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[goodbye_mr_bond]

T h e F a n a t i c a T i m e s

Sunday, April 21, 1615

PRESIDENT KEV's FAVORITIST GAFFE INCITES PELLAKEN BAY RESIDENTS!

AP. Pellaken Bay. A small but unruly crowd of demonstrators made their way down Main Street today, in protest against what they call "blatant favoritism" on the part of the President. This was started, they say, by comments made by the president to one of his close friends and political allies, Mr. Leowind. President Kev is alleged, by several reliable sources, to have told Mr. Leowind that he was being saved a choice location for his namesake city, because--as one source who wishes to remain nameless is quoted as saying--"Kev simply likes him better."

In fact, this reporter has secured the contents of a leaked memo written by the President himself to Citizen Leowind, which seems to corroborate these allegations. It states, partly:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...The only reason I've not named a city after you yet is that I wanted to give your namesake a very nice location. The most recent ones have been more "filler" cities and will overlap with others and have limited growth...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. R. Weimar, long-time resident of Pellaken Bay and one of the chief protesters, replies: "We are very upset that the President seems to be implying that some cities of the realm, such as Pellaken Bay, Thunder Falls, etc, are somehow less important--"fillers" if you will--in the Empire."

"Perhaps," another angry-looking protestor quickly chimed in, "we would be considered more important to the Chinese!" Although police were called to the scene, demonstrators remained defiant. They are demanding an immediate apology and full retraction of the statement. Some bystanders were heard to comment that perhaps President Kev had begun to outlive his usefulness. The President's office was unavailable for comment.
--gmb

 

[goodbye_mr_bond]

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR:

Official reply from the president's office:

It's true.

Although Pellaken was a former president/vp/science minister, his desertion of United Fanatica at its time of need forced my hand. His efforts earned him a city namesake, but he's just lucky that I couldn't find a swamp-infested 2-tile island to stick a city.

Mr. Leowind has carried on his support of United Fanatica in the face of mass exodus. This has earned him the right to have a high-potential city to be named in his honor.

Wait until you see the hunk-of-crap city that I'm going to name after Mr. Bond.

And I'd like to finally add: Bite me.

President Kev
1660

 

[Kev]

Hey! You forgot the smile faces!

Dang jingoistic press.

 

[goodbye_mr_bond]

EDITORIAL:

This is it, folks. As we have seen over the past couple of decades, our esteemed leader, El Presidente Kev, has finally begun to show his true colours under the bright searching lights of our new democracy. Is the burder of true accountability beginning to wear down his once-proud demeanor? Has the long-awaited arrival on the scene of a strong and free press been the catalyst that will change him from hero of the realm to two-bit despot?

This loose cannon has achieved great things for our proud nation--this is true. But his latest tirades against this paper, our bastion of truth, not to mention his direct insult to the citizens of our lesser-populated cities, have revealed him to be a quite different man from our once-respected Minister of the Interior.

What should be done, my fellow citizens? Can there be that someone may one day rise to the challenge and take on this megalomaniac before the sun begins to set on the mighty United Fanatica Empire?

Keep your eyes and opinions on this thread... The voice of the people, by the people, for the people.

goodbye_mr_bond
Editor-in-chief,
The Fanatica Times

 

[goodbye_mr_bond]

ERRATA:

It has been brought to our attention that the above letter from President Kev has been misprinted. It is missing the following official presidential smiley-faces:

Official reply from the president's office:

It's true.

Although Pellaken was a former president/vp/science minister, his desertion of United Fanatica at its time of need forced my hand. His efforts earned him a city namesake, but he's just lucky that I couldn't find a swamp-infested 2-tile island to stick a city. :fish:

Mr. Leowind has carried on his support of United Fanatica in the face of mass exodus. This has earned him the right to have a high-potential city to be named in his honor.

Wait until you see the hunk-of-crap city that I'm going to name after Mr. Bond.

And I'd like to finally add: Bite me. :finger:

President Kev
1660

We at The Fanatica Times deeply apologize for our former misrepresentation of the president's position.

