A Comprehensive and Mostly Truthful History of Holy Rome

1600BC​

The second Settler unit leaves with an archer
CHARLEMAGNE: Map, Johann.
CHARLEMAGNE: The results from the Parliament poll for the naming of the new city are here.
JOHANN: Ooh, I wonder who won.
CHARLEMAGNE: In second place . . .
JOHANN: Out of two.
CHARLEMAGNE: . . . is Johannesburg!
JOHANN: Surprise, surprise.
CHARLEMAGNE: That means that in first place is my choice, Vienna. Which just goes to show that my name yet again is better than yours.
HANS: Actually, I think Johannesburg would be quite a good name.
SLICK: I prefer Slick City.
CHARLEMAGNE: SHUT UP! To be fair, it’s just as well that you boys aren’t in charge of this Empire. You’d make a proper hash of it.
SLICK: Never mind . . . At least you consented to building the Oracle in Aachen instead of that poxy Archer.
HANS: (splutters) What? Is that true?
CHARLEMAGNE: Yup. And guess what? You ain’t stopping me. ARE YOU?

Johann calls a meeting of the council
CHARLEMAGNE: Johann, I understand that this was your bloody idea?
JOHANN: I’m afraid so.
CHARLEMAGNE: You’d better be afraid. A wise king rules with fear.
HANS: And what do you rule with, then sire?
CHARLEMAGNE: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, being the generous guy I am.
JOHANN: Guys! If we could get back to the point.
CHARLEMAGNE: About bloody time.
JOHANN: Firstly . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: THAT doesn’t bode well for this being over by lunch.
JOHANN: Firstly, the city of Vienna was founded today, four leagues to the north.
HANS: And started work on an Archer, on orders from me.
CHARLEMAGNE: WHAT?
HANS: Erm . . . started work on an Archer, on orders from my King.
CHARLEMAGNE: Oh. OK, go on, it sounds alright so far.
OTTO: In recent weeks, we have also researched Priesthood, Animal Husbandry and Fishing.
CHARLEMAGNE: All good. But there is more?
JOHANN: Well, I thought it would be nice to provide the totem pole of all the Civs’ scores at this point.
SLICK: ALL the Civs? Dude, we’re stuck on a continent with Ragnar.
JOHANN: Exactly. Which makes this table rather flattering:
205 – Holy Roman Empire
180 – Viking Empire
CHARLEMAGNE: Good stuff, lads. I can see that I’ve done the Empire proud. Ragnar will have some problem gloating over this.
JOHANN: But sire, surely we have assisted you . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: WHAT? YOU wish to replace ME?
JOHANN: Well, no sire, but . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: Then you think my decisions have been poor?
JOHANN: Erm . . . no sire.
CHARLEMAGNE: Then WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT?
HANS: I think he’s crazy sire.
CHARLEMAGNE: I think you must be right.

1240BC​

Slick calls the council together
SLICK: Excellent news, dudes! We have completed our first Wonder of the World! Although we forgot to take a screenshot.
CHARLEMAGNE: The Oracle is finished? About bloody time.
SLICK: Not only is it finished, dude, but it’s culture is totally rocking! And I haven’t even got to the free tech part yet. We just discovered Sailing, so it can’t be that, and we’re already half-way through research of Writing, so dude, don’t choose that either. In fact, I’d recommend either Monarchy or Bronze Working, with a slight lean towards Monarchy.
HANS: With all due respect sire, it’s about bloody time we discovered Bronze. Ragnar will truly hack us to pieces if we neglect it any further.
CHARLEMAGNE: True! Let’s go for that.
JOHANN: But sire, Monarchy will allow Hereditary Rule, which gives you more power, and . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: Me? More power? Sounds like a winner lads.
HANS: But . . .
JOHANN: And, the new civic will mean more looting.
CHARLEMAGNE: SCORE! Monarchy it is.
SLICK: I had a feeling you’d go for that dude, and it also means we have entered the Classical Age. The end of an era is upon us.
CHARLEMAGNE: Shut UP with the poetic crap, Slick. Anyway, that’s meeting over, boys. And I have a feeling it’s the end of a chapter, too . . .
To be continued . . .

Keep it up - good for a lot of laughs.

With Flouzemaker absent, it's great to have a story like this. Really funny.

I like how much of a jerk Chuck is...

Have just read Gilgamesh's court - absolutely awesome!

Next part is coming soon.

