http://img312.imageshack.us/img312/2780/simaqian0ec.jpg

Sima Qian, Prefect of the Grand Scribes, was exhausted after completing his last assignment, Project Kaguya (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=160956). While it was quite fun to recover from last place after the expansion phase, he had found the final turns to be incredibly dry and uninteresting, as most of his time was spent micromanaging and waiting for technology to be researched. But he did not dare raise any complaint about that to the unpredictable Emperor Han Wu Di, as this was not the first time he had been threatened with bodily mutilation. All he could do was hope that something better was on the way. What could he expect from a master who was a Civilization junkie, anyway?

The Son of Heaven had asked him to get a good night of sleep, which Sima Qian found to be both a blessing and a curse. It was the first time in over a month that he was allowed to have a break from his duties, but deep inside he feared this was a sign that the next assignment would be even harsher than the last. Never before had the Emperor shown any kind of concern for his health, so he wondered what might be the reason behind that suggestion.

http://img436.imageshack.us/img436/4442/hanwudi5vb.jpg

Much to Sima Qian's surprise, Wu Di was in a cheerful mood when he showed up at the palace the next morning. "Have a seat," said the Emperor after the young minister had performed the formalities of kowtowing.

A royal servant brought them a steaming kettle of tea. "Drink," said Wu Di. "You will need it."

He must be testing my alertness, thought Sima Qian. But he kept his mouth shut, focusing intently on the servant instead, who nervously poured their drinks. Something seemed abnormal with the tea. It was not the dragonwell green tea that was the Emperor's favorite, but a strange dark red variety that he had sometimes seen in his travels in the south.

"Is something bothering you?" asked Wu Di. "You look troubled."

Sima Qian quickly shook his head. "No, no, I am very fine, thank you."

"You are lying. I can tell from the look on your face that you think something is wrong with the tea." The Emperor grinned at him for a moment, then continued. "I am sharing a special treat with you today, for this is some of the most expensive black tea that I have ever acquired from the faraway country of India. It will do a fine job of sharpening your mind."

"India," repeated the historian. "Is that where you are sending me on this next assignment?"

"Exactly. This time you will take on the role of Mohandas Gandhi of India, the very Mahatma himself. And this tea will help warm you up for that task. I'm sure you are aware that many Indians are vegetarians, and you might find this strong-flavored black tea essential to satisfying your palate." Wu Di paused, as if waiting for the message to get across. "Now let me explain. You probably remember the last comment that Gandhi made after you completed the Wonders of the Orient (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=152838), and he was clearly dismayed with the fact that you cheated in the game."

http://img514.imageshack.us/img514/7193/wondersoftheorient2044ad94vm.png

"I did not cheat!" interrupted Sima Qian adamantly. "He has absolutely no grounds for making that accusation."

"Quiet, you." Wu Di would not let him continue. "I don't care what you might think of this, but as far as Gandhi is concerned, you broke the rules that he plays by. You, unfortunately, were not a proper vegetarian."

Sima Qian was quite confused by this. "How does that have anything to do with a game of Civilization?"

"Much more than you may think. What he means is that you worked tiles that had the resources that no vegetarian in his right mind would ever touch. Clearly, in Project Kaguya, you demonstrated that it was not enough to just deprive you of resources. And so this time, I will allow you to have resources near your starting location, but you will be forbidden from using some of them. There are six resources that a vegetarian may never touch, and those are cattle, game, whales, fish, ivory, and furs."

http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/7068/resources7ff.png

"That doesn't make much sense," said Sima Qian. "You can still be a vegetarian around cattle, you just do not ever have to eat them. Cows are still highly beneficial in terms of helping out with work in the fields."

"Ahh, but the Indians consider cows to be sacred. It is best if they roam free."

"But what does a vegetarian have to care about ivory and furs? Surely they do not eat elephants and minks, now do they?"

The Emperor frowned. "You realize that the religious Indian people are not vegetarian just for the sake of their own health, do you? The harvesting of ivory and furs inflicts such excruciating pain and torture, and often death, upon their animal sources. Surely a true vegetarian cannot condone such behavior."

"What about horses, then? Aren't they animals exploited by human beings, too?"

"Horses are permitted. The Indian people take very good care of their horses, as well as their elephants, so the animal cruelty argument will not apply there. And the other reason why I'm letting you use them is because as India, you do not know the secret of the wheel at the start. How would you be able to avoid the horses if you have no idea where they are?"

Sima Qian thought this was a reasonable exception, so he did not question it further. But he was still unsure about the idea of "forbidding" the use of these resources. "So then, I will have to manage my cities carefully in order to make sure that those tiles are never worked."

But Wu Di shook his head. "No, I cannot trust you to be careful enough to do that. The city governors are very stupid, so I must impose a stronger restriction upon you. You may never have any of the forbidden resources in the city radius of any of your cities, so make sure that you choose your city locations properly. And in addition to that, you may not build any terrain improvements upon those forbidden tiles, so do not even bother to irrigate, mine, or connect a road through them."

It was a very strange restriction, but so far everything seemed quite fair in terms of setting up a balanced scenario. Still, there were other points he was unsure about. "Then what would you like me to do once I have my cities built?"

"Hahaha!" chuckled the Emperor. "This is where it gets truly interesting. Your opponents will be the most unforgivable mass consumers of meat in this world, where their cuisine is dominated by non-vegetarian dishes. And so this time you shall be going up against the Americans, the English, the French, the Germans, and the Romans."

"Five rival civilizations, so this is will be a small sized map?"

"Precisely. The map I have prepared for you will be small continents on a world with 70% ocean cover. I have also given it a wet and warm climate to simulate the environment in hot, humid India. And just like your other two assignments, you will play at monarch difficulty."

"Fair enough," said Sima Qian. "May I ask what victory condition you desire?"

"Like always, I have set some very special rules for you." Wu Di grinned at him again. "As a deeply religious vegetarian, you cannot allow the violations of the sanctity of animalkind to continue. So as soon as you meet a rival civilization, you must trade for their territory map at the earliest opportunity. Then you must examine it carefully, and check if any of their cities are using a tile with a forbidden resource. If they are, you must declare war on them immediately. No more trading after that map if they are guilty of such crimes, so be sure you get everything you want to trade up front. But if they happen to be proper vegetarians, you can feel free to maintain any kind of relationship with them, both peace and war, and also make diplomatic agreements such as alliances, rights of passage, trade embargoes, and mutual protection pacts."

Woah! Sima Qian. Suddenly the game dynamics had changed dramatically. But the Emperor was not done. "If they are not guilty of such crimes, you are still responsible for maintaining updated maps of their territory to make sure they remain on good vegetarian behavior. Any violations where they start to use a forbidden resource, and you must declare war as well."

"What if I have a diplomatic or trade agreement with them at the moment they adopt the non-vegetarian ways?"

"Then you must cancel it, or if it hasn't expired, you must break the deal and declare war anyway."

My reputation is going to be ruined! muttered Sima Qian under his breath. Still, Wu Di seemed to have more to say.

"Naturally, your duty is to teach these meat-eating barbarians a lesson. Every offending city that has access to a tile with forbidden resources must be razed. And every tile with the forbidden resources must be pillaged. You may not make peace with that civilization until you have done all of those things. But in the process, you do not want to hurt the innocent bystanders who abide by vegetarian principles. So if a city is not using any forbidden resources, you may not attack, bombard, or pillage that city or any of the tiles surrounding it."

"What if I capture an offending city and then abandon it? Will that be allowed?"

"No! When I say that you may never have the forbidden resources in your cities, I do mean at every moment in time. So this also means that you may not receive offending cities in a peace treaty, or through culture flips or propaganda, but non-offending cities can still be acquired in those ways."

Oh dear, thought Sima Qian. This is going to be a lot of war.

"I must emphasize again that all offending cities must be razed and all forbidden resource tiles must be pillaged by the end of the game. If even a single one of them still stands, or if any tile with a forbidden resource still has terrain improvements upon it, I will count this as a loss. Speaking of which, I don't think I have described the victory condition to you yet."

Sima Qian cringed for a moment. He was sure the Emperor would have yet another nasty surprise for him.

Wu Di cleared his throat and said, "It will not be enough to simply dominate the world and destroy your opponents. No, that is insufficient. You must convince them that the vegetarian culture of India is superior, and must amass at least 100,000 culture points for a cultural victory. Be warned that this is not easy when you are fighting wars for the majority of the time."

The Son of Heaven has gone insane, thought Sima Qian. He was not looking forward to starting this assignment.

"I understand that this is a difficult scenario," said Wu Di. "And so I've prepared a very good starting location for you. I'm sure you have often dreamed of a start like this one you are about to see." He motioned to a eunuch, who delivered a bamboo slat with the assignment scenario to the scribe.

http://img213.imageshack.us/img213/7627/vegetarianvengeance4000bc8ih.png

"Holy cow!" Sima Qian's eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw this, but the Emperor sternly reminded him, "Remember, no forbidden resources allowed!" With a long sigh, he accepted the bamboo slat from the eunuch and made his way out of the palace. Once again, what he had thought was a blessing turned out to be a curse, and now he had yet another nasty situation to deal with.

Holy cow is right :eek: not being able to use any of the cows is enough to make a grown man cry!
yet another incredible variant.
Will be watching with great interest, go get 'em Sima! :thumbsup:

EDIT: :woohoo: first reply!

New story!!!! :woohoo:
So far it's one of the funniest stories I've seen. Good luck, Sima Qian!

Yes, that is a very good start that you have to leave behind. Expansion better be quick, otherwise you won't have enough room!

OMG! The restrictions are insane! TRhe Son of Heaven must have lost his mind completely!

BTW, how is your city going to grow enough if there are 4 tiles you can't use? Will you make the other citizens entertainers or scientists or taxmen?

Obviously I'm not going to settle on that spot. That would be illegal once the palace expands the borders.

I actually still had a very good start, you'll see when I write the first update.

I thought you are not allowed to work that tiles, I didn't know your borders can't contain that resources.

So, when will u write the update?

I thought you are not allowed to work that tiles, I didn't know your borders can't contain that resources.

I think I need to clarify. It is OK to have those tiles inside of cultural borders but not city radius. Basically, no city should ever have one of those forbidden resources in the 8 tiles that surround it when it is founded, or the 20 tiles it can work once it gets cultural expansion.

In this case, I won't be violating the rules if I settle on the spot, but I will have to abandon the city before the palace expands the cultural borders. I'd much rather move the settler than do that.

Better subscribe now before I forget.:)

:woohoo: Cant wait for your next update of this new story! I knew Ghandi was next.:D

Yeah... I'd just move the settler 1 tile due north and build there.....

And these are somewhat insane rules and victory conditions, but this one I could probably do (I'm all about the Culture, baby!)

I understand the rules now.

Heh, gotta tell my vegetarian girlfriend about this. :D

If she plays civ she will appreciate this!

:D Very good! But those restrictions you gave yourself are sick! :lol:

Good luck. :thumbsup:

If she plays civ she will appreciate this!
She is. :smug:
She's probably kicking butt in the Medieval Conquest atm. :goodjob:

Does she play better than you :D?

did you roll that start randomly? I've never seen a start quite like it...

Does she play better than you :D?
No, but almost as good after one year, while I've played for four or five...

Sima, sorry for the off topicness, but you can always see it as a :bump: ;)

One good thing with the restrictions, while moving north, you now get both spices, a wheat, and a goody hut! (But barbs can come out) Also, the hills and mountains will make the city very productive.
Without restrictions, it's a person's dream start!!!

(but barbs can come out)

Nope, since he settles the city and the goody hut is in the 8 tile radius, then there is a 0% chance of barbs.:)

Oh yeah..........

Wow. I am instantly interested yet again! Although, I have to admit as soon as I saw the title I thought of a strange mod where you have the vegetable kingdom and your warriors are carrots. :crazyeye:


Nope, since he settles the city and the goody hut is in the 8 tile radius, then there is a 0% chance of barbs.:)

Is that new for conquests? Because I have had barbarians attack me in Vanilla.

It must be a conquests thing or just good luck. I've had barbs attack me when I pop the goody hut with a settler, but you can't pop barbs if your empire has no military

Update coming soon Sima? ;)

Maybe he will do today/tommorow. BTW, I'm going to Hawaii for my Spring break.

Chapter 1: A Nice Vegetarian Curry

http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/6646/vegetariancurry4vz.jpg

I hold flesh-food to be unsuited to our species. We err in copying the lower animal world if we are superior to it.

Mahatma Gandhi (A.D. 1869-1948)

From atop a hill Mohandas Gandhi gazed across the flatlands, surveying the world that was home to his people. The bright sun above cast its soothing glow over the landscape, showing all the ripples in the fields as the hot summer wind blew through them. Here the wheat thrived in the fertile soil, and Gandhi knew this would be a bountiful cropland. Perfect for the land that was destined to be India.

South of the hill, he saw huge herds of Brahman cattle roaming the fields, truly magnificent beasts of nature. There they grazed, undisturbed, oblivious to the world around them. Such a peaceful yet industrious creature was worthy of Gandhi's highest regard. "We shall never interfere with the matters of these cattle," he declared. "From this day on, they shall be considered sacred, and it is our duty to ensure that no harm ever falls upon them."

The people obeyed this decree, although it is unclear whether they did so out of respect for the Mahatma, or if they simply could not withstand the stench of manure that polluted the air each time a new gust of wind blew in from the south. Following their leader, they set their sights on the grasslands to the north, but Gandhi had instructed a few of them to climb the summit to the east, in order to get a better view of the surrounding terrain. There the discovered a tribe that called themselves the Yayoi, who made sturdy pots from the stone they harvested on the mountain slopes. The Yayoi offered to teach this technique to the Indians, which the Mahatma greatly appreciated.

http://img215.imageshack.us/img215/7707/vegetarianvengeance3950bc12vd.png

In the meantime, Gandhi had led his first settlers down the hill, away from the sacred herd, and it was here that they decided to build their first city, Delhi. A nearby tribe of the Hsung-Nu barbarians noticed their arrival and approached them with weapons drawn, but the Indians assured them that they had no hostile intentions. At this point the Hsung-Nu chief stepped forward and greeted Gandhi, who, after a long discussion, managed to persuade him that a vegetarian lifestyle was the way to go.

The chieftian, visibly impressed, ordered his men to lay down their arms and offered them to the Mahatma for inspection. Never before had the Indian people seen advanced weapons like the bows and arrows that these Hsung-Nu tribesmen used, and although they felt they had little need for it in the future, the gift of knowledge was still well-received.

http://img140.imageshack.us/img140/4885/vegetarianvengeance3950bc24pc.png

And so it was around Delhi that the Indian people first discovered spices and the tantalizing flavor that they added to their food. Over the years a number of talented Indian chefs developed a fine vegetarian curry made from these spices, which soon became Gandhi's favorite. When a road was finally built into the jungle for easy transportation of the spices back to the city, it brought many a smile to the faces of Indian citizens who had grown tired of ordinary wheat bread.

With plenty of delicious food to spare, it did not take long for a group of people to gather enough to take with them on a journey to build a new city. The Mahatma had declared that the sacred cattle herd to the south must be left alone, so they went westward, escorted by a band of tough warriors ready to meet the next challenge. Presently they arrived at the shore of a great ocean. A school of fish had been spotted off the coast, but Gandhi had told them not to disturb the creatures of the sea either, so they pushed further to the southwest, deeper into the jungle, until at last they reached a point where they could go no more.

