The HEhe HAha Joke Thread 2.0 [Archive] - Civilization Fanatics' Forums

CCRunner

Mar 22, 2009, 04:27 PM

Old Thread (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=129270)
Post a short, funny joke. Lame ones belong in the lame joke thread. And since Uat2d so generously posted a link to the Lame Joke thread, here it is... http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=80851

Since I don't have a joke handy, here's one I stole from the old thread :D
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will provide you with oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador Answered, "One of them is a cannibal!

Huayna Capac357

Mar 22, 2009, 08:26 PM

Dang, I really wanted to start this thread...:(

uat2d

Mar 23, 2009, 02:48 AM

Dang, I really wanted to start this thread...:(

That's a lame joke... Post it here (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=80851)... ;)

:lol:

Yui108

Mar 28, 2009, 10:15 AM

The african joke should instead have 1 of the 6 ladies have Aids.

MagisterCultuum

Mar 28, 2009, 08:24 PM

That is what I was expecting.

CCRunner

Mar 28, 2009, 08:26 PM

OK, fine, I changed it.

Virote_Considon

Mar 29, 2009, 01:00 PM

But I liked the cannibal variant!..

CCRunner

Mar 29, 2009, 01:08 PM

. :suicide:

Yeekim

Mar 30, 2009, 04:08 AM

But I liked the cannibal variant!..
Plus, I believe it would be really difficult for the man to get AIDS this way.

Love

Mar 30, 2009, 08:53 AM

Yeah. And it wouldn't strike him immidietly, so he wont know he lost

CCRunner

Mar 30, 2009, 08:58 AM

. :suicide:QFT

I've changed it back to cannibal (I prefer that one too) and that's the way it's gonna stay.:D

Abaddon

Mar 31, 2009, 02:50 PM

OMG, my thread, my glorious thread :cry:

Matthew5117

Apr 04, 2009, 11:19 PM

Before the age of digital cameras, an English family decided that for their annual vacation they would go camping in Spain. All the campsite near the beaches were full but they were happy enough to find a peaceful site in some woods farther inland. They went to bed exhausted from the trip but happy and looking forward to a relaxing break.
But halfway through then night they were woken by the sound of the Throaty Roar of Motorcycle Engines and then kept awake for several hours by the sound of loud talking, swearing, and intermittent bursts of laughter. The next morning they arose to discover that their woodland idyll had been shattered by the arrival of chapter of Hells Angels. One afternoon the family returned to the campsite to see several bikers scurrying away from the camper, but it wasn't clear whether or not they'd been inside. The family went in and checked their belongings but nothing was missing, even their daughter's camera that had been left in full view on the table.
Strangely, from that moment on the bikers seemed to lose interest in the tormenting the family, who only found out what had happened when they returned home and had their photographs developed.
Along with shots of the local sights and the children playing on the beach were a dozen pictures of the Hells Angels taking turns posing, inside the camper, with the family's toothbrushes firmly wedged in their backsides.

As disgusting as it may be, its hilarious! :rotfl:

CCRunner

Apr 08, 2009, 12:54 AM

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467," cried the teacher, "what in the world were you selling?"

"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny. "Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "how could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Chip and Dip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing.

'Hey, this tastes like poop!' Then I would say, "It is poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

PhroX

Apr 08, 2009, 04:57 AM

Here's a couple I find mildly amusing:

A pair of married scientists have twin sons. The first they name John, the second Control.

A man's lying in bed with his girlfriend when she says to him: "I have a confession to make. Before we met, I was a hooker."
"Thank you for telling me," the man replies. "it mean a lot to me that you can admit that to me." He pauses for a minute, before continuing: "But, you know, the thought of it excites me a bit. Could you tell me about it?"
"I don't know..."
"Please"
"Well, alright....My name was Nigel and I played for Wasps"

dwaxe

Apr 09, 2009, 05:12 AM

Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $200 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

However...

If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.

Game over. Nerd wins.

Yeekim

Apr 09, 2009, 10:35 AM

Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
178,100 x 365 = 65,006,500...

CCRunner

Apr 13, 2009, 10:29 PM

I don't really know where to put this....
The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

Matthew5117

Apr 13, 2009, 10:46 PM

You won't get this unless your American (or have some knowledge of Americans)
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.

They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Firestorm94

Apr 14, 2009, 12:48 AM

:lol: that was great.

Mirc

Apr 14, 2009, 05:08 AM

It's way funnier when you replace those police departments with state police of different countries, and the last one is the USSR. ;)

Bigfoot3814

Apr 29, 2009, 08:54 PM

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag.

One is white, plastic, and dangerous to children, and the other is a grocery bag.

PhroX

Apr 30, 2009, 02:52 AM

A group of animals are arguing about who's the most fearsome:

The bear says "Im the most fearsome. When I growl, everyone in the forest trembles with fear"

The tiger says "Im the most fearsome. When I roar, everyone in the jungle cowers in terror"

The pig says "That nothing. When I cough, the world craps itself".

Zack

Apr 30, 2009, 04:32 PM

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a priest?

They way they say amen.A priest says, "amen," while Michael Jackson says... "Ah, men."

Huayna Capac357

Apr 30, 2009, 04:54 PM

I heard it as:

What's the difference between a minister, Episcopal priest, and a Catholic priest?

The minister says Amen. The Episcopal priest says Ah...men...The Catholic priest says Ah...boys...

Thorvald of Lym

May 01, 2009, 11:06 PM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change! The chicken needed change! CHANGE!

JOE BIDEN: This is the first mainstream chicken that is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking pullet.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN: Because, praise Jesus, I was gonna shoot his sorry liberal ass off for blocking my view of Russia!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -right from Day One!- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'this' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'other' side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die, in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like the 'other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Wait -- did I miss one?

Onionsoilder

May 02, 2009, 09:46 AM

Zack

May 02, 2009, 02:37 PM

Omni314

May 02, 2009, 07:11 PM

NASA sent a woman and 2 chimps into space. Radio messages were as follows:
NASA to Chimp 1: Optimise life support systems and recalibrate radiation monitoring equipment.
NASA to Chimp 2: Check trajecktor and compensate if required using formula (m2-3n)(5-m)
NASA to Woman: Hoover capsule, feed chimp, touch nothing.

Bigfoot3814

May 02, 2009, 10:14 PM

rhawn

May 03, 2009, 09:51 PM

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die, in the rain, alone.

This one made me chuckle. The others....

rhawn

May 04, 2009, 07:52 PM

Anger Management:

When I have the occasional bad day and need to take it out on someone, I don't take it out on my loved ones anymore...

I got the idea one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.

I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an A-hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'A-hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or

had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an A-hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'A-hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're

interested in the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an A-hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first A-hole, (I had his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW A-hole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an A-hole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two A-holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called A-hole #1.

"Hello." "You're an A-hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"A-hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, A-hole."

Then I called A-hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, A-hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, A-hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 2 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two A-holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better.

This anger management really works!

Gooblah

May 04, 2009, 08:53 PM

The above one wasn't very funny IMO, but whatever. :)

Anywho...

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?

You would too if you name was "ouaouaaahhhh!"

Zack

May 04, 2009, 09:01 PM

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?

You would too if you name was "ouaouaaahhhh!"

Heard that one a million times.

Get it?

But I seriously have heard that one a lot. ;)

Matthew5117

May 04, 2009, 09:17 PM

Kennigit

May 05, 2009, 06:59 PM

What's the speed limit of sex?

68, because at 69 you have to turn around

Zack

May 05, 2009, 07:12 PM

What's the speed limit of sex?

68, because at 69 you have to turn around

:lol: That's a good one.

Cheezy the Wiz

May 05, 2009, 11:12 PM

So this farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife asks him why he has a sheep under his arm. The farmer says "this is the pig I have to screw when you're not around." His wife says "if you were paying attention, you'd have realized that is a sheep." The farmer responds "if you were paying attention, you'd have realized I was talking to the sheep."

Onionsoilder

May 06, 2009, 04:04 PM

Back during the civil rights movement, it was said we would have a black president when pigs fly...

Sure enough, within 100 days of Obama's inauguration, swine flu.

Zack

May 06, 2009, 04:06 PM

I've heard that one a gazillion times.

kristopherb

May 06, 2009, 05:21 PM

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because I booted her in the face.

Kennigit

May 07, 2009, 07:06 AM

Spoiler for offensiveness.

infraction for trolling

BurnEmDown

May 07, 2009, 04:20 PM

The following joke is in spoiler and is not meant for people under 18 years age (Even tho I am only 17 ;))

Infraction for sexual content. Just in case anyone is laboring under the delusion that the spoiler tags let you post something objectionable, wrong.