THE CLASSICAL AGE​

1080BC
A meeting of the council is called to discuss many things
CHARLEMAGNE: Right, lads, it’s about time we got going.
JOHANN: Firstly, I just wanted to say that this new Classical councilroom is a vast improvement on the old shabby Ancient one.
CHARLEMAGNE: WHAT? Are you calling my palace SHABBY? And ANCIENT?
SLICK: Dude, I actually think it was a complement.
CHARLMAGNE: Whatever. Now SHUT UP and get on with the MEETING! Some people have better stuff to do than sit here listening to you four losers.
HANS: OK. Sire, we just finished research of Writing, and I really think that we need Bronze Working sooner than later to defend ourselves against the Vikings.
CHARLEMAGNE: DEFEND ourselves? I mean to ATTACK! I will not rest until this entire continent is under a Holy Roman banner! I wouldn’t trust Ragnar as far as I can throw him!
HANS: In that case, it might be wise to build more military units than cities, rather than the other way around.
CHARLEMAGNE: I see your point, I suppose. Now what do you plan on doing?
HANS: I think that our research needs to switch to Bronze Working, and after that, Iron Working. The blade is more adept in attack than the bow.
CHARLEMAGNE: Fine. Do that then. Is that all?
OTTO: Actually, now you mention it, me and Barney Cudgel were down the lake fishing when . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: SHUT . . . UP!!!

1040BC​

Slick speaks with the King
SLICK: The Vikings have converted to Buddhism, dude, and that represents a slight positive turn in our rel . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: BUGGER relations, Slick! What do RELATIONS matter in an arms race?
SLICK: Not much, dude, but seeing as we are way to weak to contest an arms race, I thought . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: You thought wrong, as usual. This IS an arms race.
SLICK: Between a hare and a tortoise, dude.

925BC​

Hans calls a meeting of the council
HANS: Sire, Bronze Working has been mastered.
CHARLEMAGNE: HA! Now Ragnar will witness the full force of the Holy Roman EMPIRE!!!
HANS: I sure he’s terrified, sire. In the meantime, shall we research Iron Working?
CHARLEMAGNE: YES! That will rub salt into his wounds!
SLICK: If I might speak, dude, it would be way cooler to research Polytheism, so we can . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: Bugger the religious stuff now, Slick. Temples are about as much use in a war as a chocolate teapot. Meeting over, boys.

800BC​

A meeting called by the King provokes curiousity among the advisors
SLICK: Dude, it can’t be time for progress review already?
CHARLEMAGNE: Nope, I just wanted let you lads know I founded Nuremburg this morning. Not a bad morning’s work, eh?
OTTO: You fool! What a stupid idea! Our economy is going down the drain! We won’t be able to keep our current research levels up high if you go around building cities without consulting me first!
CHARLEMAGNE: HA! What do I care for YOUR advice? More cities equal more production, and I plan three more cities in the near future so IN YOUR FACE!
HANS: With respect, sire . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: Don’t wanna hear it, with respect or otherwise. Meeting over, boys.

775BC​

King Ragnar visits Charlemagne on business
CHARLEMAGNE: Alright there Raggy? If so, make the most of it before I crush you.
RAGNAR: You couldn’t crush a grape, Charlemagne. I hear you still have more cities than military units?
CHARLEMAGNE: HAH! NO! Actually, we have equal numbers now so there.
RAGNAR: Oh really? Thanks for telling me that you’re still pathetic.
CHARLMAGNE: Oh bugger. Listen here you swine, what do you want?
RAGNAR: A little Open Borders Treaty which I happen to have in my pocket needs your signature.
CHARLEMAGNE: Open Borders? Do I really want you pissing around in my lands all the time?
RAGNAR: Surely such a formidable leader would pay no attention to a few humble Viking Scouts?
CHARLEMAGNE: Oh. Yeah, I suppose so. Consider it signed, then.
RAGNAR: Thank you very much. Oh yeah, and what do I care for your pathetic Bronze Working? I’ve had Iron Working for ages.
CHARLEMAGNE: I don’t see any Iron in your borders.
RAGNAR: That’s because you haven’t researched it yet.
CHARLEMAGNE: Just bugger off, Ragnar.
RAGNAR: (laughs) See you later, Charlemagne.

700BC​

A meeting of the council is underway
CHARLEMAGNE: Guess what lads? Holy Romans now has a navy!
HANS: This is the only country where one Galley would constitute a navy.
CHARLEMAGNE: Oh SHUT UP, Hans! Anyway, I ordered it to explore for new islands and stuff.
JOHANN: A wise decision, sire.
CHARLEMAGNE: I’m full of them, lads. Not that I like to boast, but my IQ is probably bigger than all four of yours added together.
(Charlemagne leaves the room)
HANS: Depends on whether he’s talking about Intelligence Quotient or Idiot Quotient really.