Yours,
goodbye_mr_ombudsman
The Fanatica Times

 

[duke o' york]

Originally printed in The Fanatica Times:
.. strong and free press.... bastion of truth.... voice of the people, by the people, for the people...

You seem to be awfully keen on saying that you have a free voice here. I am beginning to be suspicious of your intents. Given your sycophantic reviews of all the shows on the Fox network then I suspect that this organ is nothing more than the tool of that terrible Mr Murdoch from the distant English colonies. More investigation to follow on this questionable rabble-rousing rag....

 

[Dell19]

It took me ages to get a city named after me, but at least its in quite a nice spot...My own island and nice and close to the capital, where I still seem to live.

 

[goodbye_mr_bond]

EDITORIAL:

Dear average citizen of the U.F. (you know who you are (literallly )). It has become painfully obvious that our democratic principles are under attack from every corner of the Presidential Palace. In the meagre few days since its inception, this paper has been under constant lambast by the powers-that-be. And why?

Could it be that The Fanatica TimesTM is bringing a fresh new perspective to what has been, with no apparent hint of sarcasm, until now referred to as the "Democracy" Game?

Could it be that I, a humble yet devilishly handsome and outspoken citizen of our great empire, have been unfairly singled out for abuse for doing no more than speaking what is on the mind of every right-thinking citizen of this realm? That President Kev and his entire cabinet are nothing more than corrupt, city-naming-after-themselves-weinies? And is that even a word?

They accuse me of jingoism and slander. The Duke o' York himself has even gone so far as to insinuate that my organ is somehow in cahoots with Mr. Murdoch's English tool. But don't be fooled, my friends--these baseless attacks aren't just upon me personally. The existence of every member in the land has been questioned, and believe me, dear citizen, our answer must be firm! It must spill forth and lubricate the very freedom of speech we have worked so long to engender in the annals of our great history!

So I implore you, each and every one, to write your thoughts here--the voice of true Fanaticans from cities big and small. The Fanatica Times is here for you, and for the ascendancy of tuth.

goodbye_mr_bond
Editor-in-chief,
The Fanatica Times

EDIT: Further refined the truth.

 

[duke o' york]

Originally printed in the Fanatica Times:
..The existence of every member in the land has been questioned..

I don't know how you damned reporters got into that fascinating conversation I was having with M. Sartre but I'm afraid it's all true! You just can't escape press attention these days, even to share a glass of absinthe with an old friend!

Will future editions of our national journal be featuring a crossword, or a comic strip, or a TV guide? How are the Athenae Dodgers faring in their championship play-off against the Pornstar Pornstars? I'm having trouble getting the game on my radio because it hasn't been invented yet.

 

[Dell19]

We could have a sports section but it all depends on how much Mr Goodbye can be bothered to do...

 

[Leowind]

Originally posted by goodbye_mr_bond
EDITORIAL:

Dear average citizen of the U.F. (you know who you are (literallly )). ...

So I implore you, each and every one, to write your thoughts here--the voice of true Fanaticans from cities big and small. The Fanatica Times is here for you, and for the ascendancy of tuth.

goodbye_mr_bond
Editor-in-chief,
The Fanatica Times

EDIT: Further refined the truth.

Dear Editor,

As I am, I believe, the only citizen of UA apart from yourself that does not hold a cabinet position, I must assume this editorial was intended for me personally. If so, I wonder A) why it was not sent to me directly rather than displayed in full public like some cheap hooker, and B) what you hoped to accomplish by berating the namesake of the very city whose naming process you are calling into question. While I am all for a free press (in theory ), I do expect anyone with enough class and sophistication to count themselves a citizen of UA to exercise a certain measure of unbiased objectivity. You, sir, seem to possess none of these attributes. Having had some experience in the AZC-ZA wars of some years ago (didn't I see you there?) I am well aware of the terrible damage that biased and unscrupulous reporting can wreak for a civilized society. Given your short tenure in our fair empire, dear editor, I would suggest that you listen more and talk less, and perhaps at length the wisdom and maturity of our leaders, especially President Kev, will impress themselves upon your mind and heart.