There they settled the city of Mumbai, well beyond the fish but also far away from the nearest arable land. The first residents had to gather scraps of food in the hills, or chew on kelp that washed upon the beaches, but inspired by Gandhi's vision for a glorious and peaceful India, they worked hard despite the harsh conditions.

http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/720/vegetarianvengeance2800bc5cs.png

But while Mumbai went through difficult times, the people of Delhi continued to prosper, and the capital soon became overpopulated again. It was not long before another group of settlers left for the east, where they found yet another ocean and built their settlement of Chennai on the coast. Because they also sighted fish swarming in the waters further to the south, they wound up with the same unlucky fate as the settlers of Mumbai.

http://img135.imageshack.us/img135/6678/vegetarianvengeance1750bc2ds.png

Neither did the third group of settlers fare any better. In fact, on the way to their destination they were ambushed by an aggressive tribe of Ghuzz barbarians, from whom they barely escaped alive. Eventually they also reached the coast, where they founded the city of Kolkata, wedged in yet another unforgiving location.

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And so for many years, very little happened in any of these settlements. Gandhi received reports of temples being constructed in them to honor the Hindu deities, but at the time he was much more concerned with the work of his sages and mystics. He wondered what they could possibly be up to while chiseling strange patterns into stone, but soon they had come up with an acceptable explanation. They called it Sanskrit, and it was the first writing system known to the Indians.

Over the years the use of Sanskrit would gradually decline, but the many different forms of writing that succeeded in its place all followed the same principles of representing ideas and sounds with symbols.

http://img220.imageshack.us/img220/1778/vegetarianvengeance2150bc5ga.png

It was at this point that a sage named Vyasa stepped forward and offered to write a great historical text of the Indian people, and Gandhi gave him his support. Vyasa already had an idea of how to keep track of the years by this point, and he estimated that it would take him until the year 1000 BC to complete the epic work.

In the meantime, a group of restless warriors had left Delhi for the sheer sake of exploration and adventure, and they traveled to the southern lands that Gandhi had forbidden from settlement in order to preserve the cows. They had one goal in mind: to find a source of fresh water to bring back to the plains of Delhi so that a greater population could be supported. In the south, they discovered two lakes, but much to their dismay they found they could not use either of them for irrigation.

The first one was sighted southwest of Delhi, but it was surrounded by hills and mountains that made it impossible to bring the water back. Not yet ready to give up, they ventured further south, where they discovered a larger lake surrounded by plains. Unfortunately, they were confronted by a herd of elephants around whom they did not dare remain for long, lest they get trampled under their incredible weight. There would be no way any water could be brought back from this lake either.

http://img227.imageshack.us/img227/1411/vegetarianvengeance2190bc2gw.png

Frustrated, they were ready to turn back, when they were attacked by a barbarian tribe that called themselves the Phrygians. Though the Phrygians did not manage to inflict a single casualty upon them, the warriors did find some loot in the Phrygian camp, and so they did not return to Delhi empty-handed.

Mahatma Gandhi, hearing of the elephants, decided to pay a personal visit to see those majestic creatures. The sheer size of them left him in awe and wonder, and he declared that these elephants, too, would be sacred animals never to be disturbed by mankind.

But while the exploration parties that were sent out did not discover any source of fresh water, they did find some better land for settlement, land which was not dominated by hills and jungles. In the northwest, a new source of spices was discovered, and it would be here in Hyderabad that Gandhi got a taste of yet another style of vegetarian curry.

http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/3507/vegetarianvengeance1375bc18qz.png

At around the same time, another city had been founded by a hill of gold in the southeast. The location was too remote to be productive, but Gandhi requested the construction of another temple in Bangalore so that its borders could expand and connect with the rest of India.

http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/9196/vegetarianvengeance1375bc29sb.png

And since the elephants were declared to be off-limits to any new settlement, there was room for only one more city in the southeast. The land around Mysore, although now quite as bad as the jungles of Mumbai, Chennai, and Kolkata, still offered few resources and little opportunity for growth. Nevertheless, it was another swath of land claimed by the Indians.

http://img150.imageshack.us/img150/4674/vegetarianvengeance1100bc6zz.png

The year 1000 BC finally arrived, and just as expected the sage Vyasa finished his epic work on schedule. It was a poem of over 100,000 verses and told the tale of India from the very beginnings. "I present to you the Mahabharata," he announced proudly. "May this become the literary text for all our young minds to learn from in years to come."

http://img135.imageshack.us/img135/228/vegetarianvengeance1000bc14ne.png

And indeed the Mahabharata set a fine example for future works of literature, which Gandhi decided he would collect in a Great Library, where the Indians could gather all the knowledge of the world. But first... what else was there in this world, anyway?

... to be continued

Very good! Such a dreadful challenge, but you are handling it well! :goodjob:

For some time I thought the start might have been a bit too good for my liking, but pretty soon I found out that I probably needed it...


http://img80.imageshack.us/img80/8799/vegetarianvengeance1000bc26zo.png
India in 1000 B.C.

Any guesses as to who the red guys are? Keep in mind that I modded the civ colors, so don't assume anything from that.

China maybe?

Probably China, like Mirc said.

You have modded China to be Red in all of your stories, so far.

China isn't in this game. And this is the other red color.

HINT: I contend that this civ is the worst one I could possibly start next to in this scenario. Can you think of a reason why?

Byzantines by the colour.

Aztecs! Since you play vanilla.;)

Oh no! It's the dreaded Romans! (No! How could there such good ivory! I'm gonna cry)

And so this time you shall be going up against the Americans, the English, the French, the Germans, and the Romans."

I guess the Romans, not from the color but because the Legions will be hard to kill early on. All the other UUs are much later.

That is most likely it, good job Mardsen.:thumbsup:

I guess the Romans, not from the color but because the Legions will be hard to kill early on. All the other UUs are much later.

Yes, that is exactly right! :goodjob: They are in fact the Romans. I haven't declared war on them yet since I don't have their map (nobody knows map making yet), but I'm pretty sure that they have forbidden resources... the AI tends to like building cities near them.

Now, not being able to irrigate out of either of those lakes is quite annoying... but with the two wheats around Delhi I don't think it will be as substantial a problem as you might think. Mysore, the only city that seems to need irrrigation, fortunately can be reached, but it will be many worker-turns away and require a forest to be cleared out of the way...

I've been kind of busy these days, sorry if my next update is going to be delayed for while.

Well, I expect at least 3 updates by end of Spring Break!

Romans? Id be more worried if it was the germans tbh.

Great job and nicely written. I can't wait for the next installment!

I finished reading Project Kaguya yesterday. Keep the stories coming!

:bump: SimaQian, any updates? This variant seemed like a great story variant.:(

I just finished Kaguya today. And yes, keep the story going, it's been [almost] two weeks since the last chapter.

I am afraid that Ghandi might hsve eaten a cow brain. :(

I am afraid our friend Sima is too busy to attend to this matter. :(

Spam - deleted and warned.

Oh Grand Historian, where art thou?

Woah, apparently readers have gotten so upset with my tardiness that they've started spamming! Oh no!

(typing up the next update now, please be patient)

Even such a distinguished historian as yourself must realise the danger of allowing the masses to go unentertained. Civil disorder may be the result. This should serve as a warning, even the wise can learn a lesson.

Chapter 2: The Imperator Who Was Full of Baloney

http://media.twango.com/m1/original/0002/b3714a3f44894cab80a0e15c8d1767c6.jpeg

What with our hooks, snares, nets, and dogs, we are at war with all living creatures, and nothing comes amiss but that which is either too cheap or too common; and all this is to gratify a fantastical palate.

Seneca the Younger (5 B.C. - A.D. 65)

Jawaharlal Nehru gently wiped off the empty shelves at the Delhi Public Library, quite annoyed with the amount of dust that had accumulated. Aside from compilations of ancient Indian legends and folk tales, and a number of religious texts, there was surprising little to be found in the library's collection at this time. Nehru came across a copy of his own nonfiction historical worke, the Discovery of India, but that was not what he was looking for. Frustrated, he asked the librarian if there was any place he could find some scientific papers, particularly those relating to metal working and map making, but the only response he got was a blank stare.

The Delhi Public Library was clearly underfunded. Gandhi had shown only minimal interest in subsidizing research, instead focusing on accumulating a national treasury that would provide "a cushion in the time of crisis." Perhaps there was some of the Mahatma's wisdom in that policy, thought Nehru, but why have a library at all in that case? It would just cost upkeep, without generating any substantial benefit.

"It's the culture, stupid." That was what Gandhi had said the last time he had brought up the question, but Nehru wasn't convinced. Sure, culture could push the influence of India far and wide, but it certainly wasn't going to make the country strong overnight. He warned Gandhi that there were more pressing issues at hand, such as exploration and maintaing a standing army, but instead of listening to his advice, the Mahatma instead devoted all his attention to the construction of the Great Library, insisting that it would make Delhi a wonder of the world. In the meantime, he also ordered construction of libraries in Mumbai and Kolkata, despite objections from the local governors that their cities were still undefended.

Little did they know that they would soon be rudely awakened by a completely foreign diversion. Reports came in from the south, near the Great Watering Hole of the elephants, telling of a strange band of warriors wearing flashy red uniforms who were wandering around the countryside. The elephants did not seem to mind the new visitors, but this was startling news to Gandhi. For the first time, he learned that the people of India were not the only great civilization in this world.

These red-clad warriors served under the banner of Julius Caesar, the illustrious Imperator of Rome. At first sight Gandhi decided that he did not like Caesar, and Nehru privately joked that Caesar's hair gel must have somehow seeped into his brain. The Roman leader was arrogant to the point of having delusions of grandeur. Caesar spoke of the world as though all of it belonged to Rome, and showed off his lavish garments that were colored with Roman dyes. But, citing complications in setting up a trade route, he refused to export any of those dyes to India. Nehru, hearing of this, thought it was a poor excuse, although it was true that there were not yet any roads leading from India to Rome.

When Gandhi felt the dialogue was over, he offered to escort the Romans back to their homeland, only to find that Caesar and his warriors would not move. Clearly they had something more to say.

"You mean you are going to send us away without a gift?" asked the Imperator. "Every tribe we have met so far has offered us the riches from their villages, so why aren't you doing so too? Give us ceremonial burial, and we will forgive you for your insolence."

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"Don't listen to him," whispered Nehru in Gandhi's ear. "I think he's bluffing."

Gandhi thought for a moment, then responded, "That would not be fair to the Indian people. If you were to offer something in exchange, I would give it some consideration."

"You will give it your consideration now, on my terms only," snapped Caesar. "Face the facts: Rome is superior. It is in your best interest to agree to our demands." As if to appear more threatening, he motioned to the men behind him, who raised their axes as though ready for battle.

Gandhi was not the least bit afraid of this ragged band of Roman warriors, but he was uncertain of whether or not Caesar had other reinforcements on their way. After all, if this was the starting point of a full-scale invasion, he knew that the Indian military was quite unprepared. So he waited for a moment, carefully listening for any distant footsteps, but heard none. The Roman leader glared at him, expecting a response.

Somewhat reassured that the group before him was all he had to face, Gandhi said, "That is no way you should be talking with the friendly nation of India. We will not give in to your outrageous demands."

Caesar was taken aback by this sudden refusal. Never before had any foreigner stood up to him, and suddenly he realized that this Gandhi was much stronger than he looked. Embarrassed, he made one last empty threat before going away.

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The Romans had left, but after this encounter Gandhi realized that he could not afford to neglect the safety of his people any longer. "You were right," he said to Nehru. "I shall now order the library buildings we have started to be converted into barracks instead, for the next time the Romans come to insult us, we shall be fully prepared." The order was carried out in each city except for Delhi, which had progressed far enough on construction of the Great Library that it was too late to turn back.

It was also at this point that Gandhi found another location that was perfect for building a new city. Here, at the southern extreme of India, was a narrow land bridge that led to Rome, and he decided that this strategic location must be seized before Caesar could claim it. A barbarian camp, however, was already at the site, and Indian warriors had to disperse them before the new settlers arrived to found Madurai.

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And there was room for one more city in the north, opposite the direction of the Romans. The land was poor, but Gandhi could not think of any reason not to build a new city, and thus Jaipur was founded.

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The new cities, however, had scarcely enough time to grow when Caesar showed up again in the year 750 BC. This time, however, he had learned his lesson and was not so bold as to threaten India. Instead, the Romans had mastered the technique of map making, and were willing to show their maps to Gandhi for a price.

Gandhi was curious to see what the Roman lands were like, so he agreed to a trade where the Romans would teach the techniques of bronze working and masonry to the Indians, while the Imperator finally got the Indian secret of ceremonial burial that he had unsuccessfully demanded before. "I told you the gold would come in handy one day," he remarked to Nehru. "See, look at what we have learned now."

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Just then, Caesar pulled out a sandwich and started munching it loudly. Gandhi was not happy with his poor table manners, but he was in no mood to comment about that. Instead, he looked carefully at the sandwich. Between two pieces of bread, Caesar was eating lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, and a suspicious red slice of what he instantly knew had to be meat.

"What is that?" he asked, pointing at the sandwich.

"Mmmmrffff, what?" Caesar's mouth was still full, and he did not like to be interrupted while enjoying his food.

"That red thing. What is it made from?"

"Oh, that is bologna. It is a sliced Romans sausage made from a mix of beef and pork, and it is truly delicious. Would you like to try some?"

Beef and pork. Gandhi had heard of these terms before, they referred to the meat from slaughtered cows and pigs. Immediately he flew into a rage, shouting, "You heartless butcher! How dare you make war upon those unfortunate animals!"

Before the startled Caesar could even respond, Gandhi had snatched up the Roman map, and pointed an accusing finger at a tile near the cities of Antium and Veii. "Look at this, you have violated the sacred lands of the cattle! This is unforgivable!"

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Nehru was going to suggest that India should at least acquire knowledge of iron working before pursuing any further action, but Gandhi would not hear of it. In a fit of fury, he shoved Caesar out of the way and delivered the message to his troops: war had been declared.

And thus the Indo-Roman War began, all because of the contents of Caesar's sandwich. Gandhi was certainly glad he had listened to Nehru's advice and built barracks, as now each city could dispatch experienced archers and spearmen to the Roman border. They met with stiff resistance, as the Romans were also seasoned fighters who had far more combat experience than the Indians. The first Indian spearmen were shocked by the deadly charges made by Roman horsemen, and after losing a few early battles they retreated to a defensive position on the mountains south of Madurai.

Here the war became a stalemate, as the Romans could not break through the Indian defenses, while the Indians were not yet ready to launch another attack. The Indian cities continued to train archer after archer, hoping to gather enough forces to overwhelm the entire Roman military at once. "This is the tactical mistake that Caesar keeps making," commented Nehru. "The Romans keep attacking a little at a time, and each time we defeat them. When it is our turn, we will have to be unstoppable."

In the meantime, before either side had any success, construction of the Great Library was complete. A brief celebration was held in Delhi, but it was really quite meaningless as the Great Library had a collection of books even smaller than that of the Delhi Public Library. The only noticeable difference was that it was housed in a much fancier building.