575BC​

An emergency council meeting is announced
CHARLEMAGNE: Right Hans, make it good.
HANS: It appears that we have a chance to get back at the Vikings without having to declare war.
CHARLEMAGNE: I will admit, that does sound good. Carry on.
HANS: Well sire, you remember that Galley that Prague sent out exploring?
CHARLEMAGNE: Of course I bloody do. MY idea, if you remember, though I don’t suppose you will, having the memory of a goldfish.
HANS: Anyway, it encountered a barbarian city further up the coast to the north.
CHARLEMAGNE: AHA! A chance for the military to impress!
HANS: Of course, this is obviously a shallow and sleazy attempt by the Vikings to undermine your firm foothold in the region. Undoubtedly they must be crushed.
CHARLEMAGNE: Glad you’ve finally started to see sense, Hans. What units are ready for the job?
HANS: Well apparently, the citadel is solely guarded by a band of warriors.
CHARLEMAGNE: I see. Easy pickings for our new axeman, then?
HANS: I’ve already sent him out, sire.
CHARLEMAGNE: WHAT?
HANS: Erm . . . I said I’m waiting for you to send him out, sire.
CHARLEMAGNE: Oh, really? No time to waste, Hans. Send him out.

425BC​

The council is summoned by the King
CHARLEMAGNE: I have founded Augsburg, lads!
OTTO: Brilliant. Just great.
CHARLEMAGNE: I thought so too. One more thing, it secures the last known Iron resource on the continent, so Ragnar can’t get his stinking hands on any.
HANS: Is that going to secure an Iron grip on the continent, then?
CHARLEMAGNE: BLOODY HELL! You just SPOILED my PUN!
HANS: It was pretty lame, anyway.
CHARLEMAGNE: WHAT?
HANS: Erm . . . I mean I’m ashamed, sire.
CHARLEMAGNE: And so you should be. Wasting my witty puns before I get to them.
SLICK: Does this mean we’re preparing for war, then, dude?
CHARLEMAGNE: Stop saying “dude”. It’s bloody annoying after a while.
SLICK: Sorry, dude.

375BC​

Hans has a quick word with Charlemagne
HANS: Sire, it is clear that the Vikings have captured the Barbarian city of Carib before us.
CHARLEMAGNE: NO!! That was MY prize. And I still mean to PRISE it from his weak grasp.
HANS: Battle of the Titans eh?
CHARLEMAGNE: No. As it happens, there’s only one Titan out of the two.
(He storms off)
HANS: The words of either a fool, or someone who hasn’t looked at the powergraph in a while.
(As Charlemagne thunders towards the Palace, he is accosted by Otto)
OTTO: Sire, the research rate was just forcibly cut to 60%. You cannot keep expanding like this sire. It will ruin us.
CHARLEMAGNE: You ignorant, pestering dolt, you think I don’t have a Master Plan?
OTTO: I assume you have a plan sire, but whether it qualifies as . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: Nothing to worry about then. Bloody hell, Otto, think twice before you speak, will you?
(Charlemagne hurries along towards the Palace, where he is met by Slick)
CHARLEMAGNE: Bloody hell. You buggers just don’t go away, do you? We haven’t even had Council Time today.
SLICK: Dude, I just wanted to congratulate you on starting on the Pyramids! What a killer of an idea!
CHARLEMAGNE: Naturally. Just goes to show I don’t really need you losers, I just keep you out of pity.
SLICK: It’s always nice to feel appreciated, dude.
CHARLEMAGNE: I’m just a nice sort of guy.

