"does your bird want a three some ,sorry wrong convo" reece myles in a 5 peaple convosation (msn)

So, you want us to post random quotes here or what? Some guidelines in your OP would be nice...

if that was said accidently in an MSN conversation, why is it all in the same line. that's the equivalent of saying;

'This topic bites..... oh sorry wrong conversation'

However, seeing as I saw one earlier which I just loved, I'll play along before this gets moved to H&J or wherever.

Talking about the NFL player Jim Brown - 'When tackling him, all you can do is grab hold, hang on and wait for help'

Bright day
Can anybody point me to these degenerate western sluts? Being virgin is not good for twenty year old man. Even trip to vile and sinnful America didn't help .
From Gladi, in the women's lib thread.

Someone who was working with Ajax (to program web sites for the people who don't know Ajax)
"Ajax is a pain in the ass"

Me
"These Greeks and their strange sexual practice!"

:mischief:

See the grey part of my sig. I acutally overheard a mother say that to her daughter over the weekend :shake:

"my hovercraft is full of eels"

See the grey part of my sig. I acutally overheard a mother say that to her daughter over the weekend :shake:

please tell me you're kidding?

please tell me you're kidding?
That's a negative. I overheard them in Sainsbury's on Sunday morning :eek:

Welcome to Leigh.

"my hovercraft is full of eels"

Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime. :mischief:

Would you like to come back to my place, bouncy-bouncy!?

'If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.'

"He said 'Come on you ******* Aussie ****'. I said '**** you, you Pommie ****wit'. He said 'Let's go, let's go, I will belt you, you Aussie T***'.
Australian rugby league star Willie Mason tries to defend the punch that floored Britain's Stuart Fielden.

"It's hard to have a 10-minute conversation in five seconds. It sounds like we've been pen pals we've been talking that much."
Fielden gives his version of events.

"I can take a punch with the best of them but if you get caught sweet it doesn't matter if you're Lennox Lewis."
Fielden again.

Source (http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/funny_old_game/6137094.stm)

"My nipples explode with delight!"

Some Voltaire quotes related to CFC-OT :

Opinions have caused more ills than the plague or earthquakes on this little globe of ours.

The best is the enemy of the good.

To hold a pen is to be at war.

Would you like to come back to my place, bouncy-bouncy!?

Well, now you put it like that, how can I refuse :D


PS. you are a chickadee arn't you?

"England and America are two countries divided by a common language."
George Bernard Shaw (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Bernard_Shaw)

"We would have won if they hadn't beaten us"
-Yogi Berra

"Absence of evidence isnt evidence of absence."

I think I'm following on from Bozo with:

"I'm not into this detail stuff. I'm more concepty."

"I don't do quagmires."

"I don't do diplomacy."

"I don't do foreign policy."

"I don't do predictions."

"I don't do numbers."

"I don't do book reviews."

All good ol' Dennis Rumsfeld (http://politicalhumor.about.com/cs/quotethis/a/rumsfeldquotes.htm). Who does make sense in a nonsensical way.

"If I'm not me, then who the hell am I" -Arnold S. in Total Recall.

:crazyeye:

I think I'm following on from Bozo with:

"I'm not into this detail stuff. I'm more concepty."

"I don't do quagmires."

"I don't do diplomacy."

"I don't do foreign policy."

"I don't do predictions."

"I don't do numbers."

"I don't do book reviews."

All good ol' Dennis Rumsfeld (http://politicalhumor.about.com/cs/quotethis/a/rumsfeldquotes.htm). Who does make sense in a nonsensical way.
Isnt he wonderful? I'll miss the nutty old codger.

Speak for yourself Bozo!"My nipples explode with delight!""I'm so happy, I think my balls will fall off!"

~ Ruprect The Monkey Boy in 'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels'

Moved to H&J. Let's try and keep it clean as well.

Speak for yourself Bozo!
A lousy Secretary of Defense, but a first rate quote generator.

"If I'm not me, then who the hell am I" -Arnold S. in Total Recall.

:crazyeye:
I think we could do a whole thread just with Arnie quotes.

"Well I hope you left enough room for my fist, coz I'm going to ram it into your stomach and rip out your spine!" - Arnie (I forget which film but hey, they're all the same anyways)

"A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven." - Jean Chretien

"what do expect their armerican" anon

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bi*ch."

"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce." - Don Quinn

"Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next." - Franklin P. Jones

"A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking." - Arthur Block

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." - Jack Handey

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it." - Franklin P. Jones

"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific." - Jane Wagner

''Why is it in war you can't fall asleep when you want to and can't stay awake when you have to?", from Stephen Pressfield's book The Gates of Fire

"He called me Chief Pigham!! Oh wait, now I get it hah hah" - Chief Wigham offa tha Simpsons

Actually, it's "He called me Piggum! Oh wait, now I get it hah hah" - Chief Wiggum ;)

Actually it's "Sideshow Bob has no decency! He called me Chief Piggum! (laughter) Oh, now I get. He he he, that's good." if we're going to walk the pedant line on it. ;)

Source 1 (http://www.nohomers.net/SBA/9F22.html)

Source 2 (http://www.lardlad.com/assets/quotes/season5/cape.shtml)

"There's nothing I like less than bad arguments for a view that I hold dear." - Daniel Dennett

"Don't forget to bring a towel!" - Towelie

“Trust, encouragement, reward, loyalty... satisfaction. That’s what I’m...you know. Trust people and they’ll be true to you. Treat them greatly, and they will show themselves to be great.” - David Brent

"I think that I shall never see, my cataracts are blinding me." - Hans Moleman

David Brent: “This is Sanj, this guy does the best Ali G impersonation, Aiiieee. I can’t do it, go on, do it.”
Sanj: “I don’t, must be someone else.”
David Brent: “Oh, sorry, it’s the other one-”
Sanj:“The other what..... Paki?”
David Brent: “Ah, that’s racist.”

"I kick arse for the Lord!" -Father Mcgruder in Braindead.

:D

"In fact, you aren't even a part of these United States...which makes you...a Communist!" - Adam West, mayor of Quahog

"I turn my body from the sun. What ho, Tashtego! let me hear thy
hammer. Oh! ye three unsurrendered spires of mine; thou uncracked
keel; and only god-bullied hull; thou firm deck, and haughty helm,
and Pole-pointed prow,--death-glorious ship! must ye then perish,
and without me? Am I cut off from the last fond pride of meanest
shipwrecked captains? Oh, lonely death on lonely life! Oh, now I
feel my topmost greatness lies in my topmost grief. Ho, ho! from all
your furthest bounds, pour ye now in, ye bold billows of my whole
foregone life, and top this one piled comber of my death! Towards
thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last
I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's
sake I spit my last breath at thee. Sink all coffins and all hearses
to one common pool! and since neither can be mine, let me then tow to
pieces, while still chasing thee, though tied to thee, thou damned
whale! THUS, I give up the spear!"

