View Full Version : Blessed be the Peacemakers


SKILORD
Apr 04, 2003, 09:52 PM
Blessed are the Peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.”
-Matthew 5: Verse 9


The Confederate Flag flew unfettered in the fading sunlight, floating in a tired victory at the top of the pole.

They almost always had, since the secession at least. His Virginia cotton fields sent a gentle breeze up his whitewashed porch, the pleasant sound of Laborers in the distance, earning their wages at the feet of King Cotton. He missed the gentle wilds of Tennessee, but he could hardly help the Confederate government from his home state.

Time had abolished slavery; everyone knew that it would in the end. In the modern age of 1947 no one could conceive of such things as Slave auctions or unpaid laborers. Even the confederacy had let the system go to seed, but the States had not seen fit to do anything else with the laborers it had freed, and so they remained, unchanged but for pittances bestowed upon them now by their masters, though the name master would only be taken by the most bold.

He took a long sip from his Iced Tea. It’s brown dusty flavor washing down his throat. The breeze tossed the fading sunlight across the fields. Life felt spread out before him, he felt possessed of a feeling of freedom, and it gave him great satisfaction to believe this. He was the lord of his domain, master of this small fiefdom.

Silently his wife tiptoed gingerly to his side, placing the paper upon his lap. She appreciated his love of current events, which was not uncommon in Secretaries of State, and a grin shadowed her face as she let the paper slip onto his trousers. A half expressed grin of his own making replied to it as he pulled the paper to his eyes, his hands fumbling at his newly acquired glasses with the other hand.

“Thank you Rose,” he almost whispered, though she heard and turned to smile back again.

“You’re welcome Judge.”

The use of his nickname cracked a grin across his wrinkled face. His wife finished her smile and trotted back inside. He finally pulled his glasses on, bringing his eyes to bear on the ink soaked pages.

The Kaiser had finally united the Austrians with their homeland; the striking headline caused little surprise to its reader. Kaiser Wilhelm the Third, with the help of Chancellor Hitler, had been cajoling the Austrians for months to finally unite Germany, As though the Reich wasn’t great enough as it stood. Bismarck’s child sat on the opposite side of the Atlantic, towering above the French Republic and the Tsar. His heart went out to the Austrians, in a way, they were much akin to the Confederacy; estranged from their motherland, and warped from the role that motherland would have them play.

The United States towered to the North of the Confederacy, a benign giant watching it’s smaller cousin to the South. The Yanks never took them seriously. When Zimmerman had sent notice to them during the Great war, a deal to invade the northerners in the event of war, the British had seen fit to tell the Americans, who laughed and shrugged it off, magnanimously offering the Southerners leniency for presuming to receive such a note. But it wouldn’t have mattered anyway; the Americans had never gone to war. The Northerners had spent the past years wallowing in ease and pleasure, hatred and distaste seeped across the border with the immigrants who fled the South for the plentiful jobs of the north, especially as they fled the Dust Bowl, which had once consumed much of the Confederacy. The Union had almost invariably boomed. The Confederacy limped along, in a race it would never win.

The paper drooped to the floor as the workers marched cheerfully to their homes, once called slave’s quarters, on the plantation. But they were paid now, the guilt slowly dripped from his soul.

“Cordell?” a voice beckoned from inside, the southern drawl irresistible. Mr. Hull stood to his full stature and lumbered calmly indoors. Throwing his eyes behind him as the laborers marched, trudging into their homes.

-


“The Senate meets in a week, Mr. Hull. They will likely want to have some footing on this before they have to vote on anything.”

“Foreign affairs, sir, are rarely the business of the Senate.”

“No, pahhaps they are not, sir. But ah sweah to you that the building and maintenance of ahhmd forces is.”

Cordell could only grin determinedly when Strom threw such fits. Thurman would likely have his way in the end, he almost always did. That fact did not bar the Secretary of State from toying at the idea of changing his mind, impossible a crusade though it may be.

“I assure you, that things are not so grave yet.”

“When they go to war, and we fahnd ouhselves caught between them, I swear you shall rescind that.”

