SGOTM 10 Final Spoiler - You did beat the barbs ... didn't you?

[AlanH]

Here is the final spoiler thread for SGOTM 10.

Tell us all about how you destroyed the barbs and freed the world of their tyranny

[CommandoBob]

‘Land Ho!’ cried Niklas and pointed. ‘Two points off the starboard bow and three leagues downwind.’

‘Huh!’ asked Marc Aurel.

‘He means over-that-a-way,’ said zyxy helpfully. ‘And not too far, either.’

‘But not close enough,’ said the skinniest aboard the boat. ‘You there,’ pointing to Marc, McLMan, azzaman333 and CommandoBob, ‘grab oars and start to paddle. I want to be on dry land by noon.’

Slowly the men paddled and by noon the boat was beached on the coast and the seven people had climbed atop of a near by hill. By nightfall they had made crude shelters and started a fire.

As they huddled around the campfire all were silent. The wrath of the thin one was still in flames and no one wanted to be burned. Again.

‘We must know what happened,’ said Niklas. ‘We are your closest and most trusted friends. We cannot help you if you do not reveal what the events of that night.’

The person spoken to was still mad and reluctant to speak, but knew the time had come to speak.

‘I am Elizabeth of England,’ said the person and paused.

<OK,> thought azzaman333, <we have a name. Finally. So what?>

<Elizabeth. Elizabeth? That’s a strange name for a dude.> thought McLMan.

‘I am a woman,’ said Elizabeth.

‘You are? I mean, yes, I see that you are,’ said CommandoBob, jumping to his feet. ‘Well, I mean I take your word that you’re a woman ‘cause I don’t see any of the obvious outward physical manifestations that are normally associated with womanhood and I didn’t knooow uh ah oops I think I’ll go off and die now.’

‘Please forgive him,’ said Niklas quickly. ‘He has not been himself lately…’

‘There is nothing to forgive,’ replied Elizabeth with a hint of a smile in her voice. ‘He speaks the truth but intends no hurt. And while I do not lack the outward physical manifestations of womanhood, as he puts it, they do exist, even if they are less prominent on me than upon others of my sex. I assure you I am fully woman.’

<Well, that explains all the nasty, cutting remarks on the boat,> thought McLMan. <Just a woman being a woman.>

‘Y-y-yes, I’m sure,’ stuttered the relieved CommandoBob. ‘I did not mean to call that into question. But if I may be permitted, has someone else been less kind than I in describing thy womanhood?’

Quick as a flash Elizabeth was standing next to CommandoBob, ‘What do you mean by that?’ she asked in angry, tense voice.

‘I mean that if some lowly cur has caused thee pain by mocking thy petite breasts I would consider it an honor, a duty and a privilege to visit death and destruction upon such a person.’

‘You would?’ she replied in a small, shocked and yet pleased voice.

‘And I!’ exclaimed Marc Aurel, thinking <clever, little brown noser>.

‘I also,’ declared Niklas.

‘Me, too!’ ‘I’d love to help!’ ‘Count me in.’

‘Well, since you have all been so gallant, without even knowing transpired, I must tell you,’ said Elizabeth. ‘Dr. Evil, of the Barbarian Nation, had indicated that he had seen my picture and wanted to meet me and marry me. I know that is a very strange tale, but my father had done the same thing, much to his regret. I did not know which picture he had and knew I would look less than any picture of me. Yet I went. I was blindfolded most of the way and know not whence way we went. When we arrived a great feast was prepared and I met Dr. Evil and his friend of sorts, a man-like creature with a soft, high voice called Michael Jackson. The repast was fine and I retired to my lodgings a great while later. As I was changing into my night clothes Dr. Evil came bursting into the room. He stopped with a shocked look on his face and pointed at me and asked ‘What are those?’ And before I could reply he cried, ‘You’re a girl! Nooo! And I thought I liked you!’ Now he became wroth and began calling for his minions to lay hands upon me and take me away posthaste, which they did. Blindfolded, they led me away, partially clothed and threw me into the sea. The next thing I know I am in thy boat and at thy mercy and that we came hither hence. And now you know the tale.’