Captain Ahab, in Melville's Moby Dick

Jack Slater: Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house?
Tough Asian Man: I beg your pardon?
Jack Slater: It's a beautiful day and we're out killing drug dealers--are there any in the house?

Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son." - Lionel Hutz

"i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet"

<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?

rmsharpe on communism:

Maoism is just a mix of people starving and bad poetry.
http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=4598572&postcount=91

The ideal communist country is one that's easy to escape from.
http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=4711892&postcount=8

If communists understood communism, they wouldn't be communists.
http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2182171&postcount=44

"Communism has only killed 100 million people, let's give it another chance!"
http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=920623&postcount=23

We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years. ~Nick Faldo discussing his divorce

"Yar, sometimes I wonder why I bother plunderin' at all. " - The Sea Captain

"Knights of Columbus that hurt!"- Ron Burgundy

"Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courgage to say something!!" - Ron Burgundy

"I have killed two people since midnight. I haven't slept in over 24 hours. So maybe you should be a little more afraid of me than you are now." - Agent Jack Bauer "24"

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

"No Mr. Bond I expect you to die" - Goldfinger

A few quotes from CFC that I've saved over the years...

""illegal emagrents shold be sent back to mexico... i mean whear ever thay came from if 1, cant respecet our laws by comeing into the nation legaly, and 2, if thay cant learn to speack english.""

(I have no idea who said this here, but I really love reading it, especially for the second reason.)

If they won't join you - beat them!
(Someone's sig line.)

Ethics? This is a computer game. It's all ones and zeros, baby! - (The Great Quan)

God grant me the serenety to avoid the civs too big for me,Courage to crush the ones I can, and the wisdom to know when to win by spaceship".- sabo10 (

blackheart: Apparently me razing and murdering millions of people in Civ3 isn't as violent as me shooting a demon in the head in Doom 3.
shortguy: It isn't that bad; some of them are converted into slaves, if it makes you feel any better.

cgannon64: If you could live on the greatest street in the world, what would it be named? (I Don't want ironic or silly or smartass answers. )
azzaman333: Ironic rd. Silly St. Smartass Ave.

Fallen Angel Lord: We have a right to live. Do we have the right to take our own life if we wish?
John HSOG: Yes. In fact, in your case, I insist on it.

(Discussing the pros and cons of online friends.)
slozenger: Con: You're talking to a load of weirdos sitting in nothing more than their boxers.
Perfection: You think I bother with boxers?

slozenger: i couldn't learn French to save my life!
Steph: You should learn some martial arts or have some first aid training. It's more efficient to save your life than French.

(Subject: "Me no like Valentines day... :( )
Jawz II: its called "me no likey Valentines day. Learn proper English.

sahkuhnder: #21. Don't call chicks "chicks" if you actually want to get anywhere with them.
WillJ: Exactly. Call them "broads".

betazed: Ah! so they are not an exceptions after all. I am always glad when on closer examination my theory encompasses data points that were originally thought to be in contradiction!
The Last Conformist: Congratulations! I have no idea whatsoever what you are talking about.

nonconformist: Bloody hell, you're a nerd.
The Last Conformist: I prefer to think of myself as a gentleman of wide-ranging interests and refined tastes.

(On a thread about the opposite sex)
Ramius75: Still hunting...
kingjoshi: That's your problem. Stop shooting them!

classical_hero: Why can't I find a girl online?
Hitro: Because you hang out at an approximately 95%+ male internet forum.

Vietcong: i hiter? ...well why the hell is hitler so bad?
Left: Well, you know that whole systematic extermination thing.

the mormegil: Americans should like us because we spawned you. But then kids always hate their parents, or try to at least.
Loaf Warden: Well, to be fair, we were your oldest and you hadn't really learned how to be good parents yet. Your rules were too strict, and we got upset for a hile. You seem to have done much better with our younger siblings, Canada, Australia, and New Zealand. But at least we've patched things up. We stuck up for you when Germany got pushy. And when it's time to put you in a home, we'll make sure you only get the very best.

CivCynic: BTW, how did she become pregnant in the first place?
Hamlet: Well, when a girl and boy get together, they get certain urges...

My harddrive is littered with these. ;)

:lol: Some of those are absolutely brilliant

I think we should teach evolution in Church.
http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2970118&postcount=26

-Stratego

"Me fail English? That's unpossible" - Ralph Wiggum

"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next." - Russell Crowe, Gladiator

No Birdjaguar Love? For shame.

Dr. Thunderfall will see you now...

Down the hall and to the right
You'll find his office pure delight;
Hello, King Ansar, step right in,
That's a nasty rash on pale white skin;
There it's blue that's dark as night,
And here it's green; oh what a sight;
Those red welts are oozing pus,
Nurse Lefty should've made a bigger fuss.
Hmmm...
Any thoughts on whence these swellings came?
It's so nice to lay some blame;
Troll bites can leave such contusions
Or flaming candles during birthday confusion;
Your thoughts might helpt to make things clear;
I'm at a loss, right now, I fear.
No exotic food food or crazy cream?
Piss in this cup let's check your stream.
Hmmm...
Your tests are done and quite complete,
Patient history all typed and neat;
Your illness is cured in just one session;
Listen well to this lesson:
No oils and ointments nor pills will do;
Over here I've got the cure for you;
Your rash is caused by outside air,
Sun and wind on flesh that's bare;
Here's the 'script, it'll work you'll see:

Post some more at CFC.

Hey, I'm in!!!

Well i know im quoted in ironducks sig. That makes me proud. :p

"I'll be your huckleberry..." Doc Holliday - Tombstone

This is one of my favorite CFC quotes:

Posting and alcohol has the same effect over time anyway. Blurred vision, high blood pressure, increased heart rate and delusions of grandeur.

:thumbsup:

This is one of my favorite CFC quotes:
Posting and alcohol has the same effect over time anyway. Blurred vision, high blood pressure, increased heart rate and delusions of grandeur.
:thumbsup:
Cheers matey, you prefered that to the "Chuck Norris Don't Drink Diet" quote? :dubious:

No spam on me:
"Write a wise saying and your name will live forever" - Anonymous (http://www.quotationspage.com/quote/932.html)

"It depends on what your definition of 'is' is"

I love that quote

Cheers matey, you prefered that to the "Chuck Norris Don't Drink Diet" quote? :dubious:

Ah, I thought that one dead and buried. Sorry mate!