“When they do,” Cordell smiled once more at the futility of it all, “I will.”
-


Havana is a lovely town, to even the most critical eye. It was at this scenic location, at a hotel designed to be scenic, sitting over their astoundingly tropical drinks that the two men sat, laid back in a manner that would not suggest importance.

“Cordell, my friend. It is very good of the Confederacy to mediate this business, but we must ask why it’s any of the business of the Southern States.”

Cordell smiled benignly back, hoping to assume an air of calmness and nonchalance. “Edward, The Confederacy has interests in the region. We would like to see the Krauts kicked out of Haiti as well as you, but we are unprepared to die over it.”

If the Americans succeeded in appearing calm and laid back the recently arrived German failed miserably. Joachim von Ribbentrop was never known for his especially kind manner. He wore a German helmet, which he poised to remove at the table; the proud German flags on the car outside marked it as his own.

“Herr Ribbentrop!” Cordell stood, reaching a hand to shake the German’s. A salute responded and Cordell was left drawing his hand awkwardly back.

Edward Stettinius had learned from the southerner’s mistake and saluted the German, who returned the salute curtly, before sitting down at the seat, his back a brisk line with the chair.

“I have heard that there is to be negotiation here,” he had a strong accent, though it was apparent that he had mastered the language, Cordell suspected that he maintained the accent as a matter of pride, not lowering himself far from his own German tongue, “The Reich does not wish to negotiate much, we wish to govern Haiti.”

“That is in direct violation of Monroe doctrine, Herr Hitler knows that, as does the Kaiser. The United States refuses to allow a European power to bully them.”

“There are no bullies here, we take what we deserve, and you keep what you have.”

“There is a bully here, the Caribbean is not a European plaything.”

“No, an American plaything I presume?”

A sudden panic washed over Cordell, he wondered if he would be able to control the meeting at all. Just as suddenly coolness swept over him, of course he could keep control, he was Cordell Hull, a peacemaker if ever there was one.

“Gentlemen,” his clear, southern voice cut through the chaos, brought attention to him, “We are not here to fight the first battle of a war, we are here to avert that conflict.”

Ribbentrop glared up at him, “We are here to avert conflict,” It sounded as though he was testing the words in his mouth. Assessing them to be good he nodded sagely, “We are here to ensure that the Americans do not feel themselves worthy of the Fatherland’s armies attentions.”

He lifted his hand to Edward, who quickly cooled his quite apparent desire to speak up at the outrage that the German had just called.

It would be a long meeting.

-

“I am not a young man.”

“I know that Cordell, thank you for moderating these talks.”

“I want to retire soon.”

“Yes Cordell,” With youthful impudence, a feat for a man of Forty-Six, Edward Stettinius rolled his eyes at his counterpart, “For all your supposed sickness, you handle yourself quite well around the Germans.”

Cordell sighed, brushing his white hair to the side, “You think I dare appear weak before them? I would be terrified to, and I’m not the one threatening them with war.”

Stettinius bit his lip, and, slowly summoning a look of determination, replied.

“You think it’s not a just cause? Do you think the people of Haiti really want to follow the Kaiser?”

“Do you think they want to follow Roosevelt?”
A pause.

“No, I suppose not. But…”

“But you need Haiti, if you want to protect that Canal of yours.”

“Of ours, Cordell. We own it jointly with the Confederacy.”

Cordell snorted, “We never use it. Why should we?”

“So you’re saying that you want the Germans playing at Empires again? Don’t you remember Cuba?”

Cuba had seen a bloody revolution against Spain, the dissonance of the Revolution had kept the Confederate navy out of the Caribbean for months until they annexed the territory outright, with Union backing.

“All worked out here,” he stiffened while saying this.

“Yes, but wasn’t it a bother?”

Cordell sighed, “It was.” Memories of late night whispered Spanish floated to the top.

“Besides, you remember how you said you feared seeming weak? We’re stuck in the same situation on a national scale. What would the Kaiser or the Chancellor think if we let them barge in without a fight?”

“I’m retiring soon Edward, I want to be remembered as a peacekeeper.”

“You will always be remembered as a peacekeeper,” his exasperated tone was all he had left for sympathy.

