Things I learned about the science of warfare through Civilization IV

344: Workers are complete wimps and will gladly work for their conquerors, even if their families have been working for their homeland for 5000 years.
 
Some of these not quite original but ....

345. Serfs are the cheapest form of labour. Slaves require a danger money bonus, presumably because of that whip you're holding..

346. The manhattan project was a libertarian vision that enabled the knowledge of the most destructive weapon ever to be distibuted around the planet, although the project itself was completely weapon free. The country that volunteered to run the project collapsed its economy and was nuked by its enemies which did not waste money on such a stupid idea. This explains the Japanese victory over the USA in WWII.

347. Modern armour is heavier than its forbears despite being made of aluminium instead of iron. This lightness is offset by making the dammed thing twice as wide and longer to boot.

348. No one thought that drinking fermented grapes, falling over in the gutter, and singing stupid songs in the street would catch on until a royal family arrived on the scene.
 
1. A sword is sharper when attacking a city than when defending it. This is due to the geo-magnetic effect on the blade's sharpness, such that when pointed toward the center of a town, it has more cutting power, but pointed away from the center of down, the weapon becomes an overweight iron club, and ineffective.

2. An axe has the reverse sharpness polarity of a sword. When facing toward the center of a city, the axe is useless, but pointing away from the city, the axe can cut effectively.

3. The effective firing range of a bronze pike is farther than that of a rifle used by a 19th century-era cavalryman. These pikes are imbued with special magic that enables the point of the weapon to elongate past the 100 meters or so that the cavalryman can effectively fire his rifle. In order to carry these 100+ meter long pikes, the pikemen go into a special trance that invokes superhuman strength. In the presence of a mace, however, the pike shortens to about an inch and a half, and the mojo of the mace causes the pikeman to shrivel up into a bed-ridden dwarf scarcely able to carry his own bodyweight, let alone wield a weapon effectively. Heisenberg discovered this principle in his physics lab but his discovery was overshadowed by Schroedinger's Spear Beats a Tank When His Cat is Watching from the Ceiling, abbreviated over time to simply, Schroedinger's Cat.

4. When a catapult or trebuchet launches its missile at a defensive position, if the missile misses its mark, this causes the siege engine to spontaneously explode, killing the entire crew.

5. There is no effective stand-off range for catapults and trebuchets, such that an axeman hiding behind a wall can cause catapults to spontaneously explode when launching their missiles at them. The mojo of the axe comes into effect, of course, because it's facing outward from the city.

6. Two or three 19th century cavalrymen are guaranteed to eventually overrun a machine gun position. A machine gun can only kill one attacker, after which all others, no matter how outdated their weaponry, will make it past the hail of machine gun fire and slaughter the machine gun crewmen. This is because the hundreds of rounds of ammunition, after killing their first cavalryman, are required by international law to fire straight up into the air, on pain of incarceration at the Hague.

7. City walls disappear in the presence of muskets, and reappear in the presence of swords, spears, and catapults. The sorcerers causing these alternate transformations are busy day and night in their deep-underground bunkers watching every city everywhere and switching the space-time continuum and vibrational frequency of matter, several times per minute in the heat of any given siege battle. Some erroneously believe that musket balls are able to pass through several feet of stone city wall, but this is only an illusion generated by the hard-working city-wall-disappearing sorcerer's guild, whose job is thankless and unsung.

8. When field artillery does collateral damage to units, enemy field artillery is immune to it. This is due to the hyperspace quantum force field generated by artillery wheels that render its crews 100% invulnerable to shrapnel.

9. A couple of artists in a nearby city are far more able to conquer a neighboring city by writing a few plays, than a large army of swordsmen and catapults. Art is a magical power known throughout history for its world-conquering abilities. The Romans especially were deadly to the Gauls when fielding their 18th Sculptural Legion which created lethal statues that toppled the highest of Vercingetorix' city walls. Only the modern French with their elite existential novelists division were able to withstand the Roman military artistic assaults, and everyone knows the Cold War was about who could paint the prettiest paintings. During a siege, it isn't the city walls that protect against catapult volleys, but sailor's ditties, limericks, and dancing a jig.

10. Borders cannot be negotiated as conditions of peace talks. These are settled by artists' guilds in a dancing contest. When a city flips due to culture-conquest, the unanimous cry by the conqueror is: "You got served!"

11. The cost of maintaining a couple of peasants with spears is exactly equal to the cost of maintaining the same number of soldiers driving around in modern tanks with sophisticated targeting systems, depleted uranium munitions, special fuels, and early warning systems. This is due to the power of a spear to beat said tank!

Simply unexplained phenomena.....ask Sid!
 
349) The only ships that can function as pirate vessels are those that were created designed to appear nuetral at the beginning of their construction. This is to ensure that the vessel does not resemble one of their nation's normal vessels. This process also weakens the ship because the removal of flags and other signs of national pride demoralizes the crew. Luckily, if captured the crew will never reveal their nation of origin.
 
350) If you are starting a rock band, don't call it Huey Lewis and the News. There already is a band by this name.

351) Try not to wake up on fire.

352) Never throw a baby, even at a burglar.

353) Never threaten to steal a cop's weenis.
 
350) If you are starting a rock band, don't call it Huey Lewis and the News. There already is a band by this name.

351) Try not to wake up on fire.

352) Never throw a baby, even at a burglar.

353) Never threaten to steal a cop's weenis.