As to not spam this thread - this is my favorite historical quote:

"If there is ever another war in Europe, it will come out of some damned silly thing in the Balkans." -Bismarck.

Ah, I thought that one dead and buried. Sorry mate!
I was only joking Troops. Don't worry, it's forgot about :)

"I wouldn't say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one" - Brian Robson - Former Manager of Nottingham Forest F.C

"We talk about it for 20 minutes and then we decide I was right" Brian Robson - Former Manager of Nottingham Forest F.C

Sam from LOTR or some british person-"Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit it's tea time already?"

Brandine and Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel from The Simpsons hugging in a barn.
Brandine: "Cletus I can't do nothing with my Mom watchin' over there."
Cletus: "She's my Mom too Brandine".

rmsharpe on communism:

Maoism is just a mix of people starving and bad poetry.
http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=4598572&postcount=91

The ideal communist country is one that's easy to escape from.
http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=4711892&postcount=8

If communists understood communism, they wouldn't be communists.
http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=2182171&postcount=44

"Communism has only killed 100 million people, let's give it another chance!"
http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=920623&postcount=23:lol: :lol: :lol: And who says rmsharpe isn't of value round here!?
This is one of my favorite CFC quotes:
Posting and alcohol has the same effect over time anyway. Blurred vision, high blood pressure, increased heart rate and delusions of grandeur.I agree. That's a gem.

----

"The Transformers are nothing but a bunch of plastic fairies, whose bits fall off." ~ Rambuchan, just now.

Well back in my day they were made from cold hard steel and cost a weeks worth of my Father's wages :smug:

"We cannot assume the injustice of any actions which only create offense, and especially as regards religon and moralsTransformers. He who utters or does anything to wound the conscience and moral sense of others, may indeed act immorally; but, so long as he is not guilty of being importunate, he violates no right." - Karl Wilhelm Von Humboldt

"Independence? That's middle class blasphemy. We are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth." - George Bernard Shaw

"Don't worry mister B, I have a cunning plan to solve the problem..." - Baldrick Blackadder

"Don't worry mister B, I have a cunning plan to solve the problem..." - Baldrick Blackadder"Is it as cunning as a fox what used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University but has moved on and is now working for the U.N. at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning?"

~ Baldrick, in response to Blackadder announcing a cunning plan.

---

edit: Here's another corker from Blackadder....

Baldrick:
Would you like some rat au vin to help you think?

Blackadder:
Rat...au vin?

Baldrick:
Yeah, it's rat that's been...

Blackadder:
...run over by a van.

*chortles away to himself*

"I bent my Wookiee" - Ralph Wiggum

''There is no flying without wings'' - French Proverb

I could go for some good hearty quoting of thyself right about now.

"There's a more important reason to keep NASA's programs going strong ... to achieve that greatest of discoveries, the thing we as human beings need most: space oil." - Stephen Colbert

We also combined everything (the poor, sick, bedraggled) that left you European countries, plus Asian countries, plus African countries, plus S. American countries. I hate to use this phrase but, when you combine crap with crap, you ain't gonna get gold :sad: . We took effectively the lowest of the low from all these continents and smashed them all together. So don't expect it to run like a well oiled machine.
Don't look at me I didn't say it!

Thats right stick...im a lesbian
gotta love the goings on of IRC

A few Jack Handey quotations...

"I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him."

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."

"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy."

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late."

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'"

"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."

"Hippies.They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad." - Eric Cartmen

"All I have in this world is my balls, and my word, and I don't break 'em for no one, jou understand?" - Tony Montana: Scarface

''He who goes his own way doesn't need a map.''

"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!" -Alex de Large in A Clockwork Orange.

''Plucky you were, lad you weren't'' - Sargeant Jackrum

''When it comes to cunning I am Mister Fox'' - Sargeant Jackrum

"My nipples explode with the light" - John Cleese in the Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook

"pushy armiricans always showing up late for every war ,over paid,over fead,and over here" old chicken of chicken run

"My nipples explode with the light" - John Cleese in the Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook

I thought it was delight not the light?

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams

"A man is never complete until he is married then, he is finished" - anon

"A man never knows true happiness until her is married. By then, it is too late" - anon

I thought it was delight not the light?


You're right. Just looked up the sketch on Google. But the two do sound similar. ;)

"You mean to say they've taken what we thought we think and make us think we thought our thoughts we've been thinking our thoughts we think we thought... I think?"
Patrick Star

"I believe a gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."
Arnold Schwartzenegger

"What the hell is a glossary?"
Christopher Butler

"I love this job more than I love taffy ... and I'm a man who enjoys his taffy." - Adam West, Mayor of Quahog

All Arnold Schwarzenegger in Pumping Iron (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076578/maindetails):

"It's as satisfying to me as, uh, coming is, you know? As, ah, having sex with a woman and coming. And so can you believe how much I am in heaven? I am like, uh, getting the feeling of coming in a gym, I'm getting the feeling of coming at home, I'm getting the feeling of coming backstage when I pump up, when I pose in front of 5,000 people, I get the same feeling, so I am coming day and night. I mean, it's terrific. Right? So you know, I am in heaven."

"Milk are for babies, when you get older you drink beer"

"I was always dreaming about very powerful people, dictators and things like that. I was just always impressed by people who could be remembered for hundreds of years, or even, like Jesus, be for thousands of years remembered."

"Franco is pretty smart, but Franco's a child, and when it comes to the day of the contest, I am his father. He comes to me for advices. So it's not that hard for me to give him the wrong advices. "

"Windows likes stupid users, therefore it likes you"
--Me telling MjM off in IRC

Croxis should post here. He has a ton of quotes for everyone

Croxis should post here. He has a ton of quotes for everyone

"croxis is like a stalker, watching you when you least suspect" - Me in IRC

Shall we convert this to random cfc IRC quotes?

"<fifty> could I request that you close a thread of mine? <Colonel> Alert the Masses Hell Froze OVER!!!! <fifty> They keep threadjacking <Colonel> Fifty asked for a thread closeing :p"

Colonel and Fifty on fifty's request to have a thread closed

"You guys should be proud. You don't make idoits of yourselves as often." -- Strider in IRC

"Your condition, mydoggbarks, is quite common. It is known in the medical communiy as mental retardation." -- revolutionary2

"Croxis: The Pringles comercials are really about virginity. "Once you pop, the fun don't stop."

"Croxis quotes me on EVERYTHING. Hell, if I did a whole speech on the physical properties of Dr.
Pepper, the probable health issues, a statistical analysis of Dr. Pepper drinkers, and the possible effects of the drink on drinkers IQ... croxis would quote me on it." -- Strider

<Subi> You should write a poem about how I slapped you around with a trout, birdjaguar

<Bill3000> Oooh, look at me! I'm a pedophile! I don't care if you quote me on this to make me look bad!