“For what? Negotiating with Mexican bandits? Talking the Spanish out of a war over Cuba? I had nothing really to work with. If I had been granted the affairs of a superpower, like you, I could have been remembered. I doubt I will be remembered here.”

“The Confederacy is a plenty powerful nation.”

A wise grimace spread across his face as his down turned eyes pulled ever so slightly towards Edward. “Do they really believe that up north?”

Edward returned the smile with a shrug, “It was worth a shot.”

“No, it wasn’t. The South has virtually no power; we couldn’t beat the Mexicans if it came down to the line. We are overshadowed by the Union, whenever anyone thinks of America they think of you. The Confederacy is a great place to live, very noble and lovely. We have virtually no army. Our navy hasn’t been a consideration since the Great War. No, there is no power. Never remind a southerner of that if you value his friendship. We are proud of our independence, we are proud of our culture. We have nothing else to be proud of.”

“A lot like….”

“The Austrians,” Cordell cut him off.

“Do you really fear an anschluss in America?”

“I don’t know. I am a peacemaker, not a fool, I would not grant the possibility amnesty.”

“You shouldn’t have anything to fear.”

“I am not a fool, to take your word.”
-

“Deutschland uber alles,” A smile as he seated himself.

“Herr Ribbentrop, you do love your fatherland,” Cordell smiled, he likewise loved his nation, small and weak though it may be.

“Ja, I see these other nations, I speak their languages, I am the Chancellor’s strong right arm when it comes to other nations, but nothing in another nation compares to the glory of my fatherland.” The smile was wider than usual now.

“How do you like Cuba?”

“It is,” he looked around him, like a student hoping to cheat on a quiz by finding some hidden answer on the wall, “Nice. Yes, the Caribbean is a nice place to have holdings, is it not?”

“You could rally no dissent from my countrymen.” It was an open phrase, too open, he realized too late.

“Ahhhh… but could I rally support?”

Cordell almost bit his tongue for it’s devilish work.

“President Thurman didn’t send me here to pick sides.”

“No? I have heard, that President Thurman doesn’t quite like the meeting at all.”

It was true, Cordell had worked uncharacteristically single-mindedly for this meeting, seeing it as too precious an opportunity to let go. Thurman had likely requested that the states begin instituting drafts already.

“President Thurman approves of the meeting.”

A smile crossed the German’s face, “It says so on paper.”

Silence filled the room, Ribbentrop spoke again.

“But what do you feel? Who is righteous here?”

“Myself? Personally I am disappointed that the nations involved feel it must come to blows. If there were a war, I would resign in shame. If there was a war, I would not have to pick sides.”

“Germany can be a very generous ally.”

Cordell grinned as he spoke, “The Turks would not agree.”

Ribbentrop paused. The Turks had stood by Germany’s side as victors in the Great War; they had won nothing and lost their empire despite victory. Germany had been one of the first nations to seize the land, which they left.

“The Turks were weak. Germany rewards her strong allies.”

“Austria?”

A frustrated silence settled over the room. Cordell realized he had been too open, pushed too hard against Ribbentrop and insulted him.

“If war comes. You will not have to pick sides.” With this he stood and left Cordell, who knew himself old enough to know better than to utter the faux pas he had made, staring in his wake.

SKILORD
Apr 04, 2003, 09:54 PM
“You could make concessions.” Cordell suggested quietly, ashamed at his failure to negotiate a truce yet.

Edward looked at him oddly, “Are you being serious?”

“I,” Cordell sighed, “Have been a fool, I have made mistakes here. I wish to rectify this.” Cordell stared into the distance, confused, aimless.

Edward smiled at his perplexed counterpart, reaching out a hand to grasp his shoulder conciliatorily.

“If there is war. America will stand united.”

Cordell sighed, “Which is what I’m afraid of. Which is what my countrymen are afraid of.

“I don’t mean like that Hull, come on.”

“No, you don’t. Is that how Roosevelt would say it though?”

“Franklin is a kinder man than you give him credit for.”

“Yes, I am quite sure, and Lincoln was quite the futile hero you imagine him as well.”

“We don’t see eye to eye.”

