The Story of 18 Civs; the Egyptian Version

740AD​

Louis XIV pops into Thebes
LOUIS: Bonjour Hatshepsut, military genius extraordinaire.
HATSHEPSUT: That flattery means you want something, doesn’t it?
LOUIS: Not necessarily. I can pop over to Egypt to see my bon ami, n’est pas?
HATSHEPSUT: But you rarely do. Well if you don’t want anything . . .
LOUIS: Wait!
HATSHEPSUT: Spit it out.
LOUIS: I just wondaired if you would care to wipe out the Germans, preferably sooner rather than later. It’s got nothing to do with us being in trouble and defending for our lives, and besides, we’re on top now anyway, so we don’t even care if you say . . .
HATSHEPSUT: No. Au revoir, Louis.
LOUIS: Au revoir, Hatshepsut.

780AD​

Scythe and Hatshepsut are in Sparta
SCYTHE: The scientists say we have finished research on Machinery. Crossbows will come soon.
HATSHEPSUT: But not soon enough. We’re declaring war on Caesar now.
SCYTHE: What? Why?
HATSHEPSUT: Dur! For the same reason everything happens round here. BECAUSE I SAY SO! This is a good moment to attack; we can steal that worker just over the border.
SCYTHE: Fine. Lads, move!

(The lads move. A furious Julius Caesar arrives in Sparte half an hour later)

HATSHEPSUT: Not a bad time, but not top.
CAESAR: What? What are you on about? Why are you declaring war? Who do you think you are?
HATSHEPSUT: Any more futile questions for your future leader?
CAESAR: No. As of now, I’m not talking to you, so there.

(Caesar exits)

HATSHEPSUT: (shouts) Well, I’m not talking to YOU, EITHER!

800AD​

The council meets in Sparta
HATSHEPSUT: First things first; dealing with the bloody Indians.

(Asoka enters)

ASOKA: I see you have not attacked India yet.
HATSHEPSUT: Nope. Loads of people bet on that happening, but they lost their money.
ASOKA: Even I lost money on it. But I still have 15 gold. And I have Monarchy. And I need Horseback Riding.
HATSHEPSUT: Wow, it was actually worth your while coming all this way for once. You’ve got a deal.
ASOKA: Well, I’d love to stick around, but, erm . . . I think I hear my wife calling me, so bye! (Asoka exits)

KHALID: Wow, his wife must be even louder than you, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: I doubt it, Khalid. Scythe, update on the war.
SCYTHE: The troops are on a hilltop, and they have been scoping out the town of Antium, which has appeared just three leagues west of here. The defenses seem to be weak for the time being; just a Praetorian, a Spearman and two Archers. I’ll order our troops to cross the river, and then we’ll attack.
HATSHEPSUT: Sounds like a good enough plan, for someone of your intelligence.
AY: If I may deign to speak, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: You probably could.
AY: Seeing as we have Monarchy, Hereditary Rule seems like a good idea, as we have many troops in cities.
HATSHEPSUT: Just what I was thinking.
AY: Great minds think alike.
HATSHEPSUT: Shame we can’t test that theory.

840AD​

Asoka returns
HATSHEPSUT: What do you want this time, Asoka?
ASOKA: It is a religious matter, Hatshepsut. I see . . .
HATSHEPSUT: Well you can BUGGER OFF then. Religion just gets in the way.
ASOKA: Ah, but you don’t see it.
HATSHEPSUT: See what?
ASOKA: The true path to enlightenment lies with Buddhism. Egypt, frankly, will corrupt and weaken without it.
HATSHEPSUT: You expect ME to take advice from YOU?
ASOKA: Not really, but it was worth a try, I feel.
HATSHEPSUT: Ha! Egypt will not corrupt while I’m in charge. Now off you go, back to India, and stay there this time.
ASOKA: I pray for you, Hatshepsut. (Asoka exits)

SCYTHE: Nice one, my lady. How can Egypt be weak when it has just this morning captured the Roman town of Antium?
HATSHEPSUT: Yes! Caesar will be mad.
SCYTHE: We managed to capture the city losing only 3 catapults and a Horse Archer. I have instructed Gustavus II Adolphus to lead the troops on to Rome.
HATSHEPSUT: WHAT? YOU instructed the troops? Just remind me, who is the queen here again?
SCYTHE: (thinks) Erm . . . that’s a tricky one. Let me think . . . oh, I’ve got it! You!
HATSHEPSUT: Well done, Scythe. You cannot be trusted to lead the army, only I can. And I say, move on to Rome. Better than what ever it was you were planning.
SCYTHE: That sounds good.

