that our Dromons are doing extensive damage, even to the far corners of the world. Seaman First Class Barry Cade was awarded the medal of distinction for quick thinking on the open seas. Tail Gunner Brighton Early received the sharpshooter medal for hitting 10 pillaging shots in a row, and Rear Admiral Duane Pipe was awarded the medal of the torch when his fleet pillaged every coastal tile of France except for two that were covered with military units.

Theodora: Seaman First Class! Tail Gunner! Rear Admiral! What is it with you navy people? I send out a crew of 60 and you come back as 30 couples. Go on.

Seaman Sample: We have developed plans to speed up settling the far out cities, it is called a ship chain and will move settlers quickly remote islands. The problem is that the plan has leaked to the press. The press has convinced the sheeple that a ship chain exploits the stupidity of Joan and the others. The sheeple are asking that you show mercy and not exploit Joan’s weakness.

Theodora: Joan and mercy do not belong in the same sentence. We will chain her ugly butt as fast as we can.

Seaman Sample: Our 46 dromons totally dominate the seas. I am pleased to report that Joan’s lands lack roads and Paris has been isolated. Removing all the coastal roads denies Joan dyes for clothes and ivory for ancient cavalry. As you like to say "If Theodora can’t have it, Joan can’t have it”. We can confirm that Joan is so afraid of the mighty Theodora’s fleet that she will not send even a single galley out to challenge the mighty dromons. Only the Sumerians and Greeks seem willing to put up a fight on the sea. So far we have not lost a single dromon. France is totally pillaged, Egypt is torched, China is being softened up for invasion and we are working on Greece and Sumeria. All of the major shipping lanes are blanketed. The Romans and Aztecs are not worth pillaging.

Theodora: That is excellent. I have a small degree of respect for the Sumerians, and the thought of Gilgamesh’s huge power graph makes my mind race. Nevertheless, I will eventually erase the Sumerians and turn Gil into a dancer at the colosseum. Where is General Mayhem?

General Mayhem: Reporting for Duty. We have 53 warriors and they are all working as MP. The Chinese assault team consists of two veteran longbows, 24 trebuchets and 37 spears we plan to upgrade to muskets. Some of the spears are regulars, so we may not upgrade those. We also have 21 workers doing odds and ends.

Theodora: Not very exciting. Let’s see what the researchers have to say. Where is P. Brain?

P. Brain: Exciting news Theodora! Greece researched gunpowder in 740AD, and we know that Sumeria began working on guns after they learned astronomy and began Copernicus in 760AD. The tech pace then slowed to a crawl and we got some useless tech called Theology, and we also learned Chivalry.

General Mayhem: Can we please build some horses for a future knight upgrade, please, please, please.

Theodora: Horses? We don’t need no stinkin’ horses. We have wits. Tell me something exciting P. Brain.

P. Brain: We also learned something called gunpowder. We have located two sources of saltpeter – whatever that is - that were not there in 840, but are there now.

Theodora: We learned Gunpowder! :dance: Finally someone with good news! I just love the feel of a long smoke pole in my hands. General Mayhem, upgrade all our veteran spears to muskets and recall some Dromons. It’s time to pay a visit to that little piggy Mao. Just wait until Mao's spears and archers get a load of my wits!

And so, as 850AD comes to a close, Theodora gears up for battle by getting a facial, new shoes, a salad, and a special little outfit for Greenspanora to wear to the next meeting. She also upgrades spears to muskets and plans the assault of China. The time for war has finally arrived.

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_850AD_stats.JPG

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_850AD_seas2.JPG

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_850AD_France.JPG

I was confused for a while as Theodora was talking about Smokepoles...

Mail call

Dear Theodora,
Why are you attacking Mao first if you hate Joan so much? Besides Joan has luxuries and Mao does not.
General George S. Patton.

Dear Pat,
Joan is fat lazy and stupid. However, her Stacks of Death are comprised of MI and she has Pikes for Defense. The only way to win this game is to land safely on an island. To do this you go in under the cover of an army. Invading China will allow us to survive and pop multiple leaders against their inferior units. Joan could take out 40 muskets with her stacks of MI and ancient cavalry. China is the safest place to land and create the leaders we need.

Dear Theodora,
How do you plan to win this?
General Tso.

Dear General Tso, I love your chicken. Think about it, thirty muskets on a hill in a city with walls will be attacked by hundreds of Chinese archers and horsemen. I expect all of the muskets to promote to elite, and then we could easily get one leader per turn on defense. These leaders will make armies and rush the heroic epic. The armies will be loaded with 2 units each (2 muskets or 2 LB) and then dropped off via caravel (when we learn astronomy) onto each island beginning with Sumeria and Greece because they are the most advanced.

Dear Theodora,
Won’t it take a long time to research caravels? What if Sumeria gets to ironclads and cavalry before you get to astronomy.
Jane Fonda

Dear Jane,
I suspected you were a fan of always war. That’s what the 7 grand in cash is for. Musket upgrade and a speed research of astronomy.

Dear Theodora,
Love the shoes.
What good is it to have an army on each island?
Imelda Marcos

Dear Imelda,
Thanks. The AI is afraid of armies. The army can pillage all the tiles the dromns cannot reach. When we are ready to invade, we land trebs and longbows under a protective musket army and move untouched throughout the island razing cities as we go. We pillage the food and then park dromons off shore and starve the cities down. Less food means less population which means the AI must disband units they cannot pay for.

Dear Theodora,
How will you raze a city that has 100+ defensive units in it?
General Mayhem

Dear General Mayhem, Don’t you work for me? It is very simple, watch and learn.

Interesting read. Do I get to lead the troops on to victory over the Chinese? :p

Oh this is a fun read. Can I be your General of Artillery once you have that type of thing?

Cleo is so dumb she has TGIF written on her shoes to remember her toes go in first.

ROFL!! Excellent update. Very funny.

Interesting read. Do I get to lead the troops on to victory over the Chinese? :p

Theodora saw your name and could not resist stealing it for her own purposes. It is truly a great name. She is more of a taker than a giver in case you haven't noticed. :lol: Still, she will find a suitable way to honor you for your cleverness during the game.

ROFL!! Excellent update. Very funny
Oh this is a fun read.
Flattery will get you everywhere with Theodora. :) She is shamelessly stealing jokes as fast as she can. She hopes you like the China invasion chapter which is up next.

Invade not China. China is my civ. :D

Chapter 6

930AD
Theodora: Where is General Mayhem?

Unknown Army Major: He is on the scene in China, and I am his assistant.

Theodora: Is that a rock in your pants or are you happy to see me?

Unknown military officer: Your wits are even greater than I imagined.

Theodora: Yes they are. Do you have a name Major?

Unknown military officer: Major Woody here to serve you Theodora.

Theodora: :rolleyes: Go ahead major.

Major Woody: Your plans for Mao are excellent. As you know the Chinese have a huge unit advantage, so we’ll have to use our heads … err your wits to beat them.

Theodora: I lost my train of thought when you said huge unit. Please start over.

Major Woody: Ugh, we are sure the Chinese have lots of archers, spears and horses, so we’ll have to use our heads … err your wits to beat them.

Theodora: Well, as you have already said, I certainly have a fully developed set of wits.

Major Woody: Yes. Ahem… at your direction we softened up the little piggy Mao with artillery fire to make sure the roads leading to the landing site were pillaged as much as possible. This will slow Mao’s archers a bit, and allow us to settle a city, fortify and rush hills on the turn after we land. We hope to be ready before the large stacks of death arrive.

Theodora: Math is hard. What are our chances?

Major Woody: I’ll let the private answer that. He is excellent at math.

Unknown Private: Math is indeed hard Theodora, but I have it on good authority that our veteran muskets on a hill are a 93% favorite versus a veteran archer on the turn they land. After we build a city with walls on a hill, the muskets are a 97% favorite. Placing a city on the hill with saltpeter also keeps it out of AI hands. After the troop drop off, Seaman Sample will lead 10 dromons to Sumeria to keep them pinned down while the rest ferry over LB and Trebs. Sumeria started Magellan’s Voyage, so we want to pillage them and use dromons to keep them bottled up.

Theodora: What is your name private?

Unknown Private: Private Parts, Your Majesty.

Theodora: :rolleyes: It just never stops, does it? Do you have a battle map as I requested?

Major Woody: It is right here Theodora. As you can see the dromons pillaged all coastal roads. We have no idea how many Chinese will attack since Mao has kept a tight lid on the size of his forces.

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_land_in_China_930ad.JPG

Theodora: Please keep a running tally on the battles.

Major Woody: As you wish.

940AD
Theodora: What happened?

Private Parts: We killed 8 horses and 8 retreated, the little cowards. We lost a one musket that was a really lousy shot, and two muskets promoted to elite. We settled Hamburger Hill and rushed walls in 940 BC.

Theodora: Nice. Do you know how dumb Mao is Private?

Private Parts: No, how dumb?

Theodora: At the market once he stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".

Private Parts: What is frozen orange juice?

Theodora: Get out of here.

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_land_in_China_940ad2.JPG

950AD
Private Parts, Major Woody, Theodora: :sleep:

Serf: Wake Up People, it’s 950!

Theodora: Well, what happened?

Major Woody: We got our first leader from an elite musket on defense. Seventeen of the 23 Muskets that remain in the city are now elite.

Theodora: Great, what was the body count?

Private Parts: Ugh, it got tedious and I fell asleep.

Major Woody: My mind drifted after we had killed 20 archers 8 horses. Maybe my mind drifted before then. Finally I just went and got something to eat.

Theodora: You two will answer to General Mayhem for that! Anyway Mao’s big wave has probably passed. He’ll throw what he has left against 23 muskets on a hill behind walls, but I like our chances. And reinforcements arrive this turn. Build an army with that leader and only place 2 muskets inside. We want the army transportable when caravels arrive.

Fast forward to 1060AD
Theodora: Where do we stand now?

General Mayhem: We got education from the Glib on the 960AD IBT, so as you directed, we built a few libraries and began burning gold @ 90% research to Astronomy so we can move armies loaded with 2 muskets into Sumer, France and Greece.

Theodora: Where is Major Woody?

General Mayhem: Standing down.

Theodora: :rolleyes: Go on.

We also got more leaders and built armies and rushed the HE. The Chinese stacks dwindled to spears and warriors. Mao refused to build a worker to reconnect his horses. Mao is so dumb if he spoke his mind he’d be speechless. In the late 900’s we started shipping LB and trebs to China.

Finally, in 1060, we created a big pile of rocks by razing Beijing.

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_raze_Beijingxx.JPG

Theodora: Did you capture the little piggy?

General Mayhem: No, he got away, but we will hunt him down.

Theodora: I am so pleased. It’s only 1060 and already we have three armies, the heroic Epic, and we are razing cities. Did you place an army on a boat headed toward our island harbor near Sumeria? I want to upgrade that dromon to caravel so we can drop off a 2-musket army on a mountain in Sumeria. It should be safe until cavalry, but maybe we will load a third musket just to be safe. The second musket army can pillage China a little bit before it heads to Greece. Greece does not have Chemistry, so we can leave that army with 2 muskets and perhaps send it to Egypt after it torches the interior of Greece. If you get another leader you can make a 2-longbow army. Only 2 LB so army can take a caravel to France after we finish China. Be sure you head south to raze Shanghai before you turn north for the rest of China. The last city you want to take is Chengdu since it holds the Great Lighthouse. We can really use that since it will take us a long time to get to Magnetism, if we ever get it. Once you get Astronomy, turn research back to a single scientist. Did you get all that?

General Mayhem: Ugh…yeah sure…no problem…I got it…I think.

Theodora: One more thing.

General Mayhem: Yes

Theodora: Have you ever heard of a book called “Everything you wanted to know about armies for the mathematically challenged?” It’s an ancient scroll I found in the great Library by some overeducated layabout that goes by the name of T_McC.

General Mayhem: Sure, everyone has heard of T_McC, he’s the grumpy old dude that was always getting stuck with anarchy turns way back when. Why?

Theodora: Math is hard. I want to know if a veteran cavalry will attack an unfortified musket army that has two elite muskets on flat land. See if P Brain can figure it out. I'm fairly certain the army is safe, but I'd like to be certain.

General Mayhem: P Brain? He’s hopeless. He is so dumb that when he heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, he moved.

Theodora: Well, work on it. And send Major Woody to see me when he gets up.

1060 AD
Nine Longbows and 35 Trebs Raze Beijing while huge stacks of spears watch from the grasslands.

The warriors below are all MP. Too bad there is no way besides a manual count to keep track of how many archers & horses the muskets killed. The stacks were big and there were a lot of units in Beijing plus those from the northern cities that came south to attack.

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_stats1060.JPG

w00t! Catch the piggy!

Nice. Kill Mao!!

Chapter 7
It is 1130AD and Theodora is losing patience. She has 4 armies in the field and the little piggy Mao no longer has a capital. Attack force Alpha is camped next to Shanghai throwing rocks at the city every turn but there is a huge stack of spears garrisoned in the city. Theodora calls a meeting of her military advisors.

Theodora: It’s been decades since we razed Beijing. The large stack of units in Shanghai is a problem. I want Joan’s dyes and furs and I want them yesterday. Show me the map.

