Since the actual playing of the game is slowly being taken over by a bunch of people who can play, hehe, I might as well step back (No Tubby, You stay there) and instead remind y'all that KISS is the only team left to publically report from The World of Meleet (according to Idiots). We have some superb writers/wackos within our ranks who could easily outwit the stuff posted so far, even if a lot of it it mighty fun.
I suggest we call it " The Crazy Eye"

I think that's a great idea Daghie. I suggest Booti write it and you can make it look "purty". He's one funny dude and we are a funny bunch.

Here would be a few ideas from me....
Though we may not have fought a war, we had total chaos rip through KISS when our internal wars were flamed in the Chuck Norris discussions.

Our mapping the idiots was good so how about some discussion about how two people came together to form KISS....the idiots and grumpy old men. Most important we have our own Goddess Gram H the Ancient Crone. Who else has one of those?

Maybe something about having a Provo sighting along the lines of Elvis or seeing aliens, Loch Ness monster....

Another could be a poll about our views of each of the other teams but there are no results because we don't vote. :D

Of course, something about "the symetrical one" our Great Meleet.

Of course, something about "the symetrical one" our Great Meleet.Sounds like Brave New World:

May Meleet bless you.

Thank Meleet it's Friday.

Butterball, a former railroad track walker, was looking for root berries in a field outside the town of Dunderhead when he spied a man he was certain was Provo stepping into an abandoned old schoolhouse. "I know it was him, because he had a cape on and white satin pants with bell bottoms and lots of them spangle things that catch the sun and glitter sewed onto them pants," said Mr. B-ball. When he approached the building Butterball said he heard "a voice humming the strains of that Hunka Hunka Love song. There was no mistaking that voice. It was Provo's sound. I went in the door real fast and surprised Provo. He said he had just gone in there to find some momentary relief and asked me to respect his privacy. I told him I surely would because I truly had respect for him and his kind. He said he appreciated that and to thank me I could pick up a new Cadillac quarterhorse at the Dunderhead dealership, which I did the next day and put 214,000 miles on it before it quit on me".

Kickbootie, an incense salesman and way cool dude from the northern parts of Greenland reported he saw Provo relieving himself at a urinal in the men's room at Fuddrucker's in Simpleton. Kickbootie said he was at the next urinal and looked over and saw Provo. "I couldn't believe it. I said, you're Provo, and he said, 'No, Ted Kennedy,' but I know he was kidding. He washed up and left before I had even flushed." Kickbootie's affidavit was corroborated by Gozpel, who was in a stall in the men's room at the time of this sighting. He said the words, "No, Ted Kennedy" sounded exactly like Provo's voice when he sang the song "Rubble" in the movie King Creole.

That's great Daghie. Ha! I think I'll try to write a little history of how we came together as one.

The peaceful Celts has not fought any wars so far....for what you know. The Crazy Eye can now reveal that a vicious battle has been going on within team KISS for some time. The reason for this much heated debate is the question about who is the toughest dude, Chuck Norris or Bruce Lee. There have been some foul play involving postsing pictures of Mr. Norris in a mullet and a thight spandex suit. The Norris camp has retorted by claiming Lee was "an old fart in pyjamas". At a certain point it looked like a civil war was going to break out and threats were made of "leaving this bunch of wussies and join a tougher team overseas". Admiral Kutzov heard of this and, being chief of the fleet, immediately burned all of our floating devices.
Luckily the whole issue was settled when Grahamiam presented the thoughest dude of all....The Google Cat.

I may not be good but I'm slow. I submit this for team review. Make sure it represents KISS properly and doesn't tip our diplomatic hand.

I can e-mail the MS Word file to Dag for 'prettification' if necessary. Let me know.

Oh, and in honor of the Chicago Trib and NY Times, it is long and narative in nature.




Sober Reflection Reveals Startling Facts
“MIAers are ugly and their mommas dress them funny.”

The recent cooling in the relationship between KISS and MIA caught many political analysts by surprise. While this course of events remained unexplained for some time, an in-depth study by the Idiot Intelligence Initiative (3rd I) has uncovered the shocking cause of this geopolitical turn of events – an unexpected outbreak of sobriety.

For decades border towns along KISS's southern frontier had been the center of the green fraternity. Celts and Greeks often crossed the border for trade, fraternization and drinking parties. “It was great,” says Igor, notable gadfly and chairmen of the Gary Busey school of Geometry and Drink (their motto is “Show me the Proof!”) located at the University of Simpleton. “Greeks would come here and we would swap stories and play drinking games. My favorite is when we would sneak a hoplite’s Corinthian helmet, use it as a bed pan, get him roaring drunk and tell him to put on his hat before he left. Good times. Good times.”

The alcohol fueled amity soured when the beer, wine and spirits was interrupted due to a flooding which made the southern roads impassable to transport wagons.

“We were nearly a month without alcohol!” said Scoutsout, who was traveling through the region on ‘company business’ (wink, wink). “The only thing I remember of the first three days was a blinding headache. Next there were the bugs and snakes that seemed to crawl out of my eyes. After that things got much worse.”

The ‘worse’ was that for the first time KISS residents were able to appraise the residents of MIA while sober.

An obviously distraught Soul Warrior recounts this harrowing tale. “After my delirium tremens quit I went to the local pub. They didn’t have any booze, but the nachos were good. I was in the middle of a plate when this woman runs up squealing, jumps in my lap, gives me a bear hug and shoves her tongue down my throat. Now normally, I encourage such behavior but…” At this point in the interview Soul Warrior begins shaking and his eyes take on a wild quality. “Normally I wouldn’t mind, but she was ugly! I don’t mean homely, I don’t mean good personality, I mean double-bag, chew your arm off, Janet Reno ugly!”

It turns out that the woman in questions, Althea, is an MIA resident and trader who had been dating Soul Warrior for the previous six months.

“I had never seen her sober,” sobbed Soul Warrior. “It wasn’t my fault, the pub had bad lighting and, and…her breath, her garlic breath. And hairy!?! Don’t they have razors in MIA? Haven’t they even invented the RAZOR!”

The interview concluded when Soul Warrior ran into the nearby jungle screaming “The hair! Dear Meleet so much hair! Shave for crying out loud. SHAAAAAVE!” Soul Warrior has not been heard from since.

While Soul Warrior’s reaction may have been extreme, his experience was by no means uncommon.

Boern-el Feared, whose ‘Ouzo Queen’ was actually a high-pitched voice hoplite named Agamemnon, had a more typical reaction. “There isn’t enough spices on Rik to get that taste out of my mouth. I may have been drunk but he was sneaky, and besides he was wearing a dress! They’re scientifically inclined, CAN’T THEY INVENT PANTS! As far as I’m concerned any society that would produced a high voiced dude who will buy you drinks from 2am – 4am while wearing a dress and telling you he 'loves to watch sports too' simply can’t be trusted.”

Scores of KISSers found that their MIA girlfriends, drinking buddies and business partners were actually ugly women, hoplites in drag or Ronco representatives.

After the road north was repaired and alcohol shipments resumed, consumption immediately jumped 200% as alcohol fueled amore turned to alcohol fueled rage and resentment.

The response to revelations regarding the true nature of KISS's 'Green Partners' has been anger and mistrust. Greek traders are being closely checked, some Greek establishments such as “Billy Goats” have been burned and all Greek women are being turned back at the border. Gyro stands, once a staple in these southern towns have been put out of business and replaced with other establishments. “MIA can take their feta goat squeezings and shove them up their #%$*@!” said Admiral Kutzov. "I don't want ANYTHING Greek around me. I've even stopped taking olives in my martinis. I'm willing to pay a price for my convictions."

Time will tell if this mood swing will be temporary or more enduring. In the meantime alcohol is available, the borders are tight, and the freewheeling frontier temperament has been tempered with a sober commitment to KISS’s beloved form of idiocy.

“An experience like that changes you,” Boern said in a follow up interview. We met at the “Iron Elbow Pub and Grill.” The slightly shell-shocked expression he had at our previous interview was gone. Rather, an intensely serious man sat across from me holding an ale in one hand, and the shapely waist of a stunning red-head named Tera in the other. “After our experience with MIA,” he said taking a drink of his beer and squeezing his date, “I know what is worth protecting.”

A KISS geneaology
Many moon ago there was a world developed called "SG". SG is a world where people came together to take on heathen artificial intelligence and protect the world as we know it.
Two distinct clans evolved out of this world. The padawan idiots led by the "eldest idiot" Admiral Kutzov and their smarter yet angry counterparts "the Grumpy old men". This bond that would bind these clans for generations of SG's.

As time passed, these two clans came together to fight battles together. The "Grumpy old men" teaching the padawan idiots the tricks of the trade. The padawan idiots learned great things from the "Grumpy old men". In one SG the Grumpy's took on the most vicious of AI…Sid in SG Magnificient 7+1. This would go down in history as one of the classic SG's of all time.

In the meantime, as these two clans collided a new world was introduced....The World of Meleet :worship:. This was a very different world for the SG clans. A world where other clans from close and far would come together for a common goal. The two SG clans would hope to stand the test of time against these other clans. Now that they've come together, they are now known as the anarchist Keep it Simple Stupids(aka K.I.S.S.). way too cool dudes.