SS-18 ICBM

May 09, 2009, 05:54 PM

Can't say if this is true or not.

(I’m working the night shift when suddenly a guy dressed in black with a mask over his head comes in. He pulls out a gun and comes heading my way. Without even thinking, I incapacitate him with a basic self-defense skill.)

Customer: “HOLY S***! What the h*** are you doing?”

Me: “Sir, you were about to hold me up!”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You came into the store with a mask over your head and gun in hand.”

(At this point, I notice that the gun is a controller for a game. I let him go.)

Me: “I’m very sorry about what just happened, sir. So you wanted that fixed, right?”

Customer: “It’s… no big deal, can you fix it anyway?”

Me: “Not a problem, sir.”

(After checking the wiring and whatnot inside the gun, I find some faulty chipwork and fix it.)

Me: “Here you go, sir.”

Customer: “Thanks.” *pays up*

Me: “Just one thing, though.”

Customer: “Ah, yeah?”

Me: “What’s with the mask?”

Customer: “Sometimes, I like to pretend!” *giggles and walks out*

(I never worked the night shift again.)

Bigfoot3814

May 27, 2009, 07:02 PM

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A pilot, you racist.

SS-18 ICBM

May 28, 2009, 02:33 PM

What is the best thing for a hangover?

Drink heavily the night before

classical_hero

May 31, 2009, 07:48 AM

Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand.

"What is your name?" he asked.

"Quack." the duck answered.

"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.

"I was blowing bubbles." he answered.

The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Quack," the duck answered.

"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.

"I was blowing bubbles." the duck replied.

Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.

"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.

"No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."

kristopherb

May 31, 2009, 09:22 AM

Blind Man walks into a bar and shouts Awww that hurts.

SS-18 ICBM

Jun 02, 2009, 04:40 PM

Why did the black guy always talk during the movie?

He was an actor.

Gooblah

Jun 04, 2009, 07:11 PM

I was about to post a racist joke, but I realized that it would probably violate forum rules. As such, I'll just say that the jokes here are really good. :goodjob:

Bobbtjoe

Jun 04, 2009, 07:17 PM

Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

The Big Flood
It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

Huayna Capac357

Jun 04, 2009, 07:23 PM

SS-18 ICBM

Jun 04, 2009, 07:32 PM

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
Yeah, right.

But the anniversary gift story was awesome. :D

Bobbtjoe

Jun 04, 2009, 07:37 PM

You're a woman?

I got that off a website.

CCRunner

Jun 04, 2009, 07:38 PM

You're a woman?I think it's more likely he copy/pasted from somewhere. I wouldn't bother changing all of the we's either

Bobbtjoe

Jun 04, 2009, 07:39 PM

I think it's more likely he copy/pasted from somewhere. I wouldn't bother changing all of the we's either

You mot likelty started typing that before I finneshed mine.

Bobbtjoe

Jun 04, 2009, 07:52 PM

The Taxi Driver
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'

Blonde Shoots Herself
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"And then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Bobbtjoe

Jun 04, 2009, 07:57 PM

The geography of a woman
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there

Bobbtjoe

Jun 04, 2009, 08:19 PM

The ABCs of ex girlfriends
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a hoot. about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little gal She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that gal is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

Three obvious triggers of the autocensor

SS-18 ICBM

Jun 04, 2009, 08:50 PM

Can't you keep all that in one post?

Bobbtjoe

Jun 04, 2009, 09:14 PM

Can't you keep all that in one post?

:( I don't really want to go to all that trouble now.

SS-18 ICBM

Jun 04, 2009, 09:20 PM

The "edit post" button is too much trouble?

Zack

Jun 04, 2009, 09:24 PM

He's 7, everything is hard for him. Except for his penis.

You have been warned after your prior flamewar with Bobbtjoe. I will have no tolerance on feuds or vendetta at CFC, You SHALL cease. You are further advised that publicly posting comment about other's rules violation, perceived or real, is prohibited flaming. You shall limit yourself to using the report post function. You are further advised that "posting several times consecutively as an appendage to ONE post" in the rules does NOT equal 2 posts in a row.

Bobbtjoe

Jun 04, 2009, 09:28 PM

The "edit post" button is too much trouble?

But then I have to go to all that trouble just so two random people on the internet feel better.

He's 7, everything is hard for him.Spam. Please delete.

Firestorm94

Jun 04, 2009, 10:36 PM

Actually, Bob, it's against the rules to double post.

Thibodeaux: Boudreaux, did you get the parrot I sent you for your birthday?

Boudreaux: Yes, it was good!

Thibodeaux: You ate the bird!

Boudreaux: Of Course I ate it.

Thibodeaux: That bird spoke five different languages!

Boudreaux: Then he should have said something.

Ziggy Stardust

Jun 05, 2009, 02:38 AM

From the Daily Show.

What do the Olympics and Stock Markets have in common?
Synchronised diving

Love

Jun 05, 2009, 10:36 AM

Can't you keep all that in one post?
It loads faster that way.

SS-18 ICBM

Jun 05, 2009, 12:28 PM

These are just text. Not images. If your computer is having problems loading text, then your computer is really old.

Bobbtjoe

Jun 07, 2009, 05:06 PM

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

01 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Bobbtjoe

Jun 07, 2009, 05:18 PM

The Less You Know, The More You Make
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.

Zack

Jun 07, 2009, 05:20 PM

Why'd you post that twice? Now my eyes are bleeding profusely. Thanks a lot.

Bobbtjoe

Jun 07, 2009, 05:22 PM

Why'd you post that twice? Now my eyes are bleeding profusely. Thanks a lot.

sorry, it posted twice for some reason. I'll edit it.

cardgame

Jun 07, 2009, 05:23 PM

Why'd you post that twice? Now my eyes are bleeding profusely. Thanks a lot.

:agree: http://img10.imageshack.us/img10/1451/iconugh.gif

sorry, it posted twice for some reason.
They were 12 MINUTES APART!

Firestorm94

Jun 07, 2009, 05:23 PM

Why'd you post that twice? Now my eyes are bleeding profusely. Thanks a lot.

I have an intense feeling of deja vu.

Bobbtjoe

Jun 07, 2009, 05:23 PM

:agree: http://img10.imageshack.us/img10/1451/iconugh.gif

I fixed it though before you posted that?

Zack

Jun 07, 2009, 05:25 PM

I have an intense feeling of deja vu.

When did I ever post that before?

Bobbtjoe

Jun 07, 2009, 05:27 PM

They were 12 MINUTES APART!Heh, heh. (he's on to me!!! :hide:)

Bobbtjoe

Jun 07, 2009, 09:02 PM

do quotes count as jokes?

Writers Quotes
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy

I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.
William Faulkner

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
Steve Martin

I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Mel Brooks

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
William Faulkner

The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley

SS-18 ICBM

Jun 07, 2009, 09:05 PM

Stop double-posting. And stop posting the same things in multiple threads.

I will have no tolerance on feuds or vendetta at CFC, You SHALL cease. You are further advised that publicly posting comment about other rules violation, perceived or real, is prohibited flaming. You shall limit yourself to using the report post function. You are further advised that "posting several times consecutively as an appendage to ONE post" in the rules does NOT equal 2 posts in a row.

Zack

Jun 07, 2009, 09:06 PM

Yeah, it gets REALLY annoying.

Bobbtjoe

Jun 07, 2009, 09:07 PM

Stop double-posting. And stop posting the same things in multiple threads.

What's double-posting? And the rules say that I can post in multiple threads.

SS-18 ICBM

Jun 07, 2009, 09:08 PM

You can post in multiple threads, just not the same-things. Double posting is posting before another poster has posted. Both can be considered spam.

Zack

Jun 07, 2009, 09:09 PM

What's double-posting?

Its kinda self explanatory.

Bobbtjoe

Jun 07, 2009, 09:11 PM

Double posting is posting before another poster has postedthat made no sense. Could you explain clearer?

Zack

Jun 07, 2009, 09:12 PM

that made no sense. Could you explain clearer?

Double post: When you post twice in a row.

Kinda self explanatory, like I said before.

Bobbtjoe

Jun 07, 2009, 09:14 PM

Double post: When you post twice in a row.

Kinda self explanatory, like I said before.

thank you, z4chdabeast.

51 Ways to Annoy Everybody
1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.

2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.

3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.

4) Act like a hillbilly. Period.