<Sounds fishy to me,> thought Niklas, <but after pandering to that wimpy Gandhi for over half a year, I’m ready to crack some skulls.>

<English! She’s one of my people. Let’s help her out and beat the living snot out of this Dr. Evil guy,> thought zyxy.

<Now what have I done?> CommandoBob asked himself. <I royally stuck my foot in my mouth and in trying to remove it I have just pledged to fight to the death for Lizzie the Flat-Chested and her Bumps of Honor!>

Slowly CommandoBob looked at McLMan, azzaman333 and Marc Aurel and measured the strength and resolve in their eyes. He turned to zyxy and saw the rage in his cheeks. He eyed Niklas and saw him give his head a small nod. Lastly he turned to face Elizabeth and saw the anger and hurt in her eyes.

‘My queen,’ he said heavily, dropping to one knee, ‘we are Team Smurkz. We will avenge thee.’

[CommandoBob]

‘Milord Niklas, we have two cases for you to decide before your next meeting,’ said the doorman.

‘Send ‘em in,’ growled Niklas as he put down the quill pen. And tried not to sneeze as the feather brushed his nose.

‘Here they are, milord,’ said the guard. ‘This one, named Dennis, complains about ‘outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society’, whatever that may mean.’ The other one….’

‘I’ll tell you what it means,’ began Dennis, until the guard silenced him with a kick.

‘Sorry, milord, but once he gets started you can’t shut him up. You just wait and see.’

‘Yes, I shall. Now what about this other one.’

‘Oh, Frontal Coker. He’s a strange one he is, has troubles walking and seems dazed. I think he is crazy,’ said the guard.

‘Well, Frontal Coker, if that is your name, I am Lord Niklas of Smurkz, advisor to Elizabeth, Queen of England. Where are you from?’

‘S-s-smirks’ said Frontal Coker. ‘Smiirrkss. Ah. Yes. Smurkz.’

‘Yes, I am from Smurkz. Where are you from?’ asked Niklas again.

‘I am from a different place. The same and yet different. A place where…’ And here Coker paused and straightened up and stood taller.

‘Where what?’ asked Niklas crossly.

‘Where,’ said Coker, a little bit stronger than before.

‘Yes.’

‘Where I said,’ boomed Coker, ‘"One of these days, Ghandi, one of these days ... bang, zoom, Straight to the MOON!" ‘

‘What?’ cried Niklas, recognizing the words. ‘ControlFreak!’

‘Yes,’ said the former Frontal Coker, ‘I am ControlFreak and I have come to play.’

[CommandoBob]

Side by side Niklas and ControlFreak made their way to the meeting.

‘Oh, yes, we could use you. We’ve got an update meeting, and maybe this time we can find out something. Are you ready for it?’ asked Niklas.

‘Yes, I think so. I just have to unlearned all that Play the World stuff. This is so familiar, yet it doesn’t feel right.’

‘I know. You, me and CommandoBob, too, have all jumped up to Conquests. Zyxy was already here. And, well, it is different. I don’t know how well we are doing, but we will learn and carry on.’

‘So what are we up against this time?’

‘CommandoBob talked us into ridding this world of someone named Dr. Evil and his Barbarian Empire. We thought it would be different from that Gandhi fiasco, but it hasn’t worked out that way,’ said Niklas.

‘CommandoBob talks?’ asked ControlFreak.

‘Well, listens. Elizabeth has taken a liking to him, so he is gone a lot.’

‘So what do we know about this Dr. Evil fellow?’

‘That’s part of the problem, we just don’t know. We hear rumors, but no facts. He seems to be more legend than a real person. We’ve met our neighbors and while they don’t like him they don’t say much more than that. We’ve got ships out looking for him and exploring. We’re busy doing all the things we should but we still need more information.’

‘So we know nothing about him but we want to get rid of him. Great.’ Growled ControlFreak.