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"What?!" exclaimed a surprised Gandhi. "I thought we would be able to collect all the world's knowledge in the Great Library! How could we get nothing for all our efforts?"

"Too early to say that," said Nehru. "Let us wait until we meet another tribe, for I believe it is not just the Romans and ourselves who inhabit this world."

He was right. It is not known how this information reached Delhi, but news steadily trickled in of developments in faraway lands, the realm of unknown civilizations.

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"What a pity that we do not know of these other people yet," said Gandhi. But as the war with Rome continued, he could not spare any time or resources to attempt to make contact. All he could do was to have India's own scientists work as hard as they could on the topics of iron working and map making.

Finally the tide began to turn. Indian archers had cleared out a swath of land east of Rome that was now safe for settlement. A few intrepid settlers built the city of Kanpur there, where it would become the new base of operations in the Indo-Roman War. Caesar tried repeatedly to send forces to capture the city, but the Indian defenders repulsed them every time.

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"Unbelievable!" screamed the Imperator. "That is Roman land, how dare they build a city there!" But the Roman troops were exhausted after all their failed attacks. A steady stream of Indian archers continued to pour across the isthmus of Madurai, and before he knew it, Caesar found his own cities under attack.

The first to fall was Antium, on a hill across the river from a wheat farm. Gandhi had ordered Antium to be destroyed, for it was in that city that cattle had been slaughtered purely for the pleasure of Caesar's palate. Never again would he allow the Romans to abuse the sacred herd.

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Near the ruins of Antium, the Indians would found the city of Agra, guarding a strategic mountain pass that cut off the eastern half of the Roman empire from the rest. There they seized control of the wheat fields, and when scientists back at Delhi had finally discovered iron working, they found iron deposits in the mountains right outside Agra's borders.

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Despite how much he hated the loss of human life, Gandhi was satisfied with the victories of his men. Roman troops tried in vain to push back the Indian offensive, but they met with a swift demise. In addition, the workers and settlers whom they were escorting were taken as prisoners of war, and in exchange for their lives they pledged their service to India.

"Caesar, your days are numbered," the Mahatma declared. "The avenging vegetarian forces of India shall soon be on your doorstep."

... to be continued

Great Update Sima! Pity about the sandwhich, still not as bad as in the Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy.

'I seem to be having this tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle...'

Nice update.:clap:

Its always good to see some war in a long-awaited update.:) :p

I thought the cause of WW1 pointless....

Finally! We were almost going to go into civil disorder.
Was Antium the only offending city in Roman territory?

A world map would be nice. Pity about the bologna. :( :p

Yeah. Too bad ceaser ate meat. I hope no other civ has an offending resource, or this could easily become an AW game. Hey! I just thought of something. What if an AI builds a city on top of an offending resource? That way, there will be no way to know that it's offending. Just Hope the Son of Heaven can't figure that out.

Yeah. Too bad ceaser ate meat. I hope no other civ has an offending resource, or this could easily become an AW game. Hey! I just thought of something. What if an AI builds a city on top of an offending resource? That way, there will be no way to know that it's offending. Just Hope the Son of Heaven can't figure that out.

The Son of Heaven knows how to use a clean map (ctrl-shft-M) to see all bonus resources.

Oh, right. Silly me. :crazyeye:

Ahh, so I'm receiving demands for a world map. Since I'm such a wimp, I'll cave.

http://img92.imageshack.us/img92/3491/vegetarianvengeancemap300ad5uo.th.png (http://img92.imageshack.us/my.php?image=vegetarianvengeancemap300ad5uo.png)

As you can see, Veii needs to be razed because of the cow, Neapolis needs to be razed because of the fish, and the other city in the east needs to be razed because of the deer.

Culture graph:

http://img20.imageshack.us/img20/2574/vegetarianvengeanceculture300a.th.png (http://img20.imageshack.us/my.php?image=vegetarianvengeanceculture300a.png)

2098 culture at 300 AD. Only 98k more to go!

I guess the Romans, not from the color but because the Legions will be hard to kill early on. All the other UUs are much later.


Apparently, this was not as bad as first thought. Luckily, the Romans were more concerned with lunch meat than legions. They had iron available but did not connect it, very foolish.

As you can see, Veii needs to be razed because of the cow, Neapolis needs to be razed because of the fish, and the other city in the east needs to be razed because of the deer.

the city to the east doesn't need to be razed until its culture borders grow.

:clap: Great update!

I agree. Death to meat-eaters! You will not end the War of Caesar's Sandwich until those cities are razed! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :evil:

Anyone know where Sima Quian is? I need an update. It's not like him to do this.

Proably he's busy- the last installment took at least two weeks.

Apologies for the idleness... it's been another busy week and life has been rather unforgiving.... I'll try to post another update, but it might take another week or more.

Man, I love 'dis story... Shame it's so slow... Ah, but anyways, strange war huh? Just because Caesar had a Sandwich... Uh-oh, iif I become the Brazilian president, better don't eat meat near the Indian Presidente... He may get very angry and declare war... ****, and they words are backed by NUCLEAR WEAPONS!

I doubt that would make India declare war on Brazil in the real world- and you know how the AI uses nukes :lol:

Ya, but did you see Chief Tupacwatha's Great Adventure?

Nope. Link please, carmen?

I should have started reading this thread earlier. :f :)

Chapter 3: Caesar's Salad

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But what pleasure can it possibly be to a man of culture... when a splendid beast is transfixed with a hunting spear?

Cicero (106-43 B.C.)

After the destruction of Antium, the Indian forces could easily have marched on Rome itself, but Mahatma Gandhi had other priorities. He wanted to put an end to the cruelty the Romans had inflicted upon their cattle, but the meat consumed by the Romans were not from the vicinity of their capital. Instead, most of it was prepared and packaged in the slaughterhouses of Veii and Antium, and while the settlement at Antium had already been dispersed, the atrocities continued uninterrupted in Veii.

Veii was home to a large number of a Roman minority group known as the Hebrews, a people who practiced the strange tradition of having their religious leaders oversee the meat preparation process. In order to receive their approval, designated by the word kosher, meat vendors had to adhere to strict rules regarding the kinds of animals they killed, the portions that made it into the final product, the cleanliness of their tools and slaughterhouses, and a number of other restrictions written in one of their holy books, Leviticus. As a result, the kosher food exported from Veii included the most expensive and highest quality meats eaten by the upper-class Roman patricians, and frequently made their way to the plate of Julius Caesar himself.

But Gandhi knew better than to be swayed by these deceptive practices of the Hebrews. "No matter how they try to make the process a ritual," he declared, "the very act of killing animals is wrong!" He would not accept any excuse that attempted to justify the process. There was only one course of action he had in mind: the slaughterhouses of Veii would have to be shut down immediately.

The Mahatma was aware that Veii would be a tougher nut to crack than Antium. The city was not just some cattle rancher's rural outpost, but in fact the most populous in the Roman Empire at the time. And so the archers that were assigned this task would appropriately be the best-trained in all of India, experienced troops that had many victories under their belts and commanded by an able leader. In fact, an extremely talented leader...

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If there was one person who could spread fear among the citizens of Veii, it was Chandragupta Maurya. Facing an endless torrent of arrows, the Hebrew butchers could only cry out in horror as the Indians under Chandragupta advanced into their city. Every slaughterhouse was burned, every meat market was torn down, and all workers in the meat packaging industry were taken as prisoners. They were sent back to Agra and Kanpur, where they were sentenced to a lifetime of community service for their sins. By the end of the Battle of Veii, the city's primary industry had been completely destroyed, and there was no reason for the citizens to continue living there.

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The fall of Veii meant that not a tiny scrap of beef would ever again enter Caesar's mouth, but it was not yet the end of the Romans' inhumane behavior. Further to the east, Indian archers discovered a settlement at Ravenna, right outside a forest where the Romans hunted deer and other game. Gandhi was shocked to learn that often these hunting parties would kill these poor animals purely for recreation, leaving their carcasses in the forest to be carried away by the vultures. "What heartless scoundrels these Romans are!" he shouted. "They must be brought down before heavenly justice!" And so the Indian military did his bidding.

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"Victory is ours," reported Chandragupta from the front lines. "Ravenna is no more." But Foreign Minister Jawaharlal Nehru pointed out that even though the battle was over, the war was still far from won. "Not so fast," he said. "I believe the Romans have simply migrated elsewhere in hopes of fulfilling their misguided hunting pleasures. Were there any prisoners taken at Ravenna?"

"None. We noticed a few Romans fleeing toward the south, but we did not have the time to pursue them." Further to the south was a cold wasteland, and Nehru was almost certain that there was nothing of interest there, but Gandhi instinctively felt that the Romans could not be up to any good. Chandragupta proceeded to investigate, and sure enough, the Indians soon spotted smoke rising from the rooftops of another Roman settlement. This was Hispalis, built upon the frozen tundra of the south, inhabited by some Romans who felt justified in calling themselves Spaniards, as they were quite far from the capital. They barely survived on a meager food supply of wild grasses, pine needles, and caribou.

Gandhi had never heard of caribou before, but upon learning that these were graceful deer-like creatures that dwelt in the pine forests around Hispalis, he instantly changed his mind about the Spaniards. "Clearly they have not learned anything from the people of Veii and Ravenna. We will give them what they deserve."

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There was nothing left in this remote corner of the world, and Chandragupta's men were growing weary of the struggle. Most of them had grown up around the warm jungle and grasslands of central India, and were quite unprepared for the harsh weather in the southern tundra. Still, they found some hope in knowing that their job was almost done.

In Delhi, Nehru showed Gandhi the updated map of the world. "There is only one city left where we can confirm that non-vegetarians still live," he announced.

"Where would that be?" asked the Mahatma while pointing at various locations on the map. "This here is Pompeii, and that is Pisae. Those citizens have already adopted the vegetarian ways."

"Far out in the west, beyond the site of what was once Veii. It is the port of Neapolis, a place where the Romans catch fish along the shore, and then fry or bake them whole before eating them. A most horrendous way for those unfortunate sea creatures to die, slowly roasted to death while gasping for breath."

"I have also heard that Caesar has now added much more seafood to his diet," remarked Gandhi. "We must cut him off from that supply of fish."

It took quite a while for the Indian military to reach the hills overlooking Neapolis, but because of the remote location, the Romans had not built much infrastructure there, and Caesar had still been giving out pointless orders to attack Agra and Kanpur that his commanders evaded without difficulty. Thus the battle that ensued was a surprisingly easy victory for India, and upon entering the city the fishing wharf and seafood markets were dismantled. Like the meat packers of Veii, the fishermen of Neapolis were also punished with a lifetime of service to the vegetarian Indian people.

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The final objective of the Indo-Roman War had now been met. Chandragupta, leading his men on a march toward Rome, at last forced the Imperator to grant him an audience. Julius Caesar promised to serve a vegetarian meal and invited the Indian leader into his palace. "Here, try some of this salad," he said. "I made it myself."

"We come to seize your salad, not to praise it!" shouted Chandragupta. With a quick motion of his hand, the Indian soldiers behind him snatched up the plates and examined them carefully. One of them tossed the salad around with a fork, and presented it to Chandragupta.

"No meat." The soldier then proceeded to help himself to a morsel, as he was quite hungry after the long march to Rome. Seeing this example, many others among Chandragupta's men decided to do the same.

Just then the main Indian delegation arrived, with Nehru leading the negotiations. The Indian minister looked at the troops eating Caesar's salad, and frowned. "Do you know what that smelly yellow stuff in that salad is?" he asked.

"I haven't the slightest clue," replied Chandragupta. "It's not meat, so perhaps it is some kind of soybean extract?"

"Soybeans?" interrupted Caesar. "No, no, this is cheese, made from the finest curdled milk of the Roman cattle. Try some, will you?" He held out a plate, beckoning Nehru.

A loud clang echoed through the room, causing everyone to freeze. Nehru had thrown the plate on the floor, leaving lettuce, tomatoes, olives, and cheese scattered all over the room. "You call this vegetarian?" he shouted. "How dare you put animal products inside your salad and still call it a vegetarian meal!"

"Okay okay, I'm sorry," said Caesar. "Please, don't make a big deal out of this. I will have my cooks prepare more without the cheese. We don't even have any more of it, in fact; this cheese was made from last year's milk." Upon hearing this, several of the Indian men vomited, attempting to rid themselves of the sickening dairy product.

Nehru was not interested in any more of Caesar's disgusting food. "I have no time for joking around like this," he snapped. "We have come to give Rome one last chance for survival. Agree to our terms for peace, or else your people will suffer far more than having to eat their vegetables."

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Thus, in the year 460 AD, the Treaty of Rome brought an end to the Indo-Roman War. The Romans handed over control of the cities of Pisae and Pompeii, along with a number of their technologies and some gold. But most importantly, Caesar swore on behalf of the Roman people to never consume a single mouthful of meat, fish, or other animal product ever again. Minister Nehru returned to Delhi, bringing the news of triumph to a joyous Gandhi.

Chandragupta, on the other hand, was disgraced. He accepted full responsibility for the poor conduct of his men at Caesar's palace, and made a solemn vow of sallekhana to atone for his wrongs. Returning to his headquarters at Agra, he locked himself in the temple, where he sat in meditation day and night, rejecting every visitor and refusing to eat or drink. For weeks he fasted in isolation, hoping that the heavens would forgive him.

On the forty-ninth day of the ritual, a passersby was shocked to find the temple gates thrown wide open, but Chandragupta was nowhere to be found. All that remained was a stone tablet with a few words of wisdom inscribed upon it:

Neither by action, by speech, or by thought, shall you
Do injury yourself, cause others to injure, or approve of injury done by others

In later years, the people of Agra built a magnificent palace to honor the commitment and sacrifices that Chandragupta had made. Gandhi, Nehru, and the other leaders of India regularly came to visit and pay their respects, and the palace soon became well known as a second center of India.

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Despite the passing of Chandragupta Maurya, the new era of peace was a time of growth and rebuilding for India. Settlers built new cities to fill in the empty lands that had been home to the once-depraved Romans, and the Indians were careful to avoid the hunting and fishing grounds that had corrupted the previous inhabitants. The first among these was Nagpur, built on a hill overlooking the eastern sea.

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Pisae and Pompeii, the cities that Caesar had given to India in the Treaty of Rome, were populated with vegetarians, but Gandhi felt they were not in good positions for growth. He asked their citizens to relocate to the new settlements, as well as work the land to make it more fertile and productive. When they were done, some of them settled in a new city and named it Bhopal.

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The Romans did not send out any new settlers during this time, as Caesar was still trying to recover from his most recent defeat. Yet once again news from a distant land reminded Gandhi that it was not just the Romans whom he had to worry about. Another of the Great Wonders had been constructed, and he hadn't the slightest clue what it looked like.

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Still, there was the point at the far west of the continent where Neapolis had once stood, at the very edge of the known world. The location was too good for Gandhi to pass up, although the city site had to be moved further inland so as to avoid accidentally harming the offshore fish community. On a nearby hill the Indians built the city of Pune, taking advantage of a defensive position against attacks from both land and sea.

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It was these first settlers at Pune that noticed a group of foreigners debarking from a small boat that had carried them here from the across the sea. They were fair-skinned like the Romans but they were clad in light blue instead of the Roman red. They spoke a language that sounded somewhat like the Latin that Caesar spoke, but many of the words sounded quite unfamiliar. Gandhi wondered who these new visitors were, and whether they came as friends... or as foes...

