post your entries here!

good luck!

this one is stupid but here it is......

Three tomato's were walking down the street a baby tomato, a papa tomato, and a momma tomato.
The baby tomato starts to lag behind and the papa tomato gets real angry so he goes back and smashes the baby tomato and says Kechup!

------------------
The people in my cool book
1.travin
2.Thunderfall
3.Stellar
4.SunTzu
5.Håkan
6.scorch
7.vladmir_illych_lenin

What Do You Call Two Nuns And A Blonde?
Two Tight Ends And A Wide Reciever

------------------
Travin

Cool Book

-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-

3 men standing in line to get into heaven..Apparently it had been a pretty busy day and Peter tells them, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today so I will only admit people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first guy replies: "Well, for a while I suspected my wife was screwing around on me, so today I came home from work early to catch her red-handed. As I came to my apartment on the 25th floor I could tell something was going on. So I rush in and am searching all over and can't find the guy.

"I go out to the balcony, and sure enough there is a guy hanging off the railing. So I am so mad that I start beating on him, kicking him and the damn guy won't let go. I go into my apartment and get a hammer and start hammering his fingers and finally he falls. But - wouldn't you know it - he lands on a bush, stunned but okay.

"I run into the kitchen, grab the refrigerator and throw it over the edge, killing him instantly! But all the stress gives me a heart attack and I drop dead!"

Said Peter, "That sounds like a bad day to me; come on in!"

The next guy comes up to Peter. "It was a horrible day. I was standing on the 26th floor of my apartment on the balcony exercising and I slip and fall over the edge. Luckily I grab the railing below me and I am hanging on for dear life. Miraculously a guy runs out on the balcony and I think he's going to save me but no, he starts beating me and kicking me and I am hanging on for dear life.

"Then he gets a hammer and is hammering my fingers and I let go. By the grace of God I fall on a bush, stunned but alive. Suddenly the guy throws a refrigerator over the railing and it crushes me instantly and here I am."

Once again Peter says, "WOW! What a day! Okay, come in!"

The third guy comes to the front and says to Peter, "Picture this: I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator...."



------------------
Travin

Cool Book

-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-

A small East Texas Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, here were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Fred, a part time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Fred, like many rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any hairy female.

So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.

Fred was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Fred showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Fred announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her.

"Secondly, I want her to wear protection."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Fred. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

ok this my last one

------------------
Travin

Cool Book

-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
-Stellar Converter-

Okay, this is old but...

There was a great Polish King who decided that he wanted to do something special for his people, the Poles. So he said to his engineers "Build me the biggest, greatest bridge in the world!"

So they went off and several weeks later re-appeared. The king said,"Where did you build the bridge?"
And the engineers were like,"Well, we built it where no one else would think to...over the Sahara Desert!"

So the Polish King was like "What! Get it out of there before we all look like idiots to the whole world."

So the engineers went away, then came back a few months later. The king said "Well, did you get the bridge and bring it back?"
The engineers shook their heads. "Why not?" demanded the King.

"Because the Neufies were fishing off it."




------------------
Answer me these questions three: How long was the 7 years war?

What Louis came after Louis the 3rd?

How many metric gallons in a furlong?

Did I Win Yet?

------------------
Travin

Cool Book

-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
-Stellar Converter-

no not yet!

------------------
The people in my cool book
1.travin
2.Thunderfall
3.Stellar
4.SunTzu
5.Håkan
6.scorch
7.vladmir_illych_lenin

lets give other people a try, you know, to make it look fair, then well hand the trophy over to you.http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/wink.gif

Okay, there is this cruise ship that has a magician working on it, performing magic tricks for the tourists. Since there is a constant turnover of tourists, he can keep doing the same tricks. One day, a parrot arrives and watches his shows. The parrot starts to reveal all his secrets to the audience. Saying "It's under the table" or "It's up his sleeve!" this infuriates the magician because he has to keep coming up with new tricks. Well, one day, the ship hits an iceberg and sinks. All that is left is a large board, and the magician and parrot hanging on to it. They are hanging on to this board, staring at each other, for days. Finally, the parrot speaks up and says, "Okay, I give up, what did you do with the ship?" http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

------------------
"I am the way, the truth and the life, no man cometh to the Father except through me" John 14:6

Originally posted by Cunobelin Of Hippo:
"Because the Neufies were fishing off it."


You know what is a bad idea???

To insult one of the judges!!! http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/supersaiyan.gif

And it's spelled Newfies.