“We never did, our nations never did. That is why there are two nations rather than one.”

“There is no need for your fears. If you must fear anyone, fear Ribbentrop and Wilhelm.”

“The Kaiser is an ocean away, Franklin is almost next door.”

“We aren’t here in Havana to discuss this,” Edward reminded him.

“No, and I don’t see why you can’t just let the Krauts have Haiti.”

“You said earlier that the Germans were an ocean away,” smoothly he smiled, “The Union would like them to stay that way.”

“Your way they won’t. Your way, they will assuredly come here.”

“Our way, they shall lose,” He shifted his seat, uncomfortable, “You underestimate the Union.”

Cordell sighed. He forgot the words looking into the distance.

“I have always wanted to make peace. Do you understand that? I do not care if I go down an unsung hero, I want to make peace rule. Do you understand how Ribbentrop feels? He would go to war over honor. You would go to war over land. I say neither. Peace is more important. Do you understand where I am coming from?

“Let me explain this. Haiti doesn’t matter. Not to Ribbentrop, not to Wilhelm, not even to the Chancellor, land and power crazed though he may be. What they are willing to fight over is that the Union said no to them. You denied them Haiti. The Germans are a proud breed, Edward, never underestimate their pride.”

“If they care so little about Haiti, then why so… bellicose?”

“Herr Ribbentrop would say, if they care so little about honor why them? Do you understand?”

“No,” Edward sighed, “I don’t understand it at all anymore. The business of America is business, not war. I wish, with all my heart, that I could leave, go back to Chicago, and start over. There are days when I love this job; this is not one of them. Today I feel like the first casualty of the looming war.”

Cordell smiled weakly, “The diplomats are the front line, in many ways.”

“You love this, don’t you? Even when you lose?” Edward looked accusingly at him.

“Perhaps….” Cordell looked off again, “Perhaps I do.”

-


“What exactly does Haiti have to offer your nation Ribbentrop?” Edward asked, his hair unkempt, fitting the ungodly hour the darkness of the room made apparent.

“Herr Stettinius,” a deep breath forewarned of a rambling explanation, which was memorized, not felt, “The German Fatherland needs colonies. The Economic value of such establishments has been proved and proved again-”

“The island which you wish to colonize, Haiti, you are aware that it has a history of revolution against European colonizers. For instance, a revolt by Touissant L'Overture ejected the French from the Western Hemisphere.”

Ribbentrop frowned at the prospect; “There will be no slaves in German Haiti.”

“I am assured,” the look in Edward’s eyes made it clear he wasn’t, as did his tone. Cordell wondered if the German would pick up on the subtleties.

Ribbentrop proved his cunning, “Mr. Stettinius, regardless of whether there are or are not plans to enslave the population of the island, what concern of the United States is it. You have proved that you are incapable of stopping slavery. If your issues are with slavery, then you would best resolve your conflict with our esteemed moderator.”

Cordell shot up with a speed painful to such an old man, “Good God man, what accusations do you make? There are no slaves in the Confederacy.”

“I for one,” the German spoke with a sneer, “Have been to the Confederacy Mr. Hull. You may blind your neighbors with your imagined egalitarianism, but I have seen the people of the South, not the rulers, Cordell, the people. The laborers of the field, not those who watch with tea in one hand and a whip in the other.”

“Herr!” Cordell shouted, scandalized.

“Es ist die Wahrheit,” He turned his head from the Americans, leaving them to squabble as he had prepared.

Edward looked with a haughty sneer at Cordell, but turned to Ribbentrop, “I concede that there are no angels in this room, but I ask you this. To choose now, will there be war between our nations, or will the Kaiser stop the ships on their way to Haiti.”

Glaring back at the Americans Joachim spat, “Let there be war.”

“May the better angels of your nature force a reconsideration,” Cordell wished.

“It is not likely. Deutschland Uber Alles.” Ribbentrop turned on his heel and left the room.

“God Save America.” Edward almost collapsed at his chair.

-

“Perhaps you could take part of the island.”

Ribbentrop smiled back at the Confederate, shaking his head.

“War has come my friend, why try to stop it?”