Here is a little history of some of the citizens of KISS:

The Grumpy old Men
Bede of the Cape Cod Grumpy's: Known as the Grumpy old Monk. The educator of many idiots. He's a pretentious, cantankerous, prolix, over analytical ass who specializes in specialists and is especially known for his "temple rant". Was caught with Isabella in the cockpit showing Joanie his joystick in the League of Ordinary Gentlemen
Sir Bugsy of the Pacific Northwest Grumpy's:A Grumpy, ancient, mean, know-it-all who doesn't, a classic dope, in the League of Ordinary Gentlemen he somehow ended up in the planetary party lounge with Joanie and was last heard dodging utensils. Let's hope they have this guy play a lot of the turns.
Grahamiam of the Pennsylavania Grumpy's: The penny pinching Grumpy. Some would contend the quietest but most talented of the Grumpys.
Scoutsout of the Flaw-dah Grumpy's: Always "has an idea". Second-hand warhorse; kicked out of class in GK2. Knows the difference between a calculated risk and a stupid gamble, but doesn't always care. Has lost more armies to culture flips than combat. In the League of Ordinary Gentlemen he was caught breaking into a stash of :beer: while bird doggin' Cleo. Also has said he's never jumped out of a good plane. Only one's with holes in them.
Gozpel of Australian Grumpy: This grumpy is known for naming his first warrior Bubba. Also famous for his: "Just whack them. Whack'em all! His signature says Fuzzy-wuzzy. The story goes when his daughter found him picking some navel-lint a few years a go, and she pointed at it and said: Fuzzy-wuzzy. Damn if he knows what they are teaching his kids these days.
Barbslinger of the Southern Cal Slingers: Not a hard man to track. Leaves dead men wherever he goes..... and empty bottles. His geneaology is still in question. There are many, many famous SG's this one has won. Best known for his ruthlessness on the battle field while slingin' shots and beers.
The Idiots
Admiral Kutzov of the Pennsyltucky Idiots: The eldest idiot at 14 1/2 years old in a much older person's body. He has a sidekick named Igor. On occasion, he has been known to go off the deep end after many libations. Loves floatie things and things that go bang.
Daghdha the anarchist Swedish Idiot: Our drummer boy. The idiot can bang the skins. Originally one of the blind mice who was easily converted to idiocy by Admiral Kutzov and Whomp.
Brit Soul Warrior living in Israel Idiocy: Known as the jive talkin' idiot. Recently moved homes and is missed by the Idiots very much. He brings jive to the party.
Major Idiot Whomp aka POTKISS-Chicago check the gene pool idiocy: Really 13 1/2 years old but truly the "eldest and baldest idiot". goes under many aliases Whomper, Panda Boy, Whompee...once screwed up the ToE so bad in a SG that he ended up with fascism as his free tech. Major League Idiot.
Tubby Rower of South Carolina idiot geekness faction: Resident geek Magna Cum Laude from Climpson. It is rumored his findings were the reason Provolution is missing or exiled. Learned from the grumpy old man and Magnificent 7+1 Dmanakho. His claim to fame is he manages to mine food bonuses in despotism
Beorn-el-Feared of Quebec City academy idiocy: Idiot Academy, File 13 and pregnant. He understands polynomials. Good tactics but overall ignorant screw-up, might hopefully lead them to stupid plans that'll lose the game.
Iroquois Plisken Maine Idiot--The Pliskenator. One of the youthful idiots. Everyone is trying to understand how he puts up with the idiots
Pentium of Slovenian idiocy: The idiot processor. Capable of capturing a city with an overpowering SoD regardless of the fact that the enemy just captured half of his empty core.
Own of the North Carolina developing idiocy amongst youths federation: AKA Young grasshoppah, known for making silly stupid mistakes in SG's, too bad he hasn't played any turns.
Not admitting to Idiocy...yet.
Crakie--of the Netherlands eat your babies. Talks too much sense to be a idiot but was recently part of a Bede driven SG.
Butterball of the "check Whomp's gene pool but it's really not my fault I swear fame".--Likely the reason Whomp has so many issues. Cheats at monopoly.
Mistfit of the Upper Penninsula artists: The artist extraordinare. Sorted SG & SGOTM history. Once devised a plan to give away a size 11 fully improved, 2nd ring, Industrial Age, city to the enemy. Also the bearer of many Wooden SGOTM Utensils. In short questionable player....but rather stylish.
Kickbooti of the Michigan Bootiliciousnesses: No discnernable skills. Tries to comment often enough that people don't notice he doesn't say anything. (Likes Temples, but knows enough to keep quiet about it.)
Smart...location unknown: Late comer to the SG world. A developing geneaology.
Barbu of the French Canadian Barbu'sAnother highly talented but quiet memeber (tm) of KISS. Speaks French so misunderstood at times but dishes out the best trivia ever. :D
In a class by herself and the only team with a goddess :worship:
GmaHarriet of the California Goddess': The ancient crone is in a class by herself. All the other MTDG teams may have Meleet but KISS has a goddess. Fully trained by two very different Grumpys.

plus she gives us these. :D

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-5/180352/VNKQW-plate_of_cookies.jpg

Booti that is seriously funny!!! LOL. A few changes though... like Effing Whoming Rower and Senellityville

Boern-el Feared, whose ‘Ouzo Queen’ was actually a high-pitched voice hoplite named Agamemnon, had a more typical reaction. “There isn’t enough spice in Senelityville to get that taste out of my mouth.

I would name names. The other continent has no idea about these names.

and Ronco representatives
:rotfl:
Gyro stands, once a staple in these southern towns have been put out of business and replaced with bakeries selling donuts, a fried pastry fast becoming a favorite among KISSers. Some analysts wonder if this change in eating habits might be reflective of a political mood-swing.


“MIA can take their feta goat squeezings and shove them up their #%$*@!” said Admiral Kutzov between double chocolate donuts. “I don’t know much about the Iroquois, but they make a mean pastry. And that’s worth something in my book.” I think we should edit this a bit since MIA has no idea that we're cozy'ing up to Donut. Maybe say gyros are still a staple but the Pocket Fisherman carpetbomb ( a new fish blended explosive drink) and the Veg-O-donut Matic have become the new Ron Popeil Ronco favorites around KISS.

If anyone would like to change their genealogy please speak up. :D

Tubby Rower of North Carolina idiot geekness faction: Resident geek Magna Cum Laude from Climpson. It is rumored his findings were the reason Provolution is missing or exiled. Learned from the grumpy old man and Magnificent 7+1 Dmanakho. His claim to fame is he manages to mine food bonuses in despotism It's SOUTH CAROLINA. I'm no yankee ;)

Post #7 has been edited as per Whomp's suggestions. Any other input is welcome, otherwise, Dag, do your thing!

Brilliant stuff. I will put this in the bowl and stirr well. We'll see what happens!

I did one final edit for grammar and a bit of style. Sorry for the unpolished first draft. Use the second if possible.

Ooooooh, I'm a goddess??? Wow! I never even got to be a prom queen when I was much younger and better looking. I'm excited and very much honored!!! :p

@Kickbooti, Whomp: Excellent stuff, I thouroughly enjoyed that! :thumbsup:

:rotfl: I had to go visit the little boys room I was laughing so hard. My daughter thinks I'm nut. Little does she know I'm really an idiot!

Extremely funny stuff. I have been traveling and working a lot lately sorry for the lack of posts. I am traveling the next 5 of 6 weeks. Carolina, Virginia, Dallas, Austin, Turkey, Seattle and then probably India. Too much.... ugh.

It's SOUTH CAROLINA. I'm no yankee tubs, u live in virginia. you're a yankee.

@whomp, u have issues. pmp.

MIA sees an opening.

Provo the spy, slinks thru the lands of the Celts. He notes much amusement and merriment (except for the venerable old friar who seems to be in gastrointestinal abdominal distress.

Admiral Kutzov. "I don't want ANYTHING Greek around me. I've even stopped taking olives in my martinis. I'm willing to pay a price for my convictions."
the hairless one is misquoting me again. what I said is that we need more single malts.

our clan appears to have a problem with the "silly" genome. the only solution, under Igor's microscope (OMG, whomp that's ugly) is to go forth and conquer. BTW, harriet, where are the cookies?

BTW, harriet, where are the cookies?
I guess I've been slacking off lately, haven't I? :blush: Will these do?
http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-5/180352/VNKQW-plate_of_cookies.jpg

Very Nice! I vote KB to be the Head Editor and chief of our fine newpaper!

Very funny stuff!

For our paper I propose the title "Idiots and Issues: News, opinions and rants." Tantum Idiocy Tolero (Only Idiocy Endures)

Thanks GMA! The beer was good tonight, having these cookies was the best.

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads11/cookie_slinger.JPG

Here is a submission for the baking section of our little paper...

Beer Cookies

INGREDIENTS:
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 cup butter
1 1/4 cups room temperature beer
1/2 cup chopped walnuts

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DIRECTIONS:
Cream together the butter or margarine and the brown sugar. Cut in flour, baking soda and spice. Blend in beer slowly to form a soft dough.
Drop by teaspoonfuls and top with a walnut piece.
Bake 12-15 minutes at a 350 degree F (175 degrees C) oven until lightly brown. Cool one minute on cookie sheet and remove to wire rack.

Really pissing my pants and Rolling on the floor laughing out loud.

Butterball cheats at monopoly ?? :lol:

I won't be able to edit our fine paper, but I will happily contribute in the spirit of idiocy.

The story isn't in, but there will be an expose about KISS's fine educational system with emphasis on nap-time and snack time...

Dag, could you edit out the "Belgian" part and replace it with someting more Kiss-like?

I think we're ready. Can someone "purty" it up and post it in the main forum?


Butterball cheats at monopoly ??
You can't cheat at Scrabble or backgammon. I got revenge. :D

Mistfit, I can't read your posting of The Crazy Eye. :( My screen reso is 1024 x 768 and works for most things...not sure if I need to make it, um, more pixels or fewer, but it's very fuzzy. I'd like to be able to see the finished product. :D

Gram I clicked on it and it magnified it to a bigger font.

Mistfit, I can't read your posting of The Crazy Eye. :( My screen reso is 1024 x 768 and works for most things...not sure if I need to make it, um, more pixels or fewer, but it's very fuzzy. I'd like to be able to see the finished product. :D
trick: Keep the "CTRL" button on your keyboard pushed, while spinning the wheel of the mouse. You zoom in (or out, in that case; spin the other way).

Thanks, guys! Got it working now. :D

Great job on publishing the paper Mistfit. It looked wonderful.

Admiral Kutzov truly is just another idiot!


A senior source within the Government has revealed that Eldest Idiot Admiral Kutzov shot a fellow Simpletonian, but claims it was apparently the result of faulty intelligence. It is unclear whether the faulty intelligence concerned is the Admiral!

Our source says that the Eldest Idiot told him, “I thought the shooting victim was Provolution.” The Admiral apparently said that he had shot a fellow hunter while on a quail hunting trip over the weekend, because he believed the man was Provolution. He also acknowledged that the man he shot with an arrow was not Provolution, but rather Tubby Rower and blamed the mix-up on "faulty intelligence."

