Writing Workshop

thecrazyscot

thecrazyscot

Spiffy
Joined
Dec 27, 2012
Messages
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There are some very talented writers on CFC, and I think it would benefit those of us (like me) who aren't very experienced to get comments or feedback on small/short writing projects...if anyone is willing to participate.

I wrote this poem a while back, and having recently come back to trying to write, I would appreciate criticism of any kind, positive or negative (although I hope for constructive either way). I want to improve.
Soft vibrations in the air,
thunder tumbling from the clouds;
the black sky looms like the void
inside some strange inverted planet.
The rusty lamps of the town stand, laughably defiant -
traces of light speckling the gloom.

I walk on the thin film of water
covering the sidewalk.
White shapes dance off the concrete
like the blurred strokes of a painter
using a saturated brush:
shimmering - keeping pace -
escaping my languid approach.

Rain falls to soft applause
from sodden leaves;
rivulets form in shallow crevasses
and drain the damp earth
as they haphazardly migrate below,
opening reflected glimpses of parallel worlds;
until a foot scatters them into fragments of luminosity,
exquisite rain-drop supernovae:
briefly blazing,
soon extinguished.
Click to expand...
 
Very nice imagery. :)
 
Oh, that's nice. It's beautiful, if perhaps a bit bloated for my taste. Birdjaguar is CFC's actual poet, so he's the one I think can properly do some critique.

Meanwhile, I'll join the party. I have written lots of stuff, so here is one of my rather rare poems with rhyme (which I think is pretty bad) and one of what I think is my best:

Of Men And Their Companies
Spoiler :
I wake not at dawn
By a growl (or a howl)
From a wolf or an owl
Near a dried-out lawn
Somewhere far away,

But more like a neigh
By my arm (in my dream)
From a boy who's the cream
Of companies gay
And sweet as pastries.

Who could want ladies
By their side or around,
Like a fly in a gown
Stuck smelling daisies,
Hanging from their arms

Trying to work charms
By devils among men
On pure hearts once again?
Taking out alarms,
Preventing the game.


Room 24
Spoiler :
Every step I take
Brings me a mile ago;
So I walk
For kilometres
In room 24.

Always a straight line
Yet I still feel so queer;
Encounters
In dark-lit corners
In room 24.

Sometimes I'm lonely
As I keep on walking
To find me:
To find somebody
In room 24.

Crossing the threshold,
Bumping into people
That left me
Completely alone
In room 24.

Men in denial
Or of unsure desire,
Closeted
Still, with confused eyes
In room 24.

Of some looks so fine
I can't but wish be mine
Forever
Unattainable
In room 24.

Find a gunslinger
Aiming shots at my heart,
For my soul:
Black as his powder,
In room 24.

No way out or back,
I can't but walk forward
To the end,
Burn marks on the wall
In room 24.

The lungs are in pain:
Fire stings all so deeply
And consumes
Out to the inside
In room 24.

While dancers flow
At the beat of my pace
Round and down
Towards the basement
In room 24.

Took a step outside
With the ball queen in drag
Obscenely
Showing his anus
In room 24.

Crossing a palace
I see kings and princes
In paintings
Secretly bowing
In room 24.

Shake hands with lawmen
Who want to stab my back
And whisper
Orwellian nightmares
In room 24.

Leaving the charade
To the phony buffoons
I move on
Through shreds of paper
In room 24.

The forgetfulness
Of old beloved people
Long ago
Before memory
In room 24.

A frantic transit:
Handshakes, hugs and kisses
Lost to me
Under the next one
In room 24.

Suddenly water
Appears under my feet
Getting cold
But never stopping
In room 24.

A floor of soft sand
Floods legs up to the knees.
Sluggish moves
Make for easy preys
In room 24.

Waves keep on hitting
To pull me far away;
Foreign shores
Dragged under my soles
In room 24.

Surrounding my trip
Endless walls continue
To build up
Merciless wardens
In room 24.

The clock ticks harder
And time slows every move,
Stops the step,
Tears the skin to rags
In room 24.

Walking among graves
On a path of ashes
I feel dead,
An empty carcass
In room 24.

Outside the windows
A funeral service
For my corpse
Dead in sin and fault
In room 24

In front comes the wall
At last coming so close
To the end:
No door or way out
Of room 24.
 
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