attempt at automatic writing, 1k words

***

Thousand words for Snow

He was found dead. In the snow. I'm guilty.

1. the one who freezes
2. takes breath away
3. kills my beloved
4. there is something missing
5. I couldn't find it for a milisecond
6. It's him
7. Why?
8. What do i do now?
9. Why it happened to me?
10. Didn't anybody notice a man in the snow?
11. What did he do to have such fate?
12. I want to sleep as well
13. I'm actually really tired
14. I have been tired for a while
15. Maybe it's how it's supposed to be
16. I can't see any other reason why
17. We were nice people
18. Not great, but nice
19. To some other people
20. At least
21. We were together for a while
22. and then this happens
23. and only his presence everywhere
24. Lingering like a ghost
25. Maybe
26. I say maybe too often
27. He decided something
28. I 'm too tired to do anything
29. So i'm doing nothing
30. But he did nothing at such a place
31. Where doing nothing leads to death
32. He was lonely at the time he died
33. Otherwise nobody would have allowed him to freeze to death
34. He was a good man
35. I'm sure he deserved to live
36. Do i?
37. What decides that we deserve to live?
38. Come on, it mustn't be this hard
39. It's only a heart
40. It either beats or is being silent
41. Zero or everything
42. All or nothing
43. He was all to me, but he is dead
44. So i'm lying
45. I'm guilty
46. He wouldn't have died if he would have been all to me
47. I would have felt, that he feels bad
48. I would have sensed something wrong
49. I would have called right before he fell asleep
50. I would have prayed for him
51. What can i Do for him now?
52. Can i ask someone how he feels?
53. Is there an afterlife?
54. Is he in heaven?
55. Was he in heaven when he was with me?
56. Why did he have to go then?
57. My apologies, I'm guilty, please punish me
58. I'm a bad person
59. no, why this cursor is flickering
60. it's plotting to kill me
61. I'm sure
62. Something is missing
63. my room feels so empty
64. There are still his clothes
65. His clothes have his scent
66. I made it to next page
67. I mean, third page
68. What will i tell to my children?
69. Why do i care/?
70. Where will i bury him?
71. Does he have a testamonial?
72. Why doesn't they cry at funerals?
73. I hate people who come to funerals and don't cry
74. They came to eat for free, to drink for free
75. But they don't miss the deceased person
76. They are definately egoistical bastards
77. I will invite only his closest friends to his funeral
78. I will invite only people who have heart and feelings
79. My computer just saved this document
80. Maybe there is God afterall
81. You know, maybe something remains after the person is gone
82. I'm not sure what
83. I must be dreaming
84. Maybe he is still alive
85. They are tellling me that he is dead and this is a bad dream
86. Why am i angry at myself then?
87. He is dead
88. I have to accept it
89. I have to
90. I have
91. to
92. o
93. looks similar to zero
94. he is so zero, yet his clothes, his poetry, his everything
95. makes him real
96. No, he is not real
97. our memories about him are real
98. Wait, i shouldn't cry on the cry, i mean, i shouldn't cry on the keyboard
99. it will get wet
100. and i won't finish this
101. and i won't find out if the document saves itself periodically or it was just blind luck
102. something is missing
103. my room is empty
104. Maybe this story isn't about him
105. It's about me
106. there is many me, though
107. one of them was his me
108. And that me will never die
109. I promise
110. So please
111. Can we meet on the other side?
112. If
113. no
114. i'm sure, we will
115. i will be a better person when i get there
116. i promise
117. Who am i promising to?
118. It's pointless
119. Life is pointless
120. there is no justice that such a man would have to die
121. and i would have to live
122. the radio started to play behind walls
123. The neighbours don't like me
124. they don't like the deafening sound of keyboard disturbing their silence
125. So they turned on the radio
126. I'm sure
127. they hate writers
128. They write only on documents which require signature
129. I'm bad at English
130. There are a lot of grammar mistakes
131. i made it to page five
132. I don't remember what five means in numerology
133. Why do i care about that?
134. I'm trying to make pointless things to mean something
135. And i'm failing at it
136. the code decomposes as the hard disk decomposes
137. the autoinsert function just told me what to write
138. with good enough autoinsert, it did it again, writers won't be needed
139. and composers won't be needed
140. we i'll read specially prepared texts
141. and listen to specially prepared songs
142. so our brainwaves float in pure joy
143. all day and night
144. i hope you will all die before this happens
145. it's suicidal to think of such nonsense
146. i have sixteen words left
147. Snow is going to melt
148. it is melting now
149. Bye