Welcome, children, to the story of William of Slacker. Most people would love to meet this prideful noble. Others say, that it was his manservant all along. Whatever the case may be, this is his story.

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Records found dating 4000 BC

Pippin: Sir! Ah sir, I've found you. Sir? Sir? WAKE UP!!!
William: What is it, Pippin?
Pippin: It's about the people, sir. They want to know where they should settle. Our slaves, err..., indentured servants also await instruction.
William: Uhhh. I'm too tired. Can't we do this some other day. After all, I never age.
Pippin: I respectfully disagree, sir. We must....
William: *Snore*
Pippin: *Sghs*

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Records found dating 2750BC

William: *yawns* That was a nice sleep. Oh, Pippin! How long have you been there?
Pippin: Oh not that long, just a few centuries give or take a millienium.
William: That's not that bad. I feel ready. Uh, settlers should just sit down where they are, and um, the workers can do, whatever.
Pippin: Why don't you let me lead, sir?
William: Are you crazy?! You, my dear little Pip, are a commoner. Commoners know nothing about civilization. They form little villages where they make children and drool. I am a noble, and everyone knows that only nobles can lead.
Pippin: Right....
William: "Right, sir."
Pippin: (quietly) Whatever.
William: What's that?
Pippin: Nothing, nothing.
William: *stares*
Pippin: What? I said nothing
William: *stares*
Pippin: Don't hurt me!

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Records found dating 2550 BC

Pippin: Sir! We need to know what our workers should do after they finished irrigating.
William: I didn't order an irrigation project. I don't even know what "irrigation" is.
Pippin: Well sir, irrigation is supposed to make land produce more food.
William: ... right. And exactly how does it do that?
Pippin: (under his breath) Man, you're dumb!
William: You'll have to speak up if you want me to hear you.
Pippin: But I said nothing.
William: ...
Pippin: Oh! Right. So irrigation is where people put water from rivers or lakes into the fields by cutting little lines into the soil so that the water flows in better.
William: So water makes things grow? Is that why there's always mold after you put water on a wall?
Pippin: Um, yeah that's right. Anyways, I'll just go back and take control again. The workers will build a road now.
William: What did you say?
Pippin: I'll just go back.
William: No, the bit after.
Pippin: Take control again?
William: No, though our empire will fail under a commoner. A bit after.
Pippin: Build a road now?
William: Yes! What's a road?
Pippin: Geez! What did you do at school? Eat paint chips?
William: *giggles* Why?

Records found dating 2470 BC

William: Pippin!
Pippin: Yes, what is it sir?
William: Fetch me a jar of gummi bears please.
Pippin: I just put in a new one today!
William: I know.
Pippin: ...
William: Well?
Pippin: Fine, I'm going. Oh, and by the way, our population has doubled in size.
William: Already? This calls for another rest. *falls asleep*
Pippin: Ah, well, maybe it's better this way....

Records found dating 2430 BC

Pippin: Here are your gummi bears, sir.
William: *grumbles and turns over*
Pippin: Admittedly, a bit old and stale but good nonetheless.
William: *yawns* Did you say gummi bears?
Pippin: Yes. ... oh no.
William: Me. Want. Gummi bears! *attacks Pippin*
Pippin: No, sir! Desist!
William: We wantsss the preeeeeeciousssss.
Pippin: If you don't mind, sir, I'll just leave you to your gummi bears, jump onto this new curragh, and NEVER THINK OF THIS AGAIN.

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Chapter List:
Chapter One: The Tale of William of Slacker (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?p=3953940#post3953940)
Chapter Two: Enter Knarl the Devious (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?p=3973635#post3973635)
Chapter Three: Enter Kindle the Cultural Advisor (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?p=3986411#post3986411)
Chapter Four: Janet, Domestic Advisor or Hater of Men? (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?p=4008299#post4008299)
Chapter Five: Doc-tor Nobel (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?p=4012499#post4012499)
Chapter Six: Captain Sham (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?p=4027036#post4027036)
Chapter Seven: Janice??? (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?p=4045597#post4045597)
Chapter Eight: The Plot Thickens (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?p=4051309#post4051309)
Chapter Nine: Betrayal (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?p=4080737#post4080737)
Chapter Ten: The Revolting Showdown (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?p=4107812#post4107812)

Looks like you got a decent start. Wat's up with the pics? Do you have some wierd mod or a graphical error?

Hee hee. Graphics problem. Game still functions though.

By the way, I normally play Monarch/Emperor. This game is Regent, but I waited 25 turns before settling. Later on, there will be more delays. :) You can tell from the title, William of Slacker.

Goddam fix those graphics! :dubious: Good lookin story though. :)

Welcome back, my friends. We continue the tale of William of Slacker. Before the extremely short break, we left our young heroes on the brink of destruction. Would William be forced to watch as his empire crumbled? Would Pippin make it to a new land? Only time will tell us. Err.... Only I will tell you. Oh, and by the way, what kind of freaks cannot use their imagination to achieve comedy. You must really hate play format. Parantheses for emotion or details and *action*. Also, a "-" signifies interruption. "..." means that one keeps speaking. "...." means that the person trails off. And Italics are for emphasis.

Huh? What's that? You still do not get it?! Fine, I'll spell it out for you. Happy? "It" is spelled "I-T" Hahahahahaha-

-Record found dating The End of 2430 BC
William: Pippin? ... Pippin? ... Piiiiippin.
Pippin: ... (out of sight)
William: Pippin. Pippin?! Piiiippiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!
Pippin: ...
William: *sobs* Oh what have I done. I can't run an empire without Pippin. Our workers have already left the border's of Amsterdam in search of food. They say that extraordinary fields of wheat are out there. If such riches exist outside of the Netherlands, what reason would Pippin have to stay?
Pippin: ...!
William: Oh Pippin, if I could only see you once more....
Pippin: *enters* My lord, do you really mean it?
William: *sob* Of course, my dear Pippin. *gulps* Oh!
Pippin: What is it my lord?
William: It's just that you started me that's all.
Pippin: Uh-huh.
William: Yes, that's all.
Pippin: *stares at William*
William: What?
Pippin: ...
William: *speaks very monotously quickly* No, I did NOT hire another servant to replace you while I thought you were gone forever on a little dinghy.
Knarl: Sir, you called.
William: No, I did not.
Knarl: Pippin, was it? You're wanted in the kitchen.
Pippin: Who are you?
William: Pippin, I'd like you to meet the one who would have replaced you, Knarl. He comes with good references... (continues speaking)
Pippin: I believe we're going to be great friends. My first impressions about people are always right.
Knarl: Nice to meet you Pippin. I'm sure we'll have a great time together. *lowers voice* I know I will....
Pippin: What was that?
Knarl: I said, "I know we will."
Pippin: Oh, that's okay then.
William: and knows how to milk cows. I think that's all.
Knarl: You forgot master tactician.
William: I said, "good planner."
Knarl: No, you didn't.
William: Yes, I did.
Knarl: No, you didn't.
William: Yes, I did.
Knarl: No, you didn't!
William: Yes, I did!
Knarl: No, you did not!
William: Yes, I did too!
Pippin: Please you two, calm down!
Knarl and William: STAY OUT OF THIS!
Pippin: *smaller voice* I only wanted to help?
William: Well, you can help by going down to the kitchens.
Pippin: Fine!
Knarl: So what of the ship?
William: What ship?
Knarl: What about the dinghy?
William: Oh! (triumphantly) The dinghy! *nods* Yeah, you can find someone to go on it, if you want. I mean you don't have too....
Knarl: Yes, my liege. Immediately. I'll let it explore.
(Curragh set to explore. Worker sent to flood plains wheat.)

Records found dating 2270 BC
Pippin: Man, those dishes took a long time to clean. I even found one that said, "William, you have to clean this or no gummi bears tonight!" Of course, I might have been delusional by then....
Knarl: Hello, fellow servant.
Pippin: You. YOU! I oughta kill you for that backbreaking work.
Knarl: What? Didn't you use the dishwasher?
Pippin: *exhales while saying* Kill. (sudden recognition) The what?
Knarl: The dishwasher, you fool. Excuse me. *leaves*
Pippin: ... wait a minute! There are no dishwashers! Grr!
(Amsterdam gains another population point to 3, set to wash dishes. Luxury tax upgraded to 20% to buy dishwashers. Writing in 34.)

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Records found dating 2190 BC
William: Oh Piiiiiiiiiiiippin! Where are yoooooooooou?
Pippin: *voice from far away* Can you hold on? I'm kind of busy here.
William: Piiiiiiiippin! Pipino! Come on, PIp Pip.
Pippin: Grr. Fine! *enters*
William: Ah, so you're here. I was just about to ask Knarl what he wanted for breakfast.
Pippin: Oh, thank you sir, you're so kind. I'd like-
William: Not for you, Pippin. Knarl is here as a guest. Advisors are to be treated better than servants, you know.
Knarl: That's right, my dear little Pippin. Run along now. And make sure nothing gets burnt. *hands him a list*
Pippin: *unrolls the list down to his feet*
William: We're waiting. If we finish our business before you finish cooking our breakfast and bring it here. It's off to the gallows with you.
Pippin: *jumps up and runs off*
Knarl: So about the new ship.
William: The what?
Knarl: The dinghy, sir. A ship is a dinghy. A dinghy is a ship.
William: I thought it was a curragh. Curragh. Craw, Craw, Craw!
Knarl: MO-VING A-LONG. I suggest we let it explore our western coast line as the other "craw" has decided to go east.
William: I'm sorry. What did you say? I'm so hungry. You know what, we can do this later, can't we?
Knarl: No, sir.
(2nd curragh built sent manually west.)

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Records found dating 2110 BC
William: I'm bored. ... That's good. No responsibilities...-
Pippin: Sir! It's horrible!
Knarl: It's true, sir! As much as I hate, erm love, my dear Pippin, I cannot hide the truth from you.
William: *bursts out crying* Why religious beings? Why?
Knarl: ... um, sir?
Pippin: Oh, don't cry. Hey, Knarl, we need to ask someone to make this all better.
Knarl: How about we just leave a note and our condolences?
Pippin: *responds quickly* Yeah, that'll do. *the two leave after scrawling a note*
William: *sighs and picks up the note* "We have spotted some wierd looking people out there. They seem rather more advanced than us. We'll be meeting very soon." Just what I need. More work. What's this? "PS: Our married couple awareness fund seems to have worked. There are even more citizens in our empire now." Why, oh religious beings? Why?
(Spot purple border. Lux tax up to 30% for 4 citizens.)

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Records found dating 2070 BC
William: So. It's you. Well, it's not really you, you're just a messenger. Must we do this now? I'm kind of losing my 18 hours of sleep a day. I get an even 25 hours on a good day.
Scandinavian Messenger: ...
William: Obviously you don't understand me. Guess what? You suck. Your people suck, and that's that.
Scandinavian Messenger: So you declare war?
Knarl: Let me handle this one, sir. You are a Viking.
Scandinavian Messenger: Yes.
Knarl: Take us to your leader. *lowers voice* I don't even know how we got to the "craw" on their border so fast but whatever.
Ragnar: Ho. Ho. Ho.
William: *lifts eyebrows* You callin' me a "-edited out-"?
Knarl: I apologize for my leader? *aside to Ragnar* He's kind of an idiot.
Ragnar: *back to Knarl* I could tell.
William: *whispering* Why are we whispering?
Ragnar: *whispers back* I don't ... know.
Knarl: (normal voice) So then. To business. Pippin!
Pippin: Yes? I don't see how you whisked me all the way from Amsterdam to here in a second but I'm here.
Knarl: I need our treasury and designs for those plates you had to wash.
Pippin: Alr- (is whisked away) -iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! Woooo- (returns) -ooooooooooooah! (breathlessly) Okay. Here they are. *gasps for air*
Ragnar: Eh? Is that it? Ho, ho, ho!
William: I thought I told you not to call me that.
Knarl: *looks meanfully at Pippin and nods* Pippin.
Pippin: Sir, why don't we go back. You'll be able to rest there.
William: Alright Pippin. Just carry me there. I don't want to walk.
Pippin: But we've got a ship. You can lie down on the deck-
William: I said, "I don't want to walk."
Pippin: (defeated) Fine. *stares daggers at Knarl who shrugs and grins*
Ragnar: Sorry. Your offer sucks. I am so insulted.
Knarl: *imitates Ragnar* Ho, ho, ho! Oh really now?
Ragnar: (angrily) Yeah really. Now git! You're so getting a lump of coal.
Knarl: You wish that Norsy-boy.
(Quite self-explanatory)

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Records dating 1950 BC
William: *singing a Backstreet Boys Tune* I have a feeling. It tastes like cucumbers. I have a feeling of people encumbered. Tell me why I can't sleep whenever I waa-aa-aant. There's something there that-
Pippin: Once again, I find you singing. And once again, my duty forces me to give applause. *falsely smiles and claps* Moving on.
William: (unwillingly and tiredly) What is it now?
Pippin: Same as last time we had something unfortunate that-caused-you-to-be-bedridden-for-a-year.
William: (confused) And what was that?
Pippin: Another border and more citizens.
William: (with anguish) Why, oh religious ones? Why? (determined) It's gotta be those darned Norse gods. They're so full of themselves. What conceit!
Pippin: Uh, right. I'll just be going....
(another border and another population now at 5. 50% 50%.)

