I like Monkeys

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

wooee...I'm pretty high :sniper: :ripper:

What the hell are you on??? :confused: Should this be in the Humor and Jokes Forum??? Or am I missing somehting? Alright, hehem. 200 monkeys??? I am sure you are lying, are on opium, or just plain psyco.

:lol: If it was a joke then it was hilarious!

I'm not sure if there's some hidden analogy in there but something in that story really struck me. Funny ;)

- Maj

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol: I like jokes. A lot of mine are only a little funny. Some of mine are as dead as your 200 monkeys.

LSHIAPOMK

:lol:

This story strikes me as a weird coincidence, considering my signature.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Maybe you should have tried the supermarket or resturant, 197 pre-heated monkey as a 'special delicacy'.

wooee...I'm pretty high

No one can despute that!

Incidentally, you happen to be a fan of Hanuman or the Monkey King?

hehehehhehe, i haven't laughed in ages like that.

:lol::lol:
Wow, that is a story. I don't know whether to move this to Humor & Jokes or leave it here for everyone to enjoy! I guess I will leave it here for now.
:lol::lol:

Thats one of the funniest stories I have ever read!:goodjob::lol::lol:

hey, thanks for the feedback...i was pretty bored when writing this...u can tell.

Give us more ... but be careful. Anything less than the monkey story and you'll be labeled a one-hit wonder!

moved to humor and jokes

Very funny story :lol:

Queston though; why moving a two year old thread? :confused:

moved to humor and jokes

:lol: I didn't notice it the first time but you just bumped a two year old thread to move it to another forum...

odd... just odd

:rotfl::rotfl:

While moving a 2 year old thread seems a bit strange, the story is even stranger! :lol:
I don't even make up such stories when I'm really drunk. ;)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :crazyeye: :crazyeye: :eek: :crazyeye: :lol: :goodjob:

:lol: That is a very odd and strange story

That was....scary...very...scary...

Incredible. I laughed out aloud reading this, and two of my classmates wondered what this was, and they found it hilarious, too.
:lol::rotfl:
:rotfl::lol:

Seen it before :sad:

that was funny AND wierd :p :lol: :lol: :crazyeye:

Yer that was pretty good.

where all these old threads?

i can only see the 1st page in the humor section
theres no "page 1 of 1 l 2 l 3 l 4 l 5 l 6 l 7 l" at the bottom of the page?

:rotfl: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha :rotfl: sounds like something I would do

where all these old threads?

i can only see the 1st page in the humor section
theres no "page 1 of 1 l 2 l 3 l 4 l 5 l 6 l 7 l" at the bottom of the page?
Try the Google Search forum thing at the top. It goes through the archive, which lets you find old threads.

Hmmph......Normally I would start yelling at all you people for bumping this thread, but it is really funny, so you get off for now. :thumbsup:

moved to humor and jokes
Question though; why moving a two year old thread? :confused:
That is what moderators do in their spare time! :lol:

I am actually a moderator on another site and I kinda do this too once in while, or when I am bored. But hey, that is on that site, so I can still spam here! :D

Try the Google Search forum thing at the top. It goes through the archive, which lets you find old threads.

thanks doc

but the way, hilarious story

very steven wright-ish ;)

ROFL.... :lol: :D :goodjob:

I cant get over this it is soooo cool

A great funny part of CFC history. The chimp rampage news reminded me of it.

I like monkeys to

tell me why... I don't like monkeys
tell me why I don't like... monkeys...
I wanna shoo-oo-oo-oot the whole thing down!

Wow... Necromancy of the darkest type... This thread is 7 years old... that's older than some of our younger members ;)

http://i58.photobucket.com/albums/g274/Marneus767/LOLWUT5.jpg

That was brilliant. Five stars out of five.

Wow... Necromancy of the darkest type... This thread is 7 years old... that's older than some of our younger members ;)
That's me!!!

Great story :)

this is hilarious!

@Firestorm:
What is that thing? I've seen it before but have no idea what it is.
As for Lefty, that's a 4 year bump, man!
Please don't kill me.

Absolutely hilarious though.

@Firestorm:
What is that thing? I've seen it before but have no idea what it is.
As for Lefty, that's a 4 year bump, man!
Please don't kill me.

Absolutely hilarious though.
I just googled lolwut, I thought it made as much sense as this story.:lol:

I love the fact that Lefty, a mod, has necroed this thread not once, but twice. I'm glad though, it's funny.

Seen it before :sad:

Seen it before :sad:
Twice even.

Did he ever figure out what was wrong with the monkeys?

