View Full Version : Why fat women should not wear thongs.


The Last Conformist
Jun 21, 2005, 05:49 PM
The most bizarre story I've seen in a while:

HUBBY DIES AFTER SEEING FAT WIFE IN THONG UNDIES


By NED NEARSON

SUPER-SIZE ugly duckling Sarah Martin "stopped her husband's heart and killed him dead" when she surprised him in a pair of skimpy thong undies, say cops.

"The sight of the blubbery babe with her bulging buttocks and cottage cheese thighs was so overwhelmingly horrible -- his heart literally exploded," says a coroner source.

Now, the 38-year-old, 330-lb. woman is being held without bond on suspicion of murder in the L.A. County Jail.

"Don't tell me she didn't realize what a repulsive and terrifying sight she was," says Detective Robert Cannon. "And she knew that her husband Marcus suffered from a heart condition.

"As far as I'm concerned, this was a cleverly planned, premeditated murder."

Cannon says Marcus' corpse had a look of terror frozen on its face.

"She might just as well have shot him -- the spectacle was that devastating," Cannon told reporters in Los Angeles.

"When we arrived at the scene after she called 911, the victim was flat on his back on the floor in their living room with his eyes bugged out like golf balls.

"Clearly he had seen something that no man was meant to see.

"And when we heard his wife sobbing in the kitchen and walked in to investigate, we knew what that 'something' was. Good God -- I thought my wife's sister was bad.

"I just about lost my lunch when I saw that blubbery butt and cottage cheese thighs.

"I said, 'Ma'am, I know this is a difficult time for you, but I've got to ask you to put on some clothes.' She waddled into her bedroom and covered herself up with a terry cloth bathrobe.

"She said, 'I wanted to do something special for our eighth wedding anniversary. I wanted to be sexy for him in my new thong.' "

A coroner confirmed that Marcus, 33, who had a history of heart disease, "suffered cardiac arrest resulting from the visual shock of seeing his wife in thong panties."

Sarah Martin, who doesn't have a tooth in her head, admits that she "may have come on a little strong" by bouncing out of their bedroom dressed in the panties and one of his white, button- down shirts, when he walked in the door after work.

"We haven't had sex since I gained all that weight after our wedding night," she sobbed to a detective. "I wanted to make him happy."

Friends of the dead man say sex with his wife was the last thing Martin had on his mind.

"He told me that she was pretty hot before they got married," says one pal who asked that his name not be used. "But once she got a ring on her finger, all she wanted to do was stuff her face.

"Not only did she pork up like a hippo, all of her teeth fell out. She's got one of those mustaches that middle-aged women in their 40s get, too -- and she's only 29."

Sarah, who insists the death was an accident, says she video-taped her "surprise" so she and her hubby could relive the magical moment. But cops believe she knew what she was doing and call it "a calculated, coldblooded killing."

Linky (http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/chamber/61589)

Yom
Jun 21, 2005, 05:52 PM
It's not that bizzare, given the source. This is from the people that brought you bat boy. Nothing to see here, people. Move along. ;)

Bluemofia
Jun 21, 2005, 05:56 PM
Odd. Looks can kill after all.

SeleucusNicator
Jun 21, 2005, 06:01 PM
Hush. It's funnier when the foreigners don't know about the WWN. ;)

Anyway, you'd think that, by that time, having lived with her for so long, he'd be a bit de-sensivized to the more visually disturbing aspects of his wife's fatness, no?

A'AbarachAmadan
Jun 21, 2005, 06:04 PM
Odd. Looks can kill after all.

Now that's a good one! :rotfl:

Elrohir
Jun 21, 2005, 06:06 PM
It's obviously fake.

That said, it's as funny as heck. :lol:

stormbind
Jun 21, 2005, 06:06 PM
Every aspect of this story is just inconceivable :eek:

SeleucusNicator
Jun 21, 2005, 06:09 PM
It reminds me of the time that The Onion ran an article about Congress threatening to move out of Washington DC unless a new capitol building was built, with modern features, ridiculous technological gimmicks, etc.

To an American audience, it was a clear parody of baseball teams that threaten to move unless the local government builds them a new stadium, but China actually took the story seriously and the state-run newspaper in China actually quoted the story as an example of American corruption and decadence.

The Last Conformist
Jun 21, 2005, 06:18 PM
It's obviously fake.