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Records dating 1910 BC
William: Ooh, Koreans. Sounds rather spicy.
Wang Kon: Some kim chi? *offers a wooden bowl with wheels on it*
William: That's sounds lovely. *takes the bowl*
Wang Kon: So how is it?
William: I don't understand. Just how am I supposed to eat it?
Wang Kon: You use the sticks on the side.
William: Sticks? How barbarous! (No offense to anyone was intended.)
Wang Kon: (ashamed) I know. (eyes light up evilly) Almost as barbarous as the Dutch are. You are so knowledgable. I admire your survival skills in this world of technology.
William: Fine. I'll give you a great deal. All your techs for all of ours. Hmm?
Wang Kon: New deal: Wood crafting into wheels and all the gold in our coffers for your little plates.
Pippin: Sir, I wouldn't advise-
William: Deal! As long as I can get out of here.
Wang Kon: Excellent!
Knarl: Sir, another border! Another tribe of barbarians, we hope.
William: From what I've witnessed, it only means more work. *sighs*
Pippin: My lord, what about Ragnar?
William: The guy who thinks everyone is female?
Pippin: I wouldn't know seeing how I was being whisked all around the world when you met with-
Knarl: Yeah, alright we get it.
Wang Kon: I'm confused. Who?
Knarl: Butt out, y'old geezer.
Wang Kon: Look at this hair! Not a single black one.
Pippin: Don't you mean not a single white one.
Wang Kon: (shocked and uncertain) Um, yes?
Pippin: Then what's this bottle of black bleach doing next to your chair.
Wang Kon: Um, that was for my daughter!
William: Wait a guy like you has a-
Knarl: Let's gooo now. *They pop into Ragnar's throne room*
Ragnar: Halt! Who goes there?
William: I, William of Orange.
Ragnar: A hug, comrade! *hugs William*
William: (muffled) You're crushing my ribs.
Ragnar: *lets William go*
William: *falls on the floor* (dazed) Oh, my ovaries!
Knarl: Okay, I got the plans and their gold. Let's go!
Ragnar: Hey, those're our plans.
Pippin: Here! *tosses Ragnar an unwashed plate*
William: Good shot! *tries but fails to get up* Ow....
Knarl: He'll be out cold for a while. But weren't you supposed to clean all the dishes?
William: Yeah. Weren't you?
Pippin: Um, *teleports*.
Knarl: Hmm, I'll get him later. *he teleports out*
William: Um, a little help here?
(Korea: Pottery for Wheel + 10 gold and Scandinavia: Pottery for Bronze + 10 gold)

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Tribute: So how do you like my story or play so far? Funny? If you have any objections to my work, please reply to this thread or send me a PM. Any confusions, PM. Any general confusion, thread. Finally, if you have any jokes or funny scenarios for my story please, PM me. Thank you.
Kindle: Hey? When do I get to be a part of the action?
Tribute: Next time, my lovely.
Kindle: Oh, isn't that *exhales deeply* romantic? *blushes*
Tribute: Yeah, right.
William: Help? Anyone? I'm starting to lose consciousness here. ... (pleadingly) Please?
Tribute: *ignrores William* Any comments or good job's go on the thread too please. Spam makes me feel better. :) Oh, and if you haven't guessed it yet. The variant is the 25 turn wait at the start of the game and general lack of micromanagement. There is only a general plan and an elaborate story plot.

The screen shots scare me... they're all fuzzy. *Hides under bed*

The freaky thing is the scary Bismark that is staring you down on the diplo screen. *Does the same as Starkow*

Well, at least some people respond. Are my scenes too sucky? Noone thinks they're funny. :( And forget about Busy old Bismark.

I'm sorry that my graphics suck. Oh, and the pictures are fuzzy because I save them as .gif not as .jpg or .png or anything of high quality.

I invite you all to come out into the open and make comments. I would feel a lot better to see I have an audience. :)

Alright, wat I can tell you are ready to pump out the settlers now.

Okay, right. An update comes today if you're lucky. Else, tomorrow

I can tell you that it's freakin hilarious, keep up the good work. The Vikings seem pretty close to you, and they're aggresive. Lots of :hammer: :hammer2:

When we last were together, William was left in the halls of the Scaninavians to probably rot forevermore. Would this be the end of the empire on which he had worked so little? Only time would tell. Or rather, only I will tell. Oh, wait, we've already done that. Um, nope, done that. And that. And, oh dear, I do not want to read that.

Records found dating The End of 1910 BC
Kindle: Lalalalala.
William: Help? Anyone? I'm starting to lose consciousness here. ... (pleadingly) Please?
Kindle: Lalalalala.*sings* Looooooooooove is really never gooooooood enough. La la la la lala la la (opera finish) LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
William: Ow, now even my ears hurt too!
Kindle: Hmm? Who's there? If you're ugly, please do not respond!
William: It is, I, the slightly damaged, William of Orange.
Kindle: I've never heard of you, but I'm sure if I ask around, people will have GREAT things to say about you. *blushes while looking at William*
William: Uh, right. A little help here?
Kindle: Oh, no problem. *lifts William to a standing position* So where do you want to go? I know a good doctor around here....

Records found dating 1870 BC
Pippin: Sir! You're finally back!
William: Yeah, it only took 40 years 'cause somebody doesn't know where Amsterdam is!
Kindle: Well, I said I was (hurtful) sorry!
Pippin: How many times did you apologize?
Kindle: In exacts or in general?
Pippin: In general.
Kindle: Many, many times. *starts to sniff*
Pippin: And in exacts?
Kindle: *wails* 4,381 times! *bursts out crying*
Pippin: There, there now, don't cry. *looks angrily at William*
William: What?
Pippin: Couldn't you, after you had gotten better, teleported back here?
William: (confidentially) Well, don't tell her this, but I kinda forgot where it was too.
Pippin: (loudly) Whatta ya mean "kinda"?
William: Shush! She'll hear you!
Kindle: Who's she? She must be really unnattractive.
Knarl: *pops in out of nowhere* (snarling) That's right, you think that.
Kindle: Now, who's this little monster? You're such a cute baby!
Knarl: *twitches* (with rising loudness per word) What - did - you - call - ME?
William: She called you a "baby."
Knarl: *reveals a fang and corners William* Don't you ever call me that.
William: But, but she's the one who called you that! *cowers as Knarl continues to glare* Please don't hurt me.
Knarl: Well, you're the one who brought her here. However, this does raise a point.
Pippin: Yeah, I agree. Just who are you? *notices the door closes* She's gone! (Cue Sound Effects: Dun! Dun! Dun!)

Records found dating The Middle of 1870 BC
Kindle: All right people, it's time to go! Tee-hee! *poses*
Leader of the Settlers: Where shall we go, dame Kindle?
Kindle: Um, let's go east. 'cause east is "least" without the L. And we all know what that means!
Leader of the Settlers: ...
Kindle: That's right! The east (singsongy) needs a little love tonight!
Leader of the Settlers: ...
Kindle: What? *gives up her ruse of politeness* (angrily and screechingly) Do you not like love or something? What the heck is your problem? *calms down* (sweetly) It's okay old man, you can go now.
Leader of the Settlers: ... anywhere but here.
(Kindle sends the settlers off to the east. What will they find out there?)

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Records found dating The End of 1870 BC
Knarl: My liege. It pleases me to see you well again.
William: Well, guess what? I'm not pleased! I can't call in sick anymore.
Pippin: But you can't call in sick, sir! You're our king!
William: (matter of factly) Dictator, actually.
Pippin: Yeah, whatever.
William: *looks concernedly at Pippin for a while* ... so what is it, Knarl?
Knarl: Ah yes, it's wonderful news.
William: Yes? (eagerly) Yes?
Knarl: We've met the brown Carthiginians!
William: We have?
Knarl: (evilly) Yup, that's right.
William: I got no news of that.
Knarl: ... I'm giving you the news now.
Pippin: (regretfully) Well, shall we see them?
William: No, let's not.
Knarl: (sadly) As much as I hate to say this, we can't. Our ship ran away at the last moment.
William: The what?
Knarl: Something about the ports being too red.
Pippin: I thought you said that they themed brown like we theme orange?
Knarl: (full of glee) Red with blood!
Pippin: Yuck! I hope we never get to meet them.
William: (confused) I agree.
Knarl: So it's agreed, we'll meet them in 40 years.
William: (fearfully) I'm too young to be eaten!
(See Leptis Magna but the curragh runs away. Set to manual control.)

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Records found dating 1830 BC
Knarl: So you're Hannibal the Cannibal.
Hannibal: Well, I'm not a cannibal....
Knarl: So that's not human meat rotting out there?
Hannibal: Um, nope.
Knarl: And that's not a human vein sticking in between your teeth?
Hannibal: No....
Knarl: And you're definitely not salivating, right now as you look at Pippin?
Hannibal: *starts to sweat* Um....
Pippin: Knarl, how do you know about the aspects of cannibalism?
Knarl: (loudly and quickly) NO, I HAVE NOT EATEN PEOPLE BEFORE! *takes out a pair of goggles*
Pippin: So, Hannibal, how about it? We'll teach you how to make bowls with wheels on them, and you teach us to make bricks out of mud, stack them together, and okay, this kinda sounds really easy to do by myself.
Hannibal: If I get to taste fresh meat, I'll throw in some gold too!
William: That's a great idea, isn't it guys?
Knarl: I know I'm your advisor of foreign affairs and all, but there are some things I just cannot sacrifice to a cannibal!
William: Well, Pippin, I guess it's up to you!
Pippin: ... *turns around and bolts*
William: Knarl, did he just run into a wall?
Knarl: Yes, sir, it looks like he did.
Pippin: Ow....
(Trade The Wheel to Carthaginians (polite) for Masonry and 10 gold. They've got 4 cities to our 1! Talk about 25 turn advantage!)

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Records found dating The End of 1830 BC
Wang Kon: You're back! Some kim chi, perhaps?
William: What is wrong with you, man? You're feeding people fermented vegetables!
Wang Kon: (hurt) Well when you talk about it like that you make it sound so bad.
Pippin: So, now that we're smarter than you.
Wang Kon: (quietly) For once.
Knarl: What's that, old man?
Wang Kon: (quickly) Nothing.
Knarl: I thought so. So, we'll give you some gold for your haircare products as well as how to make bricks. *mutters* Hmm, I still don't know how you made your throne room out of bricks.
Wang Kon: Oh, it's not bricks. *pushes on a pillar, which falls*
Pippin: Excuse me, if I'm wrong, sir, but did he just knock down his whole castle?
William: Yes, Pippin, he has. That's almost as dumb as you.
Pippin: What?
William: *uses a mocking voice* Look at me! I'm Pippin! *lowers pitch and rate dramatically* And I run into walls !
Wang Kon: Let's see, let me give you our plans for mining iron ore and making swords.
Knarl: Why don't you show us your cool bowmanship?
Wang Kon: I don't see why not. *takes out a bow* (a pinkish blur passes by him; the bow is gone and so are the others) ??? What happened?
(Koreans get Masonry and 15 gold for Warrior Code and Iron Working; they've got 4 cities, and Scandinavia has 3 cities. Settler continues east. Lux tax finally lowered for writing in 19.)

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Records found dating 1790 BC
William: Good work, Kindle (quietly) and nice legs.
Kindle: Thanks.
Pippin: Are you sure we should trust a thief, sir?
Kindle: I know you can trust me! Love is the strongest bond one can share! *looks dreamily into the distance*
Pippin: Eh.
William: Now that's not nice Pippin. Kindle's the one who reminded me to lower the luxury tax. Asceticism is important for an empire's success.
Kindle: Precisely, it helps the mind focus on the religious beings, which govern our fate so much.
Pippin: Now, I know I've drawn a bad lot in life.
Knarl: *enters violently* (louder per syllable) William!
William: (nonchalantly) Yes?
Knarl: (face is disgusted) Ooh, it's her .
Kindle: Oh, the cute little- *sees Knarl is incensed*
Knarl: I'd thank you not to call me that. We wouldn't want *flashes a fang at her* an accident to happen, would we?
William: Oh, afterlives, no Knarl! We would not want that. *nods head approvingly.*
Pippin: So you're our cultural advisor, I take it? I'm Pippin.
Knarl: He's the manservant.
Kindle: (disgustedly) Oh, the manservant. How dreadful! (to William) I suggest you raise the luxury tax again. The people may riot.
William: Anything, for you my darling.
Kindle: Besides, I like a little bubble bath, now and then. *smiles and leaves*
Knarl: Now, before I was so rudely interrupted, I wanted to talk to you about that ship we met the Carthiginians on.
William: Oh, the ship. I do so ever like ships.
Pippin: (under breath) I guess you do learn a new word every day.... *leaves*
Knarl: Yes, well, that ship caused a little panic to the Carthaginians. They were impressed, you see.
William: Excellent. Our dinghies are the best after all.
Knarl: Yeah, we got so close that they tried to sink it!
William: (incredulously) Naw.
Knarl: We shot 'em back though, "impressing" them quite a bit. Boy, is Hannibal mad! They say that they had a big bonfire to their little pagan gods. Afterwards, the fires burnt out, yet nobody was seen to leave.
William: That's some good eatin'!
(Pop to 4 Settler in 6 Lux 30%. Carthage was not happy with our puny invasion in Leptis Magna.)

Records found dating 1750 BC
William: I've been thinking.
Pippin: (sarcastically) That's new.
William: Whatever happened to those people we sent out?
Pippin: Why don't you ask Kindle?
William: Good idea. Go fetch her, Pippin.
Pippin: You could just yell for her like you do for me!
William: There's no need to shout, Pipino.
Pippin: I hate it when you call me that.
William: Serenity is key to success. I do so love Kindle's lessons on culture and etiquette. We get to meditate every day!
Pippin: Um, congratulations?
William: I'm a changed man. Just let me go back to sleep. *starts to snore*
Kindle: *enters* I heard some yelling. It's bad for the romantic spirit if one is always angry.
Pippin: (almost boiling over with anger) I - am - not - angry. *twitches*
Kindle: Yes you are. You should take a vacation.
Pippin: There's no place like home.
Kindle: Well, then we have a "sister" resort over in Rotterdam. Don't worry. You won't miss a thing.
Pippin: Now that, I'm sure of. *looks at William who's curled in the fetal position*
(Settler settles Rotterdam for a worker in 10.)