‘Let’s hope we learn something today,’ said Niklas as he opened the door to the meeting room. ‘No news is not good news.’

With this he ushered ControlFreak into the meeting room, where a large circular table took up most of the space.

‘A round table?’ exclaimed ControlFreak. ‘What a cliché. How unexpected that we, being English, would have a round table. Who would have thought of that?’

‘Hush. I think it is a bit extravagant but zyxy got this in as part of the trade of Alphabet to the Mayans. It has its uses. And he is proud of it. He even carved his name into it. See, right here,’ said Niklas pointing to a place on the table. Bending over ControlFreak read ‘zyxy was here 2310 BC.’

At this time other doors opened into the room and people began to stream in. Niklas and ControlFreak sat down and continued their discussion as the room filled. Their catching up was ended when slightly pudgy man with glasses entered the room and began banging on the table.

‘Alright, alright, let’s get this thing started. First thing is roll call, to see if we’re all here. I think I’m here, are you? Zyxy?’ asked CommandoBob.

‘I’m not here.’

‘Great. Marc Aurel?’

‘Am I supposed to be here?’

‘Of course not. McLMan?

‘I’m in CIV.’

‘Lucky you. Azzaman333?’

‘Uh…’

‘Good enough. Niklas?

‘Oh, I’m definitely not here and I have brought someone to prove that.’

‘Great. Introduce your guest.’

‘This is our newest member of the Smurkz Council. Allow me to introduce you to ControlFreak, Master of Micromanaging!’

‘What?? I mean, ControlFreak, yerback! Great! I know you’ll be a big help to us. Let me bring you up to speed on where we are.

‘I’ve just ended my turns. We became a Republic back in 1175 BC. The year now is 1000 BC. We have seven cities and we are in the capital city of Smurkzdon. We have 192 gold and 93 land tiles. We have the same number of cities as Sumeria and the same land area as the Incas. We are currently at -21 gpt.

‘We had on small boat out exploring, the Huzzah, and it was lost at sea. One of our own people, Sir Robin the Not-Quite-So-Brave-as-Sir Launcelot, was aboard the Huzzah, and we suspect that he too is lost.’

‘What of his minstrels?’ asked Marc Aurel.

‘We fear that they have suffered the same fate as Sir Robin.’

‘Well, first we get a new team mate and now we learn that Robin’s minstrels are lost at sea. Any more good news?’

‘Yes. Sir Robin’s minstrels were lost at sea. Which is sort of sad, I had wanted to give them to Dr Evil as a gift from the English people. After all, we’re already at war.’

At this point one of the meeting doors burst open and the Agitator Dennis rushed in, followed by guards chasing him. The guards stopped when they entered the room but Dennis jumped up on the table, where he began to address the meeting.

‘We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class...’

zyxy jumped up on the table with his sword drawn and his eyes red.

‘Dennis of Palin, you have been warned before. There we be no escape this time,’ he said.

‘Oh,’ said Dennis, never at a loss for words, 'Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed!’

McLMan had now risen and had drawn his bow with an arrow pointing at the agitator.

‘Dennis of Palin, hear my words well.' He paused. ‘NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition.’

This startled Dennis into silence. ‘S-s-sspanish Inquisition?’ he managed to ask at last.

‘Fear and Surprise, Dennis, Fear and Surprise. Now your choices You decide. The Spanish Inquisition. Searching for Sir Robin. Or certain death now,’ said McLMan.

Dennis looked around the room and saw no sympathy. ‘Ah, do I have to look for Sir Robin’s minstrels?’

‘Bring them back and they shall be your minstrels,’ Niklas warned.

‘And you might want to watch out for this Dr. Evil character. He has some strange ideas on government. I understand he has a certain fondness for “anarcho-syndicalist communes” ’ added CommandoBob.

‘Oh, he does, does he? Yes,’ said Dennis, staring at zyxy’s drawn sword, still inches away from his throat. ‘I would most certainly avoid him. Um, when can I leave?’