... to be continued

Great update Sima! Most definately worth waiting for!
:thumbsup:

Nice chapter!

:thumbsup:

I see light blue units and dark blue borders. Two new civs, eh? Hmm. The remaining civs are the Americans, English, Germans, and French. My guess is the LB guys are either the Americans or English. DB is probably Germany or France.

One word: COOL!

Yah, y' know, They're the French. Remember that it said that they language sounded like latin? German don't sound like latin, so it's FRENCH!

I didn't say that. I guessed the LB guys were America or England. English sounds kind of like latin too. Maybe SQ will tell us.

I hate to admit it, but I think I'm rooting for the AI (a lost cause I'm sure.) I like meat and cheese and any other food that can't get away quick enough before I eat it. Death to the Veg Heads!:evil:

Yeah I wonder why the Indians were so disgusted by cheese. It doesn't hurt the cow to make it (and cheese tastes good).

Some Vegetarians think it's offensive to molest an animal in any way, although a lot of Indians do drink milk, but they would never harm the cow for beef. I think if we weren't supposed to eat animals they wouldn't be made of meat! I also think many vegetarians are hypocrites as plant are alive, too. They don't care about killing them, but look down on us who do eat meat.

Oh forget it. Hmm. I'm hungry for a Cheeseburger right now (only kidding :lol:)

Im Chinese, and I hate burgers. (Any kind) I however, eat Korean barbacue. (And im serious.)

It has occured to me--what about Silk? Silk is produced by boiling the coccoons of the mulberry moth and other silkmoth species; this, of course, kills the pupa. Wu Di should have forbidden silk as well, which means (as far as the roleplay goes) that the leaderhead of a Vegetarian Vengeance variant would be as revolted by the use of silk as by the use of the other prohibited commodities.

Yeah! good point. Of course it's could be just another case of hypocrisy disregarding insect life but respecting mammals and fish.

Hehe, I think some of you can already tell that I myself am not a vegetarian, and this is my way of poking fun at the whole idea. (What kind of vegetarian would go around destroying cities, anyway?) I do know quite a few vegetarians and respect them very much, but none of them ever tried to push that agenda on me.

Just as a heads up, I might be a bit dormant for a while as far as this story goes, as things have gotten quite hectic. I've just started a new job working for a company that, oddly enough, is mentioned in two of the Civilopedia articles on modern age units. I won't have to travel much anymore (which means my visits to the small and great wonders are now on hold), but I'll still find myself in quite a bit of a squeeze with regard to free time.

Im Chinese, and I hate burgers. (Any kind) I however, eat Korean barbacue. (And im serious.)

I was trying to be funny. With the silks thing, there you have a point. However, that would be the only other resource that could be forbidden. Wu Di already said no forbidden strategic resources, and all the other bonus/luxury resources don't harm animals when they're harvested or mined or whatever. Maybe Sima should ask Wu Di about it. Then again, he might be mad if SQ bothers him.

I was just joking around, too. Although I am enjoying the story, I am not in favor of the protagonist (Ghandi, not Sima Qian the character or Sima Qian the author). I don't see a problem reading a book or story or watching a movie and not liking the main character. (Plus Ghandi is one of the worst hypocrites in the game, "were a peaceful people" and attack as soon as your 'back is turned'.)

[offtopic] For me Star Wars comes to mind because the movie was supposed to be about Luke but I always like Darth Vader and think Luke is a goober.[offtopic]

So to sum up, I'll stop spamming your thread now, good luck on your new job. :goodjob:

Yeah, the game has already started, we can't change the rules.

I don't normally like to meddle, but I had to point out a bit of an inconsistency here. :)
Sima Qian can play it out in any way that seems reasonable. :)

Sima, World Map please?

Great, a Mod deleted our Anti-Sima Qian posts. But will that keep us from posting them? No!

Actually, yes, it will.

choxorn - warned. Public discussion of moderator actions is not allowed.

Also, your sig is too long.

choxorn - 3 day ban, ignoring moderator warnings/continuing to spam.

carmen510, D'Artagnan59, warned, spam.

This is your final warning about spamming this thread. Continuing to spam it will result in tempbans.

Sorry Turner, but I need to ask, Sima Qian? When will the next update be? It's been a month and a half since your last update.

I also wish Sima would hurry up- that's why we spam this thread ;)
BTW, Turner, this isn't the only spammy thread on CFC...

Thread closed. Sima - when you want to do an update, PM me and I'll reopen it.

Carmen - Asking for an update is okay. Once. (And I realize you just asked the once.)

Choxorn - Warned again for spam. Be thankful it's not another ban. And while this is obviously not the only spammy thread on CFC, this one was brought to our attention.

People - think about this. Sima has been online, and has even posted, since the last update on this thread.

Thread re-opened by request of thread started.

Exactly one year after this closed? :faint:

You better have a long update for us Sima Qian. ;)

Thread re-opened by request of thread started.

What?? :confused:

Chapter 4: The Grocery Delivery Girl

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After they had accustomed themselves at Rome to the spectacles of the slaughter of animals, they proceeded to those of the slaughter of men, to the gladiators.

Michel de Montaigne (A.D. 1533-1592)

Without any warning, a gangplank had been lowered from the galley, and the seamen were hurriedly unloading crate after crate of supplies onto the shore. But unlike the small trading cogs that occasionally moored along the coast, these visitors brought a surprisingly large volume of cargo with them, and most of the packages seemed to contain basic necessities such as food and clothes rather than valuable commodities. Also, they seemed to be in no great hurry, whereas traveling merchants were generally quick to dispense their goods for a profit.

All of these observations only increased Mahatma Gandhi's curiosity about who these people were and why they had come. He dispatched Nehru to Pune to further investigate the situation, and upon his arrival, the strange visitors sensed that he was a person of importance and stopped all their activity to greet him.

He was confronted by a slender, fair-skinned figure covered from head to toe in chain-mail armor. Only the face was visible, where two cinnamon-brown eyes gazed innocently at him. Below them, a suspiciously bright, blood-red set of lips seemed to suggest that something unhealthy might have gone inside them.

Nehru frowned. The lips moved.

"Bonjour."

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The high-pitched voice startled Nehru, who suddenly realized he was before none other than Saint Joan d'Arc from the distant land of France. He had heard rumors of the young lady who dressed as a man, but he never expected her to show up here on the beaches of Pune. There he stood transfixed, until finally he managed to break his trance. "Namaste," he replied, bowing courteously. "Welcome to India."

Joan seemed equally surprised by this, and when Nehru raised his head again she shied away, looking nervously at her surroundings. Before long her eyes came to rest on the dotted brown line drawn upon the ground, clearly demarcating the Indian borders that she stood well within. "Ah... yes... pleased to meet you," she stammered, forcing a smile. "We would, uh, love to have a chance to, um... trade with your people."

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Little did Nehru know that this quick exchange had thwarted Joan's grand plan of establishing a colony on the Indo-Roman continent. He proceeded to show her the only valuables he had brought with him: a handful of gold coins and a faithful copy of the official world map that hung in the Great Library of Delhi. Joan, clearly unimpressed, offered only the territory map of France in return.

Apparently the French had spread out across much of the world already, and their landing by Pune was merely the latest of a series of steps in their colonial expansion. But despite the vast extent of their territory, the French cities seemed scattered, and it was after a fair amount of squinting that Nehru located the star symbol marking the capital of France, Lyons.

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None of this really mattered much, though, since Gandhi had explicitly stated his task to be finding out whether these newcomers were friendly or hostile. The longer Nehru examined the map, the more intrigued he became, since he could not find even the slightest trace of game or livestock on it. Could the French people really be vegetarians? he wondered.

"Let me have a look," interrupted a familiar voice from behind. The Mahatma himself had arrived.

While Gandhi studied the map, Nehru turned his attention back to Joan, whom he still wasn't yet willing to completely trust. She had removed her helmet now and was busy rearranging an entangled bundle of brown hair. One spot caught his eye, however: a single drop of blood crawling down her chin, leaving a trail that led back to her mouth. Nehru had seen this before, on the faces of the Roman savages of Ravenna and Hispalis, who ate their meat raw after each hunt. The Frenchwoman seemed to catch on to what he was observing and produced a handkerchief, wiping away the blood and leaving only an innocent look on her face.

"Nice try," said Gandhi coldly, tossing the map aside. "Now you better have a very good explanation for this, or else I advise that you all pack up and leave with haste."

"No, no, please don't misunderstand," cried Joan. "I, uh... I got a little seasick, you see, and had a little accident." She pulled aside a lock of hair, revealing a bruise on her forehead. "That was from, er... well I got a little dizzy, and happened to trip over one of the oars of the galley...."

To Gandhi, it seemed more plausible that someone had given her a sound beating, but he had no idea who could have been such a violent aggressor, particularly if she was a humble vegetarian as she claimed. But for the time being, he accepted her explanation at face value and assured her that she would be fine.

"Not so fast," interjected Nehru. "Tell me, what are those crates that you left here, cluttering the natural scenery of the shoreline?"

"Well, um, those are our supplies—er, no, no, gifts," stuttered Joan. "Yes, they are our gifts to you, an offering of friendship between France and India." She motioned to one of her men, who hauled forth one of the crates and opened it right in front of the Mahatma's eyes.

A pungent odor suddenly permeated the air. Inside the crate was a disorderly mess of green and yellow, red and brown, which upon closer inspection, turned out to be an assortment of fruits and vegetables, bread and pastries. It was obvious that they had been stuck in the hold of the French galley for far too long.

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As the Mahatma examined the contents, slowly convincing himself that it was free of animal products, Nehru uncovered a few other items of interest. One particularly bulky cargo container was mounted atop two wheels, and pulled by a horse that was harnessed to it. A sturdy young Frenchman rode atop the horse, and upon Nehru's inquiry, explained the workings of the device and assured him that no animals were harmed in the process.

"And don't forget," he added, chuckling loudly to himself. "Never put Descartes before de horse!"

The Indians, having achieved their mastery of mathematics long before the French, had not the slightest clue who in the world René Descartes was, and thus Nehru managed to escape the feeling of disgust at a horribly constructed pun. "I beg your pardon?" he asked sheepishly, but the cart driver had wisely decided against trying to be humorous again.

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He peered inside the crate and instantly knew why it had to be very heavy. It was filled to the brim with stacks and stacks of books, mostly philosophical and religious texts, including a few selections from Descartes himself. Clearly, the French were quite prolific in their literature, although a surprising amount of it was also written in Latin, the language of the Romans. Nehru was about to pick one to peruse when he felt a pat on his back.

"Save them for later," advised Gandhi. "Joan has kindly donated all of these to the Great Library."

Though the Mahatma had no qualms about welcoming the guests from France, the residents of Pune felt somewhat uneasy about settling the area just before the French could do so themselves. Nehru was worried that after showing Joan his map, she might seek to build a permanent settlement further to the southeast, where some territory was still marked as unclaimed. He directed the remaining settlers from the north to fill in the gaps as quickly as possible in anticipation of any unexpected moves by the French. Two new cities, the fishing village of Vishakhapatnam and the mountain retreat of Imphal, soon were added to the land of India.

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Word spread quickly about the arrival of the French and the lavish gifts they had bestowed upon India. Not to be outdone be Joan, Julius Caesar dispatched Lucullus, his most talented culinary expert, to Delhi with a sumptuous set of Roman dishes, cooked with the highest grade vegetables and purest seasonings that the imperial kitchen could offer. There he opened the first Roman restaurant in all of India, the Horti Lucullani, where the food became so popular that virtually all of the Indian dignitaries regularly dined there. In fact, it was not long before the Horti Lucullani became the primary point of contact between Indian and Roman diplomats.

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Shortly thereafter, Lucullus instituted a new policy at his establishment: only gold and silver coins would be accepted as legal tender for any services rendered. But although India's treasury was on sound financial footing, the common people were not particularly well off. Caesar, eager to earn every last coin he could, decided to send a delegation of currency experts to Delhi to oversee the construction of new mint facilities. The Horti Lucullani experienced some modest revenue growth, but nowhere near the surge that Rome expected. In fact, the main difference was that the same senior officials who frequented it before continued to comprise the majority of the clientele, only now they tended to order some of the more exotic and expensive dishes.

It seemed that India's new wealth was not trickling down to the masses, and this grew more apparent as whispers of unrest were heard from the less privileged citizens. In fact, anyone literate would be a fool not to complain, since in addition to the knowledge of currency, Caesar had delivered something extra to the Great Library: a collection of treatises and essays by prominent French and Roman political philosophers and social commentators. The message was clear that there were far better ways of running the country.

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Mahatma Gandhi thought he could delay the inevitable by dismissing any staff caught hanging around at the Horti Lucullani when there was real work to be done, but the people had already made up their mind. They were fed up with corrupt officials being replaced by incompetent ones and vice versa. The first ever popular elecions in the history of India swept most of the incumbents out of office, though Gandhi and Nehru were respected enough to remain. "The Indian people have spoken," proclaimed the Mahatma, "and they want transparency, accountability, and good vegetarian food for all!"

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And thus, in the year 800 AD, the Republic of India was born.

... to be continued

Yes! You continued it!

FINALLY! :goodjob:

ThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouTh ankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThan kyouThankyou!!! :thanx: :thanx: :thanx:

Hmm. Earlier I thought Rome was Light Red...

I guess my eyes have something wrong with them? :crazyeye:

Hmm. Interesting- Paris and Orleans are missing. I guess whoever controls the black civ (I can see black borders near French cities) has something to do with it?

I assume the black civ is Germany, since Germany was Black in Project Kaguya.

I also see a blue city south of Rouen. Could you show us that city so we know if blue is America or England?

This is great!!!!!

:thanx: :thanx: :thanx: :thanx: :thanx:

Hey, Sima, how often do you think you can post updates now?

Oh, and in case you don't already know, the current picture limit per post is 20.

A good return, and happy to have you back. I hope your new job worked out ok.

Hey, we want more updates, you know...

Sima, give us updates! Or we will open teh Spam Gates!

That seriously is agressive vegitarianism. Great work!

Sima, it has now been 68 days and you haven't even posted here...

Come on, at least tell us why there's been nothing from you IN 3 MONTHS!!!

It's kind of odd how he posted his first two stories in an extremely short time, and this one has been going on for what, a year and a half?

I just finished reading all of the stories, great work, hope this one will get completed :goodjob:

Chapter 5: There Ain't No Such Thing as a Free Lunch

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You have just dined, and, however scrupulously the slaughter-house is concealed in the graceful distance of miles, there is complicity....

Ralph Waldo Emerson (A.D. 1803-1882)


Joan of Arc had failed her primary objective of colonizing southern India, but before boarding the galley to return to Lyons, she ordered a few of her people to remain to staff a small vegetarian bistro in Delhi, which she named "La Cuisinière." Initially their offerings were quite modest, and many of their recipes were borrowed from the Horti Lucullani, except with slightly lower-grade ingredients mixed in. The most famous salad connoisseurs in India scoffed at their menus, so for a long time the bistro barely managed to survive by keeping their prices low and occasionally giving away free samples to attract new customers, who arrived in droves to taste them but usually were less willing to open up their pocketbooks.

