Q: What do the U.S. and Cuba have in common?

A: In the U.S. and Cuba, you can't buy anything with pesos.

-------------------------

An American, a Czech, and a Soviet agreed to meet. The Czech was late.

"Sorry for being so late," the Czech said, "I was waiting in line to buy some meat."

"What is a line?" the American asked.

"What is meat?" the Soviet asked.

-------------------------

Alexander the Great, Caeser, and Napoleon all met at a parade in Red Square.

"Wow! With those tanks, I would have been invincible!" said Alexander.

"Wow! With those airplanes, I would have conquered the whole world!" said Caeser.

"Wow! With the Pravda, the whole world, even now, would not have found out about Waterloo!" said Napoleon.

-------------------------

Q: How did the Soviet Union plan to land men on the Sun?

A: They'd go at night.

-------------------------

Q: What's the real ratio between the pound, the dollar, and the ruble?

A: A pound of rubles is worth a dollar.

-------------------------

A man one day goes out to buy some bread, and stands in line for two hours. After waiting for two hours, the store declares they are all out of bread. The man is furious and begins shouting about how terrible life under communism.

Some men approach him and say "comrade, you have spoken out of turn." The man curses at them and continues shouting. The men then tell the shouting man "we will be watching you."

An hour later the man returns home and his wife says to him "you've been gone three hours to get a loaf of bread, how come you didn't get it!?"

The man replies "you wouldn't believe it. Not only are they out of bread, they're out of bullets too."

-------------------------

Q: What does a Soviet optimist say?

A: It can't get any worse!

-------------------------

In a Soviet classroom, an elementary school teacher was talking about the greatness of Lenin. She asks the students "now, children, how many of you have portraits of Lenin on your walls?"

All of the children but one raise their hand.

The teacher asks again, "how many of you have portraits of Lenin on your walls?"

Again, all of the children but one raise their hand.

The teacher then asks the one child "how come you do not have a portrait of Lenin on your wall?"

The little boy replies "our family sleeps in the middle of the room."

-------------------------

Q: What is an exchange of opinions at a Communist Party meeting?

A: I come to the meeting with my opinions and leave with their's.

-------------------------

Under communism, every man has what he needs. That's why the butcher puts a sign up that says "nobody needs meat today."

-------------------------

A Soviet has saved up his money to buy a car. He goes down to the dealership and says to the salesman "I want that one!"

"The car will arrive in seven years." the salesman replies.

"Will it come in the morning or the afternoon?" the man asks.

"What difference does it make?" queries the salesman.

The man says back, "the plumber is coming in the morning."

-------------------------

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve.

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

-------------------------

Hope you enjoyed my compilation, and please:

* Feel free to add your own! *

Well, there's this exhange between me and luiz:
In my country I can go to the streets and scream "Down with Lula!". A chinese cannot do that.
And I replied:
Hey I can safely scream "Down with Lula!" here too. :lol:
I know, I know, very old joke, but I couldn't resist... :D

Q: What's better, Capitalist Hell or Communist Hell?

A: Communist Hell. In Capitalist Hell they soak you in oil and burn you alive, cut your fingers off with knives, and suffocate you with pillows. In Communist Hell they don't have oil, knives, or pillows.

---

A guest lecturer was giving a lecture about the ever-growing prosperity of the Soviet people.

In the back row Rabinovich put up his hand. "Comrade lecturer, what you say is very interesting, but if we're so prosperous, where has all the meat gone?"

The next day the guest lecturer was giving another lecture on the ever-growing prosperity of the Soviet people.

In the back row Haimovich puts up his hand. "Comrade lecturer, what you say is very interesting, and I don't care about the lack of meat, but where has Rabinovich gone?"

Shooting into a rotting corpse
Trying to burn ashes
Keep beating a boxer after he's already given up
Keep proving that a theory is wrong after everyone has recognized the fact that it is wrong
Making jokes about the Soviet Union twelve years after it fell

Move on.

There are still people who actually believe in that dreadful system, so these jokes are still plenty valid...although they could be better applied to other bastions of left-wingism.

EDIT: Delete post

although they could be better applied to other bastions of left-wingism.

I think it is in our mutual interest not to go into this further ;). But while we're at Communism-related political jokes, let me mention a popular (in my class) comparrison I've made in social studies class sometime this year. You won't find any real left- or right-wingism in it, it's a personal point of view which does not fit in prefixed political patterns:

To the US, Communist Cuba is like having a pitbull in their back yard. It's an old pitbull, it has not teeth or claws anymore, it's tired and starving and needs to be fed by others, but it's still a pitbull. The pure fact that it's a pitbull requires it to be shot.

Liked the one about the car! Good stuff :lol: :lol:

Q: Why could Brezhnev travel the world over, while Andropov had to be in a hospital all the time?
A: Andropov was plugged to the grid while Brezhnev was on batteries.