5) Improvise Italian operas.

6) Gossip about someone to their face.

7) Answer every question with a question.

8) Repeat yourself constantly.

9) Act like a member of the opposite sex.

10) Repeat yourself constantly.

11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.

12) Repeat yourself constantly.

13) Change what you repeat every now and then.

14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.

15) Change what you repeat every now and then.

16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.

17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.

18) Change what you repeat every now and then.

19) One word: Caffeine.

20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.

21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomake outwhatyou'resaying.

22) Using non-existent words like George Bush would.

23) Change what you repeat again.

24) Speak in rapid Spanish.

25) Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space.

26) When doing number 25, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally.

27) Change what you repeat again.

28) You are better than everybody else. Let them know so.

29) Rudely correct everybody's grammar.

30) Don't proper grammar use while you are correcting them.

31) Pretend to be drunk.

32) Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator.

33) Change what you repeat again.

34) Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and don't answer to anything else.

35) Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys.

36) Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth.

37) Change what you repeat again.

38) For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak.

39) Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable.

40) Pretend to be high.

41) Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

42) Change what you repeat again.

43) You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that.

44) Speak in Gaelic.

45) Blink rapidly and constantly.

46) Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where.

47) Strut.

48) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.

49) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.

50) Become "The Masked Wedgie Giver."

51) Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it "Check list for Today." Don't let anybody forget that you have it on.

classical_hero

Jun 10, 2009, 10:29 AM

The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!!

Zack

Jun 10, 2009, 10:33 AM

I'd like to meet Johnny's sister.

Buster's Uncle

Jun 10, 2009, 10:49 AM

thank you, z4chdabeast.

51 Ways to Annoy Everybody
1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.

2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.

3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.

4) Act like a hillbilly. Period.

5) Improvise Italian operas.

6) Gossip about someone to their face.

7) Answer every question with a question.

8) Repeat yourself constantly.

9) Act like a member of the opposite sex.

10) Repeat yourself constantly.

11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.

12) Repeat yourself constantly.

13) Change what you repeat every now and then.

14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.

15) Change what you repeat every now and then.

16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.

17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.

18) Change what you repeat every now and then.

19) One word: Caffeine.

20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.

21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomake outwhatyou'resaying.

22) Using non-existent words like George Bush would.

23) Change what you repeat again.

24) Speak in rapid Spanish.

25) Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space.

26) When doing number 25, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally.

27) Change what you repeat again.

28) You are better than everybody else. Let them know so.

29) Rudely correct everybody's grammar.

30) Don't proper grammar use while you are correcting them.

31) Pretend to be drunk.

32) Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator.

33) Change what you repeat again.

34) Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and don't answer to anything else.

35) Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys.

36) Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth.

37) Change what you repeat again.

38) For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak.

39) Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable.

40) Pretend to be high.

41) Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

42) Change what you repeat again.

43) You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that.

44) Speak in Gaelic.

45) Blink rapidly and constantly.

46) Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where.

47) Strut.

48) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.

49) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.

50) Become "The Masked Wedgie Giver."

51) Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it "Check list for Today." Don't let anybody forget that you have it on.
...You left out "Insult people who live in the mountains". “Hillbilly” is an ethic slur of a sort, you know…

Hippies, however, are fair game. :D

SS-18 ICBM

Jun 10, 2009, 04:17 PM

"My grandparents were married for 68 years. When my grandmother passed away, my grandfather died the very next day. The doctor said he died of a broken heart. And sternum. When the truck hit him, his neck snapped backwards and it pretty much crushed his spine. His head was unrecognizably maimed. It was actually quite horrible."

cardgame

Jun 10, 2009, 04:34 PM

Love

Jun 11, 2009, 01:18 AM

I laughed ;)

tycoonist

Jun 11, 2009, 04:49 PM

not funny :(

oh yes it is.... :lol:

Dumanios

Jun 12, 2009, 01:50 PM

Bobbtjoe and Z4ckthebeast are in the same room for 5 Minutes,what happens?

Being in the same will causeThe apocalypse!

SS-18 ICBM

Jun 12, 2009, 08:45 PM

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping when at the same time, the wastebaskets next to their beds catch fire.
The engineer wakes and does some quick calculations as to how much water it would take to put out the fire, and pours that plus a lot more water on it.
The physicist wakes, calculates how much water it will take, and pours precisely that amount on the fire.
The mathematician wakes, writes the equations down, and says, "the answer exists" and goes back to sleep.

A police officer testifying in court...
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily
duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with
these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

"I was having a conversation the other day that got really awkward because I kept blurting out curse words at random times throughout the discussion. I tried to explain that it was due to a disease that I have. It's called alcoholism."

SS-18 ICBM

Jul 02, 2009, 04:22 PM

:bump:

I don't know, but I found this buzzword-laden piece (http://www.bio-itworld.com/2009/06/29/save-pharma-comment.html) to be funny. Here's an excerpt:

Tomorrow's drug companies will build rationally engineered multi-component molecular machines, not small molecule drugs isolated from tree bark or bread mold. These molecular machines will be assembled from discrete interchangeable modules designed using hierarchical simulation tools that resemble the tool chains used to build complex integrated circuits from simple nanoscale components. Guess-and-check wet chemistry can't scale. Hit or miss discovery lacks cross-product synergy. Digital Chemistry will change that.

SS-18 ICBM

Jul 16, 2009, 02:14 PM

:bump: again.

Why shouldn't you click on a banner to take an IQ test?

Because you won't like the score you're given.

Some medical joke.

An oncologist goes to check on his patient, a 90 year-old man with Alzheimer's disease and metastatic pancreatic cancer. The doc is about to start him on a new round of chemo, but when he goes to the patient's room, he's not there.

He demands of the nurse, "Where's my patient?"

"He took a turn for the worse and was transferred to the ICU. He looks like he's reached the end."

"My patients don't just die!" he says as he picks up the bag of chemo and marches to the ICU. When he gets there, he asks the charge nurse where he can find his patient.

"I'm sorry, Doctor, but he's gone. He was just at the end of his road."

"But where is he?"

Thinking the doctor wanted to pay his last respects, the nurse told him, "Connell Brothers Funeral Home."

The doctor picked up the bag of chemo, got in his car and drove to the funeral home. When he arrived, he marched up to the funeral director and said, "Where's my patient?"

"He's in the viewing room, sir."

The oncologist marched into the viewing room with the bag of chemo, ready to hook up his patient...but the casket was empty.

"Where's my patient?" he asked of the man in the suit.

"I'm sorry, sir, he's in dialysis."

electric926

Jul 17, 2009, 08:00 AM

A medical practitioner testifying in court...

Lawyer: So you classified the patient as "deceased"?

Doctor: Yes

L: Did you check for a pulse?

D: No

L: Did you check to see if he was breathing?

D: No

L: Did you try to find a heartbeat or check for any other vital signs?

D: No

L: So, you didn't check for a pulse, you didn't check for breathing, and you didn't check for a heartbeat or any other vital signs, is that right?

D: Yes

L: Why did you assume the patient was dead?

D: His brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.

L: But the patient could be alive, nevertheless?

D: Yes, I suppose he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

salty mud

Aug 02, 2009, 04:31 AM

How do you get all three Jonas Brothers on a bar stool?

Turn it upside down.

amrita

Aug 03, 2009, 09:28 PM

Little Johnny looked so sad his teacher had to inquire what was
wrong. “What’s the problem?” she asked. “I hope it’s not about
your homework again.”
“Well, uh, yes it is,” Little Johnny says. “I accidentally made my
homework paper into a paper airplane.”
“That wasn’t the smartest thing to do,” said the teacher, “But,
just this once, I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.”
“Sorry, but that won’t work,” Little Johnny replied, looking even
sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked!

amrita

Aug 03, 2009, 09:33 PM

Teacher: Is Lapland heavily populated?
Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!
Teacher: Name an animal that lives in Lapland!
Pupil: A reindeer
Teacher: Good, now name another.
Class: Another reindeer!

Omni314

Aug 04, 2009, 03:58 PM

there are school children dressed as hookers
and hookers dressed as school children
you just don't know weather to carry sweets or money

PhroX

Aug 05, 2009, 02:29 AM

How do you get all three Jonas Brothers on a bar stool?

Turn it upside down.