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Records found dating 1725 BC
William: Hey, where's Pippin? I've got to tell him the good news!
Knarl: This is the life i'n it? *lies down on a stone block* We actually get beds that are not made of dirt!
William: I can't believe I was lying in sheets over such filth before!
Knarl: I can't believe I'll be more civilized than those other fools!
Kindle: And I can't believe it's not butter! (to none in particular) Thanks, Kindle, I'll be here all week.
William: The woman I wanted to congratulate!
Knarl: (with false cheer) Yay, the woman who repulses me!
Kindle: I think you're just so cute , Knarl.
Knarl: Whatever. *leaves*
Kindle: I really like that man. He's so *exhales deeply* romantic. *blushes*
William: Don't you like me?
Kindle: (disgusted) You? *screeches* Why would I like you? You're so, so pale!
William: Hmph, no reward for you then.
Kindle: What?!
William: Yeah, I was planning, or rather Pippin planned in Rotterdam, to have a party for your hard work.
Kindle: Oh, it was nothing . I just pointed them in a direction and away they went. *giggles* They probably settled 'cause they were so tired! Ha!
(In interturn, a palace expansion occurred.)

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Records found dating 1675 BC
Pippin: I'm back! ... ... Uh, guys? Hmm, what's this slider thing, doing here? It's so out of whack! These two bars should be at the same level. *adjusts them a bit* There. *leaves* *the bars slide back a little bit*
(Luxury tax back to 40% to accomodate for 5 population in Amsterdam.)

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Records found dating 1625 BC
Pippin: It's been rather boring here.
William: *enters* Pippin! When did you get back?
Pippin: Just about 50 years ago.
Knarl: Not too bad, huh?
Kindle: We had a wonderful time in Rotterdam. It didn't rot so much as I thought it would.
Pippin: Well, I think it highly unfair that I had to run the whole empire by myself. *pouts*
William: Wait. You ran the whole empire by just yourself?
Pippin: Yes.
William: I thought I told you that only nobles rule the world.
Knarl: (the "yeah" is lengthened out provokingly) Yea-a-a-ah.
Kindle: You know, the first step to dating is going on a vacation together.
Knarl: *jumps up and runs behind Pippin* (pleadingly) Hide me.
Pippin: *pushes Knarl away* Sir, I thought you ought to know-
William: But I don't want to know. Um, tell Kindle. I need rest. *exits*
Kindle: Ugh, well? (a condescending expression appears on her face)
Pippin: I kinda sent the settler to go near the fish. 'Cause I like fish. And they like fish. And we all like fish-
Knarl: I don't like fish.
Pippin: That's because you, my dear Knarl, *starts to nod* are highly suspected by the general Dutch community to be a vampire.
Kindle: These nobs look all wrong. *looks at Pippin* Did you touch these?
Pippin: Yeah, I kinda needed to-
Kindle: (matter of factly) Well, don't. *sighs exasperatedly and moves them around*
(Settler goes southwest. Amserdam starts a worker. Lux down to 20% for writing in 7.)

Records found dating 1550 BC
William: *yawns and stretches* That was a nice rest. *sees Pippin looking at him avidly* Woah, what is it Pippin?
Pippin: Sir, I highly do not advocate your plan of indentured servitude for our empire.
William: Just because you don't want to be one, doesn't mean that they don't.
Pippin: ... but they don't....
William: Ya know, this brings up a good point. Just so I won't be bothered anymore, Pippin, you've got a new task.
Pippin: Yes?
William: Find a good housewife. And if she's qualified enough, bring her here. She could be a servant, for all I care.
Pippin: At ONCE, my liege. *bows his way out*
William: Yup, he's never coming back.
Knarl: *enters* Sir, a rather rude brutish looking warrior blocks the path of our people! They wish to settle a bit more south but cannot due to this unplanned blocking.
William: Why don't they just go up to the warriors and settle down?
Knarl: Didn't you know it's rude to occupy another person's settlement and even ruder to settle on another country's occupation?
(Two more workers have joined our ranks. A Korean warrior blocks our settler advance.)

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Records found dating 1500 BC
Knarl: *enters* Sir, another civilization!
Kindle: *enters* Sir, another settlement!
Pippin: *enters* Sir, another advisor!
William: Why, religious beings, why?
(to be continued....)

Tribute: Yes, how fun it is to introduce 1 character a chapter. Ooh, and those italics are a pain to put up. As promised, this will have been uploaded on the last few hours of Friday.
Janet: You said it would be Thursday if they were lucky. You shouldn't be so cheery since it's the end of Friday. Many are disappointed.
Tribute: Well, (sarcastically) sorry for being SO happy.
Janet: Is that a tone? (imperiously) Don't take that tone with me! *starts to hit Tribute*
Tribute: Ow! Ow! (smaller voice) Sorry, mother. *runs off crying like a little girl*

Does nobody like this? Except for Starkow, of course? Hmm, well I guess we'll just have to continue with or without an audience.

You do have an audience ;)

Keep it up. Rest assured that people are following your progress :goodjob:

Update comes on Thursday after my first 2 AP's! The short break between the next two will allow for more creative expression.

Oops, now you know my age range....

Before time ran out on us the last time, we left William in his palace being bombarded with requests. Will he give up? Will he have a heart attack? Will it all be over? Will I lose the game? Oops, I mean, will the empire fall? *starts to sing* Abdication! It's what nation's do to fall! Abdication! After people give their all! Abdication! Maybe you can save the day! Hey! Abdication, nation, castigation, maybe I can stall!

... What? I wasn't stalling. Nope. I had the story prepared the whole time!

Records found dating 1500 BC
Knarl: *enters* Sir, another warrior!
Kindle: *enters* Sir, another settlement!
Pippin: *enters* Sir, another advisor!
William: Why, religious beings, why?
Janet: *enters* (sternly) Now, that's no tone to take, young man.
William: Waaah! Who are you?
Janet: (sarcastically) I'm the grim reaper!
William: Noooo! I'm to young to die! *runs off*
Janet: (to Pippin) Is he normally this dumb?
Pippin: *has been staring at her* Mm hmm. Yeah, that's right.
Knarl: *leaves and drags William back* Stop struggling you pansy!
William: NO! Don't touch the face! Anything, but the face!
Janet: *shouts* Relax! No one's going to hurt you. *looks around* This place is a mess! Who's the housekeeper here?
Pippin: *raises his hand slowly* (small voice) Um, me?
Janet: You! Dah! Stand still! *holds Pippin firmly* You really have got a thing or two to learn. Now run along, pip pip!
Pippin: *exits looking back at Janet*
William: *whimpers* (All look back at him.)
Kindle: As I was saying, our old men, err... adventurous citizens have settled down.
Janet: *crosses her arms* (coldly) That's my job! Clear out, you hooligan!
Kindle: Hmph! *upturns her nose and leaves*
Knarl: As I was trying to say, *lowers voice* and no one ever gets anything said around here very often, *raises voice* We met another guy. Some Brennus of the Celts.
William: *can't take eyes off of Janet* Um, *gulps* and *sweats* what color, *peeks at Janet* are they?
Knarl: Green, Blue, I don't know; I don't care.
Janet: (imperiously) They had no technology?
Knarl: I checked and they only had stupid religious burial techniques.
Janet: Well, those "burial techniques," as you so boorishly called them, are ways to content the people. And as far as I know, *looks at William who cowers* are not happy. They are merely content. Bah! I could run this show better than all of you.
Knarl: *exits*
William: Hey, wait! Don't leave me here with- *exits*.
Janet: *sighs* So cute but so stupid!
(Note the plot point. The Hague has been founded. The Celts have been found.)

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Records found dating 1475 BC
Pippin: I cannot believe that you made me carry you all the way here!
William: (merrily) I know! You should be honored that you also get to carry me back!
Pippin: *scowls*
Janet: *has been lecturing* And on your left you can see the people who are in the city center constructing bronze axes. On this side, you can see the deer forest. Every day, in the wee hours of the night, the people go hunting. In the dark, they shoot at deer and bucks with bows and arrows. Most of the times, they miss! But if we weren't so despotic *glares at William who jumps up* maybe (slower and deeper voice) we wouldn't be wasting our potential. (rapid change to boring museum voice) Additionally, the people cut down the trees in the dark. Sometimes, they end up cutting each other up, and building their houses out of bones. Of course, (rapid change back to accusing) they wouldn't be so dumb, if it weren't for some people, William.
William: Uh, got to go! *exits*
Pippin: *looks at Janet* You're hot.
Janet: (confused look) Excuse me.
Pippin: (dumb look) You're hot.
Janet: Yeah. *leaves*
Pippin: Janet....
(The Hague makes a warrior and its people work on the forested game. Science lowers for some reason to 10%)

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Records found dating 1450 BC
William: (drunk) And then, I said, "That's cause you wear a helmet, bud!" Hahaha!
Janet: *enters* Drunk pigs.
William: Oh, Janet. Just the lady I wanted to see. Come, have a cuppa. Heh heh. *burps*
Janet: *walks stiffly forwards* Um, no thanks. I just wanted to tell you.
William: Can't it wait? Work is so, depressing.
Janet: *slaps him* How can you say that? And you call yourself our "leader". Hmph! We need a doctor. *leaves*
William: (wonderingly) What have I done? Kindle.
Kindle: (drunk too) Yeah? Hee hee! What?
William: *falls on top of her asleep*
Kindle: Heh heh! *falls asleep on William*
Knarl: *enters* What- the- heck? I guess I'll just write a real note now. Pictures are just so passe.
Pippin: *enters* Hey, Knarl. *notices* Oh- my- gosh. What have you done?!
Knarl: We met the blue Germans. Excuse me. *knocks Pippin over as he pushes him aside to exit*
Pippin: *looks back at William and Kindle* Ewwww.
(Writing is in, and embassies are out. Philosophy started as the Republic slingshot is unlikely. Germany found but not contacted, yet because I can. Philosophy in 21)

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Records found dating 1425 BC
Bismark: Heh, heh, heh. Fine ladies you've got there.
Kindle and Janet: Oh!
William: Yeah, Kindle's a dear. *smiles*
Knarl: Down to business, baldy.
Bismark: What's that? Are you insinuating that I, the educated Bismark, am bald?
Knarl: (cruelly) No, you're not bold. You're balding!
Bismark: Am I to take this remark, oh pagan gods, from a mere baby?
Knarl: *reacts violently* (louder per word) What *seizes Bismark's throat* did- you- call- me?
Bismark: Gack! Ack!
Kindle: No, Knarl! You can't do that! You'll damage your precious hands! Let me! *pulls Knarl off and starts to strangle Bismark*
Bismark: *flails his arms*
Kindle: You're going to pay for insulting my Knarl.
Bismark: (chokingly to Bismark) You've, ack, got a girlfriend?
Knarl: (to Bismark) She's not my girlfriend.
Pippin: Yes, she is Knarl.
Janet: Stay out of this, Pippin. *pulls Kindle off who struggles*
Bismark: *gasps for breath*
William: *enters*
Knarl: Hey! Where have you been?
William: I've been looking at the horses. They've got some great riding lessons here. Maybe I could be a horseman.
Janet: (loudly) I'd rather be a Norseman!
Pippin: You're hot.
Bismark: I am now annoyed at you all.
Knarl: Well, personally, I would be furious.
Bismark: Don't push it.
Knarl: So, here's a contract. Sign here.
Bismark: What? I don't know these symbols! What do they mean?
Janet: (in her annoying voice) You mean to say that "the educated Bismark" does not know how to read?
Bismark: *scowls* Fine! Your alphabet should be taught to me. I'll give you your horseback riding lessons in exchange.
William: And we'll even throw in an extra bunch of gold to you!
Knarl: I know Pippin's supposed to say this, but he's too busy gaping at Janet.: "But sir!"
William: No "but"s Pippin, err... Knarl. Now, Janet. You've got to learn to be more patient. Pippin's not going to hurt you.
Janet: *eyes Pippin* (slowly) No. You're right.
William: Well, then, let's go to Norseland! We can show them our horseman skills.
Pippin: *snaps out of his thoughts on Janet* But sir! What about the lessons you haven't taken?
William: I'm sure it should be fine.
Pippin: What if you break your-
Knarl: (to Pippin quietly) It'd all be for the better wouldn't it?
William: *whispers and leans towards the two* What would?
Bismark: (to Janet) How do you put up with them?
Janet: Same as you put up with Knarl. Ignore them and focus on the job.
Bismark: I know where I'd like to focus my job.
Janet: *slaps him* Ugh! Men are so superficial it's disgusting!
William: Well, you're sure you guys won't tell me what that was about? Well then, let's go! Kindle, you can go back to The Hague. *teleports with others*
Janet: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! *farts* *blushes*
Bismark: I can smell that.
Janet: Smell what? *teleports*
Ragnar: What ho! A foe?
William: I told you not to call me that!
Ragnar: So? Get any coal?
William: No, old man. I got a horse for Winter Holidays, thank you very much.
Ragnar: Ho ho ho! Well, you were on the baddie list for sure... you stole it?
Knarl: Very good, Norsy boy.
Ragnar: What? You're such a cute little-
Kindle: (meanwhile) Ok, axes over here. And warrior molds over there. That's everything, right?
Citizen: Yes, the mold for the warriors are hot. So be careful.
Kindle: I don't really understand. You put the people who join the army in the warrior molds.
Citizen: Right. And then we put them on those racks. Once they're cool enough, they go in the refrigerator overnight to harden.
Kindle: Oh, well that explains it.
Knarl: Why you fat, old-
Pippin: No, Knarl! Calling people illegitimate children is rude even if they really are.
William: (as if he were commenting) Ooh, the burn! Surely, now Ragnar Lodbrock repents his words enough to trade with us.
Janet: I've never liked Norsemen. Look at them, those women are forced to slave over everything. *crosses her arms* Men.
Ragnar: Now, now. Um, wait, who're you?
William: This is Janet, the housekeeper. Bit of a smart-
Janet: Domestic advisor actually. And no, my butt is not smart. *turns red*
William: She's gonna blow.
Janet: No, I'm not!
William: Yes, she is!
Pippin: *mouth waters* Janet....
Knarl: *starts to unclothe Pippin*
Pippin: *realizes* Stop that!
Knarl: *makes a face and exits*
Janet: Hmm....
Knarl: Ok, got the scrolls.
William: ... And that is how I rode my first horse.
Ragnar: I wanna be a Norsy horsy!
William: Here you go! *hands him a scroll*
Knarl: Let's go! We've got their scrolls! Something about counting and that burying thingy.
Kindle: (meanwhile) *sneezes*
Citizen: What is it, dame Kindle?
Kindle: Nothing, it's just I had a feeling... of eating cucumbers.
Citizen: Well, I had a feeling of being encumbered. Tell me why-
William: (Pippin carries him) I can't sleep all of the time! There's something there that-
Ragnar: Get back here!
Knarl: Santy Claus ain't comin' to town! But Brennus the menace will! *they teleport out*
Brennus: You wanna fight! I'm here! Come at me!
Knarl: Uh, no. Just no. *shakes head*
William: (still on Pippin) I don't get it.
Pippin: Ow, my back.
Janet: This looks like no fun. Brennus the Menace, eh? Typical of such brutes as men! *teleports*
Pippin: Ah, wait Janet! *teleports*
William: *falls* Say. Do you want my riding lessons? The Germans have taught me well.
Brennus: The who? Sounds dirty.
Knarl: Just give us your mystical powers and we'll give you ours.
Brennus: But I don't wanna do that.
Knarl: Now!
Brennus: *lowers voice* Everyone knows mystical powers don't exist.
William: Hmm?
Brennus: *makes weird noises* Oooooooh, weeeeeeeeoooooh! *eyes roll* Your last image has just been deleted.
Tribute: Hey!
(Alphabet to Germans with 25 g for Horseback Riding. Vikings get Horseback Riding for Ceremonial Burial and Mathematics and 6g. Brennus the Menace gets Alphabet for Mysticism. The technology isn't so bad to get after all. We are now the most advanced of those we know.)

