View Full Version : Nova Roma: A Tale of Byzantium

Oct 27, 2012, 10:26 PM
(This will feature a large quantity of lolwut. Any stupid moves made I blame on the characters and the citizens.)

Nova Roma: A Hellishly Terrible and Pathetically Sad Tale of Byzantium

The nomads and hunter-gatherers huddled around the fire, which stained their faces and bodies with warmth and light. It was time to stop their incessant wanderings, said the chieftain, a crafty fellow by the name of Justinian I. The land was rich and untouched, and to settle down here was far more desirable than constant searching for grasslands for their cattle and game-filled forests for the hunters. Thus the Byzantine civilization came into being, poised to fly their standards over every inch of the earth.

Whoa, watch out, world! The Byzantines are on the prowl!

And there was a snag in Justinian's grand plan of world domination.

The city site that he had chosen was not approved by the citizens of his empire. Surely they were just common peasants, but they were dangerous common peasants, and for whatever reason, they wanted to move to the east, where they could take "full advantage of the surrounding bay". Justinian desperately wanted to go tell them how they were a bunch of expletive-filled burritos, but on this occasion, he submitted to their clamors.

Justinian and his expletive-filled burritos move to the east.

Thus the great city - or, small little village, if you want to be realistic - of Constantinople was founded. Justinian laughed and partied all day, retiring into his palace with a few hot chicks at dusk. There was sufficient cause for his jubilation: the lands surrounding the capital were uninhabited and his for the taking.

Now, Constantinople was the capital of Byzantium. In order to rule effectively, Justinian told the men and women that the old tribal confederation was to be abolished as soon as possible: that meant more or less that they would be his perpetual servants with the abolition of the tribal government. Thankfully for them, this plan was not yet carried out, and they would peacefully prosper for quite some time.

Time flew by, and to live out those long days the inhabitants of Constantinople chose to devote their time to the research of catching weird slimy things with hooks, known in their tongue as "fishing". Meanwhile, warriors were scouting out the lands to the west and southwest.

The warriors, gallant and relentless in their persuasion of the unknown, had stumbled across a tribal village! Needless to say, they extorted 76 gold from the place before murdering the native population and burning the village to the ground. Such charming fellows.

Developments at Constantinople led to the discovery of fishing, and the citizens turned their attention towards research on making little clay pots. The warriors in the south, on stumbling upon a thick jungle, decided they didn't have the testicular organs to go through the mosquito-filled hellhole, and they headed back north to the city for a warm welcome from the cheery citizens.

They arrived at Constantinople, receiving a hero's welcome. In 3550 BC, a hero's welcome consisted of a few well-mannered grunts, some old Bud Light left over from last night's frat party and a loaf of bread. This addition of a new factor of the population in the city made Justinian pause and reflect upon the lifestyle of the Byzantines. He made a thorough analysis of what he found:

Despotism - a large meaty fist that Justinian used to hit people who didn't kiss his toes immediately. So far, he likes this system of government.
Barbarism - something about a blood-covered (?) fat person with a mug of beer. No objections to it.
Tribalism - fairly self-explanatory. Justinian is the chieftain of the tribe - or to put it in official terms, the Byzantine Empire. To Justinian, the system was outdated, but there were no alternatives.
Decentralization - Justinian does not like big words. No objections.
Paganism - the worshiping of the large purple giraffe god, the small orange potato god and the medium-sized grey undergarment god are all very prevalent in Byzantium. Justinian is not a very religious person, but he doesn't really care.

The discovery of pottery led to creation of a vibrant ceramics scene in Constantinople. Alongside potters, bakers, workers, hunters and travelers began to congregate in the city. Byzantium was undergoing a renaissance of trade and culture - albeit a primitive one - as natives from the surrounding lands joined the populace of the city.
Next up on the empire's agenda was sailing. In combat, it served a purpose: the research of annoying little ocean-going vessels could help Byzantium combat other people with annoying little ocean-going vessels. Alongside the military purpose was the economical purpose; raw supplies, fine goods and copious amounts of workers and soldiers could be transported.

Justinian received news of the discovery of Buddhism, whatever the hell that was. Tantamount to this discovery was another discovery of some magic mushrooms that could supposedly heal wounds. After burning the unfortunate scientist at the stake, he assured the population that they were not going to be force-fed shrooms.

Sailing had been researched, but the citizens of Constantinople were far too busy to be making little boats. The need to expand and develop the empire's land was at the forefront. Thankfully, workers had gone out into the countryside to create farms, settle villages and create roads.

In 2725 BC, some dweeb by the name of Herodotus had gone around to all of the neighboring civilizations and made a little list about their technologies so he could feel relevant. Upon hearing the news that Byzantium was listed as pathetic, Justinian tracked Herodotus down and ripped out both of his eyes, ate part of his nose, cut off six of his fingers and threw him into a deep pit with a television that only played Nicholas Cage movies. Herodotus killed himself some time later.
Hunting, present as individual hunters peddled their wares to the city, was researched on a much-wider scale in Constantinople. Now entire herds of animals could be captured and maintained by the empire.

By this time Constantinople was little more than it was a thousand years ago, albeit with the addition of a few minor improvements. Thanks to the efforts of the robust workers, farms were springing up across the countryside.

Tune in next time to watch Nova Roma: A Tale of Byzantium!

Oct 28, 2012, 09:15 AM
Interesting... :P

Oct 28, 2012, 01:56 PM
The discovery of archery had baffled the happy Byzantines: now, instead of walking over to their foes and clubbing them to death, they could launch arrows at them! Justinian ordered a feast day to celebrate – yet that wasn’t the only cause of celebration.
Some folks from Constantinople had successfully made it south to settle down and found the second city of the empire, Thessalonica. It was only a matter of time before the workers could make roads joining the two cities together.