Personally, I prefer the answer "cremate them and pour the ashes on", but, hey... :p

amrita

Aug 05, 2009, 06:40 PM

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

link spam deleted, infraction entered in another post.

amrita

Aug 05, 2009, 06:43 PM

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the ambulance?"
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
God replied:

"I didn't recognize you!"

infraction for link spamming, after warning, link deleted

PlutonianEmpire

Aug 21, 2009, 09:48 PM

Q: What is Idaho famous for, and where did its name come from?
A: Idaho is famous for where it got its name from. A ho named Ida, thus, Ida Ho. Idaho.

CCRunner

Aug 23, 2009, 09:46 PM

A self important college freshman walking along the beach took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen resting on the steps why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. “You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one” the student said loudly enough for others to hear “The children of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, men walking on the moon. We have nuclear energy, cell phones, computers with light speed ….and many more. “

After a brief silence the senior citizen responded as follows—“You’re right son, we didn’t have those things when we were young……. So we invented them. Now, you arrogant little *person* what are you going to do for the next generation?

SS-18 ICBM

Aug 23, 2009, 09:53 PM

Invent nuclear fusion, nanotechnology, reliable renewable energy sources, etc., of course.

Veritass

Aug 24, 2009, 10:40 AM

Q: What is Idaho famous for, and where did its name come from?
A: Idaho is famous for where it got its name from. A ho named Ida, thus, Ida Ho. Idaho.

Better version: They had to cancel the Miss Ebonics America pageant because no one wanted to be Miss Idaho.

classical_hero

Aug 25, 2009, 08:05 AM

A man and his dog are in a talent agents office. He is there to show off his amazing dog. To show what is so amazing about this dog he starts to ask the dog "What grows on the outside of tress?" The dog replies, "Bark." The owner says "Very good", But the agent is not impressed, so the owner says to the agent, if you not impressed by that, then what this. "What is on top of a house?" The Dog replies, "Roof". The agent has seen enough and throws both of them out. While outside the dog says, "What did I do wrong?"

electric926

Aug 26, 2009, 11:50 AM

Better response: "I TOLD you I should have said Hank Aaron."

Mirc

Aug 29, 2009, 09:20 AM

Probably old as hell, move along if that's true. ;)

Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because...

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

SS-18 ICBM

Aug 29, 2009, 11:15 PM

Eh, those are always funny. This one's better than the one's I've heard, since the statement/question is longer and more world regions are encompassed.

electric926

Sep 05, 2009, 06:18 PM

Got these off a website that hasn't been updated since 2000. It still has Clinton jokes on it. :p

Below are fine examples of what happens when marketing translations fail to reach a foreign country in an understandable way.

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

classical_hero

Sep 12, 2009, 08:14 AM

In a recent survey of Australian men, they were asked what types of legs they liked. The results came back as thus: 10% of Australian men liked women with muscular legs, 30% of men liked women with slender legs and the rest of the survey participants liked something in between.

electric926

Sep 13, 2009, 04:53 PM

Took me a while, but I got it. ;)

Onionsoilder

Sep 13, 2009, 07:44 PM

Took me a while, but I got it. ;)
I didn't get it until I read your post...

cardgame

Sep 18, 2009, 11:45 PM

I got it immediately :groucho:

Kanzera

Sep 19, 2009, 12:00 AM

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

Another funny thing about Colgate: When they tried to sell the toothpaste in Spanish countries, the word Colgate was translated into: "Go hang yourself." :mischief:

electric926

Sep 20, 2009, 07:15 AM

That sounds like an Urban Legend to me.

mechaerik

Sep 20, 2009, 10:48 PM

Not entirely true. Cuelga te means hang yourself. So a little phonetics.

Every spanish-speaking person I've ever met (and I've met quite a few. almost everyone I know in fact) pronounces it in spanish as Kol Gah Te, phonetically.

Kanzera

Sep 20, 2009, 11:59 PM

Oh. Frackin 9000 facts app lied to me... :(

dwaxe

Sep 21, 2009, 12:42 AM

An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?"

"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.

The mouse replies, "You ain't s#**#in' me, are you?"

Erik Mesoy

Oct 28, 2009, 09:45 AM

This one I saw on the intertubes:

A devout little old lady went out on to her porch every morning and shouted "Praise the Lord!" Of course, she lived next to Christopher Hitchens, who stumbled out each day, hungover, and loudly bellowed "There is no God, woman! Keep quiet!" Or varying words to that effect.

This continued for weeks, and months, each day the lady exhorting her praise, each day Hitchens responding.

Well, the woman's investments went belly-up and she ran into hard times. She went onto her front porch and prayed: "Lord, I have been ever-faithful to you. Please provide me with food so that I may continue in my service to you and others."

Hitchens overheard this and planned to fool the old lady. He had several bags of groceries delivered to her porch in the middle of the night, and waited for her to arrive in the morning.

As expected, the lady went out on her porch the next morning. "Praise the Lord! You have answered my prayers!"

Hitchens leaped out from behind a bush. "Aha, you old fool...there is no God, for it is I who bought those groceries. Now, will you stop your incessant praise to an invisible, fictional, delusional, insane invention!"

The lady looks at Hitchens, looks at the sky and says, "praise the Lord. Not only did you provide food, but you made Satan buy the groceries!"

Dumanios

Oct 30, 2009, 05:48 AM

I loled.

Quackers

Oct 30, 2009, 08:10 PM

racial trolling joke, deleted.

nonconformist

Oct 30, 2009, 08:21 PM

Use the report button rather than flaming

Huayna Capac357

Oct 30, 2009, 08:26 PM

Quoting trolling joke so that I have to do more clean up

...-_-

Quackers

Oct 30, 2009, 08:28 PM

C'mon! Maybe a little bad in taste but Its not "racist" or anything :D Wrong

Kanzera

Oct 30, 2009, 09:08 PM

I don't get your joke.

cardgame

Oct 30, 2009, 11:12 PM

Hoo boy, four links to forum rules.

@Dwaxe - I :lol:'d

uat2d

Oct 31, 2009, 04:03 AM

Used the report button rather than flaming

Was he supposed to flame?? :rolleyes:

Zack

Oct 31, 2009, 11:18 AM

Was he supposed to flame?? :rolleyes:
:lol: I thought the same thing.

Dumanios

Oct 31, 2009, 11:28 AM

A man walks into a bar and says Ow.

Kanzera

Nov 01, 2009, 10:57 AM

Whoa, good thing I didn't quote his joke. :mischief:

Also, lol at the "Moderator Action: Wrong." :lol:

holy king

Nov 01, 2009, 10:59 AM

baby seal walks into a club.

uat2d

Nov 01, 2009, 01:08 PM

I believe those jokes are meant to be on the Lame Joke Thread :(

cardgame

Nov 01, 2009, 04:25 PM

I believe those jokes are meant to be on the Lame Joke Thread :(

I :lol:ed

Zack

Nov 01, 2009, 07:26 PM

Did you hear about the man who lost his left side?

He's all right now.

Kanzera

Nov 01, 2009, 09:18 PM

^ lol...:lol: That was terrible... ;) And so are these:

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick!

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Right where you left it!

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

Because they're ugly and smelly.

Ziggy Stardust

Nov 02, 2009, 09:20 AM

Why did the lion get lost in the jungle?

The jungle is a very big place

Chicken walks into a library goes up to the librarian and goes: "book" (in a chickenlike manner). Librarian gives him a book and the chicken is on her way. Next day, the chicken returns the book and goes, "bookbookbook". Librarian raises an eyebrow, but still hands the chicken her 3 books. Next day the chicken returns the 3 books and goes, "bookbookbookbookbook". Librarian thinks, "5 books? What the ... I got to get to the botttom of this". He gives the 5 books, tells someone to mind the counter and follows the chicken to her house. At the house he goes to the window and peers in. He sees a bed, in it a frog with a thermometer from his mouth and tissues everywhere. Clearly a sick frog. The chicken walks in exclaiming: "book"! And places the books on the bed. The frog carefully picks up each of the books, "reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit"

Zack

Nov 02, 2009, 08:04 PM

A little creepy and gruesome, but still somewhat funny:

One Joke deleted

What's the difference between a table and a a baby?A table doesn't scream when you cut off its legs.

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?Depends how hard you throw them.

What's worse than 7 dead babies pinned to 1 tree?1 dead baby pinned to 7 trees.

How do you fit 100 dead babies into a bowl?With a blender.How do you get them out of the bowl? Tortilla chips.

EDIT: How could I forget?

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

Huayna Capac357

Nov 02, 2009, 08:39 PM

:eek::eek::vomit:

WTF?!

Kanzera

Nov 02, 2009, 08:49 PM

You deleted?! That's really sexy perverted! :o

Mirc

Nov 03, 2009, 09:33 AM

Dark humor FTW! :D

uat2d

Nov 03, 2009, 05:22 PM

OMG SICK!!