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Tribute: So who did Janet send a letter to? Will he/she come? Find out next time on, the Weakest- err, William The Slacker. Oh, and if you would like links to each update on the first post. Respond "Yes" or "Yes, please" to this thread.
Janet: Just so you know, you lazy forum readers, it's a male doctor. Now clean your room! You too, Tribute.
Tribute: Yes, muzzer.
Janet: (louder on "that") What's that?
???: Did a homosapien order a cleric?

YES!! :hammer:

Another Update Today. I guess I'll get to the linkin' during the update.

Who's that ??? character? And aren't clerics female? Is this a planned oddity? Find out on the fifth installment of William of Slacker! ... I need a raise.

Records found dating The End of 1425 BC
Nobel: Did a homosapien order a cleric?
Janet: You're the doctor? I expected better of you.
Nobel: Allow Doc-tor Nobel to introduce himself to you. He is the Doc-tor Nobel, victor of the Nobel reward.
Janet: Where's Doc-tor Nobel?
Nobel: He is in front of you.
Janet: Where???
Nobel: He looks into your iris flowers and communicates to you. Surely you are pressed by his extraunordinary mentality?
Janet: You do not make any sense. *leaves*
Nobel: Wait! He lusts you! *follows*

Records found dating 1400 BC
Knarl: William! I thought I told you to be more careful!
William: What is it Knarl?
Knarl: *looks at Pippin who is fanning William and feeding him gummi bears* Bismark the Bald is not pleased with our recent incursion into their territory.
William: What does "incursion" mean?
Nobel: *pops in* "Incursion" means the act of incurring. Instead of concurring, you're incurring. It means you go, uh- *falls asleep*
William: I'm confused. I'm not concurring. So I disagree? "Our little disagreement into their territory"?
Knarl: It means we were in their territory. We trespassed! Don't let it happen again!
Nobel: *wakes up* go into a cur. A cur is a cat.
Knarl: Um, it's a dog.
Nobel: Why do you insist on yammering about? I've no time to argue with babies! Research, research-
Knarl: Die! *yanks Nobel and throws him onto Pippin, William flees*
Pippin: (muffled as he is underneath Nobel) Ow!
Knarl: *pounces onto Nobel*
Pippin: Agh!
Nobel: Ah, no! Not his cerebral cortex. You're masticating his cerebral cortex! Now you're sucking his medulla oblongata!!!
Janet: *enters and yells* STOP!!! *everyone freezes* Here you can see the man in his natural habitat. They hit each other. They enslave one another. They play tackling sports. They take advantage of women when they can! They take advantage of each other when alone! (pause) Okay, you can start again.
Nobel: I say, you're not allowing sufficient years for my little plates to spread.
Knarl: (blood drips down from his mouth) *takes another bite*
Janet: *pulls Knarl off and slaps him*
Knarl: Nng. *leaves*
Janet: *pulls Nobel off and slaps him*
Nobel: Ow. His agony! *leaves*
Janet: *picks up Pippin and slaps him*
Pippin: What did I do?
Janet: You're too cute. That's what. *kisses him*
(Nothing really happens. Just a warrior is going to be created next turn. And Germany got angry when I trespassed. Ah well.)

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Records found dating 1375 BC
William: Ooh, look at this Pippin!
Pippin: What is it, sir?
William: I, well, I've gotten a board last Winter Holidays.
Pippin: Oh, yeah! That weird thingy. Did you figure out how to work it?
William: Not really. Doc-tor Nobel gave it a look, but....
Pippin: Hmm. Well, what about it?
William: Something new popped up. It looks like a rudely dressed man in rags. And he's holding some sort of-
Janet: *enters* Aha! I knew you didn't pay attention to my speech a while ago.
William: Oh the one where, um, almost got it, uh, nope, I lost it.
Janet: That's a warrior that you just described. Apparently, that board shows our empire and the people within.
William: Oh. But what can it do?
Janet: Well, nothing so far. We kinda need some sort of military advisor.
William: Maybe one will just pop up!
Janet: *mimics* Maybe one will just pop up! Like that will ever happen.
Knarl: *enters* Sir, someone has wandered up to our borders.
Janet: *looks at Pippin* I'll take control of the board.
Pippin: Yeah, let Janet do it. Please, sir!
William: Well, ok-
Kindle: *enters* Now where has the little devil gotten to. *spots Knarl* Oh there he is!
Knarl: Agh, not her again. *grabs William and teleports*
Kindle: Hmph. I'm not going to stay here with you lowlifes. *teleports*
Nobel: Eh? What's this rubbish? A new civilized nation? Ha! Let them quail in triumph!
Janet: "quail in triumph" What kinda (exaggeratedly) freak would cower and be in triumph at the same time.
Pippin: *sighs* You're hot.
Janet: I know cutey. *hugs Pippin* He's not just a servant. He's my servant.
William: *teleports back* Well, you know that that's not completely true.
Janet: *slaps him* Yeah?
William: (smaller voice) Okay, I got it. *teleports back*
Abe: (singing) Money, money, money, MO-NAY! MO-NAY! Some people get the...
Knarl: You done yet?
William: Yeah, my ears.
Knarl: Well, I suppose you've got nothing valuable to us. So we're just going to go.
Abe: *stops singing* Rush, rush, rush. No time to waste. *exits*
Knarl: What a freak. *teleports*
William: Ye-ea-ea-ah. *teleports*
(Met Abraham of the Americans. 2 gold 5 cities and no techs that I don't have. Warrior fortifies.)

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Records found dating 1325 BC
Kindle: *enters* William!
William: Oh, what is it now. I just got into hibernation mode. We've been so busy the last few days. What with Doc-tor Nobel arriving and Janet wanting to leave, I wanna go back to bed!
Kindle: Well, this'll put you back to bed for sure. The other nations have started to build great buildings that'll make them SO much more appealing than we are! Isn't it romantic?
William: So?
Kindle: Well, I want to be the most attractive one of all. I'd say it suits me, doesn't it?
William: (hinting) I'd say so.
Kindle: Pssh, you're just saying that!
Wiliam: Nope. I'm not just saying that.
Pippin: *nods* He's just saying that.
Kindle: Stay outta this, runt! *leaves*
Pippin: Or maybe she could leave....
(People are building wonders! How much culture do they have? How big are they?)

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Records found dating 1300 BC
Janet: William. I've got a suggestion.
William: You have my approval. Just get don't hurt me. Now, Nobel what were you saying?
Nobel: Nobel's theory is that life is for happiness.
William: I think it's about rest and gummi bears. I love gummi bears.
Nobel: He theories that life is for the sensual fulfillment one can receive. *looks at Janet*
Janet: *slaps him* Pervert! *moves to the board*
William: Hmm? You don't know how to use that!
Janet: All done! I've slowed our growth. And just so Doc-tor Nobel won't bother me. I've made a scientist.
William: What? Are you crazy? Do you know what happens to people who don't produce babies at a decent rate?
Janet: Let's see. No.
William: I don't know either. Nobel?
Nobel: ... *leaves*
Janet: What's gotten into him?
(Edit Amsterdam for same shield production. One scientist. If granary, before growth, 10 free food is stored.)

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Records found dating 1275 BC
Janet: A shame, a shame, a sham....
Pippin: What is it, Janet? *sits*
Janet: Oh! Pippin, it's just you. (pause)
Pippin: Well? I thought you were going to spill a dark secret to me.
Janet: Right, um, I think I hurt Doctor Nobel's feelings.
Pippin: Is that all? Cheer up! We can get together after the chores. *stands*
Janet: No, that's not it. *Pippin sits down* It's just. We're losing money.
Pippin: So? We've got plenty of money! *stands*
Janet: That's not it either. *Pippin starts to bounce up and down* Sit down, Pippin! *sits Pippin down* Now listen closely. We're going to have to reduce our scientific output due to my mistake. We might fall behind in technology! And it's all my fault! *starts to cry*
Pippin: (comforting) There, there now. I wonder what Knarl would do in a time like this.
Knarl: (meanwhile) (angry) What did you call me, you Indian?
Kindle: No, Knarl! *holds onto his arms*
Montezuma: Actually, that's American Indian.
Knarl: I'll call you whatever I want you, you ripper outer of hearts! Let me go, Kindle!
Kindle: Never! You're too cute to injure yourself.
Montezuma: Moving along. Er, William. Stop drinking that! That's our ceremonial cacao.
William: *continues drinking* Your (some splashes on the floor) what? *spits some out on accident*
Montezuma: We Aztecs have chosen not only to eat up the Mayan race but to take its ceremonial cacao and pray to the war gods for aid in war.
William: I really should be writing this down. *takes out a feather pen, ink jar, and paper*
Knarl: Let go of me! *teleports with Kindle around the room*
Kindle: Ne- *teleports* ver! *teleports* You- *teleports* are-
Montezuma: ... and then we demand tribute from those we conquer as well as fighters so that we can conquer other tribes.
William: I see. So what do you do with the babies.
Montezuma: The babies?
William: Yeah, you know. You didn't mention anything about the babies.
Montezuma: ...
William: Well?
Montezuma: We eat them. And pour their running blood into the ceremonial cacao.
William: *takes another swig* What's that?
Kindle: *teleports into Montezuma* too cu-aagh! *falls*
William: *finishes off the drink* Well, that's that. Let's go, Knarl. You too Kindle.
Knarl: I'm not done yet.
William: No time for fuss; let's go! *teleports*
Kindle: After you, sweetie!
Knarl: Grr. *teleports*
Kindle: Bye, baby eater!
Montezuma: *throws up* Ooh, that baby didn't go down well.
(Met Montezuma. Adjust sliders for the granary upkeep.)

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Records found dating 1250 BC
Pippin: Party time!
William: Yay, gummi bears!
Janet: Ugh, male festivities. How barbaric!
Kindle: Come on, Knarl! Let's go to the seat of loooove. Eh, what are you doing?
Knarl: *pouring something into the punchbowl* Nothing.
Nobel: *takes a drink* Say, Doc-tor Nobel thinks this liquid emits a bitter sense for the tongue like the juices that can be squashed from almonds. *passes out*
(Amsterdam has reached a population peak of 6. Growth in 2. Would've been 1 if the irragtion had finished in 1 turn instead of 2. What a waste!)

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Tribute: Lalala. Done with 1225 BC, and who're you!?
???: Wanna fight? My steel shall clash with yours and when the dust settles the women will glorify me as he who struck down the-
Tribute: All right. Let's go. I'm the author after all.
(A few seconds pass)
???: Aghhh! *runs off*
Tribute: (to audience in a neutral voice) What? I haven't done anything yet. On another note. Please give me ideas if you have any through PM. Please oh please! We're only on turn 71 or so with 5 updates!!! And that's all I've got to say. ...
???: Aghhh! *runs past*
Tribute: Right.

... okay. Serious doubts are starting to grow in my mind. Anyway, an update will occur tomorrow afternoon, I believe.

For the production benefit of William's hometown, Amsterdam, why dont you mine the oasis, you are getting enough food as it is...:rolleyes:

Shhh. He doesn't know that. And he doesn't care :eek: ! He's so lazy! :rolleyes:

So you are here to listen again. As you very well know, a coward is about to appear in the midst of our heroes.

Records found dating 1200 BC
William: And then, we were all like "yeah!"
Pippin: Yeah!
Kindle: Yeah!
Nobel: Oh what entertainment! Yes!
Knarl: (halfheartedly) Yeah.
Janet: (everyone looks at Janet) ... what?
???: (cue crack of thunder and flash of lightning) Greetings my king.
Nobel: Uh, who is there, lurking in the shadows?
William: He was talking to me! ... well, who's there?
???: Your worst nightmare. I, Captain Sham of the 1st Dutch Spearman Brigade, challenge you, William of Orange, to a duel. My brigade will act as referees.
William: What's a duel?
Nobel: A duel is where two people have a fight and they want to have another bigger fight to settle the initial fight. The bigger fight normally consists... *continues talking*
Pippin: You have to fight him to the death, sir.
William: What?! I'm too tired for even that!
Pippin: But sir! You have to salvage your honor!
Sham: Me, and my DSB await you.
Nobel: And it occurred in one of the many books I've recently studied. It was a fine piece of American literature detailing how a succession of administrative assistants, namely the Vice President and Secretary of State shot at each other. You know, the bows they used were developed by the Aztec warriors, who in turn share our farming abilities. They say that food surpluses lead to higher growth rates. And growth leads to money. The richest people in the world are normally aristocracy-
Janet: We get it!
(Spearman built and sent to Amsterdam as MP. Amsterdam gets an entertainer.)

