1001 Bad (or good) Jokes About CIV

389. If you’re playing as the Aztecs and you need more happiness, you may need to build a Monte-zoo-ma.

390. I needed a Bazaar so badly, that I used a Great Engineer and Rashid it.

391. If as Nebby, I use one of the Great Scientists that I get more easily as a result of my UA in order to research Combustion, I really am benefiting from my culture’s Enginuity, amirite?

392. If I want extra production in the cities connected to my capital, I wish the game didn’t railroad me into just one kind of tile improvement for achieving that.

393. I wish I had the tech that would let me build artillery. That would be dynamite.

394. My civ was very eager to build a Stock Exchange; so once we researched the required tech, you could feel the electricity in the room.

395. Well, I don’t have multiple sources, but I’m glad I have at least a luminum.

396. How could they build the Statue of Liberty in France and move it to New York? Re-place-able Parts.

397. I’m pretty sure my rival is going to get the wonder I’m working on built before me, so I’m going to shift production to something else and cut my Colossus.

398. Sure, there’s Bi-ology and Arche-ology, but in my mind, it’s an –ology that will let me build Hagia Sophia that I regard as The-ology.

399. My opponent already has Longswordsmen; I better Steel myself for an attack.

400. Rome’s UU isn’t just a fighting unit, but can also build certain tile improvements. Therefore, Rome really gets their Iron Working.

401. Do I deserve this key resource? Look at all I do to get it: teching Bronze Working, scouting thoroughly, building a settler to go claim it. Iron it!

402. I’m not going for a cultural victory this time. I don’t need the Drama.

403. If I’m playing as the Maya and I go for a Science Victory, will my spaceship need an extra long count down?

404. I’m playing the Maya and I’m landlocked. I’ve chosen all the Great People but Admiral. I guess my next one won’t be so great after all.

405. Look, wheat I understand, but you want me to put what else in my granary?

406. It’s no wonder civs are so hostile from the beginning of the game, if they’re all starting biased.

407. I’ve got a DoF with William. He hit me up for some cash just after teching Navigation. See beggar?

408. Is there any civ who would have a way of getting more out of a jungle than a trading post gives? Brazil would.

409. With all of its special abilities, I’m definitely pro-quistidor!

410. If a unit moves from a coastal tile to a forest tile, has it disembarked or embarked?

411. If your scout earns the Scouting promotion in the game’s earliest era, it may be the most important Antiquity Sight in the game.

412. Our civ has bi-ologists and ec-ologists, but our key –ologists are the ones we send to unearth artifacts and create landmarks.

413. I find that the Spaceship Factory is the real SS Booster.

414. I built a Renaissance Wonder in a city on an otherwise worthless tile, so I could have a Snow Globe.

415. There is one kind of tile that gives you absolutely nothing; ‘sno good.

416. Can Mongolia’s unique version of the Great General still build citadels? Yes, he Khan.

417. I know you could create a Great Work of Writing, but why not treat us to the other thing you’re capable of producing?

418. Do you like Kipling? I don’t know, I’ve never kippled.

419. Is there some kind of theming bonus if I have both William Byrd and John Cage?

420. I’ve made a Liszt of my Great People and now I need to Chekov the Jobs I want each of them to do.

421. By the time of BNW, I think the developers were running out of steam. They gave Venice a special version of a Great Merchant, but couldn’t think of any better name for it than the Merchant of Venice. Duh.

422. Since I wanted a UU that can pillage without movement cost and earn faith with victories, you can probably guess which Civ I pict.

423. Knock knock. Who’s there? Ghandi. Ghandi who? Gone deep into my treasury to buy nukes.

424. Knock knock. Who’s there? Ghandi. Ghandi who? Gun delivers too small a charge; building nuke.

425. Knock knock. Who’s there? William. William who? Orange you glad I didn’t say Ghandi again!

426. Knock knock. Who’s there? Ivory. Ivory who? I’ve a really good luxury, since it lets me build a circus too.

427. What’s this? There’s one building I’m forbidden from building, a palace, but nothing stops me from building a Forbidden Palace.

428. I worked the hardest, and I got the best reward. I’d say the world’s fair.

429: Rollbzl: Warrior code.

430: I’ve got a lot of tundra, so any tile that gives me extra food resources is deer to me.

431. I think there’s really no peer amid all the UBs for the one that the Maya can build.

432. What kinds of plants do you grow in the Floating Gardens? Hydro plants!

433. You may want Construction, but the game makes you start by learning to build individual building parts; it makes you learn Arch-ery first.

434. Do I need a theater for my spies to stage a coup?

435. My plan to invade my neighbor with cavalry tanked when I realized he had much superior units.

436. If your neighbor is Shaka what tile don’t you want to see him have? “Hos-tile”!

437. The other civs have voted for a ban on my key luxury; sort of a Wine Bar.

438. What kind of gates do they at the World Congress? Delegates!

439. My city has great food resources and great gold. It’s a little short on production, but I’ll hammer that out in time.

440. There’s a belief I can choose that gives me prophets and missionaries with 30% less faith? Holy Order!

441. My attacking neighbor tried to move a unit onto one of my luxury tiles. Fortunately, he dyed.

442. My game must have a bug. Despite its name, I’m getting two science and three happiness from this natural wonder, and no faith at all!

443. I definitely need Penicillin to kill all the pests I have: Op-ticks, and Dyna-mite.

444. Getting Edgar Allen when I built the Parthenon really puts the Poe in Poetry.

445. If you build Broadway, you should also build a bomb shelter.

446. I got a map of an area I’d already explored; man am I ruin’ that as a bonus.

447. Cities and carriers are basically the only places airplanes can end a turn.

448. If Civ V doesn’t have pollution, why are there air sweeps?

449. If you can get the World Congress to ban all of your rival’s luxes, that’s the best kind of trade rout.

450. Just because my public opinion is low, my cities join other civs? That’s revolting!

451. If this Freedom Tenet helps me generate a Great General faster, the bonus he imparts to my defending troops will make him really an Avant Guard.

452. Like all natural wonders, it’s as impassible as a mountain. That’s why they call it a Great Barrier Reef.

453. I don’t usually prioritize this technology, but as China, being able to build Chu-ko-nus really puts the sheen in Machinery.

454. With the bridges you can build, you effectively bring the banks of rivers closer to each other; it could be Engi-near-ing.

455. Submarines can move through tiles other naval units can’t; that’s an ice feature.

456. My rival captured one of my cities, and although I’ve captured it back, I don’t want it any longer. Although I raised this city, I’m going to raze this city.

457. I have a lot of oil, so I might as well research Biology.

458. Honestly? The wonder they associated with ranged units is the Temple of Arte-miss?

459. Once England has Astronomy and the Party Leadership tenet, they can observe a Tory.

460. I had to shift off of my high gold tiles and onto my high production tiles to make sure I got this wonder, so it’s a bit of Poor-celain Tower.

461. Do you ever reach a stage where your priorities can shift completely away from science because you pretty much have everything researched? Nah, no technology.

462. Since there’s room for other units on it, you’d have to call a Carrier the earliest space ship.

463. How come I can build an amphitheatre before I’ve researched Electricity?

464. Let me get this straight: Ivan the Terrible is a Great Person?

465. Is there any way I can see two more of my citizens happy? Colos-see-um!

466. Most of the citizens that I have on record work tiles, but a special list of them (artists, scientists, engineers, etc.) give me other advantages and help me earn great people.

467. The unmodded game doesn’t give you the option of making a range of notes on particular tiles. There’s only one landmark.

468. I shouldn’t have to wait until Printing Press. I should be able to zoo as soon as I get Legalism.

469. My traditional civ doesn’t yet have the capacity to embark units; that’s why my even my best citizens are a Landed Elite.

470. Somehow, I feel my population should double when I take Republic.

471. No wonder my cities are happier when I take Merry-tocracy, amirite?

472. I’d already build a shrine and temple before taking my first Piety policy, so I didn’t get any bonus; more a case of disorganized religion, I should say.

473. Theodora is brought into closer alliance with Ethiopia as a result of the pagodas of the religion Haile’s missionaries is spreading to her cities (that she can purchase cheaply); she likes him so much that she regards him as some kind of Man-date of Heaven.

474. The great merchants I get from CS allies after filling out the policy tree really make Pay-tronage pay.

475. If in Civ VI they go back to the old tile shape from Civ IV and before, it will be hex gone.

476. Why are naval units the happiest? They have boarding parties.

477. My melee troops can get Drill before I have Machinery? Weird.

478. It’s not enough that he has throngs of Hoplites and Companion Cavalry; now he has a combat enhancement that makes it as though there’s even more Al.

479. After I got Chivalry, I named my promoted scout Sir Vivalism.

480. Does the German UB help you with your religion? Help you en-Hanse it? No?

481. I fear that if my rival builds the wonder he’s working on, he’ll be unstoppable; in fact I’m Petra-fied.

482. I don’t have a slot for Guielleme de Machaut’s great work. It’s a real Messe.

483. Thank goodness I have a place to house the opera La Forza del Destino, though.

484. When can wells help you build tourism? When they’re H. G. Wells.

485. If it’s impossible to place bans on bananas, you also can’t repeal them.

486. I guess the Medieval Era is the Guilded Age.

487. Playing OCC as Ghandi, if I build the East India Company do the caravans just go around in circles?

488. I promoted this unit from an archer to a bazooka. That’s quite a range.