Major Woody: As you can see from the map, we have positioned artillery as well as LBs under army cover NW of Shanghai. We are killing a few spears per turn, but this siege will take some time. You must have patience.
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1130_Shanhai.JPG

Theodora: Patience is not a luxury I have. Neither are dye or furs for that matter. I’ll take the dyes and furs, you can have the patience. Send for my Royal barge and grab my :king: royal battle gear.

Major Woody: Theodora, what are your plans?

Theodora: Watch & learn.

A short time later at battle headquarters in Shanghai:

Mao: What is for dinner?

General Tso: General Tso’s chicken.

Mao: What a surprise. What's all that noise.

General Tso: Apparently Theodora has made an announcement.

Mao: She has surrendered?

General Tso: Here it is, let me read it. Ugh, she has not exactly surrendered. Apparently her royal barge dropped her off to the east in the forest. The note says any man that can beat her can have her, and the announcement says her wits are on full display for all to see. :wow: :love:

Mao: Ridiculous, an obvious bait and switch ploy. Who would be dumb enough to all for that?

General Tso: Beats the heck out of me. Oh, would you mind pulling the chicken off the wok when it’s done? I’ve got to go.

Mao: Where do you have to go? We are under siege!

General Tso: Err, ugh to inspect the eastern wall.

Mao: Now that you mention it, I've got a little errand to run also.

Meanwhile on the eastern shore in the forest:

Theodora: I knew they would fall for it. Look at those little Chinese spears haul butt over the ice toward the forest. :lol: Men are pigs, except when they’re not.
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1130_Shanhai_A.JPG

And so Theodora’s bold move draws the garrison from Shanghai and this happens in 1140AD:
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1130_Shanhai_raze.JPG

Theodora: See ya boys, I’ve got a ship to catch.

Chinese spear #1: But what about the battle where the winner can have you?

Theodora: Called off – looks like rain. :mischief: I’ll meet you in the grasslands up north, okay? Luv Ya.

Chinese Spear #2: Great! We’ll just go back to Shanghai and pick up our…hey where’s Shanghai? :confused: Uh oh, Mao is going to be hopping mad about this one.

Chinese Spear #1: I doubt it, that’s him over there oinking at Theodora’s barge. Man! Does she have a great set of wits or what?

Mao: Oink Oink! Come back Theodora.

Theodora: Hey Mao, don’t bring a spear to a gunfight. :lol:

Chapter 8
1240AD

Theodora might have been happier than this before, but she doubts it. While she has not yet captured the little piggy Mao, she did manage to catch General Tso who is now running the royal kitchen. General Tso realized he was a lot better at cooking than fighting, and he is certain his chicken recipe will be as good in 1000 years as it is today. The little piggy is down to 4 cities and his stacks are only a nuisance now that strike force alpha is in full steamroller mode.

Theodora has begun work on plans to transport the troops and trebuchets over to France. New builds will go there immediately once a musket army is generated for France. Theodora hates Joan. Joan is poor. Joan is so poor she can’t afford to pay attention. And dumb. Joan is so dumb when her brain cells die they die alone. And Ugly. Joan is so ugly she uses a line of makeup called "Why Bother”. Theodora is none of these things. Theodora is rich, beautiful and smart. Theodora can hardly contain her delight at the thought of French furs ivory and dyes to go with her shoes. And Theodora was delighted to hear that she had become the number one pinup girl for the Chinese spears. Cleo used to be the favorite pinup, but she was so easy she was like a doorknob, everyone got a turn. Now the Chinese worship Theodora even as she razes all their cities, except the Great Lighthouse city of course.

Theodora has put a fork Sumeria and Greece and they are basically done. Alex cried like a little girlie man when the musket army landed on his shores. Now that an explorer has joined the army, the pillaging fun will be doubled. Then there are the Sumerians. Such great lands and a super power graph, but no brains. The Sumerians could have run the table in this game their lands are so good. Even now they could take out the musket army destroying their shores with ease given the huge stacks of knights and MI they possess. Theodora has decided to place a third and fourth musket in the Sumerian army just in case they manage to research Military Tradition. But the Sumerians seem happy just watching the army stroll by and chew up tiles. With every pillaged tile their economy shrinks a bit and the stacks grow a little smaller. It will be easy to pull the Sumerian stacks to and fro so the army can pillage all the tiles. Theodora finds it amazing that she never saw a galley from the Chinese who own the Great Lighthouse. Neither have the Sumerians who own Magellan’s Voyage sent out even a single ship in hundreds of years.

Theodora thought about taking out Sumeria after China. She probably should, but she hates Joan too much. Will her overconfidence or her hatred for Joan or her love lust for Caesar be her undoing?

China The Chinese Spears fear and worship Theodora. They refuse to enter the Chinese capital to protect Mao. :lol:
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1240_China.JPG

Sumeria Think we should kill that Byzantine army over there? Nope. Our orders are to protect this grassland. We don't get paid to win games.
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1240_Sumer.JPG

Greece :cry: Look what you did to my tiles.
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1240_Greece.JPG

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1240_UNITS.JPG

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1240_mini.JPG

Nooo! The piggy got away!

GG, keep going! This is funny...:lol:

the hand is getting a good workout i see :)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v645/grahamiam/handgrip.gif

the hand is getting a good workout i see :)

Hi grams! :wavey:

More than you know. Theodora is going to catch a bad case of carpel tunnel syndrome from firing all those dromons and trebs by the end of this. :lol:

Handy, have fun and good luck with this one. Have you seen Mark's OCC AWS game as Theo?

http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=112402

Islands and AWS isn't quite so cool. I'd like to think my game had a bit to do with teaching that little lesson, though. :)

Have fun with it!
Arathorn

Handy, have fun and good luck with this one. Have you seen Mark's OCC AWS game as Theo?

http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=112402

Islands and AWS isn't quite so cool. I'd like to think my game had a bit to do with teaching that little lesson, though. :)

Have fun with it!
Arathorn
I'm having lots of fun. :D

Yes - Your game and Mark's game prompted this. I wanted to win via conquest as opposed to 20K and didn't think OCC would work so well for that. For me anyway. :lol: But the dromons looked like a game breaker and they definitly are on an island map. :D

Chapter Nine

Theodora is not surprised.

First this happened:
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1285_GLH.JPG

And then this:
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1335_China_gone.JPG

The little piggy was captured and assigned to a chain gang to build roads for the rest of his life. But before Mao set off Theodora requested that he stop by for a little exit interview, which went something like this.

Theodora: Mao, you may oink once for yes and two for no.

Mao: Oink

Theodora: Are all men pigs?

Mao: :( Oink.

Theodora: Wrong. Caesar :love: is not a pig, not always anyway. Caesar has style and grace where you have none. He’s not afraid to wear a dress and sandals decorated with gold. I like that. I like it a lot. Are you holding out on me Mao? There was no gold anywhere in your palace.

Mao: Oink Oink

Theodora: I’m not surprised. You wasted your gold on all those spears to guard your unimproved grassland while I steamrolled your cities with 40 trebs and 20 longbows. Mao, Oink once for each 100 military units you had.

Mao: Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink

Theodora: Five hundred units and you got beat by a girl. Pathetic. I bet 5 is also the size of your…never mind. And I’m not sure you actually had that many units, but whatever. Do you still want to have dinner with Theodora?

Mao::D excitedly OINK

Theodora: Well, rebuild the road network my dromons pillaged and we’ll see about it. And no snacks for you either Mao. You are a fat little piggy and need to lose some waist.
Now, where is Major Woody?

Major Woody: At your service.

Theodora: Do you have the time?

Major Woody: :love: I always have time for you Theodora.

Theodora: :rolleyes: I mean what year is it you knucklehead.

Major Woody: :blush: Oh, it is 1300AD.

Theodora: Great, tell me what you are doing?

Major Woody: As you commanded, pillaging armies were placed in Sumeria and Greece. The army in Greece was then transferred to Egypt to pillage Cleo once Alex’s tiles were wiped clean.

Theodora: Cleo is a skank. Do you know why she wears hoop earrings?

Major Woody: No.

Theodora: So she has a place to hook her high heels. :lol:
Anyway, what were you saying?

Major Woody: About the armies. Sumeria is still being pillaged, and another army is alternately pillaging Alex and Cleo. During the campaign for China we were able to generate 3 LB armies that each have 2 LB in them. That makes them transportable by caravel.

Theodora: Get all of the military units that are currently in China over to France ASAP. The dromons can easily protect out cities in China. I want Joan’s furs and ivory, and I want them yesterday! Make it happen!

Major Woody: Consider it done.

Theodora: Now, where is General Mayhem?

General Mayhem: Here I am.

Theodora: Have you been studying the writings of the famous war strategists and philosophers that I gave to you?

General Mayhem: Do you mean Salt N Pepa? (http://www.cdconnection.com/bin/nph-search?target=salt-n-pepa&source=adwords)

Theodora: Yes. Have you mastered their lessons?

General Mayhem: Yes when I get to France I am going to “Push it, Push it real good”. :dance:

Theodora: Excellent! Don’t slow down. Raze everything!

General Mayhem: The Oracle.

Theodora: Burn it.

General Mayhem: Statue of Zeus?

Theodora: Definitely. I want ivory jewelry and knick-knacks for my palace more than ancient cavalry.

General Mayhem: The Great Wall?

Theodora: Knock it down. We can use the bricks to expand my shoe closets.

General mayhem: I am a bit concerned about reports I hear from our French spies.

Theodora: Go on.

General Mayhem: Apparently Joan has been studying the writings of great war philosophers and strategists also.

Theodora: Sun Tzu?

General Mayhem: No. I’m not exactly sure WHO she is studying, but the dromons report hearing “Won’t Get Fooled Again” blaring from the coastal cities.

Theodora: Whatever. Joan will fall for the ol’ bait & switch. It’s like they are programmed or something. Besides, Joan is so dumb she got fired from an M&M factory as a kid for throwing out the W’s. She’s a goner.
I’m not worried, go forth and conquer.

I've never heard so many yo mama/blonde jokes in a slingle story. For this, you get my congratulations.

The Monument

In 1335AD this happened:
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1335_China_gone1.JPG

Then this:As a result, Theodora has a huge pile of ivory and gold created from the meltdown of the SoZ.
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1335_Zues_gone.JPG

Theodora has been thinking. :hmm: She is a woman of beauty, style and grace. Her city centers however lack a certain beauty, style and grace. Theodora has the most wonderful set of wits in the world, and her city parks should be wonderful also. She loves to visit the city parks after a shopping spree for shoes at the market. In the park she meditates on the things that make life meaningful. She reflects deeply on things such as such as color, fabric and ensemble accessorization in these reflective moments. In one of these moments Theodora has had a brainstorm. She decides to accessorize her parks! She wants to create monuments honoring those whose writings in the Great Library have educated Theodora, as well as those whose inventions and writings have served or amused Theodora in some way. The royal council of artisans has been commissioned to appear before Throdora.

Theodora: What have you come up with for that huge pile of gold and ivory we wound up with after we torched the SoZ?

Artisans: What if we erect a monument in the capital’s city park to honor those who have educated, served, pleased or amused you in some fashion?

Theodora: Start over, I lost my train of thought when you said erect.

Artisans: What if we build a monument in the capital city center to honor each of those who have educated, served, or amused you in some fashion?

Theodora: Sounds good. Instead of the Great Wall, we will call it the Wall of the Greats. By order of the queen a fashionable monument will be immediately built in the Byzantine central park from the remains of the Statue of Zeus. This Wall of the Greats will honor those listed below because they have been found worthy:

betazed - Once upon a time Theodora knew little of the way of Always War. Then a war master known as betazed revealed to her many secrets.

Moonsinger - War cannot be won without artillery. The most influential (for Theodora anyway) war academy article ever written was the artillery article by moonsinger.

A Space Oddity - Theodora’s first SG experience was in Space 01. It was, of course, an always war game and gave birth to the grumpy old man series in GR01. The leader of Space 01 was A Space Oddity whose company pleased Theodora very much.

Greebley - It was during Space 01 that Theodora became acquainted with Greebley, an SG player of superior skill, tactics and intellect.

T_McC – during GR01 Theodora met T_McC. T_McC remains one of Theodora’s favorite AW players. And T_McC01 (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=73278) remains one of Theodora’s favorite all time AW games because of the huge hole that the team dug out of.

Barbslinger - How can you not like an AW player with Gun Toting Beer Drinker under his avatar.

Yom - A charter member of the Grumpy Old Men of Always War, Yom is out there somewhere, buried under an avalanche of AP course homework.

Dianthus - Theodora could not survive without CRpsuite, and Dianthus definitely deserves a round of applause and a statue in his honor.

:worship: Padma ; Turner 727 and Chieftess. :worship:
The Three. Theodora cannot exist without them. :D

SirPleb - Would Theodora be laughing her way through AWS without the tactic filled stories of SirPleb? She thinks not.

Mark1031 – AWS OCC WIN (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=112402). Enough said.

LKendter - Soon to pass the century mark in SG’s, LKendter has earned a place for sure. The writings of his SGs fill an entire wing of the Great library.

Tomoyo gets a city name because Theodora thinks Tomoyo has the most excellent ever-changing avatars, and Tomoyo knows the game. Also, Theodora is shamelessly sucking up in the hopes she can gain a spot on Tomoyo’s legendary games list.