920AD​

Qin Shi Huang arrives in the middle of a council meeting
QIN: Drop whatever you are doing, for China is here!
HATSHEPSUT: Go on then, quick.
QIN: China will do what China wants. Let that be known.
HATSHEPSUT: So will Egypt, and right now I have a mild preference of beheading you where you stand and using your skull as a football, unless you have something to offer.
QIN: China has decided that Open Borders with Egypt might be profitable for it.
HATSHEPSUT: OK, I’ll take that. Anything else?
QIN: Not that China feels able to disclose to you, Egyptian queen. I will see you soon.

(Qin exits)

KHALID: Why is it that all leaders have to have an eccentric trait? Why can’t one just be normal?
HATSHEPSUT: I’M normal.
KHALID: Erm . . . yes, deriving pleasure from killing people in incredibly gruesome ways sure isn’t strange.
HATSHEPSUT: Well everybody else likes it too, so there. Now, why the hell was this meeting called anyway? I’ve lost track.
AY: It is my pleasure to inform Your Majesty that Civil Service has been mastered, and we have adopted Bureaucracy.
HATSHEPSUT: WHAT?
AY: Erm . . . I said, we can now adopt Bureaucracy, if you so desire, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: Oh. Erm, yeah, go for it, whatever it is. Scythe?
SCYTHE: Soon we will taste Caesar’s BLOOD! I reckon we can just about take Rome in a couple of turns.
HATSHEPSUT: YES! BLOOD!

940AD​

Frederick is in Sparta
FREDERICK: You know Louis XIV and his bloodthirsty desires, do you not, Hatshepsut?
HATSHEPSUT: I do. Quite similar to my desires really.
FREDERICK: Satisfy your desires by waging war on the French. They are weak and rich.
HATSHEPSUT: So is Rome, Spain, and yourself.
FREDERICK: Germany is not weak, Hatshepsut.
HATSHEPSUT: What’s your word for it, then?
FREDERICK: You are a stubborn and arrogant woman, Hatshepsut. A bit like my wife, really.
HATSHEPSUT: Bugger off, Frederick.

(Frederick exits)

HATSHEPSUT: Now, what were you saying, Ay?
AY: We have completed the Parthenon, which will inspire greatness across the land.
HATSHEPSUT: Can I see it?
AY: No, I lost the picture, but you’ll see it when we get back to Thebes. It casts your palace into shadow.
HATSHEPSUT: What?
AY: Erm . . . I said, it lies in your Palace’s shadow.
HATSHEPSUT: Best place for it. Nothing is equal to me.

960AD​

Scythe is triumphant
SCYTHE: Rome, our greatest test so far, has fallen to our armies. The Roman Empire is no more.
HATSHEPSUT: Another one bites the dust. Press on to attack someone else.
SCYTHE: Well, actually our military sustained heavy losses taking down Rome. All our Catapults except one were destroyed; we lost almost all our war elephants, a few swordsmen perished, as did our experienced War Chariot somehow. We still have quite a few guys, but not enough to take on Russia or someone.
HATSHEPSUT: Ah well. Have our troops regroup in Sparta, and then let’s finish off mainland Europe. All we need to do is capture Spain, France and part of Germany. They’re practically a few city-states which bicker among each other. We could take them any day of the week.
AY: I thought this presented a good opportunity for a bit of peace, actually.
HATSHEPSUT: PRECISELY why you’re an idiot.
KHALID: One other thing which you might find interesting.
HATSHEPSUT: Although I doubt it. What?
KHALID: Mansa Musa has agreed to become a vassal state of Asoka.
HATSHEPSUT: WHAT? Who would swear fealty to an idiot with an army smaller than their own?
KHALID: Actually, they’re pretty much as weak as each other.
HATSHEPSUT: Fair play to Mansa then. He’s probably trying to nick a few techs off that stupid Indian. I’ve tried.
SCYTHE: I have another piece of news for you, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: Joy upon joy.
SCYTHE: For you, yes. Catherine has declared war on Frederick.
HATSHEPSUT: Exactly why we should strike one or the other ASAP.

