Caesar's New(b) Empire

Settings are Fractal, Monarch, Standard size, Normal speed. Huts and Events are on.



Julius walked out of his shaggy tent (conveniently made out of horse pelt, to keep out the scary monsters that lurk in the dark). Before him was a group of people, all carrying a sack. They were ready to found their first city.

Julius: Okay, people, you know the drill...
Old Man: We do?
Julius: How many times have we started a new game?
Baby: Kwee stawted won gaem. Deesh won!
Julius: I forgot, you aren't immortal. Shame on you! Hurry up and found the city (make sure the tents are horse pelt so we don't get eaten by scary monsters that lurk in the dark) before I throw dirt at you!
Everyone: Yes master!

(one year later)

Everyone: We finished building our city, sir!
Julius looks at the city.
Julius: CAN YOU FOLLOW DIRECTIONS? I WANTE-
Baby: Yesh, mastah, we beilt a citeee!
Julius: Shut up. As I was sayi-
Baby: WAAAAAAAAH!
Julius: Stuff that baby in a house...
Julius: ...the houses you made out of COW PAT!!!!! What about the horse pelt, eh?
Everyone (but the baby): oooooooh... bummer.
Julius: Whatever! Dont cry to me if you get eaten by scary monsters that lurk in the dark! Let me see our starting posistion.

Baby: Oooowie... Shimy pwetty big commercey hillzies!
Julius: Stop speaking baby, baby.
Anyway, you guys can build rakes and stuff, right? Me want to mine hills that shine sparkles.

Julius: Grassy-lands that shine sparkles? Do want!
Man: Er... With all of those gems... don't you think we're in a jungle?
Julius: Duh. The map says so.
Julius: Either way, you're my new advisor.
Man: Me? Why?
Julius: Because I felt like it! What the heck is your name, anyway?
Man: BarbarianArcher.
Julius: You be the half-god military advisor.
BarbarianArcher: What does THAT have to do with cartography?
Julius: Cartography is for losers. You're an archer.
Archer: FIGURES.

The citizens named the first Roman city "Rome". Bummer, I wanted Praetorianville.

While I enjoy a cup of cow-meat coffee, someone bursts in to my lovely horse-pelt hut.

Girl: We have a warrior! What do you want to do with it, sir?
Julius:
Girl: Uh...
Julius:
Girl: You know what a warrior is, right?
Julius:
Julius: I only know of axes and praetorians.
Girl: What are those?
Julius: Whatever. You were saying?
Girl: Should I just... Make the warrior explore?
Julius: You aren't an advisor. You don't have the authority.
Girl: Dang.
Julius: Welcome, new advisor! Tell those warriors to... uh...
Julius: What does "explore" mean?
Girl: Whatever.
The girl runs away as fast as she can.
Julius: Come back here! I still dont know your name!

-To be continued.-

The first post just left me laughing.

Several hundred years later...

Baby: Wee finished dat wowsy worker!
Julius: How long did it take you?
Baby: I kant kount.
Julius.
Julius: Either way, your the new production advisor. From now on, you are immortal.
Baby: Yay!
Julius: WOW! MAGICAL! You suddenly got grammar!
Baby: Whatever. Go play with your workers now, Caesar.

-Enter Girl
Girl: Caesar! We found another Civilization!
Justinian: Welcome, Julius! May the heavens bless you as you deserve to be blessed!
Julius: I'm gonna need a loooooooot of blessing.
Justin: So, wanna buy my spaghetti?
Julius: What does spaghetti have to do with anything?
Justin: You eat it, I soak up all your gems.
Julius: Thanks for telling me, but I only buy my spaghetti at...
Justin: Or else I declare WAR!
Julius: Fine! I will... uh... mail the money to you. Give me that spaghetti.
Justin: Jolly good! *throws mass of spaghetti in Julius's face*
Justin runs away.
Julius wipes spaghetti off his face.
Julius: Research Gunpowder. Or whatever makes things explode.
Baby: First of all, we don't have a technology advisor.
Baby: Second of all, WE DON'T EVEN HAVE BRONZE WORKING.
Julius: I claim myself the tech advisor. And we'll research Animal Husbandry, so we can get cows and build more cow pat houses.
Baby: I thought you hated cow pat houses?
Julius: I need to keep out the scary monsters that lurk in freaky crown things.
Everyone but Julius:
Julius: I'm serious.

You met Justinian. Aaaaaargh! The rapper image is coming back!

While that happens, I'll make sure to follow this comedy