If you want more random quotes come into the chatroom. If I am on then !quote away!

"And the award for worst costume this year goes to ... Stan, for his stupid little clown-thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children!" - Mr. Garrison

''The only way to win this game is to CRUSH YOUR ENEMYS' BACKBONE!''
-Whitey Hooten

From "The Full Monty"

Dave: [discussing possible means of suicide] Drowning. Now there's a way to go.

Lomper: I can't swim.

Gary 'Gaz' Schofield: Well you don't have to ****ing swim, you divvy, that's the whole point. God, you're not very keen are you?

Lomper: Sorry...

Dave: I know. You could stand in middle of road and have a mate run smack into you right fast.

Lomper: Haven't got any mates...

Gaz: Listen to you, we just saved your ****ing life so don't tell us we're not your mates, all right?

Lomper: Really?

Gaz: Yeah.

Lomper: Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Dave: Yeah, me and all, I'd run ya down as soon as look at ya.

Lomper: Oh aye? Cheers.

(sounds like the old CFC conversation which happens from time to time)

Let's not squander CivFan91's compilation (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showpost.php?p=3852329&postcount=33)!

"chickarita has gonnaria":shifty:

Aragorn: Gentlemen, we do not stop till nightfall.
Pippin: What about breakfast?
Aragorn: You've already had it.
Pippin: We've had one, yes. What about second breakfast?
Merry: I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.
Pippin: What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?
Merry: I wouldn't count on it.

--LoTR

"Oh wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder." - Bender

"I don't care what you use or how you use it; just sink the Bismarck!"
Sir Winston Churchill

"Go crazy?! Don't mind-if-I-do!!"
Homer Simpson

"We're still flying half a ship!"
Obi-Wan Kenobi

"I have no enemies. France has enemies."
Cardinal Reichlieu

"When in trouble,
When in doubt,
Run in circles,
Scream and shout!"
Captain Sam Starfall and Helix the robot

"I don't trust that doctor. I bet I've lost more patients than he's even treated." - Dr. Zoidberg

"I'm starting to think some of you aren't even real people" -- Zarn
"just give croxis a pet, and you might get quoted" -- stickciv

"Fascinating. No wait, the other one. Boring."
-Bender

"Pathetic humans! Prepare to write down the recipe!" - Morbo (Futurama)

Some from Pulp Fiction

Jules: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.


Butch: Will you hand me a towel, tulip?
Fabienne: Ah, I like that. I like tulip. Tulip is much better than mongoloid.


Jules: Mmmm! Goddamn, Jimmie! This is some serious gourmet ****! Usually, me and Vince would be happy with some freeze-dried Taster's Choice, but he springs this serious GOURMET **** on us! What flavor is this?
Jimmie: Knock it off, Jules.
Jules: [pause] What?
Jimmie: I don't need you to tell me how ****ing good my coffee is, okay? I'm the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys ****. Me, I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I want to taste it. But you know what's on my mind right now? It AIN'T the coffee in my kitchen, it's the dead ****** in my garage.
Jules: Oh, Jimmie, don't even worry about that...
Jimmie: No, let me ask you a question. When you came pulling in here, did you see a sign out in front of my house that said Dead ****** Storage?
Jules: Jimmie, you know I ain't seen no...
Jimmie: Did you see a sign out in front of my house that said Dead ****** Storage?
Jules: [pause] No. I didn't.
Jimmie: You know WHY you didn't see that sign?
Jules: Why?
Jimmie: 'Cause it ain't there, 'cause storing dead n*****s ain't my ****ing business, that's why!

''There is no action in this book!''
-Quoted from the Eskilstuna Library writing book

From Apocalypse Now,

Kilgore: I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for 12 hours. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like... victory.

Kurtz: I've seen horrors... horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that... but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face... and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies. I remember when I was with Special Forces. Seems a thousand centuries ago. We went into a camp to inoculate the children. We left the camp after we had inoculated the children for Polio, and this old man came running after us and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that. The genius. The will to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than we. Because they could stand that these were not monsters. These were men... trained cadres. These men who fought with their hearts, who had families, who had children, who were filled with love... but they had the strength... the strength... to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral... and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling... without passion... without judgment... without judgment. Because it's judgment that defeats us.

Kilgore: Charlie don't surf!

And on a lighter note, American Pie II

Jim's Dad: Your opinion of his taste in video rentals is not a priority lady. Ok? It's at the bottom of the totem pole. My son is sitting here right now with his hand glued to his penis, but that doesn't mean anything to you does it? Because you dont have a penis. Or maybe you do?

"Oh Marge, anyone can miss Canada, all tucked away down there" - Homer Simpsons, geographic expert

"D'OH!! What kind of genius put a prison on an island??"
Homer Simpson, jailbird

"Dad, what's a Muppet?"
"Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but maaahaahaann...hahaheeheehee... So, to answer your question I don't know."
Lisa and Homer Simpson, the Henson expert

"My bologna has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R, my bologna has a second name it's H-O-M-E-R..."
Homer Simpson, professional shower singer

Linda: "At least the windmills will keep them cool!"

Morbo: "WINDMILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! Good night."

"Friends! Help! A guinea pig tricked me!" Dr. Zoidberg, gullible crustacean

A conversation a little bit earlier in #civfanatics chat room

<Bill3000> I win
<Subi> and the prize is a night with MjM
<Bill3000> YES
<MjM> indeed
* MjM undresses
* Bill3000 takes off his pants
<Subi> oh great, #civfanatics just turned into a sex chat room
<Bill3000> haha
<Bill3000> wait
<Bill3000> MjM is underage
<Bill3000> eek
* Bill3000 runs away
<stickciv> take it to another room then
<Subi> Bill3000 is a pedophile! I better go alert the forums!

Jeremy Clarkson: Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.

Jeremy Clarkson: [about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

Jeremy Clarkson: [When driving the McLaren Mercedes SLR through a tunnel] When they debate as to what the sound of the SLK engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said "Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!" They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.

Jeremy Clarkson: [while playing the video game Gran Turismo] Aston Martin DB9, that's not a racecar, that's pornography.

Just in from our OT reporter Masquerouge:

I must admit the idea of condensing both religious threads and teen advice ones into one is... interesting.
"God, why can't I get laid?"

"Duffman thrusting in the direction of the problem!" - Duffman

"I would prefer not to." --Bartleby the Scrivener

Seen in another forum (I think):

"What's with all these ads for laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I would want to keep it."