Gradually, however, Mahatma Gandhi noticed that every person who did dine at La Cuisinière was bound to visit again, and after each meal would emerge from the entrance, somewhat dazed and staggering with each step. Clearly the mediocre food is not what's bring back repeat customers, he reasoned. Without Indian spices mixed in, it's far too bland to hide anything unnatural in it. Perhaps this has something to do with their drinks? Upon closer inspection, the burgundy-colored liquid that the waitresses were pouring certainly looked suspicious.

He motioned to one of them and asked to see the manager, who was an unremarkable chef but turned out to be an expert in the beverage department. The man introduced himself as Nicolas-Alexandre, Marquis de Ségur, and before Gandhi could protest he had filled a glass of the bubbling concoction and shoved it in front of his face. "Have a drink," he said. "Compliments of La Cuisinière."

The Mahatma declined, fearing he might set a bad example for other members of his government who were not as averse to accepting gifts and bribes from foreign nationals. He did, however, learn from the Marquis that the beverage was called wine, and that it was not made from the blood and tears of animals but out of fermented grapes from the finest vineyards of France. It had a curious intoxicating effect, he learned, that many people simply found irresistible. When Nicolas-Alexandre suggested that he visit the vineyards himself, Gandhi was interested enough to accept.

The Marquis led him through the rows and rows of vines, carefully describing the different techniques to cultivate them for the best taste and quality. They were very lush and well-tended, and Gandhi was impressed by how neat and meticulous the French people were. Surely we have much to learn from them, he thought.

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Presently they came to the edge of the vineyard, in front of a tall and majestic building adorned with sculptures and a belfry. "This," said the Marquis, "is the Cathedral of Notre-Dame de Reims. Be very quiet as you enter." Gandhi had to squint to see in the dim light that managed to pass through the stained glass windows, but he could discern two figures by the altar at the end of the room. One was a stranger, clad in a bright red robe, holding a glass of wine and a loaf of bread. The other was kneeling and facing away from the entrance, but Gandhi had no trouble recognizing Joan of Arc.

He was about to approach when Nicolas-Alexandre put a finger over his mouth an whispered, "Not right now." Stepping outside together, the Marquis explained to him that this was an elaborate ritual performed in honor of an ancient martyr, where the wine and bread were symbolic of his blood and flesh that had been sacrificed. To the Mahatma, this sounded quite strange, even mildly disturbing, but in spite of all this he could not find any evidence that animals were harmed in this process, so he decided not to pursue the matter any further. On the other hand, he did like the idea of having splendid facilities for everyone to worship, socialize and enjoy good vegetarian food, so he ordered every city in India to build cathedrals as well.

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Stopping by the port of Cumae on his way home, Gandhi eagerly told Julius Caesar of what he had learned on his trip. "Hah!" scoffed the Roman leader. "The French do these things because they lose wars. A full stomach and a keg of wine can make them forget any kind of humiliation they have suffered." Before Gandhi could think of any possible enemy that could have defeated the French, Caesar gestured toward the barracks and continued, "We, of course, know better than that. The legions of Rome are always well-trained and ready to crush any rival that challenges us."

The Indo-Roman war, though an overwhelming victory for India, was ancient history now, and Gandhi wondered what made Caesar so confident now. As he observed the Roman soldiers practicing their skills in the archery range, he came to realize that their weapons were not ordinary bows. They were considerably longer and seemed to fire more accurately and forcefully. Caesar pulled one of the arrows out of a target board, revealing that it had penetrated nearly half its entire length. "A souvenir," he said, presenting it to the Mahatma. "All yours."

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Gandhi resolved to acquire these powerful new weapons for India immediately, so upon his return to Delhi, he handed this task to his able assistant, Jawaharlal Nehru. It turned out to be relatively simple: he bought a few bottles of champagne from La Cuisinière and left them at the entrance to the Horti Lucullani, and by the time he had finished his meal, every guard Lucullus had posted was sound asleep and fully disarmed. In fact, Nehru had so cleverly arranged this such that it appeared the French were at fault, causing a diplomatic row between Rome and Lyons, and only after Gandhi intervened to prevent his two vegetarian comrades from taking up arms did they reconcile. After all, with India's newly upgraded military, they were more inclined to cooperate.

Nehru even had sufficient time to pick up the latest gossip from the Horti Lucullani and La Cuisinière, including news of great projects in faraway places. Neither the French nor the Romans seemed to be making much progress, and at times he wondered if India was falling further behind the other unknown civilizations out there. Perhaps they also drew their strength from vegetarian diets, complete with lush vegetables, juicy fruits, and exotic spices, all of which they would readily trade to bring better health and nutrition to Indian dinner tables.

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Or perhaps not. The monsoons had certainly not been kind to seafarers around India. For it was here that Nehru also heard strange tales of mysterious shipwrecks, leaving broken fragments of wood, as well as traces of unknown cargo, scattered along the shoreline. Upon further investigation, some of the remnants were indeed quite suspicious. A piece of netting entangled with kelp, a bone too large to be from one of the unfortunate victims, a shred of wrapping paper stained with blood. But there were no survivors for him to interrogate, and not even any marks or symbols on the wood that could help identify who owned the ship and where they could have come from.

Not wanting to disturb the peace, Nehru avoided bringing up the topic with Gandhi, instead posting lookouts at various locations along the coast to keep an eye on any unidentified vessels. Sporadically, he received reports of other interesting sightings: a tattered azure blue sail torn to shreds by the wind, a shattered barrel coated with a strange sticky grease, a battered chopping board full of grooves from many knife cuts. The clues were building up, and though there was not enough to point a finger at anybody, Nehru knew that the genie could not be kept in the bottle for long.

Finally, one windy day in 1190 AD, a ship much larger than any that India had known appeared on the horizon south of Pune, flying a flag of the same azure blue color as the sail that had washed ashore earlier. Clearly it was neither a French nor a Roman vessel. It appeared to be wobbling precariously between the billows, struggling to remain afloat. Further in the distance, ominous gray clouds were steadily building up, indicating that conditions were only getting worse.

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For a while Nehru contemplated simply letting the forces of nature play their part, as if in fear of the ship bringing the storm along with it to the Indian coast. Then a light appeared on the deck, then another, blinking at regular intervals, apparently a signal for help. It drew closer and closer, steadily edged by the waves toward the rocky coast, until he finally decided he could not fight his sense of morality any longer. He raised his hand to call for attention, opened his mouth, and fell silent as the faint but unmistakable tap-tap-tap of a walking stick punctuated the air.

"So this is what you have brought me here to see, Netaji?" asked the Mahatma, pointing his cane at the teetering masts in the distance. Beside him stood a stocky, bespectacled man that Nehru recognized as Subhas Chandra Bose, one of the officers he had assigned to the shoreline patrol. Without informing his superiors first, Bose had leaked the information about the ship sighting to the public, causing enough of a stir that Gandhi himself had come to investigate. Nehru nodded in embarrassment, acknowledging Gandhi's presence, and made a mental note to be more careful around Bose in the future.

"Precisely," answered Bose. "What do you suggest we do about this?"

"Bring them ashore, Netaji," said the Mahatma, again calling Bose by his nickname. "We cannot let India's reputation be ruined by ignoring a few unfortunate guests." Within moments, rescue boats were launched toward the embattled ship, ready to take on its crew. They were followed by tugboats, which towed what was left of the wooden framework toward the shore.

The first to debark was a rather plump elderly gentleman who sported a white beard and a surprisingly cheerful expression for someone who had gone through such a predicament. "Captain Harland Sanders of the USS Kentucky," he introduced himself. "I bring greetings on behalf of President Abraham Lincoln of the United States of America. We've been trying to track down one of our other lost ships, the Long John Silver, but the weather really hasn't been friendly to us this time."

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"The monsoon is a harsh mistress," sighed Gandhi. "I wish you luck in your search, but please stay and rest for a while. You have certainly had a hard time at sea."

"Hold on," interrupted Bose. "Even though you have come here by accident, our policy is to perform a customs inspection of all vessels that land here. Now, if you will cooperate, we ask that you show us what you have brought along."

Nehru winced as Captain Sanders opened up the hatch that led into the hold. An unpleasant, musty odor emerged as Bose went in with several men. Presently they emerged, carrying some seemingly random goods they had found: a wooden keg labeled "DANGER," a shield adorned with a red cross, a strange musical instrument with alternating black and white keys, an intricate device with circles and stars engraved upon it, a bundle of papers marked with the words "Federal Reserve Note," and several stacks of books.

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But then Bose clambered up onto the deck with a puzzled look on his face, holding up one final item he had discovered on the ship: a single tail feather of a cock.

"Can you explain what this is?" he asked the captain.

"Why, that must be from one of them fine roosters we just delivered over to Memphis," replied Sanders. "Too bad we don't have any extra, or else we'd gladly give you some for free."

"Free? Seriously? But what would we do with them?"

"Oh, you keep them around for a while. Feed them some corn and seeds, maybe even give them a little house to live in. But then when the time comes, you—"

Nehru suddenly cut him off. "What's that paper you're holding? Let me see it." It turned out to be a map of all the American territories, and after some brief haggling over the price, he managed to secure a purchase. But before he got a good look, Bose snatched it out of his hands.

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"Netaji!" shouted Gandhi. "This is not how you treat your superiors!" But Bose stood there, eyes wide open, pointing at various points on the map. He showed them to the Mahatma, whose expression first changed to disbelief, then to complete and utter disgust.

Turning to the American, he said, "Captain Sanders, in accordance with Indian customs regulations, we are confiscating all your cargo and impounding it indefinitely. You will be allowed to stay until repairs to your ship are complete, then you must leave and not return."

"Whaaat?" screamed Sanders. "You can't do this! There ain't no such thing as a free lunch, ya know. You will pay for this, in some way or another." He then produced another document from his coat. "Look here. This is an American-Indian Free Trade Agreement. President Lincoln asked me to get this signed if I ever made contact with India. You've got to at least agree to this—"

"I will have none of it," snapped Gandhi. "You take your worthless papers back to America; we don't want any of your rotten meat products in our markets."

Sanders muttered something incomprehensible while Nehru drew him aside. "Perhaps I need to make this clear for you," he said. "A state of war now exists between our country and yours. There is no way we can condone your heinous practices, so please try reasoning with us again after you have ended them. Now be gone."

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Shortly thereafter, a weary and jaded Nehru stumbled through the gates of La Cuisinière, ready for a full night of drinking. Certainly, the encounter with the Kentucky had netted a respectable set of goods and technologies that were now on display at the Great Library, but he knew that the way Sanders had been so viciously rebuffed ensured that nobody would ever again come to Indian shores prepared to present anything of value. There is indeed no free lunch, he thought. And this war is the price we pay. He poured himself another glass, but it was gently pulled away from him before he could drink. There stood Nicolas-Alexandre, who told him, "You've had too much for tonight. What's the matter?"

Nehru motioned to the Marquis, indicating that he come closer. "The enemy is here," he whispered. "And the enemy is very strong." He paused, then asked, "Are you prepared?"

Nicolas-Alexandre nodded. "Joan also knew that this day would eventually come. Rest assured that we will come to your aid."

"Thank you," said Nehru. He left an unusually generous tip on the table and added, "Tell Joan of Arc I wish her well."

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He then trudged down the block to the Horti Lucullani, only to be confronted by a confused Lucullus. "You won't believe how rude the customer that just came through here earlier was," complained the Roman. "He didn't bother to order anything, but instead demanded an audience with Julius Caesar. I told him to get lost, but he managed to push his way through the guards into the private banquet hall."

Nehru raised an eyebrow. "Who was this person? What did he look like?"

"An Indian military officer," responded Lucullus. "The guests here that recognized him called him Netaji something-or-other, I can't pronounce it."

Suddenly the banquet hall doors burst open right in front of them, nearly knocking them off their feet. A jolly-looking Julius Caesar strode out, flanked by none other than Subhas Chandra Bose. "Of course we can help you," chuckled the Roman leader. "With an offer like the one you made, how can we possibly refuse?"

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Lucullus stared blankly at Nehru. "You know him? Seems like he caught on really well with the boss."

Who does this guy think he is? wondered Nehru. I never gave him any authority over foreign policy decisions! But in spite of his underhanded techniques, Bose had indeed gotten something done. The ally he secured in Rome would be crucial to the upcoming struggle.

Nehru sighed again, but this time with relief. There was a war to be fought, and India had every intention to win it.

... to be continued

Hurrah, we've finally got another update. Spread the word of vegetarianism everywhere!

Yay! FINALLY, ANOTHER UPDATE!!! :)

With one update every six months, you might just finish this story by 2020. :p

Can we see the American territory map and the evil cities? BURN, MEAT-EATERS, BURN!

Of course, this alliance means you may have to declare war on the French and/or Romans when they capture one of the evil cities. :rolleyes:

FINALLY :D Now America is going to die... slowly for eating meat :evil:

I am actually vegetarian myself, so I find this story all the more entertaining just for that. :)

Huzzah! An update! BTW, Sima, how long does it take to create an update, without any distractions?

I read all three stories, but the first one has to be my favorite. This one is good also, please update soon.

With one update every six months, you might just finish this story by 2020. :p

Can we see the American territory map and the evil cities? BURN, MEAT-EATERS, BURN!

Hey, it took me a whole year to write the previous update. This one only took me 6 months! If you're lucky, you'll be able to see the next one in 3 months :)

I'm glad that there's still people reading this thread. In all honesty though, it'll still be slow from this point on. I'm way too busy playing other (http://files.myopera.com/zomg/blog/outsidecj0.jpg) games (http://www.gamespot.com/gamespot/features/all/gamespotting/071103minusworld/1.html) (quite poorly, I might add), so it's really hard to find time for my Civ addiction. I wrote most of the last installment while sitting on a train....

In the meantime, I'll dangle a minimap in front of you just to whet your appetite:

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other (http://files.myopera.com/zomg/blog/outsidecj0.jpg)
That game is the best! ;)

Hmm. I am unfamiliar with this "Real Life" you speak of.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Warning. Spam gate #1 has been opened. Please post update before the other gates open.

SPAM GATE IS NOW CLOSED!

If I see additional spam before update, violators will be eaten.

Chapter 6: Big Mac's Big Attack

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See, now's the time of the meal when you start getting the McStomach ache. You start getting the McTummy. You get the McGurgles in there. You get the McBrick, then you get the McStomach ache. Right now I've got some McGas that's rockin'. My arms... I feel like I've got some McSweats goin'. My arms got the McTwitches going in here from all the sugar that's going in my body right now. I'm feeling a little McCrazy.

Morgan Spurlock (A.D. 1970 - present)


The hastily repaired USS Kentucky had scarcely left Pune harbor when the order to rearm was heard. Across the continent, workshops stepped up their production of longbows and muskets, and all military personnel from Jaipur to Bhopal were put on high alert. Jawaharlal Nehru traveled from city to city, urging them to the hurry up their construction projects so that new troops could be trained. Though the Americans would have to cross the sea to attack, India's pitiful lack of a coast guard meant that nobody could predict when and where they would strike. All Nehru could do was brace for the inevitable invasion.