:sad:

Zack

Nov 03, 2009, 05:59 PM

Added one of the best ones. :D

deleted

Kanzera

Nov 03, 2009, 06:20 PM

Added one of the best ones. :D

Now that one you just added was pretty funny. :lol:

classical_hero

Nov 04, 2009, 06:16 AM

Now we need a proper joke.

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3.. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4.. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,
5.. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

Kanzera

Nov 04, 2009, 06:59 PM

^ Ahahaha... :lol:

Ziggy Stardust

Nov 05, 2009, 04:42 AM

Good one :goodjob:

Dumanios

Nov 05, 2009, 03:13 PM

:lol:

Kanzera

Nov 05, 2009, 06:55 PM

Here's one that's stolen borrowed from another website. :mischief:

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:

"PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS!"

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

"PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT"

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

"BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS"

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:

"NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00"

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:

"NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE"

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Dumanios

Nov 07, 2009, 05:27 PM

:rotfl:

Zack

Nov 07, 2009, 07:42 PM

The classic joke that we all heard in 2nd grade:

There are three presidents in an airplane. The first one drops an orange, parachutes down, and finds a little kid crying. The president asks the boy, "Why are you crying little kid?" The boy says, "An orange fell from the sky and hit me in the head!" and runs off. The second president drops an apple. He parachutes down, and he finds a little kid crying. "Why are you crying little kid?" "An apple fell from the sky and hit me in the head!" the boy responded, and he ran off crying. The third president drops an atomic bomb. He parachutes down and finds a little kid laughing. "Why are you laughing little kid?" The kid giggles and responds, "I farted and the town behind me blew up!"

Earthling

Nov 08, 2009, 09:47 PM

Chicken walks into a library goes up to the librarian and goes: "book" (in a chickenlike manner). Librarian gives him a book and the chicken is on her way. Next day, the chicken returns the book and goes, "bookbookbook". Librarian raises an eyebrow, but still hands the chicken her 3 books. Next day the chicken returns the 3 books and goes, "bookbookbookbookbook". Librarian thinks, "5 books? What the ... I got to get to the botttom of this". He gives the 5 books, tells someone to mind the counter and follows the chicken to her house. At the house he goes to the window and peers in. He sees a bed, in it a frog with a thermometer from his mouth and tissues everywhere. Clearly a sick frog. The chicken walks in exclaiming: "book"! And places the books on the bed. The frog carefully picks up each of the books, "reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit"

First, thanks for your contributions to the thread, even if they're PG, but I was going to say - am I the only one who read this and thought it was going somewhere else, before the last couple of sentences revealed just a typical corny kids' joke? Like, some sort of basilisk-breeding scheme, naturally?

PlutonianEmpire

Nov 14, 2009, 03:19 PM

Q: In Minnesota, there is a creek called "Minnehaha" creek. How did it get its name?
A: Someone was in the middle of saying "Minnesota" when he started laughing.

cardgame

Nov 19, 2009, 06:52 PM

Abstinence-only sex education is like just-hold-it potty training.

classical_hero

Nov 20, 2009, 04:59 AM

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked in and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do you like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

Ziggy Stardust

Nov 23, 2009, 03:44 AM

First, thanks for your contributions to the thread, even if they're PG, but I was going to say - am I the only one who read this and thought it was going somewhere else, before the last couple of sentences revealed just a typical corny kids' joke? Like, some sort of basilisk-breeding scheme, naturally?Somewhere else ... like a naughty place? Look if the connections you draw from a frog with a thermometer and tissues around are in naughty territory I advice to seek professional help ;)

That was a QI joke, and they're all corny. :)

Evidence:
6vlVTbBPCtk

Q-gggdWkf1Y

rhawn

Nov 23, 2009, 05:50 AM

How can you get a moron to kill himself?

Give him a knife and ask him "Who's special?"

What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back at him.

Why did the moron climb the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

A moron came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I'm home!" What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"

deo

Nov 23, 2009, 07:44 AM

My lame attempt... :

How do you put an Elephant in a fridge in three steps?

1. Open the fridge 2. Put the Elephant in 3. Close the fridge!

How do you put a Giraffe in a fridge in four steps?

1.Open the fridge 2. Get the Elephant out of it 3. Put the Giraffe in 4.Close the fridge!

Tarzan called all animals for a meeting, all have come but one, which one?

The Giraffe of course!

There's a river full of Crocodiles which you need to cross, there ain't no bridge or any other means to cross it but to go through it by swimming, how do you cross it?

Just swim through, the Crocodiles are in a meeting with Tarzan anyway

classical_hero

Nov 23, 2009, 08:50 AM

Importance of a period

Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

uat2d

Nov 23, 2009, 09:50 AM

I love you all !!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Dumanios

Nov 27, 2009, 01:29 PM

Found this somewhere...

new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

Onionsoilder

Nov 27, 2009, 10:57 PM

It would be better if 1 came at the end.

electric926

Nov 29, 2009, 03:00 PM

A man throws a drum kit off a cliff.
Bah-dum, tssh!

Phil Collins throws a drum set off a cliff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wwJUZCfpuI

classical_hero

Dec 03, 2009, 07:51 AM

Well since he is the topic of the day, here are some Tiger Jokes.

This one is long, so it is in a spoiler.
A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that. "

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" she says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

Why did Bill Clinton call Tiger Woods the day after Thanksgiving? He wanted to arrange a foursome.

Q: What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?

A: Tiger has a better Driver.

I think Tiger Woods could have prevented his troubles with his pretty blonde wife if he'd just had a little OJ that morning!

The thing about driving at 2:30 in the morning, it is hard to see the Woods from the trees.

Why was Erin out at 2:30 in the morning?

She was out clubbing.

Why did Tiger hit a tree and a fire hydrant?

He was having trouble deciding between a wood and an iron.

Why did Phil Mickelson call Elin yesterday?

To pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.

What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal?

They’ve both been clubbed by a Norwegian.

Fr8monkey

Dec 03, 2009, 05:08 PM

sex and bestiality joke, deleted

Cutlass

Dec 03, 2009, 09:24 PM

A first-grade teacher; Ms. Brooks; was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked; 'Harry; what's your problem?'; Harry answered; 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'; Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office; the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.;

Principal: What is 3 x 3?

Harry: 9

Principal: What is 6 x 6?

Harry: 36

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her; 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'; Ms. Brooks says to the principal; 'Let me ask him some questions.'; The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, â€˜What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Harry; after a moment: Legs.

Ms Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?

The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!

Harry replied: Pockets.

Ms. Brooks: What does a dog do that a man steps into?

Harry: Pants

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C; ends with a T; is hairy; oval; delicious and contains thin; whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut.

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer Harry replied; Bubble gum.

Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up; a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

Harry: Shake hands.

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: Firetruck.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher; 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade; I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

Cutlass

Dec 05, 2009, 05:59 PM

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, here I am.

Iron59

Dec 08, 2009, 12:48 AM

What is the difference between men and women?

Men tend to be "cool" and women tend to be "hot"

SS-18 ICBM

Dec 16, 2009, 06:20 PM

Doe Ray Me Drink

by Homer J. Simpson.

*ahem* La la la la... *ahem* LAAAAAA!!

DOE...... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... a long long way to get beer...
SO...... I'll have another beer...
LA...... I'll have another beer...
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...

(looks into an empty glass)

D'OH!

PlutonianEmpire

Dec 18, 2009, 09:09 PM

What is proof that God has a sense of humor?
Alien abductions.

classical_hero

Jan 15, 2010, 08:26 AM

Two Woodpeckers

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks,
"Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

007 taps, taps his watch,
.......
and says "Damn thing must be an hour fast...

Gigaz

Jan 15, 2010, 01:29 PM

That didnt fit in the thread about german authors, so I'll write it down here:

A young boy sits in a chair, reading a big book. His father comes along and asks him what he is reading. "Karl May" he replies. "But it says Karl Marx on the cover of the book" says his father. "Oh, really? I already started to wonder why the story has no Indians!"

Dumanios

Jan 16, 2010, 02:18 PM

There were 3 guys stranded on an island, and they had been captured by cannibals. The Cannibal Leader said that he would let a person live if that person could get a fruit. The 3 went off. The first guy came back with an apple.

"Good, now shove it up your butt." said the Leader. The first guy was doing it but then cried so they killed him. The second guy was coming back with grapes. Then he laughed and was killed.

Up in heaven the first guy asked "Why did you laugh? You could have lived."