------------------
"I'm too out of shape for a long fight so I'll have to kill you fast"
"If LESS is MORE just imagine how much MORE, MORE would be!!!"
I AM CANADIAN!
Civ 2 Ladder (http://www.civladder.com)
My Civ 2 Scenario Page. (http://www.geocities.com/thecornmaster/scenario/scenario.htm)

Its a Newfoundland person
Here's my joke, and it has to do with civ!:

There is this international army, and people from every civ join, thus forming an international army. One day, at the new recruit evaluation center, an old, gruzzled colonel is serveying the new, green soldiers. He goes up to the British guy and says:

"Let me ask you one question young man, did you or did you not join the army to die for your country?"
The young British man bravely says:
"Yes sah! For King and countrrry sah!"
The General says "Very well."

Then the General goes up to the Russian guy and asks the same question:
"Did you join this army to die for your country?"
The young Russian man bravely says:
"I have come to fulfill my patriotic duties on behalf of my glorious motherland!"
The General says "Very well."

Then the General goes up to the Australian guy and asks again the same question:
"Did you join this army to die for your country?"
The Australian guy replies:
"No maite, ah joined this ahmy yestadie!"

[This message has been edited by vladmir_illych_lenin (edited January 03, 2001).]

The good, the bad, and the ugly:
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can`t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You`re in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He`s a cross dresser
Ugly:He looks better than you

Good: Your son`s finally maturing
Bad: He`s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife`s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She`s a lawyer

Good: The postman`s early
Bad: He`s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

[This message has been edited by vladmir_illych_lenin (edited January 03, 2001).]

An archaeologist was digging in the a desert in Israel
and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining
it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've
just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a
man who died of heart failure!"
The excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied,
"Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.
"You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death.
How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said,
'10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester
suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the
bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the
rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total
silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops
fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the
little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

A businesswoman explained her problem to the doctor. She was always farting at board meetings, during interviews, on the trams and buses. It was impossible to control. "But at least I am fortunate in two respects," she told the doctor, "they neither smell nor make a noise. In fact, since I have been in your office talking to you, it has happened twice Doctor." The Doctor reached for his notebook, scribbled a prescription and handed it to her.
"What? Nasal drops?" she queried. "Yes" said the Doc. "We'll fix your nose then have to fix your hearing."

Booyah! aren't i funnY?

Originally posted by stellar converter:
whats a newfie? this is my favorite smily<IMG SRC="http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/supersaiyan.gif" border=0>

Newfie is/means, in some people's mind, a derogratory term to describe the people who live in Newfoundland, Canada. While a lot of Newfoundlanders use this term to describe themselves, most take offence when it is used by a "Mainlander" to describe them. Since it's usually accompanied by the term "Stupid", "Idiot", or "Moron". Also the term "Newfie" appears to be the butt of a lot of jokes, this also offends us because we (most of us) aren't that stupid.

In conclusion, I'd like to says that this term should be banned and all hippo's should be killed. (Joking about the hippo's, of course. http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/wink.gif )



------------------
"I'm too out of shape for a long fight so I'll have to kill you fast"
"If LESS is MORE just imagine how much MORE, MORE would be!!!"
I AM CANADIAN!
Civ 2 Ladder (http://www.civladder.com)
My Civ 2 Scenario Page. (http://www.geocities.com/thecornmaster/scenario/scenario.htm)

one might say that i learn something new everyday... i like comrade lenin's jokes the best so far.

I have one civ related joke, in Latin:

Scitisne quantas numerus barbarorum satis est ipsi facem acceddere possint?
Decies centena milia----uno facem tenente, debent ceteri convenire atque conari ignem invenire.

translation in ten minutes

------------------
Gauis Mucius Scaevola Sinistra
Pontificator Pedanticus
Older, richer, and wiser than you.

Do you know how many barbarians it takes to light a torch?
1 million--one to hold the torch, and rest to get together and try to discover fire!

------------------
Gauis Mucius Scaevola Sinistra
Pontificator Pedanticus
Older, richer, and wiser than you.

A blonde walked into an appliance shop. She saw something she liked and said to the clerk,
"I'd like to buy that TV."
The clerk answered,
"we don't sell to blondes."
The blonde came back the next day with her hair dyed brown. Again she said,
"I'd like to buy that TV."
The clerk again answered,
"We don't sell to blondes."
The blond came in the next day with her hair dyed black. The same thing happened.
She asked the clerk.
"How did you know I was a blonde with my hair dyed differen colors?"
The clerk answered,
"That's not a TV, it's a microwave."

this one too dirty. sorryhttp://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/smile.gifhttp://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/wink.gif.