“Because,” Cordell spoke with force, pushing the younger man, “There is no point. Men will die; the island will be devastated either way. Do the Germans really want to command a ruined island?”

“Germany can, do you understand? Have you Americans so long been separated from power that you may no longer see it? Germany has the power to rebuild the island as we rebuilt Eastern Poland and the other bounties of past wars.”

“Bounties? You can speak of Bounties of the Great War? What did that land cost? Millions of lives? How can you exchange them?”

“The Americans are unable to stand against the Armee. They are not the French, we have no fear.”

“The Yanks are certainty not the French. They can offer far more men than the French ever could and the Generals of the North are not to be scoffed, Pershing and Marshall may be old, but they are certainly able to lead the men against your like.”

“They are not Lee.”

“You certainly blow hot and cold don’t you? Your nation is brilliant at coercion, isn’t it? Bismarck began a brilliant tradition of bullying other nations into alliances”

“You know that Confederate commanders are better. Eisenhower, Macarthur. The list goes on. Imagine them coupled with Rommel for a campaign in the Southwest.”

“Isn’t Erwin busy in the Sudan? Putting down the revolutionaries?”

“Bah, Africa is of little concern, Rommel can far better serve in America.”

“War will not touch this side of the Atlantic.”

“You poor confederate. You fool. The Reich will crush the Americans, why will you not stand with us?”

“There will be no war.”

-


“Is it possible that we may now compromise?” Cordell looked up at the Yank.

“The Reich will not, you know that.”

“Perhaps they shall, imagine if we let the Haitians retain their independence.”

Edward pulled himself up, intrigued, “To what degree?”

“Perhaps if you have a say in their rule. Do you remember the Areas of influence in China before the Japs took it over?”

“I’m familiar with the idea, but would the Germans accept that.”

“The Good Herr wishes to divide the States again, this is, he knows, the only path to victory in this hemisphere. If we present a united front he will falter in his pigheaded persistence enough to compromise, at least this much.”

“I thought the South was weak,” Edward smiled lopsidedly at the irony.

“At this particular time strength doesn’t matter, only that he perceives us as such.”

“I hope he does.”

“I promise you, he does. He will falter in the face of union.”

“I thought you feared union.” Stettinius almost laughed.

“I hold peace more dear.”

-


“A protectorate?”

“Yes, protectorate, a shared protectorate. You and the Union share the island in a protectorate.”

“Germany does not want to share….”

Edward spoke up, his eyes pleading, “And America does not wish to go to war. We will share, if there is any war, there will be no question in the word’s eyes who started it.”

Ribbentrop sat back. The Americans could rally Europe against Germany. A return of the union, which had once bound Russia, France and Britain, could very well disseat the very German Empire the defeat of that same union had made possible. He sighed. There was no question that he had very little choice.

“We will do so. Are you sure your government approves?”

“Franklin is composing an addendum to the doctrine to allow this. America approves.”
Another mildly frustrated sigh escaped his lips. He drooped his eyes, feeling somehow outwitted.

Edward reached a conciliatory hand to him.

“Gott segnt Deutschland”

“Gott segnt Amerika,” he smiled back, almost trusting.

-

“Time has separated our nations. But, paradoxically, we will grow together in time. I assure you this, my friends. The Union is no more, the Confederacy no more. We are united once more, one nation, under god, Indivisible. And it is united that we shall now face the world. Lincoln and Davis’s victories both realized in the joining of their nations.”
- Excerpt from John F. Kennedy’s ‘Unification speech’

Plexus
Apr 05, 2003, 01:42 AM
Very good so far, SKILORD! Keep it comming. I love this Alternate History stuff.

SKILORD
Apr 05, 2003, 10:45 AM
Ummmm...... ples... that's all.

Plexus
Apr 05, 2003, 03:03 PM
Oh, alright. :lol:

SKILORD
Apr 05, 2003, 03:15 PM
Nah, tis verily my fault, tis a poor mark on my pen that I failed to make such clear.