But instead of any immediate offensive, it seemed that Lincoln had directed his energy elsewhere. In Mumbai and Madurai, rumors were heard about massive animal sacrifices accompanied by extravagant feasts of steak and turkey, ostensibly held to rally the American people. Caesar and Joan reported sightings of barges in the port of Memphis being loaded with the decaying hulks of hunted whales, but neither could confirm their purpose. In time, however, it became clear what the President was up to: a culture war.

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News of these events sent a chill down Nehru's spine, as he recognized that the Americans were very advanced. "We are no longer facing some bathrobe-wearing pansy," he cautioned Gandhi. "America has both the capacity and the will to wipe us out."

But the Mahatma simply nodded in acknowledgment, as though there wasn't much to worry about. He pulled up the map of the American continent again, marking the locations of all the cattle ranches, fishing wharfs, and hunting grounds. "The average American eats 20 servings of meat every week," he explained. "With a diet like that, they're bound to have all kinds of problems. They're obviously being overworked now, so we'll have no trouble handling any exhausted troops they manage to dump on our beaches. I bet many of them will get seasick before they even arrive."

"Where did you hear that?" asked Nehru.

Gandhi reached into a drawer and produced a crumpled sheet of red paper, which he carefully unfolded to reveal a series of images with labels listed with numerals to the side. At the top of the sheet was a symbol similar to the Roman letter "M" written in a blatant egg-yolk yellow ink.

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"This," said the Mahatma, "is a menu from McDonald's, the most successful chain restaurant in all of America. You would not believe the kind of unscrupulous business practices they have, but that is not my point. Just look at what kind of garbage they feed their customers!"

Aside from one side dish known as "French fries," which Nehru presumed was introduced to America by the vegetarian people of France, there was not a single option on the menu that he did not find morally insulting. Most of the images depicted sandwiches, but quite a different kind from the ones that the Romans used to eat. In fact, they had an entirely different name: "burgers." Instead of the lean, thin-sliced bologna and salami that had been the casus belli between Rome and India, these American burgers contained thick patties of beef that had been fried to a deep brown and were dripping with grease, immediately contaminating the single lettuce leaf that was the only vegetable offering in the stack. Elsewhere, there were variations on this theme, sometimes in the form of chicken, other times replaced with fish, but the end result was equally revolting to Nehru. "How can the Americans stomach such a thing?" he wondered aloud. "Not only is it pointlessly wasteful of life, but eating this kind of junk would cause an instant heart-attack."

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"You are quite right," said Gandhi, handing him another sheet of paper. "Now take a look at this report, prepared by a team of expert nutritional chemists from the University of Delhi."

Nehru stared at it in disbelief. "A thousand calories in a sandwich—that's absolutely horrendous! And look at all that sodium and cholesterol... just the thought of it makes me sick."

"And now you understand why we have very little to fear," assured Gandhi. "Then they fight you. Then you win."

Perhaps this was why the Americans didn't immediately invade the Indian homeland, but instead focused on smaller prizes. In 1250 AD, Abraham Lincoln promulgated the Marinara Doctrine, which boldly claimed suzerainty over the high seas, suggesting that American forces would scoop up any outlying islands like meatballs from a plate of spaghetti. While the American navy could quite plausibly follow through on such a threat, Gandhi had little reason to be concerned, as India had never ventured beyond the continent. Julius Caesar scoffed at the ignorance of the Americans, noting that nobody in Rome had put meatballs on pasta for over 700 years. "How dare that fool use the name of my marinara sauce in vain," he snickered, feigning offense. "If Lincoln were ever to visit Rome, I would bury him under an avalanche of tomatoes and olive oil."

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Only Joan of Arc was in a state of panic, as France had the most to lose if America took such an action. The isolated colony of Rouen was practically in the same bowl of soup as the American settlements at Denver, Cincinnati, and Memphis. "I must defend my people!" declared Joan as she began recruiting knights and swordsmen to the cause, only to find that she had no way to transport them there once ready, as Nicolas-Alexandre had just taken the last caravel out of Lyons harbor with a shipment of Bordeaux wine intended to calm the fears of French colonists. She would have cursed, but instinctively she clutched the cross around her neck and instead reminded herself that God would side with the vegetarians for sure.

By the time he completed the voyage, the Nicolas-Alexandre did not find himself welcomed by desperate French citizens, but instead a stern military officer clad in a neat, periwinkle blue uniform. He introduced himself as General Ulysses S. Grant, thanked the Marquis for the free delivery of goods with which he could reward his troops, and then promptly ordered the ship to leave. Rouen had fallen.

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A despondent Joan of Arc lamented the first major defeat in the war against America, unable to do anything but kneel at the altar of Notre-Dame, contemplating how the heavens could have forsaken her. Perhaps this was just a test of my resolve, she thought, and so long as I have faith, we shall be victorious. And suddenly, as if someone was reading her mind, a voice echoed through the cathedral: "Indeed."

Two men had entered the hall, the first being the Marquis de Ségur, who turned to the other red-clad figure and implored, "But, Your Eminence, we need a strategy!"

"Cardinal Richelieu, what a fine moment for you to arrive," remarked Joan. "Please, tell us how we can recover from this tragedy."

The Cardinal stroked his beard for a moment, then said, "We cannot win this war against the Americans alone. Lincoln feels that he can flex his military muscle here because he does not fear retaliation from our allies, who currently are, shall I say, underpowered." Here he paused, letting the final word reverberate throughout the hall. Joan nodded in tacit agreement.

"We must support our allies, particularly the Indians, in a way such that they can also share some of our maritime responsibilities," continued Richelieu. "Thus far they have been unwilling to commit to any kind of naval activity, but I am willing to believe this might not be out of cowardice. Rather, they are simply somewhat uncertain of their ability to navigate the high seas, and so I suggest we provide them some guidance in this regard—of course, not without asking for some compensation as well."

Within moments, Nicolas-Alexandre found himself assigned to carry out this negotiation, presenting the plan to a skeptical Nehru during a dinner at La Cuisinière. While the Marquis knew deep down that India was paying much more than France in this exchange, he was counting on Gandhi's friendship and cooperative spirit to make the deal work. Eventually, the two reached an agreement.

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Still, this would not be the end of Joan's troubles. Shortly thereafter, Lincoln dispatched his second-best commander, General Robert E. Lee, who seized the poorly defended southern French outpost at Chartres. French knights were ordered to retake the city, and this time the caravel Fougasse was ready and waiting in Marseilles to ferry them across the channel. However, en route to the Île-de-Chartres it was discovered that no horses had been brought along, as the supply from the offshore pastures had been cut off by the Americans. Upon realizing this, many of these knights, who were mostly sons of noble blood, refused to fight like ordinary foot soldiers and instead openly mutinied.

Under such pressure, the crewmen were forced to turn back, only to come face to face with the USS White Castle, which had suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Within a few rounds, all that remained of the Fougasse were a few shattered boards, on which a handful of struggling knights clung, desperately trying to stay afloat while cursing the heavy chain mail armor that weighted them down.

Greatly embarrassed, Joan had no choice but to call off the attack. Her anxiety soon turned to horror as American frigates began to line up on the horizon not far from Marseilles. Under threat of invasion of mainland France, she had no choice but to agree to a separate peace, formally forfeiting all claims to Rouen and Chartres.

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In Delhi, Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose was the first to denounce this as a failure of Nehru's foreign policy. "Those French good-for-nothings, the first thing they do when facing some minor difficulty is surrender," he sneered. "When you talk to them they act tough, but when it comes time to battle they'll simply shrivel up like a rotten grape." Mahatma Gandhi hushed him before the insult could be publicized, but he heard Bose's second, hidden message quite clearly: that in spite of being only two cities strong, the Romans were much more reliable allies.

Nehru was quick to defend his actions. "This is no big deal, they're simply faltering over a lack of a few horses," he explained. "We just to need to give France a minor boost, as well as urge Joan to instill a bit more discipline in her troops." Bose scowled but did not respond.

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Yet even though the French were brought back into the alliance, it seemed that the Americans were only getting started. Having successfully established dominance over the seas, Lincoln next turned to the Indian mainland. Grant suggested to begin the attack at Jaipur, which was on a vulnerable northern peninsula within easy reach of American forces, but Lee argued vehemently that Pune must be taken first, in order to deny India the sea passageway that led to France. In the end, Lincoln could not decide between the two alternatives and sided with a third option presented by the Army chief, General George B. McClellan.

Known as "Big Mac" to his men, McClellan was quite popular among the American soldiers and seemed a natural fit for leading the charge against India. But he also fancied being a grand strategist and thought he had a better plan: eliminate the Romans once and for all. Just two little towns can't put up that much of a resistance, he reasoned. With a minimal amount of effort, we can dispose of one-third of the enemy alliance. The President gave his approval, but Grant and Lee were snubbed and both of them came up with excuses to avoid supporting McClellan in the invasion.

In 1355 AD, McClellan landed a massive invasion force of knights, longbowmen, and swordsmen along the shore beside Monte Cassino, preparing to first destroy the Roman iron mines, thereby severely crippling Rome's war economy. A lone spear-wielding lookout named Cincinnatus stood atop the summit, and immediately upon seeing the Americans he alerted not only Caesar but also Lucullus, sensing that time was not on his side. Lucullus was aware that much of the Roman military was away on offshore training exercises, but felt there were sufficient auxiliary forces, mostly musketmen, to defend the cities. Still, he was unwilling to take any risks with regard to the invaders, and decided it was time to ask for reinforcements.

Meeting at the Horti Lucullani, Bose could not have been any less enthusiastic. "India will gladly come to your aid," he promised Lucullus. "We have been preparing for this moment for years, and now the time is ripe for us to let out our pent-up rage. Let the Americans tremble in fear!"

Indeed, before dawn the morning the American camp was woken by a low rumbling sound in the distance. At first, McClellan thought it was an approaching thunderstorm, but with a clear sky above he could not explain the situation. Then he noticed that tree branches were shaking slightly, even though there was hardly any wind. Was this the drum roll of the enemy? he thought. He nervously scanned the horizon, watching for signs of activity, when he eventually pinpointed a cloud of dust rising from behind a hill. Something dangerous was closing in.

Guided by Cincinnatus, Indian forces had arrived at the base of Monte Cassino, with the vanguard led by the most fearsome fighters ever known, the mighty war elephant. Suddenly, a deafening trumpeting sound blasted through the air. Startled, McClellan mounted his horse and urged his men to prepare for battle. He had hardly fit his feet into the stirrups when a stampede of elephants tore through the camp, crushing everything in their path. Amid the terrified screams of falling Americans, McClellan drew his sword, snapped his whip, and charged—instantly colliding with an angry pachyderm, upon whose tusks he found himself impaled.

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Big Mac's big attack was routed in moments, with a victorious India now more determined than ever to seek vengeance from America. Cincinnatus was hailed as a hero of the Roman Republic, leading a triumphal parade in the streets of Rome, while an emboldened Caesar climbed atop Monte Cassino, taunting the President on the other side of the sea. But amid the victory celebrations, it was Lucullus alone who knew of how close disaster had come. He drifted away after only a few bowls of fruit and goblets of wine, knowing that his work was not finished. There was more he had to do to ensure a crisis like this would never happen again.

Of course, he was still a fine chef. And as everyone in the civilized world knew, good vegetarian food has no trouble finding good friends.

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... to be continued

Another update! :woohoo:

Wow, 9 months? Not bad.

"Marinara Doctrine?" :lol:

but eating this kind of junk would cause an instant heart attack!

No offense but, wouldn't it be funny if it was a McHeart Attack? Because that would also be funny if it was in that thing on the top.

No offense but, wouldn't it be funny if it was a McHeart Attack?

Perhaps you are right. The real instant heart attack is located in Phoenix, Arizona (http://www.heartattackgrill.com/) [WARNING: disturbing images, audio], crossing lines that even Ronald MacDonald wouldn't dare.

Unfortunately, in this game I don't think the Americans will make it that far down their list of city names to get to Phoenix, or else Gandhi would certainly have an appropriate method to dispose of this place.

Great, now I'm hooked on this story.

Praise for the witty and humorous use of historical figures and IRL topics ("Big Mac Attack"... I nearly :rotfl:'d)

I look forward to the next installment... the Americans certainly have a steep culture advantage. I can't believe they got all of those wonders in such short order. Guess there's something to be said for the Coca-Cola-Culture :p

lol... good one, Sharwood
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V

Just signing up, so I get notified in three years when the next update is due.

Just wanna know, is this story still active? It hasn't been posted for months? Right when the story was becoming good. It is a good story though...

Now Now, we haven't hit the six month mark yet. Be patient. ;)

Well, the AI completely trounced me this time. I'm afraid this game has been a crushing defeat. End of report.


http://imgur.com/D6CKL.png

APRIL FOOLS!! :p

Looks like America is even powerful in the game! You can try again... Or post a final chapter.

Nice try, Sima, but no one is fooled after what WeazelOp Did. :p

So funny I forgot to LOL

So, any chance of an update this year? :D

Chapter 7: Chicken of the Sea

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No member of the animal kingdom nurses past maturity
No member of the animal kingdom ever did a thing 2 me
It's why I don't eat red meat or white fish
Don't give me no blue cheese
We're all members of the animal kingdom
Leave your brothers and sisters in the sea

Prince (A.D. 1958 - present)


Captain Harland D. Sanders paced back and forth along the deck of the U.S.S. Kentucky, carefully inspecting the damage. The retrofitted caravel had just barely escaped an encounter with an unidentified pirate ship, but even though he only caught a glimpse of the enemy crew, Sanders was pretty sure they were pale-skinned men that didn't look too different from his own countrymen, and certainly not Indians. While the attack had clearly shaken him badly, he was relieved that India, it appeared, had not yet committed to building up a navy to challenge American control of the seas.

For a while now, all he had to fear were the occasional attacks from privateers, of which he suspected some were secretly sponsored by hostile states. Recently he began to hear of sightings of enemy warships, not all of which flew the crimson standard of Rome or the teal banner of France, and increasing reports of disruption of supply convoys to the outlying islands. Robert E. Lee had sent a message to Lincoln demanding more reinforcements, but after McClellan's fiasco, the President was loath to renew the southern offensive, leaving the general fuming in his isolated base at Memphis.

The United States was now at war with the rest of the world, and the American people were becoming more and more anxious about the lack of favorable reports from the front lines. As casualties mounted and equipment continued to be lost or abandoned, Lincoln decided to get creative about managing the nation's resources. At the suggestion of treasury secretary Salmon P. Chase, he initiated the Scrapping Program for Assorted Metals (SPAM) to collect old or broken metal tools and equipment, with a particular focus on iron to forge into swords, shields, and armor. The move was supported by various blacksmiths' guilds around the country over the muffled protests from a few scattered chefs and restaurant operators who feared it would become more difficult to replace their frying pans and barbecue grills. Additionally, many canned food producers were forced to seek other business opportunities, but one, Hormel, managed to use its lobbying influence within the administration to secure an exemption, presumably for its "instrumental role in supplying rations to the troops."

Among those feeling the pinch was Sanders himself, whose chain of family-owned restaurants were struggling to survive. For several years his patrons had been complaining about price hikes and the increasingly bland taste of his signature Kentucky fried chicken, though he was unwilling to admit it. Secretly, he knew the real reason for this: his lifeline depended on a mix of exotic spices native to India that could only be imported from abroad. The trickle from foreign smugglers was drying up as the shipping lanes became more unsafe, the prices in the black market were skyrocketing, and now with SPAM interfering with his kitchen equipment suppliers, business could only get worse.