[This message has been edited by stellar converter (edited January 04, 2001).]

A teacher asks her student, Little Johnny, to answer the following problem:
"Four pigeons are sitting on a fence. If you shoot one of them with a gun, how many are left?"
Little Johnny thinks about it and answers, "Well, none."
The teacher replies, "What do you mean?"

To which Little Johnny answers, "Well once I fire the gun, all of the pigeons will get scared and fly away."

The teacher responds, "That's not the correct answer. The correct answer is that three are left, but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny turns around and says, "Well, I now have a question for you. Three women are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is biting the cone, one is licking the cone, and the third is sucking the cone. Which one is married?"

The teacher is a little embarrassed by this question, but nonetheless responds, "Well, I guess it would be the one sucking the cone."

To which Little Johnny answers, "Actually, it is the one wearing the wedding band, but I like the way you think."



------------------
Travin

Cool Book

-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
-Stellar Converter-

[This message has been edited by Cunobelin Of Hippo (edited January 03, 2001).]

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists had fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each. They observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologise when wrong.

No further testing is planned


------------------
Travin

Cool Book

-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
-Stellar Converter-

Schitt
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Soon you will be able to handle this situation.... Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, maried O.Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, the twins Deep and Dip, Fulla, Giva and Bull Schitt. Against his parents strong objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Schitt married Mr Scherlock and, because her kids were living with them, decided to keep her previous name also. She was known as Noe Schitt Scherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and the produced a cowardly son - Chick Noe Schitt (Chick N. Schitt for short). Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseperable
throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse Schitt. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new Italin bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone says that you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them....

Something to lower your self esteem:

The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Three friends were out hunting in the middle of the jungle and were set upon by a band of Zulu tribesmen. The three guys were captured and taken to the village where the Zulu Chief waited. Shaka, being a fair man, told the men: "I will let the three of you go in peace if you fulfill two conditions." The men agreed and asked what the conditions were. "The first one is: go into the forest and find 10 of the same fruit and bring them back." The men set off into the forest. A few hours later the first guy came back with 10 pears. He asked of the Chief, "what was the second condition?" The Chief replied, "you have to put them all up your butt without making a sound." The poor guy tried really hard and got the first one in, but he had to scream when he got to the second one: "I just can't do it!!" So the Zulus dragged him off. A little while later, the second guy came back with 10 berries. When the Chief repeated to him the second condition, he said, "no problem!". With that, he proceeded. Just as he got to the 10th berry, he burst out laughing! The Chief asked him "Why did you start laughing when you were so close?" The guy answered: "Because I could see my buddy coming down the jungle trail with 10 PINEAPPLES!"http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/lol.gif

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained, through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).

Since your managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, because they are full of S.H.I.T. allready.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training for Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Last one:

A Jehova's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In". He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.
He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In". As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the "Come In". He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. The parrot says "Come In". He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?"
The parrot laughed and said "Get'm boy!"

whats a newfie? this is my favorite smilyhttp://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/supersaiyan.gif

ten more days. after the 10th day, us judges will have 3 days to collaborate and announce who the winner is. the barbarian joke is good, lefty.

Uhhoooooh!


A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says,

"Who is this?"

"This is the maid, " answers the woman.

"We don't have a maid", says the man.

The woman says "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."

The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming and says to the maid,
"Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

The maid says, "What will I have to do?"

The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then 2 gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."

A long pause and the man says, "Is this 567-5309?"

Santa does not exist
No known species of reindeer can fly. But there ARE 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has seen.

There are 2 billion children (under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn`t appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist and Jewish children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total- 378 million or so. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining gifts under the tree, eat the snacks, get back up the chimney, get back in the sleigh, and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million homes are distributed evenly (which we know to be false but for the sake of these calculations we will accept) we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops.

This means that Santa`s sleigh is traveling at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe moves at a poky 27.4 MPS; the average reindeer runs at 15 MPH.

The sleigh's payload adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point one) could pull TEN TIMES the usual amount, we can not do the job with 8 or even 9. We need 214,000 reindeer. This increases the weight, not even counting the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison this is 4 times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2.

A mass of 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the next pair of reindeer, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times the force of gravity. A 300 pound Santa would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

Conclusion: There was a Santa, but he's dead now. Merry Christmas!