350BC​

Charlemagne is angry with his council about somethingCHARLEMAGNE: What in the name of the BUDDHA is THIS?
HANS: I’m sorry, sire, but . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: SIXTH? SIXTH out of SEVEN in military ratings?
OTTO: Wow, that’s near the bottom actually, isn’t it?
CHARLEMAGNE: SHUT UP OTTO, YOU FOOL! You lads do know Ragnar’s going to be round here any moment?
(Ragnar walks in)
JOHANN: Speak of the devil.
RAGNAR: No. I’d prefer to comment on Vikings’ tremendous showing in the world military assessment.
CHARLEMAGNE: Not at the top though, were you Raggers?
RAGNAR: As close to as you were to the bottom.
CHARLEMAGNE: Well, your score’s still at the bottom, Dwarf-Lord, so go and work on that.
RAGNAR: Good idea for when I’ve finished wiping you out. Thanks again, Charlemagne.
(Ragnar exits)
CHARLEMAGNE: He’s got the tongue of a serpent, that one.
HANS: Right, I think it might be time to build up our forces now, before Ragnar wipes us out.
CHARLEMAGNE: Really? I thought we might wait until AFTERWARDS!
HANS: Sorry again, sire.
CHARLEMAGNE: You’d best be. Fix it. (Charlemagne exits)
HANS: It’s funny how, whenever something good happens, it’s all the king’s work, but when something crap happens, it’s always our fault, isn’t it?
OTTO: Just shows how good the King is, I suppose.
HANS: Otto, you really are thick, aren’t you?

300BC​

Slick announces a meeting of the council
SLICK: Guess what, dudes?
HANS: Erm . . . you’re an annoying pacifist prick?
SLICK: Apart from that.
OTTO: How about . . . the King’s gonna shout at you unless you spit it . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: Well guessed Otto! SLICK, GET ON WITH IT!
SLICK: We’re the first Empire to discover Code Of Laws!
CHARLEMAGNE: And why would I give a damn?
SLICK: Alright, dude, keep your crown on.
CHARLEMAGNE: WHAT WAS THAT?
SLICK: Erm . . . you look good with that crown on?
CHARLEMAGNE: Oh, do you like it? It’s new actually.
SLICK: Very cool, dude. Anyway, it means that we get to found another religion!
JOHANN: Confucianism, isn’t it?
SLICK: Nice one! Confucianism is based around the basing of the philosopher Confucius, you know, the dude who said “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime”?
OTTO: That reminds me, I never told you about when me and Barney Cudgel . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: THAT’S ENOUGH, SLIMEBALLS!
SLICK: Anyway, the citizens of Augsburg decided they like it, and they even provided you with a missionary to spread it.
CHARLEMAGNE: The only thing I’m going to be spreading in the near future is butter – on my toast. Slick you fool, in case you had forgotten, this is a Buddhist state, remember?
SLICK: But dude, later on you can adopt Free Religion, which . . .
CHARLEMAGNE: Enough heresy from you, Slick. By all means, spread Confucianism in Aachen, but no further. We got better things to do.
JOHANN: Oh yeah, and I forgot, I told the scien . . . I mean, you told the scientists to work on Alphabet next.
CHARLEMAGNE: Another top decision from me, by the sounds of it.
JOHANN: Yeah, well, they kind of laughed at me, said that it would have been more useful before Writing, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I kind of got the impression that they were going to do bugger all for 100 years, and then present Writing again as Alphabet.
OTTO: They are kinda the same thing, actually.
CHARLEMAGNE: To be fair, I wasn’t really listening past the first bit, so that means it can’t have been too interesting. Meeting over, boys.

1AD​

The council meets at the celebration of the start of the AD years
JOHANN: What the hell are we celebrating again Slick?
SLICK: The birth of Christ, dude.
CHARLEMAGNE: TWO bloody problems with that; a) WE ARE BUDDHIST and b) Christianity hasn’t been FOUNDED YET!
SLICK: Yeah, well we haven’t researched Calendar yet, so that means that we haven’t officially worked that out. Anyway, parties are cool, dude, so just relax and enjoy!

50AD​

Charlemagne speaks to his advisors
CHARLEMAGNE: The city of Mainz is now in existence, lads!
HANS: Oh good. Another city that really needed to be founded.
CHARLEMAGNE: Well, you can always rely on me, boys, I know what’s going on. Just as well, really, you lads wouldn’t realise that Ragnar had declared war unless the whole Viking army suddenly turned up on your doorstep.
SLICK: Unlike our army, dude, the Viking army wouldn’t fit on my doorstep.
HANS: Actually, our military has been getting better recently.
CHARLEMAGNE: Really? I didn’t know that!
HANS: Funny, since I sent them all round to your palace to tell you. They’re probably waiting on your doorstep for you.
CHARLEMAGNE: Well then, how the hell do you expect me to notice them? I’ve got MILLIONS of doorsteps! And millions of slaves, even though we didn’t adopt Slavery.

100AD
Slick meets the King briefly
SLICK: A famous prophet was born in Aachen today, dude. May I suggest that he builds the Mahabodhi?
CHARLEMAGNE: No, but I’ll suggest that he does.
SLICK: Fair enough.