Doc Tsiolkovski He holds a doctorate in the workings of C3C, and his writings amuse and educate Theodora.

Sir Bugsy – A player of good cheer and great knowledge. Always a pure pleasure to play with. Besides, and anyone who has an AWD Pangaea win under his belt is a player.

Bede – A gentleman and a scholar and a also pleasure to play with. Any team that has Bede on it is an improved team.

TedJackson – One of Theodora’s all time favorite players. Theodora finds his writings both amusing and informative.

THeRat – anyone who gets up to speed as fast as Rat in high-level AW deserves a statue.

Northern Pike – Great player. Great writer. Great Avatar. Great name. Can’t think of a deficiency.

Admiral Kutzov – Wonderful player considering he is a complete idiot. ;)

Mad-Bax – Theodora only had the luck to play with Mad once, but she is a big fan of the avatar and writings.

Karasu – a gentleman and a scholar. When he writes, Theodora reads.

Combat Calculator Author – Whoever created the combat calculator (http://www.civfanatics.com/civ3combatcalc.html) has a spot reserved.

Arathorn – Winners of AWS games Theodora has read automatically get a spot. Regardless of how easy it is. :lol:

EvanCiv - for creating those very useful citizen smiley face badges.

Check back periodically for updates. Theodora is tired of typing for now and wants to go shop.

Tomoyo gets a city name because Theodora thinks Tomoyo has the most excellent ever-changing avatars, and Tomoyo knows the game. Also, Theodora is shamelessly sucking up in the hopes she can gain a spot on Tomoyo’s legendary games list.I was just gonna put this there! :eek:

You read my mind...

I was just gonna put this there! :eek:

You read my mind...

:bounce: Oh Boy! :bounce: I guess I better win this thing. :lol:

You've got pretty good momentum, should take an effort to lose. Was that what the :lol: was for?

You've got pretty good momentum, should take an effort to lose. Was that what the :lol: was for?

Yeah, also it wouldn't be very legendary to lose. :lol:

There is one loss in my list...

Chapter Ten

Theodora is excited. The huge Wall of the Greats (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2686902&postcount=41) has been established in the capital city’s central park. Byzantines from all over the island empire have come to read of the legends that have been memorialized on the wall. A mysterious Byzantine citizen known only as Shakespearodora has turned many of the legendary stories into dramas.

Given the overwhelming amount of time Theodora has spent on the Wall of the Greats, she is anxious to hear the after action report of her military commanders who have returned from France.

Major Woody: Good morning Theodora, we have prepared an after action report.

Theodora: Yes Major Woody, tell me what you have been up to. :lol: Oh I’m soooo funny.

Major Woody: Err, ugh, yes… Well, things went very well early on in France. As you know, we razed Marseilles to open up some real estate to create the opportunity to deploy Operation Byzantine Babe Magnet.

Theodora: I bet it worked too, Joan is pretty ugly. Joan is so ugly there is a sign in her throne room that says “Beware of Dog”. Her troops must have been ecstatic at the site of a beautiful Byzantine Bikini Babe :wow: .

Major Woody: Yes, they were ecstatic, it actually worked a little too well. As you can see in the picture below, Strike Force Beta was moving north from the icy of Marseilles and got caught in a traffic jam of pikes anxious to impress the Byzantine Babe. But, their pikes were inadequate and she departed via Babe Barge.
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1350AD_traffic_jam_zoom.JPG

Theodora: So force Beta and Alpha did not link up at Rheims as planned?

Major Woody: No, but Alpha razed Rheims anyway in 1380.

General Mayhem: A fine plan it was Theodora! The problem was Joan’s inability to act in accordance with the genius of the plan of Theodora. She is indeed stupid. Joan is so dumb she thinks Hot Meals are stolen food. Anyway, she responded to your plan by surrounding our inadequate army with superior numerical units and firepower.

Major Woody: Yes, classic military error, the use of overwhelming numbers and superior firepower and cutting the enemy off from reinforcement. Textbook error.

Theodora: Exactly! We were outgunned, out flanked, and out numbered. Perfect! We had Joan right where we wanted her, out in the open and not in her cities. Did you execute the appropriate measures?

General Mayhem: Yes, while we positioned Alpha to raze Rheims, the Byzantine Bikini Babe headed to the western coast of France to open up a coastal lane toward Chartres for Force Beta.

Theodora: Sweet.

Major Woody: We razed Chartres in 1385. Taking Rheims and Chartres back to back had to hurt Joan.

Theodora: I take great pleasure in Joan’s pain. :) Did you execute the rest of my Plan?

Major Woody: Yes. It just took a little longer to take Lyons than we had hoped, and Joan also settled the ruins very quickly and we had to deal with the new cities. The lack of roads also slowed us some.

Theodora: Can’t be helped. We had no choice but to raze Joan’s roads. What happened next?

Major Woody: It took quite some time to raze Lyons. There were so many huge stacks all over the place that when the Byzantine Babe pulled one stack out of Lyons, another stack moved into Lyons. Stacks of Death as far as the eye could see. Finally we just bombed the city to a pulp and killed a bunch of units. It was somewhat costly but Lyons fell in 1430. Then 1455 came along.

Theodora: You did something very special for Theodora in 1455, didn’t you?

General Mayhem: We sure did! Check this out.

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1335_Paris_gone.JPG

Theodora: I’m so pleased and so beautiful. My wits are all ablaze. Is there anything else before I go the mall for a celebratory pair of shoes?

Major Woody: Would you like a heads up on Sumeria.

Theodora: Heads up eh? I like the sound of a heads up from Major Woody!

Major Woody: Yes, ugh, err… we have pillaged Sumeria and will soon be landing some units there in anticipation of an attack on Lagash. As you can see we have been running a blockade to starve the city, and one of the Byzantine Bikini Babes [dressed as a knight] pulled some units onto that mountain to get them out of the city. Lagash is starving and will soon be less than size 6.
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_lagash_Starves.JPG

Theodora: Nice work. Keep it up Major Woody. :rotfl:

And with that Theodora left the throne room laughing hilariously at her little joke, at her good fortune, and especially at Joan’s pain at the loss of her palace.

How do u get away with these jokes?

Why is the AI so stupid on what should be the hardest difficulty level?!? Can't they make a Beyond Sid difficulty level like Bamspeedy?

They can. But all they can do is keep giving the AI more. Chieftan to Sid and beyond, it's still the same dumb 'ol string of computer code.

This is good so far... 2 questions
one, why did you distroy citys with wonders in them?
and two, why did you name your citys AWS and 1 and 2 and so on?

This is good so far... 2 questions
one, why did you distroy citys with wonders in them?
and two, why did you name your citys AWS and 1 and 2 and so on?

My culture is far below France and I did not want to slow down to quell resistance and/or lose them to a flip. I did keep the Lighthouse. I captured that Chinese city last so I would not have to risk a flip. I also rushed a library in the Lighthouse city to avoid the Aztecs taking it from me. I'll try to keep Leo's, Magellans and Sun Tzu. I did not want to capture SoZ as the last French city because I'd have more Acav to deal with. I wanted it gone first. It probably would have flipped and just been a royal pain to keep taking.

I don't like to MM very much, a little is okay, but every city every turn is not my cup of tea. But you must MM at least decently to win on high levels. Giving core cities names like 2,3,4,5 places them at the top of F1 so I can MM them more quickly. AWS is for Always War Sid. The 11_AWS makes it first on F1. Chinese cities are c1, c2, c3. Island cities are i1, i2, i3. Sometimes I forget to remane them when I settle and do it later.

If a player really MM'd this game for every last shield and coin they could probably finish centuries before I will. Also I regret going for chem before banking. This really is a fairly easy game, AWDG on continents or AWE pangaea standard size map is usually alot harder IMHO. This game just takes a long time to play and gets a little tedious.

How do u get away with these jokes?
:lol: Who knows. :lol:

Chieftan to Sid and beyond, it's still the same dumb 'ol string of computer code. Yeah, you have to use the computer against itself. But I do avoid the blatant exploits like free wealth. I think my biggest only LK banned exploit is the Byzantine Babe Bait & Switch.

It is amazing to see just how big the French SODs are even with so few cities left. The MI stacks are huge. Also it seemed like Joan would resettle almost immediatly. Some ruins were razed three times as Joan kept getting settlers to the sites very quickly.

Great game, and fun report. Can you just clarify exactly how the baiting of city garrisons to make them desert their posts works? I presume you are landing one weak unit two squares away, just out of reach, and that this is proving irresistible for the AI.

Great game, and fun report. Can you just clarify exactly how the baiting of city garrisons to make them desert their posts works? I presume you are landing one weak unit two squares away, just out of reach, and that this is proving irresistible for the AI.

Exactly. :goodjob:

One big surprise for me was how Joan spread her stacks out all over the place in response to the bait & switch, which created the traffic jam you see above. She would essentially move 1/2 a stack each time I baited her so the available tiles became few and far between. Lucky for me she was too dumb to just cover all her tiles, and she eventually quit splitting her stacks.

It's more like bait & run than bait & switch. :lol:

What weak unit are you using? Earlier you were talking about Theo herself landing, did you send your Regicide King (Empress :lol: ) unit there?

What weak unit are you using? Earlier you were talking about Theo herself landing, did you send your Regicide King (Empress :lol: ) unit there?

Explorers work really well because they can dart out from under an army to the appropriate spot. Then they can run like he** when the AI get close. Warriors, LBs, whatever extra is laying around are okay too, but you have to drop them from a boat. Planning ahead is a must.

Theodora pulled the stunt against Mao, but she refused to set foot on French soil so she sent the Byzantine Bikini Babe instead. :cool:

I took some time lapse photos of the bait & switch run against Sumeria over three turns for Offa, and I'll post them tomorrow. :goodjob:

I'll buy Theodora an Orange Julius and a slice of Sbarro's if she gets back to this story soon.

V

Great story! And outstanding jokes! Keep it up! :D

Great wits.... uhh story

I'll buy Theodora an Orange Julius and a slice of Sbarro's if she gets back to this story soon.

V

:lol: RL issues are just about put to bed. Theodora will sail soon.

Really a fantastic story, handy!

Chapter Eleven

Theodora cannot remember the last time she was this excited. She is beside herself with anticipation as she scans the Byzantine coast for Major Woody’s barge bringing news of the war in France. While she longs for French dyes and ivory, what she really desires is news that Joan has joined the chain gang along with Mao the little piggy. She laughs out loud at the though of Joan slaving away to rebuild the roads pillaged by the magnificent work of the dromons under the supervision of the Byzantine Admirals. It is Joan’s pain and loss that brings a real smile to Theodora’s face. “Joan is so smart, Joan is so cute, and she is sooooooo commercial and Industrious”. Theodora cannot stand to hear such things. Joan is so fat when she goes to the beach the nature lovers spend all day trying to drag her back into open water. Theodora is not like Joan at all, she is the most beautiful and wealthy queen in all the lands, and she gas impeccable taste. Theodora loves her sheeple and wants to provide them with luxuries to make them happy. Joan is just a fat, stupid and ugly bald has-been. And then there is Cleopatra. Theodora heard Cleo was worried she might turn into a nun because she spent so much time in the missionary position.

Soon Theodora spots a dromon flying a large flag with a pair of heels and a salad. What great news! It’s the Byzantine flag of battle triumph!

Later in the Palace:

Theodora: Okay, let’s hear it, and I want all the details!

Major Woody: As you know Theodora, during the attack on France our army of trebuchets and Longbows became stuck in a traffic jam during the march toward Lyons.

Theodora: Ironic, that we are using trebuchets against France. But, yes, I recall the traffic jam. We deployed the Byzantine Babe bait & switch to pull the French SODs from the city so we could raze them. By the way, how long is your bow Major?

Major Woody: :blush: Ugh...well...ugh..., as it turns out, the French were not leaving the city to chase the Byzantine Babe after all, despite her great beauty and wonderfully developed Byzantine wits.

Theodora: Men are pigs, except when they are not. Of course they went after the Byzantine Babe. We have been over this before. It’s like they are programmed or something to chase a lone maiden. What other explanation could there be?

Major Woody: Our interrogation of the French Generals reveals another reason.

Theodora: What would that be?

Major Woody: It turns out Joan insisted on directing the troops herself from Lyons, and Joan constantly ate beans during battle. Apparently she ugh…, has a problem with ugh…

Theodora: Spit it out Major.

Major Woody: She passed gas a lot from all those beans, and the troops could not stand the stench. They left the city to get away from Joan’s farts.

Theodora: Joan of Fart :rotfl:

Major Woody: Yeah, they called her that too. Anyway once Paris fell we were able to block the path of French settlers to the south.

Theodora: Yes, I heard that Joan insisted on settling on top of the ruins almost immediately.

Major Woody: She was relentless in resettling cities, but she was too dumb to provide and adequate garrison, and ultimately the French were toast. Get it?!? French Toast!

Theodora: Ugh, leave the humor to me major.

Major Woody: ugh…sure.

Theodora: Who is that next to you Major?