------------------
Travin

Cool Book

-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
-Stellar Converter-

Girlfriend Upgrade

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0 ...
*A "Don't remind me again" button
*Minimize button
*Shutdown Feature
*An installshield feature so that GirlFriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).
I tried to run GirlFriend2.0 with GirlFriend1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. All versions of GirlFriend that I've used are totally "object oriented" and only support hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING *****

Wife1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress1.1 before uninstalling Wife1.0, Wife1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

If Dr. Suess were a technical writer...

Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted cuz the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this? What a shame, sir!
We'll find you Another game, sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
Cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to ram your rom.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:

Rebecca and Gary
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a
short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph,
and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each
time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree
a conclusion has been reached."

The story begins ...

---

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the
question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to eostation 17," he
said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign
of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle
beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo
bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and
across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterward, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities toward the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to
distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a
defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other
Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We
can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the
sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total $*&.

Stupid %?$!

Maybe the stupidest joke going around today:

A horse walks into a bar. The barkeeper askes 'Why the long face?'

------------------
I am disrespectful to Dirt! Can you not see that I am serious?

My joke in latin:

Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditiones habes.

------------------
Homo sum humani nil a me alienum puto
(I am man, nothing human is alien to me)

Ex Libris of Gustaf VI Adolf

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian
said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this
turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my
guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must
return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what
should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to
keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his
residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that
someone had stolen his turkey.

------------------
Visit the Civilization Gaming Network (http://www.civgaming.net) & Forums (http://www.civgaming.net/cgi-bin/forums/Ultimate.cgi)

i like comrade lenins last one. oh, haakan, if you want to win, translate your joke, because im pretty sure non of the judges can read latinhttp://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/smile.gif. or are even bilingual, for that matter.http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/smile.gif

How many gay-rights activists does it take to change a light bulb?


None. "The light bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it."


------------------
Travin

Cool Book

-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
-Stellar Converter-

What's the difference between a virgin and a light bulb?

-You can unscrew a light bulb.

------------------
Travin

Cool Book

-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
-Stellar Converter-

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."



------------------
Travin

Cool Book

-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
-Stellar Converter-

this one is for vanillacube

I've followed you, talked to your neighbours, tapped your phone, and even shot at you to see how you would react.
From my observations I have come to one irrefutable conclusion:
You are Paranoid.



------------------
Travin

Cool Book

-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
-Stellar Converter-

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

The man responded, "Ten pounds." The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning." About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."

"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." They ran down the street, over the hills, through the woods, along the railroad track, and down the beach for miles and miles and miles. The fat guy nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her as she circled back toward his house. He had more thoroughly enjoyable sex. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! To the ounce!

"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets ready for the next diet representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens it, he sees this hairy zoo gorilla with a huge erection and a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, i'm going to screw you."



------------------
Travin

Cool Book

-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
-Stellar Converter-

How Sh*t happens:

In the beginning was The Plan.

And then came The Assumptions.

And The Plan was without substance.

And The Assumptions were without form.

And Darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks!"

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a
container of excrement, and it is very strong such that none may
abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plant groth, and it is very strong!"

And the Directors went unto the Vice-Presidents saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful!"

And the Vice-Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and
vigour of the company, with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good,
and The Plan became Policy.

And that is how Sh*t Happens.

The Priests a$$

A priest wanted to raise money for the church. He was told there was a
fortune in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it
in a race. However, at an auction, the going price for a horse was so
steep that he decided to buy a donkey and race him. To his surprise ,
the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheet carried the
headline PRIEST'S a$$ SHOWS.

The priest was pleased with the donkey and entered it in another race.
This time it won. The paper reported PRIEST'S a$$ OUT IN FRONT. The
bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper read
BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S a$$.

This was just too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get
rid of the donkey. The priest gave the donkey to a nun at a nearby
convent, and the headline read NUN HAS THE BEST a$$ IN TOWN. The bishop
fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the
donkey. She sold it to a farmer for 10 dollars, and the paper duly
recored NUN PEDDLES a$$ FOR TEN BUCKS.

They buried the bishop the next day.

[This message has been edited by vladmir_illych_lenin (edited January 09, 2001).]

Guide to Safe Fax

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single
people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only
allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty one. How
old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you have learned the
correct procedure.