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Records found dating 1150 BC
William: I don't wanna go!
Pippin: He said he'd take over the city himself if you didn't do it.
Janet: My dear Pippin is quite right in this matter.
William: *whines* No! I don't wanna!
Knarl: (threatening) Go, or else I'll tell them what I saw you do that day.
Pippin: He did what on what day?
Nobel: I don't believe it. What sort of scandalo-, scanda-, Scandinavian story would be true if it came from a mutant baby.
Knarl: (angrily) I thought I told you not to call me that! *lunges towards Nobel*
Nobel: Aaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeee! *runs and hides behind Janet*
Janet: Ugh, get away from me. *pushes Nobel off who clings onto her leg* No, no! Get off! *shakes her leg and farts loudly*
Kindle: Ewww! *starts flapping her arms and accidentally knocks over the slider*
Nobel: Oooooh, pretty colors.... *faints*
William: You've killed the doctor!
Janet: *blushes* Well, it would've happened anyway.
William: You don't understand! Without him, I can't create an invention that will help me escape this nightmare of a world and your ugly, ugly faces, except for Kind- ... I said that out loud, didn't I? *everyone looks at him*
Pippin: Sir, you think we're ugly? *starts to cry*
Knarl: *moves over and hugs Pippin) I don't. *everyone looks at him, horrified (No offense is intended to anyone)*
Pippin: Knarl, likes .... *faints*
Janet: You idiot! You did that on purpose! *slaps Knarl*
Knarl: Ergh, get offa me. *pushes Janet off*
Kindle: Don't damage my precious Knarl! *begins to catfight with Janet*
Sham: *enters* Hello again. You've got 1 minute to accept my proposal. Resist it, and I'll knock down your walls! If you survive for an hour, then I'll join you and your ... people.
William: You wouldn't want that; it's a fate worse than death!
Janet: *looks up* (imperiously) What's that supposed to mean?
William: *looks determinedly at Sham* Okay, I'll duel you. *clings onto Sham's legs* Just get me away from here.
Sham: Okay, we'll go with these people. *they leave*
Janet: Darn. Men are stupid. Now get offa me you (self-censored word)!
(William and Captain Sham go with the settler southeast just as the spearman enters Amsterdam. 50% science 20% luxury +3gpt Philosophy in 2 turns.)

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Records found dating 1125 BC
Knarl: Hmm, now that William's gone, I guess I he won't mind what I'll do.
Ragnar: Ho ho ho! Give me a scroll!
Knarl: Um, why?
Ragnar: Because I said so. And I might ask you to have a duel with me if you don't. What do you say?
Knarl: No.
Ragnar: Am I being denied by a mere child?
Knarl: *twitches*
Ragnar: Tell me, do you still believe in Santy Claus, you big baby?
Knarl: Die! *leaps at Ragnar*
Ragnar: You'll get coal!
(Ragnar comes knocking for Mysticism. Knarl tells him to shove it.)

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Records found dating 1100 BC
Kindle: *fiddles with the slider* And this one over here. And that one over there....
Nobel: *enters* He does believe he's done it!
Kindle: *looks up* (guiltily) What have you done?
Nobel: Doc-tor Nobel has discovered the meaning of life!
Kindle: And that is not to say anything while you do parts of someone else's job, right?
Nobel: Wrong you dunderhead! The meaning of life is *builds suspense* ... aqueducts!
Pippin: *pops up* Woo woo woohoo! Woo woo Woohoo!
Nobel: Now that you are sufficiently impressed by Doc-tor Nobel's mental capabilities, would you like to take an incursion into his fortress of solitude?
Kindle: How about instead of lighting your fire, I just burn you up?
Nobel: That vould be vonderful. Vhat? Is he finding an axont? One as great as him deserves vun. Now zen, his dearie. Let's go.
Kindle: *picks up a match* Yes, *lights it* let's.

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Sham: (meanwhile) I hereby declare this hill to be mine!
William: But I'm the king!
Sham: Wanna fight?
William: I thought that's what we came out here for....
Sham: Err, right. Shall we get started?
William: (carelessly) Okay.
Sham: Um, shouldn't we get out our weapons? Maybe give them a good shine first?
William: Nah, I'm good.
Sham: ... well. *starts to sweat* Um, we can't fight today.
William: Why?
Sham: (a bead of sweat trickles down his cheek) Err, because.
William: Because why?
Sham: Because because.
William: Because because why?
Sham: Because because because.
William: Because because because why? (Time passes.)
Sham: Fine! I give up! I'll join you. We've been at this over an hour anyway.
William: That's it? That's all that a duel was? *teleports*
Sham: Hmm. He's a worthy opponent. *teleports*
(We got Philosophy and Construction. Currency in 30. Sliders adjusted.)

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Records found dating 950 BC
Pippin: Look sir! A horse!
William: You're right! This board is so cool!
Janet: Yes. You know, we need someone to supervise these things. I don't have time.
Kindle: Yeah. You're so busy making (disgustedly) speeches.
Janet: That's right. And I'd have more to do too if you didn't always move the sliders for me!
Kindle: Well, that's because someone isn't being very cultural! Love is supposed to roam free in my dreams! *looks dreamily into space*
Janet: Well, in the meantime. Clear off!
William: Hey, Pippin. Catfight! *starts to drool at the two*
Pippin: Sir, I'm not sure if that's a good idea.
William: *starts to yell* Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Sham: *enters* Did someone yell about a fight? Okay, the rules are. The first to lose all their clothes wins! (pause) I'm sure you'd like to indulge a war veteran such as me. *grins*
Knarl: *enters* Ugh! Pipe down, there! I'm trying to concentrate! *exits*
Nobel: Concentration is key to success. Anyone who halfheartedly tries too-
Sham: Old man, you talk too much.
Nobel: Eh, er. Silence!!! Now, eh, vat vas I talking about?
William: Hey. You haven't always had that accent! And I thought that you were the spokesperson for the great Doc-tor Nobel!
Nobel: Vell, never mind zat zen!
Janet: *whispers to Kindle* Hey, Kindle?
Kindle: (in a loud voice) Yeah?
Janet: Shh! Why do you think they're all staring at us like that?
Kindle: (still in a loud voice) They are?
Janet: Shut up! I've got a plan! We need to show them what pigs they are?
Kindle: Hey! Look at me! *starts to undress; the men start to goggle and drool*
Janet: Hmph! I need a hot bath. *exits*

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Wang Kon: (meanwhile) Now, my dearie, time for your bath!
Kon's Kid: Dad, I said I don't want to. It's people like you that make me so mad! The world hates me....
Wang Kon: The world does not hate you! Remember the time when I got that black bleach for your hair?
Kon's Kid: Yeah. So what? You probably wanted my hair to die from the poison in there.
Knarl: *teleports in ending up with his fangs on Wang Kon's neck.* Wang Kon!
Wang Kon: Woah! *jumps* Ow. *frees himself* You know, you really shouldn't sneak up on someone like that.
Kon's Kid: Who's the cool freak?
Knarl: You know, I was very goth when I was younger. (with relish) Have you ever killed a man?
Kon's Kid: (smaller voice) Uh, no.
Knarl: It's an enjoyable experience. To drink the blood of mine enemies... *grins evilly*
Kon's Kid: Daddy, he's scary!
Wang Kon: Er, what do you want Knarl?
Knarl: You know what I want.
Wang Kon: ... well, what do you want?
Knarl: Hand it over.
Wang Kon: *picks up his daughter and gives it to Knarl* Here.
Kon's Kid: Hey!
Knarl: You know what? I'll get it myself. *exits*
Wang Kon: Wait! That's stealing! *trips and falls*
Kon's Kid: Dad, I wanted you to know. *stands over him* I hate you. (Cue "Dun! Dun! Dun!")
Knarl: Got 'em. I'll just leave these here. *drops some scrolls and teleports*

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Abe: You failed to come to the meeting on time. Alexander Hamilton, you're fired. (Cue: Slow motion head movements and a song of defeat) I love that song of defeat. It makes it all so worthwhile. *sighs*
Knarl: I heard you got multiple gods.
Abe: I know you've got the maths and the writes. Our schools have funding but they need something to teach. Let's trade.
Knarl: Wow. You're eager *lowers voice* to die.
Abe: I never waste time. I'll deal with anyone. Even-
Knarl: You don't want to call me that.
Abe: What, advisors of rivals?
Knarl: ... never mind, then. I'll give you both scrolls and you tell me how these many gods theory works.
Abe: I warn you though, this is incompatible with your theory on life.
Knarl: For that cheek, I now ask for all your gold.
Abe: Fine. Don't wet yourself with excitement though.
Knarl: Aha! I knew it! You think I'm a baby!
Abe: No, I don't.
Knarl: Explain yourself then.
Abe: I still ... wet the bed?
(We see horses. Korea gives Map Making for Ceremonial Burial and Mathematics and 14 gold America gives Polytheism and 25 gold for Mathematics and Writing)

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Tribute: The sixth installment. It seems like people just hate a play format.
Janice: Neh, neh. Heheh. That's not true. *burps*
Tribute: Then why does nobody reply?
Janice: ... yeah, you suck.
Tribute: ... Say, are you drunk?
Janice: ... Nope.

More please!:bounce:

Awww, u need to fix that disk. Still, good story.

For all this time that has passed, I believe my (rather small) group of audience members deserve another installment.

Janice, the Trade Advisor, will be making an appearance. Maybe you can guess how she relates to another of the characters....

Janice. Who is she? How does she relate to one of our known characters? Hmm? That's right, you don't know. My foolish readers, let us continue the Tale of William of Slacker. Hopefully, you'll enjoy our new budget cuts-- hey!

Records found dating 925 BC
William: It's like a cycle.
Janet: (hysterically) That's what I've been trying to say! *starts to gasp and exits*
William: Wow, Janet, you're so smart! Perhaps you could "teach" me sometime?
Pippin: Sir, how come you said "teach" differently?
William: Oh, "did" I?
Pippin: You did it again!
William: How dare you "accuse" me of such things? *someone enters*
???: Well, that was a lot of people who just left Amsterdam. Maybe their in search of some luxurious goods!
William: Janet. Come here.
Janet: *enters* (curiously) What?
Pippin: *faints*
William: (deliriously) Ah, two Janets. My life is now complete. *faints*
Janet: *looks at Janet-look alike* You!
(Amsterdam is on a settler cycle of 4 turns. A settler is sent out.)

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Records found dating The End of 925 BC
Knarl: *enters* William!
William: *stirs slowly* Ugh. (nasally) What? What is it?
Nobel: *enters* Oh yes! If I do zey zo myzelf!
William: Oh good, you brought my physician.
Knarl: (bored) I try. *moves to William* Let's go, my "king."
Nobel: Eh? What's zat? Are you making fun of my axont? Vell, I am at least much more intelligence than you.
Knarl: Oh yes, you are intelligence.
Nobel: Confirmed!
Knarl: *mutters* isn't it 'affirmed'? *looks towards William* Let's go. *William tries to snuggle back to sleep* NOW! *takes William and teleports*
Nobel: Eh? Espe'ranme, chiquitos. *teleports*
Hannibal: Hello. My pretties. Come to feast?
Knarl: Yeah, I doubt that. Now we-, woah! What's that? *points behind Hannibal*
Hannibal: What? *turns around*
Knarl: *hits him over the head with a scroll* That's what.
Hannibal: Why you little-
Nobel: I vouldn't say that.
Knarl: (congratulating) So you're finally learning, Nobel! *pats him on the back*
Nobel: Learning vat exactly?
Knarl: *frowns*
Hannibal: Hmph, I declare war on you! (Cue: Dun! Dun! Dun! and flash of lightning and boom of thunder)
William: ... those sound effects suck. I'm gonna need a nice rest. *teleports*
Hannibal: Guards seize them.
Guards: Yes, sir! *they rush towards Knarl and Nobel foaming at the mouths*
Nobel: Vat is zer problem? *takes scroll from Knarl and hits some on the head*
Knarl: Give me that. *takes scroll from Nobel and hits the rest on the head* (Cue sound of falling silverware)
Hannibal: And I wanted to feast tonight! *exits*
Knarl: As long as nobody's here.... *starts to loot the palace*
Nobel: Okay,,,, vell, hurry up zen! *teleports*
(Carthage demands Mysticism and is rebuffed. Oops, we're at war!)

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Records found dating 900 BC
Sham: (commandingly) Keep it moving people. Keep it moving!
Soldier: Aren't you coming with us, Captain?
Sham: (flatly) No.
Soldier: (curiously) Why not?
Sham: I'm the captain and I say 'no'!
Soldier: ... uh, 'no' to what?
Sham: Dah! Just go. *motions them away*
Janet: *fiddles with the board* And that's right. Make a spear, and WE won't lose.
William: *whines* Janet! What about that new town over there? *points*
Janet: (confused) New town?
William: Yeah, the one that, er, someone sent over there to get horses....
Janet: And (really loud on "who") WHO was that?
William: Meep! *quietly* Uh, Pippin.
Pippin: (enraged) WhaaAAt?!
Janet: ... hmm, another worker.
Sham: (meanwhile) *sneezes* Oh.
Nobel: *pops in* You know, a sneeze eez a sign zat somezing vill go wrong. *imitates Indian accent* (please, don't be offended. Longer on 'ver' short on 'ry') Very, very, wrong. *opens mouth and face at an odd angle on 'wrong'*
Sham: Whatever. Wanna fight?
(Troops prepare. At least Carthage is far away.)

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Records found dating 825 BC
Pippin: Say, Janet?
Voice: (in the shadows) Yeah?
Pippin: How come you hugged me in front of everyone at the party?
Voice: Did I?
Pippin: Yeah. You did.
Janet: *enters* I would never do that! I hug you when you sleep.
Pippin: That doesn't account for the drool marks though.
Janet: Oh yeah. You're the one who drools whenever I hug you. I call it the Salivation at his Side Effect!
Pippin: *blushes* Woops.
William: (meanwhile) So Janet. What's up with that board. How come the Americans look like they're boxing us in?
Voice: I don't know. I'm just trying to get to the luxurious goods. That's all.
William: Could you bless me with your luxuries?
Voice: Hmm, let me think ... (a more girlish voice), okay!
Janet: (meanwhile) *sneezes*
Pippin: Bless you.
Janet: *sneezes*
Pippin: Bless you.
Janet: *sneezes*
Pippin: Bless you again.
Janet: Ugh. *sneezes and snot flies all over Pippin*
Pippin: Ugh. Eww! *starts flailing*
Janet: Oh, I'm sorry! *Pippin's arm hits her face* So cute but so stupid! Ow....
(Nothing much. Just notice Americans are boxing us in. Settlers are moving out and Spearmen go east.)