Major Woody: It’s our battle photographer. Since our photo capacity is limited, I’ll just show you this one.
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_Kill_Joan_1520.JPG

Theodora: :bounce: And Joan of Fart is now building roads along with the little piggy Mao?

Major Woody: Yes. They are oinking and farting their way to the coast as we speak.

Theodora: Excellent.
Where is General Mayhem? I want a report on the redneck Sumerian farmers. They are so redneck they think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. No wonder they liked Joan so much.

General Mayhem: Hmm, lots of fart humor today. Anyway, at your request I brought along photos of the Sumerian version of the Byzantine Babe Bait & Switch.

Below is phase one. We had scout the entire Sumerian lands to find a tile where we could not be reached by Sumerian knights and killed on the IBT. There was only one such tile on the entire island, and even then we had to kill a stack of knights to create the space. You can see here a closeup of the beautiful Byzantine Babe.
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_lagash_Starves.JPG


Theodora: And the ploy worked? I recall we were afraid the Sumerians would not go for it. The Sumerians are such redneck farmers that to them loading the dishwasher means getting the wife drunk.

General Mayhem: That's right. And you are well aware that in Sumeria the women are ugly and the sheep are nervous. In the end though, they fell hard for the beautiful Byzantine women. Things worked so well we were able to raze Lagash and Akshak to make some space for the next Byzantine Babe manuver. We burned Magellans in Akshak so Sumeria could not use it, and since we were far from obtaining the technology to use it ourselves. After we razed Akshak, we dropped the beautifu Byzantine Babe on the tip of the peninsula and this really opened up the Sumerian lands for our armies.

Sumeria takes the bait. Note the lack of Sumerian roads due to earlier pillaging by the army/explorer combo. The furs near Ur have a road because there was a big stack parked on top of the furs.
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_Bait_1_1555.JPG

Sumeria moves closer. Each pike you see is a giant SOD of Pikes, LB, MI
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_Bait_2_1560a.JPG

The babe will exit via the boat before she is captured.
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_Bait_3_1565a.JPG

Theodora: Executed to perfection General.

General Mayhem: Thanks. But, ugh… we do have one small issue Theodora.

Theodora: Yes?

General Mayhem: Sumeria got some new smoke poles called rifles in 1560. They are a lot better than our muskets and the rednecks call them rifles. They are a lot harder to kill than the old Sumerian pikes. It does not appear they have very many as they are short of cash for upgrades.

Theodora: Ahhh bigger and better smoke poles. You know how guns get me wound up, almost as much as a shoe sale or a night of show tunes. Don’t worry, just throw enough rocks at them and they’ll drop their rifles and flee. As for you, start building knights. I have this idea to build some better muskets, we’ll call them rifles too. Then I’ll equip the knights with rifles, dress them with lots of buttons, really fancy feathers in their hats and shiny riding boots up over the calf.

General Mayhem: Sounds great! What will we call them?

Theodora: :hmm: Calf boots and rifles…. How about Calfalry!

General Mayhem: Calfalry huh? I think it needs some work.

"Okay, I’ll think about it " replied Theodora as she left the room with a huge smile on her face and a bounce in her step. Sumeria on the run, Joan and Mao building roads, Cleo bombed into oblivion and Alex weeping like a little girl. If only Theodora could find a way to convince :love: Caesar to come and be her boy toy. Theodora loves Caesar because he is man enough to wear a dress. Well, not exactly love, more like a controlling obsessive lust, but a four-letter word starting with L nonetheless. She became a bit philosophical as her thoughts turned to Caesar. She has been reading a book about true love and a thoughtful and touching passage leapt into her mind as a tear came to her eye. Well, not exactly a tear, but you get the idea.
…If you love something, set it free…
…If it returns to you, it’s yours forever…
…If it does not return, hunt it down and kill it…

Gosh I'm addicted. STOP!

You said that you planned on using Dromons to destroy any AI boats before they saw your shores, preventing the computer from knowing the exact location of your island. But once you make contact, can't they establish an embassy in your capital -- finding out where it is?

You said that you planned on using Dromons to destroy any AI boats before they saw your shores, preventing the computer from knowing the exact location of your island. But once you make contact, can't they establish an embassy in your capital -- finding out where it is?

Doc T or another game mechanic expert lurking here can give a 100% definitive answer to this. But IIRC you cannot build an embassy while at war. I declare when I meet them, so no embassy. If the AI was smart, they could see the solution, build a big fleet and knock me out easily.

But they gave up on boats early on.

I'm pretty sure you're right about not being able to build embassies in wartime. I don't remember ever being able to do it, but then again I might not have tried.

Anyway..I haven't checked in in a while, but this is great. I don't know how you're avoiding moderator censorship with these jokes, but keep it up!

Ah. I should have thought of that... :blush:

Great Story!

:lol: Handy you are one funny freakin' dude.

Embassies can NOT be established during war time.

However, as far as I know part of the AI advantage is knowing the location of everything, including Theodora's island.

lol @ how long is your bow. Whenever I see that little smiley, I know Major Woody is talking

I don't know how you're avoiding moderator censorship with these jokes, but keep it up!

:hmm: Did not think of that. But there are no FCC banned words and this is pretty much fifth grade humor level, so I hope it's okay. You're never too old for fifth grade humor! Also, the :worship: moderators :worship: do have an extremely large monument that Theodora built in their honor on the Wall of the Greats (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2686902&postcount=41) from the remains of the SoZ. But I'll edit out stuff if need be since I want to maintain my standing as a good sheeple. If this were a movie I'm pretty sure it would get a "G" rating. :thumbsup:

I think it's fine Handy. What's wrong with sheeple, bikini babe explorers, wits, long bows...I've heard worse on Friends.

I'm not complaining or anything.....I was referring more to the "Keep it up, Major Woody" kind of stuff. I just don't know how he does it... :lol:

...and you're one to talk, with your sig! I don't care, it makes things a lot more interesting than a simple turnlog.

Chapter Twelve

Somewhere deep in the Greek mountains a secret meeting has been called. In attendance are Gilgamesh, Cleo, Alex, Caesar and The Aztec dude who name loosely translates as “Hard to Type”.

Alex: Thank you all for coming. I believe you all know why we are here, and you have read the briefing books. Caesar that does not look like a briefing book in your hands, what is it?

Caesar: Ugh… nothing. Never mind.

Alex: No, tell us.

Caesar: Well… it’s the latest copy of Byzantine Illustrated.

Gil: :wow: The swimsuit Issue!?!?!? Let me see, let me see!

Alex: Gil, you of all people! Theodora has razed two of your cities and marches on your capital and all you care about is the swimsuit issue. Get a grip on yourself man!

Cleo: Looks like he already has a grip on himself Alex. Here Gil, let me help you with that. My what a nice pike you have.

Gil: I bet you say that to all the boys.

Cleo: Yeah, pretty much.

Alex: STOP IT! We are in mortal danger and all you people care about is … well…stuff that doesn’t matter.

Aztec Dude: Hey Cleo, care to help me out?

Cleo: Forget it spear boy, you are as ugly as I heard. Even I have standards. You're so ugly, when your mama dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering. And take that stupid sock out of your trousers for crying out loud.

Alex: Please people, we are at war!

Caesar: I choose to think of it more as a little lover’s spat.

Gil: Easy for you so say, Theodora loves you. Well not exactly love, more like an obsessive controlling dysfunctional lust, but we should all be so lucky. What a set of wits she has. By the way, what’s with the dress Caesar? You can get your butt kicked by a redneck in Sumeria for wearing a matching dress and sandals like that.

Caesar: Alex also has a dress on.

Gil: Yeah, but we expect that kind of thing from him.

Alex: Sigh. Please people listen up. I’ve have brought in the world’s best strategic military planner to tell us how to win this war. Here he is now. I’m sure you all recognize General Insight.

General Insight: Good afternoon everyone.

Cleo: Aren’t you the guy Joan was using.

General Insight: No, she was using General Disaster.

Cleo: Oh. Are you busy later? Wanna see my tatoo?

General Insight: Err... ugh...I have studied the situation and rest assured you can rid yourselves of Theodora in 20 turns or less.

Gil: How so?

General Insight: Gil, you must build Frigates and Galleons and push your way through to Theodora’s homelands. Only warriors guard the homelands and your knights and rifles can easily destroy her once you reach her shores.

Alex: What about the dromons? They are everywhere.

General Insight: Fear not. Your Caravels can easily clear a path to Theodora’s shores. And your build rate is so advantageous, you can afford to lose many boats to the dromons and still penetrate the defenses. You have all the advantage you need.

Cleo: Penetrate, I love that word! :love: Say it again and I'll give you a backrub General.

Alex: Geez Cleo, can’t you see he’s busy?

Aztec Dude: I’m not busy.

Gil: Shut up spear boy. It is an interesting theory General, but aren’t you a little outside the box with this plan? We would have to disband units to do this, and my instincts tell me to build land units where I have the edge, not sea units where I am weak. After all, the best defense is a good defense.

General Insight: But your land units are always leaving cities to chase down a single Byzantine unit and leaving your cities exposed. You must protect your cities.

Caesar: But we have great odds against the lone Byzantine Maiden, and they are so hot. We must attack in size!

Cleo: You have great odds if you attack me with size Caesar.

General Insight: But 400 units to capture a lone Byzantine babe? Isn’t that excessive? Why not send 4 knights and maintain a garrison in your cities? Size is great, but this is overkill.

Caesar: Have you seen the wits on those maidens General?

Gil: He’s got a point general.

Cleo: I can actually see his point from over here.

Gil: Also keep in mind General, that maidens always say that size matters.

Cleo: He’s right about the size thing you know.

General Insight: :rolleyes: You people are doomed.

Meanwhile, back at Byzantine headquarters:

Theodora: Do you have the plans for the Sumerian invasion ready General Mayhem?

General Mayhem: Yes worthy Queen.

Theodora: Show me. Hey! Don’t show me that General, show me the map of the invasion plans.

General Mayhem: Oops sorry! Yes of course, show you wanted to see the battle plans. Slide one please Major Woody.

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_Sumeria_Zoom_1565.JPG

General Mayhem: As you can see we plan to split the armies up into a red and blue force. Attack force Alpha is in blue, and Beta is Red. We should have ample trebs to move on two attack paths. Our trebs are as ample as your wits. We expect Gil to resettle lands, so we may have to make two laps around Sumeria. Once we raze all of the large cities, Alpha will sail to Greece while Beta mops up the small resettled areas. Should be tedious work, but we expect it to go smoothly despite the size of Gil’s power graph and the fact we are weak compared to him.

Theodora: Gils power graph makes me a little weak. Show me the current military inventory.

Major Woody: Here is the unit inventory. 104 trebs should be enough.
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_units_1565.JPG

Theodora: Oooooh, 104 trebs! That’s a lot of rocks. Please tell me that the armies still have only 2 units loaded so caravels can transport them.

Major Woody: Yes, we only placed an extra musket in one army, just to be safe. We were a little confused by the math involved in calculating when an army will be attacked. Math is hard. The 2 unit LB and Knight armies work just fine after we launch a few rocks and sheep over the Sumerian walls.

Theodora: Yes, math is indeed hard. But from the looks of it, it’s not the only thing that’s hard Major Woody. :lol:

Major Woody: :blush:

And with that Theodora exited her throne room to check out the newest shoe styles using the recently acquired French dyes and ivory.

lol @ Alex being the only sane one

Man, this story ROX!
I've used your Byzantine Babe tactics (under a different shape) for my current game log :thumbsup:

Thank you for this great story. You have inspired me to try something new (AW, with the Byzantines, a new civ for me) and I am loving it.

Quack!

Thank you for this great story. You have inspired me to try something new (AW, with the Byzantines, a new civ for me) and I am loving it.

Quack!

There is a less humorous more tactical AWS overview HERE (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=117296) that might help some. :D

Chapter Thirteen

Theodora has assembled her military and economic advisors in the throne room for an update. With Joan and Mao building roads in the former French lands Theodora has turned her attention to the technically advanced Sumerians who control three luxuries that Theodora craves. She can only imagine what it will be like to parade in front of Joan clothed in Sumerian silks with Sumerian furs draped around her shoulders and Sumerian gems dripping from her hands and neck. Theodora hates Joan, and takes great pleasure in Joan’s current situation. She especially likes making Joan watch as she strolls down the countryside Joan used to rule. Theodora’s fashion advisors tell her of women who pierce their bodies for the purpose of wearing Sumerian gems. Theodora is not too sure about this piercing thing. They use needles to do that stuff, and needles hurt. But if that’s what it takes to be in fashion, Theodora is willing to pay the price. After all, she has been wearing uncomfortable shoes for centuries. Theodora smiles as she realizes that she would rather be a slave to fashion, than a slave on a road crew like Joan.

Theodora: What year is it anyway? And who is that beside you?

General Mayhem: It is 1685, and this is General Overview.

General Overview: Good morning Theodora, I bring you good news from the last 100 years on the battlefields of Sumeria. Your plan was excellent.

Theodora: Of course it was, tell me something I don’t know.

General Overview: Let me begin by discussing the map below which displays operation Divide and Conquer. As you can see, we divided the army to keep the pressure on the Sumerian Generals.

Before – 1585
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_Sumeria_Zoom_1565.JPG

After - 1685
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1685_sumer.JPG

Theodora: What’s the first city you killed.

