A Comprehensive and Mostly Truthful History of Holy Rome

125AD​

A major meeting is announced – by the King
CHARLEMAGNE: First, I just wanted to inform you lads about the Empire’s newest city, Ulm!
ADVISORS: Another bloody city?
CHARLEMAGNE: Man, are you guys miserable bastards! Look on the bright side of life, why don’t you?
HANS: The way this game is going, there isn’t going to be one for much longer.
CHARLEMAGNE: There’s always a bright side of life, Hans.
HANS: No, I meant we aren’t going to be alive much longer. Ragnar has raced away again in the Powergraph. A minor bugger, but one we can’t ignore.
CHARLEMAGNE: Talking about the bright side of life, it’s Progress Review Time!
JOHANN: Great. I’ll go first then.
CHARLEMAGNE: I hope you weren’t going to do it WITHOUT MY ORDERS?
JOHANN: No sire, I was just . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: Enough. Talk.
JOHANN: Well, after the genius stroke that was the founding of Ulm, it looks like the continent is full. By which I mean, that there is no more room for either side to expand.
HANS: Your Highness, our military must build up now, or never.
CHARLEMAGNE: SHUT UP, Hans! Let’s have a look at the map of our kingdom then Johann.

CHARLEMAGNE: WOW! I’ve done a mega job founding all these cities. The Empire looks great!
OTTO: Yes, well, on the economical side of things, the cities were more heinous than genius. Research is at 60%.
CHARLEMAGNE: Looks like someone needs sacking then.
OTTO: Erm . . . of course, I plan to rectify this by building Rathauses to reduce maintenance.
CHARLEMAGNE: YOU plan?
OTTO: Erm . . . by that of course I meant that the idea was all your work sire.
CHARLEMAGNE: Oh. Fair play to me, I say. Hans?
HANS: The military is still relatively weak, but not as weak as it was by any stretch of the imagination.
CHARLEMAGNE: Good, as apparently the soothsayers predict war in about . . . 40 turns from now.
HANS: Crap!
CHARLEMAGNE: Oh, we’ll be ready. Don’t forget, you have got a brilliant King.
HANS: How could we forget, sire?
CHARLEMAGNE: I dunno, but you keep seeming to. Slick?
SLICK: With two holy cities and the Oracle under your belt, not to mention all the libraries that were built and that the Pyramids and The Great Lighthouse are being planned, the Holy Roman Empire is set culturally dude!
CHARLEMAGNE: Good. In that case, meeting over, boys.

325AD​

Slick calls a meeting
CHARLEMAGNE: Make it quick, Slick.
SLICK: A bit of poetry there, dude, with the rhyming and everything. Anyway, seeing as we haven’t had a meeting in 200 years, I thought it’d be cool to . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: You had BETTER be JOKING!
SLICK: As a matter of fact, I was. Lookee here.

CHARLEMAGNE: Oh yeah! I like.
SLICK: Glad you do, dude.
CHARLEMAGNE: Well?
SLICK: Well what, dude?
CHARLEMAGNE: That better not be IT?
SLICK: In that case, no, it isn’t. Since our last meeting, we also finished research on Mathematics and Alphabet, and have started Construction. And Christ was finally born, circa 250AD.
HANS: And we have reports of our Axemen slaughtering Barbarian Warriors from near Augsburg, sire.
CHARLEMAGNE: Oh yeah. How’s the military going?
HANS: Not bad, but I don’t think we should rush into war just yet.
CHARLEMAGNE: Without doubt, you are the biggest . .. .. .. .. . of an army general I have ever met! Don’t rush into this war! We’ve been waiting for almost FOUR AND A HALF THOUSAND YEARS for you to get your army into shape!
HANS: And it will be ready, sire. Just give me a little more time.
CHARLEMAGNE: How about a few hundred years?
HANS: Should be fine, sire.
CHARLEMAGNE: Finally. I WANT WAR!

450AD​

A general meeting of the council is in session
SLICK: Dude, the citizens of Aachen are refusing to work! Apparently the conditions are too crowded for their liking.
CHARLEMAGNE: Oh great. And you know what the best part is? I can’t really find one of you guys to blame this time. Seems as though none of you have this responsibility.
SLICK: Well, I have a suggestion, dude.
CHARLEMAGNE: Go on, then.
SLICK: Weeeeell, if we were to build a Buddhist Temple, the citizens would start partying again for sure!
CHARLEMAGNE: Not a bad idea. Let’s delay it a few years, though, then I can pretend it was my idea. We need more Catapults at the moment anyway.
HANS: Ah yes. Construction did prove to be a major military breakthrough.
CHARLEMAGNE: Let’s just hope you don’t majorly cock-up the coming war.