1050AD​

A couple more leaders wait for audience with the Egyptian Queen
HATSHEPSUT: Leader number one, your time has come.

(a stranger enters)

STRANGER: Welcome to my palace, Hatshepsut. I’m Elizabeth, the wise and really quite beautiful leader of mighty England. Let there be peace between us or I’ll kill you.
HATSHEPSUT: Right. A, we’re in the mighty Egyptian palace, not your puny London flat, B, you wouldn’t say you were beautiful if you’d seen me, and C, you couldn’t kill me if you tried. End of.
ELIZABETH: OH, I’ve heard of you. You’re that stupid, bloodthirsty wacko Louis was talking about.
HATSHEPSUT: Glad to see Louis has a good opinion of me.
ELIZABETH: Anyway, would one care to stop for a cup of tea? I make a frightfully good one, you know.
HATSHEPSUT: No-one in Egypt drinks TEA! If you’ve got any booze on you, hand it over, or ship out.
ELIZABETH: You really are frightfully rude, Hatshepsut. Well, I’d love to stay . . . no, actually I lie. I’m going now.
HATSHEPSUT: Send the other dude in on your way out.

(Elizabeth exits, a stranger enters)

STRANGER: Welcome, oh leader of the Egyptian Empire. My horde can beat your horde any day of the week. Shall we be friends or enemies?
HATSHEPSUT: Your horde is no match for my mighty, disciplined army.
KHAN: Don’t disrespect a Khan. They do not take it lightly.
HATSHEPSUT: I’ll say what I said to Elizabeth; I don’t care for your military. It’s normally back in the Stone Age.
KHAN: Bronze Age, actually. We DO have Bronze Working.
HATSHEPSUT: Stunning stuff. Bugger back to the Asian steppes and annoy Qin, that’s normally what you like to do.
KHAN: Your wisdom is unrivalled. I see your reputation is deserved, and for that, I respect you. But Mongolia will come for you, when you least expect it.

(Genghis Khan exits)

HATSHEPSUT: I least expect it when I have Tanks and he still has Swordsmen. It doesn’t mean I fear him.
AY: My lady, it appears that these leaders are the last two leaders of Buddhism in the world. Somewhere, many miles from here in a far off city . . .
HATSHEPSUT: Called Madrid, probably.
AY : . . . the Apostolic Palace has been constructed. It is a revelation, which brings brothers of the Buddhist faith together as one, and they pass decrees, for which all Buddhist leaders can vote, including you.
HATSHEPSUT: What? But I think Buddhism is a load of crap!
AY: Yaas, but it still exists in corners of your lawless . . . I mean expansive empire. You must first cast your vote on who should become the resident of the Palace.
HATSHEPSUT: A hard one, but I vote for me.
AY: You can’t.
HATSHEPSUT: What? But I would clearly be the best woman for the job!
AY: That’s as maybe, but the candidates are Isabella and Catherine.
HATSHEPSUT: Well they’re both idiots.
AY: You may as well pick someone.
HATSHEPSUT: Well I’m not. I’m sulking and I abstain.
AY: Fair enough.

1060AD​

A proposition by Louis draws Hatshepsut’s interest for once
HATSHEPSUT: Seriously, Louis?
LOUIS: I have no other option. As much as I detest the Egyptian Empire and its population of criminals, bandits and whores, your military is unsurpassed, and I offer you my loyalty, in return for protection.
HATSHEPSUT: So, you’re admitting defeat at our mighty hands, eh?
LOUIS: Not really . . .
HATSHEPSUT: Giving up already?
LOUIS: No . . .
HATSHEPSUT: Chucking in the towel?
LOUIS: Look, do you have to be insufferable about this?
HATSHEPSUT: Yup. It’s pretty much necessary.
LOUIS: You do know the stipulation?
HATSHEPSUT: What, war with Frederick?
LOUIS: Yes.
HATSHEPSUT: Piece of cake. We were just about to take Berlin anyway, before moving onto you. We accept, of course.
LOUIS: Fantastique! The French people salute your wisdom, Hatshepsut!
HATSHEPSUT: It’s about time. One more thing; can we have Meditation for free?
LOUIS: Sure, honey. Au revoir!

