The lamest jokes you can think of....... II

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Hahaha!
 
woody allen once asked a woman if she would have sex with him. his daughter said "yes".
 
I have a fantastic memory. It has been likened to that of a Terrapin. Turtle recall.

I'm trying to build up the courage today to tell my pets they are adopted

A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed. I tried it once, goldfish died...

Two Dutch people are in a field on a cold winter night. One of them says to the other, "I don't know about you but I'm frisian".

I've just dropped my cat in an ice cream maker. Who wants a McFluffy?

I've Just found out that my dog can talk, I said "what's that tree made out of boy?" "Bark!" He yelped.

I bought a chameleon from the pet shop the other day I haven't seen it since

Bought an Ant farm, don't know where I'm going to get tractors that small.
 
It's an old people joke.



79’s just there, four doors away,
And my calendar’s empty all of today;
So with my wife beater Tee over 4 liter abs,
Nothing to lose, I’ll take a stab;
After a knock and a pretty long wait,
The door was flung open and I was set straight:
A ravishing beauty in a tight fitting top,
Whose breasts were still perky without any flop,
Her sensuous hips were slightly askew,
And the G-string she wore had a tag that said “new”;
Her voice was sexy and an octave too low,
But the words on her lips were luscious and slow:
They touched my cheek with tender caress
Oh my I was stimulated, I must confess;
Her hand was extended, her eyes looked sincere,
Certainly here, there was nothing to fear;
She drew me in and then shut the door,
What passed for her top dropped to the floor;
So what more can I say about old 79?
To post the details would be out of line;
This forum has rules we all must obey,
So fill in the blanks, you’ve got my OK.

:D


Link to video.
(If you don't live in New York City, you'll have no idea what the lyrics are about).

It's going to take a little time
While you're waiting like a factory line
I'll ride across the park
Backseat on the 79

Wasted days you've come to pass

So go I know you would not stay
It wasn't true, but anyway
Pollination yellow cab

You walk up the stairs
See the French kids by the door
Up one more flight
See the buddha on the second floor

Coronation rickshaw grab

So go, I know you would not stay
It wasn't true, but anyway
Racist dreams you should not have

No excuse to be so callous
Dress yourself in bleeding madras
Charm your way across the Khyber Pass

Stay awake to break the habit
Sing in praise of Jackson Crowther
Watch your step along the arch of glass

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/v/vampire_weekend/
 
Reminds me of a joke that someone used to say at school lots.

Why did Larry fall off the swing?

Because Larry was a cucumber!

Also, a terrible one by yours truly,

What do you get when you take the S out of Shop? Hop.
 
I was disgusted in Amsterdam, when I saw a sign advertising 'duck sex'. Then I got knocked out by two people having sex on a swing.

Apparently Burger King have been sued for having rabbit meat in some of their food. They probably should rename their burger the Big Hopper.

I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Somebody is going to be wrong.

Superglue's secret identity is...glue!

I'm about to do something I should have done along time ago...I hate constipation.

My friend stole some stuff from the back of a lorry today. I don't know what he's going to do with two huge doors and a number plate.

I was at a warehouse today. It's just like a normal house, only it grows fangs and bites people on a full moon.

Is a centipede not just an inchworm that has switched to the metric system?

50 Shades of Grey has, in the last year,officially out-sold the Highway Code. Of course, this means there's gonna be a lot more people being rear-ended now.
 
once upon a time the amurikan guv'nerment called chavez a tyrant for funding shady oil-rich middle-eastern countries with awful human rights records.
 
once upon a time the amurikan guv'nerment called chavez a tyrant for funding shady oil-rich middle-eastern countries with awful human rights records.

Yemen they actually did that? Oman, that has got to be the funniest thing I've ever heard! Well other than the time where Iran in a race against my friends Jordan and Aden, but Uyunid to have been there.

Anyway, does anyone know how to divide a Turkey? I need to Qatar it.
 
a horse walked into a bar, and the barman asked "why the long face?". later that night, his boss signed him up for a racial sensivity class.
 
a horse walked into a bar, and the barman asked "why the long face?". later that night, his boss signed him up for a racial sensivity class.

You're doing it wrong, it's actually:

A horse walked into a bar, and the barman asked "Why the long face?" The horse replied "My wife's got cancer and she's going to die!"

:lol:
 
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