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Records found dating 800 BC
William: Wow Janet! That was fun!
Janet: Exactly (nasally) what was fun?
William: You teaching me how to make gummi bears, of course!
Janet: Eh, what? I don't know how to cook.
William: Oh, stop being so modest. They were great! *puts an arm of Janet's shoulder* (confidentially) You know, you can teach me any-
Janet: *pushes William away* Ugh! What is your problem? Men! And there testosteronific problems!
Nobel: *enters* I know, Janet. Maybe a few sessions vith me, and you'll be veeling much bezzer. *winks*
Janet: *slaps Nobel* Not you too! You're supposed to be a doctor!
Sham: *enters* And I'm a captain. Surely, if you hate politics and knowledge, you like the muscles? Hmm?
Janet: *kicks him*
Sham: Ha! You missed!
Janet: *kicks him again*
Sham: (voice becomes small) Yeah, you got it. *collapses*
(Something's wrong in our little community. Surely you can guess who's behind it.)

Records found dating 775 BC
William: Oh, Janet, I'm sorry I insulted you.
Janet: You did?
William: Do you have amnesia? Any blackouts recently?
Janet: *burps* Nope.
William: Really? I'll get Doc-tor Nobel to look you over.
Janet: Oh, please do!
William: Okay, now I know something's wrong.... *exits*
Janet: *exits*
Pippin: *enters* Janet?
Janet: *enters* What?
Pippin: Wha? Buh? You were-
Janet: (to audience) I just love it when he blubbers! He's so cute when he does that!
Kindle: *enters*
Janet: Just where have you been? I've had to use the sliders all by myself for a while. (whimsically) A change for the better I must say. But still....
Kindle: You know, we've got a lot of gods to pray to. We really need to narrow it down a bit.
Janet: How many?
Kindle: I lost count.
Janet: Oh that's right. We haven't taught you any mathematics.
Pippin: Buh? Huh??? *whines* Janet! My head is bleeding!
Janet: Run along there Pippin. *pushes him out*
Kindle: Janet? Do you know where Knarl is?
Janet: I think he's ... you know what? I really don't know.
Kindle: Well, thanks anyway, *lowers voice* commoner.
Janet: (loses control) What's that?!
Kindle: Oh, nothing. Just ... young love! *skips out*
(What's going on? Two Janets? And only William and Pippin have the slightest inkling of this!)

Records found dating 710 BC
William: I'm confused. What's going on?
Pippin: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Why are there two Janets?
Knarl: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Where's all the loot?!
Hannibal: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Where are the battles?
Sham: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Where are his troops?
Nobel: (meanwhile) I'm confused. How do you spell that? C-U-R-R-E-N-C-Y? Coinage. Okay. Got it.
Janet: (meanwhile) I'm confused. I seem to be sneezing a lot lately. And I've already dusted the whole place.
Kindle: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Where's Knarl?
Janet: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Why aren't those horses connected yet?
(Confusion mania. And our southern border has been reached. Lux down to 10%)

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads11/710BC.gif

Records found dating 690 BC
Knarl: Finally.
Hannibal: *enters* Oh you're still here are you.
Knarl: Yeah. There was no loot. But there was a lot of food.
Hannibal: My soldiers! Without their blood, how can I feast on their... oops.
Knarl: Aha! You are a cannibal!
Hannibal: Uh, no I'm not!
Knarl: Don't try to deny it!
Hannibal: Now, hold on there little missy!
Knarl: I'm a boy.
Hannibal: We all know that you're a vampire!
Knarl: Woops. I mean, uh, duh! Everyone knew that already.
Hannibal: I have blackmail against you. For peace, you will surrender your empire!
Knarl: How 'bout just mysticism?
Hannibal: I am insulted by your insolence! Food should not be so rude!
Knarl: Gotcha. *winks and teleports*
(That's right. We can't get peace yet. And Hannibal is a cannibal. And Knarl is a vampire. But they won't tell anyone, right? Lux up to 10%)

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Records found dating 630 BC
Janet: Oh my gods!
Pippin: *waddles in* What is it, Janet?
Janet: Oh, Pippin. It's just that I'm claustrophobic. And we're being boxed in to the north too!
Pippin: Those darn Vikings! *pauses* Wait, we're looking at a board. How does it work?
Janet: ... I don't know. A wizard did it.
Tribute: (from above) That's darn well right, and you know it!
Pippin: ... (scared) Janet, I'm scared. *hugs her*
Janet: (confused) What just happned?
Kindle: (meanwhile) Lalalalala! Oh! There you are Knarl!
Knarl: (tied to a chair with a handkerchief over his mouth) Mmph!
Kindle: Well, there's no reason to be so rude. I'm happy to see you too! *moves closer*
Knarl: Mmph! Mmph!
Voice: *knocks Kindle out* Sleep tight precious.
(Oh no! Someone has knocked out Kindle and is holding Knarl hostage! We are being boxed in to the north by the Vikings. Just about only the east is left....)

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Records found dating The End of 630 BC
Abe: William. *shrieks* I said 'William'!
William: *teleports* (tiredly) Yeah? What? *yawns*
Abe: We need to know what life is all about. Why are we here? You know. Please tell us.
William: Life is for gummi bears. Yeah that's right.
Abe: George Washington, you're fired.
George: Whaaat?
Abe: You said that life was for the destruction of the English. Well, you're wrong.
William: Wait, who're the English?
Abe: None of your beeswax. You get what I'm sayin'?!
William: Uh, can I go now?
George: Aagh! *runs away from Abe with a whip* Not the money! Anything but my money! Aaaaagh! *runs to exit*
Abe: Get back here slifer scum!
William: ... okaaaaaaay. *teleports*
(Lincoln asks for Philosophy and we give it to him to prevent another war)

Records found dating 610 BC
Voice: *cackles* Yes, yes! Excellent! Horses for everyone!
Janet: *enters* (coldly) I'm afraid that's not the case. Sister.
Janice: Yes, Janet. That's right. *burps* I'm Janice, your twin sister. I love you. *hugs her*
Janet: I know that already. *pushes her off* Say, that's an odd smell.
Janice: What is?
Janet: ... are you drunk?
Janice: Um, nope. *burps*
Janet: (seriously) No. Really.
Janice: Now why do we have to talk about such silly things, sister? Let's discuss my new ponies!
Janet: *yells* Janiiiiiiiiice! *tackles her*
Pippin: *enters* Oh ... my ... gods. *faints*
Kindle: (meanwhile) So you guys just decided to build a huge naked bronze statue in your capital city.
Ragnar: Yeah, that's about right.
Kindle: (simply)I like it.
(Horses connected to Groningen. BTW, do you all get it, now? Colossus built by the Vikings.)

http://www.civfanatics.net/uploads11/610BC.gif

Tribute: The seventh installment. Not too good, but not too bad, huh?
Janice: I didn't get to reveal my character traits! *burps* Mm, 500 proof alcohol.
Sham: I didn't appear that much! What's that all about?
Kindle: *whines* I'm knocked out!
Knarl: (cynically) I'm being held hostage, Kindle.
Janet: My twin sister is ruining my life!
Pippin: (deliriously) Two Janets? I'm in the heavens....
Nobel: *enters* Okay, zat's right. So zese coins veigh how much? (to Tribute) I'm a senile old fool!
Tribute: Just shut up, already!
William: (meanwhile) Why does nobody think of me, anymore? Oh, that's right. I'm too lazy to care.

2 Janets?! :eek: Double the pleasure, then! :beer: :groucho: :bounce:

Must have more updates! :goodjob:

Yeay :banana:

More! More! More!

U know what's wrong with da disk? Maybe put it in technical problems forum?

@ carmen510 I know what's wrong. And if you can read .pcx files, you could easily help me fix it. That's right; the 'you' means anyone who reads this! All you need to do is take screenshots of every single folder with the screenshots, file names, and folder name showing. My graphics problem is due to an image mixup that with a bit of matching, can be solved. I'll just save a backup file if anyone is kind enough to do so.

At any rate, a surprise update!

Janice has arrived on the scene. Being the twin sister of Janet, how will the others react to the news? Will they ever find out? What deviousness is Doc-tor Nobel scheming? Where the heck is Captain Sham? And why is Knarl tied to a chair? One thing is known, however: things will not be made clear, at least for this chapter. I'll answer one question. Why was Kindle both knocked out and able to see the Colossus? Well, um, she dreamed about it! That's the ticket! Anyway, my dears, please enjoy the next edition of The Tale of William of Slacker!

Records found dating The End of 590 BC
Janice: *whines* Janeeeet! Pleeeeease?
Janet: (curtly) No.
Janice: But but but but but but butts?
Janet: Don't you 'butt' me! Just because I have that condition....
Janice: (curiously) What condition? *has a moment of recognition* Oh, right! That condition! *snickers*
Janet: *eyes widen* No. (admonishingly) You would not dare!
Janice: Tee hee! *burps* Now I've got you!
Janet: *groans*
Janice: First order of business, (girlish voice) let's find a pony! *exits flapping her arms behind her*
Janet: A real beauty queen that one. *exits*
Nobel: (meanwhile) *enters* Huzzah! Un tree-umf for our civilizay-shun! A coin making machine!
William: That's great, Doc-tor Nobel. You can put next to all the other coin making machines.
Nobel: Ah, but zis vun vorks *uses the accent: fast for the first and third ... syllables then short for second and fourth ... ones* very, very, reli-able.
William: (cynically) It vorks very very reliable, huh? Whatever. *signals for it to be put away*
Nobel: Watch. *puts some metal in the contraption he holds and pushes a button*
William: Ooh. *watches as a metal coin shaped with Nobel's face comes out* Very nice. But that's a very ugly face.
Nobel: *starts to redden* (annoyed) Sure, but-
William: No, I'm serious. I've never seen such a hideous lookin' face!
Nobel: *reddens further* (angered) Vell-
William: And in all my life too!
Nobel: *steam leaves his ears* Mesa no *shakes his head making saliva fly everywhere* carin' what you think!
William: *looks around* ... yuck. I think you better fix that. *calls loudly* Pippin! I've got another mess you can clean!
(Science lowered as Currency will come in soon. Horses will be connected to the rest of the empire.)

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Records found dating 570 BC
William: You know, I think we need a rulebook around here. Pippin hasn't cleaned up all this saliva. I can't keep inventing punishments all day! I need rest! *yells* Pippin! Where the heck are you? ... Hmmm..., oh Nobeeeelllll!
Sham: (meanwhile) Okay, they're here. Two Cathaginian brutes are nearing our gates. I approximate that they will arrive at Arnhem in 40 years.
Soldier: Sir! We lack both defenses and morale! The troops feel that they are outnumbered.
Sham: And why shouldn't they be? I've been through worse than this and look at me! The biggest winner of all battles. Skewering foes near my spear.
Soldier: *mutters* More like, the biggest whiner of all battles. Shrieking when foes near my spear.
Sham: *whispers* ... what are you whispering for? *moves closer*
Soldier: *raises voice* Nothing, sir!
Sham: *jumps back* Ah! My ears, private! Insubordination!
Soldier: No, sir! I would never-
Sham: *interrupts* Siiiileeeeeeence! (pause) To my office. And as you very well know, people who go into my office don't get meals. In fact, you are assigned to my office for the rest of your days.
Soldier: But-
Sham: No 'but's! Move private!
(Two Carthaginian Warriors appear. Currency in and Code of Laws will complete in 7)

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Records found dating 550 BC
Knarl: Mmph! Mmph!
Kindle: *slowly starts to stir* Uunnnn....
Knarl: Mmph!
Kindle: Owww. My heeadd. *slowly rises*
Knarl: Mmph! Mm-mph!
Kindle: Naked bronze men....
Knarl: Mmph?
Kindle: Knarl? Is that you? *a hand hits her on the head* Owww. *falls unconcious*
Voice: So I've got nothing better to do than stay here. Sue me!
(Two Carthaginian warriors are in our territory. An American spear nears one of our settlements ... scary. Two settlers move out.)

Records found dating 530 BC
Sham: Defense! Defense!
Soldier: We're defending already. If you haven't noticed, we're being slaughtered, commander!
Sham: But I don't wanna fight. I need ... to paint my nails.
Soldier: I thought you did that last week!
Sham: Um ..., a pedicure then.
Soldier: Yesterday.
Sham: Hmm, what's that? *points behind Soldier*
Soldier: Nothing, sir.
Sham: Darn. *punches Soldier who falls knocked out and runs away!*
Soldier: Let's push these buttons men! *pushes buttons* Ooh, 20/100. That's good. Better than the 90/100 we kept getting. Charge men!
Generic Spearman: Stab, stab, stab! *stabs*
Generic Warrior: Smash, smash, smash! *smashes*
Carthaginian Soldier: Oh no! I've fallen down!
Generic Warrior: Oh, no! Our commander has fallen. *all the warriors run away, trampling the soldier*
Carthaginian Soldier: Dah! Agh! Oh, the pain! Oh, the burrrrn!
Soldier: Charge! Stab all you can! *they overrun the retreating warriors*
Generic Warrior 2: Commander, let's go!
Carthaginian Soldier 2: Sure. Whatever. Oh my gods! (hysterically) Is that ... blood?! *points*
Generic Warrior 2: We should find the source!
Carthaginian Soldier 2: Yes, let's go men! Drop our weapons and pick up the silverware for it's chow time!!! *runs towards Generic Spearmen*
Generic Spearman: You know, I don't only stab! I'll soon learn to ... impale! *impales Carthaginian Soldier 2*
Generic Warrior 2: Chow time! *jump onto their fallen commander's body*
Generic Spearman: *stabs*
Sham: *enters* What?! The battle's already over?!
Soldier: Uh, yeah, ... sir.
Sham: Uh, if you don't mention that I wasn't there, I'll give you a promotion. *grins*
Soldier: And what about working in your office?
Sham: *waves his hands in front of him* Alright, you don't have to anymore!
Soldier: Deal.