Respectfully yours,
Average citizen Leowind

 

[goodbye_mr_bond]

******THE NEWS IN BRIEFS******
Because there's no such thing as 'too much information'

Today's Headlines:

PRESIDENT CONSIDERS FORT PORNSTAR OR OLYMPIA FOR LUCRATIVE SHIP-BUILDING CONTRACT
AP. Olympia. President Kev today announced that he is considering several different port cities to upgrade our navy's transport ability. So far, Fort Pornstar and Olympia seem to be the favourites to win the contract, although rumours abound that a disgruntled Pellaken Bay may yet place a bid of their own. According to the mayor, such a token of good faith would be considered a sufficient apology for the President's recent snubbing of that town. --gmb.

PRESIDENT POSITIONS HIMSELF FOR UP-COMING ELECTIONS
AP. Duck Pond.As part of his overall plan to rule forever, President Kev today revealed that he is has been considering a massive shift towards a luxuries-based economy. This plan, if put into effect, would have the likely result of causing a brain-drain from our Empire to those more supportive of the sciences, not to mention a drastic reduction to out internal revenue base. The most immediate result, however, would be a sudden 'baby-boom'. Were this to happen, argues Professor Joy Mirther of the Happiness Studies Department at Super Science City University, "We would need to invest valuable time and resources into crappy television programs to amuse the little tykes. It's a vicious cycle." It's not clear what she means by 'television,' nor whether it is some sort of vicious bicycle of some sort. But in fact, the President has quoted as saying, "A batch of extra citizens may actually mean that we have some that are unhappy - leading to the use of entertainers or, later, putting 10% in luxuries." Or, perhaps, DEATH SQUADS? Only the President knows for sure.

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF TURNS DOWN BRIBE
AP. Duck Pond. In a shameless bid to win over the support of this esteemed newspaper, Governor Mr. Spice offered a bribe to our beloved editor-in-chief, goodbye_mr_bond. In a leaked memo which has caused very little stir throughout the land, Spice is quoted as saying: "I would be happy to transfer the province of Deimos into Bond´s control, if he wants it." Among the charges which the Supreme Court is currently reviewing is the allegation that, though the statement was properly followed by a smiley, it was the least ironic of them all--prompting concerned citizens to question his motives. In an unrelated display of sheer disregard for our democratic ideals, Spice is also alleged to have said recently, in the Governor's chambers, "Since it was unclear what province some of the cities belong to, I took the liberty to assign them one." The Governor's office was unavailable for comment.

THE FANATICA TIMES IS CALLING FOR SUBMISSIONS!
AP. Duck Pond. Do you sit around the house all day in your briefs, playing computer games and then getting on the net to discuss the game with your friends? Or, better yet, do you just sit back and discuss the computer games your friends play instead of even playing yourself? If this is you or anyone you know, why not write for The 'Times? Sure, the pay is virtually nothing and there will never be any chicks within 300 tiles of you, but at least you'll be listened to. Well, at least we like to think so.

 

[goodbye_mr_bond]

Originally posted by Leowind
While I am all for a free press (in theory ), I do expect anyone with enough class and sophistication to count themselves a citizen of UA to exercise a certain measure of unbiased objectivity. You, sir, seem to possess none of these attributes.

Ahh, the joy of controversy--long may it sell papers!

In tomorrow's edition:

The first in a multi-part in-depth feature on: The Average Citizen of the U.F. Part One: "What do they really know, and who do they really think they are to challenge my obvious and refined objectivity anyway?"

 

[Kev]

EDITOR REVEALS TRUE COLORS

AP Duck Pond

"Concerned" citizen and tabloid newspaper magnate G.M. Bond was just one of the business leaders invited to attend the Summit on National Luxuries held recently at the capital.

Shocking transcripts have been revealed from this meeting that demonstrates the true nature of this often controversial tycoon.

Mr. Bond was quoted as saying:



As for unhappiness--well, there's nothing like passing a few bucks to your local media baron for sustained good news...



Asked for comments, The Office of the President responded with a statement that read

"We are very disturbed not only as to the attitude of one of Fanatica's more outspoken citizens, but also by his ability to convince himself that he actually has this kind of power. It only shows that the "News" in fanatica times is basically 'up for sale'."