700AD​

Otto calls the council together
OTTO: A few things, sire.
CHARLEMAGNE: They had better be few.
OTTO: First, I am pleased that research has gone back up to 70%, and with Horseback Riding complete and Currency almost done, the economy has a bright future.
CHARLEMAGNE: Good! All down to me again, I expect.
OTTO: Whatever. And next, some bad news.
CHARLEMAGNE: La-la-la, NOT LISTENING!
OTTO: If you please, sire . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: NOT LISTENING!
OTTO: The citizens of Mainz and Ulm are dying due to . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: CAN’T HEAR YOU!
OTTO: malaria from the surrounding jungles . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: YOU’RE WASTING YOUR TIME!
OTTO: and Vienna was captured this morning, sire.
CHARLEMAGNE: WHAT! And you waited until now to tell me?
OTTO: I didn’t think you were listening sire.
CHARLEMAGNE: Don’t be such a bloody fool, Otto. What gave you that idea?
OTTO: Anyway, you must have misheard, sire. I said, And many have, erm, relapsed since this morning, sire.
CHARLEMAGNE: Oh. Well why would I care about that? Meeting over, boys.

820AD​

Slick has a word with the KingSLICK: The great Prophet, Chuang-Tzu, has been born in Aachen, dude.
CHARLEMAGNE: And?
SLICK: And I think he should build the Dai Miao in Augsburg.
CHARLEMAGNE: What? No way am I wasting him on a silly Confucian building.
SLICK: But dude, you don’t understand . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: BAD move, Slick. Really bad move.
SLICK: It benefits the economy too, dude.
CHARLEMAGNE: Big whoop.
SLICK: (lies) And, erm . . . it helps build the military faster there too.
CHARLEMAGNE: Really? OK, I think we should go for it. Did you know, I found out that Raggers has iron after all this morning! Saw some of his swordsmen near our borders. Well annoying. Oh well, build the Dai Miao, then.
SLICK: As you wish, dude.

960AD​

A meeting is called to discuss a letter from Ragnar
CHARLEMAGNE: This letter is addressed to Charlemagne the Prize Idiot, Puny City of Aachen, Pathetic Kingdom of Holy Rome. I think he made a mistake though and meant to write it to me, so I’ll open it, shall I?
JOHANN: I think so, sire.
CHARLEMAGNE: Well I thought so FIRST, so bugger off. Not literally, mind. Anyway, the letter says:
Charlemagne,
A friend in need is a friend indeed, don’t you think? Help out your friends here at Vikings by giving us Alphabet, and in return you can have the pleasure of our continued friendship.
Yours sarcastically,
Ragnar Lodbrok (King of Vikings)
HANS: Frankly, a crap deal if ever I saw one.
CHARLEMAGNE: And we don’t need his bloody friendship any more, since the military is almost ready.
JOHANN: Therefore, it is unanimous; Ragnar can go home empty-handed?
CHARLEMAGNE: WAIT A SECOND, Johann. It’s got to pass through Parliament first for the real decision. Of course we all support it, but who knows what will crop up there?
HANS: I think I could make a pretty good guess.

980AD​

A meeting of the council begins
HANS: Good news my lord. It seems as though we have finished research on Feudalism.
CHARLEMAGNE: AHA! The last piece of the jigsaw falls into place as the bigger picture is finally unveiled. Time to put those Vikings in their place.
HANS: Also, my lord, it seems you should here adopt Serfdom.
CHARLEMAGNE: Does that give me more power?
HANS: Kind of, yes. It makes the people your serfs.
OTTO: Surprising really. I recommend Serfdom.
CHARLEMAGNE: You know, guys, I’ve noticed something. Whenever I adopt a new civic, I always get to go looting. I bet you lads had never noticed that.
JOHANN: Actually, we had, sire.
CHARLEMAGNE: See, there you go lying again. It doesn’t suit you to lie, Johann, and anyway, I can see right through it.
JOHANN: Logged, sire. Do Not Lie.
CHARLEMAGNE: Good. Anyway, boys, it seems as though we are advancing to the Medieval Era, so that means I don’t have to see you losers until the next part. In fact, that’s also bad news for you lads, as you don’t get the benefit of my unquestionable wisdom ‘til then either.
HANS: However will we cope, sire?
CHARLEMAGNE: I don’t bloody well know, but make sure you do, OK? I need you to lead the army in the next Chapter, when I declare war on Ragnar. Providing he doesn’t declare war first . . .
To be continued . . .

Sorry about the lack of screenshots - can't seem to be able to upload them at the moment. I'll try again a bit later.

oh yeah - the announcement - uploads disabled - whoops

OK . . . When I came back to the game to write the nxt installment, it gave me a message : Load Error - failed to uncompress game data

If anyone could tell me what this means and how to fix it, I would be very grateful . . .

otherwise, I'm afraid this story will have to be discontinued. However, if you enjoyed reading it, I have started a new one as the Egyptians at the below link:

18 Civs: The Egyptian Version