The Admiral, in his own words, told our source... "I believed I had credible intelligence that Provolution had infiltrated my hunting party in disguise with the intent of slicing me with a sword. Only after I shot Tubby in the neck and he shouted ‘Dude, you Persian!’ did I realize that my intelligence was faulty."

Moments after Admiral's assault on Tubby, we heard that Dinsog appeared on a hill outside Carpetbomb III telling the scribes at the al-JaPersia newspaper that Provo was uninjured in Admiral's attack because, in his words, "He was in Athens..we think."

Igor, an aide to Admiral, (yet another Idiot within the Government) said he believed that the "Simple" people would believe his version of events, but added, "If he was going to shoot any of his cronies right now it's a shame it wasn't Beorn el Feared.”

POTKISS Whomp defended Admiral Kutzov's shooting of Tubby, saying that "the attack sent a strong message to all MTDGers everywhere". "The message is, if the Admiral is willing to shoot an innocent KISS citizen at point-blank range, imagine what he'll do to you.” Thank you for those words of wisdom Mr President of KISS!

Here are some submissions that I can only "ghostwrite". I offer this in the hope that some of you will take these ideas and refine them into something for The Crazy Eye.... then put your own by-line under the title. Needless to say... this stuff can't be "published" until after our TNT invasion.

Dinsog - Provocateur, or Propaganda?

Simpleton - Idiots in the Capitol are beginning to question whether the official account of the Doughbolt factory explosion was part of a more sinister plan. Arson investigators discovered an item that is "not of this world" - a Zippo lighter. More disturbing are the markings on the lighter. "There was a gold wreath with a Roman Numeral one"... reported Pentium, Chief Of Delving into Funny Incidents and Suspicious Happenings (C.O.D.F.I.S.H) "There was also a pair of wooden spoons arranged as a roman numeral two".

Equally disturbing is a copy of a diplomatic dispatch we recently acquired, which points to a possible conspiracy. The dispatch bears the seal of the Doughnutians, and reads "No-one has seen Dinsog on this continent." The words "no-one" have been crudely erased, and the dispatch changed to read "Nobody has seen Dinsog on this continent." This is the very same dispatch that administration officials used to justify the "police action" against TNT earlier this year.


Council of Advisors in Disarray

Political analysts are beginning to question the legitimacy of scoutsout's administration. "He fired all of his advisors except Corporal Punishment" reports Bede, Professor Emeritus of Economics at the Library of Simpleton. "Corporal Punishment is pulling quintuple duty as everything but the Military Advisor."

Scoutsout appointed Boern-el-Feared's girlfriend Tera as his military advisor. When her qualifications were questioned during senate confirmation hearings, she stated "I like fast men with really big swords, and I know how to handle them." Boern, now living the luxurious life of a kept man, doesn't see anything wrong with the arrangement. "She really only performs ceremonial duties, and the pay is great! She can afford all the beer and Gyros I want!"


Scandal in the Palace

Rumors are running rampant concerning improprieties at the Palace. Scoutsout, long known for smoking "arrogant sized" cigars, has not been seen at his favorite cigar store in some time. "Last time he was in here he bought a couple of puros, but he seems to have lost his cigar lighter" said ____, leading tobacconist in the country.

He has also been absent from his usual weekly poker night. "Waltzing Lessons" have taken the place of poker night as a standing engagement on prime minister's calendar. Speaking on condition of anonymity, sources close to the administration have revealed scoutsout has been involved in a torrid affair with a Greek woman. To make matters worse, the woman appears to have close ties to the Greek Capitol. Matilda Nefearius, cousin of the Greek Ambassador, has been seen sneaking out of the palace in the morning twilight several times in recent weeks. Exactly what sort of "waltzing" scoutsout has been doing remains a mystery, but some have questioned if the timing of this affair is merely coincidence, or if there might be some relationship to a sudden rise in Gyro sales in the southern provinces.

In case Mistfit loses the art... here's "Tera":

121070

..and "Matilda"

121069

...and my "council of advisors"

121071

It seems there's a lot of discussion in the Ironic Bible, MIA enlightenment threads, anti Meleetism "Dinsogism" etc about the true religion. I think it's time for us to spread the only true word. Idiocy and grumpiness. Let me know if I should change any of this...

As the chosen and only true religious ones the people of K.I.S.S implore all nations accept all forms of worship. Meleetism, RNGism and even the anti- Meleet Dinsogism.

As any true religious person knows it takes real idiocy and grumpiness to be tolerant of the many great religions. As the chosen ones we recogize the maker's maker...The Great Flying Spaghetti Monster.. Here's a picture "the great artist" Mistfit has rendered.

http://img489.imageshack.us/img489/9708/noodledoodlewall9iq.jpg

Someone needs to do a story about 'The Issues of POTKiss and his cronies"

For censoring and consideration...


Feudalism Discovered!
“Sir Bugy’s name finally makes sense.”

Simpleton – KISS thinkers excitedly announced the discovery of Feudalism this week.

Feudalism is a system of governance whereby property owning lords grant tracts of land (fiefs) to vassals who swear an oath of allegiance or fealty. It is believed by KISS scientists that this form of societal organization will be far more efficient and productive than the traditional Celtic method of societal deliberation, the bowl-off.

Speaking at the press conference, POTKISS Whomp praised the virtues and possibilities of a feudal society, “Exchanging property for fidelity has incredible potential. I think we will be able to get things done in KISS. I believe that a feudal society is going to be far more productive than the futile society Admiral Kutzov has been advocating.”

Admiral Kutzov could not be reached for comment; he is far too good a shot with empty whiskey bottles, 30 feet was as close as we could get.

“I think Feudalism is great!” said Kickbooti, a muck-serf from Dunderhead. “It clarifies so many things. One day I was sitting and drinking and the realization struck, If God loved me, I’d have land. Obviously I’m scum and should simply obey my social betters. It’s all so clear! It’s finally good to know my place.”

Social order is not the only thing Feudalism has shed light on. “Sir Bugsy’s name finally makes sense,” said Tubby Rower. “Everything makes sense. From the metal hat he has always worn to the way he exclaims ‘Zounds’ at the oddest times. Feudalism brings order to that chaos. I can see that Sir Bugsy was an innovator, not just a lunatic.”

Not everyone is happy about the developments. One denizen who identified himself as ‘Dennis,’ had this to say about KISS’s new king. “Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.” Dennis said he preferred “…an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs, but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major - ”

At this point Dennis was struck on the head by the recently elevated Marquis de Mistfit who received his fief in exchange for commitment to accost Denis and “get medieval on his arse.”

Dennis was last seen being dragged away by two burly Galic Swordsmen while yelling, “Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!”

While the lord-vassal relationship of Feudalism promises to bring a new sense of social order, at heart KISS is still populated by grumpy, anarchistic, idiots.

“I appreciate the fief with the hilltop abbey and the wonderful vineyards,” said Bede, whose preferred title is the Venerable One. “And I’m happy to contribute some swordsmen or archers to the defense of our country, even contribute some serfs to mine the hills or build some roads, but if my liege-lord things that he can call me because ‘queen Holly wants the furniture in the throne room moved around again’ well, he has another thing coming.”

What can you say, but Splendid :D

Oh...mah...gah! I am laughing so hard right now that my whole office just asked what's so funny and I couldn't say...don't think they'd understand.

Booti once again you've outdone yourself. Holly will be thrilled to know she's queen.....but then again she already knew that. :hmm:

Oh...mah...gah! I am laughing so hard right now that my whole office just asked what's so funny and I couldn't say...don't think they'd understand.
We have so much wonderful talent on this team that it's a pity we can't share it with the rest of the world. :rotfl:

@Kickbooti: That is awesome! I 'specially liked that bit about Bede movin' furniture for Holly... that thought is bound to give the ol' Monk somethin' to be grumpy about!

...now...what do I need to do to get you to re-work my stuph into somehtin' amusing?

...now...what do I need to do to get you to re-work my stuph into somehtin' amusing?

I am but a slave to the Muse; however, give me a few days, I have an annual report to craft and deliver, after that I should have some time.

I am but a slave to the Muse; however, give me a few days, I have an annual report to craft and deliver, after that I should have some time.Thank you very much! (I was just about to edit my previous post and say "Please".)

I think there's some potential there... but I'm not as funny as you... the concept is to generate some amusing propaganda at my expense... If you need some coals for the roast, I'm sure some of our teammates who have played with me before can provide additional thoughts if you need them.

Zounds! That's terrific! I can't imagine what we'll learn about me when Chivalry comes in.

And in the frozen land of Simpleton, they were forced to eat Bugsy's minstrels.

....And there was much rejoicing. yeahhhhh...

In a later re-interview, The Venerable One denied moving furniture in the palace. "That's a job for sidekicks, like Igor, his holiness, groused.

Queen Holly of the Darkteach Clan, decreed it time for a holiday of the "oh so rich, and oh so hot." She commented that Whomp's inappropriate cackling is due to his advanced male pattern baldness. "Shave, methinks not. I thought it was a fashion statement when we met, but now I know better."

In other news, the Chief Alchemist, Tubs, anounced the creation of "yet another chart that I can draw colored lines on." This announcement was met with mild skepticism by the leading lights of the scientific community, who merely rolled their eyes, patted him on the head and sent him back to the lab. "Tubs was a genius before he was expecting a second offspring," said Beorn el feord, our only expecting male member(multiple puns intended). "We think he's been inhaling too many female pheremones."

In miltary circles, there was much trepidation as Scoutsout announced, yet again, "I have an idea." PotKISS immediately invoked the emergency powers act and called up the Darkteach Brigade. POTKiss, in an adverserial interview, was heard to say, "If I've told him once, I've told him at least three times not to say that in public. It scares Igor. Then Igor runs from pub to pub, shouting "Scout has an idea. Scout has an idea. And so on and so forth. Methinks a little talk with AK is in order. He needs to shutdown that Igor pump or at least keep them locked up."

AK had no comment on the cloning or LB allegations and simply filled suit the court of fools.

