A drunk man walks into his house with a
duck under his arm. His wife is standing at the top of
the steps grimacing as he enters and he announces, "Hey, take a
look at the pig I have been sleeping with!"
The wife scowls and states," That's a duck you
drunken idiot."
He replies,"I was talking to the duck!"

Pretty good!

What do you tell a girl with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've already told her twice!

Not really jokes here 'Slinger but I thought it related to the workplace.

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets
on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we
had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I
love you, too!"

************************************

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job three years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All
he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bull**** with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore.
You're a United States senator from New York. Act like it!

************************************

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife
looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some
time now.
Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like
that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody
could celebrate that long."

:lol: I love the Dear Abby one, barbslinger :goodjob:!
The performance review ones are good too.

Nice ones. I'll keep these in mind in case someone asks me to tell a joke.

What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What is an actuary?
An accountant without a sense of humor.

Why do some accountants become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.

What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
They invite an accountant.

What's an insolvency practitioner?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

What is a shy and retiring accountant?
An accountant who is a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

How do you drive an accountant insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold a roadmap the wrong way.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

How do you tell if an accountant is an introvert or an extrovert?
An introvert looks at his shoes when he's talking to you. An extrovert looks at your shoes.

What is the difference betwen tax avoidance and tax evasion?
Prison.

There are three types of accountants in the world.
Those who can count and those who can't.

What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

What is the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Why do brides always wear white?
Because it's important for the dishwasher to match the fridge and stove.

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other
>day.
>We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
>together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up
>and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
>"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
>I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She
>giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
>"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband
>that's a few inches wider these days!"
>She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying
>that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
>"Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>...so I told her to go away.

;) :D
Language (removed) - warned

awww. I thought that was going to be a nice happy ever after story until you cussed at her. Is that really how it happened?

It's a joke ffs - i'm 17, not balding, and my waistband is fine :P

ffs? what's that

How do you tell if an accountant is an introvert or an extrovert?
An introvert looks at his shoes when he's talking to you. An extrovert looks at your shoes.


We have that same one about mathematicians... pretty accurate if you ask me.

I am very disapointed: Saw this thread from the CFC index and thought it might be useful in a professional environment :rolleyes:

Here's a pathetic contribution though..

The bad news is, big companies like ours cannot compete with small adaptable ones. The good news is, at this rate, our company will be the smallest one around.

OK this one is a little corny (or hash browned ;) )...

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like

'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Gold's, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her,one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just....

A COMMON TATER

We have that same one about mathematicians... pretty accurate if you ask me.We're not that bad. At least one future mathematician is playing civ...

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/j.pickford2/olosofunny.gif

How do you post a video like that here?

You can post short videos if the video is in a .gif format.

I culled these from Cecil Adam's "Straight Dope" message board, under a
"world's most intellectual jokes" thread.


-------------------------------
Rene Descartes walks into a bar, orders a beer, and drinks it at a gulp.

"Would you like another?" asks the bartender.

Descartes consideres the question. "I think not," he says, and disappears.

----------------------
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: A fish.
------------------------------

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
---
And the monk gets his hot dog and gives the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor just puts it in his pocket, so the monk says, "Hey, where's my
change?"
The hot dog vendor says, "Change comes from within."

-------------------------
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the same side!

--------------------------
Just imagine, for a moment, if there were no hypothetical
situations..................

----------------------------
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can't cross a scalar and a vector.
------------------------
In a mid-size, mid-American city, with a mid-size planning department was a
zoning administrator who held his post for over 30 years. He had a peculiar
morning routine upon his arrival at the office; he would always sit down at
his desk, the stealthily look around the office to see if anyone was looking
(he never noticed, that the whole office did notice this everyday), then,
unlock his top center desk drawer, quickly glance at a 3"x5" card, quickly
put the card back in the drawer, and proceed with his daily tasks. This
morning ritual had gone on for as long as anyone in the office could
remember.

One day, unfortunately, the zoning czar dies. The whole office attends his
funeral, three days later, in the morning. Afterward, they all go out to
lunch together. Upon returning to the office, the staff is all standing by
his old desk, reminiscing about him and his career, when suddenly, they all
thought the same thing simultaneously! One planner said to another, "You get
a screwdriver. I'll get a hammer." So, they proceed to break into the guy's
desk, pull out the 3"x5" card, and then read it aloud to the group: "YELLOW
- Residential, RED - Commercial, BLUE - Manufacturing . . . ."

----------------------------------
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave
birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer
hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was
very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave
birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built
this one a two-story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged
the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally,
one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior
answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is
equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

------------------------------------
A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first
evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that
served Scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the
cab driver, "Do you know where a guy can get Scrod around here?" "Man," said
the cabdriver. "I've heard that question so many times, and asked in so many
different ways but I can tell you I've never heard someone use the past
pluperfect subjunctive!"

