The Simpsons - A Civ Tale

Narrator: The year is 4000 AD, and a new city by the name of Springfield has been built in the wilderness. The people rejoiced, for finally they would cast off their barbaric ways and build what the scientists were dubbing a “civilization”. But who would lead them on their glorious quest? One man must answer the call. One man must use his wisdom, intelligence, courage, cunningness, and sometimes his compassion, to make strategic decisions that would grow Springfield into a city of might. That man……………is HOMER SIMPSON!

He had dreams of one day reaching the stars……ah who was he kidding, he would never travel into space!

When word reached other barbarians of this attempt to build a civilization, they laughed it off, “Oh, they think they are INtelligent CANnibals…..HA HA HA HA HA”. Using this mockery as fuel for his fire, Homer defiantly named his people the INCANs. They are an aggressive group, with a love for battle and a genius for financial gain. Their warriors are fierce and have been dubbed “Quechua”. Word had spread that a new discovery allows warriors to shoot pointed sticks at the enemy from afar. Outraged by this cowardly way of fighting, the Quechua have made a solemn vow to destroy these so called “Archers” at any cost.

In his effort to lead Springfield Homer has assembled a band of trusty advisors:

Domestic Advisor – Marge Simpson – My goal is to make sure all of my cities are happy and healthy. I’ll be keeping close eye on them to be sure we are sending enough soldiers out for Bart to play with, and keeping money flowing in so Lisa can keep on top of her studies.

Finance Advisor – Mr. Burns – I’ll be ruling the coffers with an iron fist. My secret goal is to sell Springfield to the Germans for a pretty penny, then buy it back a few turns later for half the price when they find out what a mess Homer has made of it.

Civic Advisor – Mayor Quimby – I uh, will be making sure the cities are full of beautiful women to uh, keep the people happy. Burns won’t notice if I skim a little off the top.

Foreign Advisor – Apu – I speak many languages and will help Homer converse with other nations. We can rule the world through peaceful negotiation and earning the respect of other rulers. All transactions will be concluded with a friendly “Thank you, come again”

Military Advisor – Bart Simpson – Carnage….mayhem….pillaging…..bwa ha ha ha ha!

Science Advisor – Lisa Simpson – Homer might not think we can make it to the stars, but it is my goal to get us there. Surely this would cause all others to bow down to our genius and acknowledge us as rightful rulers of the world.

Religious Advisor – Ned Flanders – We are going to have a goo-diddly-ood time making sure the people worship the gods. Temples in every city, missionaries to spread the faith…..whooo…I am getting dizzy thinking about it….

Homer: Shut up Flanders. Lisa tells me the year is 4000 BC, and the city of Springfield is founded. I’ll hire an artist to create a crude stone drawing of our soon to be impressive village.

Homer: Woo Hoo! Floods plains as far as the eye can see.

Burns: Don’t forget about the gold nearby. Let’s research mining and start making money $$

Homer: We will build Springfield as quickly as possible. Once we get three citizens in the fields we’ll train a worker to build some farms and a settler. Our second city will be built nearby on the river to let it grow quickly too.

Lisa: Let’s research a religion, that will give Ned something to do.

Bart: I have sent “Nelson” a fierce Quechua to scout nearby lands.

Ned: Word has reached Springfield that a religion called Buddhism has been founded. Some years later we have our own religion. I wanted to call our religion Christianity, but I lost a bet with Apu. As payment he demanded we call it Hinduism. The rest of the world will call it that, but deep down I’ll know the truth.

Bart: Nelson has reported back that he has encountered a civilization called the “Romans to our northeast. The prophets have told me that Caesar will one day build a warrior called a “Praetorian” that will be our bane. We should crush them quickly.

Homer: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Let’s build up three cities to have three citizens each. It shouldn’t take long with all the flood plains and extra food. While they are growing we will build barracks. After that we will start training Quechua. They are easier to train than an Archer, who will probably be the defenders of Rome until they discover metals. When we tell the troops the Romans are using the hated Archers their battle fury should allow us to overrun the city. Nelson, continue to explore while we set our plan in motion, and Lisa will work on teaching us about metals so we can be prepared if the war against Rome escalates.

Lisa: We've already uncovered another religion, "Judaism". When I told Ned he just mumbled something under his breath and stormed off....

Funny that your username is based on Futurama

Anyway, great going so far Glad to see the some of the first real "Story Reports" in Civ 4. Keep it up!

Bart: Word from Nelson is that he encountered a small village of hostile warriors but was able to defeat them. He also made contact with “Germany” further to the east, followed by “Malinese”. As he explored northward from his eastern position he managed to swipe some gold from a small village and escaped before they caught him! Far to the northeast he encountered “India”. Since Nelson is so far to the northeast let’s send Jimbo out to the west to search for riches.

Jimbo: A friendly village provided me with a Scout, Millhouse, to further help us explore! He discovered some gold in a nearby village and the last I saw him he was headed north.

Millhouse: Report from the field - Lion Attack….STOP….Survived, Healing, Pushing Northward.

