An American, a Russian and a Chinese marine are talking about their navies. "Our submarines are vely good. They can stay undel watel fol twentyfoul houls" says the Chinese marine. "That's nothing. Our subs are so advanced they can stay under water for at least three days." answers the American. "Your navies are very weak. We have ze best submarines. When they dive under water, they'll never come up again."

http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/biggrin.gif


Anyone else got some jokes about the military?

------------------
Concordia res parvae crescunt.

why does the navy use powdered soap?


IT TAKES LONGER TO PICK UP!!!

http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/sex.gif

a marine and an army man both walk in to the public restroom and use the urinals the marine leaves with out washing his hands!
so the army man stops him and says "HEY IN THE ARMY THEY TRAIN US TO WASH OUR HANDS AFTER PISSING!"
the marine replys "IN THE MARINES THEY TEACH US NOT TO PISS ON OUR HANDS!"

------------------
The people in my cool book
1.Travin
2.Thunderfall
3.BlueMonday

[This message has been edited by vanillacube (edited March 03, 2001).]

Good one, Vanilla.

Q: Why do Russian women love Russian sailors?

A: Because they go down and stay down.

about submarine jokes heres one, almost the same as willemvanoranje's but not quite http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/smile.gif

[DISCLAIMER: This is a joke, nothing more]

george bush and vladimir putin are having a meeting by the harbor in Washington DC. putin brags that their new sub can stay under for almost 6 months without resurfacing.
bush however laughs and tells him the new american prototype will be able to be under for a whole year.
then the water starts bubbling and up comes an old sub. the hatch opens and a small guy in a worn uniform pops up saying: Heil Hitler, hast sie gazoline?

LzPrst, I see that's your first post. I'm honored. So you see, German subs are very good. TAK! (If you write it that way)

Sorry, Jei snakker ikke Norsk (if you write it that way).


Another joke:

An English, American and German soldier are standing together in a tower. They have to get out of it, and they want to jump. In the heat of the battle (that surrounds them), a strange old man flies to them and says:

If you jump out of that tower, you can say one word, and you will fall in it.

So the American GI jumps, and says: Dollars!
And he falls in a pool full of dollars.

Then the English soldier jumps, he says: Gold! And he falls in a pool full of gold.

Then it's the German's turn. He's running very quickly, he jumps, but slips and says "Scheisse!" And he falls in a pool of ........

Sorry

------------------
Concordia res parvae crescunt.

wow, i didnt know that civilized people were even aware that humans live up here on the rock, let alone speak the language http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/smile.gif

Language: Takk. Jeg. Everything else was right. Do you have any Dutch frases for me if i ever go to Holland?
I vaguely remember one, it went something like grip.. ... balle. no thats not right.
anyway I think it had something to do with bocha or something.

Anyway language aside heres a joke:
Military Intelligence...

and another one:

How many generals do you need to replace a light bulb?
Doesnt matter, they'll all complain that their budget is too small.

Couldnt think of any good ones, maybe later.

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that
they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building,"
they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would attack the building.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year
lease with an option to buy.

------------------
Visit the Civilization Gaming Network (http://www.civgaming.net) & Forums (http://www.civgaming.net/cgi-bin/forums/Ultimate.cgi)

http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/lol.gif

And LzPrst (sorry it took me so long):

Waar is de coffeeshop?
(if you want to buy soft drugs, that's legal here)

If you are in Amsterdam and you want to die:

Ik ben voor Feyenoord, **** Ajax!

If you are in Rotterdam and you want to die:

Ik ben voor Ajax, **** Feyenoord!

Don't know really much, else. Oh yeah, a popular word, used as bye! is MAZZEL. It comes from the Jewish word mazzeltov. There live a lot of Jewish people in Amsterdam. Did you know Jewish people call Amsterdam "Mokum"?

------------------
Concordia res parvae crescunt.

Here is some amusing stuff from specwarnet.com. Enjoy

Sign in an Ammo Dump:
If you must smoke go ahead. Then immediately exit through the hole which will have appeared in the roof.

The 5 Scariest Things in the Army!
1. A Private saying, "I learned this in basic training..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. And a Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $%!#..."