Records found dating The End of 530 BC
William: *sings* Celebrate! Celebrate! Come on and celebrate...!
Pippin: *joins in singing*
Janice: *enters* Hello boys! (She is dressed scandalously)
Pippin: Janet. *eyes widen* Wooooo.
Nobel: *enters* Ah, Villiam. Look at zis. Our (accented on very) very first law shall be-
Janice: *nears Nobel* Oh, Doc-tor, you look so (with emphasis) good.
Nobel: I knew you would come around, Janet. *takes her by the arm*
Janice: *burps* Come to my room, if you dare.... *they exit*
Pippin: *gapes with mouth open* Ock. *faints*
William: Why does everyone besides me get to faint? I wanna go back to bed, (lengthens in an annoying voice) tooo-ooooo.
Janet: (meanwhile) I do not know why I have to go through with this! I mean, it is my room! *notices something* Hmm? Who's there? *is knocked out*
Voice: Excellent. My lord, we've got Janet....
(Carthage attacks! 1st battle. 3/3 Spear vs 3/3 Warrior -> 1/3 Spear vs 0/3 Warrior 2nd battle. 1/3 Spear vs 3/3 Warrior -> 2/4 Spear vs 0/3 Warrior. The RNG was in my favor! For once.... Palace expansion! And the American Spearman goes away, whew....)

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Records found dating 490 BC
William: *skips* Lalalalala. Hi, Pippin.
Pippin: Hey, sir?
William: *stops* Yeah?
Pippin: How come nobody is around anymore?
William: What do you mean?
Pippin: Um, well, I haven't seen Knarl and Kindle for quite a while....
William: I'm sure they'll turn up, alright? *pats Pippin on the back* You're doing good work. Now carry me back to my bed. I'm tired. *stretches and yawns*
Pippin: (weary) Yes, sir.
Sham: (meanwhile) What the heck? What are they doing near Groningen?
Soldier: Sir, apparently they want our ponies.
Sham: But I love my little pony. *starts to sing* My little poneeeeee, my little pony, my little pony, hey, it's a new day. My little-
Soldier: Okay, sir. We'll just ask the Groningener's to whip up a little archer group for us.
Sham: Haha, Groningen. It sounds SO bad. Heehee, Groningen.
(Whip Groningen for an Archer. The Spear will keep the warrior from the good lands and protect the archer. The other spear will guard the other mountain.)

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Records found dating 470 BC
Sham: Attack!
Soldier: Uh, sir?
Sham: What is it now?
Soldier: The archers are over there. *points* We're the spearmen.
Sham: ... (quickly) I knew that. *walks over to the archers*
Soldier 2: I'm the head of this archer squadron. What is it you want me and my boys to do General?
Sham: Okay, you know what? I'm Captain Sham. Got that? *takes Soldier 2 by the collar*
Generic Archer: Okay we routed them.
Sham: How did you do that?!
Generic Archer: Well, instead of walking up close to the warriors as other archers do, we chose to shoot from afar.
Sham: *nods* Ahhh. Okay, soldier, you get a promotion. You Groningeners aren't half bad.
William: (meanwhile) Where is Knarl? Pippin, you've got to take his place.
Pippin: Alright. Let's see. *mocks Knarl* I'm a vampire boy! And my name is Knarl! *teleports*
William: Teehee. I'm not coming. *exits*
Pippin: Trust William to leave me to deal with a cannibal all alone.
Hannibal: (behind Pippin) Hello, Pippin. *brandishes a knife*
Pippin: *turns around and jumps back* Aah!
Hannibal: *smiles* Your friends aren't here to help you....
Pippin: Um, peace please!
Hannibal: Oh? Wadda ya want? The rulebook?
Pippin: Uh, sure.
Hannibal: Not a chance. I want some gold! If I can't have you, I'll need some to buy someone else! *stands over Pippin*
Pippin: *leans back* (small voice) Okay. *takes the scroll and teleports*
Hannibal: Hey! Where's my money? (Cue: Slam) Oww, its like a brick fell on me.... (Cue: Slam) Oww. (Cue: 8 more slams while fading to black)
Nobel: (meanwhile) Hmm. Now that I've got the rules, I just need to write them down. Hey, what's this?
Pippin: *appears* Here. *hands Nobel a scroll*
Nobel: Oh! It's just you. It doesn't matter if you see me without my ridiculous accent. If you tell anyone though, I'll make your life miserable!
Pippin: Uh, okay. *exits*
Nobel: Now then, I guess we could always have a new governing style. I think *takes out a big poster* that I'll research The Republic. *traces two lines that point toward The Republic* ... *notices something* Huh? Who's there? Ugh! *falls*
Voice: We've got Nobel.
(Archer beats warrior 3/3 to 4/4. Approach Hannibal for peace. We can get CoL for only 10 gold. But that's cause we had 1 turn left on it. However, peace would be free in our favor by a little otherwise. We enter the Middle Ages and start on The Republic. Oh noes! We're losing all our cast!!!)

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Tribute: I like the eighth chapter.
Sham: We're victorious! Thanks to my bravery, of course.
William: We pwned those Carthaginians!
Pippin: What's wrong with Janet? *looks concernedly at Janice*
Janice Hmm, I wonder where everyone is... *burps*
Tribute: I don't know what'll happen next. Maybe one of you do? *they shake their heads* I was talking to them. *points out towards the audience*
Everyone Else: (confused) Who?
Tribute: Never mind.... Enjoy the show people!
Everyone Else: No really, who are you talking too???

Nice update :) Sorry about the graphics though, I lack expertise on these areas :sad:

:woohoo: continuous updates! :rockon:

You know, there is room south of Howlerd for you to expand. :mischief:

Updating tomorrow or Saturday at the latest. Also, my graphics problems may just be ending....

... Also, my graphics problems may just be ending....

Good, then I can come out from under the bedsheets. Scary pictures, good story. You sit in the dark and read it with a flashlight.

I'm really sorry people, but my save got deleted!!! :cry: However, my graphics are fixed!!! No more Bismark, finally can use F4.... :D I apologize for not being able to finish the story, but if anyone wants to know what would have happened, I could continue it without pictures.... ;)

Darn! Awww well. Hope ure next story is even better!

It probably won't be quite as good. The Fiery French will be more tragic rather than comedic. Sadly, paragraph format, though including more descriptions, is harder to write, possibly lowering my writing capacity.

I'll continue this comedy; however, it will kinda have a corny ending as I don't have the save anymore. I was planning on many extra subplots. Ah well. And I liked this one too. :(

I miss Pippin...

Author's Note: So I've lost my save. It's okay! I'll just finish this substory and leave the rest up to you, the readers.

And so, William's advisors slowly disappeared. Where did they go? Who holds them hostage? Who is whisking them away from the Netherlands? Hmm? Hmm? Oh that's right, you don't know.

Records found dating 450 BC
William: ... Something's off. Does anyone know what's wrong? Janet?
Pippin: Ooh! Ooh! I know! Pick me! Pick-
Janice: ... (considering the possiblilities) hmm, no. Nope. I don't think so. What about you, Captain Sham?
Pippin: Oh! I know. Pick Pippin! He knows what-
Sham: (thoughtfully) ... no. I don't believe that anything is wrong. What do you think is going on William?
William: Something is off.
Pippin: Pick-
Sham: (loudly) Shut UUUUUUUUUUUUP! *shakes his head violently while saying that*
Pippin: *eyes widen in shock* (quietly) me. *slowly walks out*
William: Ah well. It's probably just my imagination.
Sham: Yeah. Good night then, sir. *exits*
Janice: Yeah, yeah. Good night. *exits*
William: ... ... ... ...?
Pippin: *enters* My lord William, I know what is wrong!
William: Yeah? Let me guess.
Pippin: Hmm?
William: Everyone is disappearing. You don't feel safe anymore. Janet doesn't seem to like you at all. And Knarl isn't taking advantage of you. Like that last time when he had you digging through the ground for buried treasure, which really turned out to be my old gym socks.
Pippin: *scowls* Well, yeah. Basically that's what I think's wrong. Uh, okay then, good night, my lord. *exits*
William: ... heh, and I just figured it out too. *smiles*

Records found dating 430 BC
Sham: Any one of us could be a murderer. Or, it could be someone from the outside. Personally, I'm not taking my eyes off of any one of you. Not only is this for your own safety, *lowers voice* but mine too.
William: (confused) Huh? What'd you say?
Sham: I didn't say anything.
Pippin: (innocently) But then why did you start out by saying "Not only is this for your own safety"?
Sham: And your point is ...? *stares down Pippin*
Janice: Well, I agree with Captain Sham. We should stay in this room together so that nobody can pick us off one by one and none of us will kill anyone else.
Pippin: (dazed) Kill? *clutches head and moans* Ohhhhh.
William: *pouts* Well, I want some gummi bears. *sits down and crosses his arms* Why don't you go Janet?
Janice: Well, alright then. *exits*
Sham: Shouldn't we all go with her?
Pippin: (eagerly) Janet can take care of herself! She's a scary lady. *nods*
William: Yeah, Sham. She'll be fine. Lighten up why don't you.
Sham: Wanna fight?
William: Now, I don't think that- (Cue: Scream offstage) ... what was that?
Pippin: *wails* Oh no! Janet! *runs out of the room*
Sham: Quick let's save her! *charges out of the room with a war cry*
William: Uh, okay. *nonchalantly walks out of the room*
Janice: (meanwhile) Heh heh. Here they come. *hides*
Pippin: *runs by* Aaaaaaaaaagh Jaaaaaaaaaanneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!
Janice: Mmm hmm. *blinks a few times* Right.
Sham: For chivalry!
Janice: Boo! *jumps out of her hiding place*
Sham: Waaaaah! *trips and falls on his face* Owwww....
Janice: So. You thought that a girl needed saving.
Sham: ... yeah, basically. *gets up*
Janice: Well, you thought wrong.
Sham: ... what?
Janice: Turn around, fool. *points behind him*
Sham: *turns around* What am I supposed to be seeing? *turns back around*
Janice: Oh. Wait. I was supposed to run away, wasn't I? Ah well. Hey. Look behind you now. *points*
Sham: Oh, no. I'm not falling for that again. *wags his finger in front of her.
William: *enters with a pot in one hand* Surprise! *hits Sham on the back of the head*
Sham: (woozily) I guess I lose.... *falls unconcious*
Pippin: *enters running* Aaaaaaaaaaagh! Their after meeeeee- *trips over Sham* Ack!
Janice: Ah. Pippin. It's about time you came.
Pippin: Huh? What happened to Captain Sham?
Janice: There's been a little accident. Come along, Pippin.
Pippin: Where are we going, Janet?
Janice: We're going to where all the cool kids hang out.
Pippin: (innocently) The cool kids, Janet?
Janice: Yeah, we're going to go right now. William'll come later too.
Pippin: Uh, okay. What about Captain Sham?
Janice: Oh, he'll be fine. Well, let's go.

Records found dating 410 BC

Janet: (in a cell) So. You got captured too, eh Nobel?
Nobel: *enters with Guard* Yes, vell, so did you, my zittle munchskeen! *is pushed into another cell and locked in*
Guard: (foreign sounding voice) Okay, okay now, shut up now. Okay. Please.
Janet: Hey! Guard!
Guard: *approaches Janet* Yes?
Janet: I could give you a good time.... *winks* Just come a little closer. *giggles*
Guard: Hmm, you know, I would, but I'm straight.
Knarl: Mmph???
Nobel: (shortly) Vat?
Janet: Are you implying that I am a-
Kindle: *wakes up* Huh?!
Guard: *hits Kindle on the head* Geez, people! *shouts* I'M FEMALE!!!
Nobel: *snickers*
Guard: Oh? What's so funny old man? *approaches Nobel* Huh? Got some sort of mental problem? Huh? Retarded. *laughs deeply* Hurr hurr hurr. *lowers voice dramatically and lengthens the next word* Retar-ded.
Janet: Hmmmm. ... Hey, Nobel?
Nobel: Vat is it, voman?
Janet: I would like to hear one of your more recent lectures if you would oblige.
Nobel: Ah, yes, vhere vas I? Ah, right- *head droops and starts to snore*
Janet: ...
Guard: ... And that was your amazing plan, wasn't it?
Janet: Yeah, pretty much.
Guard: Well, I wouldn't do that again, you female dog! *nears her and hits her with a wooden stick*
Janet: Ouch! Hey! *slaps Guard*
Guard: *steps back and untwists her neck* Huh. ... Okay.
Kindle: Ughhh. *stirs*
Guard: *hits her on the head* I never get tired of this.
Janet: ... Hey, guard?
Guard: Yeah?
Janet: Shouldn't we be being debriefed by the evil mastermind of this plot with its genius plot twists and connections, already?
Guard: Just hold on for a moment. ... (Cue: Slamming Door and Echoing, Approaching Footsteps) I think they're here.

Tribute: Oh noes! The cast will have a final showdown! And then, game over. It has been a fun run. Be sure to check out the last installment as well as my next story that will update more often after this one ends. ... So wait. You're female?!
Guard: Yes! (hysterical) They get it already!!!
Tribute: Sure. If you really wanna be one.
Janet: *appears behind Tribute* (menacingly) And what's that supposed to mean?!
Tribute: (small voice) Mommy. *runs away*
Janet: *chases* Get back here!

Ha! So the group will finally reunite after being removed from each other for so long. What role do Janice and William play? How will Pippin save the day? Will Pippin even save the day? And finally, the question we've all been waiting for, (pause) when do I get a raise?

