A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whisper's as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 15?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused, the words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'."

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today".

The Top 15 TopFive.com Predictions for 2002


15> On Fox TV's "COPS," a handcuffed, drunken Osama bin Laden is dragged from a Pakistani trailer home in his underwear.

14> After its hostile takeovers of Microsoft, AT&T, and AOL/Time Warner, TopFive.com becomes the world's most feared corporation.

13> Gary Condit wins re-election after all his opponents magically disappear on their way home.

12> Britney's nipple appears, see its own shadow, and hides again until 2003.

11> Someone in your neighborhood will actually buy one of those newfangled Segway scooters. This person will not have sex. Ever.

10> Despite controversial finish, Taliban bobsled team takes the Olympic bronze medal.

9> Out of touch with the public, Mariah Carey absolutely, unequivocally refuses to go away.

8> Jim Carrey, snubbed yet again by the Oscars, goes on a mad
shooting spree -- which critics dismiss as "insipid, rubber-faced antics."

7> TopFive on Ice!

6> Miss Cleo is called in after the Secret Service forgets where they put Dick Cheney.

5> Richard Simmons finally returns to his home planet.

4> George W. Bush loses Hawaii in a crooked poker game, but
Tom Bosley wins it back for him.

3> Al Gore? Still not President.

2> "Star Wars, Episode II: Jar-Jar's Gory Demise" shatters box
office records.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 TopFive.com Prediction for 2002...

1> Inspired by the example of Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton begins using the prestige of his former office to bring about international understanding and cooperation, starting with the topless beaches of the French Riviera.

If you believe the scientists at Britain's Laugh Lab, the following joke is number one--according to more than 100,000 people from around the world who visited the site and rated jokes:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.

"Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies, "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"

This joke, on the other hand, was rated "fowl":

Q. Why are chickens considered good employees?

A. Because they work around the cluck.

Here are some funny translations for you:

http://www.angelfire.com/scifi/translation/fun.htm

:rotfl: :rotfl:
Cant...type...dying .... of ....laughter....:lol: :lol: :lol:

know what blondes and pirates have in common?

they both have black patches :D

On the Sherlock one: Some people put ROTFLMAO when they think something is really funny, but they didn't actually roll on the floor.



I did. :lol:

I thought this was the funniest joke ever:

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!


(Opening Scene: A suburban house in a boring looking street. Zoom into upstairs window. Serious documentary music. Interior of small room. A bent figure (Michael Palin) huddles over a table, writing. He is surrounded by bits of paper. The camera is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.)

Voice Over: This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In a few moments, he win have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die ... laughing.

(Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.)

Voice Over: It was obvious that this joke was lethal... no one could read it and live ...

(Ernest's mother (Eric Idle in drag) enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices the piece of paper in his hand and picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and fa11s down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.)

Commentator: This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden ...violent ... comedy. Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.

Inspector: I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.

(About now an upstairs window in the house is fiung open and a doctor, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector look up and then continue as if they are used to such sights.)

Inspector: I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division ... (Inspector points to a grouo of dour looking policemen standing nearby) The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke. He gives a signal. The group of policemen start groaning and chanting biblical laments. The Dead March is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.

Commentator: There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in police history.

(The inspector suddenly appears at the door, helpless with laughter, holding the joke aloft. He collapses and dies. Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.)

Voice Over: It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke was hurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.

(Cut to door at Ham House: Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider hurries in carrying armoured box. (Notice on door: 'Conference. No Admittance'.) Dispatch nider rushes in. A door opens for him and closes behind him. We hear a mighty roar of laughter... . series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.)

(Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain. Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass peering anxiously out.)

Voice Over: Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.

(Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox. Camera zooms through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain. He is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Terry Jones) looking cold and miserable. Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth. Cut in to corporal's face- registening complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidily. Man on top of pillbox waves flag. The soldiers reveal the joke to the corporal. He peers at it, thinks about its meaning, sniggers, and dies. Two watching generals are very impressed.)

Generals: Fantastic.

Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.

Colonel: All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital. But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.

(Cut to a trench in the Ardennes. Members of the joke brigade are crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.)