The Differential Theory of Special Operations Forces (Snake Model)
Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operation (AO):
 Paratrooper: Kills the snake.
 Armor: Runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.
 Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty . . . Ouch! Hey, that's not a kitty cat."
 Infantry (alt): "Ugh! Me see snake. Me like snake. Ouch! Me no like snake."
 Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Couldn't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake"
 Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.
 Ranger (alt): Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.
 SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.
 Corps Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants are awarded Silver Stars. (Cooks, Mechanics, Legal Clerks etc.)
 Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.
 Combat Controller: Guides the snake elsewhere.
 Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.
 Special Forces: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.

How The Military Has Changed Over The Years 1945 - NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
2000 - Everyone has an internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.
1945 - you were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
2000 - you spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you're out of ammo.
1945 - canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
2000 - canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and they always taste like plastic.
1945 - we defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.
2000 - we come up short against Iraq and Yugoslavia.
1945 - if you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers' Club.
2000 - the beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.
1945 - we called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
2000 - we call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.
1945 - victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken.
2000 - victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.



------------------
Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you.
- N.S.Khrushchev

Not exactly a "Military" joke, but somewhat along the same lines as the other ones, here`s one I read in the Japan Times some time ago:

The captain of a sinking cruise ship was trying to persuade his male passengers to let women and children board the lifeboats first. But he quickly learned he'd have to customize his pitch according to the nationalities on board. The Englishmen were easy; the captain simply appealed to their sense of honor. The French weren't so difficult, either; he just told them (though it wasn't true) that the Americans were insisting that men go first. The Germans were also a snap: the captain yelled, "Women and children first. That's the rule." And they all fell into line. The Americans went along, of course, a second after he asked them if they'd like to be heroes and save the world.
But the captain had to reach far down for a subtler argument in order to motivate the Japanese men to do the right thing. 'Women and children will go first," he declared finally, "because that is the ship-wide consensus."

This is also a funny but true story, concerning a US warship. Ok, I say first this belongs to the humor section so please no offense.

A US cruiser was patrolling when the captain received a radio message, something like:
"Hey could you change your route please? You're going straight to bump into me"
The US replied "no, YOU change your route".

And that "not me, you" discussion lasted for a while when finally, the US captain started to threaten the other guy saying he was commanding a powerful warship. Then he heard the following reply:
"I cannot change my route coz I'm in a lighthouse!"...

------------------
Genghis K.

Genghis the version I heard it was a US Carrier, and it was the full transcript, not like that really matters.

Anyway, here's an Air Force Joke for ya.

A Fighter pilot is escorting a Cargo plane on along boring mission. The two pilots were talking over the radio and got into an argument about who's plane was better.

The Fighter pilot said "My Fighter's better Watch what I can do." And promptly completed an intrigate series of manuvers of barrel rolls, loops and other such manuvers.

The Cargo pilot said "Well, my planes better... watch what I can do..." The Fighter pilot expectantly watched the Cargo plane for several minutes, but the Cargo plane remained flying straight. After a while the Fighter pilot called up the Cargo pilot and said "You didn't do anything."

The Cargo pilot replied "Sure, I did. I just got up stretched my legs, went to the bathroom and got myself a fresh cup of coffee."

Here's the Full version of the joke Genghis talked about...


This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a U. S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, DIVERT YOUR course."

Canadians: "No. I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north...that's one-five-degrees North, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

Note: The Navy has issued a press-release stating that this incident never happened -- but that doesn't make it any less humorous.

I saw that one in Reader's Digest (slightly altered - it was an admiral in a battleship, and the admiral said "I'm a battleship!". That's when the lighthouse said "I'm a lighthouse, your call...") :)

One that I remember about the differences between the different Branches:

PT (Physical Training) -
Marines: Run 3 miles every day
Army: Run 1 mile every day
Navy: Run 1/4 mile every day
AirForce: Flies.

:D

Okay, I'm probably going to mess up this joke, but what the hey?
*****************************************

An army general, a navy admiral, and a marine brigadier were arguing about which branch had the bravest men. To settle the argument, they each called their bravest enlisted man to attention.

The admiral called out Seaman Jones. "Seaman Jones, I want you to climb up that flagpole!" The sailor saluted, climbed the flagpole, and came back down.