Mr. Bond, however, went even further. By some underhanded tactic or bribe, he apparently was able to obtain information about Fanatica intelligence in the field. He then became very careless with this information at the very same Summit.

He was quoted as saying quite blithely:

The increased science output of substantially bigger cities should make up the science gap (if any develops) in no time. Especially considering that we're poised to steal two techs in the near future.



While our war with Rome and Zululand rage on, who knows how many lives of faithful and brave Fanatica citizens in the intelligence field Mr. Bond has put in immediate danger. Even now, word is reaching the Duck Pond that diplomats are being expelled from international territories - and reports that two dispached to the Roman cities of Ravenna and Antium have not been heard from in some time.

Mr. Bond was unavailable for comment as his pseudo-playboy image requires that he rents new prostitutes at this time each month.

 

[Dell19]

The existing governors would welcome a third governor to take control of one of the provinces. Currently Mr Spice is having to do the jobs of two people although he does say he has plenty of spare time.

 

[Mr Spice]

Where did you get that from, Dell? I did have plenty of spare time that day last week when I made the summaries, but usually I am rather busy. Nevertheless, I am trying my best to do a good job as governor.

Btw, this thread is great! I laughed a lot when reading it!

 

[Leowind]

CHINESE ATTACK!
dateline: St. Leowind, Morrow Farr reporting.

Chinese duplicity has created disaster in the village of St. Leowind. Yesterday late morning a Frigate flying the flag of the Chinese Republic entered St. Leowind's harbor. Anxious citizens, officials, and soldiers lined the streets, bays, and beaches, attempting to catch sight of the strange foreigners. A small boat was quickly launched with the mayor, sir George Hammerfell, the captian of the local Musketeer brigade, Artemisis, and a few others on board. Their intention was to row to the Chinese frigate and seek audience with her captain. Although posing no threat to the Chinese war ship, and flying the white flag recognized internationally as a sign of peace, when the boat was a scant 100 yards from the Chinese ship they suddenly opened fire, demolishing the small boat and all on board. Moments of stunned silence followed, broken moments later by the sounds of musket fire as our brave soldiers attempted to attone the murder of their beloved leaders.
As the ship was too far off, the muskets had little chance of inflicting any revenge, and the Chinese canons once again roared to life. Without their captain, our troops quickly became disorganized. Many were lost in vain attempts to fire from the open or from poor defensive positions, and many more were severely wounded. Many buildings along the bayfront were also heavily damaged, and there are initial reports of loss of civilian life as well.
The worst, however, was yet to come. With the city burning and in chaos, the Chinese trained their guns higher and targeted the mayoral compound, where a contingent of Knights of the Order of St. Leowind were meeting in urgent strategy session. Whether through shear luck, or aided by stolen intelligence or sabatoge is not known, but the meeting tower collapsed almost immediately, killing all inside. The city left defenseless and burning, the murderous Chinese sailed out of the harbor, too cowardly even to land and help the injured.
This unprovoked act of cowardice has prompted our President Kev to declare a state of war between our nations. Diplomats already in Chinese territory have been recalled home. We have word that a band of UA traders carrying Gold are somewhere in China, but word of their fate has not yet reached us.
We are saddened and outraged by this barbaric act. Yet at the same time we steel ourselves for the struggle ahead. All citizens are called upon to do their part in the war effort. All able-bodied men on JoeSpaniel island are to report to their local militia center for immediate training and deployment. Citizens are requested to immediately report any suspicious activities or strange people to the proper authorities. We will stand firm, and we will avenge our fallen heroes! Long live United Fanatica!!

 

[Duke of Marlbrough]

Paid advertisement:

We would all like to wish Leowind a happy birthday today. Although he has had to personally witness the unprovoked attack from the Chinese on his namesake city, he is still in a chipper mood as he works diligently on some project (obviously very important for the sake of U.F.).

Happy Birthday Leo.

[dance]

 

[Dell19]

Happy birthday Leo!!!

Maybe we should launch a revenge attack on the Chinese this week to celebrate...