That said, it's as funny as heck. :lol:
That's why I posted it.

kittenOFchaos
Jun 21, 2005, 06:47 PM
I've dated worse :p

CivGeneral
Jun 21, 2005, 07:21 PM
I bet the guy had a heart attack after seeing a fat woman in thongs and said "OH MY GOD!!! MY EYES!!!!"

blackheart
Jun 21, 2005, 07:36 PM
Didn't WWN have its own show at some point?

sourboy
Jun 21, 2005, 07:55 PM
Shouldn't this be in the humor forum?

Capulet
Jun 21, 2005, 07:55 PM
Shouldn't this thread be moved to the Humor and Jokes section?

CivGeneral
Jun 21, 2005, 07:56 PM
Shouldn't this thread be moved to the Humor and Jokes section?
I am not sure if this belongs here or in humor ;).

WS78
Jun 21, 2005, 10:59 PM
Hum, maybe the guy who wrote this, shouldn't have used two differing ages of the fat woman. That would at least give it some (if not much) credibility.

Mise
Jun 22, 2005, 07:26 AM
Hum, maybe the guy who wrote this, shouldn't have used two differing ages of the fat woman. That would at least give it some (if not much) credibility.
Maybe when she was born, she was so fat that she had her official age raised 9 years.

The Last Conformist
Jun 22, 2005, 07:29 AM
Maybe when she was born, she was so fat that she had her official age raised 9 years.
You mean she was not merely born married, but was "hot" as a foetus?

Rambuchan
Jun 22, 2005, 08:03 AM
Odd. Looks can kill after all.Sounds like this gal's got the potential to be a prolific serial killer! :eek:

nonconformist
Jun 22, 2005, 10:32 AM
Oh, I found a picture which would be appropriate here (but which I might be murdered for)..

Duke of Marlbrough
Jun 22, 2005, 11:36 AM
Fake stories belong in H&J if anywhere. Moved.

Rambuchan
Jun 22, 2005, 11:50 AM
The woman in this article sounds like Yo Mama.




(That wasn't directed at anyone in particular)

King Alexander
Jul 16, 2005, 01:31 PM
Clearly he had seen something that no man was meant to see.

Poor guy!!!

Friends of the dead man say sex with his wife was the last thing Martin had on his mind.

Only Martin knew what his soul had suffered...

So, this story is fake? I was a bit suprised the police detectives spoke like that :lol:

As far as I'm concerned, this was a cleverly planned, premeditated murder.


"She might just as well have shot him -- the spectacle was that devastating," Cannon told reporters in Los Angeles.

Rambuchan
Jul 16, 2005, 01:37 PM
Oh, I found a picture which would be appropriate here (but which I might be murdered for)..Why don't you try us?

nonconformist
Jul 16, 2005, 02:09 PM
Why don't you try us?
It's all yours.

removed

Rambuchan
Jul 16, 2005, 02:13 PM
Right I'm phoning the lynch mob now. What's your location?

nonconformist
Jul 16, 2005, 02:16 PM
The White House, Washington.

Rambuchan
Jul 16, 2005, 02:39 PM
The White House, Washington.brt.......

Bluemofia
Jul 16, 2005, 03:30 PM
Noncon, the second time you did this...

Why must you do this to us!?!?!?!

:cry:

Mise
Jul 16, 2005, 03:34 PM
It's all yours. :shakehead you and your photos...

nonconformist
Jul 16, 2005, 04:34 PM
:shakehead you and your photos...
Jealous, are we?

Bluemofia
Jul 16, 2005, 04:46 PM
:vomit:

I probably shoulden't ask this, but why do you have these pictures?

nonconformist
Jul 16, 2005, 04:58 PM
:vomit:

I probably shoulden't ask this, but why do you have these pictures?

I mentally photograph every hilarious/distubing pic I come across.

Mise
Jul 16, 2005, 05:05 PM
I'm just glad she wasn't naked.

nonconformist
Jul 16, 2005, 05:08 PM
I'm just glad she wasn't naked.
I think she is.

Rambuchan
Jul 16, 2005, 05:19 PM
Re: her nudity - We shall never know. She may never know.

Also - is she sitting on her hair or is that a person underneath her?

ainwood
Jul 16, 2005, 05:23 PM
nonconformist - picture outside of any rules.

noncomformist, rambuchan, mise, bluemofia - no need to spam.