(Louis exits)

HATSHEPSUT: Scythe, are our forces ready?
SCYTHE: Pretty much.
HATSHEPSUT: Bugger off and capture Berlin then. Along with any other German cities nearby.
KHALID: One thing puzzles me: I didn’t know we had Feudalism.
AY: We do now. Along with Engineering, apparently. Trebuchets are soon to come. (sigh)
HATSHEPSUT: Dunno what you’re sighing about, Ay. Trebuchets are hardcore compared to catapults. We need them.
AY: One more thing my lady, erm . . . you said this morning we would adopt Serfdom.
HATSHEPSUT: Did I? I don’t remember, but if I said it, we’d better do it quick.

1080AD​

Louis asks for open borders
LOUIS: I ask for open borders
HATSHEPSUT: I can spare you that. Send that crackpot fool Mansa in on your way out.

(Louis exits, Mansa enters)

MANSA: These are indeed dark days for the Egyptian Empire. Plagued by war and terror, the 5000 year old kingdom is on the verge of collapse, as civil war threatens to break out. But one great man, namely Mansa Musa, Emperor of Mali and Favoured of the Gods, was able to save them. He persuaded their old and wrinkled leader, Queen Hatshepsut, to convert to the one true religion, Hinduism, pursued by only a small fraction of the empire. And renewed prosperity was had by all.
HATSHEPSUT: I wish I had your fantasy life, Mansa.
MANSA: This is not fantasy, it is true. You should consider it, although I don’t suppose you will.
HATSHEPSUT: I will consider it actually.
MANSA: Thank . . .
HATSHEPSUT: I’ve considered it. Nope.
MANSA: Oh well. Mansa saw that the stubborn Egyptian leader would not budge, and so he had no choice but to leave them to their doom. Farewell.

(Mansa exits)

HATSHEPSUT: Always good for a laugh, is Mansa. Honestly, do I look wrinkled?
AY: Of course not, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: Good answer, Ay. Anyone else out there?
KHALID: Nope.
HATSHEPSUT: In that case, Scythe?
SCYTHE: Berlin is ours, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: Boom! And another city falls to Egypt with frightening ease.
SCYTHE: It really was easy. Stupid Catherine reduced their defense to 18% before we arrived, so we just rolled in and claimed it. One more thing, the lads say they can’t be bothered to bugger off round to Scandinavia to attack the rest of his cities, so I think you should go and make peace.
HATSHEPSUT: I’ll sue him for everything he’s got.

(5 days later and Hatshepsut arrives in the German capital)

FREDERICK: I, Frederick, desire peace with your puny culture, and give you Priesthood + 70 gold in exchange.
HATSHEPSUT: I, Hatshepsut, say NO DEAL, and raze your cities flat.
FREDERICK: Oh come on, Hatshepsut.
HATSHEPSUT: I was just joking. But if you think this is the last of it . . .
FREDERICK: I would be incredibly stupid, knowing you, Hatshepsut.
HATSHEPSUT: Ooh! My reputation is getting good.
(Back in Thebes, Hatshepsut lays out her next plan)
HATSHEPSUT: Now all we have to do is take down that psycho Isabella.
SCYTHE: She’s truly a weak force. The lads are almost ready to move.
HATSHEPSUT: Move them up to the border first.

1150AD​

Isabella meets Hatshepsut
ISABELLA: Although you are a heathen, scoundrel, and downright villain, the mighty kingdom of Holy Spain will condescend just this once from its lofty perch atop the world to offer you Open Borders.
HATSHEPSUT: Tempting, but I’d rather declare war.
ISABELLA: I know you would, but do you want Open Borders or not?
HATSHEPSUT: No, you don’t understand. I’m not being flippant; I’m actually declaring war.
ISABELLA: What? Oh shi – I mean, more fool you, when the armies of Spain sweep through your lands like a hurricane.
HATSHEPSUT: Looks like a wise decision then. Bye.