When asked for comment, AK declined, stating, "in my cups again. when is someone going to discover pickup trucks and gunracks." Intrepid reporters attempted to venture closer, but apparently idiot technology is advancing post haste because advance archers shot their longbows at said reporters from previously unheard of ranges.

:crazyeye:...Wow. You have some serious issues and a memory like a steel trap. Did you shine your tooth today?

PS Holly read your article and agreed.

yes, the tooth gleams like a ship in the wind

You'd make a great gossip columnist, AK. Most papers do quite well having someone write little snippets of newsy comments about well-known local citizens. :p

I think Igor is drinking too much of that special TMI water they pass around up there :lol:

Someone gave him a swirlie in the bathrooms during a visit.

I was just chatting with our editor on MSN... the slave drivers at the printing presses need the articles polished off by 10 AM EST (GMT-5) this Sunday, April 2.

Since Kickbooti submitted a recipie... I thought I might take a stab at adding to a future culinary section. If I can tweak a chili recipie on MSN chat, surely I can offer something that my fellow Idiots might enjoy.

"Jambalaya Surprise" - by scoutsout

These recipies can be used separately or together, depending on the type of party you wish to organize.

Basic Jambalaya

2 cups of sliced and diced sausage. (Andouille if ya can get it.)
2 onions - chopped
2 stalks of celery - sliced
half a bell pepper - sliced
one 28 oz can of whole tomatoes
one small can tomato paste
3 cloves garlic - minced
a couple tablespoons of Olive Oil
1 cup uncooked rice.
1 lb shrimp - shelled
Hot sauce "to taste".

Saute the garlic, onion, bell pepper, and celery in the oil until the onions start to clear. Add everything else but the shrimp, bring to bubbling...then let it simmer until the rice is done. Bring to a boil, add the shrimp, and cook until the shrimp are done.

Serves 4-6

"Surprise"

15 lbs of charcoal
3 lbs of sulfur
2 lbs of saltpeter
1 Honduran Cigar (a nice Churchill/Double Corona... 48-50 ring x 6.5-7.5")

Grind all dry ingredients together, mixing well. Place in a keg on the back burner behind the jambalaya. Light the cigar, and enjoy it for a little while. Stick the cigar in the keg (lit end up) and leave.

Serves as a wonderful excuse for a party of a different sort.

Scandal in the Palace

Unofficial sources at the Palace stables have led this reporter to the cusp of a brewing scandal at the Palace. Scoutsout, long known for smoking "arrogant sized" cigars and a quest for a bigger sword, has not been seen at his favorite cigar store or armory in quite some time. Goz, the armorer, when questioned, said, "He be in here 2, 3 times a week asking me to add an inch to the sword. Personally, I think he's hot for my apprentice." Our unbalanced team immedjutly deployed to various humidors thoroughout Simpleton. "Last time he was in here he bought a couple of puros, but he seems to have lost his cigar lighter" said a source, unwilling to be identified, fearing retribution." "Twas a real shame that was. His cigar lighter was a real hottie. Smart as well; she used to count the change for scout."

Unnamed sources at the Slinger Casino have indicated that he has also been absent from his usual weekly poker night. Casino owner Slinger declined to be interviewed for this article. In a typical grumpy manner, he simply said, "What happens in Slingerland, stays in Slingerland; unless you have photos." Our team was then ejected from the casino and told not to return unless we "wanted to to sleep with the Dinsogs."
Our story lay dormant until Mistfit, a bright light in our artistic community, revealed that he had been to a state dinner the preceeding night. Mist, when questioned, said, "I've never seen anything like it. Not even in my basement, which as all cultured citzens of Simpleton know, has everything but a pool table and a gun rack. Curse the gods, I've even got foosball." "There was Scout with this huge burning thing hanging out of his mouth. The ladies just kept parading up the stairs. When questioned, Scout's maitre de or whatever indicated that the master was merely instructing the less fortunate of our society in Waltzing Lessons."
Our team of unbalanced reporters met with one of the "trainees." Speaking on condition of anonymity, she revealed scoutsout has been involved in a torrid affair with a Greek woman. To make matters worse, the woman appears to have close ties to the Greek Capitol. Matilda Nefearius, cousin of the Greek Ambassador, (see photo) has been seen sneaking out of the palace in the morning twilight several times in recent weeks. Exactly what sort of "waltzing" scoutsout has been doing remains a mystery, but some have questioned if the timing of this affair is merely coincidence, or if there might be some relationship to a sudden rise in Gyro sales in the southern provinces. Several new feta cheese factories have also opened in recent months.

When asked about the apparent lapse in judgement amonst his advisors, POTKiss replied, "Leave me the hell alone. Queen Holly is still upset about Bede and what he did to the furniture."

Our lithographist has been captured. Images may or may not follow. More follows pending my escape from the Darkteach Brigade.

"Surprise"

15 lbs of charcoal
3 lbs of sulfur
2 lbs of saltpeter
1 Honduran Cigar (a nice Churchill/Double Corona... 48-50 ring x 6.5-7.5")

Grind all dry ingredients together, mixing well. Place in a keg on the back burner behind the jambalaya. Light the cigar, and enjoy it for a little while. Stick the cigar in the keg (lit end up) and leave.

I give this recipe 4 stars. the version I used omitted the "and leave" portion

in other news, EPA idiots are investigating rumors of nauseous vapors eminating from various TNT cities. the vapors got so bad, that POTKiss forgot his domestic worries and left the furniture as positioned by bede and returned to the official duties. EPA Director Own remarked, "this is worse than the swill at the Academy.' State Department Investigators have discovered that D had been eating beans for weeks in a passive/aggressive plot to over throw our simple empire. The minister of war is preparing a response .

Ohoh...AK has the day off on Fool's Day eve?
Anyone surprised? We are all in trouble now!!

Love the articles!! Hehe.

...and in other news (not for public consumption) I got a note from 'slinger this morning. He's back from "across the pond", and when a few RL issues settle down...

He'd like to play a few turns.

(I hope this goes without saying, but this is good news, team.)

slinger & scout alternate turns while we're at war? My mentor scout says thats good, so I'll go bake more cookies. :)

I do have a few questions:
what's a doughbolt factory?
why is a driveway a place to park cars?
Why is Bede considered grumpy?
If Tubby Rower doesn't actually row...
If AK really isn't a russian admiral...
If POTKiss is a builder...
what does it all mean? I'm so confused. I'll go bake more cookies after I post an article.

Dinsog - Provocateur, or Propaganda?

Simpleton - Idiots in the Capitol are beginning to question whether the official account of the Doughbolt factory explosion was part of a more sinister plan. Arson investigators discovered an item that is "not of this world" - a Zippo lighter. More disturbing are the markings on the lighter. "There was a gold wreath with a Roman Numeral one"... reported Pentium, Chief Of Delving into Funny Incidents and Suspicious Happenings (C.O.D.F.I.S.H) "There was also a pair of wooden spoons arranged as a roman numeral two".

Equally disturbing is a copy of a diplomatic dispatch, recently acquired, which points to a possible conspiracy. The dispatch bears the seal of the 'nutians, and reads "No-one has seen Dinsog on this continent." The words "no-one" have been crudely erased, and the dispatch changed to read "Nobody has seen Dinsog on this continent." This is the very same dispatch that administration officials used to justify the "police action" against TNT earlier this year.

In equally distrubing news, ultrasound pictures of Beorn's offspring were released by his publicist today:
http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/8450/beornus0qq.jpg
Beorn, donned his idiot helmet and said, "I think she'll be quite cute when she decides to leave my womb." POTKiss dispatched Bede to 'splain things to Beorn. POTKiss commented, "who better to explain reproduction issues than a venerable monk? Besides it keeps him away from the furniture at the palace."

When asked for his opinion, Bugs merely replied "Zounds" and asked "Where are the armored horsemen?"

You guys are just strange...

Keep in mind that this thing goes to press in a little over 24 hours

You guys are just strange...

Keep in mind that this thing goes to press in a little over 24 hours
Keep in mind - you're the editor... you don't have to publish everything. :p

Now that we are at war this isn't spoilerish. Do you want to add this to the paper too?
Winston Whomp speech (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=3873294&postcount=505)

I'd say yes... The more we can taunt them, the better.

If we want to skip the war news in the latest version, we can have a cut down "Special Edition" that covers the conflict.

I envision large, bold type that says "POLICE ACTION" And then a story that talks about how the imposition of order is the last thing that we anarchistic idiots would ever want to do, but that the situation was so grave we had no other choice. Something like that.

My thoughts...

I like it Booti. The only thing I would change in my war speech is "scientific civilization" instead of "civilizations". Your call...you're the funniest of all of us so..I say...go ahead...make my lunch! :lol:

I would skip any war news in this version. I like the idea of a Special Edition later. We don't want to give them any "Bulletin Board" material.

EXTRA EXTRA
Soul Warrior spotted back in simpleton!
Soul has according to “reliable” sources been in the far reaches of MIA-MIA Land.

Reports are that a while back, Soul was recruited to the Revolution SOULution by Provolution (may Meleet have his head shaven and tonsils removed. Not nessesarrilly in the same order).
These sources say that Soul, Meleet bless his Idiotic mind, has been under the influence of Mega Barbura Striesunda, and NOT Althea of infamous nefariousness.
Said Barbura has tried, and succeeded in enamouring his Soulfulness, laying his in a hormonal indused coma.
Soul, when asked to comment on this said:
“Balderdash!!
Nothing of the sort happened. I was indeed under the spell of Mega Barbura herself, but that occurred only after I have suffered a waking up.
Have you ever tried running in the jungle after 3 days without any beer?
Thought not.
What really happened was that, while out in the woods, I fell into a delusional state, mumbling “must kill Provo, Must KILL!!!!”
After a few weeks in the forests, I have stumbled upon a camp, where many strange women resided. They wore short skirts and funny hats.
Upon seeing that marvelous sight, I immediately asked them for a pint or six.
They said they only drank wine, as they were on a weight-watchers program.
OK, I can dig that, I thought, and went right on with trying to produce as many babies I could in a single night.
3 bottles of wine later, my TRUE VISION has returned to me, and to my shame I saw that I was deep in our heartland, entertaining the master enemy himself, Provo!
It was then that I had a flash of idiocy and a plan emerged.
They would need a guide for their evil plot, and an accessory to commit the most vile crime there is – COOKING a CHERRY SURPRISE cake, WITHOUT the surprise!!!!