"That's nothing," said the general. "Private Smith, I want you to climb that flagpole, stand on top, and salute!" The private, with no hesitation, climbed the flagpole, stood on top, and saluted, then came back down.

"Ha! Watch this," the brigadier retorted. "Private Adams, I want you to climb that flagpole, stand on top, sing the national anthem, salute, and jump off!"

The marine private looked at the flagpole, looked at the brigadier, and said, "Go to hell, Sir!"

The brigadier beamed, turned back to the general and the admiral and said, "See! Now THAT is brave!"

Genral:ANY QUESTIONS???
Soldier:Just one sir!
General:shoot
soldier:Why dont they allow gay pople in the army?
General:Corpral shoot that man!!
Corpral:I cant sir he's kind of cute
:rotfl:

The one about the carrier and the lighthouse is an amusing one, but 'tis an 'urban myth'. Here is another amusing one along similar lines:

It is 1968, and the Vietnam War is in full flight. Off the coast of the DMZ, a US Navy Destroyer is patrolling. Commanding is a zealous young officer, this being his first major command.

One dark night, he was on the bridge, when a large shape was picked up on radar, coming towards them.
"Unknown vessel, this is United States Navy ship USS Sampson. Identify yourself."
No response.
So, the captain tries again: "This is the USS Sampson. Identify yourself immediately.
No response.
The captain gives the order to prepare for action, and gives a final challenge: "This is Navy Destroyer USS Sampson. Identify yourself or we will fire upon you!"
The response comes across in a laconic voice: "This is the Battleship USS New Jersey. You may fire when ready." :D


Rules of Combat

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.

U.S. Army Official Voice Mail Message

Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, DC, and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of gray funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your ass off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitterpassed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.

Military Comparisons

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is sh*t."

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good sh*t!"

A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 lb pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great sh*t."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 lb pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this sh*t!"

An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned, carpeted BOQ room and says, "The cable's out? What kind of sh*t is this?"

USS Clinton

Perhaps the first ship of the next class of carriers will be the USS William J. Clinton. It will boast the ability to steer a course straight down the middle, but will have a tendency to veer to the left or toward large sums of money. It will be fueled by an unending supply of testosterone, which perpetually replenishes itself. Its presence will always be marked by chaos and destruction, but there will never be enough evidence to prove that it was really there. Maintenance of this class will be a nightmare as items will constantly disappear from the aircraft and wardroom furniture will mysteriously vanish.

Its sister ship, the USS Hillary Rodham, will easily steer to the left or to the right, if you know what I mean. Keeping decklogs on this ship will be difficult, as there will be no knowledge of having been anywhere or having done anything. This ship will also run on testosterone but will require a much higher octane. This ship will be characterized by impulses to suddenly change homeports.

Military Food Chain
A young Second Lieutenant approaches the crusty old CSM and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

The CSM replied, "It's history and tradition ... First we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable and also malleable. The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable. When you make Captain, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Colonel you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a General, you are, obviously, a star. Does that answer your question?"

"Yes," said the Second Lieutenant, "but what about Majors and Lieutenant Colonels?"

"That goes waaaay back in history ... to the Garden of Eden. You see we've always covered our pr*cks with leaves."

here are some jokes about the syrian army (they aren't that bright, it is scientifically proven)

* new recruits were being trained as paratroopers, the first day, they are given the basic training on the ground.
"you pull the blue rope first. if your chute doesn't open, you then pull the red rope, it will open your auxilliary parachute."
The next day, it they are tested on what they have learned. they are flown at 3000 m.
They start jumping. the first soldier jumps, pulls the blue cord but nothing happens, pulls the red cord, but nothing happens!!! then he sees a soldier that is going up in the air, so he asks him:
"what should i do, i can't open my parachutes"
other soldier:-" how the f**k should i know, i am an explosives expert!"

*The syrian air force replaced the old big fans on their helicopters and installed Air conditionning instead.

man those are good one time jokes i had a good laugh but if i heard that agian probably not so funny

thanxs those were nice

Murphy's Military Laws

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.

Friendly fire ain't.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a
map.

The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

:lol: