Jokes II

Bose

Bose

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Lets go again, I'll start...

THE PHONE rang and a bloke answered to find his doctor on the line. “I’ve got bad news and worse news,” said the doc.

“What’s the bad news,” asked the bloke.

“You only have 24 hours to live,” said the doctor.

“Christ!” exclaimed the bloke. “What could be worse than that?”

“I’ve been trying to call you since yesterday,” the doc said.
 
Comical Ali has rounded up all the Saddam impersonators and doubles in Iraq, and gets them all in the same room. The 'Saddams' are all looking around nervously.
"I have good news and bad news for you" Comical Ali says.
"The good news for you is that Saddam is alive, so Iraq still needs your services"
Everyone dutifully cheers.
"The bad news for you is that his arms have been blown off...."
:D
 
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." And he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer. For months. They began to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wondered. The man pondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in heaven." "Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "Come on!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
 
in a train, 4 persons were sitting in a room. in one side an argentinian and next to him a mexican, right in front of them there were an old woman and next to her a super cute swedish girl.
suddenly the train goes into a tunnel and slap is heard in the darkness, when they return to the day light, the argentinian has a bruise in his face.
the old woman thought. mmm, the argentinian tried to make a move on the swedish girl and was slaped
the swedish girl thought:mmm, the argentinian tried to make a move on me but he choose wrong and was slaped by the old woman
the argentinian thought mmm, the mexican tried to make a move on the swedish girl and in the darkness she slaped me
the mexican thought, I hope we go though another tunnel to slap the argentinian again :p

no offense, Alice :D
 
A BLIND man walked into a store and started swinging his Labradore around his head, making an enormous noise and knocking everything everywhere. Shocked, the manager rushed over and asked, “Is there a problem? Can I help you?”
“No thanks,” said the blind bloke. “Just looking.”
 
Here is a hockey joke for Detroiters.

You walk into a bar and you see Sadam, Hitler, and Claude Lemieux. You have 2 shots of a gun. Who do you shoot?

ANSWER:
Hitler is dead, and Sadam will die, so shoot Claude twice. :lol:
 
SAINT Peter had a bloke in front of him, wanting to pass through the pearly gates. “I can see you didn’t do anything really good in your life but you never did anything bad either,” he said. “I’ll tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed you did, you’re in.”
The bloke said, “Once I saw a gang of bikers assaulting a girl. I walked straight up to the gang’s leader – a huge, ugly guy with a chain running from his nose to his ear. I ripped the chain out of his nose and snotted him with a left hook that would’ve dropped an ox.
“Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Piss off before I teach you all a lesson in pain!’”
Impressed, Saint Peter said, “Really? I can’t see it in your file. When did this happen?”
“About a minute ago,” the bloke said.
 
theese threads are cracking me up... :lol:
 
RESEARCH has found a transfusion of chook’s blood can be a sex aid. It makes men cocky and women lay better.
 
A book never written

Ways to cure a cold by Chick N. Soop
 
A CLUB was holding auditions and a singer walked onto the stage. Before he could do anything the manager yelled, “You’d better not be a hypnotist. Hypnotists aren’t welcome here.”

The crooner was a little taken aback but replied, “I’m a singer. But what’s wrong with hypnotists?”

“We had one a couple days ago,” said the manager.

“With 10 people on stage in a trance he tripped over the microphone lead and shouted ‘sh*t!’ We’ve only just got the smell out of the room.”
 
Hung Chow: "Hey boss, I not come work today. I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says: "You know Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
 
Originally posted by puglover
A book never written

Ways to cure a cold by Chick N. Soop
Click to expand...

Falling out windows by Eileen Dover

The World is my Urinal by I.P.Freely
 
This'll go down like an inflatable dart board here but...

A young man reported for his first day of work at a supermarket. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"Hold on," cried the young snotty, "I've got an IT degree!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom. I'll show you how."
 
Q: Why did Elijah open up a business?

A: So he could make a prophet.

*ba-dum bitz*
 
Thats a good one Alex, original! This is one i heard last night off a housemate... not good!

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?

A: Gonorrhoea.
 
yeah, sorry bout that one. I'll do a little better for you...

This is purely for laughs, i mean nothing bad by it, any girls can change body parts around to make it a male joke.

A bloke was pacing nervously in the waiting room at a maternity ward when he looked up to see a doctor approaching. The doctor took a deep breath and said to the bloke, "You've had a girl. Nothing's wrong, exactly, but your child is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The bloke looked blank and asked, "A hermaphrodite? What's that?" "It means your baby has the features of a male and a female," the doctor said. The bloke turned pale and said, "Oh my God! You mean it has a vagina and a brain?"
 
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