Did he ever figure out what was wrong with the monkeys?

Yes, they happened to show symptoms of being dead, so we can assume the he knew they were dead.

Maybe it was the jumping repeatdely into the walls that killed them?

Maybe it was the jumping repeatdely into the walls that killed them?
Or maybe they had Ebola? That would explain why the OP doesn't post anymore.

i cheer for the decision to make this sticky.

So we like monkey stories do we? Ok...

How the Stock Market Works

A few years ago Larry approached his Guadalajara neighbours and announced that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The neighbours, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. Larry bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the neighbours stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of his neighbours and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! Larry now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go in town on some business, Darren, his son, would buy on his behalf.

In the absence of Larry, Darren told the neighbours: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my dad has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when Dad returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw Larry or Darren again, only lots and lots of monkeys! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Wanna buy a monkey?

[Note: not my story]

Yeah, then I can do the same to the next village!

respect for the sticky

Applause for the sticky! I'm so glad to see this story again! :D

This story strikes me as a weird coincidence, considering my signature.

What was your signature way back then?

Another monkey story

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result, and all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon the monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.


Anyone got any more monkey stories?

Another monkey story

Anyone got any more monkey stories?

I don't, at the moment, but I wholeheartedly applaud the decision to make this thread a sticky. Was it done after its last resurrection in February?

Why am I alone in thinking that monkey story sucked?

Another monkey story

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result, and all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon the monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.


Anyone got any more monkey stories?

That's also how traditions get started. :lol:

Why am I alone in thinking that monkey story sucked?

I agree! There are more notable entries that are better than this drivel. Please let it die.

So again, how could this become a sticky? Funny, but not in such a degree that it is worth to get a permanent place on the top of the H&J board. Maybe I'm just jealous, albeit being also confused about it. :confused:

So again, how could this become a sticky? Funny, but not in such a degree that it is worth to get a permanent place on the top of the H&J board. Maybe I'm just jealous, albeit being also confused about it. :confused:
I agree with you. It's funny, but more in a; "where the hell did that come from" way than a; "what a really funny story" way. But Lefty appears to have some sort of unhealthy, possibly sexual attraction to it, so :dunno:.

I agree with you. It's funny, but more in a; "where the hell did that come from" way than a; "what a really funny story" way. But Lefty appears to have some sort of unhealthy, possibly sexual attraction to it, so :dunno:.
Edit it, dude, just edit it! :shake:

So again, how could this become a sticky? Funny, but not in such a degree that it is worth to get a permanent place on the top of the H&J board. Maybe I'm just jealous, albeit being also confused about it. :confused:
I agree. It's worth a chuckle, but it doesn't deserve a sticky.

I think it was very boring and nonsensical. Not funny, don't know why it was stickied...

BTW Huayna, why did you delete my qoute from your sig? I just noticed it and now I'm kinda saddened by it...:sad:
Oh, and I think if this story deserves to be stickied, then at least every second or so post of mine has the same right.
spam 1 point

Quote sigs must be refreshed and remade, for like time they cannot stand still.
spam 1 point

"And who doesn't like rabbi meat?" instead of the classic:
"If life gives you lemons, trade them for crack!"
Are you serious? :dubious:
spam 1 point

"And who doesn't like rabbi meat?" instead of the classic:
"If life gives you lemons, trade them for crack!"
Are you serious? :dubious:
"Rabbi meat" needs sigging more because it's a typo, not a phrase that will easily still be being use in the forums five years from now. Hell, I've already used it once in RL. And he appears to have changed it back anyway.
spam 1 point

Wise decision indeed, Huayna!
And I'm happy that people begin to bring my posted crap from here into their real lifes.
Thank you guys, that means a lot for me! ;)
spam 1 point, if you guys want to chat about your signatures, use PMs or a chat room
rolling back one of eastsidebagel's 3 points, 2 points is enough for this threadjack

Is it safe to post here again? :scared:

Anyway, something I found in the Internet:

A baby monkey tried to climb the top of a palm- tree, but when it was half- way up, it slipped and fell to the ground. A party of tourists happened to be standing under the palm-tree and they laughed at the monkey’s misadventure. The tiny animal, however, did not accept the defeat, but with a stubborn look on its face, and more determination than is usual in such a creature, it almost threw itself at the tree, and with desperate movements scrambled up again as fast as it could, angrily waving its tail.
It reached the half- way mark and without pause it went higher and higher. At last it got to the top, and with a triumphant shriek seized a coconut and threw it down. It didn’t hit anyone but the tourists standing near the tree immediately scattered with cries of anger and fear. However, those who were further away clapped and applauded the agile and revengeful little animal.