An American who found himself in Moscow asks a man carrying two suitcases what the time was.

"Certainly," says the Russian, setting the two bags on the ground and looking at his wrist. "It is 11:43 and 17 seconds. The date is February 13th, the moon is nearing it's full phase and atmospheric pressure stands at 992 hectopascals and is rising."

The visitor is dumbfounded and asks if the watch that provided him that information is Japanese. He is told that it is Soviet technology.

"That's fantastic!" the American says.

"Yes," the Russian answers, straining to pick up the two suitcases, "but these batteries are still a little heavy."

Here are a few

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.
"Stalin! what am I to do! The country has gone to govno, we are weak, and can't even rub out a few Chechen bandits while they are on the john! Help me please!!"
"Very well. You must do two things"
"Yes, yes!! Tell me!"
"You must execute the entire government and then paint the walls of the Kremlin blue."
"Why blue?"
"I had a feeling you'd want to discuss that one.."

Amazing news filters through to the Kremlin. Stalin is alive, and living in deepest Siberia. A team is sent out to find him, and coax him back to Moskva to take power.
They reach him, and begin their entreaties;
"Comrade Stalin, Russia needs you. We are down and weak; we need your strength, your wisdom and your iron will."
The aged Stalin leans back stroking his now white moustache, thinking.
"I'll do it, on one condition."
"What, comrade"
"No Mr. Nice Guy this time around."

It is said that in old times being accepted in the Soviet Communist Party was no easy matter, and it required passing hard exams and tests. There was one of these tests which was especially demanding and it was reserved to those young people who showed the promise to form the true cream of the party. It is said that, however, this special test was discontinued after it was passed by a young candidate named Iosef Dzugashvili. The test consisted in giving to the candidate a gun loaded with blanks (and, of course, the candidate did not know this, and believed the gun to fire real bullets). Then the candidate was told: ?Look, in that room there is an enemy of the people. Ask no questions, go in there and kill him or her?. As a further element of the test the examiners had placed in the room the candidate?s mother.
Of course, the majority of candidates refused to shoot their own mother and so did not pass the test. A few did manage to shoot the old lady, perhaps because they were truly ruthless or perhaps because they were smart enough to imagine that the gun would only fire blanks. But with the young Stalin things went a different way. The examiners heard several shots, then a tremendous noise. Then Stalin came out of the room holding the gun and sayng: ?Why the hell did you give me a gun that doesn?t work? I had to kill her using a chair!?

A group of political prisoners are meeting one day in a concentration camp, somewhere in Siberia. After a day of back-breaking work, they sit eating their thin potato soup, and hearing the icy wind blowing through the broken glass of the windows of their barrack. As they hug together to get a bit of warmth, they tell each other of how they ended there. They were trozkyists, revisionists, sicophants, or other enemies of the people. One of them, though, has a long story to tell.
?It was not because of politics. I was the head master of a school, a kindergarten, actually. Just that, I never got involved in politics, not at all. But one day I heard that Stalin in person was going to visit my school. So I started thinking very hard about what I could have done to impress him, and. I asked to the children if they had something that they would like to tell to comrade Stalin. So, there was this little girl, so nice, who said: ?Well, I would say this to comrade Stalin: my cat has just had a litter of five kittens and they all are good communists?. I was delighted of having such a promising young pupil and some days afterwards, when Stalin came, I hastened to introduce her to him. So the little girl came up and said aloud: ?Comrade Stalin, my cat had a litter of five kittens and they are all good liberal democrats?. As Stalin?s guards were dragging me out, I could still ask the girl a question: ?Why in the world did you say that? Hadn?t you said last time that the kittens were all good communists?? And she answered: ?Yes, but by now they have opened their eyes?.


Stalin is giving a speech at a meeting of the Communist party. As he speaks, someone in the audience sneezes loudly. Stalin stops speaking and says ?Who did it??. Nobody answers, and Stalin says again, louder, ?WHO DID IT!?. Again nobody dares to speak, so Stalin orders to the guards to take out of the room the first row of listeners and shoot them. After the noise of the shots is heard, Stalin says again: ?Well, who did it??. Again, no answer. So Stalin orders the guards to take out of the room a second row of people and to shoot them outside. After that, when Stalin asks again his question, a man from one of the back rows rises up and says: ? Well, I am sorry comrade Stalin, I did it?. Stalin looks at him and says: ?Ah, yes comrade, bless you.?

In a Soviet pre-school, the teacher describes the Soviet Union to the children: "In the Soviet Union all kids are happy. In the Soviet Union all kids have lots of beautiful toys and live in great apartments..." Suddenly one child starts to cry and scream: "I want to go to the Soviet Union!"