Homer: Hmm, never knew the little runt had it in him. I thought those lions would tear him to shreds.

Milhouse: Report from the field - Americans North…STOP…Two Lion Attacks…STOP…Am I cursed?

Ned: Good news Homer! “Hinduism” (snicker) has spread. Soon all people will join us in praise of the one true religion. It’ll be fine and dandy like cotton candy!

Lisa: We have just uncovered new secrets. The scientists working on the project say that Confusionism is the one true religion.

Ned: Drat those He-diddly-eathens!

Bart: We received word that hostile barbarians overtook Millhouse but that his encounters with the lions made his muscles lean and stringy in their stew. They request that we fatten up our next scout before sending him out to die. Also, our Quechua are growing weary of waiting…

Homer: Tomorrow we march on Rome! Tonight, we do the hustle! WOO HOO!

Bart: I have asked our Axeman “Barnie” to lead our forces. I have had an artist prepare a portrait of our march.

Marge: Tell them not to forget a change of underwear! Those Romans wear nothing under their Togas…..ewwww…

Barnie: Rome is under siege. The Archers are entrenched defenders and are backed by Spearmen but they are no match for our Quechua fury.

Moe: Ha. Stupid Romans. Let’s wipe those wine drinking, toga wearers from the map.

Barnie: THEY DRINK WINE!!! BASTARDS!! YAAAARGGHHH!

Moe: Uh….bad news Bart. Barnie was killed on an ill advised charge against the Archers. Casualties were heavy, but the city is ours!

Burns: Excellent!

Quimby: Send uh, 20 Roman maids to Springfield immediately for initiation into Incan culture.

Ned: Finally! We see the light! Christianity is founded in Rome. Those Romans are an advanced civilization!

Love the usage of Simpsons in this story ? I may have to start a Friends series when I get my hands on Civ4

WHy do'nt you rename your cities/units?

What about Ogdenville and Shelbyville?

Name some of your cities that.

Bart: Secure Rome. We are sending fresh troops toward Cumae, once Rome is under control we will leave a garrison there and send the rest of the troops to join the siege.

Marge: Homie…A barbarian city has been spotted in the South. Those barbarians are so untidy!

Homer: DOH-eth! Bart, divert some forces south, I want that city taken also.

Bart: Both cities are now under our control. My empire….I mean….your empire is growing Homer.

Marge: Enough fighting! Springfield is a cesspool. I want this place cleaned up pronto!

Bart: No Dad! We have chased the Romans into the jungles to the North. We need to wipe up their two remaining cities.

Homer: Listen to your mother boy! There is no iron or copper in the jungles. The Romans pose no threat.

Burns: Let them dangle in the wind….slowly…slowly….thinking they are secure…as all the while we remain ready to pounce!

Lisa: Now that we are in a time of peace let’s use our war drums for other purposes! I have recently discovered Music and a Great Artist “Disco Stu” has joined Springfield.

Disco Stu: Disco Stu likes disco music.

Homer: What the hell is disco? Change your name to Homer, all great men will now be named Homer. Go build a disco hall in Cumae, that great work will let us control the lands all around and keep some Iron away from the enemy.

Bart: Homer, we need to do something about the Malinese. They built a city south of Cumae and is awfully close to our borders. If we are going to expand we’ll need to deal with him sooner or later.

Lisa: We don’t need to expand. With our surplus of gold we can research technologies and conquer the stars.

Apu: Or rule the world through peaceful negotiations.

Bart: I heard that Germans are great beer makers, but if you don’t want to have our civilization border theirs then we’ll let others control that territory.

Homer: Sound the war drums! MMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmm…..beer.

Bart: Niani was no match for our military might. Our troops are gaining valuable experience with every battle. No other nation will have troops as battle ready as the Inca!

Lisa: We have developed a new technology that lets us throw objects high into the air. With this we hope to reach the moon. Ralph Wiggum has been selected as the first to ride into space.

Homer: What say you Ralph?

Ralph: My cat's breath smells like cat food.

Homer: How about we use it to throw big rocks at Walata instead?

Bart: Great idea Homer! Walata has fallen under our control!

Um...your research is at 0%? Not a good idea in this game. Research is a lot more important in Civ IV than in Civ III.
Maybe your increased maintenance is the result of having too many cities near the begining of the game?

Good idea about renaming. I am already well into this game though, maybe next time.

I had research at 0 for a few turns to get $ to upgrade my Quenchua to Axemen. They all had a lot of experience (as you can see) so I wanted to keep them fighting!

You can actually rename your units right now Just click on their name on the bottom-left box of the interface. It'd be fun to see a scout named Nelson.

Hm, yeah, good point on the upgrades. You seem to love war

Keep it up! Funny stuff.

Love it! It's great to read this story while imagining the characters' voices. I'm kicking myself that I didn't think of it first!

|337! Simpsons! w00t!

I have about another 1000 years played, I just need to post the screenshots and writeup when I get home from work.

I thought it was hilarious that my great artist was actually named Homer (I didn't change the name)

Needless to say, I opened a can of whoop on the AI. FYI - Noble Level