------------------------
3 statisticians are out bowhunting. They spot a deer. The first one shoots,
and his arrow lands 3 feet to the right of the deer. The second one shoots,
and his arrow lands 3 feet to the left of the deer. The third one says, "We
got him!"

--------------------------
Three mathematicians are riding on a train through England. They look out
the window and see a black sheep.

"Ah," says the first. "In England, some sheep are black."

"Untrue, my friend," retorts the second. "In England, at least one sheep is
black."

"My imprecise colleagues," says the third, "In England, there exists at
least one sheep that is black on at least one side."

----------------------------
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are challenged to build a pen
enclosing some sheep with the minimum amount of fencing.
The engineer builds a large circular pen and puts the sheep into it.
The physicist creates an infinately large pen, and then gradually decreases
it's circumference until the sheep are tightly enclosed.
The mathematician builds a tiny pen, just big enough for him to stand inside
and announces "I define myself to be on the outside of the pen!"
-----------------------------------
Not as high-brow, but stay with me here...
Q: What do you call an exotic dancer who can go down on herself?

A: A moebius stripper!
--------------------------------
How many Freudian therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to hold the penis ... uh, I mean the
ladder!
-------------------------------
Q. What do I know about French philosophers?

A. Foucault.
------------------------------------
What did Ludwig von Beethoven do after he died?

He decomposed.
------------------------------

A rabbi, a priest, a cowboy, a duck, and a string walk into a bar. The
bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
----------------------------------

:lol: I got most of those except the one about the zoning administrator, and the yellow card.

Hehe...

"How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?"

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Labrador: Oh, me, me!!!!! Please let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Please, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
***************
What is a Cat?
Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every
whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
*****
What is a Dog?
Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the next room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

Good ones. :lol:

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

None, that's what people are for.

Dogs have masters, cats have staff.

A man walks up to a flight attendant and flashes her
she responds:sir I need to see your ticket, not your stub

Lol stickciv that was great! I should tell that sometime.

Ive got some more like:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. <snip> you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
:lol: :lol: :lol: :crazyeye:

Ill add some more to that:

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

It is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, "to think that right here used to be the Twin Towers..."
The son, not understanding, asks his father "What are the Twin Towers?" The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, "The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them."
The son looks up to his father, and asks, "And what are the Arabs?


The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.


LEARN CHINESE

I think you need a facelift

(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat



(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?

(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?



See me A.S.A.P.

Kum Hia Nao



Stupid Man

Dum Gai



Small Horse

Tai Ni Po Ni



Did you go to the beach?

Wai Yu So Tan?



I bumped into a coffee table

Ai Bang Mai Ni



It's very dark in here

Wai So Dim



This is a tow away zone

No Pah King



You are not very bright

Yu So Dum



I got this for free

Ai No Pei



I am not guilty!

Wai Hang Mi?



Please stay a while longer

Wai Go Nao?



They have arrived

Hai Dei Kum.



Stay out of sight

Lei Lo



He's cleaning his automobile

Wa Sing Ka.



Your body odor is offensive

Yu Stin Ki



I thought you were on a diet?

Wai Yu Mun Ching?


A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved,signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had received a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

I love the Wai Hang Mi! :lol:

We're not that bad. At least one future mathematician is playing civ...
make that a current one and a future one

101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

I think the wording isn't quite right, but here it goes:
(don't read if your insulted by blonde jokes)

A blonde has had enough of her life and believes her husband is cheating on her, so she buys a gun.
When she goes home one day she finds her husband in bed with another woman, she puts the gun to her head.
Her husband shouts out in distress "No! Don't do it!"
She replies "Shut up" Your next!"

Another:

A blonde was having a terrible life and decided to hang herself in the park.
2 days later a man is walking his dog and sees her, he asks "What are you doing up there?"
She replies "I'm hanging myself."
Man: "But don't you have to do that around your kneck?"
Blonde: "I tried that but I couldn't breathe"

"Dogs have masters, cats have staff."

So ture.

(((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got
an Uncle - Paul"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right
now"

***Brief Pause***

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the
phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom
door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the
driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit
her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"O my goodness!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all
scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the
swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the
water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I
think he's dead."

***Long Pause***



***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??... Is this 486-5731 ??"

Nice Whomp :D
Burst out laughing at that one..

A kid and his mother are riding in a Delta Airlines plane. "If there are baby cats, baby dogs, and baby cows, then why aren't there any baby planes?", asks the kid to his mother. "I don't know.", replies the mother. "You'll have to ask the flight attendants."

So the kid steps out of his seating row and queries the nearest flight attendant.

The flight attendant replies, with a smile on her face, "That's because here at Delta, we make sure that we pull out on time."

What are Adam and eve doing in a cave?

Sleeping