‘Within the hour. McLMan and zyxy will be your escort and Azzaman333 and Marc Aurel will lead you to a ship. Now go,’ said CommandoBob.

The agitator turned spy was escorted to the docks by four members of the Smurkz Council, leaving Niklas, ControlFreak and CommandoBob alone in the large room.

‘Well, even if it costs us a ship, his departure will make war weariness much easier to bear. By the way ControlFreak, did Niklas tell you we are making war plans? You came back at the right time.’

’So I see. Now tell me more about the state of England, if you please. And our enemies, of course.’

’Guards,’ bellowed Niklas. ‘We need pizza, candles and bedding. We’re gonna be here a long time.’

[CommandoBob]

Niklas and ControlFreak met just outside the doors leading to the great meeting room. Neither one was quite ready to enter. They went outside to the gardens and walked the pathways as they talked.

‘So you found him,’ said ControlFreak.

‘I found what was left of him. That mountain took quite a beating when you tore apart the 15th Barbarian Guards. And it had been pounded by other Guards since then. The fortifications were still in place, but not nearly as strong as before. When I got there it was too late. The army was gone, pounded to a pulp by the Guards and then routed by some archers. I located his body by the gold medallion he got from Gyathaar in SGOTM 9. And I managed to bring back his personal log of those days.’

‘And...’

‘CommandoBob is dead. And, well, to be blunt, he died uselessly. He built a good place to kill Barbarian units heading to the Stronghold and even has plans on where to pillage the farms around the Stronghold. He got the railways started overseas, and not a moment too soon. He just could not grasp the fact that that mountain did not need to be defended. He saw the units being ground up and wanted to pull back, but did not think he could.’

‘Why not? Surely he could see…’ began ControlFreak.

‘Yes, he could see the futility of staying on the mountain. But we never told him that he could leave the mountain.’

‘But…, well…, he could have asked!’

‘Yes, he could have, but he did not. He was too eager to fight and we were too busy to tell him how to fight and where to fight. Now he is gone, along with our only Army, a good number of Cavalry and some Pikes. We lost units senselessly and only pin-pricked the Reds in return. Which of course delays our assault on the Red Capital, while we rebuild the units we lost.’

‘But you got things back in order, didn’t you?’

‘Yes, but they should not have been out of order. We all three helped make this mess, you, me and CB. He was acting when he should have asking. We were silent when we should have been speaking. We are all responsible for his death and yet not responsible.’

Niklas paused and continued.

‘We cannot undo our past mistakes. We can only learn from them, as CB tried to do. We cannot allow this lack of communication to continue or we will lose even more units and time. I know all of us have other duties outside of these stone walls, but once we enter into this building we must talk to each other. Which means that you and I must set the pace and be the example, until this Dr. Evil is destroyed.’

‘Yeah, I see that,’ said ControlFreak. ‘Okay, CommandoBob is dead and I am sorry to see him go. But as you pointed out, we still have a job to do. We will mourn him later. Who is next Prime Minister?’

‘McLMan takes over now,’ said Niklas.

‘Can he do the job?’

‘I think so. He led the war when we destroyed the Incas back 290 BC and he built Toe Hold not too long ago. He knows how to fight, but we need to teach him about short-rushing production to make troops faster. We don’t have time to just let the Cavs be built from scratch, it would take too long. This is a rather new concept to him, but I think he will catch on.’

‘And if not?’ growled ControlFreak.

‘Then it is just you and me to carry on. Azzaman333 disappeared in 350 AD. Marc Aurel has acquitted himself well, but been silent since 650 AD and zyxy is crossing the English Channel to move home. It is now 900 AD and CommandoBob is dead.’

‘Yes, he is. And I find it strange that we don’t want to avenge him.’

‘You don’t avenge a useless death. You avenge a Pearl Harbor or 9/11. You don’t avenge self inflicted stupid mistakes. We will learn from his death, but we will not avenge it.’

They walked in silence for a while, each alone in their own thoughts, and then ControlFreak spoke.

‘Uh, Niklas, who is going to tell Elizabeth about CommandoBob?’