Q. If I fax to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on my street where you can go and pay to fax
someone. Is this legal?
A. YES! Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must
pay a PROFESSIONAL when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q. I fax quite often...Should I use a cover?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you're faxing, a cover should
always be used.

Q. What happens when I incorrectly fax and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed
for a long time. Just start over. Most fax partners won't mind if
you try again.

Q. I have a business and a personal fax. Can transmissions become
mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover each
time you fax, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

I made up this joke, and, as usual, I found it on the internet. http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/angry.gif


What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?

"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

<h1>W A R N I N G !</h1>

This machine is subject to breakdowns during
periods of critical need. A special circuit in the
machine called a 'critical detector' senses the
operator's emotional state in terms of how
desperate he or she is to use the machine.
The 'critical detector' then creates a malfunction
proportional to the desperation of the operator.
Threatening the machine with violence only
aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to
use another machine may cause it to also
malfunction. They belong to the same union.
Keep cool and say nice things to the machine.
Nothing else seems to work.

WARNING! THIS JOKE IS DIRTY! BUT I CENSORED SOME EXTREME PARTS! If you are offended my slight profanity, DO NOT READ ON!

Cybersex

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through
Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you`ll see below,
one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online
chat doesn`t seem to quite get the point of cybersex. Then again, maybe
he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels.
I work out every day, I`m toned and perfect. My measurements are
36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I`m 6`3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a
pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I`m also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells
funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We`re in my bedroom. There`s soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I`m looking up into
your eyes, smiling. My *CENSORED*.

Wellhung: I`m gulping, I`m beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I`m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I`m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I`m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I`m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I`m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides
off my warm skin. I'm *CENSORED*.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse. I`m sorry.

Sweetheart: That`s OK, it wasn`t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I`ll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don`t worry about it. I`m wearing a lacy black bra. My *CENSORED* as I *CENSORED*.

Wellhung: I`m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it`s stuck.
Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I`m reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. My *CENSORED*.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I`m picking up the bra and inspecting the
clasp.

Sweetheart: I`m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your *CENSORED* all over me!.

Wellhung: I`m dropping the bra. *CENSORED*

Sweetheart: I`m running my fingers through your hair. Now I`m nibbling
your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and
phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I`m so sorry; Really.

Sweetheart: I`m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my
blouse.

Wellhung: I`m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a
plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I`m pulling your sweat pants down and *CENSORED*.

Wellhung: I`m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!


uhh... the rest is WAY too dirty. I can not post it. If you want to read the real, uncensored version, PM me. It's really funny!

[This message has been edited by vladmir_illych_lenin (edited January 10, 2001).]

A lawyer charging a high fee, a lawyer charging a low fee and Santa Claus were seated around a table in the center of which was $10,000.


The lights went off. When the lights came back on the $10,000 was missing. Who took it????


The lawyer charging the high fee took it because the other two are a figment of your imagination.


------------------
Travin

Cool Book

-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
-Stellar Converter-
-Vladmir_illych_lenin-

Haha! That one was funny Travin. There's another one like it. It goes something like this:
There's a perfect man and a perfect woman. They had a perfect marriage, and a perfect honeymoon. On their way back from their perfect honeymoon, in their perfect car, driving in the snow, santa clause suddenly appeared in front of them. The car crashed, and only one person survived. Who was it?

Woman's answer: The woman survived, because a perfect man and santa clause are just figments of your imagination.

Men's comeback: I guess that's why the car crashed. The woman was driving.

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle
and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the
handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle
dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her
husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying
next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone
and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the
several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics
to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital,
the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing
that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels,
blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the
damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the
bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing
the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl
while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on
the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on
the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to
the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.
The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him
to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street
accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the
husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started
laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the
husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would
see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer
walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a
loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest
hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The
happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued
down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and
instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a
priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away,
narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed
the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise
came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he
turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

i like vlads story that the boy and girl wrote, first page i think. with the aliens and tea.

lefty's barbarian joke comes in second for me.

vanilla and corn, post your finalists here.

none of them are as good as my priceline.com joke though. dang its good!

It's on pg.2

I Would say leftys barbarian joke comes in first and the seconed place would be Travins Beer Joke!

------------------
The people in my cool book
1.Travin
2.Thunderfall
3.Stellar
4.SunTzu
5.Håkan
6.scorch
7.vladmir_illych_lenin
8.vanilla_converter
9.Michspirit99

The Internet is like a *****

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.

Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behaviour. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

<IMG SRC="http://www.geocities.com/melysni/woof.gif" border=0>

This may be too late for consideration, but consider if you will:

Four nuns are driving back to their cloister from a charity event. Their VW bug is struck and flattened by a tractor trailer, and they find themselves in line at the Pearly Gates(side entrance, 12 sins or less).

When their group reaches the head of the line, St. Jude(Pete always hogs the main gate) says

"I have but one question for you ladies of the cloth, one at a time. Have you ever touched a man's *****?"

The first nun nods her head yes, and Jude asks, "With what?" She holds up her hands. "Was your hands in the font of holy water and enter, sister."

He asks the second nun, "Have you ever touched a man's *****?" She nods yes as well. "With what, sister?" She points to her bosom. Startled, Jude says, "Very well, wash your chest with the holy water and enter."

In the meantime, the last two nuns, after a heated, whispered debate, have swapped positions.

"Sisters, why did you exchange spots in line?", Jude asks.

To which the fourth nun(now third) replies:
"I'll be damned if I'm gargling that stuff after she sits in it!!"

Im late on the contest too, but one day I was at the mall with my son. I got what I needed and was waiting in line and the gal in front of me saw him and said "Oh how cute I would like to have one" and I replied "We do have time..."

One day a rabbit walked into a bakery and said to the baker, "I want six baps, you jackass."
The baker said "Ur OK".

The next day the rabbit went back to the bakery and again said "I want six baps, you jackass."
This time the baker said "Now look here! You came in here yesterday and called me a jackass, and you've said it again today - come here again and say that and I'll nail your ears to the wall."

The next day the rabbit came back again - "'Got any nails?"
The baker said "No this isn't a DIY shop, this is a bakery."

"Then I'll have six baps you jackass."

This is kind of a visual joke, so I hope you guys can follow it...

Paddy is a hard working man from Ireland, but as he had trouble finding jobs in his homecountry, he moved with his family to England.
He searched for a job and found one at a construction site. The foreman saw the obvious qualities of a strong lad like Paddy and told him he could help building the department store they were currently working on.
'Everything you need is working spirit, two hands, some muscles ... and knowledge of the sign language, because we have trouble using our voice, considering the noise here.'
'No problem, sir' said Paddy, happy to have found a job at last. He ascended the building and started banging with a hammer.
Later that day a supply truck arived, to deliver some bricks. It entered the site, drove through a big hole and fell over partially.
The foreman assembled some of his strongest men to put the truck upright. He looked around and saw Paddy, up high working his b*tt off, and banging with his hammer.
'PADDY!', he yelled, 'PADDY!!!'
Between two *bangs* in, Paddy heard his name and looked down.
The foreman started gesturing:
PADDY!
I (he points to his eye)
NEED (points to his knee)
YOU (points to Paddy)
DOWN (points to the floor)
HERE (points to his ear)

Paddy, looks, seems to comprehend, but suddenly start wanking!
The foreman shouts: 'No, no! You've got it all wrong, and repeats the gestures: I need you down here!'
Again, Paddy tries to understand, shrugs, and starts wanking again!!
The foreman almost explodes, now that he realises that Paddy is making fun of him. He ascends the building and angrily steps to Paddy.
'Who do you think you are? I patiently ask you to come down to help us, and you tell me that I'd better :):):):) off?'

'No sir', Paddy explains: 'I'm coming, I'm coming!'


------------------
<A HREF="http://www.angelfire.com/scifi/exp/smile.html" TARGET=_blank><IMG SRC="http://www.angelfire.com/scifi/exp/smiley_t.gif" border=0></A>

Not sure if you've heard this one...

<h4>More Coffee</h4>

A customer was so infatuated with his waitress he decided to ask her for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and confronted her. With a total lack of finesse, he blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me since you served me? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," replied the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."


------------------
Visit the Civilization Gaming Network (http://www.civgaming.net) & Forums (http://www.civgaming.net/cgi-bin/forums/Ultimate.cgi)

It appears as if V.I.Lenin and Travin know where http://jokes.astraweb.com/ is. how about you guys just go that link and imagine I copyed and pasted some jokes so I dont have to go though all the effort?

deal? http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/smile.gif

------------------

~Weimar Republic

cheap liner:

why are some europeans russian while others are already finnish?