Wait... there are babies in Civ? This is news to me! I thought we had Asexual reproduction where if there was enough food we just divided :rolleyes:
 
11. The cost of maintaining a couple of peasants with spears is exactly equal to the cost of maintaining the same number of soldiers driving around in modern tanks with sophisticated targeting systems, depleted uranium munitions, special fuels, and early warning systems. This is due to the power of a spear to beat said tank! .
This is only partly true, as a 4000bc warrior costs about 1/2 as much to maintain as a future age one due to inflation

Speaking of inflation....
351) A Civilisation can utilise an unlimited quantity of gold, silver and gems while having the same inflation as another civilisation that makes do without.

352) The additional fortification generated by the Chichen Itcha instantly propogates across the world for all of your cities, ignoring cultural borders, impassable peaks and oceans. This stone is actually of alien origin and will repel bullets and just as easily as clubs. Furthermore this mystical stone will magically vanish the instant your civilisation learns about rifling.

353) The Great Wall of China was actually a valuable repository of combat knowledge that was never supersceeded. Allowing warriors, tanks, helicoptors and ships to gain combat experience twice as fast, but only where local songs were sung.
354a) The Great Wall transmits this combat knowledge instantly across any distance using it's sentient telepathic powers.
355b)You might see parts, or even the entirety of Great Wall controlled by other nations, but as long as the engineers that built it remained under your control you and only you will know how to use its awesome power.

356) If any rival civilisation has the audacity to construct non-standard buildings they will immediately be torn down and replaced with the standard model when captured
 
357: Even if your walls are 10 feet thick, a bullet can go right through them.
358: (I don't have BTS, so bear with me) Swords can go right through the Great Wall. If one unit is defending one side of the wall, the other attacking force just walk through the wall, as it is all and illusion.
359: The Great Wall is only able to stop barbarians from coming in because they hang a sign saying, out to lunch. Be back never. The barbarians politely wait, and just hang around outside, when they could easily walk over the wall.
 
360) Stonehenge was never made of stone but in fact limestone.. They never did tear out mountains to get stone did they?
361) If you don't have stone you can build the pyramids with wood. Even then it will take twice as long despite the fact that wood is in abundance and many times lighter.
362)Until you know how to use it, you cannot see copper, iron, coal, aluminum....
363) Your mines are never empty of the ore. They will provide you with the resource till the end of the world and beyond t
 
364) Even though the GW never grows it's power of Barbarian repelling grows with the songs of your artists.
 
350) If you are starting a rock band, don't call it Huey Lewis and the News. There already is a band by this name.

351) Try not to wake up on fire.

352) Never throw a baby, even at a burglar.

353) Never threaten to steal a cop's weenis.

Yeah, that wasn't the least bit of subject, was it?
 
366. The elite students of Civilisation study for hundreds of years. However they only know if they were studying art, engineering or religion when they graduate - too much time in the student bars perhaps...

367. Building a Great Wall around a student (see366 above) enables them to develop the social skills necessary to survive in the world of international espionage.

Moderator - can we have some action on the blatantly offtopic posts plz.
 
368 ) ( Discovered this one yesterday.... 4 years playing Civ IV and I can still find new stuff ) If your armies manage to get the world into submission, your spaceship will enter in a warp speed mode and will get instantly to Alpha centauri.
 
^^ I suppose yesterday means when finishing ph13. Though, I don't really understand why the ship should enter warp speed mode :confused:
 
Look at the save I posted and see how many turns it still has until reach AC. Press enter, pass the dom win blahblah, "just one more turn" and then check F8 and see SS status:
Spoiler :
Congratulations!
You have reached Alpha Centauri
In resume: if you have a ship in the air and you win, the game assumes that you reached AC, no matter what VC you acheived ( except Time, maybe? )
 
This stuff is hysterical

My apologies if these have already been posted but there are too many posts to read to find out lol

369: Horses did not exist until AFTER we figured out how to ride them

370: Copper, Iron, Uranium, Aluminum and Oil didn't exist until we AFTER we used them to invent certain technologies that made them exist. i.e. - Copper is needed to make bronze but it didn't exist so we used it to invent bronze which made copper exist lol

371: No one knew how to get drunk off of wine until we had a king

372: We didn't know how to make silk, spices, or burn incense until we knew what day of the week it was lol

373: No one knew how to extend an irrigated field to thier neighbors yard until we had government jobs lol
 
r_rolo1 said:
In resume: if you have a ship in the air and you win, the game assumes that you reached AC, no matter what VC you acheived ( except Time, maybe? )
:lol: that's great :goodjob:

blackrabbit said:
369: Horses did not exist until AFTER we figured out how to ride them
Wrong, you don't see them until you know how to put a fence around them.

372: We didn't know how to make silk, spices, or burn incense until we knew what day of the week it was lol
Also wrong. By having knowledge of calendar, a civ merely is able to grow those things as they know when you could cultivate what in which space of time (which they found out by "try and error" and now can somehow remember :p)

#374 Having knowledge of Calendar, your civ instantly in which part of the world it is placed. Even if they can't even draw maps.

#375 Developing a "Scientific Method" slows the research of your civilization down by obsoleting a Huge Library. This is because all scientists now don't need to go to libraries anymore, they only learn from Wikipedia, Google, etc.
 
#375 Developing a "Scientific Method" slows the research of your civilization down by obsoleting a Huge Library. This is because all scientists now don't need to go to libraries anymore, they only learn from Wikipedia, Google, etc.
That is really bad becuse the internet need Computers and that is far away in the tech line :lol:
 
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