Records found dating 390 BC
Janice: *enters* Hi, sis! *burps* I've been waiting to see you for SOOOOO long!
Janet: Janice! You, you traitor!
Nobel: You know, I've met many traitorious chipmunks in my life. Are you a chipmunk, uh, Janet?
Janice: (indignantly) I'm Janice ... right? *burps*
Nobel: The chipmunks vere quite intoxicated, are you intoxicated?
Janice: I'm not drunk! *trips and collapses onto a wall* (shakily) I'm okaaaay! ... Ughhhh.
Nobel: In my studies, I haff alvays seen ze results of ze intoxicationism-
Janet: Drunkeness.
Guard: *holds her head* NNNN!!!
Nobel: -ze hangover. *gestures towards Janice*
Janice: *clutches head* Oww. The pain! The agony! *stands up* The nothing! I'm not drunk. *twitches and makes a grimace*
Janet: Though our sibling bond will never be broken, for now, (beat) I wish it were.
Janice: Ow! My head. *runs around the room*
William: *enters* Hi guys! *waves* Pippin's dragging Captain Sham in right now.
Guard: NNNN-? (enraged) WhaaaaAAAAAAAAAAT?!
William: What?
Guard: ... Do you how much trouble you have caused you [I]stupid, stu-pid man. Get over here! *moves towards William*
William: You know what? Why don't I just summon Pippin, uh great lord of evil darkness?
Guard: *whispers* Ssh! You'll ruin everything!
William: (out loud) What? What am I going to ruin?
Guard: *slaps a hand on her forehead* Ow!

Records found dating 350 BC
Guard: Okay, now that everybody is here... Hey! Where's Kindle?
William: She went to the bathroom.
Guard: Ugh, whatever. Get her now. Janice, get Hannibal and Wang Kon over here. *they leave* And just one thing left to do...-
Janet: (cynically) You're going to rant, aren't you?
Guard: ... maybe.
Janet: Hmph, well carry on. *moves over to Pippin*
Guard: *rants* First things first, who am I? (silence ensues) ... well? Anyone? ... Okaaaaaaaay, I'm Kon's kid. (Cue: OOOOWEEEEEOOOOOH) *wiggles hands in the air mysteriously*
Janet: *whispers* Hey Pippin. Hand me that string on your pants.
Pippin: *whispers back* My loose string?
Janet: (furiously) Pluck it out already!
Pippin: Yes, maam. *pulls out a string.* ... Oops.
Janet: ... wow.
Guard: Hey, is anyone listening?
Janet and Pippin: NO!!!

Records found dating 310 BC
Guard: And to reveal my true form. (Cue: Magical eerie transformation sequence)
Janet: ... That was cheesy.
Janice: Yeah, I know we're supposed to be on opposite sides here, but I've got to agree.
Nobel: So, how vas ze medicine zat I gave you?
Janice: That was ... water.
Nobel: Are you implying somezing? Vat are you trying to say?
Kon's Kid: So I'm a just a teenager. And the world hates me. But the world did not count on the fact that I hate it too!
Janet: Yes. (Cue: Click!) We're free! *runs out of her cell to Knarl*
Knarl: Ow. (The handkerchief removed was red.) *he looks at the Kon's Kid and jumps toward her* (Cue: Smack)
Janet: You do NOT under any circumstances attack a female being! Just cause you think you're so tough. But you're not. *slaps Knarl again*
Pippin: Janet, what about me?
Janet: Hold on Pippin. I'm coming. *she walks over to Pippin's cell but it drops down and reappears on the other side of the room.* (At the same time, more bronze bars drop down from the center of the room.)
Pippin: *appears* (wide-eyed) That was one convoluted elevator.
Janet: Wait a minute. That prison room was ersatz!
Knarl: We do not have time to tell tales about ersatz elevators....
Nobel: Hellooo? Does anyone care about me?
Knarl and Janet: Shut up!
Knarl: Baldy.
Janet: Fool.
Kon's Kid: Hahahahaha! Though you are free, I still have all my lackeys and Pippin!

Records found dating 290 BC
Pippin: Janeeeeeeeetttt! Help meeeeeeeee!
Janet: Calm down, Pippin. It looks like she still wants something from you. (fearful) You're safe for now. *frowns*
Kon's Kid: And release the prisoner ... Oh my gods!
Janet: Oh dear....
Knarl: *drools*
Janet: *raises an eyebrow* Are you alright Knarl?
Knarl: Yeah. Fine. *continues staring at Pippin*
Janet: (very seriously) Knarl, ... are you gay?
Knarl: Yeah, sure whatever.
Janet: *farts* Oh. Heehee. *blushes*
Janice: *enters* Okay, we're here. *Hannibal and Wang Kon enter*
William: *enters* Kindle, what's taking you so long?
Kindle: *enters* A girl's gotta look good, ya know!

Records found dating 270 BC
Kon's Kid: So it all began when, Knarl visited me and my father in our palace. (Cue: Flashback, Grayscale, and Fuzzy Edged Perspective)

Wang Kon: (meanwhile) Now, my dearie, time for your bath!
Kon's Kid: Dad, I said I don't want to. It's people like you that make me so mad! The world hates me....
Wang Kon: The world does not hate you! Remember the time when I got that black bleach for your hair?
Kon's Kid: Yeah. So what? You probably wanted my hair to die from the poison in there.
Knarl: *teleports in ending up with his fangs on Wang Kon's neck.* Wang Kon!
Wang Kon: Woah! *jumps* Ow. *frees himself* You know, you really shouldn't sneak up on someone like that.
Kon's Kid: Who's the cool freak?
Knarl: You know, I was very goth when I was younger. (with relish) Have you ever killed a man?
Kon's Kid: (smaller voice) Uh, no.
Knarl: It's an enjoyable experience. To drink the blood of mine enemies... *grins evilly*
Kon's Kid: Daddy, he's scary!
Wang Kon: Er, what do you want Knarl?
Knarl: You know what I want.
Wang Kon: ... well, what do you want?
Knarl: Hand it over.
Wang Kon: *picks up his daughter and gives it to Knarl* Here.
Kon's Kid: Hey!
Knarl: You know what? I'll get it myself. *exits*
Wang Kon: Wait! That's stealing! *trips and falls*
Kon's Kid: Dad, I wanted you to know. *stands over him* I hate you. (Cue "Dun! Dun! Dun!")

Pippin: Dun. Dun. Dun?
Kon's Kid: Shut up, cutie.

Kon's Kid: *eyes glow red and back to brown*
Wang Kon: ... Master. What is my name?
Kon's Kid: You will be called 'Wang Kon' and you are to fetch King Hannibal of the Carthaginians for me. Understood?
Wang Kon: Understood. I will be referred to as 'Wang Kon and you are to fetch King Hannibal of the Carthaginians for me' And what is my mission?
Kon's Kid: ... what are you, an idiot?
Wang Kon: Accepted. I am to be an idiot.
Kon's Kid: *slaps hand on forehead* Ow.

Kon's Kid: And then, I brought Hannibal over to my palace.

Hannibal: Hohoho! Fresh meat! *leers at Kon's Kid*
Kon's Kid: Do you want a taste? Come here, if you please.
Hannibal: *leans forward*
Kon's Kid: *eyes flash yellow and back to brown*
Hannibal: Mistress, you taste horrible. I suggest taking a bath.
Kon's Kid: *bawls and runs out of the room* The world hates meeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Nobel: By joves I've got it! It's ridiculously simple! Any old fool could have-
Kon's Kid: And then, I met up with Hannibal's servant, Janice.
Janice: Hey guys! *hiccups*
Kon's Kid: And we all know what color my eyes flashed then.
Pippin: The same as before?
Kon's Kid: No! The first was red, the second was yellow. And the third was?
Pippin: Green?
Kon's Kid: No! I can't believe I want to marry you.
Pippin: Waah! I'm colorblind.
Janet: (seriously) Pippin, we were watching in grayscale.
Pippin: Oh. Wait, you wanna marry me! I can't get married. (hysterically) I'm not even of age. I'm not royalty. And I've got no pants!
Kon's Kid: That's okay. I don't either. (Cue: Cheesy Transformation Sequence 2)
Pippin: Holy cows!
William: *snorts and wakes up* Eh what? I wasn't sleeping!
Janice: *steps in quickly* I wasn't drinkin' the beer! *burps*
Sham: (still sleeping) Stab 'em. Harder, faster. Harder, faster!
Nobel: Yes, it's so perfect, if it vere female, I vould hug it and kiss it!
Kon's Kid: Moooo.
Janet: I'm not afraid of you. I've milked cows before.
Pippin: I'm gonna marry a cowwww!
Knarl: I feel your pain Pippin. And not that way either, Janet!
Janet: *snickers* Right. *farts and blushes*

Records found dating 250 BC
Knarl: (cynically) So basically, we've got to stop the creature from marrying Pippin.
Janet: Exactly, anything girl that has only one big saggy boob that pisses anywhere she wants, lactating all over the place-
Knarl: Enough!
Janet: With its three stomachs, and no manners-
Pippin: Janet! Ewwww! I don't wanna. *starts to cry*
Janet: Don't worry, it's probably vegetarian.
Knarl: *picks up a skull* (sarcastically) My, what a curiously shaped pebble this is.
Kindle: Well, this is so not chic, I'm leaving. *exits*
Sham: Okay, troops, first plan of action. Save your commander! Aaaah! *runs out the door*
Cow: Get them.
Wang Kon: Get who?
Hannibal: I'm on it. *grins devilishly and exits*
Cow: Noowwwww!
Wang Kon: Instruction denied. Only one big moo was heard.
Cow: *kicks Wang Kon out the door*
Wang Kon: Aagh! (shakily) 'm okaaay.
Cow: So, Pippin. It's time.
Pippin: How ironic. The hero is now so helpless.
Nobel: Iron is a tough material. Some people are so hard-headed too. Did you know that being stubborn is bad for you health? I've read once that being healthy makes you smart. That means that I'm healthy and smart and physically active-
William: Pippin. Don't talk like that. It's not like I've betrayed you or anything.
Pippin: Haven't you?
William: Uh, no. *looks the other way and whistles*
Janice: Ooh! Wouldja lookat that! Our first iron export. Everyone gets a piece. One for you... *hands out iron swords to everyone*
Janet: *takes her piece* Wait a minute. How ironic.... Pippin, are you just acting stupid or something?
Knarl: I bet he is.
Pippin: Look what I can do! *rides the cow*
Cow: Get offa me! *tries but fails to buck off Pippin.*
Knarl: ... or not.
Janet: Knarl, help me. You too Nobel. *they start hacking at the bronze bars*
William: *starts hacking too* Ooh, this looks fun!
Cow: MOOOO! Stop! You're ruining everything.
Janice: I hic never knew iron could be so luxurious. *starts cutting too* (Cue: Clang!)
Cow: MOOOOO!
Janet: Yes!
Knarl: Rock!
Cow: Grrr.... *gallops, leans forward, and kicks Pippin back*
Pippin: *falls off* Aaaaah. Ow. *lands on William*
William: My spleen....
Nobel: Now, vould be a great time to tell you, my lord of ze vonderful discoveries zat ze Doc-tor Nobel have made. Did you know zat our ideas of ze Code of Laws and our Philosophies can be brought together for a new government style?
William: I am in pain. Tell me more.
Nobel: Yes, vell....
Janet: (meanwhile) Pippin! *hugs him*
Pippin: Janet! *hugs her*
Kindle: *screams running in and jumps on Knarl*
Knarl: Get offa me, woman! *pushes her off*
Wang Kon, Hannibal, and Cow: *enter*
Cow: You thought you could escape me.
Janet: Well, yes, considering how you ran away from us....
Cow: Well, I was only running away to get ... this! *reveals Sham ready to be chopped up by Janice*
Janet: Janice! No!
Cow: You may be wondering, why is William not under my spell.

Records found dating 230 BC
Knarl: (louder and louder) Will-i-am!
William: (resignedly) What did I do this time?
Janet: You took false lessons from Janice?
William: We made really good gummi bears too. And she talked about a weird game where I capture you guys and stuff so that Pippin could marry a bovine. I don't know what a bovine is, but I was happy that Pippin would be getting married-
Knarl: The only bovine that Pippin will be getting married to is Janet.
Janet: ???
Knarl: Now, let's save Sham. *dashes off to Hannibal*
Janet: *waits a while* Was that a compliment or an insult? *rushes Wang Kon*
William: Uh huh. And then what do the people do?
Nobel: Vell, you see....
Pippin: Wait Janet! *runs blindly*
Cow: MOOOO! *Pippin runs into Cow and knocks it onto its head* How did you know how to defeat me? ... *disappears*
Pippin: Aaaagh! *runs to exit*
Janet: ... I guess that turned out well.

Records found dating 170 BC
Janet: I don't think anyone likes you, William. They say you did this out of your own free will. And they also disapprove of your appointing Janice as your Trade Advisor.
William: *raises his arms in the air* (innocently) Can I help it if I love gummi bears?
Janet: Well, can I help it if I just accidentally slap you silly?
William: ... uh oh. *runs*
Nobel: Ve vill call zis ze Republeek of ze people! Viva el Rey!
Pippin: Doesn't that mean we're a communist society with monarchs?
Nobel: You obviously haff no idea vat in ze vorld you are talking about. Okai-ee?
Pippin: *edges away slowly eyeing Nobel, then rushes to exit*
Sham: Are you sure you're not impressed?
Janice: Oh I am. But you gotta try my gummi bears first!
Sham: *groans*
Kindle: Come on, Knarl. Cheer up! I know a game we could play.
Knarl: I know a game too. It's called Shut-The-Underworlds-Up. You can go first.
Kindle: ...

Tribute: And that's the end of what I can do without the save. Obviously, every ten chapters or so would be an age. But that cannot occur. Please read my next story that has already started "The Fiery French" linked in my signature.
Janet: You're just a lazy unimaginative bum. Was that plaigarism in there?
Tribute: Uh, no. So don't sue me. *runs off*
William: Does this mean I can go to bed now?

I obviously would've won this one without any difficulties. Of course.

But without the saves, the tale is over. There's so much more I would've been able to write....

But thank you readers for enjoying my tale.

I read them and its kinda funny.

Tribute, I read them. But I've been kinda busy and so I just saved them and read them at home so I couldn't post my comments..sorry :(