I would indeed lead them, said the Soul-Man, but not to their desired destination, but towards an old abandoned fort, where I knew we has some of our fine :ninja: training.
If I were lucky, these capitol guys would make short work of this band of brigands, and maybe even manage to set me free.

Our journey was long and ardous, but after a couple of months, we were sighted by Scoutsout and his royal Idiocy himself.
They have confided via a secret signal :spear: that we were soon to be attacked and that I should try and capture Provo alive.

The battle ensued, but regrettably we were not able to capture the villain, nor expose his dastardly deed, ESPECIALLY THOSE COMMITTED to the brave Idiot of the realm.

Sources with the office of military idiots has unofficially said that “Soul is a great Hero. I wish we had more like him. He should be awarded the Order of the Purple Spoon for his valour and deeds in our hinterlands.

Latest edition is out :D

Nice job Mist-man. We might want to consider a Speicial edition about the celebrations surrounding our high holy day.

What was misspelled?

I honestly did not proof the others writings for speeling as I cannot speel very wells myself :P

There were a few things, Bugy and Adimirial are two things in headlines that I saw. I thought it added to the charm and to the overall theme of idiocy.

Congratulations team, our newsletter now has the wides circulation among all except the Gazette.

I love the Golden Age Edition

Congratulations team, our newsletter now has the wides circulation among all except the Gazette.
mistspellings? were?

Quality Antiques for Sale - Intrepid explorers with quick feet and large swords wish to market artifacts from ruined city. Scimitars, pantaloons, and writings from an almost extinct civilization. Be at the market on Meleetday. These items are for the true afficionado of lost civs.

Mrs. Rower vents on Chief Prognosticator. "He sweet talked me into this. He said it would take at least a minute. He even had a graph. Well, it did and now look at the condition I'm in. Wait til I get him in the delivery room. Then I'll 'splain about who's fault this really is." Mr. Rower declined comment and was last seen purchasing puros for distribution to the clan. Upon persistent questioning, Mr. Rower admitted, "Yes, my fault, but my charts and graphs business is doing well and I can afford another youngling. And did Mrs. Rower mention my large sword? I'm rather proud of that."

One of our younger citzens, Beorn, replied, "why is there all this hype over Mrs. Rower? I'm pregnant too!" Teary eyed, he then ran off to the forest, shouting something like "I've got a large sword and a pregnancy."

Our intrepid reporter prudently fled the scene.

Help Wanted - Intrepid Young Idiots are invited to the barracks for free wine and spice doughnuts on Meleetday. See erotic exotic foriegn lands with abandoned ruins and razed cities. Initial enlistment is 12 years. Free farm upon retirement and pledge to liege lord. Training will include the proper use of your quick feet and large sword. For advanced idiots, scout will conduct a special school on lighting your hair on fire and charging. Only fit idiots should apply.

Rumour has it that the explosive ones are experiencing problems with executing their turns. Turnplayer donsig explains, "other teams have turnplayers from Europe, Australia, India and Rik knows where. On TNT, all our citizens are currently located in deep #$%@ which restricts our ability to match the overall flow of the game". Then he continued with a heartbreaking account of how the whole structure of Persia quickly were crumbeling to pieces. "Not only are we misplaced in time", he said sighing, "but also in space. Where we are, no one else is, and were they are....we wish to be. Where cities used to be, rubble appears. Heck, we don't even recognize ourselves anymore. People with no name that I meet in the streets are not what they used to be. Once cocky and self-confident now quiet and with panic in their eyes. This is no good I'll tell you, no good". donsig finished with a request, "could you maybe put an ad in your paper asking for a permanent extension, like, forever?".

after we start our GA, perhaps we send them a note that we can ease them out of thier misery if they hand over all cities, techs, etc. Then they can bow out of the game, letting the real teams play :evil:

letting the real teams play :evil:
A great way to make friends, huh? ;)

Now that Bugs has picked up the game for a bit... who wants to write a nice propaganda piece on how I've been "deposed"?

Edit: Maybe Mistfit could run it in a really short "Extra" edition of The Crazy Eye...

Make it sound bad too. Like we're at each other's throats and arguing over tactics. We're racing to see who can get the game first to execute our tactics first. A little misinformation goes a long way. :mischief:

Edit - This would really work well if we have G-man play the next turn. :mischief:

Had this in the pipeline and couldn't sleep tonight. Sorry it is so long, as always, edit as needed.

PS for Mistfit - if possible, include the attatched picture as being that of Scoutsout. Thanks.

WHY WE FIGHT – An Investigative story by the staff of the Crazy Eye.

Until recently speculation as to the cause of the doughbolt factory explosion had been the favorite pastime in KISS; now it is discussions about ‘un-neighborliness.'

The high profile of the doughbolt explosion demanded an energetic response by the authorities. Pentium, Chief of Delving into Funny Incidents and Suspicious Happenings (CODFISH), lead agency in the investigation, expressed his obvious frustration as to the lack of evidence to the Crazy Eye. “We have looked everywhere for clues. My officers have conducted thorough investigations of every pub, watering hole, tavern, bar, dive, cocktail lounge, gin-joint, and speak easy in KISS – some of them three or four times – still nothing clear-cut has turned up.”

In the absence of hard facts, theories have abounded; everything from swamp gas, to sabotage by Zippo, to the wrath of the Great Flying Spagetti. Follow-up interviews with bakery employees have pushed the investigation in a surprising direction.

Scoutsout, self-proclaimed “Chili Master” had brought a batch of his 73-alarm chili to the party that was being held at the bakery. One of the two men killed that evening was heard to have complained about ‘the trots’ after consuming four bowls of Scout’s chili and drinking seven warm beers. Witnesses claim he proceeded to the ‘little idiots’ room moments before the explosion that claimed his life.

While not conclusive evidence these developments, along with many Celts experience with Scout’s chili, have cooled the suspicions of more nefarious causes.

As speculation about the case cooled, KISSers set about picking up the pieces. The bakery lot was cleared, construction had begun on a new establishment, Scoutsout had reduced his normal chili to 56 alarm and life seemed to be returning to normal in Simpleton – except for the Zippo.

“That was a nice lighter,” said Pentium. “Once it was clearly not material evidence in the investigation everyone wanted it. Grandma Harriet wanted it to light the cooking fires for her cookies, Scoutsout wanted it for his cigars, Soul Warrior wanted it to wave above his head when he was at concerts. Seemed like everyone had a reason to take that lighter.”

Finally Grahamian insisted that it be returned, “After all,” he argued, “it’s the neighborly thing to do.”

It was quickly agreed to and CODFISH set about using his investigatory powers to discover the Zippo’s owner. After much investigation (ironically, the search brought him to many of the places he looked in the doughbolt investigation), it was determined that the lighter belonged to Dinsog.

This revelation only fueled the swelling of neighborly good will in KISS.

“When I found out who the owner was it really made me want to get the guy his lighter,” said Crakie. “Actually, I thought Dinsog was responsible for the explosion and may have said a few unkind things about him at the pub. I just felt awful about accusing him like that, so I wanted to help make things right.”

That sentiment appeared wide-spread, especially amongst Gallic Swordsmen, as when the “Return Dinsog’s Lighter” expedition was launched it took several galleys.

This good-will gesture on the part of KISS was met with surprising, Jerry Springeresqe, anti-social behavior on the part of TNT.

“It was the darndest thing,” recounts Sir Bugsy. “We landed outside of Furbomb, with our torches in honor of Dinsog’s Zippo, cake, swords to cut the cake, beer, even party hats; we were excited to make amends and do the right thing. But as we approached the city, they burned it and ran!”

Befuddled by this behavior, but committed to returning the Zippo, the Good Samaritans from KISS pressed inland, looking for Dinsog’s house, only to have this type of behavior repeated.

“At first we thought it was a strange custom, after all they are named TNT, they have nice lighters, maybe they just like to burn stuff when they are excited. But eventually we saw that wasn’t the case, they were just rude,” explained Daghda.

He angrily continued, “Listen, I’ve had people make excuses not to see me before, ‘my sister is in town, my cat died, I’m going into a convent,’ but to burn down a whole town just so that you don’t have to see me?! How rude can people be?”

Daghda’s question would soon be answered. In a moment that would turn KISS”s goodwill gesture to ash in their mouths, three companies seeking directions to Dinsog’s were accosted and killed by Persian Immortals.

“We knew they were rude,” said Grandma Harriet, “but to do something like that shows just how bad the environment they grew up in really was. I don’t blame them really, people who act like that are just raised badly. It makes me want to help them even more.”

Like a fire set by Dinsog’s lighter, this sentiment has raced through KISS.

“Think about it,” said Grahamian, “the unprovoked attack on the Donoughts, the sullen silence from their diplomats, naming themselves after explosives, the destruction of their own towns like ungrateful children, it all adds up to one thing – they need a hug. And being the good neighbors we are, we are going to give them that hug if it kills them.”

In a final interview with the initial leader of the expedition, Scoutsout, we asked him if he had thought about the doughbolt explosion recently. He laughed.

“Wow. That seems like a hundred years ago. We have bigger things to worry about now. Like how we can return Dinsog’s lighter with all these Immortals in the way. It won’t be easy, but we’ll show them what it means to be a good neighbor. But you're right, it all goes back to the doughbolt. Who would have thought all this would come from a little brotherly love.”

When asked if he hates Persians in light of the Immortals unprovoked attack Scoutsout said, “No. I don’t hate anybody in TNT. When I am tempted to be angry at them I just remember, inside every Persian is an Idiot waiting to come out. We are here to help them with that. It won’t be easy but we’re committed. After all, love hurts.”

As the interview concluded, Scoutsout lit a very large cigar with a very shiny lighter.

Now that Bugs has picked up the game for a bit... who wants to write a nice propaganda piece on how I've been "deposed"?