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While there was no way to predict how his military career would advance, Captain Sanders knew one thing for sure: he would not let himself be ruined financially. He had to get his hands on some more of the vital ingredients in his recipes, no matter at what cost, trading with the enemy notwithstanding. His patrol and convoy assignments gave him opportunities to approach foreign shores without much oversight. And this is how, strange as it would seem, he found himself on a passage to India with the goal of negotiating a cease-fire.

Night had fallen by the time the slowly disintegrating hull of the Kentucky ran aground north of Mumbai. As they disembarked, torches and signal lights began to appear in the distance, the former of which steadily converge upon their presence. Before long, an Indian night patrol had located Sanders and his crew and took them to the garrison, where Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose was in charge.

"This is the second time you have wrecked your ship in our territorial waters," said Bose condescendingly. "What is the matter with you now?"

"I come to speak with Gandhi and Gandhi only," replied Sanders. "In private," he added, in case that somehow got lost in translation.

Bose muttered something inaudible to an aide, then said, "Very well. I shall see if the Mahatma is willing to grant you an audience, but in the meantime your crew will remain here under close supervision. Don't even think about doing anything stupid." He gestured, and two soldiers escorted the captain on his way.

"Inspect the wreckage," ordered Bose. The remains of the Kentucky were summarily dismantled, and while most of the cargo was lost in the darkness, a few metal spheres were recovered from the hold. He pulled one of the captive crew members by his collar. "Care to explain what this is?"

"That's a cannonball. We fire them from our cannons at ships as well as troop formations, if you understand."

"Well then, if you understand, these balls are now the property of the Republic of India. Your further cooperation may earn you better treatment in our prisoner-of-war camp."

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Mahatma Gandhi happened to be in town and was quite eager to see a familiar face. "How are you doing now, Mr. Sanders?" he greeted his visitor. "I see that you have been quite busy lately."

"Yes, yes indeed," replied Sanders. "You see, I had been thinking of—"

"Surely you have considered taking up a vegetarian diet, with the superior nutrition and energy that it provides?"

"Well, uh..."

"Then you have no standing to negotiate with me." The Mahatma walked away with a look on his face that might have been disappointment.

Jawaharlal Nehru entered the room and sternly told the American, "I don't know about you, but just last week we noticed a whaling boat wandering around between Memphis and Pune. You must be aware that this sort of conduct is unacceptable."

"But I'm just here to—"

"Your people do not have a reputation for sincerity," said Nehru. "Leave, before you get yourself in more hot water."

Sanders was granted free passage back to his homeland, but he soon found out that all ships had been ordered to remain in port, an order that came from no less than Subhas Chandra Bose. The reasoning was supposedly that even though the Indian government had promised not to interfere with his return, it was not obligated to provide him with the means to do so. Dejected, separated from his crewmen, and with no idea how to proceed with his livelihood afterwards, he could do nothing other than wander around the western beaches, waiting for a friendly ship to pick him up. Somehow, the once unstoppable American navy was now nowhere to be seen. Perhaps they had other battles to fight, far away from these shores, he thought. Or maybe I have been completely written off....

Then a dark shape appeared on the horizon. As it drew closer he could tell it was a ship, but it did not fly any flag or bear any identifying markings. He decided to take a risk, took an improvised raft out to sea, and hailed the ship; after all, anything was better than being marooned in India. To his relief, a rope was dropped down for him, and he boarded—only to be confronted by a large, bearded man with a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder.

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"Ahoy! Who are ya and whaddya think you are doin' here?" growled the pirate captain.

"Captain Harland Sanders of the Kentucky, requesting passage back to America." He produced a few coins from his pocket, and the pirate's eyes lit up, though not from seeing the face of Lincoln on them.

"Ya know, I'm a seafood person myself, but I've found yer famous fried chicken damn irresistible," he said. "Name's Long John Silver. C'mon board the Walrus, yer a kindred spirit."

This was an unexpected surprise. Sanders took the opportunity to find out some more information. "Say, I was going to make some deliveries down south. No point in going there now, but have you been around there lately?"

"Didn't y'hear? Memphis got attack'd not too long ago, after Lee took most of his guys out. Said something about that bung hole not big enuff. Now it's a bunch of Romans crawlin' around there, methinks." Here Long John Silver paused for a moment, watching as Sanders turned pale. "Then those Frenchies said they wanted Rouen back, but along comes these huge elephants that just flatten the place... holy mackerel!"

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Trumpets sounded throughout Rome in celebration of the first successful counterattack against the Americans. Cincinnatus had once again delivered critical intelligence, describing the withdrawal of Lee's forces from the region, leaving only a small garrison of spearmen in the island station of Memphis, which proved to be no match for the longbowmen that Caesar dispatched. Jawaharlal Nehru paid a personal visit to the Horti Lucullani to congratulate the Romans for their success. “You have pulled off such a feat with your limited resources that even mighty India has not been able to equal,” he told Lucullus over a goblet of celebratory wine. "But now that you have set an example for us, you can be sure that we are ready to do more of the same."

In Rouen, the Americans had just completed a fishing wharf when a French landing party arrived. Though Joan's attempt to retake the city failed, the defenders were sufficiently weakened and could not withstand the next wave of Indian troops that followed hard on their heels. Perhaps due to the thundering noise of the elephants, somehow the order to dismantle the wharf was misunderstood, and instead they took down the entire town. Amid the debris one Indian soldier discovered a curious round device with a spinning needle, which was later learned to be a navigational aid that American sea captains liked to use.

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"What the hell are you saying, you got blown off course?" shouted an irate Robert E. Lee at army headquarters. "Don't you know how to use a compass? I've had enough of this tripe!"

"I was attacked by pirates, General!" protested Captain Sanders, trying his best to appear apologetic while pleading his case. "Honest – I didn't have any control over that!"

"Tell that to all the men I lost because they were fighting with spears and shields instead of those muskets you were expected to deliver," growled Lee. Sanders fell silent. He didn't know that the loss of Memphis would be his fault.

"I've made up my mind," continued the general. "It's too late to do anything about Rouen, but we are getting Memphis back no matter what. America will not be intimidated by some tiny two-city wedge trying to pass itself off as a civilization!"

"Three," corrected Ulysses S. Grant with a hint of mockery, stealing the word that Sanders was too intimidated to say by this point. "Looks like you really have your hands full down there, Lee."

Lee scowled back at Grant, then turned to Sanders. "I don't care what you think you are doing, you are expressly forbidden to have anything to do with this next operation. In fact, the further you stay from my troops, the better." With that, he stormed out of the room.

"Four," Grant said with a sigh. "I wonder if he would've blown his top if I told him this silly Roman guy showed up at Midwest Island claiming some kind of divine right to the city of Cincinnati, as if it was named after him or something."

"That's definitely not my fault," said Sanders.

"I understand. But surely you realize that Lee is going to give you the treatment when he gets back." He paused, visibly distressed. "If at all, that is."

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"Looks like he took the bait after all," remarked Subhas Chandra Bose as he watched Lee's troops huddling nervously in Memphis as the Indian longbowmen filed into position. "You've certainly handled those Romans well. I don't know how you managed to convince Lucullus to set this up."

"Simple encouragement goes a long way," said Nehru, "even if it means encouraging them to put their men on the sacrificial altar. Besides, I'm pretty sure Caesar would think this was a fair price to pay for getting a shot at Cincinnati and Denver."

"You think he was aware of the plan?"

"That's not too important, so long as our strategic objectives are met. I do have a way to placate them in case there are any issues, though, since I anticipate they won't be too happy with our redevelopment plan for the island. We have something very valuable that they want."

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News of Lee's surrender was first met with disbelief in Washington, but when President Lincoln confirmed it, he was met with a clamor for accountability. From the outset, a faction of Lee's supporters wanted to place the blame squarely on the shoulders of Captain Harland Sanders, but General Grant intervened and declared that Sanders had absolutely nothing to with the disaster at Memphis. Still, the public was in desperate need for a scapegoat, and there was no alternative that presented as satisfying a target. It was inevitable that Sanders would be discharged from the navy.

"I can arrange this such that it doesn't look so bad on your record," Grant privately told him. "It'll just be a transfer into my army division, with a period of unpaid leave in between so as to not raise any suspicions. Just be aware that while you get command of a whole ship as a captain in the navy, a captain in the army is a nobody. Under me, you've got to earn your stripes all over again."

It certainly wasn't as bad as total career ruin, so Sanders reluctantly accepted, but the troubles did not end there. His reputation had nosedived, his business suffered, and the people began to ridicule him and gave him the moniker "Chicken of the Sea" to highlight his incompetence in naval warfare. To add insult to injury, the authorities seemed to harass him at every possible opportunity.

At one point, he received a letter from Salmon P. Chase detailing the results of a treasury department audit of his restaurant chain. "We've noticed some suspicious discrepancies in your supply chain," it said. "You appear to be dealing with unlicensed suppliers, particularly in the seafood and seasonings domains. Please be advised of the updated regulations in the Temporary Restrictions on International Produce Exchange (TRIPE) Act. Further noncompliance will be subject to criminal prosecution."

Ugh, Sanders muttered to himself. First SPAM, now TRIPE. A sudden crackling noise came from the kitchen, followed by a cloud of dark smoke. The chef-in-training had burned the fried chicken again, turning the breading into a revolting black and brown mess, not the golden brown that his customers expected.

He opened his mouth to yell at the trainee, but no words came out. Instead, he heaved another long sigh, put out the flames, and dumped out the remains. After all, nothing gold can stay.

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... to be continued

Can it be? After 15 months of waiting, we finally get another update?

AWESOME! :D

Now just update at least once a year from now on, so we don't have to suffer such a long wait. Please? :worship:

I see the break hasn't harmed Sima's sense of sarcasm. Still very funny :lol:

Chapter 8: Lazy Lion Loses to Lucky Lamb

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Let the advocate of animal food, force himself to a decisive experiment on its fitness, and as Plutarch recommends, tear a living lamb with his teeth, and plunging his head into its vitals, slake his thirst with the steaming blood; when fresh from the deed of horror let him revert to the irresistible instincts of nature that would rise in judgment against it, and say, Nature formed me for such work as this. Then, and then only, would he be consistent.

Percy Bysshe Shelley (A.D. 1792 - 1822)


"I told you already, I know nothing!" yelled Robert E. Lee, struggling against the chains that held his body but not his rage. "That's not my department!"

Subhas Chandra Bose was having none of it. "You're a general, and you think you can get by without knowing this? Pshaw, you can't fool me with that. We know what Captain Sanders was bringing you last time, now we just want to know about his next delivery up north."

"That son-of-a-b***h Sanders doesn't work for me anymore. How the heck am I supposed to know what he's up to?"

"Perhaps you gave him some, uh, orders that'd he'd still be responsible for?"

"The last orders I gave him were to get the hell out of my way, dammit!"

Bose sighed. "I wish it wouldn't have to come to this, but you leave me no choice now." He took a pair of tongs and picked up a lump of burning coal from the fire, holding it in front of Lee's nose. "You might not believe me, but India is an industrialized power now. We know how to use these things." He grinned, baring a set of teeth that had not long ago torn a spinach leaf to shreds. "Now tell me, what sort of men and supplies do you have over there?"

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"That's all Grant's stuff! I don't know anything about that!" A spark flew off the coal, forcing Lee to blink. "Spears, pikes, muskets, rifles, it could be anything. You're just going to have to try your luck."

This obviously didn't sit well with Bose. "Maybe you Americans depend on luck to get anything done with your military, but we work like that around here. If anyone here needs luck, it'll be you, if you want to get out of this place alive."

There was only one island left where the Americans remained in full control: Caribou Island in the far north, where they had built the settlements of New Orleans, Cleveland, and Los Angeles. Because of the unreliable supply ships from the mainland, the residents of New Orleans and Cleveland had taken up fishing and game hunting to feed themselves, while the Angelenos were too lazy to be bothered with such activities and contented themselves with the meager helpings they could get from scavenging their surroundings. Gandhi had asked Bose to determine what size of a landing force would be enough to destroy the two meat-eating cities while fending off any possible (though unlikely) counterattack from Los Angeles. If Lee were able to cooperate and cough up some intelligence, he could also preserve as much of India's military might for the upcoming invasion of America proper.

Instead, he was left to guess what enemies he would face. But there was one factor that acted in his favor: many of his mahouts had signed up for training as cavalrymen, given new rifles and horses that could outrun the ponderous elephants that they used to ride. Now they were eager to demonstrate their new combat skills.

Jawaharlal Nehru was waiting for him at the docks at Jaipur. "You're going a bit further from home this time," he remarked. "Do you think you can handle this?"

"Let's cut to the chase," said Bose. "What do you want to show me?"

What a smart-aleck, thought Nehru. He motioned Bose to follow him down the gangplank, where newly-built ironclad warship was waiting. "Welcome aboard the INS Tandoor. Hope you have a safe crossing."

It was a pleasant surprise, for Bose recalled the abortive attempt by the French to retake Chartres when they lost the Fougasse en route. This time he would be well-protected. When the USS White Castle tried to intercept him this time, a single three-inch shell from the Tandoor was sufficient to force it to withdraw with haste.

http://i.imgur.com/QtOvG.png

New Orleans, as it turned out, had only a small garrison of untrained pikemen. Bose almost felt insulted that he was wasting the time of his best cavalry fighting small fry like this. "That jerk Lee had the insolence to imply I needed luck now," he muttered. A soldier misheard him and thought that was what he ordered their encampment to be named, and this was how the city of Lucknow came to be.

Cleveland was no different. The most damage the defenders could inflict was some minor injuries to the horses that had charged them; many of the Americans didn't even have time to respond before they were staring down the barrel of a gun. The ones who managed to survive scurried away like rabbits into the surrounding forest, where in the following weeks they would sporadically be discovered and captured a few at a time.

http://i.imgur.com/xH6cj.png

With that, the mission to save the caribou was complete. Gandhi had stipulated that if there was no evidence of wrongdoing in Los Angeles, the residents of that city could be spared. As predicted, they did not lift a finger to help their fellow islanders either.

Jaipur was bustling with activity when the Tandoor steamed in with Bose onboard. The city was swept up in a nationalistic fervor, with crowds cheering for the victories on the islands. Chants of "For India!" alternated with shouts of "Go vegetarian!" and "Death to carnivores!" Mahatma Gandhi was leading a rally, and Nehru had his hands full with line of young men ready to sign up to serve.

Bose was in shock. "How on earth—"

"Lucullus showed me some of the propaganda materials they were using in Rome," said Nehru. "They put up all these posters of people like Cincinnatus and Tiberius that said, 'Join the Army, be a hero too!' No wonder they are able to mobilize so many troops out of their tiny nation. We just haven't been spreading the word as well."

"I assume he didn't show you for free. What did you have to give him?"

"He wanted a chance to see what a pitiful creature General Lee had become, so I brought him to the interrogation chamber. The officer on duty happened to be poking him with that electrical probe, so I let Lucullus play with that for a while. It was kind of funny to watch that guy plead for lee-niency, as if he deserved any special treatment. Hehe."