(Isabella exits)

HATSHEPSUT: Man, did that feel good. What you guys got for me?
AY: Since last time, we have researched Guilds, Literature, Compass and Paper.
HATSHEPSUT: All good.
AY: And you have to vote in another AP referendum.
HATSHEPSUT: Ha! Isabella won’t be there for much longer.
AY: Do you or do you not want the war against Frederick to be stopped?
HATSHEPSUT: What do you think, Ay?
AY: The opposite to what you think, which is why I already voted No for you.
HATSHEPSUT: Bravo.

1160AD​

Qin Shi Huang enters Thebes
QIN: Kneel in the presence of the noble Qin, eternal leader of mighty China!
HATSHEPSUT: No, thanks. This is MY palace.
QIN: Oh, fine. In that case, merely accept the offer of 165 gold for your Compass.
HATSHEPSUT: Nice try, Qin. But when making offers, you have to think, “Would I accept that deal?”
QIN: Why does that matter? Egypt should be honoured to accept any deal from mighty China!
HATSHEPSUT: I see Genghis has attacked you again?
QIN: Troublemaker, nothing more. We will crush him, you wait and see, Hatshepsut. (Qin exits)

AY: I wonder if he founded Taoism. It was founded recently, and he is a strong advocate of it.
HATSHEPSUT: You will notice, Ay, that I deliberately negotiated our research path around Philosophy, so I didn’t have to worry about stupid Taoism.
AY: Indicating, you couldn’t give a damn. I get the picture.

1180AD​

Scythe returns from Spain
SCYTHE: That was pretty much as straightforward as it got. They only had about 4 Archers and a couple of Axes.
HATSHEPSUT: Now I have the Buddhist holy city, I could raze it, couldn’t I?
AY: Now hold on . . .
HATSHEPSUT: Burn Madrid to the ground!
AY: NO!
HATSHEPSUT: Why not?
AY: Erm . . . because, if we were correct, it could hold the AP, which means you would be eligible for election (I think).
HATSHEPSUT: They should elect me anyway.
KHALID: With respect, you’ve earned no friends with your warmongering ways, so I don’t think anybody is going to vote for you . . .
HATSHEPSUT: Don’t be an idiot, Khalid. They’re not going to vote for Catherine, are they? That would just be stupid! Mind you, a lot of leaders are stupid. It’s only me that’s got any intelligence. Apart from Louis, he loves me now, he’ll vote for me.
KHALID: Speaking of Louis, I managed to persuade him to donate us his world map, seeing as you haven’t even bothered to explore 6 leagues south of Thebes yet.
HATSHEPSUT: Well, that’s because it’s Barbarian land, and useless. And probably desert.
KHALID: Well, Louis’s map shows us the British Isles, Russia, Germany, the African coast, and parts of the East such as India and China.
HATSHEPSUT: I suppose it’s worth me taking a look.
SCYTHE: We should also attack Russia soon. It’s outdated and weak.
HATSHEPSUT: Our last foe in the west; outdated and weak. What could possibly go wrong?
To be continued . . .