Funny? Not in the least! But when you imagine that you were being the monkey, this story works sometimes as good as a couple of "Courage Wolves", I think.

I'm... something.... just don't know the words

Can I have some of what you're on?

Can I have some of what you're on?
I'm not sure you want it, it sounds like it would be pretty hardcore stuff.
Like this:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLcdIRWbGXs



spam 1 point

What does this mean?

What does this mean?
If you don't want to get banned from here for at least a week, adher to the linked forum rules and try to contribute something to the discussions going on in this forum, instead of spamming like I did, or being rude or hurtful to others. For every misfit you commit you're getting points and when you've accumulated more than seven, you're automatically restrained to post here anything. Lurking's still OK though, and you still are able to send PM's, but actually participating here by your contributions is not possible by then. For every thing you do against the stated rules, you're getting proportionally more or less points, according to the severeness of your offense. Basically, the mods are your new gods and you have the right to remain silent. ;)

What does this mean?"Spam" in this context, means deviating too much from the subject of the thread, or too many posts empty of new relevant content.
It is a meaning, so far as I know, peculiar to several Civilization related sites, and a poor use of a word meaning more commonly meaning unwanted disallowed advertising, but there it is, outside my authority to change it.

Is it really related to Civ sites? i could have sworn having seen it used in other places, and even in speech for the same thing.

I do not get around much anymore ;) at least not to many non Civ related forums. So my experience of that usage being limited to Civ related sites could be do to small sample size.

Spam e-mail is e-mail without a relevant subject; so it fits the definition

"Spam" in this context, means deviating too much from the subject of the thread, or too many posts empty of new relevant content.
It is a meaning, so far as I know, peculiar to several Civilization related sites, and a poor use of a word meaning more commonly meaning unwanted disallowed advertising, but there it is, outside my authority to change it.

I know what spam means, but the "1 point" mystified me. I've been on forums before (for PSO). Actually, the meaning of spam is universal on the interweb:http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=spam

Stupid
Pointless
Annoying
Messages
That is not what it actgually stands for.
(although i believe the name has to do with Spam-a-Lot).

I also just noticed this was unstickied. Why?

Not enough people seem to think that it's worth the pin. A shame; I think we need a campaign group/revolution to see it put back

Not enough people seem to think that it's worth the pin. A shame; I think we need a campaign group/revolution to see it put back
but eastsidebagel doesn't want it and eastsidebagel is always right.:p

Oh yeah, so I don't get struck down by the gods of :nospam: I think that it was good, but not good enough for a sticky.

I shudder to think what would happen if eastsidebagel didn't have his way; we'd all be jumped by bagels.. from the east side.

but eastsidebagel doesn't want it and eastsidebagel is always right.:p

Oh yeah, so I don't get struck down by the gods of :nospam: I think that it was good, but not good enough for a sticky.
I agree with this, except for the part about ESB.

I agree with this, except for the part about ESB.
It was sarcastic, though.

Perhaps you should add a sarcasm smilie? Like so: :sarcasm:

Perhaps you should add a sarcasm smilie? Like so: :sarcasm:
I figured that :p would be enough and the fact that I'm saying ESB is RIGHT:lol:

What happened to the sticky?
Edit: On a slightly more epic note, this was my 300th post! [party]Haza![party]

What happened to the sticky?

it wasn't that funny?

It's probably worth the sticky just so everyone who enters the forum will think "What the $@!*?" and read it and so they will feel better.

The next post better be something funny about monkeys.

Monkey see,
monkey do,
monkey throw his poo at you!

http://hilariousmonkeys.blogspot.com/

You can feed your sick monkey addiction here.

The next post better be something funny about monkeys.
Since this a monkey-only thread, here you go:

http://i41.tinypic.com/2nr0ys3.jpg

Everytime I see this one, it reminds me a bit of how Kim Jong-Il looks.

If it were Kim Jong-Il, it'd be in its underwear hooked to an IV.

but eastsidebagel doesn't want it and eastsidebagel is always right.:p

I agree with this, except for the part about ESB.
Why not, young friend?

http://i41.tinypic.com/vuu4g.jpg

A monk is coming home and encounters a man on his hands and knees looking on the ground, so the monk asks him what he is doing.

The man replies, "I lost my key and I am searching for it."

The monk gets down and helps the man search, and asks, "So, where exactly did you lose your key?"

"Oh, right around the corner over there."

"Well, why are you looking for it here?"

"The light's better over here."

Oh God... the sense of humor among monkey addicts is unbelieveable

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."