The second guy replied "I saw the third guy coming back with a pineapple."

Zack

Jan 16, 2010, 02:22 PM

I've heard a different, much longer version of that joke.

SS-18 ICBM

Jan 16, 2010, 02:30 PM

...what the hell kind of island can grow apples, grapes, AND pineapples? Biology fail.

Love

Jan 16, 2010, 02:40 PM

Maybe the cannibals had an orchard...

Dumanios

Jan 16, 2010, 04:36 PM

...what the hell kind of island can grow apples, grapes, AND pineapples? Biology fail.

Dude, it's a frickin joke, don't be a stop having fun guy.

Thorvald of Lym

Jan 16, 2010, 06:27 PM

Earlier today I was visiting with friends. Our conversation strayed onto anecdotal war stories. One person recounted a story from a Canadian soldier based in Germany in the 80s. It went something like this:

A Canadian squad is out manoeuvring when their field radio breaks, and so one soldier is ordered to return to headquarters and get a replacement. They have no transport, so he has to make the journey on foot. As he is walking along the road, he hears heavy engine sounds and can feel the ground shaking, so he runs and hides by a single tree a little way off in the field.

Along comes an American armoured column of M-60 tanks on an exercise refereed by a Bundeswehr major in an IFV. They stop on the road and the crew leaders debark, gathering around the tree the Canadian is hiding behind. Apparently, they had become lost and are arguing about where exactly they are now.

The Canadian realizes this is an opportunity he can't afford to pass up. His weapon is loaded with blanks, and he leaps out from behind the tree, firing randomly until his clip runs empty. He then sprints between the tanks and down the road. The American unit, so surprised by the entire episode, does not react.

The Bundeswehr major laughs so hard he allegedly falls out of his vehicle. He gestures toward the commanders still standing around the tree, repeating between bouts of laughter, "You kaput! You all dead!" Without damaging any of the vehicles, the Canadian had effectively killed all the commanding officers of the unit.

electric926

Jan 16, 2010, 06:40 PM

Wow. I'm a American, but I'd have to back down on that one.

SS-18 ICBM

Jan 16, 2010, 06:49 PM

Dude, it's a frickin joke, don't be a stop having fun guy.

Your tears, they taste sweet. :evil:

Yeekim

Jan 29, 2010, 08:23 AM

Roman Polanski comes home and sees his girlfriend is packing her bags.
"What's going on, honey?"
"I am leaving you!"
"But why?"
"Because you're a paedophile!"
"Woah... fancy words there for a 10-year old!"

Onionsoilder

Jan 29, 2010, 03:58 PM

Dude, it's a frickin joke, don't be a stop having fun guy.

While I agree with you, coconut/banana/pineapple wound have made more sense.

Formaldehyde

Jan 29, 2010, 08:50 PM

Blonde Joke:

During a recent technology audit, it was found that my co-worker was using
the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to"

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be
at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Formaldehyde

Feb 01, 2010, 08:52 PM

How can you tell if Pam Iorio isn't wearing any panties?

http://d.yimg.com/a/p/ap/20100128/capt.b07861589f354ce698c3bf88b741d692.obama_ny143. jpg?x=400&y=266&q=85&sig=3aEMwGV3ZwJbG._3sTjBpg--

Dandruff on her shoes.

cardgame

Feb 02, 2010, 05:13 PM

Why did the woman cross the road? -- What was she doing out of the kitchen?

Kosez

Feb 02, 2010, 05:25 PM

Man was at the hospital and wife paid him a visit.
˝You won't believe what just happened to me!˝ she said.
˝I called a taxi˝ she continued, ˝and we were on our way here, when I suddenly realized I forgot my wallet.˝
˝I asked the driver to take me back home, but he said no problem, we could make a deal.˝
˝A deal, what deal?˝cries husband.
˝He gave me two options, either I sing a song or perform a fellatio on him...˝
˝What song did you choose?˝
˝I didn't think it would be proper for me to sing while you are so sick...˝

Zack

Feb 03, 2010, 08:04 AM

What does a woman do when she gets back from the abuse clinic?

The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

Did you hear about the tree that fell on a woman?

What was a forest doing in the kitchen?

cardgame

Feb 07, 2010, 01:47 AM

Zack

Feb 07, 2010, 09:03 AM

Nope. :smug:

I'm not racist, cause racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

LastLegionare

Feb 08, 2010, 01:26 AM

Hope this hasn't been said...

Here's the scenario. You are walking in a dark street with your family. All of a sudden, a middle-eastern man in his twenties runs up to you with a knife. You have in your hand a locked-and-loaded handgun.

We've explained this to three people, and these are the answers.

Democrat:Well, we don't KNOW if he's a terrorist! He could be just asking for directions, with a knife for protection. I have a gun, don't I. And why is the street dark? That should be our commuinity's main concern. And why... (ect.)

Republican:BANG!

Red-neck:BANG, BANG, BANG. -click, sound of reloading- BANG!

Yeekim

Feb 12, 2010, 06:57 AM

A football player known for his bruteness and inconsideration to others arrives home with bruised and bloody leg.
- What happened?! asks his wife.
- No idea. I don't even know whose leg that is!

cardgame

Feb 15, 2010, 07:08 PM

I came up with this one-liner myself:

Is Bud still Wiser when he's drunk?

really

Feb 26, 2010, 03:03 PM

Whats worse than having a dog chew your trainer?......having a killer whale chew your trainer.

Mango Elephant

Feb 27, 2010, 07:38 PM

someone might've already put this one and I missed it but

What do you do to annoy Hellen Keller?

a: leave the plunger in the toilet

Cheezy the Wiz

Feb 27, 2010, 10:49 PM

I should think she'd rather like that.

Bucephalus

Mar 05, 2010, 01:24 PM

What do battered wives all have in common?

Disobedience.

Bucephalus

Mar 05, 2010, 01:28 PM

Two unemployed Irishmen are browsing through the job ads;

Says Murphy, "What about this one, 'tree fellers wanted'? ".

"That's no good", Paddy replies, "there's only two of us!"

*********************

Later they pass the Police Station where they see a poster, "West Indian wanted for rape".

Says Paddy, "the friggin' blacks get all the best jobs!"

Bucephalus

Mar 05, 2010, 01:57 PM

How does the U.S. Navy seperate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar.

WhiteEagle22

Mar 07, 2010, 12:43 AM

Q: What did the banana say to the judge after he read the guilty verdict?
A: I'll appeal!
:lol::lol:

Zack

Mar 08, 2010, 05:17 PM

Politics Explained

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

WhiteEagle22

Mar 09, 2010, 07:06 PM

Here's 3 that are certain to bust your gut:

Q: Where can you find a bunch of tea?
A: In the middle of water.

Q: Why did the little boy put ice cubes in his dad's bed?
A: He liked cold pop!

Q: What did one banana say to another?
A: Time to split!

Zack

Mar 09, 2010, 07:45 PM

^I think you need to necro the Lame Jokes thread.

WhiteEagle22

Mar 11, 2010, 01:09 AM

^I think you need to necro the Lame Jokes thread.
They made people laugh, so I decided to post them.

LastLegionare

Mar 13, 2010, 09:18 PM

Are you sure you they weren't dead when you told them?

The abominable snowman, the lochness monster, and a smart blonde are playing slapjack. Who will slap the jack first?

None. There all mythical creatures.

Cheezy the Wiz

Mar 25, 2010, 10:47 PM

Guy at work hears from his friends about a callgirl who's terribly expensive but really worth it. So he decides to check her out. He goes to her address in a luxury highrise condo, and rings the doorbell.

A stunning woman answers, "Yes?"

He tells her, "You were highly recommended so I thought I'd check you out."

She replies, "I'm very expensive, so what did you have in mind?"

"Well," he hesitates, "maybe I should start with something cheaper, like a hand work, maybe?"

"Come with me," she beckons, and leads him to a large window. "See that Lamborghini down there? That's my car. I bought it with the money I made from my hand work."

"Oh, god," thinks the guy, but he's determined to find out how good she is. So he cleans out his entire wallet and discovers that it was the most incredible experience he's ever had. But it takes him struggling through the next two weeks until he gets paid again. Now he decides to check her out further. Again he rings her doorbell, and again she answers. "I've got to try some more," he tells her, "maybe oral this time."

So she beckons him to follow her again to the window. Drawing back the drapes, she points out a shopping center undergoing construction. "See that shopping center?" she asks. "I own that land and I'm building that shopping center just from the money I make from doing oral."