"My plan to promote Dog River is working. An American tourist came here accidentally." - Mayor Fitzy Fitzergerald, mayor of Dog River on the show Corner Gas.

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea. Oh yes, they get all nervous and give silly answers." --a vox pop on A Bit Of Fry And Laurie.

"Is God an Englishman? Well, that's a tricky one. Theologians are pretty much undecided, but I think it's universally accepted that He isn't Welsh." --another.

"I would prefer not to." --Bartleby the Scrivener

It was also my very first sig when I joined here. :)



edit:

QUOTATION, n.
The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.

--Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Muhammad Ali: Last night I hit the light in the bedroom and was in the bed before the room went dark.


Muhammad Ali: Rivers, ponds, lakes and streams - they all have different names, but they all contain water. Just as religions do - they all contain truths.

Emma: You're going to the doctor.
Oscar: Over my dead body!
Emma: That'd speed things up.

Tourists don't eat yellow snow.

Karen: How stupid are you? You can't just fire your gun off willy-nilly!
Davis: It wasn't willy-nilly, it was at crows

You lose, General Kenobeh! [sicced for pronunciation]

-General Grievous

"You're about as useful as a poopy-flavored lolly pop!"---Patches O' Hoolihan from Dodgeball

Brent: Want me to fill it up?
Man: Sure. You know I've never driven across Saskatchewan before.
Brent: Well, you still haven't really. About halfway to go yet.
Man: Sure is flat.
Brent: How do you mean?
Man: You know, flat. Nothing to see.
Brent: What do you mean, like topographically? Hey Hank, this guy says Saskatchewan is flat.
Hank: How do you mean?
Brent: Topographically I guess. He says there's nothin' to see.
Hank: There's lots to see. There's nothin' to block your view.
Brent: There's lots to see. Nothin' to block your view. Like the mountains back there. They're uh... Well, what the hell? I could've sworn there was a big mountain range back there. Juttin' up into the sky all purple and majestic. I must be thinkin' of a postcard I saw or somethin'. Hey, it is kinda flat, thanks for pointin' that out.
Man: You guys always this sarcastic?
Brent: There's nothin' else to do.

''A big step for man, but a small step for me!''

Or was it the other way around?

"Celebacy is a hands on Job" - Ghost: Enter The Matrix

Babbler: When you have a castle in the sky, no shift in the ground can bother you."

In response to "are you afraid of getting old?"
Quasar1011: No. I'm more afraid of waking up with a moose in my bed.

Hank: Hey, Davis just gave me a parking ticket.
Wanda: Yeah, he gave me on too, and I'm parked in the parking lot.
Hank: Yeah, well I wasn't even parked. I was stopped at a stop sign, he came running out from behind a bush.

Jimmy Carr: When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to Michael Bolton.

Jimmy Carr: My Girlfriend asked me if I'd been having sex behind her back. Yes! Who did you think it was? Check next time.

''I used to be a mad veterinarian, but then I found out the big money was world-conquering evil plots, hehe!''
-Otis Ganglion

Man pulls into a gas station
Brent: Morning, want me to fill it up?
Marvin: Do you work here?
Brent: It'd be a pretty weird hobby.

"Keeping us up here eats away at families. Marriages suffer. The Democrats could care less about families, that's what this says!"
Jack Kingston, on the new 5-day-a-week congress schedule

"An invisible assailant OR did I just interview the wrong person? You, the VIEWER, decide!!"
Mike the T.V.

"I like Mr. Gorbachev - we can do business together."
Margaret Thatcher

"The more time passes, the more I am sorry about it. We did not learn enough from the mission to justify the death of the dog."
Oleg Gazenko, on Laika and Sputnik 2

Ricky Gervais: “Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take them off when they see him coming!”

Ricky Gervais: "I suppose I grew up wishing I was an American Jew for the comedy and the one-liners. Or actress who does a Holocaust movie because, as she explains, it's a surefire way to finally win an Oscar."

''There is a difference between tactics and strategy. Do you know that difference?''
-Upton Julius

Augustus Octavius : "I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble"

Graffiti on the Walls of Pompeii:
Virgula Tertio suo: indecens es.
Virgula to her Tertius: you are one horny lad!

Bob Slydell: You see, what we're actually trying to do here is, we're trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work... so, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh heh - and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.

Rocky III

Reporter: Clubber Lang, what's your prediction for the outcome of your upcoming fight with Rocky Balboa?
Clubber Lang: Pain.

:lol:

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

"One thing that I've always wanted to do every since I was little, I've always want to be abducted by a UFO. Yeah, sometimes I'd just go hang out in the woods. I'm just waiting for that blue light. {Screams} That's how they suck you up by a beam of light, they suck you up by your chest, and that's not necessary. Throw a rope ladder down, I'll climb up, I'm interested. I’m here for YOU. Don’t suck me up by my chest, that hurts... you're a hovering craft, why wouldn't I come in and poke around for a minute?"

-Dane Cook

Goodfellas
Henry Hill: You're a pistol, you're really funny. You're really funny.

Tommy DeVito: What do you mean I'm funny?

Henry Hill:It's funny, you know. It's a good story, it's funny, you're a funny guy.
[laughs]

Tommy DeVito: what do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What?

Henry Hill: It's just, you know. You're just funny, it's... funny, the way you tell the story and everything.

Tommy DeVito: [it becomes quiet] Funny how? What's funny about it?

Anthony Stabile: Tommy no, You got it all wrong.

Tommy DeVito: Oh, oh, Anthony. He's a big boy, he knows what he said. What did ya say? Funny how?

Henry Hill: Jus...

Tommy DeVito: What?

Henry Hill: Just... ya know... you're funny.

Tommy DeVito: You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little ****ed up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to ****in' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?

Henry Hill: Just... you know, how you tell the story, what?

Tommy DeVito: No, no, I don't know, you said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the **** am I funny, what the **** is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!

Henry Hill: [long pause] Get the **** out of here, Tommy!

Tommy DeVito: [everyone laughs] I almost had him, I almost had him. Frankie, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes, Henry. You may fold under questioning.

That was an amazing film moment. :goodjob:

That was an amazing film moment. :goodjob:

Totally ad libbed by Mr Pesci if the rumours are true.

William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
Anthony:
Blood and destruction shall be so in use
And dreadful objects so familiar
That mothers shall but smile when they behold
Their infants quarter'd with the hands of war;
All pity choked with custom of fell deeds:
And Caesar's spirit, ranging for revenge,
With Ate by his side come hot from hell,
Shall in these confines with a monarch's voice
Cry 'Havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war;
That this foul deed shall smell above the earth
With carrion men, groaning for burial.