Another stranger meets Hatshepsut for the first time
STRANGER: Welcome, Hatshepsut! May your empire flourish and grow for as long as it remains useful to us! I mean that sincerely.
HATSHEPSUT: Our empire is flourishing and useful without puny Japan, thank you very much.
TOKUGAWA: Yeah, well, Japan might be puny, but it is also honourable.
HATSHEPSUT: It is an honour to have peace with you, then.
TOKUGAWA: Who said anything about peace? I might want to declare war.
HATSHEPSUT: Oh? Go on then.
TOKUGAWA: Erm . . . ok, peace it is. However, Japan will be a threat. Do not underestimate us.
HATSHEPSUT: If I compared your military to couple of Archers, would that be underestimating it?
TOKUGAWA: Erm . . . I’m going now.
(Tokugawa exits)
HATSHEPSUT: It’s a miracle!
KHALID: What?
HATSHEPSUT: Look at the diplomacy screen. As you can see, my wars haven’t gone down too well with the rest of the leaders, for reasons I don’t understand. They must all be peace-loving wimps.
AY: Indeed, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: Anyway, Tokugawa is the only free leader who isn’t Annoyed at me. And normally, we’re sworn enemies! In one game, I tried everything to keep him sweet, gave him techs, spread my religion etc, and he STILL declared war on me within 200 turns. The guy’s akin in my opinion to a certain Meso-American leader, and I’m not talking about Pacal.
KHALID: I doubt it’ll stay that way. He’s not giving Open Borders yet either.
HATSHEPSUT: Bloody hell, Khalid, do you really think I give a damn for some idiot who lives on a small island and won’t let anyone else in? Anyway, he’ll let ME in someday, whether he likes it or not.
(Catherine enters)
HATSHEPSUT: Alright there Cathers, how’s things?
CATHERINE: Not bad, zank you ‘Atshepsut. I thought you might want a little trade vith Russia, as ve have something you may vant.
HATSHEPSUT: Oh yeah? I’ll be the judge of that.
CATHERINE: I see your puny scientists do not know what Theology is, whereas mine have mastered it. I will give you zat plus 50 Gold for ze mere secret of Paper. Note zat I do this not for myself, but to help weaker civilizations, such as Egypt.
HATSHEPSUT: Nice try, Catherine, but unfortunately, our survey said . . . NO DEAL!
CATHERINE: Come on, Hatshepsut.
HATSHEPSUT: Nope, sorry, but Egypt does not trade with people they might or might not attack in a few turns.
CATHERINE: What? You are going to attack us?
HATSHEPSUT: Damn. How did you figure that one out?
CATHERINE: I must go, Hatshepsut. Goodbye! (Catherine exits)
HATSHEPSUT: Man, and I thought I disguised it well.
AY: Yes, very clever, but not clever enough, apparently.
HATSHEPSUT: Ay, I don’t need your criticisms. You wouldn’t have done any better, so SHUT UP!
AY: My lips are sealed, my lady.

1210AD​

Mansa Musa visits Egypt
MANSA: I offer 50 Gold + Theology for your Paper. You won’t get a better deal anywhere else.
HATSHEPSUT: Which is a shame, because it means I can’t trade it.

1220AD​

Scythe has a brief word with Hatshepsut
SCYTHE: Just to tell you, my lady, the German capital of Munich has fell to the Russians.
HATSHEPSUT: That indicates the Russians are winning?
SCYTHE: Erm . . . if you say so.

1230AD​

Egypt proves attractive to a couple of leaders
FREDERICK: Guten Tag, meine Lieblingskaiserin Hatshepsut. Es freut mich, . . .
HATSHEPSUT: What do you want, mortal?
FREDERICK: First, respect.
HATSHEPSUT: Nope. You’ve lacked that for ages.
FREDERICK: Secondly, some land would be nice.
HATSHEPSUT: Go get some, then.
FREDERICK: And thirdly, Open Borders.
HATSHEPSUT: You may have Open Borders . . .
FREDERICK: Oh? Thank you.
HATSHEPSUT: . . . with anybody BUT Egypt. What’s in it for me?
FREDERICK: That’s a very selfish attitude, Hatshepsut.
HATSHEPSUT: Oh really? Thanks.

(Frederick exits, Genghis enters)

KHAN: You have a choice, Hatshepsut.
HATSHEPSUT: It was a tough one, but I voted for not wiping you out this turn. Maybe tomorrow.
KHAN: Either you have Open Borders with Mongolia, or you become a vassal of Mongolia. Both are good choices.
SCYTHE: (yells) Open Borders!
HATSHEPSUT: Hmm, tricky one. I choose vassalising Mongolia.
KHAN: That wasn’t a choice.
HATSHEPSUT: Oh really? I must have misheard. Oh no, I remember, I chose it anyway.
KHAN: Mongolia says your choice is weak.
HATSHEPSUT: Mongolia is the epitomy of weakness. Now bugger off.
KHAN: My horde can already taste the smell of your blood . . . no wait, that isn’t right.
HATSHEPSUT: Soooo intimidating.