A visible shudder shook Niklas’ frame as he realized she had not yet been told. And then with his first smile in many days, he turned and said, ‘Who else but his successor, Lord McLMan?’

[CommandoBob]

‘Lord McLMan, you are so right’, said ControlFreak, as they gazed on the rubble that was once the glory of the Barbarian Nation. ‘It does look like Barad-dur.’

The Great Library, the Sistine Chapel and Leonardo’s Workshop had been built in the sheltered valley below, along with the great mystery, Technology Thieves. All had been protected by a ring of mountains that bordered the initial city radius. And inside that radius the land was very good. Wheat, wine, furs, cattle and iron had been available from the start, and the mountains themselves held coal and abundant supplies of gold. The river that ran north and south was just now running clear again.

‘Yes, but we had no magic ring to destroy,’ said McLMan. ‘No cunning plan of guile. No sleight of hand show. Just straightforward destruction.’

‘Which you both did quite well,’ said Niklas. ‘Lord McLMan, you took this city with less casualties than when Lord ControlFreak destroyed the 15th Barbarian Guards back in 750 AD. And after that it was all downhill for the Reds. They had no special science tricks, no allies and their most fearsome unit had been unmasked and understood. From then on it was just precision attacks and excellent micro-management. Railing wisely and quickly. Then getting the cavalry across the water and up to the front lines on those rails. I know it sounds trite, but ‘Good Job’ to you both.

‘In fact, we now have a Team Smurkz logo idea you might want to consider adding to you own avatar. I can’t remember whose idea it was, but it does serve to identify us.’

‘Thank you,’ said McLMan. ‘I’m sure I’ll add it to my avatar. But for now what do we do about her ?’ jerking his head back over his shoulder.

Behind them Elizabeth was putting flowers onto a mound that she thought was CommandoBob’s grave. McLMan hadn’t told the others yet that it was only a short ditch latrine, not a grave. He had only placed the grave marker last night after they arrived.

‘Well, you’ve handled her quite well, it appears,’ said Niklas.

‘Handled? Handled? Endured describes it better. I don’t know how CB did it, but I can understand why he tried to get away. She talks non-stop about her fingernails and the burden and responsibility of being a woman in a man’s world and her bodily functions and toilet time experiences. She talks about her feelings and how everyone else has flaws but she doesn’t. Talk, talk, talk and don’t dare interrupt.’ He shook his head angrily.

‘I did find a letter that CB had started before he came over here. It was stuffed between the cushions of a chair. It was addressed to “Elizabeth, Founder and CEO of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee”. In that letter,’ began McLMan.

‘Listen, everyone, about basis for a system of government,’ yelled a voice off in the distance. ‘I’m telling you that Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from...’

‘Dennis!’ screeched a feminine voice behind them, loud enough to silence the speaker. The three lords turned around to see Elizabeth running down the hill to where the speaker was. Hurriedly, they followed behind her.

‘Dennis, is that you? Is that really you? Tell me that it is,’ cried Elizabeth as she stopped in front of the speaker.

‘Liz? My own flesh and blood? Lizzie! Of course it’s me, who else could it be?’ said Dennis of Palin.

‘I haven’t seen you in ages. What have you been doing with yourself? Here, lets find a place in the shade and get caught up with each other. I mean, there hasn’t been anyone at all like you in my life…’ began Elizabeth as she took Dennis by the arm and led him off to a near by stream.

The three lords stood stunned as the couple walked away from them.

‘Did you hear him? ”My own flesh and blood”?’ Do you think they are…married? And wouldn’t that make him king?’ asked a trembling McLMan.

‘Ah, they could just be brother and sister,’ said ControlFreak. ‘In that case Dennis would be a…something; I don’t know what.’

‘It doesn’t matter,’ said Niklas in a rush, ‘We are not staying around to find out. We pledged with CommandoBob to rid this world of Dr. Evil. It is 1090 AD and we have done that.

‘We’re outtahere.’

[Capt Buttkick]