Azale
Apr 06, 2003, 08:47 AM
Great Work! Screw Apolyton! You have a fanbase right here!:goodjob:

Angelscotboi
Apr 06, 2003, 10:21 AM
Would you look at that, a growing skilord fan-club. :lol:

SKILORD
Apr 06, 2003, 02:28 PM
I have some interesting Ideas about Dwight Eisenhower and this particular universe. Woulld any of you be interested in reading a few other stories based in this particular diversion from common History?

There are actually quite a few more things I would be interested in doing, and since this is likely all that the Literary Magazine (A yearly publication at my school which I was asked to submit something to, and in which Peacemakers will appear) will ever see It is up to you, the feedback Crowd, to determine if anything else along the line of the Peacemakers' universe is worth going after.

I think they will take about 2 weeks each to write and will be posted in 1 post edited form, like this one, rather than the form of Legacy and my other past works.

A few other Stories could be (This list is to help me keep track):

King and Country The Story of Erwin Rommel

In His Defense Gen. MacArthur and Lt. Eisenhower in Mexico

God Save the Queen Winston Churchill

Indivisible The Anschluss

Kingfish Huey Long

Banner The Cuban Revolution

These stories are each to stand alone. They may have lmention in each other ('Dealing with Mexican Bandits?', and the overveiw of the Cuban Crisis are good examples here) but they will be independent of each other, thus not a series, but rather a set of interesting paralell stories.

Azale
Apr 07, 2003, 06:09 AM
Banner and In His Defense sound good.

SKILORD
Apr 07, 2003, 05:56 PM
I think that Jason the King said the same thing at Apolyton.

Azale
Apr 08, 2003, 05:22 AM
Well than, what does that tell you?:D

SKILORD
Apr 12, 2003, 06:38 PM
It tells me that the will of the people can be ignored ;)

I'm finishing Crusader's Legacy first.

Sullla
Apr 16, 2003, 10:10 AM
SKILORD,

VERY well done, a vast improvement over what you were writing just a few months ago. I am impressed by the rapid development of your writing skills; this is indeed a good short story. If you are in the mood to accept criticism, try to develop and introduce your characters better. (e.g. Who is Cordell Hull? Why is he a peacemaker? and so on; also bear in mind that non-WWII buffs are unlikely to be familiar with Ribbentrop) It is also difficult at times to follow who is saying what in the dialogue; every few lines it is a good idea to acknowledge who is speaking. Settings are a bit vague as well. But the overall subject matter is interesting and the flow between the characters works both smoothly and efficiently. A very good effort here, and I wish you the best of luck as you continue to write! :)

NightThatSaysNI
Apr 21, 2003, 05:51 PM
good story but one thing i thought it said "Blessed be the cheesemakers,for they shall be called the children of gaul."in the bible?

SKILORD
May 13, 2003, 06:54 PM
Sulla: I'm posting the new version here, it will do much to satisfy your criticisms, as I feel my conflict is better resolved and my characters better developed.

For the Ribbentrop bit, for the Literary Magazine this was published in I was required to rite an introduction introducing my historical characters and the genre to the masses.

Thank you for your praise and critique.

SKILORD
May 13, 2003, 09:07 PM
New Version up, check it ouyt!

Sullla
May 14, 2003, 08:51 PM
SKILORD, you've made some good improvements, though without the original to compare it to I can't say I noticed exactly what was changed. Since you seemed receptive to some earlier commentary, I thought I'd do some closer analysis on the opening of your story to show you how you can improve it. Your writing is coming along nicely, but there are a couple of areas you can improve to make it look more professional.

The Confederate Flag flew unfettered in the fading sunlight, floating in a tired victory at the top of the pole.

GOOD introduction to the story, which is always a difficult thing to do. But you could make it stronger by changing "Confederate Flag" (a rather stale phrase) to "Stars and Bars". This is a much more visible symbol, and it fits the sentence's verb better too because it calls to mind the waving of the stripes in the reader's mind. "Unfettered" is a GREAT adjective here, calling to mind symbols of freedom. "Floating in a tired victory" doesn't quite fit though; how can a flag float in a tired victory. What is a tired victory, after all? That's the only weak part of this opening sentence. (In my head, I changed it to "sounding a tired victory fromt the top of the pole", but there are many ways it could be switched around).