1240AD​

Scythe and Hatshepsut are in Berlin
SCYTHE: We are ready to declare war on Catherine.
HATSHEPSUT: Yes! Which city are we capturing first?
SCYTHE: Well, the general Gustavus II Adolphus has ordered for a splinter force to take some of the southern cities, whilst he leads the main campaign in the north. If we’re lucky, we could capture Cumae, Novgorod, Hamburg and St. Petersburg with our first rush.
HATSHEPSUT: No room for luck in a war Scythe.
SCYTHE: I mean, it will undoubtedly happen. No luck involved whatsoever.
HATSHEPSUT: Good. Now send the lads out.
SCYTHE: Lads! Move!

(The army starts to march over the red border, keeping in formation. About ten minutes later Catherine arrives)

CATHERINE: Go on then, sucker. We are ready.
HATSHEPSUT: How ready? Not very, I’d assume. You’re gonna get battered like a fish.
CATHERINE: Just you wait, Hatshepsut.
HATSHEPSUT: No, I’d rather press on, if you don’t mind.
CATHERINE: Really? Bugger. I’d better go, then.

(Catherine leaves)

HATSHEPSUT: And so it begins. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
SCYTHE: We are already getting reports of the troops in Cumae and Hamburg – or lack of them, it appears.
HATSHEPSUT: Fools.

Hatshepsut returns to Thebes, and is met by Qin
QIN: You undoubtedly worship my presence and wonder what you can possibly do to help China, is it not so?
HATSHEPSUT: Not in the mood, Chin.
QIN: Basically, I am offering you a once-in-a-lifetime chance to ally with mighty China against a common enemy. Namely, Genghis Khan and his ragged horde of barbarian scum. So?
HATSHEPSUT: I can wipe out the Mongols whenever, so I’ll pass, seeing as I’m already at war with Catherine, if it’s alright?
QIN: No. It is not alright. You have snubbed China for the last time, Hatshepsut. What a fool you are being.
HATSHEPSUT: Wait! Is there any chance I could change my mind?
QIN: Why, of course.
HATSHEPSUT: I’ll save it for later, then. For now, bugger off back to China.
QIN: I will, it’s much nicer than Egypt anyway.

(Qin exits)

HATSHEPSUT: So guys, what have I got to hear today?
AY: Firstly, the Apostolic Palace would like your view on a resolution they were thinking of passing.
HATSHEPSUT: What kind of resolution?
AY: They want you to, essentially, surrender the city of Berlin to Frederick.
HATSHEPSUT: Ha! No chance. I vote no.
AY: I would warn you, if you do that, they’re likely to pass it anyway.
HATSHEPSUT: What? I’m not in control of whether my empire secedes or not? Man, this Apostolic Palace is getting annoying.
AY: Well, you could always defy the resolution. But your people would think less of you.
HATSHEPSUT: No they wouldn’t, Ay. I’m exempt from normal rules, being me. I vote Never! Right, what’s next?
SCYTHE: War!
HATSHEPSUT: We’re already AT war, you fool, we’re not going to war with someone else too.
SCYTHE: No, I meant, War Update!
HATSHEPSUT: Oh yeah. Go on then, and make it good.
SCYTHE: It is good. The northern army, under the legendary Knight Gustavus II Adolphus, made light work of the Hamburg defenses and captured the city without losing a unit.
HATSHEPSUT: Brilliant stuff, Scythe.
SCYTHE: That’s not all. The southern stack took Cumae, also with few losses, and razed it flat. It was pretty much an unnecessary city.
HATSHEPSUT; Fair play to them as well. But keep on going.
SCYTHE: Of course.

1260AD​

Khalid informs Hatshepsut of the latest world events
KHALID: DID you know, Hatshepsut, that Frederick capitulated to Russia this morning?
HATSHEPSUT: What the HELL? I’m taking Russian cities in my stride, wiping out all Catherine’s units, capturing her Empire, and all her forces are in Germany?
KHALID: Frankly, I’m surprised the Germans were willing to capitulate, seeing as they are now at war with us, a far greater power.
HATSHEPSUT: I know. Catherine’s cute little archers are but a light snack to one of my knights. It’s ridiculous. Oh well. It doesn’t really affect us that much anyway, we can take Germany, whenever we feel like it.
KHALID: Not that you’re at all arrogant, my lady.