''My precious pets, the subject is almost here! This is the opportunity I've been waiting for! I will have Mr. Chance on my tables soon... (Evil Laugh)''
-Otis Ganglion

Ah... good 'ol Doctor Ganglion.

Lucy Willing: "These are medical marvels, hardly monsters!"

Rex Chance: "Huge claws, sharp fangs... I don't have a dictionary handy, but the word 'monster' seems appropriate."

Ahh... IC, great game.

Homer Simpson: Ahhh Cobras!

Ah... good 'ol Doctor Ganglion.

Lucy Willing: "These are medical marvels, hardly monsters!"

Rex Chance: "Huge claws, sharp fangs... I don't have a dictionary handy, but the word 'monster' seems appropriate."

Ahh... IC, great game.
Agreed!

Ganglion: But if I help you, he'll kill me!
Rex Chance: I'll do worse!

Burn the village to the ground!

Prince Prospero (Vincent Price) in The Masque of the Red Death

OFF TOPIC: I never found out what happened after La Pette got toasted. I lost the disc... it's gotta be around here somewhere.

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.

OFF TOPIC: I never found out what happened after La Pette got toasted. I lost the disc... it's gotta be around here somewhere.
In short order: Rex and Lucy goes to the desert island where they find out that Upton is planning to take over the world. After they have destroyed Ganglion's lab Lucy get captured by The King (A sperm whale gorilla) and Rex forces Ganglion to help him. However, Ganglion stabs Rex's back then he lures him into a trap at The Island of The Crazies and after a couple of minutes Ganglion manages to steal the lab. But Rex takes a gyrocopter and goes to Isla Tarantula to set things straight with Upton and, well, end of the game!

''Combined creatures are also arranged in the fashion circles nowadays.''
-Velika La Pette

Chat room fun:

<RaisinBran> ok ok ok narz ill accept a G-string

Metagaming does not require a metaphysics engine.

-Something I thought of a few hours ago.

Caboose: I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while. Maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates.

Sarge: Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left. And the carpet. And the drapes. And I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back.

Envy is the basis of democracy.
Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness, VI, 1930.

From my previous sigs (sorry if anyone posted these before):

"If Noah was truly wise, he would've swatted those two flies" - Helen Castle

“Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac”
Henry Kissenger

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education”
Mark Twain

“It’s not that I don’t have opinions rather that I’m paid not to think aloud”
Yitzhak Navon

"Just drive down that road, until you get blown up"
- General George Patton, about reconnaissance troops

Mr. B: An optimist says, "The drink is half full." A pessimist says, "The drink is half full, but I might have bowel cancer."

"Courage without wisdom is foolishness."
Chinese Proverb

"Hey, it's every man for himself in this world. Now gimmie a boost up, will ya?"
Calvin, by Bill Watterson

"He grows up, and marries you. Is that what you wanted to hear?"
J.K. Rowling (to Lisa Simpson)

Guy: You smell that? That's the smell of spring, and I love it. You know what I love to do in spring? I love to come out into the woods, to walk amongst the budding trees, to smell and taste the hint of renewal that hovers in the air like a heady perfume, and to listen to the song of the birds who have returned from their long sojourn south. And bury the people I killed during the winter.
Kids in the Hall

''Amenvaf... OK, WHO pressed the big, red buttton?''

"EVERY path may lead you to God, even the weird ones. Most of us are on a journey. We’re looking for something, though we’re not always sure what that is. The way is foggy much of the time. I suggest you slow down and follow the main road that has the 2 billion followers though."

"Something smells like burning breakpads" (said to the tune of 'Deck the halls') - friend from school

I've been playing Paraworld a lot.

''Everything's okay up here!''
-Dustrider at Brachiosaur

''I don't feel so good, I think I'm going to bleu!''
-Dustrider at Brachiosaur

''But I'm all right now, I'm just bleu!''
-Dustrider at Brachiosaur

''Ever heard of the maximum legal labor period?''
-Norse worker

''Stop clicking me!''
-Dustrider worker

I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.
-Artemus Ward

Priest Maxi: Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.
Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish.
Priest Maxi: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
Kyle: I guess not.

"i dont like the look of this one ,his eyes are to close together and he's a yank!"
"pushy armericans always showing up late for every war,over paid,over fed and over here!"
the imperealistic chicken of chicken run

Danny Noonan: I haven't even told my father I'm not gonna get that scholarship. I'm gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.
Ty Webb: What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards.
Danny Noonan: I notice you don't spend too much time there.
Ty Webb: I'm not quite sure where they are.
Caddyshack

Lionel Hutz: "I rest my case"
Judge: "You rest your case? You've only called one witness!"
Lionel Hutz: "No, I thought that was just a figure of speech. Case closed."

Lionel Hutz: "Mr Simpson State Law forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But I promise you a big cash settlement"

Sea Captain: Yar, sometimes I wonder why I bother plunderin' at all.

The only truly happy people are married women and single men.

Quoted feom Robert Jousma, the man whose dutch grandparents fled to Sweden in the WWII:

''How do you do, you ****ing cartelage brain?''

''If I tell an immigrant in Rinkeby to take their education seriously, they would start shooting at me.''

''Ha, Internet? It's just a fly that will be unmodern soon.''

''I always wanted to be titulated as 'His majonnaisse'.''

Some from The West Wing

Sam: The 76 year old grandmother doesn't defend herself with a modified AK-47 Assault Rifle, Larry. Not unless she's defending herself against Turkish rebels.

"In a democracy idiots get to choose, in a dictatorship they get to rule."

- Bertrand Russell

"the people on who has interative with their tv and want to find more about the koeran bomb,push the red button on your remote"bbc person

Sam: Why are you so bent on countering these idiot leaflets?
Bruno: Because I am tired of working for candidates who make me think I should be embarassed to believe what I believe, Sam. I'm tired of getting them elected. You all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said liberal means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on communism, soft on defence, and we're going to tax ya back to the stone age, because people shouldn't have to go to work, if they don't want to. And instead of saying 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing reactionary xenophobic homophobic anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, leave it to beaver trip back to the fifties,' we cowered in the corner. And said 'Please Don't Hurt Me'. No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh, what do you say?

''I always wanted to do that''
-Guess! (Hint: The Faculty)

Soldier: Who goes there?
King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
Soldier: Pull the other one!
King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
Soldier: What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
Soldier: You're using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
Soldier: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
Soldier: Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
Soldier: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
Soldier: Well, this is a temperate zone
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
Soldier: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
Soldier: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
Soldier: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
Soldier: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please!
Soldier: Am I right?

Irrational Fears turn
Irrational gears that
CRUSH the people that turn them

-me

General Turgidson: Mr. President, we must not allow a mineshaft gap!

