A poem

[Håkan Eriksson]

Here is a personal poem I have written. I know it's not so good. But does that matter, when the words are true and from the heart?

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What is life, death is all I hear

When my life is not worth to live
When I don't have any strength left
When the burden it to large to bear
When my body is to damaged to work
When every night I fall asleep in tears
When drugs don't cure the pain no more

Then don't you agree,
Isn't suecide the way to go?


But still I know...

it's Lucifer, not Christ,
who will welcome my soul.

 

[Håkan Eriksson]

Don't you think it's strange?
I saw my best friend die in pain.
The drugs took him to the grave.

And now I do the same.
The drugs has me in it's chains.
Now I'm digging my own grave.

 

[CurtSibling]

Emotive stuff,

And it's true what you said, the words hold integrity,
So whether the poem is 'good' or 'bad' doesn’t come into it.

It is a sad tale however and if the poem is based on real life,
Please post and talk to us if there is no one else…

I don’t want to see some one in trouble being ignored…

 

[Sixchan]

Don't worry, we're all here to lend support.

 

[Magnus]

Good work, Håkan!

So, tell me, is it usual for you to write your poetry in English?

 

[Håkan Eriksson]

Acctually, the poem is not fiction.

Now that I brought it up I might as well tell the story.


For half a year ago I started to take drungs. This despite that I have always been against drugs and the fact that I saw my best friend die becouse of his drug abuse.

As all drug users goes.... I started small and got to heavier things. I don't want to bring up all details but my life soon become a search for money to buy drugs. And drugs became my life.

For 1 and a halft month or so I was at a party. I got som **** drugs in me and got some kind of overdose

I woke up at the hospital two days later and the last thing I rememberd was commeing to the party two days before.

It was then I first made the poems. I realised that I couldn't live like this and decided to commit suicide.

I still remember it clear. I waited untill I was alone in my hospital room. I got up. Garbes the visitors chair. I throw the chair out of the window. I got up to the window and jump out.

Later the doctors say that I would have died if it wern't for two things:

1. I landed on a car. A car is a pretty soft thing to land on compeard to the concrete.

2. I was near the hospital. I could get medically help rely quick.

That car saved my life.


Since that day I have been in and out of therapy and psycologists.


Today I haven't had any drugs since that party and I don't think of commiting suicide again.

But still... nothing says I won't start to take drugs again tomorrow. I juist take my life day by day.




And to answer you Magnus. I usually don't write poems in English. However when I write in English it's much easier to write about personall stuff for me. I would never writen anything in Swedish. Then it all seems to personally. When I write in english it seems that I become some sort of "not me".

It's hard to explain.


Anyway the reason I do write this is that my therapist tells me it is good for my rehab to express my self and talk with someone about it. And since I don't like talking to people and look them in their eyes I take this chanse to be both anonymous and personal.




I'm not a drug addict any more and I am not a weird guy or anything. So don't stop "talking with me".

 

[Ohwell]

Whoa, that seems pretty bad... I feel sorry for you. I have had my bad days, but nothing like this. My hopes to your recovery and rehab.

Well we are all glad your'e still alive, and I hope you are too. I was wondering why I never saw you on the forums before with such a high post count...

 

[CurtSibling]

Håkan

Just don't let the dark thoughts build up inside you, man.

I too have a lot of tough things to put up with the last few
years, but you have had a pretty bad experience.

As you say, take it a day at a time, and stay away from
the friends you have who are still on the drugs.
I assume you are referring to the hard gear, and I know
(from experience with a very close relative) how hard life is in that
situation.

All I can say from where I am, is keep your head up,
no matter how bad things seem, suicide is never a solution,

A young man like yourself has too much to live for...

Just keep talking to us, dude.

 

[Apollo]

I went through a time when my two best friends, one after the other, both got involved with drugs. This was back in high school, so we were all still living at home with our families. In both cases their parents took them out of school and completely cut them off from their previous life, including me. They went to special schools far away for kids with drug problems and I never saw them, just getting the occasional bit of information. This went on for 3 or 4 years, and when they were all done they were both completely different people and treated me like I was a stranger. Now this is not nearly as bad as what you went through, because nobody died and I never got involved with drugs, but nonetheless it was a heart-wrenching experience.