General Overview: Erech.

Theodora: :hmm: Interesting name for a civilization with a big power graph. I suppose former citizens of Erech shun their leaders.

General Overview: I guess so. After we razed Erech in 1585 we created a lot of space. We then moved along as fast as our oxen could pull the trebuchets and managed to raze several Sumerian cities over the next 100 years. By 1685 there was only 1 of the original Sumerian cities left, and three new towns of population one.

Theodora: Were the rifles any trouble?

General Overview: Not really, we threw loads of rocks at them and then killed them with armies. Gil’s General’s pleaded with their troops to return and protect the cities, but they spent all their time in the countryside hoping for a glimpse of a Byzantine Bikini Babe Tanning Team.

Theodora: What did you expect? The Sumerians are just a bunch of science nerds and redneck farmers. I knew the rednecks would drop everything for a shot at a Byzantine maiden. Once we let it leak to the press that the Byzantine Babe was their cousin, the rednecks were really hot for her. Apparently the family trees of the rednecks don’t have many forks.

I understand the nerds were not attracted to the babes, but lucky for us, there is a new Star Wars movie coming out, and the nerds have been in line for months. So research was at a standstill.

General Overview: :confused: What is Star Wars?

Theodora: Never mind that.

General Overview: I did learn a few things as we crossed the country razing cities.

Theodora: Such as?

General Overview: Apparently “fast food” for the rednecks is when a knight kills a squirrel while galloping along the road. And most of the slaves we captured recall fifth grade as the best 6 years of their life. And they all think a subdivision is a math problem. And many have pulled money out of a 401k to bail a relative out of jail. And their bass boat payments are larger than their house payments. And all their houses are on wheels and seem to attract tornados. And many have picutres of Jesus, Elvis and Dale on their living room walls like the one below.
http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/1171/3kings3.jpg


Theodora: Okay okay! I get the picture. Yes, they are a strange people. Were it not for the nerds, they would not be so technically advanced. Apparently there was a big internal debate because the rednecks wanted to research motorized transportation. Not for tanks, but rather in the hopes of one day building a wonder called the Daytona International Speedway (http://www.daytonainternationalspeedway.com/track/TrackFacts.jsp) whatever that is. The nerds on the other hand were dying to race up the tech tree to build rockets, but some government bureaucrats won the day and researched fascism and revolted instead. Quite an interesting lot, those Sumerians.

General Overview: What is surprising is that by the end of 1685 we were still weak compared to Sumeria despite the fact we had 110 trebs, 12 armies, 37 knights, 54 LB, 22 muskets 54 dromons and 32 caravels.

Theodora: I think the same guys who are doing the power ratings are the one who thought OJ was innocent.

General Overview: Who’s OJ?

Theodora: Never mind, it’s not important. I notice that in 4 turns we will learn metallurgy. Finish up with Sumeria and then ship the trebs to the town of Byzantium where we have a harbor that is a part of the trade network. There is a barracks there where you can upgrade the trebs to cannon. Alex is in for a shocker when he gets a load of the big guns coming his way. I love big guns. How big is your gun General?

General Overview: :blush:

Theodora: Where are my economic advisors?

AlanGreenspaodora: At your service.

Theodora: I see you remembered to wear your little girl-scout uniform for me, and the cookies are great. Are you building Banks and Universities in the core as I instructed.

AG: Yes, many are complete with the remainder to follow soon. Research is at 30% and the lux slider is at zero with a few size 12 cities using 1 specialist.

Theodora: Good. We’ll soon have 7 luxuries, so happiness will never be a problem.

AG: yes, we will be in perpetual “We Love the Queen” day mode.

Theodora: Ugh… it was my understanding that we’ve been in “We love the Queen Day” since, oh, about 4000bc. Just for that, next time it’s a G-string for you AG!

AG: As you wish. Is that all?

Theodora: Yes, where are the diplomats? Is there any word from Caesar? Did he get the cheerleader outfits I sent to him?

Diplomats: Caesar longs for peace, but he cannot accept your demands.

Theodora: Demands!?! I did not send him a list of demands. I sent him a list of needs. I’m saddened… sort of… a little… by his continued unwillingness to meet my needs. I love him… kind of… and I’m sure that making me happy would make him happy. I stand here willing to let him make me happy all of the time. Is that not enough?

Tell Caesar I promise not to raze Rome and I’ll let his palace remain for my summer home. I’ll even throw in a title of princess and a whole new spring line of Sumerian silk dresses, furs, and gems for him to prance about in. He can spend hours at the mall while I try on clothes, listening to me gossip with my friends during lunch and going to the fashion shows in New Paris with me. No real man can refuse an offer like that.

Satisfied with her offer, Theodora strode from the throne room certain that the thought of spending his days pleasing her would close the deal with Caesar. With a new confidence based on the imminent death of Sumeria and her “relationship” with Caesar, Theodora called for her royal barge. Set a course for France, she said, humiliating Joan never grows old.

Somewhere deep in the Greek mountains a secret meeting has been called. In attendance are Gilgamesh, Cleo, Alex, Caesar and The Aztec dude who name loosely translates as “Hard to Type”.

It's not hard to type. It's Montezuma.

Cleo: Penetrate, I love that word! Say it again and I'll give you a backrub General.

:lol: ROFL!!

I seriously laughed so hard at this update my mom thought I was choking to death. Great story...I dare even say it's excellent. :goodjob:

great update

Chapter Fourteen

As 1756 dawns Alex has called for a second Summit meeting of the civilizations allied against Theodora. Gil cannot attend because he is busy trying to survive the massive amount of Byzantines wandering his lands. Gil has a lone island capital, but has hidden many settlers under stacks and they insist on plopping down new towns, which Theodora must raze. Very soon Gil will become just another miner in the Sumerian gem mines. Alex has moved to panic mode because Theodora has moved one of her stacks to Greece and has already razed three Greek cities in a drive to open a sea-lane to Sumeria in order to transport gems, silks and furs to her shores. Alex had resettled two of the three cities, but he remains on edge and in a panic.

Alex: Thanks you all for coming. Last time we met I tried to warn you of the gathering strength of the Byzantine forces. If we act now we can still turn the tide of war. I am totally freaking out because the Byzantines are swarming all over my lands. Theodora is a maniac! She has actually publicly declared her intentions to raze Athens even though it has Leonardo’s Workshop. She is a mad woman. What’s worse, my beloved and disciplined hops are chasing those stupid Byzantine Babes all over the countryside. After centuries of loyalty and hard training they desert their stations in hopes of catching a glimpse of that stupid Byzantine tanning team.

Caesar: Hey Alex, those tanning babes are pretty hot! Furthermore, Theodora is no mad woman. She has made me a quite reasonable peace offer.

Alex: Are you kidding Caesar?!?! It’s more like an offer to be on the wrong end of The relationship from Hades than a peace offer. She wants you to go to the mall, shop for shoes with her, and watch her try on clothes. That my friend, is Hades on earth.

Caesar: It’s better than pulling 18-hour shifts at the gem mines like Gil will soon be doing.

Alex: I’m not too sure about that. 18 minutes at a mall looking at shoes can seem like 18 hours. Face it Caesar, you’ll just be another one of her possessions and your clan will be wiped from the face of the earth. You will leave no legacy behind if you do not continue to fight with us.

Caesar: I don’t know Alex, Theodora has made a pretty good offer. She says even though the language of my people will surely die out, she will guarantee that thousands of years in the future students in far away lands will study far into the night to learn Latin.

Alex: Caesar, you’re not going to fall for the dead language lie are you? I mean, why would anyone – much less a student – stay up all night to learn a language no one even speaks anymore. Not. Gonna. Happen.

Spear Boy: Can I say something?

Alex, Cleo, Caesar: NO!

Caesar: Theodora is even offering to name a salad after me. What courageous leader of men does not dream of a legacy like that? Caesar Salad. I like the sound of that. Just think, my name on the lips of diners everywhere. It brings a tear to my eye.

Cleo: Brings a tear to my eye too Caesar. Here, give me your hand and come cry on my shoulder.

Caesar: Err…that’s not my hand and that’s not your shoulder.

Cleo: Oops! ...Hey, want try out my new hot tub?

Spear Boy: I like hot tubs, I’ll try it.

Alex, Cleo, Caesar: SHUT UP!

Cleo: Please Caesar, I’ll get your name tattooed on my bottom if you will run away with me.

Alex: Cleo, I’m surprised you have room on your bottom for any more tattoos. Forget about Caesar, go find a carpenter somewhere. After all, you’re a carpenter’s dream, flat as a board and easy to nail. As for you Caesar, I think you’ve been out in the sun a little too long. Let us hear what our guest General has to say.

General Insight: As I said last time, you are strong to Theodora and even now could wipe her out with the huge discount you receive on the build rate. You fear her armies too much. You can easily defeat them and steal all her artillery. Theodora can be wiped from the face of the earth in 20 turns if you follow my lead.

Cleo: I’ll follow your lead General.

Alex: Have you gotten into my personal stash of incense General? Those armies are scary. They have flags and stuff. No way I’m going to battle them.

General Insight: If you do not do something soon, it will be too late. I understand you have researched Military Tradition Alex, start building cavalry immediately.

Alex: Ugh, I need Saltpeter.

General Insight: How many useless techs are you guys going to research anyway? Gil revolted to Fascism for crying out loud. Act like an alliance for a change. Cleo has saltpeter, trade for Saltpeter with her. Heck, trade techs all around and gang up on Theodora.

Cleo: I’m not trading with Alex, he insulted me… I think. Hey General, are you busy later? Wanna play twister with me?

General Insight: Like I said earlier, you people are doomed. :shakehead

Meanwhile, over in Byzantium…

Theodora: Nice to see you up and around Major Woody, and I hear you are also feeling better. Have you opened the sea-lanes to Sumeria?

Major Woody: Yes! As you can see from the map below Greece has settled on the ruins of two of their cities, but the new cities lack border expansion. We plan to raze the cities along the coast, then swing back around as more troops rise and grab both Leo and Smith for you. These Sid AI insist on settling cities as fast as we raze them. We almost wind up wiping an island clean twice. Of course the second time goes a little faster. We plan to capture Leo’s and Smiths last on the same turn so we can keep them.

Theodora: You must raze Athens and Leo with it.

General Mayhem: But Theodora, Leo’s is a great wonder. It will save us tons of cash and all the generals agree that we should keep it.

Theodora: No way. :mad: I have heard that Alex is turning Caesar against me. I want Alex to watch his palace and Athens burn to the ground. It will please me greatly to make Alex cry.

General Mayhem: But burning Leo’s is going to raise a lot of eyebrows over at headquarters. Not to mention the civfanatics forums.

Theodora: Get over it, I’m Queen and I hate Alex for trying to turn Caesar against me.

General Mayhem: Err, Caesar is already against you, we are at war, remember?

Theodora: Yes, Caesar is at war with me, but that just proves to me how much he cares. :love:

General Mayhem: …I’ll never understand women… :rolleyes:

Theodora: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

General Mayhem: Err, ugh, I said razing Leo’s is a stroke of genius! :D And of course Caesar is showing his love by making war on you. So, what do you want to do about the Smith wonder?

Theodora: Keep Smith, it’s not in Athens. I’m a spiteful, but not that spiteful.

General Mayhem: Err…got it, torch Leo, keep Smith. Makes perfect sense. :confused:
Major Woody has news for you.

Major Woody: The cannon are really putting the hurt on Alex, and you will be glad to know we now have Calfalry. But the men prefer to call it cavalry. Sounds more masculine to them.

General Mayhem: Are you sure we cannot keep Leo’s to upgrade all our knights? Please, please, please?

Theodora: NO! I want to see a pile of rocks where Athens used to be. Make it happen.

General Mayhem: As you wish. :( By the way, Major Woody is right, the cannon are working great.

Theodora: Ahhh, cannon. I love the big guns almost as much as shopping! Keep kicking Alex’s butt up and down his island, then go over and eliminate Cleo. I want Cleo all by herself on an island ASAP, a fate worse than death for a bimbo like her. I hear Cleo continues to put the moves on Caesar and is trying to get him in the hot tub. I want her gone! Do you hear me? Gone!

And remember Major, hands off Rome. We must spare Caesar to the last possible moment in the hopes that he will see the light of reason. Still, I need something to close the deal with Caesar. :hmm: What is it that a man like Caesar can’t say no to? I’ve got it! I’ll promise to fully discuss the minute details of all my daily experiences with him! That’s it! What man can refuse the chance to hear a woman like me drone on for hours on end about a manicure, which could have been fully vetted in 2 minutes? Why didn’t I think of this before? I’m convinced Caesar is my soul mate... or at the least my soul acquaintance.

And with that Theodora strode from the throne room, confident she had just the sweetener for the pot that Caesar needed.

1756. As the game progressed, Alex was careful to allocate a large stack of hops to guard the polluted mountain you see below.
Pollution Mountain remained in Greek hands to the bitter end.