Judge: Mr. Hutz, are you aware you're not wearing any pants?
Lionel Hutz: Uh, your Honor, can I call for one of those bad trial thingys?
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: Yeah ... that's why you're the judge, and I am the law ... talkin' ... guy.

what do you call a group of panda's? A pandemonium. - Channel 10 late news :|

Classics from The Sopranos:

Adriana: You were saying she’s got a nice ass!
Christopher: I was trying to say something positive because she is your friend.
======
Paulie: You’re not gonna believe this. The guy killed 16 Czechoslovakians. He was an interior decorator.
Christopher: His house looked like ****.
======
Carmela: If you want her to be with him, just keep it up. Keep playing the race card. You gonna drive her right into his arms.
Tony: Not if I cut off those arms.
======
Gloria: Is it loaded?
Tony: There is nothing more useless then an unloaded gun.
======
See Chrisrossi's sig too.

''Oh, my!''
-Otis Ganglion

''AARGHH!''
-Otis Ganglion

I concur Senior Prince

Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: To the victor goes the spoils!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Now, get the **** outta here before I shoved that quotation book up your fat ****ing ass!


Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If I were you, I would seriously consider salads!
[Leaves]
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: Why won't you take a look in a mirror, you insensitive ****!



Salvatore 'Big *****' Bompensiero: Hey, Sil.
Silvio Dante: What?
Salvatore 'Big *****' Bompensiero: "What". I've been gone a long time. Let me hear it.
Silvio Dante: [imitates Al Pacino] Just when I thought I was out, THEY PULL ME BACK IN!

Classic!!!!

"Of course, the whole purpose of the Doomsday Machine is lost... if you keep it a SECRET!!"
Doctor Strangelove

"Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful."Samuel Johnson


"Be careful - with quotations, you can damn anything."
André Malraux

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty.
Lionel Hutz

''Augustus, stop eating your fingers!''

Ha ha wha. Oh, sorry I'm late. There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying when the monkeys stole the glasses off my head. Wh-ha ha.
(The screen fades.)
Oh, no, please no. I have a funny story if you listen. I even wrote theme music, here listen. Ha ha, mm-m hey hey, Professor Frink, Professor Frink, He'll make you laugh, he'll make you think, He likes to run, and then the thing, with the... mm-m person... Oh boy, that monkey is going to pay.
Professor Frink

"Reality leaves alot to the imagination" - John Lennon

Reporter: Tammy, what's your stand on abortion?
Tammy: Never on the first date.
Kids in the Hall

''I would leave, if I weren't so hungry!''
-Pest Vargas, from the movie Pest Vargas

"There is no emoticon for what I am feeling!" - Comic Store Guy

Heard in class:

Persian: Jews are such cheapskates!
Jew: Hey! I'm a jew!
Swede: Can you prove it?

"She said, 'I'm your biggest fan,' and I said, 'Who are you?' She said, 'Paris Hilton.'” - Ricky Gervais

“We're not arrogant, we just believe we're the best band in the world.” - Noel Gallagher

"I heard that there's a genetic predisposition for whinging in those who are born in Australia on days that have the letter 'Y' in the name."
- PrinceOfLeigh

French Soldier: Un cadeau.
Other French soldiers: A what?
French Soldier: A present.
Other French soldiers: Oh. Un cadeau.
Other French soldiers: Oui oui.
French Soldier: Allons y!
Other French soldiers: What?
French Soldier: Let's go!
Other French soldiers: Oh.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Heard in class:

Canadian Teacher: I promise you I will let you see Cesium, er I mean, Lithium burning tomorrow.

[some minutes later]

Canadian Teacher: And that's the reason Alkali Metals are so expensive, er I mean, reactive.

"Dear diary: Today I killed off Moose and Squirrel. Weather continues fair."
"Boris, look! They're safe!"
"Raskarnikoff! Now I got to erase whole page."
Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale

"What does Pottsylvania have more than any other country? Mean! We have more mean than any other country in Europe! We must export mean."
Fearless Leader

:hmm: :confused: I just made a post here, and it disappeared... I was coming back to edit it, and hope this doesn't end up as a double-post or a warning :scared:

In response to the thread wondering why Americans are getting shorter (or aren't getting taller):

That's because God created the Americans as they are now and they are stuck with a fixed height, when the Europeans are blessed with Evolution and can thus get taller.


Americans saying they have nothing in common with Europe are like children hating their parents when they reach puberty.

I've been quoted! :banana: I've been quoted! :bounce:

...And a fine quote it is, too!


"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down."
Mitch Hedberg

"Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose."
Andy Rooney

"Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something."
Thomas Edison

"Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life."
Immanuel Kant

"Laugh it up, fuzzball!"

-Han Solo

"William Tell could take an apple off your head, Taylor could take out a processed pea." - Sid Waddell's tribute to Phil 'The Power' Taylor.

Heard in corridor:

Finnswede: Hey! Are you ready, chinese?
Chinese: Pardon?
Finnswede: I said, are you ready, chinese?
Chinese: It's not my fault I'm a chinese. I don't wanna be a chinese!
Finnswede: You can ski. That's kinda cool for a chinese.
Chinese: Oh, don't start you too!

"im dont want to be posseed i want a happy meal"

In thread: "Some news to warm to very cockles of your heart" My cockles havent been this warm since Bush choked on a pretzel :hatsoff:

"The electrical business will be up and running in the next few weeks. It'll be a shock doing a full day's work again." - Brett Dallas, retiring from Rugby league to go back to work.

From The Simpsons

Drederick Tatum: Hey, cut it out, I insist that you desist!
Nelson: Sorry! I'm so sorry! *punches Tatum* Please don't hurt me!
Drederick Tatum: You leave me little recourse!

Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.
Groundskeeper Willie: You just made an enemy for life!

Bart: [sharpening knives] Dad, start diggin' some nerd holes!

Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...
[laughs hysterically]
Homer: So to answer your question, I don't know.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:

"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.”

"Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer.”

Fat Tony: Greetings, Homer.
Homer: Hey, Tony. Still with the mafia?
Fat Tony: Uh, yes, thank you for asking. You might remember, a while ago you were done a favor by our... how shall I put this... mafia crime syndicate.
Homer: Oh yeah, that's right?
Fat Tony: Well, I have come to inform you that now it's your turn to do us a favor.
Homer: Wait - you mean the only reason the Mob did me a favor was because they wanted something back in return? Fat Tony. I say good day to you, sir.
Fat Tony: [Ashamed] Okay... I'll go now.
[He leaves the building]
Fat Tony: Hey... wait a minute.

''A good enough bucket should probably be polished''
-My subcounciousness

Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.