A delegation from his native Georgia leaves Stalin's office after an hourly meeting. Stalin realizes that he cannot find his pipe and calls Dhzierhzynsky to find out if anyone from the delegation took his pipe. After 30 minutes Stalin finds the pipe under the table and calls Dzherzynsky to let the delegation go. Dzherzynsky answers Stalin's call: "I am sorry Comrade, but one half of the delegation already admitted that they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning."

A person comes to a post office and complains: "These new stamps with Lenin do not stick..." The clerk answers: "Comrade, you probably spit on the wrong side."

Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.

"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"

"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."

"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"

"No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."

Churchill and Stalin met at the Yalta Conference, they discussed their hobbies.
Churchill told Stalin that he collected jokes people told about him.
Stalin said he collected people who told jokes about him.

Stalin and his foreign secretary, Molotov, have made a goodwill
visit to the DDR, and are returning to Moscow on the night train.
It's pitch dark. After an hour or so, Stalin says,
"I wonder where we are now?"
Molotov opens the window, put his hand outside for a second,
and says "Still in the DDR, Comrade Stalin."
Stalin is impressed, but says nothing, for fear of looking dumb.

A couple of hours later, Stalin says, "I guess we must be in
Russia by now." Molotov puts his hand outside the window again
and says, "No, Comrade Stalin, we're only in Poland."
Again Stalin is impressed but keeps quiet.

Finally after several more hours, Molotov puts his hand outside
the window and says, "Now we're in the USSR."

This time Stalin cannot contain his curiosity, and demands to know
how Molotov can find his way in the dark.
After a bit of hesitation, Molotov replies,

"Well, to tell the truth, Josef Vissarionovich,
the first time I put my hand outside, somebody kissed it, so I knew we were still in the DDR.
The second time, somebody spat on it, so I knew we were still in Poland The third time, somebody stole my watch, so I knew we were in the Soviet Union..."

A teacher asks:
- Vovochka, who is your father?
- Comrade Stalin.
- Well, who is your mother?
- Our Soviet motherland.
- And what do you want to be?
- An orphan....

Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev on a train

The three of them were on a train cruising across the Trans-Siberian railroad. The train comes to a hill and starts to decelerate until it comes to a complete stop. The three men resolve to get the train going again. Each of them proposes a solution.

STALIN: Kill the driver!

KHRUSHCHEV: No, we must not kill the driver. Instead, we must convince the driver that, for the good of the Party and the homeland, he must fix the train and motivate him to do so.

BREZHNEV: I have a better solution. Why not simply pull the curtain and pretend that we are still moving?

Im surprised nobody mentioned this one yet...its the most famous soviet russia joke..

In America, you can always find party...
but in soviet russia..
PARTY FINDS YOU!!

A cheap ripoff of a Yakov Smirnoff joke isn't what this thread needs.

In Soviet Russia, hamburgers eats you.
In Soviet Russia, movie watches you.
In Soviet Russia, repairmen...don't show up for ten years.

A Party official and a scientist are having a discussion...

Official: Comrade scientist, I hear you have invented a new computer. What does it do?

Scientist: It calculates how long things take to complete, mature, or finish, Comrade Party official.

Official: Well, Comrade scientist, I would like to test your computer. Ask it how long it will be before we fulfill the true Communist ideal of utopia.

The scientist goes over to the computer, punches in a few figures, and waits. The computer gyrates, then displays its answer on the screen.

Scientist: "16,804 kilometers."

Official: WHAT? That can't be right! That is a figure of distance, not time!

Scientist: It MUST be right, Comrade Party official! I programmed by Comrade Lenin's words: "Every 5-Year Plan is a step towards utopia"!

A cheap ripoff of a Yakov Smirnoff joke isn't what this thread needs.

In Soviet Russia, hamburgers eats you.
In Soviet Russia, movie watches you.
In Soviet Russia, repairmen...don't show up for ten years.

that wasnt a ripoff...that was the actual joke where the ripoffs come from.

if you're interested in a good laugh, prehaps "another where's the repairman joke isnt what this thread needs" might be more up your alley.

Gumption County? Good Luck! :goodjob:

Don't want to get OT, so here's a joke:

Brezhnev was being shown around hell. Demon said to him, "choose yourself a torment." They pass sinners sizzling in giant frying pans. "What about that one?" asks the demon. "Nu nu no. . ." says Brezhnev, trembling. "Not that one." They go on and see sinners being beaten with burning brands. "What about that?" ask the demons. "Nu nu no. . ." says Brezhnev, trembling. "Not that." They go further and suddenly they see Krushchev in bed with Brigitte Bardot. Brezhnev says "That's the one I want," Demon laughs; "That's Brigitte Bardot's torment."