Edit: Maybe Mistfit could run it in a really short "Extra" edition of The Crazy Eye...


I will try and work on this in the next day or so unless someone else wants it.

I will try and work on this in the next day or so unless someone else wants it.
I wouldn't know precisely how to write it, but could General Bugs have given General Scout an exploding cigar, causing such injury that Bugs could assume command of the Idiotic forces? Scout, of course, would have to be returned to Simpleton for his mistress (is that Fe's cousin?) to nurse him back to health. :p

Disinformation at its best! :thumbsup:

CIV IV is crashing on my video card (ATI Radeon 9550 - if anyone has any ideas let me know). So on some brainless down time I have composed a few stories for the paper.

I did so thinking that
A) maybe we could have a war only issue of the Crazy Eye
B) I needed to prove I could write shorter articles.
C) I thought we needed to do something in honor of the colossus with his KISSward keister...

Here is the first.

Home front – Conflict Spurs New Innovation.
Simpleton

As the conflict with TNT rages loyal KISSers at home are doing their part by making an incredible sacrifice – sobriety for the sake of research.

Barbslinger, considered by his peers to be a quite thoughtful idiot and lead researcher at the Masters of Idiot Technology (MIT), explains the creative process. “Invention usually starts at the pub, after a few rounds the ideas are flowing, often preceded by phrase ‘Y’knowwhatedbecool...?’ But the research necessary can’t happen over drinks, that requires sobriety.”

Some of the fruit of this labor was revealed in a ceremony earlier this week in Simpleton.

A large, cloth covered object occupied the center of Simpleton Square. As a sizable crowd gathered speeches were made by POTKISS Whomp and Venerable Idiot Bede. After the speeches the cover was removed to reveal the newest weapon in the Idiot Defense Force’s (IDF) arsenal.

What was revealed is best described as a giant crossbow. Rather than using the gravity and leverage of the trebuchet, this siege engine uses torsion to create the force necessary to hurl huge arrows with tremendous accuracy. The projectiles, measuring more than five feet in length, can cover great distances with tremendous speed.

“The beauty of this,” Tubby Rower, “is that you can build whatever size you require. Small ones atop walls for defensive disruption, medium ones in carts for mobility, or large ones covered with pitch to stick into structures and ensure that a fire starts. It’s very exciting."

“We call it the Suppository,” ‘Slinger said proudly. “While I can’t reveal any specific plans, let me say that if you put me within four hundred yards of a nice, round, shiny target I can plant a flaming arrow right up the center. Very exciting, every exciting.”

:worship: Kickbooti :worship:

What about a Dinsog + Gunpowder + Doughbolt-explosion connection .... Just because you can ?

The Horrors of War
Outside the former Furbomb

Like most young Celts, Pentium was drawn to the military out of the twin drives of patriotism and adventure.

“The IDF has done more for me than I could have dreamed. I have developed physically, matured socially, I have confidence and purpose now, along with being able to finally hold my liquor. But side benefits notwithstanding, I was still craving the action and adventure that drew me to the military.”

That action finally came to the young sergeant with KISS’s excursion in TNT.

“I was excited. Not only did we have the chance to defend the honor of KISS against criminal rudeness but I was interested in seeing Persians. Everyone had heard about their strange customs, exotic foods and enchanting women, belly dancers and the like. We were all pretty excited.”

The landing near Furbomb, the sacking of cities, the days of maneuver and skirmish; these all provided the full spectrum of thrill and terror that comes with war. But none of the fighting or physical hardship could prepare the IDF for the full horror of the Persian campaign.

We caught up with the once idealistic Pentium a couple weeks after the landing. We found a radically different man.

When we commented on the change Pentium replied, “When you see what I have your innocence is gone, man. Whatever dreams of loot and the glory of conquest I had when we arrived have been ground to powder by the harsh realities of what we have found here in TNT.”

The realities – ugly Persian women.

“Tahini is pretty good, and the lamb isn’t bad. But ‘exotic customs?’ Burning your own town? And the ‘enchanting, dark-eyed belly dancers’ I heard about as a kid? Have you SEEN them!?!”

Seen them indeed. At the risk of editorializing, this reporter can only say that the tourism posters and the facts on the ground have precious little in common.

Pentium continued, “ Those Hoplite dudes look good in comparison! When the TNTers said their women were ‘da bomb’ we thought that meant pretty. Little did we know it meant they looked like the aftermath of an explosion.”

IDF High Command is rushing increased amounts of liquor to our brave troops on the front-line in the hopes of combating the effects of the Persian women.

As the war continues there is little doubt that further life, both Celt and Persian, will be lost. But amongst the returning veterans the long-term damage of their experience with the TNT remains to be seen.

As the inverview concluded a battle-hardened, world weary Pentium walked away muttering, "The horror. The horror. The horror..."



Recomended captions for the pictures.

The promise...
...the reality

Booti, come on, people will start avoiding me...:lol: Pentium continued, “Those Hoplite dudes look good in comparison!:crazyeye:

:lol: Brilliant, as always...brilliant.

@Pentium ~ We were avoiding you way before he wrote this article

Always fun to read our stuff KB! Very entertaining

You've outdone yourself again 'Licious.
It would cool if we could interview a major politician from either Donut or MIA.
Someone like Chamnix/General W/Peter Grimes or Kuningas/Killercane/"Nobody the dude"

I have zero computer skills (technology immigrant they say) so no help there.

Okay, the final bit of requested disinformation that raises doubts about Scout's competence.

The pictures provided are those of...
Cpl. Punishment [Cpl. Punishment (left) discusses a critique of Scoutsout's tactical discussions with a detractor]
Major Fox
Sir Bugsy [Big plans, Big cigars: Sir Bugsy is the new brains behind the expeditionary force]

Suggested annotations included, but change as necessary/desirable.

As always, edit as needed, and if there is a better picture for Cpl. Punishment out there, please use it, I'm limited in my resources.

And thanks for the positive feedback. I promise, after this I'll shut up.

Shake-up At the Top
Scouts Out!
Simpleton

For years Scoutsout and his perennial sidekick Corporal Punishment have been fixtures in the halls of power at Simpleton, but the conflict with TNT has brought changes.

Scout’s competence and insight in logistics and tactics had propelled him to the heights of influence with King Whomp. And whatever mistakes or oversights Scout may have made were politely ignored under the fearsome glare of Cpl. Punishment, the very loyal and protective aide de camp for KISS’s martial genius.

But Idiot insiders have long whispered reports of Scout’s declining influence. Scout’s decline coincides with his very public association with the niece of MIA’s ambassador Fe3333au, Matilda Nepharius. This ‘consorting with the enemy’ raised many eyebrows in KISS and appeared to engender some jealously in Scout's long-time and very protective assistant Cpl. Punishment.

After taking up with Matilda, Scoutsout’s normal routine of fencing practice, examination of logistics tables and polishing his sword was replaced with the wearing of garish hats, drinking cocktails with tiny umbrellas and smoking absurdly sized cigars.

This behavior, while disturbing, seemed not to have affected Scout’s abilities. He is rumored to have been the engineer of the landing near Furbomb and the IDF’s early success. But despite success abroad, it appears as though there was trouble at home.

Recently officers of CODFISH were reported to have raided Scout’s home, confiscated Ms. Nepharius’ visa, escorted her to the KISS/MIA border and placed her in the custody of the ambassador’s representatives.

Rumors and reports differ. Some claim that in a fit of jealousy, Cpl. Punishment planted evidence of involvment in the doughbolt explosion in Ms. Nepharisus’ belongings then reported her to authorities.

Other highly placed sources have said that the true catalyst for her expulsion actually involved the first family. According to the rumor, Scout and Matilda were guests of King Whomp and Queen Holly at Idiot House where Matilda made derogatory comments about the furniture placement in the dinning room. Queen Holly was then said to have ‘made herself a royal pain’ until Whomp contacted CODFISH and ordered the expulsion.

Regardless the cause, the result is that a much disheveled scout has been seen by himself in the pubs of Simpleton. According to one bar tender who spoke off the record, “It’s pathetic. He comes in, orders the largest tankard of the cheapest beer we have, places a battered paper umbrella in the stein, toasts across the empty table and dissolves into tears. He’s half the man he used to be. Even his cigars seem to droop.”

While Scoutsout’s future is uncertain, Sir Bugsy’s star is in ascendancy. Immediately after Ms. Nepharius’ removal Bugsy was brought to Idiot House and then departed for TNT with his second in command Major Fox.

Reports from the front have indicated an immediate change in the Idiot Expeditionary Force.

“Scout was great in his day, but he seemed to be slipping,” said Daghda. “Don’t get me wrong, he had some brilliant ideas, but I think Matilda messed with his head, Cpl. Punishment wasn’t all that bright (don’t tell him I said that), but he was better than that Greek harpy. But now that Sir Bugsy is here I’m really confident, he brings a lot of exciting ideas and some very good advisors, I can’t wait to work with Major Fox!”

Dagdah isn’t alone. Since their arrival at field HQ volunteers have flooded in, requests to be 'attached' to Major Fox are especially numerous.”

When asked if he thought Scoutsout had made good contributions to the KISS war effort Sir Bugsy replied, “Good isn’t the word I’d use. What can I say about Scout that hasn’t already been said? He is certainly something…”

When asked what kind of plans he and Major Fox were cooking up he replied, “Oh, the major and I have plans. Big, Big, BIG plans. Don’t you worry about that. He, he, he. Plans…”

He then proceeded to light up a cigar. It seemed even bigger than those smoked by Scoutsout.

:rotfl:

@Kickbooti: :thumbsup:

Okay...here's a suggestion for a really cheesy headline/pull-quote:

"Scout's Out!" or ... "Scout is OUT!"

Just staying 'in charachter' as an overwrought writer, I have made some editorial changes to the most recent stories. Mostly commas, adjectives and a few other details.

Just wanted to let Mistfit or any other of the paper's editors know.

Okay, I'm done now. Really...

booti, i can only :worship: such skills.

Is anyone editing the next Crazy Eye? My only concern is that we may get 'lapped' by a culture whoes most notable acheivment is a giant, bronze, naked dude.