The guy practically gives up, but if it would be anything like the last visit, he couldn't pass it up. This time, it maxes out his credit card. And it was, without a doubt, an incredible delight never before experienced.

Of course, it takes a few months to get his credit back in order, but then he decides that he has to find out if the ultimate experience is all that he'd imagine. So he's back at her condo. "I've got to know," he says, "what it's like to go ALL the way with you."

She beckons him over to the picture window again. Drawing back the drape, she asks, "See that bridge over there?"

"Oh, come on!" he exclaims. "Don't try telling me that you own that bridge!"

She replies, "No, but if I had a vagína, I would."

Huayna Capac357

Mar 25, 2010, 10:50 PM

I don't get it.

CCRunner

Mar 25, 2010, 11:00 PM

It's a transvestite

Zack

Mar 26, 2010, 08:08 AM

She's not a she.

holy king

Mar 26, 2010, 08:48 AM

jy4wdb36k8c

Omni314

Mar 26, 2010, 02:26 PM

you know, shakespeare was always accosted by the dudes putting on his plays about what the costumes should be like
but he was adamant that it didn't matter
the actual words were what was important
dude was so prose before hose

SS-18 ICBM

Mar 26, 2010, 02:36 PM

Mullah Nasreddin (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hodja_Nasreddin), master troll.
Once Nasreddin was invited to deliver a sermon. When he got on the pulpit, he asked, "Do you know what I am going to say?" The audience replied "no", so he announced, "I have no desire to speak to people who don't even know what I will be talking about!" and left.
The people felt embarrassed and called him back again the next day. This time, when he asked the same question, the people replied "yes". So Nasreddin said, "Well, since you already know what I am going to say, I won't waste any more of your time!" and left.
Now the people were really perplexed. They decided to try one more time and once again invited the Mullah to speak the following week. Once again he asked the same question - "Do you know what I am going to say?" Now the people were prepared and so half of them answered "yes" while the other half replied "no". So Nasreddin said "Let the half who know what I am going to say, tell it to the half who don't," and left.

Omni314

Mar 31, 2010, 04:24 PM

Letter Sent By College Student To His Dad

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you
would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is
a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

Zack

Mar 31, 2010, 05:11 PM

How to write a paper in college/university:

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.

2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.

5. Check your email.

6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.

7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.

8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

9. Check your email.

10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

12. Grab some mp3z off of kazaa.

13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!

14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans).

15. Check your email.

16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.

17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory emarks about your prof, the
course, the college, the world at large.

18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.

19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.

20. Check your email.

21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

22. Play some solitare (or age of legends!).

23. Check out bored.com.

24. Wash your hands.

25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.

26. Look through your housemate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

28. Check to see if bored.com has been updated yet.

29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z.

30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.

31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.

32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

34. Punch the wall and break something.

35. Check your email.

36. Mumble obscenities.

37. 5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.

38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.

39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap.

cardgame

Apr 04, 2010, 06:12 PM

Product X! Now with free lifetime warranty!*

*warranty void upon purchase

Fr8monkey

Apr 11, 2010, 11:16 PM

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues.

Onionsoilder

Apr 13, 2010, 08:36 PM

Kullervo

Apr 25, 2010, 08:19 PM

Don't know if this has been posted yet... my eyes began bleeding around page 5 so I skipped the last 6 or so. :p

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are out camping overnight in a tent. In the middle of the night, Watson hears Holmes calling him. He looks up and sees Holmes sitting up, staring upwards. Without looking at Watson, Holmes asks him.
"Tell me... what do you think of the stars?"
"Oh? Well, errm, I think they're quite nice. You don't get stars like this in London..."

Holmes is looking at Watson. Watson becomes uncomfortable.

"Did I miss something?"
"Watson, you idiot, someone stole our tent."

Yess! I managed to insert a PG rated joke into an non-rated thread.

Wong512

Apr 25, 2010, 08:32 PM

I've heard a much more extended version of that joke, it was too long to remember though :P

Kullervo

Apr 30, 2010, 08:33 PM

This could be slightly offensive and/or irreverent.
1960's. A notoriously bad tempered air traffic controller is yelling at a pilot in Dresden who is coming in too low.
"What are you, stupid?! Watch where you are going, you <SNIP>!! Haven't you ever seen Dresden before?!"
"Yep. Through a bombing door. And I wasn't landing then."

What did the British do to win World War 1?
They whipped out their little willies (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_Willie)

A Frenchman, and American, and a Russian are stranded on a desert island with cannibals on it. Before they can beat each other to a pulp, they are captured and taken to the chief's tent. The chief brings out an ancient musket and points at a small bird some four hundred metres away. He tells them to shoot the bird, or they will be eaten. The American attempts to fire enough bullets and hopes to hit the target. Unfortunately, the musket only fires one bullet at a time. The cannibals eat him. The Frenchman takes careful aim, breathes in, breathes out, and shoots. He wasn't even close. The cannibals eat him. The Russian thinks for a second, and then asks for a bottle of vodka. One is procured. He drinks the vodka, and waits for five minutes. Then he points the gun randomly and fires. The bird falls dead.
After the cannibals give him a canoe and enough provisions to last him a few weeks, the chief asks: How did you hit the bird?

The Russian thinks and then shrugs. "Out of forty barrels and at such a huge flock?"

classical_hero

Apr 30, 2010, 10:52 PM

What sound does a cat make when you set it on fire?

Woof.

holy king

May 02, 2010, 11:12 AM

how do you get a dog to meow?

freeze him, then pull him through a disc saw.

Omni314

May 04, 2010, 04:10 PM

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him.... what?
--a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Bobbtjoe

May 07, 2010, 07:48 PM

Knock-knock
Who's there
9/119/11 who? You said you'd never forget.

Knock-knock
Your parents are dead.

Kullervo

May 07, 2010, 08:15 PM

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island. They find a lamp. A genie appears and tells them he'll grant them one wish.

The redhead says: I wish I could be picked up right now by a cruise ship and go back home.

A cruise ship comes by and picks her up. She goes home.

The brunette says; I wish an airplane would fly by and pick me up so I can go home.

A plane lands on the island and takes her home.

The blonde says: Oh how I wish I was with my friends again...

classical_hero

Jun 01, 2010, 08:09 AM

3 nuns are walking together and a flasher comes from the bushes and surprises them. The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, and the third nun does not touch him at all.

Omni314

Jun 03, 2010, 02:11 AM

just found this one off notalwaysright.com

Movie Theater | Durham, NC, USA

(A customer approaches the service counter.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Is this the real life?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Is this just fantasy?”

Me: *catching on* “Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.”

Customer: “D*** it! I was trying to prank you! You shouldn’t know what I’m doing!”

Me: “Doesn’t really matter to me, to meeee.”

Customer: “F*** you!” *storms off*

classical_hero

Jun 03, 2010, 07:30 AM

Very good. :rockon:

Weik

Jun 08, 2010, 06:19 AM

The England players visited the local children's hospital today in South Africa. "It's good to put a smile on the face's of people constantly struggling and facing the impossible", said Jamal Unboato, aged six.

LastLegionare

Jun 08, 2010, 08:20 PM

What's the best way to drown a blonde?

-Put a scratch-and-sniff at the bottom of a pool.

madviking

Jun 10, 2010, 09:47 PM

What happens when you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed!

classical_hero

Jun 11, 2010, 05:40 AM

That belongs in the lame joke thread. :p

Love

Jun 11, 2010, 06:12 AM

Isn't the lame joke thread closed?

Fr8monkey

Jun 11, 2010, 12:33 PM

Thieves broke into the local police station last night and stole all the toilets. The cops have nothing to go on...

Read a story in the paper about a dwarf psychic that is on the run from the police. Headline read; "Small Medium at Large!"

classical_hero

Jun 11, 2010, 06:51 PM

Isn't the lame joke thread closed?

I do realise that. :p

madviking

Jun 13, 2010, 09:10 PM

All of these Robert Green jokes are getting out of hand.

In fact, they're crossing the line.

Kullervo

Jul 03, 2010, 07:28 PM

Now folks, there have been a lot of tasteless jokes about Robert Green's little mishap...

And here's another one!

Mango Elephant

Jul 03, 2010, 08:31 PM

These three have probley already been posted, but whatever.

Sarah Palin, John McCain, Glen Beck, and Ann Coulter are all drag racing along a narrow path on a steep cliff. Who wins?

Society.

How do you get four gay guys to fit on a bar stool?

Turn it upside down.