Voice Over: So, on July 8th, I944, the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes...

Commanding NCO: Tell the ... joke.

Joke Brigade: (together) Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

(Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then a group of Germans rear up in hysterics.)

Voice Over: It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke ...Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing the 'Peace in our time' bit of paper ... and one which Hider just couldn't match.

Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed.
SUBTITLE: 'MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE'
A young soldier responds:
SUBTITLE: HOW DOES HE SMELL?
Hitler speaks:
SUBTITLE: AWFUL'

Voice Over: In action it was deadly.

(Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest. Suddenly one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a tree he reads out joke.)

Corporal: Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

(Sniper falls laughing out of tree.)

Joke Brigade: (charging) Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

(They chant the joke. Germans are put to fight laughing, some dropping to ground.)

Voice Over: The German casualties were appalling.

(Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing hysterically. Cut to Nazi interrogation room. An officer from the joke bngade has a light shining in his face. A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; another stands behind him.)

Nazi: Vott is the big joke?

Officer: I can only give you name, rank, and why did the chicken cross the road?

Nazi: That's not funny! (slaps him) I vant to know the joke.

Officer: All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?

Nazi: (momentarily fooled) I don't know ... how do you make a Nazi cross?

Officer: Tread on his corns. (does so; the Nazi hops in pain)

Nazi: Gott in Hiramell That's not funny! (mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his hands to provide the sound effct) Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.

Officer: I can stand physical pain, you know.

Nazi: Ah ... you're no fun. All right, Otto.

(Otto starts tickling the officer who starts laughing,)

Officer: Oh no - anything but that please no, all fight I'll tell you.

(They stop tickling him)

Nazi: Quick Otto. The typewriter.

(Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expeaantly. The officer produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.)

Officer: Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

(Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.)

Nazi: Ach! Zat iss not funny!

(Nazi burts into laughter and dies. A German guard bursts in with machine gun, The British officer leaps on the table.)

Officer: (lightning speed) Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

(The guard reels back and collapses laughing. British officer makes his escape. Cut to a film of German scientists working in laboratories.)

Voice Over: But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44, the Germans were working on a joke of their own.

(A German general is seated at an imposing desk. Behind him stands Otto, labelled 'A Different Gestapo Officer'. Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.)

German Joker: Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel uber und der bitte schon ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.

He finishes and looks hopeful.

Otto: We let you know.

(He shoots him. Film of German sdentists.)

Voice Over: But by December their joke was ready, and Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke to be broadcast in English.

(Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening to it.)

Radio: (crackly German voice) Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.

(Radio bunts into 'Deutschland Uber Alles'. The couple look at each other and then in blank amazement at the radio. Cut to modern BBC 2 interview. The commentator in a woodland glade.)

Commentator (Eric Idle): In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.

(He walks away revealing a monument on which is written: 'To the unknown Joke'. Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting. Patriotic music reaches crescendo.)

what does "Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput." mean?

Originally posted by .:KNAS:.
what does "Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput." mean?

I don't know German, but I remember someone who does telling me that it is mostly gibberish with a few real German words thrown in, and that it doesn't mean anything.

.:KNAS:., if I were to tell you what it means in English, I'd die at my keyboard.

Well, here's what the Altavista trasnlator has to say:

If is the now stucco goes and more slotermayer? Yes! Bavarian dog that or more flipperwaldt gespuhrt!

Since we're all still alive, slotermayer, flipperwaldt, and gespuhrt must be the essential words that make the entire joke make sense.

Well it is from monty, so it means nothing, but I can translate it for you:

If is now the stucco :lol: goes :rotfl: and more <head hits keyboard> .XDÖ ZYOÖR bvc......................



Ziz iz ze Polize! Zat was not Funny! Jawoll! Venn ve have take body avay, ve will tell you dzoke so you dead too!

This one I got, from all places, the Scottish Parliament. However, I should probably adapt it for international use.

What's the difference between George Bush and a Car Battery?


A Car Battery has a positive side! :lol:

(others) :(

Well, I thought it was funny...:cry:

A man lives in San Diego. One day he hears a voice in his head

[Voice] Sell your house, sell your car, go to Vegas!