Is anyone editing the next Crazy Eye? My only concern is that we may get 'lapped' by a culture whoes most notable acheivment is a giant, bronze, naked dude.
I think we'll have to wait for Mistfit to get back from taking the kids to Holland, (Michigan for those of you who don't know)to see the windmills, clogs and Tulip festival this weekend. :lol:

I think we'll have to wait for Mistfit to get back from taking the kids to Holland, (Michigan for those of you who don't know)to see the windmills, clogs and Tulip festival this weekend. :lol::eek:
Holland in Michigan ???

http://67.18.37.17/2135/53/emo/shakehead.gif

Idiot Americans.

Panic in the Streets

In a rare display of direct displeasure, The Meleet formally expressed his discontent with the Idiot American contingent of our happy little clan.

After an awesome display of lightning bolts (courtesy of Thor, a relation by marraige), The Meleet was heard to mumble, "This sobriety thing is ridiculous. The other three teams know they're idiots. Who do they think they're fooling?"

As a further expression of his displeasure at the Idiot Michigan Tulip Festival, the Meleet hurled a bolt into the midst of Cask Race XII, where underdog competitor Matlida Nefarious had gained a large lead by virtue of the large surface area of her undergarments.

A slobbering Scout mumbled something about drooping stogies and "at least its lit."

Anonymous sources indicated that a war of the titans may be in progress as A***H declared, "Rik, I don't care what you say, 90% of what they post is pure spam." There appeared to be several explosions in the sky as the practical citizens of KISS queued up for their free spam ration.

Further reports to follow once this intrepid reporter is released from the burn unit.

:eek:
Holland in Michigan ???



Oh, sure. They wash the streets, wear wooden shoes, there is even a real windmill imported, not to mention the annual tulip festival, the Dutch Village, one of Holland's suburbs is New Zeeland and don't forget the annual Frisian festival and the retirement home calld 'The Hauges' - okay, those last two aren't true, but the rest is.

Actually, Holland is a nice town with a great beach on Lake Michigan. Surely a place deserving of the Meleet's beunificence.

A story should be created around this picture. Something about Whomp fearlessly leading our troops into battle or some nonsense like that

http://img398.imageshack.us/img398/5350/whompgs7or.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

needs tulips at feet. Mist?

The Whomper's looking very cool in his new plaid dress. ;)

I really hope he's wearing clean underwear

I really hope he's wearing clean underwear
Chicks dig me, because bald Pandas rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something unusual.

Chicks dig me, because bald Pandas rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something unusual.Imagine a referree throwing a flag and blowing a whistle. "Personal Foul, unneccessary sharing!"

I have the Chic-fil-A calendar and this year it's a lot of ancient/mythical characters. the above picture is titled Boldhoof

I also have Whomp as Joan of Alfalfa, Charboilemagne, Reuben Hood, Agrilles, Moolius Caesar, King Art-Herd, Kobe Kowsumoto, Lady Guineveal, Beif Eriksson, El Cud, and Angus Khan. I might save them although, El Cud is firing a catapult at a castle.

Gallic Swordmen like our fearless leader Whomp pictured above follow the longstand tradition of kilt wearers. To find out what we wear under our kilt, listen to a tune called "The Scotsman." Here's the lyric:


The Scotman
words and music by Mike Cross

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar on evening fair
And one could tell by how we walked that he drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street

About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold, for them to see, beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree
Behind a bush, he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes.
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize

@Bugs: I remember learning that song in church camp! (as a counselor, after hours). I love that song!!!!!

I'd never heard that before, but it's mighty funny! First prize, huh? :lol:

@ Scout...church camp????? :eek:

@Bugs: I remember learning that song in church camp! (as a counselor, after hours).

:lol: My, how times have changed. I think my ecclesiastical insurance agent would put me to the rack now-a-days.

And then there was one more.

Mr. & Mrs. Rower hath reproduced. Ehtan Rower was born for the age of war. 9 pounds plus a full head of hair!

This omen was quite puzzling to the idiots. The grumpies were bemused. It seemed they were in the "been there, done that," mode. Scout was qouted as saying "even slinger smiled"

booti got out the holy water and blessed the child per the parental instructions

there was lighting in the sky. various Kiss citizens were heard to sing "na na na, hey, hey goodbye to TNT

Scout simply lit another stoogie and smiled.

igor simply welcomed a new member to the clan.

Hear ye! Hear ye! Zounds!

The Clan of Idiots wishes to announce the birth of our newest member, Ethan "Kick TNT Butt" Rower.

Appearing at an Effing Whomping Rower weight of 9+ pounds, our youngest member immediately picked up a crayon and began charting life expectancy for TNT. Annointed by Queen Holly, and chanted over by a venerable monk, the youngest idiot has been designated "he who will bring balance to the world of Meleet."

When questioned, Mrs. Rower was heard to say, "Geeks are still cool. But this one is much cuter than his father. He has better hair too."

Our roving idiot questioned many of the fine citizens of KISS:

Scout simply lit a cigar and said, "We always knew Tubby had it in him, we were just amazed at the kid's stamina. He's like a mini David Blain and submersed himself for weeks before firing out lke a treb."

Bede declined to be interviewed, citing his chanting duties.

Sir Bugsy also declined an interview, stating, "Leave me alone, I've got to get Ethan's Ballad done or Queen Holly will have another fit!"

Booti merely chuckled and mumbled something about "fortuitous donations flowing"

Gmaharriet caused a brief spike in flour prices throughout the civilized world. She also declined to be interviewed, stating, "the bun's out of the oven. OMG, I have to bake cookies."

Crakie was heard to say something on the order of "spam, spam, spam..."

Igor merely grunted and ran in circles, mumbling something about "new job, room and board. food, ugh"

The KISS tacticial response muskets briefly deployed in answer to an emergency drum call from Mrs. Rower. Apparently while still under duress from the Battle of the Wasp, Mrs. Rower was subjected to a Dinsog sighting and thought he was trying to steal a geekling for TNT. Our special idiots and tactics team swept the area and killed several small animals. Unfortunately, Dinsog's body was not found.

AK, polished his tooth and lit one of scout's cigars, courtesy of matilda. he ever shared with whomp.

Regent and GA threw several small bolts of lighting in recognition of this momentous event.

Daghie, returned to the basement and was heard cackling gleefully. Something about its over, we have a sign from the meleet.

Finally, under duress from the happy citizens of Kiss, POTKISS issued an official decree that said, "Hmmm"

How about some more disinformation as the G-man plays a few turns.

My 2 year old was up until 4:30 am puking. This is what the fumes produced...

From the Front – Victory in Battle.
Spite

Our glorious Idiot Defense Force was victorious in battle recently – but at first they weren’t sure.

As has been reported in this paper, what was initially an attempt to return Dinsog’s lighter has turned into an all-out effort to increase the friendliness on our sister continent. Toward this end the IDF has assisted in settling our own ‘neighborhood.’ This initiative (at the time of writing) includes three new cities and the ‘Our Town’ atmosphere is on the rise. But it wasn’t always so.

“Our first town was Spite, named after my great-uncle Gustavus Spite – not the un-neighborly emotion,” Said Daghdha. “As you can imagine, TNT was not happy about our moving into the area so we expected them to attack. And they did, I guess…”

The confusion that Daghdha expresses is best explained by the story.

One bright morning the residence of Spite awoke to nine TNT battalions in the forest outside of Spite. Certain that this was the Stack of Doom (SoD) preparing to attack the defenders began to make preparations. But in the midst of preparing their defensive measures something odd was noticed. Grahamian picks up the narrative…

“I was working on the walls getting the suppository ready for action when I noticed that this ‘SoD’ had nothing but pikes and a few horses. That didn’t make sense, who ever heard of a SoD like that? So I called over to Sir Bugsy and told him that I didn’t think they were here to attack.”

“You’ve taken idiocy too far,” Bugsy replied.

“Think about it; eight Pikemen and a horse. That's the dangdest excuse for a Stack o' Doom I think I've ever seen. What are they gonna do with that?”

“Well, you’ve got a point… So why are they here?”

“I don’t know. Maybe they’re the honor guard for a surrender.”

“Nah, we haven’t received any surrender communiqués.”

“Well, those woods are pretty pleasant, maybe they’re there for a picnic.”

“They are nice woods…”

“That’s got to be it, eight pikes and one horse, that doesn’t make military sense so it must be something else.”

Sir Bugsy looked thoughtful for a moment. “So what do you propose we do?”

“Let’s join them! I’m up for a picnic.”

So with the force of military logic firmly behind them the preparations turned from martial to recreational. The garrison gathered bocce balls, horse shoes, shade umbrellas and folding chairs while others raided the larder to bring food and drink, especially the fresh hams that had been sent from KISS.

Eager to begin the festivities Daghdha took the lead with the group brining food. There was a growing sense of excitement amongst the IDF, perhaps neighborliness had taken hold in TNT. Maybe this picnic would be the start of a new era; after all, TNT had clearly come to recreation…but they were wrong, TNT had come to fight, or at least do what passed for fighting in Persia.

This became apparent when the first trooper to reach TNT’s ranks was skewered by one of the 12’ pikes. The remaining IDF soldiers were shocked into inaction, only recovering when the keg the first soldier was carrying started to fall; it is a matter of honor in KISS never to let a keg hit the ground so several soldiers ran to the rescue only to be struck down as well.

Jb1964 picks up the tale. “Scoutsout had been brooding on the wall, woman troubles I think, and he immediately sprang into action. He had everyone carrying picnic supplies bring them to the trebuchets. Next thing I know there is a hail of bocce balls and beer bottles raining among the pikes, I even saw one man skewered by a shade umbrella – darndest thing I ever saw.”

“While the artillery took its toll Daghdha went into action. He calmly walked up to the seemingly impenetrable wall of pikes, took out the three 12lb. hams he had in his pack and stuck each one on the end of a different pike. Then he stepped back, pulled out a cigar and waited. We all wondered what he was doing, we thought the disappointment about the picnic turning into a battle had made him snap. But by Meleet, after a couple minutes those pikeman couldn’t hold up their stickers with the extra weight, and as soon as the hole opened up Dag pulled out his sword, walked in and started hacking.”