SS-18 ICBM

Aug 01, 2010, 02:07 PM

Various definitions of the word "Yankee".
To a non-American, a Yankee is an American. To an American, a Yankee is a Northerner. To a Northerner, a Yankee is a Northeasterner. To a Northeasterner, a Yankee is a New Englander. To a New Englander, a Yankee is a Vermonter. To a Vermonter, a Yankee is someone who has pie for breakfast.

madviking

Aug 02, 2010, 07:30 PM

Guys, I'm sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a cook at a local fast food joint. What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates. I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every test I've ever taken. I'm socially awkward, even my only other co-worker hates my guts. I have repressed lust for one of my best friends too; she's athletic, smart and a gorgeous southern bell. I love her. You know what it's like; I've been friend zoned real hard. She's my only real friend, besides this one kid, who I'm pretty sure is only hanging around me because he is mentally challenged. I guess he's the only one that can tolerate me.
And what makes this all worse is that I live in a pineapple under the sea.

Onionsoilder

Aug 03, 2010, 09:49 AM

madviking

Aug 06, 2010, 10:36 PM

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

classical_hero

Aug 06, 2010, 10:49 PM

Clever, but technically not a double positive. :p

BC1871

Aug 08, 2010, 01:48 AM

"TANK, WEDDING, FOR THE USE OF ...."

When the Armour Wing of the School of Artillery and Armour was still in Potchefstroom, it believed that a Stuart tank was borrowed by some cash-strapped instructors to attend a wedding in Cologny some 60 miles away. Since the SA Army had to work Saturday mornings in those days it was easy to get out of the base on a "maintenance run" and the trip to Coligny was without event. The bride and groom were treated to a one gun ("thunderflash" or "blank") salute and the crew proceeded to return to Potchefstroom. The local SA Police sergeant in Coligny, after some ploughing of the Mayor's flowerbeds, has a problem. Unable to catch the Stuart on his single speed Rudge motorcycle he turned to the Military Police in Potchefstroom.

"Murphy's Law" then struck when the Stuart ran out of fuel about 15 miles short of the base. The MP's turned up and the crew placed in close arrest.

Kullervo

Aug 11, 2010, 09:23 AM

Two musicians walk past a bar.

BC1871

Aug 13, 2010, 08:30 PM

MURPHY's LAWS OF COMBAT

You are not a superman.
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
No plan survives the first contact intact.
All five second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds.
Try to look unimportant because the enemy may be low on ammo.
If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.
The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
The important things are always simple.
The simple things are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
If you are short of everything except enemy, you're in combat.
When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Friendly fire - isn't.
If the enemy is in range, "so are you!"
No combat ready unit has passed an inspection.
Beer math is: two beers times 37 men = 49 cases.
Body count math is: two guerillas, plus one portable, plus two pigs = 37 enemy killed in action.
Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
Anything that you do can get you shot - including doing nothing.
Tracers work both ways.
The only thing more accurate that incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you'll have more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they are both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
Murphy was a grunt.

BC1871

Aug 15, 2010, 10:40 PM

Things I Learned the Hard Way on BMQ

-Don’t forget your parade boots for Remembrance Day

-BUTTONS!

-Meet your timings or it could be 50 pushups

-There’s a name for people who try to take assault the trench, after throwing the grenade 30 meters, with 8 rounds left in their 9th and final magazine: Casualty.

-Remember your name tag

- Don’t shoot friendly troops with a C6 on FTX2, it tends to make you unpopular.

-Ask your fire team partner your question before you ask the Sgt.

-Any Equipment you lose will be replaced by staff with a big heavy rock

- Changing C6 machine gun barrels with a round in the chamber is BAD!

-Shave in the morning, not at night.

-You can not get away with wearing dirty pants for inspection, as course senior.

- If a stand-to is called and you are the only one moving on the position, someone is possibly playing a prank on you

-Keep your Full fighting order on all the time if you have a smoking problem, so you’re always ready to go.

-Remember which way you came from when you are navigating.

-Look at the range card so you know where the trip flares are when you go out on patrol.

-”Charlie” (right flank) security during a platoon raid is not an appropriate spot for a nap.

-If you’re about to get jumped and pummeled by ten dudes, get the stripper to bring you home.

- “Just :):):):)ing GO!” is not a legitimate drill command and will result in mass confusion and laughter [at you].

-When navigating, ask where the trip flares are BEFORE you go out on patrol so you don’t freak out and wander away in the wrong direction [in circles].

-Don’t jump up and stand on chairs and pump your fists in the air while singing along loudly to “We are the Champions” at Smugglers[local strip club]; small Asian women will threaten you.

-[in the throwing bay] Throw the Grenade OVER the wall, not INTO the wall.

-Bright white smiles are not tactical.

-Do not tell MCpl T [section second in command] anything about yourself, it will be used it against you.

-Don’t rest your face on the C6 when firing…you’ll end up with a fat lip.

- Do not stare directly at the Thunderflash beside you during a stand-to, it’s not worth watching the explosion.

-The only good bobble-head is Jenna Jameson, all others get pushups.

-Never trust a fart.

-Do not wash your [down filled] sleeping bag in the washing machine. They are very expensive.

-Link your ammo. This applies in the field and the bar.

- (very skinny soldier) Bring extra warm kit to the field…Better to have it and not need it, than to want and not have.

-No one can be trusted. Unfortunately this sometimes includes oneself.

-It’s not over until it’s over.

-Meaford is the place where dreams come to die.

-don’t try to be a hero with injuries, you could end up wearing a space boot [cast]

-Calling someone by their first name in uniform makes you a gluebag.

- Your weapon, it’s never clean enough.

-Don’t be scared of what you don’t know; learn it and be better for it.

-Just because you’re a rucksack with legs doesn’t mean you can’t do it.

-Whining doesn’t get you anything except old grapes.

-ABSOLUTELY, under any circumstances, fall asleep in class during the Commanding Officer’s address on the very first day of course, and get caught by the Base Sergeant Major. Always a bad idea!

-Don’t leave important things like your laptop insecure in your desk

- Speak quietly as not to waken the Meaford weather machine.

-If you have no idea what you’re doing, try not to look too stupid while you’re doing it.

- Polishing the bottoms of your boots for inspection is just as important as polishing the tops.

-Chewing mints during an inspection is a bad idea.

-Farting on a recce patrol (as funny as it was) is not a good idea.

- You will do log PT the morning after your flu shots.

- Don’t smoke with staff 10 minutes before morning inspection

-Warner Hill sucks!

- Store your gloves in a pocket, or just leave them outside the porta-john [as opposed to IN the porta-john]

-If your buttons come off your combat pants, don’t cut them off your combat jacket to replace them.

-Don’t threaten he Sgt that you will name your children after him.

- Meet your inspection timings.

-Wear lots of socks when you are doing sentry sitting in a trench in the middle of November.

- Always keep your eyes on your weapon

-Don’t wipe your ass with hand sanitizer

-Don’t pack un-needed kit

-THINK, before you talk.

-Bring chew to the field.

-Don’t trust the course senior to make smart decisions on his own.

-C-130 paraflares suck on recces, you could be laying in a puddle forever.

- Even though holding the door open for people is important, it is ALWAYS more important to actually pick up a kitbag and carry it in on the first day.

-If it’s noon on the first day of course and the staff all know your name, that’s bad.

- Don’t pick up your flashlight if you drop it in the shitter in the field.

-Don’t use Purell hand sanitizer to wipe your ass in the field.

- Don’t mistake tampons for candy.

- If you have a Rogers cell phone, don’t bother bringing it.

-You really don’t want to play the game “Barrel, barrel, who’s got the barrel?” It sounds funner than it really is.

- Do not criticize the PT, you (and everyone else) will end up with more.

- Don’t wear your steel toed boots on a ruck sack march

- People are stupid. Stupid people do stupid things. [no sleep amplifies this]

- Sometimes if you want something done right you have to do it yourself.

-You can’t do everything yourself.

-Don’t trust anyone.

- Pick a better approach than a dry rose bush on your recce patrol

- Don’t leave your cell phone or game system out when you leave for lunch.

-If you get poked in the eye with a branch, tell someone right away when you start to lose your sight.

- Secure all C9 machine gun ammo to the weapon prior to beginning of recce patrol.

-Trying to expend all loose C9 ammo during an aussie peel back may result in a surprise when you turn around and realize the rest of your section is gone.

-Check whether your flashlight is functioning prior to leaving on a recce patrol [for the objective sketch]

-When operating a paraflare, remember which way to turn the body. Try not to look surprised.