In Soviet Russia, hamburgers eats you.
In Soviet Russia, movie watches you.
In Soviet Russia, repairmen...don't show up for ten years.

I don't get how that it funny, sorry. Okay, repairment don't show up for a long time, fine, but there are better ways to make it a joke.

The rest are hilarious though :rotfl:!

Brezhnev. ;)

Gumption County? Good Luck! :goodjob:


Have I found another GLer in CFC's ranks?

Here's an old joke from a Soviet comedian who emigrated from the USSR to the US.

"In Soviet Russia, I had to wait three hours for a piece of meat and a stale bun. Here, I get it like that!".

I don't think that last few words are what he actually said, because I haven't heard the joke in a couple years.

Not sure if I can boast GL'er status. Just finished college and my CI is only 15. On the plus side I didn't take 6 years to get a 4 year degree.

I can't tell jokes, especially in English, but I'll try:

In Soviet Union there were only two newspapers: Pravda and Izviestia. Pravda means 'truth', and Izviestia means 'news'. The Russians used to say that there is no pravda in Izviestia and there are no izviestia in Pravda.

-----

60s. Two Poles are talking:
-Have you heard that Russians flew into space?
-All of them?
-No, only one.
-Pity.

-----

Siberia. One of the comrades just came back from Moscow. Others are asking him:
-What have you learned in Moscow?
-Three things:
One: Marks and Engels were two different people.
Two: Communism serves man.
Three: I saw that man.

-----

Bush and Putin wake up after 100 years of hibernation. Putin opens a newspaper and reads:
-There is communism in America.
Bush opens a newspaper and reads:
-There was an incident on a Polish-Chinese border.

Here are a few...

Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.

"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"

"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."

"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"

"No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."

I thought Lenin denounced Stalin before his death.

Well, it's not funny if he did ;).

In Soviet Union there were only two newspapers: Pravda and Izviestia. Pravda means 'truth', and Izviestia means 'news'. The Russians used to say that there is no pravda in Izviestia and there are no izviestia in Pravda.

A variant on that one says simple "No truth in Pravda, no news in Izvestia".

The late President Reagan once told one like this at a press conference:

A man is walks down the street one night and passes a Soviet guard.
The guard asks his, "Hey! Where are you going?!"
"Home" replies the man.
The guard says, "You realize there is a curfew here."
The man looks scared and starts to run away so the guard levels his rifle and shoots him dead.
Another man witnesses this and says to the guard, "Curfew doesn't begin for another 15 minutes. Why did you shoot him?"
The guard replies, "That man was a friend of mine and I know where he lives. He never would have made it."

@Pirate
Hahahahaha... :lol: :(
Now THAT is black humor of the darkest variety. :evil:

Never underestimate the speed of people that are slow...

Really. As in actually that is true. As in not really having to do with anything. Just a statement.

"Never would have made it" means they will...

ok this isnt a soviet joke but its got russians

ok a russian, american, jamacian, and a mexiacan all are on a life boat so the russian pulls out a bottle of vodka and takes a drink throws it off, americans says "what the hell that was good" russian says "in russia we have enough vodka to throw away" then the jamacian pulls out a bag of weed rolls a joint and smokes a little throws the rest off, once again the american says what the hell, the jamican says in jamica we have so much weed we can throw it away, little while later the american throws the mexican off, the russian and jamaican says why you do that, american replies in america we have so many mexicans we can throw um away




most likely you have heard that but some may not have

All these jokes are great, especially the one aboutt he kindergarten teacher and the girl's kittens.

My friend Tim told me these and I love them:


Q: What does the communist cat say?
A: Mao.

Q: What's a Russian boxer's favorite move?
A: The communist block.

Q: How does a communist keep his bedroom dark?
A: With an iron curtain.

And now one I heard on Colbert:

Q: What does a communist put on his spaghetti?
A: Communist mani-pesto.

Q: What do you call a communist in a hurry?
A: Rushin' (Russian)

Q: What do you call a lazy communist?
A: Stallin' (Stalin)

What do Soviet Ideology and President Truman have in common?

No class

(from I Am America (And So Can You!))

My friend Tim told me these and I love them:


Q: What does the communist cat say?
A: Mao.

Q: What's a Russian boxer's favorite move?
A: The communist block.

Q: How does a communist keep his bedroom dark?
A: With an iron curtain.

And now one I heard on Colbert:

Q: What does a communist put on his spaghetti?
A: Communist mani-pesto.

It's "What does Karl Marx put on his pasta."

;)

Continually, this thread has already been made. It's called "Trotsky walks into a bar..."

:lol: Ummmm.... this thread is a few years older than the other! This one's from 2004....

Thats a pretty big bump dragonfly!:bump:

Very big bump... lets keep all the jokes in this thread (http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=278143).