Now let's look at your second paragraph:

They almost always had, since the secession at least. His Virginia cotton fields sent a gentle breeze up his whitewashed porch, the pleasant sound of Laborers in the distance, earning their wages at the feet of King Cotton. He missed the gentle wilds of Tennessee, but he could hardly help the Confederate government from his home state.

The first sentence is good, short and to the point while shedding light on the backround history of the story. "His Virginia cotton fields" is all wrong though. You cannot use a pronoun for a character which has not been introduced yet! :) Just don't use the possessive form here; the sentence should start "The Virginia..." By the way, that whole phrase is NOT a sentence; there is no verb anywhere in there! Read it to yourself and you'll see what I mean; it's just a bunch of phrases strung together. You'll want to avoid doing this when writing. The sentence should read something along these lines:

[The] Virginia cotton fields sent a gentle breeze up [the man's (?)] whitewashed porch, the pleasant sound of Laborers [VERB here] in the distance, earning their wages at the feet of King Cotton.

Other than some confusion over pronouns and the need for a verb, it's a good line. It does a nice job of introducing the scene and creating the sort of hot, lazy mood you're going for. The third sentence in the paragraph is fine and doesn't need changing.

One more paragraph:

Time had abolished slavery; everyone knew that it would in the end. In the modern age of 1947 no one could conceive of such things as Slave auctions or unpaid laborers. Even the confederacy had let the system go to seed, but the States had not seen fit to do anything else with the laborers it had freed, and so they remained, unchanged but for pittances bestowed upon them now by their masters, though the name master would only be taken by the most bold.

I like the first sentence a lot; grammar trips you up again though because "everyone knew" should be "everyone had known" to stay consistent in verb form with the first half of the comparison. In the second sentence, you need a comma after "1947", and "Slave" shouldn't be capitalized unless you're really trying to bring the word out (are you? I don't know). Your third sentence is a run-on one which drags too much; it should become two separate ideas expressed in different sentences. A suggestion would be to put a period after "freed" and then start the next sentence "And so they remained,". You should also have "master" in quotation marks (the name "master" would...) and that whole phrase in parentheses: by their masters (though the name "master" would only be taken by the most bold.)


So you see, your ideas thmselves are quite good, it's the execution of them which needs some work. Be careful of grammar, and when proofreading your writing, always think "can I make this imagery more vivid/stand out more/etc?" You've got IDEAS, and that's always the most difficult part of writing. Once you get more practice with sentence structure and grammar, you'll be able to express your ideas more clearly and effectively to the reader. I picked apart these first three paragraphs to show the kind of fixes you can make everywhere; it's not that what you're writing is bad, it's just that you can make it clearer.

I think you have some real potential for writing, and I'm not just saying that to be friendly. This story is well-conceived, interesting, and easy to follow despite taking place in an alternate history. Your characters have realistic dialouge and show lifelike emotions. When you can work out some of the structural problems in your writing, it's going to be pretty darn good. Best of luck to you, and keep on writing! The more you do, the better you'll get. :goodjob:

Sullla

SKILORD
May 16, 2003, 03:23 PM
:lol:

Tell the editor of the literary mag it was cut from that. :lol: She said it was too hard to follow, made me write an introduction, and then dumped the whole thing.

But I know that my grammar is not.... perfect. I'm certaintly working on it. Latin, ironically, always helped my English Grammar until I quit the class, but I've taken up the banner of foreign language myself this summer and I hope that will herald a new dawn of grammatic finess. I'm frankly not sure Grammatic is a word.

poetic licenense.

I do beleive that the 'his' is a hallmark from an earlier epoch of the story, during which not eve I knew who the main character was to be, or what the plot would be. I see where it fails.

I like 'Stars and Bars' more as well, but it didn't seem to fit, and it was a compromise with my schoolmates (southernors who don't know exactly what the stars and bars are)

I could try to find the original, but I don't know if it'll turn up. But I can tell you this: Mopst of what was changed was not changed because of the editor, it was to smooth out the conflict (I added several paragraphs to help things along) with a few changes in the opening and other spots tosmooth it out.

Thanks for your help.