The Byzantine Empire, c. 2400 BC:

Alarming news from the newly-founded city was received in Constantinople: a small boat from the people who called themselves the Mongols had established contact with the Byzantine governor of Thessalonica. Justinian had raced down to Thessalonica to meet the leader of this strange nation, a man by the name of Genghis Khan. Mr. Khan's boat splashed ashore onto a beach near Thessalonica, where he stood and called out a welcome and a threat to Justinian:

After laying down peaceful relations with the Mongols, Justinian ventured back to the capital where he was glad to see that the Empire's first ships were ready to be launched out into the nearby sea to provide the citizens of Constantinople with a healthy supply of fish.

Justinian's pleas were answered with the discovery of Masonry. Now, Byzantium's cities could be protected with formidable walls: yet, there were no point to walls if there weren't any soldiers to man them. Extensive archery programs continued in Thessalonica, and the village elders in Constantinople hoped that Mining and Bronze Working could bring a new and deadly set of tools to Byzantium's war machine.

Settlers seeking to expand the empire had set off to the east, but upon finding that there were no quality lands, they headed west. Past the desert, they stumbled across a new land of rolling grasslands and verdant forests.
Justinian, that over-conscious autocrat, ordered the construction of a massive defensive wall that would keep any and all invaders away: however, the project fell into ruins when the workers rioted and marched on strike. Justinian was not only lucky to retain his office, but also his life. Thus, he simply ordered the conscription of more archers while things settled down.

The failure of the Wall.

Settlers seek out new lands.

Bronze Working was perfected, at last. Workers were now able to seize the bounties of the forests: with bronze, the military was able to expand significantly. Yet the most important aspect of this was the introduction of slavery.

Justinian had never liked the grimy little inhabitants of his glorious capital. Aside from the occasional laborer, they just sat at home watching re-runs of The Cosby Show. It was time to put them to work, and brutally at that.

In time, the great continent to the west was fully explored. The settlers, after reviewing all other spots, had chosen the site of their new city to be on a hill facing the southern sea, in close proximity to the plains and the forests. It was christened Adrianople, after the leader of the expedition, a man by the name of Adrian.

The Empire, c. 1575 BC:

Oct 28, 2012, 08:36 PM
Well, I'm going to read this. Welcome to this part of the forums! Have a sniper rifle, you'll need it :p

Oct 28, 2012, 09:20 PM
Thank ye kind sir.

Spruced up the first post a bit. Unfortunately it'll be some time before the next part of the story.

Oct 29, 2012, 03:19 PM
:lol: A blood-covered fat man with a mug of beer. No objections. Fun story.

Oct 29, 2012, 03:37 PM
I thought this was going to be a legit history-book type story... until I read of Justinian's expletive-filled burritos and how he took a few hot chicks back to his palace after a night of partying :lol:
Nice story you got here, and I'll be sure to keep reading.

Oct 30, 2012, 06:59 PM
:lol: A blood-covered fat man with a mug of beer. No objections. Fun story.

Well, that's what the little Barbarism icon looked like. I don't really see what a fat man with a mug of beer has to do with being barbaric.

Anyways, our story continues:

In Constantinople, the first documented usage of slavery began to occur. Soldiers were forcibly drafted into the military, trained in archery, and shipped off to the undefended port of Adrianople against their free will.

The secret of animal domestication had finally been mastered. Any beasts living in the Empire, no matter if they were swine, cattle or poultry, were now able to be controlled and used for their meat, wool and milk.
The addition of many new farms had also increased the need to store grain in the Empire's cities. Slave labor was used to build a Granary in the capital, greatly increasing the capacity of food storage there.

Centuries passed. Slave labor was continuously used to feed the Empire's ever-growing infrastructure, and it soon fueled the construction of the navy as well. A Galley in Constantinople was finished in 800 AD, and Justinian ordered a detachment of warriors to board it and head off in search of new lands.

In the five-hundred and fifty years since 1350 AD, 800 AD presented a swathe of new opportunities. Barracks were being constructed to provide for the Empire's military, workers were improving the Empire's unused land with farms and towns, and many new technologies (Iron Working being the most important of these) had been discovered by the scientific elite of Byzantium.

(Short update, sorry)

Nov 01, 2012, 11:58 AM
Welcome, Young writer, to the land where the strong control all and the weak "cultured" people burn, where the advanced destroy the primitive, where the UN is a tool for world domination, where democracy is just a means of building things quicker while communism is the most effective economy for large empires more often than not, where those who conquer the quickest and than keep control of their spoils are the most respected, where men love to start as cavemen on their trip 2 the cosmos, the heavens fall twice with incantations of unbelievable power, where the ultimate religious authority is a white, radioactive rock that can burst forth sometimes with the radiance of a thousand suns[1 (], where the forecast is continued war in a hell-hole of eternal war against EurasiaEastAsia with a 100% chance of mushroom clouds, or have been forced to abandon their own home due to thermonuclear warfare for the stars. All at the dance of those voyaging writers, who place with the lives of trillions for the purposes of their game.

This is Civfanatics. Only The the strong will flourish under its members iron rule and titanium fists. The weak will be perished, the strong ganged on, the cunning survive.
Do you have what it takes, Oh maybe wise and definately greedy writer?

Nov 01, 2012, 06:50 PM
Just ignore him^, he's insane

Nov 02, 2012, 04:51 AM
We're all insane here.

Nov 02, 2012, 09:20 AM
No argument there.

Nov 02, 2012, 10:11 AM
definitely...why do I think I've turned into a Social Darwinist...