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/Greece_1756.JPG

Great story! :thumbsup:

The mention didn't hurt, either. ;)
I'm not still swamped in AP work (usually), I've just been hanging out in OT more often. The next two weeks are exams, though; it's gonna be hell (e.g. I have 4 exams in a row)! :wow:

Handy, a brilliant game and a terrific writeup. :clap: I think the only elementary-school classic you left out was the one concerning the fruit grower with imaginative ideas about how to punish poachers. :lol: I particularly like the way you've varied the format so that the humour doesn't become repetitive. Finding my handle on the Wall of the Greats was just a bonus. ;)

This is a great story! zerksees is in awe of Theodora's wits :worship:

However zerksees is concerned that Theodora's informants are not telling the entire truth! :eek:

As 1756 dawns Alex has called for a second Summit meeting of the civilizations allied against Theodora.

If indeed the dromons and other boats had succeeded in keeping the other countries separated, then how can they have such a conference? :confused:

Could it be that someone spent too much time sniffing glue used to make the latest styles of shoes? Could it be that Theodoras own people are equally distracted by the bikini bait and run? Perhaps this can be explained some other way...

Aw c'mon zerksees can't they sneak out on a fishing boat and meet on some remote island? Do you think Theo's generals are so ruthless they wouldn't let a fisherman fish?

Could it be that someone spent too much time sniffing glue used to make the latest styles of shoes? Could it be that Theodoras own people are equally distracted by the bikini bait and run? Perhaps this can be explained some other way...

Ohhhh, that is indeed a good catch. How can this be? Theodora must investigate.

ESP? Carrier Pigeon? Diplomatic Immunity for passage of the boats? An extensive tunnel system? Bribed Dromon captains? :hmm:

Who will be the first to solve this mystery? Theodora has reserved a place on the Wall of the Greats for the detective who can reveal this secret to her.

It cannot be a leader of an enemy civ. Indeed only Caesar and the Aztec dude even know of any other civ besides their own and Theodora. If they did they would certainly be trading techs like no tomorrow. Perhaps the military advisor has been overstating the powers of the enemy in hopes of gaining Theodora's affections away from Caesar! zerksees recommends a hearing to question the military advisor General Mayhem. My future place on the Wall of Greats awaits...

It cannot be a leader of an enemy civ. Indeed only Caesar and the Aztec dude even know of any other civ besides their own and Theodora. If they did they would certainly be trading techs like no tomorrow. Perhaps the military advisor has been overstating the powers of the enemy in hopes of gaining Theodora's affections away from Caesar! zerksees recommends a hearing to question the military advisor General Mayhem. My future place on the Wall of Greats awaits...

Theodora believes you have earned a spot on the wall for brining this to her attention. :clap:

Now, will you deny another their place on the wall by also solving the mystery?

There may be an additional spot available for the citizen that suggests to Theodora a suitable form of punishment if it turns out she has a traitor amongst her midst.

Montezuma was pulling the wings off of flies, trying to decide if he was going to order his men to get more marshmellows to roast over the burned fields the Dromons were making of his country when he was struck alongside the head with a hunk of flattened bread filled with strips of meat and vegetables. At first thinking it was a taco, he was surprised to find the bread was soft to the touch. His friend, Aztecezuma, told him it was a 'gyro' and that was why he had thrown it. Some guy selling flowers near the docks had given it to him to eat. Montezuma then went to the flowerman and after having his boys beat the heck out of the strangely dressed fairy and stealing the hubcaps off his cart, told him to take his odd food and perfumed smelling clothes out of his country and back to where he came from. The flower seller limped home where he recounted his tale at the greasy hands of his oppressors to everyone who's shoulder he could clutch manly to and cry upon. This type of abuse wouldn't do, but the Greeks were unused to physical combat being lovers and not fighters and knew they needed a tough as nails broad to help them out (mainly because other men intimidated them). While Alex, their Queen, er King, was getting his hair frosted and permed, he had used Quincey, his hairdresser, as a go betwen and mediator with Cleopatra. Quincey, who was able to avoid the Dromons by flying under their gaydar, made his way to Egypt and Cleopatra. Cleo, who was known to be fond of biker bars and guys with tatoos, promptly had the hairdresser beat up, but not before learning about Alex and his limp wristed ways. Anxious and excited to see if there were other easily cowed men running other empires, commissioned soft core pornogrpahic statuary of herself in a variety of exotic poses, each one with her phone number stenciled under the battleship tatooed across her chest. These naked statues of herself were peddled (cheaply) all over the known world until the repressed collecting community managed to bid cheaply on the lot of them on Ebay, giving them to their head nerd king Gilgamesh for his birthday. Upon seeing the naked carved flesh laid out for his eyes to feast upon, Gil then disappeared behind the zigguraut for a half an hour with a handful of tissues and a Pall Mall menthol. He tried getting in touch with the object of his erotic fantasies, but accidentally dialed a different number getting some squealing character on the line instead. Disgusted and feeling like a rube, he hung up, but not before, Mao, who had been painting ritualistic tea cups with his toes, angered at being disturbed and forced to answer the phone, decreed that all phones shall be ever banned in his kingdom again. Thousands of heartbroken teens lay listless and in terror, fleeing the country as fast as they could; precious cell phones gripped firmly in their grasp as they tried to find somewhere to live in peace and without long distance charges. After much roaming, they settled in with a bunch of men who walked around in dresses and wore leaves in their hair, but liked to work out and trade manly stories in the communal baths. They told the king of this land, Caesar, their long drawn out tale who was impressed that others had anything to say that didn't involve a rolled up wet towel snapped out at his arse. Hoping to meet up with other people, he had sent one of his best runners with a baton in his hand out the gates and commanded the youth to find these other people that the cell phone using teens had spoken about. The runner had gotten his directions confused and after a period of discontinuity, wound up in France. He was delirious, sick to his stomach, and on his death bed, before he was taken to Joan who had just come back from spray painting anarchistic symbols and ghetto tags along some Wall of Greats her people had been known to deface once in a while. She listened to his ramblings, flicking the piercing in her left nipple and aternatingly opening and closing her switchblade knife with an idle thumb. Disgusted at last, she figured the best thing to do was to get all these other weirdo's together in one place and have a breakdancing competiton with them. She commissioned a flat bottomed barge to take her to all the islands to speak with the other leaders but they were hemmed in by the fierce Dromon fleet. With cunning ingenuity, she had the country's best mimes perform their best 'walking against the wind' motion; the force of it pushed the byzantine fleet aside briefly enough for her to make it to the first summit.

It has taken some serious hard work and lots of struggle to decipher EXACTLY how this amazing thing could have happened but to the best of my abilities, this is how the other civs were able to meet at the food court and have a summit meeting outside of Bob's Big Boy's.

Great one;
There are far too many Dromons patroling the seas to keep tabs on each and every one. It would be all too easy for a wayward captain to sneak out in the dark of night and shuttle enemy leaders to where they need to be. Who knows if captains born of now dead civs are loyal to you, oh Empress with the greatest of Wits?
Perhaps a test of loyalty is in order... and ah, what a test it could be!
For those who pass it, time spent working with the Wits.
For those who fail, though. They shall be forced to spend the rest of their days gadding with Joan and Mao. Or worse... They could mastheads for the great ships that they have defiled with their foreign cargo.

I await your command to serve, oh great empress.

OOC: Great story. Gotta try the distraction technique on my own some time.

SaaM

It has taken some serious hard work and lots of struggle to decipher EXACTLY how this amazing thing could have happened but to the best of my abilities, this is how the other civs were able to meet at the food court and have a summit meeting outside of Bob's Big Boy's.
:lol:

I'm sticking to Captain Real Salty the fisherman.

Salty took care of the dromon captains by bringing in a haul for their ships on a regular basis. The crew was always happy. It was always good to have a meal that Salty could put together because to be honest...Byz babes were so hot at cooking. Not that they weren't big fans of the Byz babes it's just they couldn't cook.

With his status as "the fish guy", everyone had to have a "fish guy" in those days you know. Being "the fish guy" Salty was allowed a lot of free reign. He became very wealthy and was able to create a fleet of fishing boats, sightseeing tours and fish taco restaurants. Dromon captains love fish tacos. Personally I liked the sightseeing tours because it gave a close up shot of the byz babes running away from the silly knight guys drooling on themselves trying to meet the byz babes. If only those silly knights knew how the byz babes cooked. :lol:

I digress...thing is Salty was a b'nessman first and foremost. When the time came and the leaders of the rest of the known world needed a place to meet. Where was it? On Salty's boat of course. They paid him some tall cabbage for this rendevous. Salty personally picked up Cleo for the meeting so he could show her his new lure and pole. She really like his pole. This is how the whole thing shook out. Salty is still revered by dromon captain's worldwide.

Salty Fish Tacos (tm) from "The Fish Guy"(tm) Come and get it!!!

Its not as exciting as the Bob's Big Boy story but it's the way things REALLY went down.

I love this line

Gil: Easy for you so say, Theodora loves you. Well not exactly love, more like an obsessive controlling dysfunctional lust, but we should all be so lucky. What a set of wits she has. By the way, what’s with the dress Caesar? You can get your butt kicked by a redneck in Sumeria for wearing a matching dress and sandals like that.

Caesar: Alex also has a dress on.

Gil: Yeah, but we expect that kind of thing from him.

LOL that is just too funny!

zerksees is going to take this opportunity to assist the great Theodora in her search for the perpetrator of these falsehoods. There is a long trail of evidence that all points toward General Mayhem. I have a lawyer to spell it out for you. I felt a formal presentation might improve the credibility of the case. His name is General Counsel.

General Counsel: Dearest Theodora, it is now my sworn duty to help you uncover the worm that has misinformed you. To find ther perpetrator, you need look no further than the text from these meetings, and the words of General Mayhem himself.


Alex: Thank you all for coming. I believe you all know why we are here, and you have read the briefing books. Caesar that does not look like a briefing book in your hands, what is it?

Caesar: Ugh… nothing. Never mind.

Alex: No, tell us.

Caesar: Well… it’s the latest copy of Byzantine Illustrated.


General Counsel: This portion of dialogue was concoted by General Mayhem to undermine Theodora's belief that Caeser has a thing for her. There is more...


General Insight: Gil, you must build Frigates and Galleons and push your way through to Theodora’s homelands. Only warriors guard the homelands and your knights and rifles can easily destroy her once you reach her shores.

Alex: What about the dromons? They are everywhere.

General Insight: Fear not. Your Caravels can easily clear a path to Theodora’s shores. And your build rate is so advantageous, you can afford to lose many boats to the dromons and still penetrate the defenses. You have all the advantage you need.


General Counsel: This fabricated dialogue is a feeble attempt to raise the value of defensive forces, thereby increasing the position and power of General Mayhem in the Byzantine empire. Who else would know the weaknesses of the Byzantine empire? Surely not any of the other leaders, they cannot even find the Byzantine empire let alone analyze its weaknesses.


General Mayhem: Err, Caesar is already against you, we are at war, remember?


General Counsel: If Theodora uses her mighty wits she too will see that General Mayhem is openly trying to turn her against Caesar. The above was yet another try to manipulate Theodora's wits. Ask him directly and you will expose him for what he is.

Certainly if any of the other stories were true, technologies would have changed hands and clearly they did not. Can there be another suspect?

zerksees: Thank you General Counsel.

I rest my case, and sincere apologies if anyone else has been denied their place on the Wall of Greats.

Theodora has issued subpoenas to Whomp, Zerksees, Stuck as a Mac and Vanadorn to appear in her throne room. She must investigate this matter thoroughly and determine the proper course of action. It is obviously a vast conspiracy, but she is uncertain if it is a vast right wing, left wing or buffalo wing conspiracy. It will necessitate the finest conspiratorial advisors Theodora can buy as well all her mighty wits to get to the bottom of this unsolved mystery. She will release a transcript of the proceedings as soon as one is available.

Mmmm...buffalo wing.

After performing some of the most exhausting investigative reporting on the planet, I now have to endure sitting here in Theodora's throne room for an interminable amount of time with these other glory hunting hacks? I mean the black light posters of pumas and half naked barbarian babes by Frank Frazetta are interesting as well as the zebra striped cushions on this love seat, but there's only so much Britney Spears Muzak I can listen to piped over the intercom and the smell of the Vanilla/Jasmine scented candles from Wicks & Sticks is getting me nauseous.

Thank goodness for the free buffalo wings and curly fries or I'd just go nuts waiting for this to continue.

Wish I had something to drink other than Bartle & James Wild Berry Wine Coolers or Zima.

It's a government investigation, so these things take time. ;)

Chapter Fifteen

As the 1700’s draw to a close word has reached Theodora of a vast conspiracy to rob her of her rightful place as the queen of the earth. Theodora has many faithful subjects who have risked their all to make her aware that there may be a member of the inner circle of advisors who is offering aide to the enemies of the Byzantine Nation. Undoubtedly these wonderful servants are great fans of wits, especially those of the caliber of Theodora’s.

Theodora has read the reports of her investigators, and has summoned them for questioning.

Theodora: Tell me Zerksees, how did you arrive at the conclusion that there was a traitor in our midst?

If indeed the dromons and other boats had succeeded in keeping the other countries separated, then how can they have such a conference?

Theodora: Yes, well done!

Zerksees - You will receive eight wonderful witty concubines. That’s one for each day of the week and two for Friday nights. I’m also throwing in a beachfront estate. You’ll need a nice place to rest.

Vanadorn - I am most pleased with the thoroughness of the research. The report was excellent! You really should try your hand at writing (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=88714) sometime. ;) Unraveling a mystery of this magnitude has proved your worthiness, and as a result you now have full responsibility for training the Byzantine Bikini Babe Bait & Switch Team. These are women of fully developed wit and great beauty, and they will require constant servicing…err I mean coaching. I am sure you are capable, but just in case I have awarded you full distribution rights to the wines and incense under my control. This will give you great power, which of course is the ultimate aphrodisiac. ;)

Stuck as a Mac and Whomp - My most trusted advisors launched a full scale investigation into your suspicions, with regards to the use of my beloved Dromons and Old Salty to shuttle the enemy. Both of these suspicions indeed proved correct and you are therefore appointed to train the mounted Bikini Babe teams as they prepare for the assault on Cleo. Ride those babes to get them in condition. I am sure you are up to the task. If not, try a little saltpeter. ;-)

The missing link to all of this came as quite a surprise to me. For a time I thought Zerksees was onto something with respect to General Mayhem. But the mastermind that controlled all of the various pieces to this puzzle was none other than Seaman Samples.

Of course I should have seen this a long time ago. His love for refried beans, his incessant farting, his baldness and affinity for science fiction and his love for the men of the navy. Seaman Samples is the bastard child of Joan of Fart and Gilgamesh who was suckled by Cleo and then raised by Alex and educated in espionage by the Aztec and Roman masters until the time he was secreted into the hands of one of my maidens in a wicker basket pulled from the reeds by the river. He almost fooled my best interrogators because he is a silver tongue devil who was trained in the art of communication by Alex’s master debater. The beans, always the beans, it was all there right in front of my nose.

But fear not worthy subjects, Seaman Samples and the leaders will pay dearly for this fraud they have perpetrated on Theodora. Except maybe Caesar :love:. I long for Caesar, and I want him to belong to me. Or at least to be long for me.

This is a great story! zerksees is in awe of Theodora's wits :worship:
If indeed the dromons and other boats had succeeded in keeping the other countries separated, then how can they have such a conference? :confused:


Artistic License.
It happens all the time in great stories. It is why everything in Hollywood says "Based on a True Story."
No disrespect to Handy, but unless we are watching over his shoulder, it is not a true story. The only times I have watched civ over someones shoulder they got really annoyed.
It is a fun read though and should be kept up.

Hail Theadora!
And thank you very, very (x50) much for the chance to train the Mounted Bikin Babe divison.
And train we shall :)

Your faithful, humble, devoted servant
SaaM

Hail Theadora!
And thank you very, very (x50) much for the chance to train the Mounted Bikin Babe divison.
And train we shall :)

Your faithful, humble, devoted servant
SaaM
@ SaaM I am witch you on dat.
Thank you so kindly :queen: of the whole universe.

SaaM--I say we start with a little of this :beer:
then do a little of this :dance:
and this :band:

Talk about this :groucho:
and well....time to train a little...:bounce: and a little more...:bounce:and...one more time...:bounce: Phew!!!

Life's good and we're living it large and in charge!! :cooool:

Artistic License.
Well put. I was using the same when I asked the question.

This is ql! I love the story!

Wow! I've never laughed so much on one of these games before! Please don't kill Alex yet. Make him beg for mercy while crying in the most fashionable dress. Odd how Theodora likes transvestites though, isn't it?

I have put the Byzantine Bikini Babe Bait & Switch Team through some motions and had them sweating profusely under my ministrations. They have performed erectionally...er...exceptionally well under the pressure and constant pounding I've been putting to them. I can safely say that unless their great wits are thrust boldly into some further sordid tale and adventure, their edge will become blunted and their skills limp with disuse.

For inspiration until they can once more prance enticingly near hordes of sweaty, armor wearing men, I have had them administer full body oil massages to their skin in an effort to keep them from getting chapped and wind burned. But, with the declining sales of Jennifer Lopez' records looming high over my girls' glistening bodies and the sure to be diminished number of underage drinking parties being offered at this year's off campus sorority houses, I hope that handy and Theodora can find it in their best interests to put the Popeye's fried chicken down and return to this tale.

Before it's too late.

V

I personally think this is the best story ever. Please add more. You will be in big trouble once the moderators read this. If they havent allready.

I personally think this is the best story ever. Please add more. You will be in big trouble once the moderators read this. If they havent allready.

I'm too lazy to go back and check, but hasn't a moderator or two made a comment already? (and not about stopping)... :confused:

Darwin420 is right. Or at least I think so. Anyway, this is in the legendary games list, is quite old, and seems to be quite popular. So it HAS to have been checked by an admin.

By the way, I'm new and want to know how to change the name under my underlined username left of this post. Yes, it is the place that says Chieftain. I want that to be something else. No, I don't want it to be "something else" but something different from Chieftain. I can ask such things, right?

I have put the Byzantine Bikini Babe Bait & Switch Team through some motions and had them sweating profusely under my ministrations. They have performed erectionally...er...exceptionally well under the pressure and constant pounding I've been putting to them. I can safely say that unless their great wits are thrust boldly into some further sordid tale and adventure, their edge will become blunted and their skills limp with disuse.

For inspiration until they can once more prance enticingly near hordes of sweaty, armor wearing men, I have had them administer full body oil massages to their skin in an effort to keep them from getting chapped and wind burned. But, with the declining sales of Jennifer Lopez' records looming high over my girls' glistening bodies and the sure to be diminished number of underage drinking parties being offered at this year's off campus sorority houses, I hope that handy and Theodora can find it in their best interests to put the Popeye's fried chicken down and return to this tale.

Before it's too late.

V

Theodora has been busy with spa treatments, but is now tanned, rested and ready for some more war. She is a little disappointed that she will never reach medicine. She was hoping for some wit augmentation, but alas, this is not meant to be. She has appointed Vanadorn as Poet Laureat of the Byzantine empire. Not that this really title means anything, but she thought maybe it would impress some of the babes, although perhaps not the blonds that will soon be arriving from Sumer, Greece and Egypt.

Vanadorn: I am Vanadorn, Poet Laureat of the empire. :king:

Blond: Lariat? I bet you're good with ropes and stuff. I love horses.

Vanadorn: :rolleyes:

Great story Handy! Found this and laughed so hard I spilled my beer and nearly shot myself in the foot.
BTW: Sorry about the drop in SG. I am on the road averaging around 5 out of 6 weeks and just can't find the time to sit for 3-4 hours.

Great story!! Post more now!!! You are amazing to try an AWS, when I can't usually even beat Emperor.

Chapter Sixteen
With the mystery surrounding the Summit Meetings Fully resolved, and Seaman Samples safely removed from the navy, Theodora has turned her attention back to Alex. Alex has a love of incense and as a result his research has not kept pace with Theodora. His insistence on making his hoplites wear dresses while they battle Theodora’s cavalry had taken a toll on the Greek Army. While large in numbers, the are easily pulled to and fro by the new and improved Byzantine Babe Bikini Bait & Switch Team which has been fully serviced err…, trained by Vanadorn. Yeah, trained, that’s the ticket! While the Bikini team works the south and eastern side of France, the Mounted Byzantine Babe Equestrian Team - under the constant supervision of Stuck as a Mac and Whomp - are working the northern side of the island. The taking of lands has become quite easy for Theodora. She is anxious to get her hands on the incense stuff to see what all the buzz is about.

Theodora: General Mayhem, I was so pleased to see your named cleared as a result of the investigation.

General Mayhem: I have always been a firm supporter of yours Theodora.

Theodora: Yeah, you look a little firm right now General. What did you do during the investigation while you were relieved of your duties?

General Mayhem: I spent some time in the French Riviera.

Theodora: Meet any interesting people?

General Mayhem: As a matter of fact I did, there was a Byzantine Babe I met who was also on vacation.

Theodora: And…

General Mayhem: Well, one thing led to another and I said, "Let's go back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No...But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..."

Theodora: Perhaps a little too much information there General. Tell me about Greece.

General Mayhem: It’s a story of a high school heartthrob/big man on campus and a goody-goody girl who spend the summer frolicking on the beach. When school starts our hero, thinking he will never see the girl again, is back to his old tricks, until he finds out she also attends classes there…

Theodora: Not Grease the play nitwit! Greece the country. :rolleyes:

General Mayhem: Yeah, right…the country. Let’s see…the hoplites are brave warriors, despite what their battle attire might suggest. They willingly die in under the advance of our cavalry. The Major can brief you more fully.

Theodora: It’s always good to see you Major Woody, and as usual it is quite clear that you are happy to see me.

Major Woody: :blush: Yes, err… ugh...We followed your instructions and proceeded to razed all the original Greek cities except Athens and Thermopylae. Alex insisted on sending settlers out to found new cities on the ruins and that slowed us down a bit. His troops put up a mild fight, but their moral was low.

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1792_Greeks_almost_dead.JPG

late 1700's Mini, just before we destroy Geece.
http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_MINI_1800.JPG


Theodora: Why is the Greek moral so low?

Major Woody: Well, when Alex would make a speech and say he was behind the troops, people were never really sure if they were to take it literally or figuratively. And those hoplite outfits are freaky weird, like a cross between a ballet dancer and a spearman. Do you fight or pirouette in those things? Beyond that, he never could motivate his men. Besides, I don’t think he ever “got” the army thing. He was always using recruiting slogans such as: “The Army - It's Only 4 Years Out Of The Prime Of Your Life.” And You'll Get To See Places In The World You'd Never Want Visit On Your Own. It never really caught on. BTW, we never did figure out why Alex insisted on protecting Pollution Mountain with so many troops.

Theodora: Did you raze Leo’s per my instructions?

Major Woody: Yes we did. We retained Smiths but razed Leo’s. But the men want to know why we razed Leo’s.

Theodora: I did it… because I can.

General Mayhem & Major Woody: :confused:

Theodora: I had to keep Smiths, it gives me free markets. :D I did it to make Alex cry, and to show Caesar I can win without Leo’s, then perhaps he will succumb to my beautiful wits. And the Greeks, they are no more?

General Mayhem: Yes, Alex is no longer a ruler.

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_Greeks_die.JPG


Theodora: What became of Alex?

Major Woody: Alex cried like a little schoolgirl until we told him you were making him a seamstress at the Byzantine school of design. His tears turned to tears of joy and he hugged me and kissed me. It was a little unnerving, his eyes lit up like he was going to a Cher concert or something. He said to thank you.

Byzantine: :hmm: I wanted to punish Alex for trying to turn Caesar against me, which is why I razed Athens, but perhaps I showed him too much mercy. Then again, Alex is the kind of guy who would fit right in with my lunch buddies. I kinda find it hard to hate the guy. Any word from Caesar?

General Mayhem: Out dromons report the Romans sent a galley out in 1796 that we promptly sank.

Theodora: I knew it, he does care! :love: He’s just playing hard to get.

lol, good update. 'Tis only a matter of time...

nice. I assume the Aztecs are next

good thread. keep up the writing

BTW i thought AWS stood for "Alien Workshop"

good good good, GIVE MORE!

Are you gonna avoid Domination and go for Conquest?

Are you gonna avoid Domination and go for Conquest?

For sure. No 1-tile islands to get in the way. :D

I assume the Aztecs are next
Cleo is next on the hit parade.

There is no teacher but the enemy-Mazer Rackham Ender's Game. In that case let's do what the AI does!!!

Doesn't the quote mean we should learn from what our enemy does? It surely does not imply that one should copy the opponent all the time.

[offtopic] Doesn't the quote mean we should learn from what our enemy does? It surely does not imply that one should copy the opponent all the time. Yes it does-PM to discuss more, since this is [offtopic]

Theodora will ride again by the end of the week. :D

That's enough spamming people. Handy will update when handy is able to.

Chapter 17

With the demise of the Greeks Theodora has no more real rivals to threaten her conquest of the world. Victory is assured, but can she conquer Caesar’s heart? As the 1800’s begin Theodora has instructed her Generals to toy with Cleo like a cat playing with a mouse to fish for leaders in an effort to impress Caesar before they ban Cleo to a monastery for the remainder of her life. That, or Olive Branch, Mississippi.

General Insight: Who’s the guy talking to the Queen with the shaved head, tight black pants, pink shirt, suspenders on backwards and the “I’m a Lover not a Fighter” cap on?

General Mayhem: Ugh…that would be Alex. All Theodora has done over the past four weeks is shop and talk, talk and shop with her…ugh him.

General Insight: Are they engaged?

General Mayhem: Not exactly, he is her Royal Designer. He’s not much of a ladies man if you get my drift.

Theodora: Thank you Alex, that will be all. I’ll see you at fabric store right after the meeting. Hello General, how does the military campaign in Egypt go?

Major Woody: Very well, but your lack of attention to war has shown in our slowed progress.

Theodora: Geez, can’t you guys beat Cleo by herself? She and the other women of her lands are practically begging you to capture them.

Major Woody: Yes, but they are all WA’s. :(

Theodora: WA? :confused: What’s that?

Major Woody: Walk Aways. They don’t look so bad as long as they are Walking Away from you.

Theodora: Men are pigs, except Caesar. He’s a real man. I love the way he lets his toga fall off his shoulder like that. I want to get medieval on him.