The man ignores the voice, but the next day it's there again

Voice] Sell your house, sell your car, go to Vegas!

The man still ignores it, but becomes curious. The next day the voice is there again

Voice] Sell your house, sell your car, go to Vegas!

This time the man decides to do as the voice suggests. He sells his car, sells his house, and gets on a plane to vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice tells him

[Voice] Go to Ceasars Palace

The man does so

[Voice] Go to the roulette table

The man does so

[Voice] Bet all your money on red 22

The man does so. When the wheel stops turning the ball stops on black 5

[Voice] Sh!t

I heard that one before, but it's no less funny :lol: :lol:

While not really a joke, it would make a good sign:

"Honk if you like Britney Spears (or other carp singer)" When someone Honks, turn sign around to reveal the rest of the message:

"Please drive into the nearest tree you can find"

Why did the chicken cross the road?






Well, actually, it wasn't really a road. It was just the driveway at the chicken farm and the chicken was just walking around!

Two men were out golfing. They were having a good day, and were really moving along the course. On the 12th hole, they see they are going to run into a couple of women.

These women were clearly terrible golfers. They were chipping their balls along, maybe 10 - 50 yards per shot. The two men were kind of irritated about having to follow such duffers, so one turns to the other and says, "Mike, why don't you go up there and ask them if we can play through."

Mike says sure, and starts down the fairway to speak to the women. Halfway there, he stops, and turns back.

"Mike! Why didn't you ask them if we could play through?"

"I couldn't. I got partway there, and I realized one was my wife, and the other one was my mistress!"

The other golfer chuckled. "OK, I'll go ask if we can play through."

So he goes down the fairway, gets about halfway to the women, stops, and hurries back.

"All right, why didn't YOU ask them?"

He hems and haws for a minute, turning a bright cherry red, and says sheepishly, "small world, isn't it."

A Sunday school teacher was talking with her students about the birth of Jesus. She asked little Scott, "Who decreed that all the world should be taxed?"

Little Scott answered, "The Democrats?"



*rimshot* :cooool:

Originally posted by Padma
He hems and haws for a minute, turning a bright cherry red, and says sheepishly, "small world, isn't it."


:lol: :lol: :lol:

Great joke! :goodjob:

Originally posted by Becka
A Sunday school teacher was talking with her students about the birth of Jesus. She asked little Scott, "Who decreed that all the world should be taxed?"

Little Scott answered, "The Democrats?"



*rimshot* :cooool:

:rotfl: :lol: :lol: :goodjob:

"small world, isn't it."

:lol:

Originally posted by Zarn


:rotfl: :lol: :lol: :goodjob:

I'm glad someone liked that joke. :love: I think the last time I posted it at a forum, some girl said, "D*** politics. :( "

I don't know why she was in such a huff. :D





Another joke (it took me a LONG time to get it...)


There were three Indian squaws, one stitting on an elk hide, on on a deer hide, and one on a hippopotamus hide. The two squaws on the elk and deer hides had one papoose each, while the squaw on the hippopotamus hide had two papooses.

Moral: The squaw of the hippopotamus equals the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

:rolleyes:

I'm giving that to my math teacher :D

Maths teachers do not have sense of humours...If they do then they are an imposter...

Joke about third world I heard on television tonight:

The amount of money we spent on food per week is enough to feed an African for a year. Hell, we're paying too much for our groceries!

If you don't like the joke or in general you don't like jokes on the third world, my apologies.;)

know why superman didn't save J.F.K. Jr. when his plane crashed?







because he is in a wheelchair

Originally posted by andyo
know why superman didn't save J.F.K. Jr. when his plane crashed?
because he is in a wheelchair

Not funny...