Computer Store Guy: "Only suckers buy that machine; you're not a sucker are you?" :dubious:
Homer: "Good heavens no!"

Why don't you just change the thread title to 'Random Simpson Quotes'?

:p

Why don't you just change the thread title to 'Random Simpson Quotes'?

:p
Oooh get her!

From Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Eddie: They're armed.
Soap: What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what?
Eddie: Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!

=======================

Rory Breaker: If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think your bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now do you understand everything I've said? Because if you don't, I'll kill ya.

=======================

Barry the Baptist: ****ing northern monkeys!
Lenny: I hate these ****ing southern fairies!

"IF YOU DONT LET ME GO YOU GET CRUSHED WIT MY BUTTMUSCLE!" - Fifty

In response to VX250 moaning about all the God and religion threads:

Meh, if God cared that much he would register as a member and then we couldn't make user-specific polls about him.

This sequence made me lol in the library:

Dunno if this quite qualifies as weird, but Sophie's post about putting me in a freezer reminded me of it :mischief:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/6283677.stm

Kan since when did you (or your relatives) move to FL? ;)

Incredible how far they migrate. With a good tail wind at altitude scotsmen often make an anual migration as far as southern portugal and spain :mischief:

Squee! Quoted not once, but twice :)

Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.
Groundskeeper Willie: You just made an enemy for life!

Alarmingly true :lol:

Pondus comics: Mike Tyson on tour meeting local bodybuilders/drunkards...

Local bodybuilder: Greetings from Sweden, mister!
[SWOPP]
[SCHLUPP]
Judge: Don't kill him, Mike! Mike!!! DOWN!!!
Pondus: After him it's your turn, Jocke.
Jocke: I think I've lost control over the more vital bodyopenings...
Pondus: OK, Jocke, I'll give you some advice. You want to watch for his right swing. And his left swing. Ah, whatever, just run. Any body contact would be lethal.
Jocke: I don't think I'm into this anymore...
Commentaror: And in the left corner, wearing black trunks and weighing next to nothing: Jocke!
Audience: BOOH!
Commentator: And in the right corner: Mike Tyson!
Audience: YAY!
Jocke: Kiss it all goodbye, homeboy!
[PITCH]
Pondus: Jocke! What is your name?
Jocke: M- Mh- Mother Theresa?
Judge: Close enough! Try again!

I throw in a 'heard in class' too.

Math teacher: That was incredible!
Random persian: Thank you!
Math teacher: It wasn't meant as a compliment.
Random persian: Oh.

Me: Whoo! I got ubuntu to work!
Friend: Commie, installing linux...
Me: Would a Commie make such a nice interface?
Friend: Okay, not commie for that, but you're still a commie for putting Linux on your iPod

"you love communism more then me"wendy
"of caorse i love you wendy but in all fairness communism was here first"corey

btw this was in england

"I picked the wrong play, I chose the wrong director, I hired the wrong cast...
Where did I go right??"
Max Bialystock

"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault."
Henry Kissinger

"We don't bother much about dress and manners in England, because as a nation we don't dress well and we've no manners."
George Bernard Shaw

"Turn the spotlight inward."
Mohandas Ghandi

Very random indeed: No number of allegations of impartiality actually imply impartiality. <snip> Me and my mates hereby allege you are a frog. There's a lot of us therefore you are a frog.

tv inspectors? that's an old joke. apparently last year a detector van came round this area (a virtual licence free zone). nothing more has been heard. (i don't think the locals ate them, but it's possible.)

I eat dead animals, and then incorporate their proteins into my emmissions.

That'll teach 'em.


At this rate I'll turn into Croxis the Second, or even usurp his position as Collector of Quotes. :mischief:


In The weather was hot/cold/rainy/windy today. Who do we blame?:
For future reference, here's who you're supposed to blame.


EVENT ---------------------- BLAME

Blizzards ------------------ ExxonMobil
Cold weather --------------- Rush Limbaugh
Drought -------------------- Microsoft
Fog ------------------------ Pfizer
Hail ----------------------- IBM
High humidity -------------- FOX News Channel
Hot wealther --------------- Philip Morris
Hurricanes ----------------- Karl Rove
Ice ------------------------ Monsanto
Rain ----------------------- Bush administration
Snow ----------------------- Wal-Mart
Thunderstorms -------------- CEOs
Tornados ------------------- McDonald's
Wind ----------------------- General Dynamics

''You are not the watch on your wrist, you are not the car you drive. Remember: You're in charge.''

"Minimal collateral damage" and "entire star system" do not belong in the same sentence. (http://www.schlockmercenary.com/d/20050326.html)

V: Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.

From the Cyborg Factory wonder movie in Alpha Centauri:

A handsome young Cyborg named Ace,
Wooed women at every base,
But once ladies glanced at
His special enhancement
They vanished with nary a trace.

-- Barracks Graffiti,
Sparta Command

Heard in class:

Me: Introducerades.
Random Persian: Felippe Torredes?
Me: Huh?

More webcomic examples!

"Nothing says 'condolences on the loss of your uncle' like a ninja death squad in the night." (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0410.html)

Most terrifying threat in the history of CFC:

I have a Triangle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangle_(instrument)) and i'm not afraid to use it. :p:run: :scared:

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

xcl, xcl, xcl.

No, no, you see the rules of language are purely arbitrary stodgy ivory-tower cr@p we doesn't have to worried aboard because everytime history on you rebendible sausage mountain.

Teehee, I think I got around 10chars

"Got a chimp?"
-N'kisi the parrot

In deserting you Fortune has taken her friends with her and left those who are really yours.
xclxclxcl.

"I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!"
--Kermit the Frog

after this upgrade i'm going to start my new career as a tryquarter

i also got around the 10 chars rule

Heard/Said in class!

Me: L.A stands for Los Angeles! Why writing LAP?
Chinese: Why not? Why being like everybody else?
Me: Are you calling me one in the crowd!?
Chinese: <cough> I was J/K.
Me: Hm.

I throw this in as a bonus:

Charmander: You're saying you're a human?
Me: Yes.
Charmander: But you look like a Mudkip in every way! Um... you're kind of weird...

Science does not promise absolute truth, nor does it consider that such a thing necessarily exists. Science does not even promise that everything in the Universe is amenable to the scientific process.

Isaac Asimov

religion and politics do not mix well, like blancmange and bacon.

:hmm:

Also, I think we ought to give Svalbard the official title of "Vassal", their tribute could be two polar bears a year. The only reason for this is that I would really like to see a Svalbardian delegation walking up a main street with two polar bears in tow.

:D :PhillipPullman'sArmouredBears:

I vote for Dead because he is supsicious...

The funniest thing ever said in a mafia game.