HERE ARE MY JOKES:

What did the blonde get on her test?
NAIL POLISH http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/mwaha.gif

How do you kill a blonde?
YOU STICK A SCRATCH AND SNIFF STICKER AT THE BOTTOM OF A POOL http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/punch.gif

How do you confuse a dumn blonde?
YOU TELL HER TO SIT IN THE CORNER IN A CIRCLE SHAPED ROOM http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/confused.gif

What do you call two lesbos in a boat?
FUR TRADERS http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/sex.gif

How do you change a dishwasher into a snow blower?
YOU GIVE HER A SHOVEL http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/sex.gif

HERE ARE MY SAYINGS:

"Life is like being shot in the buttocks. You never know how much it's gonna hurt." ~Xeven(THAT'S ME!)

"WOMEN and the universe, Two of MEN'S biggest mysteries. The difference between the two is: We my figure out the mystery of the universe, but we'll never figure out the mystery of women..." ~Xeven(THAT'S ME!)

Yeah and how do you call a clever blonde?
A labrador, I think.

_ What's the difference between Madonna and a boxing glove?
You can only put 5 fingers in the glove...

_ What does she put behind her ears to attract men?
Her knees!
_ What does she say after making love?
So you're all in the same football team?

Hope Stellar won't edit it. Doesn't seem to dirty http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/smile.gif

[This message has been edited by GenghisK (edited April 24, 2001).]

What does BSE stand for?

Butchers
Shops
Empty

------------------
<FONT COLOR="blue">VS4ever</FONT c>

<FONT size="5">Siny</FONT s>

I really wonder if American know about BSE, Siny. Because you and I live in UK (Europe?) we know but I'm not sure they've got that private joke...

------------------
Genghis K.

An old guy goes into a confessional and says, "Father, I'm 83 years old and have never been with any woman other than my dear wife of 50 years. But last night, father, I met these two beautiful 18 year-old girls, and well... We ended up going to a motel. Father, I made love to both of them all night, and into the morning. All night, father! I just couldn't help myself! It was like being a young man again. Better, even."

THe priest replies: "I see. When was your last confessional, my son?"

"Well, never Father. I'm Jewish."

The priest, shocked, says, "But... then why are you telling me all this?"

"I'm telling everybody, Father."

A young 18 years old Cherokee was about to have the test to prove he deserved to be a true Cherokee brave. The tests consisted in 3 tents.
In the first there was a 5 liter wine bottle that had to be drunk.
In the second one there was a tiger that had a tooth ache and had to be cured.
In the last one, there was a woman who has never had climax. Guess the test http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/wink.gif

He came in the first tent, drunk in 1 minute the bottle and came out, a bit drunk.
When he came in the second tent, everybody outside heard terrible roars and after 5 minutes of fighting, an absolute and dreadful silence... The tribe feared the worst but the guy got out, victorious and said: "And now the last test. Where the hell is the woman with the tooth ache?"

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Genghis K.

Sorry I have posted this elsewhere but wanted to post it here also:

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

To all the girls!

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN
Age 3: Looks at herself and sees a Queen!
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Fat/Pimples/UGLY (Mum, I can't go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but says, "At least, I am clean" and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. She goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world. Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier!

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Genghis K.

Sorry replying to myself but I've just got also these true Q/A:
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters -

I took me 30 minutes to put that in color using BB code! http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/frown.gif the red are for questions, the green for answers...

<FONT COLOR="red">What is your date of birth?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">July fifteenth.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">What year?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Every year.</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Gucci sweats and Reeboks.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Yes.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">: And in what ways does it affect your memory?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">I forget.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">How old is your son, the one living with you?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">How long has he lived with you?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Forty-five years.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">And why did that upset you?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">My name is Susan.</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">We both do.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">Voodoo?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">We do.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">You do?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Yes, voodoo.</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">Were you present when your picture was taken?</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">So the date of conception (of the baby was August 8th?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Yes.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">And what were you doing at that time?</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">She had three children, right?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Yes.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">How many were boys?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">None.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">Were there any girls?</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">How was your first marriage terminated?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">By death.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">And by whose death was it terminated?</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">Can you describe the individual?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">He was about medium height and had a beard.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">Was this a male, or a female?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">No, this is how I dress when I go to work.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">All my autopsies are performed on dead people.</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Oral.</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">Do you recall the time that you examined the body?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">Are you qualified to give a urine sample?</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">No.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">Did you check for blood pressure?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">No.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">Did you check for breathing?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">No.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">No.</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">How can you be so sure, Doctor?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.</FONT c>

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Genghis K.