:p :lol:

ok - how about this one -

know the easiest way to get a nun pregnant?


dress her up like an alter boy :D

My kind of humor andyo! :D

i still like my first one the best, that no one seems to appreciate

Originally posted by andyo
know what blondes and pirates have in common?

they both have black patches :D

or how about this one -

whats the smartest thing to ever come out a woman's mouth?




albert einstein's member





:D

hello? is this thing on?
i'm here all night - don't forget to try the veal

Ba DUM DUM *rimshot* :cooool:

;)

Originally posted by andyo
ok - how about this one -

know the easiest way to get a nun pregnant?


dress her up like an alter boy :D

That's uncalled for!:mad:

Originally posted by Zarn


That's uncalled for!:mad:

zarn - i'm a catholic republican from nj too - hell i named my puppy reagan after the best president ever - just a joke :D

ok - don't like that one - how about this one -

know why divorces are so expensive?

because they are worth it! :D

but seriously - i'm not married yet - i figure why rush into the first marriage, when my second wife isn't even born yet

hi-yo - don't forget to tip your waitresses - you've been a great crowd

ok - one more-

know why mike tyson crys after sex?

pepper spray will do that to you

tough crowd here today :-(
Tougher than you might suspect. [plasma] ;)

This is of topic but I was born in New York not New Jersey. Just saying. No offense but I don't liked to be called a Jersian. Anyway religous jokes just get to me, exspecially ones on my faith.

Originally posted by andyo
know why divorces are so expensive?

because they are worth it! :D

but seriously - i'm not married yet - i figure why rush into the first marriage, when my second wife isn't even born yet

:lol: Where do you get all of these?

(boooooo hisssssss :-P )

boo, hiss, indeed!

Oh dear the jokes just get worse and worse...The only funny part was the boooo hisssss part...:p

Originally posted by andyo

(boooooo hisssssss :-P )

:eek: :) :D :lol:

know how a real man can tell when his girlfriend is having an orgasim during sex?

a real man doesn't care


hi-yo

*pulls microphone out of andyo's hands; beats him with it*


Why did the chicken stop halfway across the road?


Because she wanted to lay it on the line.


*ducks hurled fruit*

Some jokes here are downright crass, some are genuinely funny, but some are downright crass.


BTW really enjoyed the squaw of the hippopotamus one :lol:

*stealing the mic back - dodging rotten vegetables*

Originally posted by Switch625
*pulls microphone out of andyo's hands; beats him with it*


Why did the chicken stop halfway across the road?


Because she wanted to lay it on the line.


*ducks hurled fruit*

Keep posting Andyo. Your jokes are nasty but funny.

Enough with the one-liners! A good joke needs to be set up, so you can appreciate it. :D (Not that this one is any good, but it's the best I con do on short notice.)

Four guys go golfing. Mike says to the others, "Hey, I've got to stop by the pro-shop. I'll meet you at the tee."

The other three stroll out to the first tee, chatting along the way.

"So, John, how's that son of yours?"

"Well, he's in real estate, you know. Business has been booming. So much so that he just GAVE a friend of his a condo!"

Not to be outdone, Bill responds, "Well, my son is in the stock market. He's doing so well that he just put together a portfolio that he gave to one of HIS friends."

The third golfer chimes in, "My son sells cars. He's doing so well that he now owns his own franchise, and he just gave a new MERCEDES to HIS friend."

Just then Mike gets back. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Our sons. How is your's doing?"

Mike just shrugs. "I don't understand that boy. He works as a dancer at a gay bar. I guess he's doing OK, though. He's already got a condo, a stock portfolio, and a Mercedes."

you joke is ok - i give it one and a half laughs - though i thought it was funnier when i read it in maxum a few months ago - i guess it just comes down to personal preference, a joke that is funny or a joke that is long


p.s. - they arn't really one liners anyway, as they all have at least two lines - one liners are the henny youngman "take my wife, please" jokes :P

p.s.s. - know whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
the wheelchair :D :D :cool:

warned

Andyo - I agree, I don't give it more than one and a half laughs myself. And didn't know it appeared in Maxim, either. That's the problem when you hear a joke in conversation: you don't know where it may have come from.

You're right, yours aren't one-liners in the literal sense. But 'two-liners' just didn't sound right. :p

And go ahead and keep posting. I just wanted to grab the 'mic' for myself for a minute. :D Like LaRo said, they may be 'nasty', but they are funny.
the wheelchair :lol:

warned

way too lewd. You have 16 hours (until 12 noon CDT tomorrow) to explain to me why you should not be restricted for your large aggregation of lewdness, spamming threads, some flaming, and overall stinking up the place