"Humph. Serves him right," said Bose. "Thanks to his misinformation, my troops in Lucknow are bored to tears, since their only orders are to keep watch over the vicinity of Los Angeles for any suspicious activity. Those caribou have gotten rather tame pretty quickly; now if you approach them they'll just stand still and stare at you."

http://imgur.com/ElZdg.png

As the military ranks swelled with new recruits, many Indian factories found themselves short of workers, since most of their regular employees had diverted their enthusiasm elsewhere. Upon the recommendation of his daughter Indira, Nehru suggested opening up university enrollments and industrial apprenticeships to women, to which the Mahatma responded, "Why not go the whole way? It's about time they got a chance to be part of civic activities as well. If Joan of Arc can hold up fine, why can't our women do that as well?"

"Not sure if that's the example you were looking for," said Nehru. "Last time I went to La Cuisinière, the Marquis told me that they'd lost Avignon. They're now trying to help the Romans hold on to Midwest Island, and they're not doing too well there, either."

"Well that's because they're not quite as good as us. Besides, why shouldn't we double the number of people we have working for vegetarian causes?"

http://imgur.com/A1Jht.png

The inclusion of women into the workforce presented a number of new challenges for India. First came the demands for a day off each week to go home and do housekeeping, which later turned into a campaign for an 8-hour workday, which the business were surprised to discover did not lead to a significant decrease in productivity. Next they insisted on more stringent safety standards after one young lady accidentally dropped a cannonball on her foot—those could now no longer be hand-carried but instead must be loaded into wheeled carts. Then they asked for child care support and maternity leave, which was also grudgingly accepted as a cost of doing business. After that came the others: pensions, medical benefits, education assistance, and unending stream of employee benefits to be desired.

"Looks like labor has the upper hand these days," remarked Nehru.

"And why shouldn't they?" said Gandhi. "They do form the backbone of our society, after all."

One munitions plant discovered a new cost-cutting measure: instead of training new workers in the entire procedure to build a rifle, they could train groups of them to perform one specific task, and to do it very well. This could only be done by changing the manufacturing process so that individual parts could be constructed and assembled independently, forming the world's first assembly line. Later it was discovered that equipment designed with these replaceable units could also be serviced easily on the battlefield, making it much easier to supply the troops in faraway locations.

As the toughest fighting was still raging on Midwest Island, Julius Caesar was eager to get his hands on these new weapons from India. Not only was he willing to pay a hefty sum, he also committed to training a new crop of doctors, nurses, and other medical professionals to meet the growing demand, introducing new techniques and remedies for health problems that had plagued society.

http://imgur.com/w2yQm.png

"How did those Romans accumulate so much money?" asked Gandhi curiously. "Are those medicines they developed really that valuable?"

"Don't underestimate them," said Nehru. "While we were working on universal suffrage over here, they're even thinking about universal health care. They're practically swimming in cash from all those profits they got from selling drugs worldwide."

"Drugs… does that also include vitamin supplements? Or that nasty steroid stuff? I thought only meat-eaters would need those since we can get all the nutrients we need from vegetables."

"There are legitimate uses of those things. Not everyone is always in perfect health, you might realize. Plus, people get injured too."

"Alright," said the Mahatma, "so long as nobody's using these pills in place of a natural diet. Now where are we going to put all this gold? Even our banks don't know how to loan out that much money."

Oh silly, thought Nehru. The Mahatma has been living an ascetic lifestyle for so long that he doesn't even know how things work in the financial world anymore. "Don't worry about that," he assured Gandhi. "I guarantee they will find a way to put this fortune to good use."

"Well, so long as they don't lose it—anything's fine, I guess."

http://i.imgur.com/hwqSn.png

"Halt! Who comes hither?" shouted the guard at the army camp outside Lucknow. "If you have no business to be here, stay out of our sight or risk the consequences."

A strange figure in a colorful shirt approached, with hair so long it was difficult to tell whether this was a man or a woman. A small group of similarly-dressed people followed, stopping a bit further away. The first one then spoke. "May I speak with whoever is in charge here?"

Subhas Chandra Bose appeared at the entrance. "That would be me. What do you want?" He silently wondered if this curious foreigner was up to any good. Probably not, he convinced himself.

"We're from Los Angeles," said the stranger, whose voice seemed to be male. "Things are pretty tough over there—we're starting to starve and there's these enemies that keep shooting at us when we go around to gather nuts and berries. Do you have any food to spare?"

Bose was about to tell this person to get lost when he realized that the request wasn't entirely unreasonable. These people appeared to be civilians after all, and they didn't look anything like the ones from the illegal hunting parties that had been detained in the caribou preserve. Meanwhile, there were plenty of rations to go around for his men, enough to last several years or more. For the first time, he stopped to think of what Gandhi would do in this situation.

"Depends. Are you ready to renounce meat and other animal foods from your diet?"

"Oh yes, of course! We've been living the vegetarian lifestyle for years, it's great! In fact, if it would make things smoother, we'd love to join you and live peacefully together, since we're also sick and tired of the SPAM and TRIPE and whatever other harebrained ideas the government over there keeps coming up with."

The offer seemed a bit strange, so Bose sent the group on their way with a few packages of fruits and vegetables, and then he immediately dispatched a messenger to the Indian mainland for advice from the Mahatma. It didn't take long for the response to come. They have learned to appreciate our superior vegetarian culture, it said. This is the greatest success we could possibly achieve. Congratulations!

http://imgur.com/EXzMp.png

But something just didn't seem right to Bose. When he led his men to Los Angeles to accept the handover of the city, he noticed that the flag flying atop their town hall was a different shade of blue from the one used by the Americans. It was a darker, deeper, ultramarine blue, one that he had heard belonged to a faraway civilization across the sea. Yet when he asked the native Angelenos about it, none of them seemed to have a clue. "Forget the past," he was told. "Our future is with India."

Just my luck, he thought to himself. At this rate I'm never going to know until it's too late.

... to be continued

Can it be? An update after only one week of waiting? :clap:

Hmm, so the really dark blue must be either England or Germany. I'm betting England, since Germany was Black in Project Kaguya.

Lastly, after you having been gone for so long, I demand a map. :p

two updates in two weeks??! :faint:

oh and :thumbsup:

I think you're my favorite writer on this site; it's wonderful to see updates!

Chapter 9: The Earl of Sandwich

http://imgur.com/jIkkD.jpg

For we all know that English people are
Fed upon beef—I won't say much of beer,
Because 't is liquor only, and being far
From this my subject, has no business here;
We know, too, they very fond of war,
A pleasure—like all pleasures—rather dear;
So were the Cretans—from which I infer
That beef and battles both were owing to her.

Lord Byron (A.D. 1788 - 1824)


The dark blue hue first seen at Los Angeles was not spotted again until 1695 AD, nearly half a world away at the other end of India's conquests, by the island of Surat. This time it was a sailing ship much larger than the any of the frigates used by the Americans, and it was apparent that this belonged to a culture with extensive experience of navigating the seas. Long before it was within contact range, the pattern of a ferocious lion could already be discerned adorning the sails.

http://imgur.com/eEMp5.png

Mahatma Gandhi didn't have a problem with lions, of course, since they were well-respected members of the animal kingdom. But he was suspicious of anyone who would choose the lion as a symbol, as it hinted at the nefarious motives of a carnivore. And this was not a good time for a new enemy to appear, since India was already busy fighting the Americans, whose thoroughly carnivorous home continent still stood unscathed.

The ship anchored offshore since Surat did not yet have a functional harbor, launching two small boats one after the other to carry a few men to land. Gandhi wasn't taking any chances. He had Subhas Chandra Bose bring in the longbowmen and war elephants, ready to pounce in the event of any unexpected hostility from the visitors. Jawaharlal Nehru was also brought along, as he needed his negotiation skill to avoid potential diplomatic misunderstanding.

First off the boat was a man in a blue coat and a three-pointed hat, clearly indicating that he was the captain. "James Cook of the HMS Salisbury," he introduced himself. "We're on an expedition to hunt down the Walrus, and this happens to be a good time for us to replenish our supplies. Have you anything to offer?"

http://imgur.com/4MB2M.png

"Wait a second," said Gandhi. "Did you say that you are out to hunt a walrus?" He raised his walking stick and pointed at the captain, only barely stopped by Nehru, who gently held back his arm from acting any further.

"No, no, the ship Walrus—the one controlled by that renegade corsair, Long John Silver. He is wanted for treason against the crown and for aiding and abetting the enemy. I have orders from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth to capture him and bring him to justice." Cook produced a drawing of a ship flying the Jolly Roger, precisely the one that had picked up Sanders near the Indian coast some time before, but this was not recognized by anyone present here, though there were muffled sounds of approval that these people were also fighting the Americans.

"Elizabeth of England," whispered Nehru into the Mahatma's ear. "Lucullus had mentioned her name to me before, telling me that she was quite a difficult woman to please. I thought he was drunk."

Gandhi still didn't seem to have things clear. Turning to the captain, he asked, "So you say you are a cook? What sort of meals do you make, then?"

Captain Cook smiled and shook his head. "Me, I'm content with just some fish and chips. My lord is a very picky eater, so he brought his own cook on this voyage, who has served us very well. Oh look, here he comes."

Before Gandhi had an opportunity to ask what exactly "fish and chips" were, the second boat had come ashore, and a well-groomed gentleman in a dark suit stepped forward. "John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich," he said, extending a hand to the Mahatma. "Good day, it is my pleasure to meet you."

Gandhi shook his hand, then abruptly released it. "Earl of what?" He thought he heard an eerily familiar term here.

"Sandwich. You know, two slices of bread with some meat tucked in between. It's so that I can eat without getting the grease onto my fingers and consequently onto my cards when I'm out gambling."

The Mahatma produced a handkerchief and proceeded to wipe his hand. He shot a glance at Cook, then turned to Nehru, who stared back grimly. "Yes, they claim they invented it first before the Romans," explained Nehru. "Looks like it wasn't just Caesar who was full of baloney."

Gandhi looked at Bose. "You know what this means." Bose nodded and signaled his men, who drew their bowstrings taut, ready to fire at a moment's notice.

"Let your queen know that there is no room for discussion here until you change your behavior," Bose told the Earl. "You have ten minutes to get out of our sight, or else you will find our ironclads making your man-of-war seem quaintly obsolete."

"But that's hardly any time at all!" protested Sandwich. Cook hastily tried to lead him back onto the boat, though he managed to shout back, "Her Majesty does not take such an offense lightly. You will pay for this—dearly!"

http://imgur.com/zNG2S.png

It was a bluff, in fact, since the small but steadily growing Indian navy was almost entirely dedicated to supporting the attacks on America. Now that Bose had made such a bold threat, Nehru knew that the only way to pressure the English was to enlist the help of the vegetarian allies. His first stop upon returning to the mainland was at the Horti Lucullani, where he found that business had somewhat declined as the Romans had lost ground to the Americans on Midwest Island. Knowing that the restaurant needed a slight boost, Nehru ordered a generous helping of his favorite multicultural dish: lasagna masala.

Lucullus knew that something was up, and upon being asked he categorically denied that any part of Rome had been influenced by the English, particularly when it came to sandwiches. "We will show them the error of their ways," he declared. "One helping of bologna is sinful enough for this world. If they think they can continue with sliced ham or roast beef, then they are sorely mistaken."

This display of solidarity greatly impressed Nehru. "Excellent, sir! No matter how small your civilization may be, nobody can ever accuse the Romans of being cowardly, for you are standing up to two evil meat-eating giants at a time!" It was here that Lucullus, slightly embarrassed that the Roman empire had once again dwindled down to two cities, requested a bit of support in terms of logistics and resources, which Nehru eagerly granted.

http://imgur.com/FVsIr.png

Next, Nehru paid a visit to La Cuisinière, and after three glasses of wine he figured he had the Marquis de Ségur under his influence. "You know, Nicolas, we really ought to do something about those English and their utterly terrible food," he remarked. "Haven't you ever thought it would be nice to teach them a lesson?"

Much to his dismay, Nicolas-Alexandre declined. "The moment I heard about the war I was ready to extend a helping hand," he said, "but I got a message from Joan telling me not to take any aggressive action against England. Supposedly Cardinal Richelieu claimed it wasn't 'strategically viable' to fight on our home continent or some other reason like that. I have no idea what he is up to—sometimes I think he's just a wimp that likes to hide behind the cross when threatened."

No matter how much Nehru attempted to reason with the Marquis, there was nothing he could do to convince the French to take up arms. So he settled for the next best option: to choke the English economy by embargo.

http://imgur.com/QupPr.png

Meanwhile, the HMS Salisbury had returned to Liverpool with a demoralized crew and nothing to show for its search for the Walrus. The Queen was shocked and surprised to hear of the Indian declaration of war, since she thought that they had a common enemy in America. "Isn't the enemy of my enemy my friend?" she asked.

Lord Sandwich bowed his head, knowing that Her Majesty was not going to like his answer. "The cauldron of war does not permit direction from too many cooks, I am afraid. The Indians are now stirring the pot. It is up to us to determine with whom we wish to be mixed."

Elizabeth sat thoughtfully on her throne, took a sip from her teacup and a bite out of a sandwich, then finally spoke. "Call off the search for Long John Silver. Our priorities have changed."

... to be continued

Aw, Two Weeks this time? :(

Kidding, it was fast enough. Though I still want that map. :p

Aw, Two Weeks this time? :(

Kidding, it was fast enough. Though I still want that map. :p

Sorry, got distracted by that other game (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=353867) I'm running. I guess I must have ADD if that's what kids these days get to blame.

I'll post a full map when I make contact with the elusive last civ, but here's a minimap for now:

http://imgur.com/euKzT.png

The English actually have 14 cities to America's 13, so they are not to be taken lightly.

If you recall, I'm going for 100k cultural victory here, and I still have a ways to go before I can catch up. Currently I've only got 31489 culture, and the Americans are still solidly in the lead according to the culture graph:

http://imgur.com/dEnbA.png

I'll post a full map when I make contact with the elusive last civ

I take it you're trying to delay that for a while to not have to start yet another war?

Well, Germany's been busy taking some American cities anyway. So, England has more cities than America now, but which one has more forbidden resources?

Well, I'm guessing we have to wait another month or so for the next update?:lol: Anyways, nice game going so far...

Yeah, something like that. I'll be happy if we get it within the year. :p

I just don't see why the Romans are suffered to live, especially now that India has all their gold. If the object of the game is cultural dominance, then England is a distraction from the needed scorched earth war against the Americans and every second spent talking to the whiny little Romans is time wasted. Plus conquering Rome would give India two new cities in which to built culture generating buildings.

i am going to read through this, it looks interesting, i have never even looked at it before :blush:

(nor any of the previous stories) :rolleyes:

I just don't see why the Romans are suffered to live, especially now that India has all their gold. If the object of the game is cultural dominance, then England is a distraction from the needed scorched earth war against the Americans and every second spent talking to the whiny little Romans is time wasted. Plus conquering Rome would give India two new cities in which to built culture generating buildings.

It's against the rules for him to target vegetarian cities.

And as soon as he found the English were using forbidden resources, he had to declare war.

I hope this story continues. I wouldn't want to see this die out :(.

Don't post to bump the thread after so long, it just gives us false hopes to be crushed that Sima finally updated. :(