At this point jb1964 starts laughing, “What could they do? They didn’t have any swords, only those unweildy, 12' 'pig-stickers!'”

Seeing this tactic, the rest of the IDF took up the battle cry “Pork! Chop! Pork! Chop!” and after following Daghdha’s example gaping holes soon opened in TNT’s line as the picnickers cum Gallic Swordsmen went to work.

At the end of the day the would be holiday was a holocaust for TNT in what is being called the Battle of Porkchop Hill as seven pike battalions and one unit of horseman lay slain on the field. KISS casualties were surprisingly light.

“It still doesn’t make sense,” said Daghda as he turned the ham stuck on his sword over the fire he had made with pike shafts. “it obviously wasn’t a picnic, but it wasn’t a SoD either. They’re weird over here in TNT. Maybe that was some strange way to reduce unit upkeep costs or fertalize their fields or something. Wow, does this place need new management. And now,” he said slowly rising, “Scoutsout promised me pulled pork BBQ if I brought some meat. That is no problem."

Undeniably you, my friend, are such a ham. :lol:

So what was the sacrificial stack of pikes all about? I heard rumor that a fair number of Immortals lurked behind the front lines. Did the thinking go, “They’ll dash themselves on the Pikes and then we’ll follow up w/ a strong show of offense.” Maybe they were trying to lower unit costs?!

BTW, getting beaned by a bocce ball is no small matter.

@Scout, if you're still having those woman trouble I'm trying to get my wife's cousin married off. You could transform "woman troubles" into "insane in-law's" trouble. Highly intelligent, former Miss Texas contestant, and thanks to a psycho, controlling mother, incapable of independent thought. I was pretty down on my mother-out-law until I met her sister. Yikes! She's a cross between Tammy Faye Baker and "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark". Have I wandered off topic?

Have I wandered off topic?

Nah, keep going. I think your looking for the third door on the left.
:D

I'm sorry guys but the earliest I could work on the new edition to the paper is next Tues.

It has been taking me 2 to 3 hours to finish this thing when I do it. I have a very busy week ahead of me.

If someone else wants to throw this thing together it will not hurt my feelings.

Great article, Booti!!! I'm sure that, when TNT reads it, they'll be highly disappointed to have ruined what could have been a delightful day in the woods for all concerned. ;)

@KB: As usual, awesome stuff!!! :rotfl:

@JB: You had my interest piqued until "...incapable of independent thought". The next woman to win my heart will be capable of cooking Italian food, willing to teach me to dance (and hot enough to make me want to); comfortable in jeans or a cocktail dress, concrete and natural jungles; able to bait her own hook, reload her own magazines, and knock the flies off the south end of a north bound horse at 100 yards in a 10 kt crosswind.

Scout posted this want ad:
Dashing military man seeking woman who can clean and cook wild game and fish. Must be able to haul at least fifty pounds in a pack. Must be able to bait her own hook and load her own shotgun. Must have own fishing boat and motor. Please send picture of boat and motor.

@KB: As usual, awesome stuff!!! :rotfl:

The next woman to win my heart will be capable of cooking Italian food, willing to teach me to dance (and hot enough to make me want to); comfortable in jeans or a cocktail dress, concrete and natural jungles; able to bait her own hook, reload her own magazines, and knock the flies off the south end of a north bound horse at 100 yards in a 10 kt crosswind.

When I have time I will have to tell you about the year my wife got a pistol for Christmas (while pregnant; now THAT is an extreme sport) and what she has used it for in conjucntion with my professional duties. I love northern MI!!!

Scout posted this want ad:@Bugs: How about I post this in the thread for 'nuts Gazette:

"Dashing military man, recently relieved of command retired from military service, seeks woman who can clean and cook wild game and fish. Must be able to carry a fifty pound backpack (minimum), bait her own hook and load her own shotgun. Must have own fishing boat and motor. Please send picture of boat and motor. Experience with high explosives a plus."

Could you make it more middle age like

Dashing military man, recently relieved of command retired from military service, seeks woman who can clean and cook wild game and fish. Must be able to carry a fifty pound backpack (minimum), bait her own hook and load her own musket. Must have own fishing boat with oars. Please send picture of boat with oars. Experience with bat guano a plus"

Could you make it more middle age likeGuano? What are you makin' with that? Stinkbombs? :nuke:

I wonder if we ought to get Igor to take a stab at this...

when you want something done right, call a 12B.

Military genius, recently retired, with large stoogie, seeks Athena or clone for fun in the sun on the the beach. Survival skills essential. Dowry must include implanted personal floatation devices (2 large ones), rucksack to carry properly dressed fish and game, and magic firestick that shoots iron balls long distances; rifling optional but encouraged. Exceptional eyesight a plus. Urbane survival skills a necessity as is fast galley. Willing to train the right candidate. Send picture of magic firestick, boat and personal floatation devices.

:dubious: @AK: You 12B types clearly spent too much time watching... television in the company day-room. No such woman exists.

Another try - second hand warhorse, not quite ready for glue factory, desperate for "female" companionship, seeks MIA woman that will work for doughnuts. Bag on head a necessity. Must have geneology to prove no relation to irongold. Bring single malt scotch to interview.

Sorry for not having done my homework on The Eye. We had a big gig on saturday things has been generally busy sooo...:blush:
Hopefully Mist will be able to get it done soon because there's some really cool articles waiting.

If no one opposes I will take on the task of compiling a new edition of The Eye. It won't be as flashy as Mist's one, but...
In the light of what has happened it would be nice to send out the message that we are as alive and idiotic as ever.
I would like a fresh start on contributions so please post whatever you can come up with.

If no one opposes I will take on the task of compiling a new edition of The Eye. It won't be as flashy as Mist's one, but...
In the light of what has happened it would be nice to send out the message that we are as alive and idiotic as ever.
I would like a fresh start on contributions so please post whatever you can come up with.
Hope these are not too off-the-wall and flakey.

Scoutsout
We need to defend scoutsout's honor from the lies of MIA. He did not allegedly assualt the MIA almost-babes because 1) he just had THE operation the day of the alleged incident or 2) we produce his four wives and 15 half-witted children as his alibi (they were playing soccer in Dancing Banana with some of the homeless TNT orphans) or 3) he has using our saltpeter to control/hide his overuse of Viagra. Suspect a rogue former TNTer pretending to be scoutsout.

Urban Renewal
We need to stress that we are in the middle of an urban improvement project and have only kept the cities that are too ugly/too pretty to let MIA have.

Bad Manners
Our leaders are shocked by the invasion of the bad manners of the MIA guests. Public flatulation, spitting in the streets and not covering their mouths when they sneeze. They have advised all citizens that can to leave the area of extreme bad manners, and, if needed, take a refresher course in manners and politeness. I picture an interview with someone sobbing because an MIA guest was rude enough to pick their teeth in public. And in reply, we are considering canceling the Annual Goodwill-Hug between MIA and KISS.

From the science beat:

http://www.sawf.org/newsphotos/health/CHIMPANZEE-EXHIB.jpg
idiots doing diplomacy

An international team of researchers have suggested that one of the fastest-evolving pieces of DNA in the idiot genome is a gene linked with brain development.

In a computer-based search for pieces of DNA that have undergone the most change since the ancestors of humans and idiots diverged, 'Human Accelerated Region 1' or HAR1, was a clear standout, said lead author Tubby rower , an assistant professor at the Battle Isle University.

Igor, a postdoctoral researcher, scanned the idoit genome for stretches of DNA that were highly similar between idiots, humans and rats. Then she compared those regions between humans and idiots, looking for the DNA that, presumably, makes a difference between humans and idiots.

HAR1 has only two changes in its 118 letters of DNA code between humans and idiots. But in the roughly 5 million years since idiots shared an ancestor with the humans, 18 of the 118 letters that make up HAR1 in the idiot genome have changed.

Dr. Rower further explained that the proteins of humans and idiots are very similar to each other, but are put together in different ways. Differences in how, when and where genes are turned on likely give rise to many of the physical differences between humans and idiots. The idiot emotional response has been noted as one of the primary differences. Another difference, with anectdotal evidence only at this time, hypothesizes that idiot intelligenc may be temporarily boosted by cookies and/or ethanol.

The research is published in August 17 issue of the journal Nature of Idiots.

What's not very clear in that picture is that the idiot on the right is actually moving toward the other idiots. The idiot in the middle owes him a "courtesy sniff". It was a fascinating dynamic to watch as it was happening

OMG....you have issues. The idiot in the middle is eating termites that he/she picked off the back of the idiot on the right had and has no time for "sniffs". There's work to do, don'tchaya know? :rolleyes:

Was Tubby on the diplomatic mission to MIA!?! No wonder they declared war if he is pulling that kind of stuff at state dinners. I'd declare war too. I think the Crazy Eye may have something to say about this...

Was Tubby on the diplomatic mission to MIA!?! No wonder they declared war if he is pulling that kind of stuff at state dinners. I'd declare war too. I think the Crazy Eye may have something to say about this...
We're very much looking fwd to that :lol:

Scoutsout
We need to defend scoutsout's honor from the lies of MIA. He did not allegedly assualt the MIA almost-babes because 1) he just had THE operation the day of the alleged incident or 2) we produce his four wives and 15 half-witted children as his alibi (they were playing soccer in Dancing Banana with some of the homeless TNT orphans) or 3) he has using our saltpeter to control/hide his overuse of Viagra. Suspect a rogue former TNTer pretending to be scoutsout.
Or I could give him an alibi, saying he was with me that night. ;) Not sure if that would make his reputation better or worse, but I find it amusing. Um, we were playing a grandma/grandson all night game of Go Fish...yeah, that's it...a card game. :p

Hey that works for me. I could say I was there as well. Say we were having a poker game and we got in a brawl because there were six aces in the deck. I'm sure there were others at that game. Here's a picture someone took.

http://forums.civfanatics.com/uploads/32851/1156299171.jpg

Or maybe it was this picture:
http://forums.civfanatics.com/uploads/32851/1156300022.jpg

I'm sure I was at both those games... Lost the grocery money to someone