Major Woody: Err…Yeah. Anyway, Cleo’s gals are actually kind of growing on the troops. They are like a 24-hour water well.

Theodora: Huh?

Major Woody: Open all night and ready to pump.

Theodora: Well tell the men to get moving, I want to be in Rome with all my armies like right now!

Major Woody: Then you need to get over there and kick some butt. While the troops long for the beautiful Byzantine babes, they have found Cleo’s maidens to be rather…shall we say…dumb and easy? Like bricks and doorknobs.

Theodora: Bricks and doorknobs?

Major Woody: Like bricks because they are flat and easy, like doorknobs since everyone gets a turn.

Theodora: Pigs. Pigs. Pigs. Just be sure you practice safe…

Major Woody: Oh we practice all the time your majesty! :D

Theodora: :rolleyes: So what’s the leader status, you know how Caesar loves the military, I want a slew of armies to surround his island so fears me and he begs for mercy. I want you all on Roman soil yesterday!

General Mayhem: The men are in no hurry to take all the land since they are having such a good time. They know that next up are the Aztecs, and they have heard the Aztec women are so flat chested they get jealous of the wall, and so ugly… well so ugly they defy description.

Theodora: Well you guys better get the troops cracking’ or you’ll be on the chain gang with Joan and Mao! I’m too busy here with the Spring Fashion due out next week. I want you over on Roman soil making Caesar beg for mercy!

Major Woody: :hmm: Beg for mercy? I thought you wanted him to love you.

Theodora: Fear, Love, both 4-letter words, as I have said, making me happy will make Caesar happy. And I’ll be happy when he is begging for mercy in the cute little schoolgirl outfit Alex has designed for him. Ahh…when I think of Caesar poling me in the gondola while he serenades me with Rhinestone Cowboy, my heart goes all a flutter. After all Love means never…how does it go?

Major Woody: Never having to say you’re sorry?

Theodora: No, that’s not it. Something like never wanting or never needing to say you’re sorry because the other person lives to make you happy. It will come to me.

Major Woody: You are certainly a complex individual Theodora. BTW, would you like to see a map of the setup we used to generate leaders?

Theodora: Of Course.

Major Woody: It was hard to get up and running, but once we were in place it worked like a charm. But things have been a little fuzzy lately. The fuzziness began when we captured all that Greek incense…and I’m always hungry lately.

Theodora: Watch that incense Major.

Major Woody: yeah, right. Here is the map.

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_1816_Cleo.JPG

Theodora: Nice map, now get it over with and move those armies over to the Roman island Pronto. Wipe out the Aztecs and call me when you have Caesar surrounded.

Good chapter, Handy, been looking forward to this for a looooong time :goodjob: .

keep up the posting handy!

Yay! I love this thread!

The game's going awesome! Keep it Up :thumbsup:

Handy

Thank you...

Good chapter, Handy, been looking forward to this for a looooong time :goodjob: .
Exactly what I was going to say. W/o the smiley, of course.

Nice story, funny how you use analogies to express inappropriate themes :lol:

Are you going to continue with this? I'd like to see Theodora get what she's been lusting after. Don't make us beg!

I am like always,
Stuck At Work

Chapter 18

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads9/HAWS_Rome_surround.JPG

With 21 armies Theodora easily beats Cleo and orders her sent to a convent.
The orders get relayed poorly and Cleo winds up at a convention.

Caesar is surrounded and is showing no signs of surrendering to Theodora’s wishes.

In a last ditch effort to win Caesar, Theodora calls a diplomatic meeting. Theodora is hot for Caesar. He is so close she can barely contain her excitement. With some trepidation, Caesar agrees to the meeting with Alex acting as the diplomatic peace broker. Caesar mainly shows up because he wants to see those wits again. It’s been thousands of years and he has not seen wits like those Theodora possesses.

Caesar: You called the meeting. What do you want.

Theodora: Well, I was going to give you a head’s up, but I see you’ve already got one. Caesar, you are surrounded, now is the time to accept my terms.

Caesar: Will you spare my people and my life?

Theodora: I could care less about the sheeple, but I do have lots of plans for you…err…us. Give me all your cities and come serve as my little boy toy.

Caesar: Boy Toy?

Theodora: It’s a great deal. Just wear the little outfits Alex makes for you and serve at my pleasure.

Caesar: You mean I have to wear the clothes HE wants me to, and do the things YOU want me to?

Theodora: Like I said, it’s a great deal.

Caesar: Can I keep my beer can collection?

Theodora: It must go, too tacky. I get to pick all the art for the palace.

Caesar: My hunting trophies, the deer heads on the walls and the bear rugs?

Theodora: The deer heads on the wall are going to the annual Sumerian red neck garage sale along with all your hunting and fishing equipment. We’ll be spending our time talking – mostly about me – and shopping at the markets for shoes and purses. You will love the fashion shows, and snooty little restaurants with overpriced food and lousy service.

Caesar: The AC/DC, Van Halen?

Theodora: From now on it’s Kenny G and Michael Bolton for you.

Caesar: My season tickets to the gladiators…

Theodora: No time for that, we’ve got tickets to Broadway. You know I love show tunes.

C: Beer?
T: No
C: Potpourri in the bathroom?
T: Yes
C: Cigars?
T: No
C: Take quizzes from Cosmopolitan with you?
T: Yes
C: Poker?
T: No
C: Do I have to jump through hoops of fire if you cry about something?
T: Yes
C: Golf?
T: No
C: Listen to you drone on about what you did all day?
T: Yes
C: Annual road trip to Vegas with the boys?
T: No
C: NASCAR Chariot races?
T: NO

Caesar: That sounds a little too much like hell on earth to me.

Theodora: You’ll have full access to my wits.

Caesar: :hmm: That is a pretty good offer.

Theodora: Now you’re thinking with the little head men are famous for. As a matter of fact, It looks like you are thinking right now. Men are pigs, but I want you to be my pig.

Caesar: Wits are nice, but I've decided to go down swinging with my boys. I’d rather be stuck on a chain gang with a chick like Cleo who appreciates the finer things in life than be stuck in a palace with the likes of you.

Theodora: But it’s not supposed to end this way. :cry:
Theodora always gets what Theodora wants. I say it, it happens.

Caesar: Not this time.

Theodora: We'll see about that.

To be continued….

Poor Theodora... But Caesar is quite the idiot.

Poor Theodora... But Caesar is quite the idiot.

No kidding. Live and be a toy boy slave or... die and joiin the WHTBDC(WeHateTheByzantineDayCelebrated). :crazyeye:

I've never seen so many armies. I've never had more that 10 at a time.... By the way, DON"T INSULT CLEO

Theodora's showing her sadistic side. Not that she hasn't done that yet :D :queen: :mischief:

The-o-do-ra! The-o-do-ra! The-o-do-ra! :worship: :clap:

Very good. Have you conqured/dominated the world in the screenshot. I only see dark red, or Byzantine territory. How many more chapters will there be? I want to see Ceaser fall in love with Cleo and shun Theodora and her wits.

I only see dark red, or Byzantine territory.
Rome is still standing under Caesar, and it's red--hard to tell from Byz red especially after jpeg conversion. In the last screenshot you can see where it is, and Theo apparently just sacked the other Roman city because Rome still has 8 2-food water tiles to eat from. I'm a little surprised the domination limit isn't reached yet, but I guess Theo isn't into leather and whips.

I'm a little surprised the domination limit isn't reached yet, but I guess Theo isn't into leather and whips.

LOL! :rotfl: I dunno, she just might. :D

What happened to the Aztecs?

I think they were killed, Constantinople backwards.

Edit: You can see on Page 7 on the minimap in the picture. There is no green. They must have been so ugly that all the troops died of shock! :eek:

This must be true since we haven't any clue as to what really happened to them. :hmm:

Handy I just had a wicked case of deja vu' reading the last chapter. :scan:
Thanks for a great story.

Boo! It's been more than 2 weeks. Maybe Theodora's having a little trouble convincing Caesar. :(

Maybe handy's computer broke. Or maybe he lost his save and is too depressed to post.

What happened to the Aztecs

Better question- What happened to this game?

^2nd that. Is Handy even around anymore?

Last we left off…….

Theodora: Caesar, you are surrounded, come out with your pants down.

Caesar: I won’t do it.

Theodora: Okay, but you asked for it…

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads10/HAWS_1832_Rome_captured.JPG

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads10/HAWS_1832_Caesar_new_name_and_we_win.JPG

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads10/HAWS_1832_the_losers.JPG
As Theodora contemplates the fact she has no more worlds to conquer she is comforted by her huge shoe collection and the ever present wonderful set of …well you know. ;)

What happened to the Aztecs

22 armies :lol:

Handy I just had a wicked case of deja vu' reading the last chapter.
Thanks for a great story.
:lol: Been there done that myself.

That was not only an incredible game, but a very funny write-up. You can't find anything like that.

Best. Update. Ever.

"Theadora's Boy Toy..." lol. This game was pure gold, Handy.

I just noticed, only 80 hours with all those dromons :eek: :eek: :eek: !

Fantastic story, Handy!! I look forward to your next! All hail Theodora!

Thanks for the great story Handy!!! You have great wits and the bikini babe trick is a regular staple in my arsenal now. Next time please don't make a woman so powerful. C: Potpourri in the bathroom?
T: Yes
C: Do I have to jump through hoops of fire if you cry about something?
T: Yes
C: NASCAR Chariot races?
T: NO
You forgot getting kicked out of the closet because her clothes need space or my current favorite...new additions to the pad "that granite is soooo...guylike we need new granite". This stuff is way too close to home. :confused: :cry: :lol:

I stood up and took notice when this thread was first erected. I thought, "hey now, there's a fine display of wits being spread in and out of this tale." So many puns, I had a four king laugh at the style being thrust at us by Theodora. Mind you, some of the prose got a bit woody and I could see men possibly getting worked up about the exploits regarding the nubile bikini bathing team. But, Handy really drove home a fantastic tale to us and we all laughed as the AI received the shaft on many occassions.

I know I will look out for more epic and interesting stories like this and cleave to Theodora's witty spread should her scribe tittilate us further with more to hear on her...encounters.

V

I know I will look out for more epic and interesting stories like this and cleave to Theodora's witty spread should her scribe tittilate us further with more to hear on her...encounters.

How about Theodora attempting Beyond Sid :mischeif: ? It's the only variant I can think of harder. OCC AWS is too similar to this game.

This is one of the few stories or SG's that I have read all the way through. Absolutely hilarious and well played to boot. :thumbsup:

Thank you for finishing it. Your story is one of the best. Tough game that you make sound easy and a great write-ups.

The-o-do-ra! The-o-do-ra! The-o-do-ra! :worship: :goodjob:

What took you so long to finish it lol.

What took you so long to finish it lol.


I couldn't decide what to do with Caesar & Theodora near the end. :lol:

Handy, Vanadorn bringing up you writing more things made me think of Theodora attempting Beyond Sid. That's all I've been able to think of lately. Even 7 shield knights are no match for the wits of Theodora, nor the erectional strategies Major Woody can think of while Theodora buys shoes.

I read this story a while ago while being a lurker, so when I got an account I decided I'd actually reply!
Phenomenal story (yes I just did that for the big word), hope you write more, whether about Theodora and her phenomenal wits or not. :goodjob:

Handy, Vanadorn bringing up you writing more things made me think of Theodora attempting Beyond Sid. That's all I've been able to think of lately. Even 7 shield knights are no match for the wits of Theodora, nor the erectional strategies Major Woody can think of while Theodora buys shoes.

Theodora could handle it, but I'm not too sure about my bombard fingers. Firing all those dromons can lead to carpel tunnel, not to mention angry wife syndrome. :lol:

Yeah, I just remembered attempting beyond sid, I quit at turn 20 cause each turn started taking about 5 minutes, and all I was doing was moving workers around. Also, if you could just barely handle 100 dromons and trebs, try 500 cannons!

not to mention angry wife syndrome.

Your sacrifice in your marriage will be remembered for the tale of Theodora.

Laughed my lungs out twice when i read this....

And you can go on! when is the next coming, handy?

Can you tell us how many maps you went through to find this one?

Thrust back to the surface of the S&T forum.

*ducks as tomato flies past*

Can you tell us how many maps you went through to find this one?

Well, since someone :mischief: bumped this back to life I'll go ahead & answer this. I was pretty lucky and this was either the 3rd or 4th map I rolled. Once I saw there were 2 lux and ivory with no AI on the island I was pretty sure I could pull it off.

Excellent story!!!!!!!!

Could you STOP bumping old threads!?

Who cares? This is one of the awesomest games of all time! The-oh-dor-ah! :worship: The-oh-dor-ah! :worship:

Yeah but you don't have to bump them just to get posts. You don't have to post. it is a great story I know but bumping old threads gets annoying.

Unless you are bumping an sg or something.

but the new guys haven't read this yet.

This thread is definitely worth reading.

This :bump: recieves a http://www.21stcenturywarfare.com/images/smilies/icon_score.gif

Gratuitous smilie use.

But apropos. Theodora's Always War Sid Excellent Adventure is one of the all-time best Civilization stories.

Thread closed.

Handy, please PM me to reopen this thread when you're ready for an update.