The thing that got me through it was finding another focus in life. I had been playing the trumpet in the school band for a couple of years but never was very serious with it. After my friends were taken away (which I found out by calling them up and having their parents tell me they were gone) I started joining up with more music groups and hanging out with people in these groups. I really enjoyed playing music and it took my mind off of the other things. I never got as close to the people in these music groups, both because I didn't try very hard and also I don't think I would have been able to. But they provided me with someone to talk to, someone to sit with at lunch, someone to go to a concert or movies with, etc. I was able to have a lot of fun and it kept me together emotionally, so that when my old friends came back and were completely different people, but with the same face, I was able to deal with it.

I hope everything works out for you.

 

[atawa]

Sorry to hear that, but glad to see you're rising again

If I may ask, what did you use at the party?

 

[damunzy]

Wow man, sorry to hear of your difficulties. I hope things get better for you.

On the lighter side, how many people can jump out of a building, land on a car, and live. You got something to live for.... to tell that story!

 

[FearlessLeader2]

Some days it is really hard to think up a good reason not to kill myself. Just in case you need it, I'll give you my old standby, when nothing else will work:

Most every way you can die, you end up leaving a mess behind for someone to clean up, and nine times out of ten, that someone will be someone who knows you. You wouldn't want them doing that to you, so why do it to them?

Of late, my depressions have been weakening, so I haven't had to worry about it, but I do know what you are going through. In my 32 years on this planet, I have seen some awful things happen to my family and friends, and even to me, and it has been a long hard road to today. But I have made it this far, and you have made it that far, and if we keep on walking, well, we'll keep on keeping on, won't we? Live just to spite your problems, that's what I did. Nothing pisses off trouble more than perserverance.

And remember your Neistche, we're getting stronger every day.

 

[Magnus]

Well, Håkan, shortly after I came to the forums (April) I remember seeing you post that you were leaving the boards forever, and then after a week or two you were back, and bored in a hospital bed with two broken legs and all you felt like doing was posting here because you had nothing better to do with all your time.

I guess using civfanatics as sort of a support group makes sense, because there are a lot of good folk here and once you turn off your computer you don't need to hear from us anymore, so it has that proper 'distance'. Although I may vehemently disagree with a lot of posters here (I think even you and I have gone at it once or twice) I think of the people of civfanatics for the most part quite intelligent and imaginitive people. Believe me, if it were strictly for the game itself, I don't think I would keep coming back here (at least not nearly as often). Its more than that. Its a good feeling The last time I was among such a think-tank of minds was in college, and that was 13 years ago, so this is sort of a mental renaissance for me as well.

 

[Håkan Eriksson]

Originally posted by atawa


If I may ask, what did you use at the party?

I realy don't remember. Between the moment I enter the door to the apartment and the moment I wake up at the hospital is completly blank to me.

If you are so intrested I can say that it could have been anything. I have tested it all. Acid, Cocain, Crack, E, Hashish, Heroin, MDA, Mushrooms, Peyote, Opium, Special K, Speed, Weed....

Now when I think I remember that one of my "friends" sad that he had got a "Mixed Bag". And that could be just about anything. But I don't think it was heroin or cocain for instance. Thats to expensive to buy together in a "mixed bag". Not MDA either I think.

But realy it doesn't matter I think. Most time you are just looking for ways to get money to buy dope. And when you get money it usually doesn't matter wath you get.

 

[Ohwell]

Well Hakan, I think it would be beszt not to think about the drugs and the hospital,
those are depressing thoughts. Think about something happy, like dogs, or cars, or
Civ . Do you have Civ 3? It is pretty cool

- Isn't Opium Heroin? Ah well.:crazyeyes

 

[Håkan Eriksson]

Do you know how fantasic Speed is?

Is so unbelievable. It's like riding shooting stars through the Milky Way, only many million times better. Just a syringe, a injection and you are in heaven.


Some times, when I try to resist the dope the most. I starts to think, just one injection and the pain will all go away. No worries, no pain.

Drugs are fantastic in that way.


One time after my suicide attempt I even bought two joints becouse I fellt so bad. And I would have taken them if my best friend caught me. He fluched them down the toilet and swore at me. Man he is the only friend I ahev left who isn't some old dug addict.


But I tell my self over and over again: It's not worth it. It's not worth it! It's not worth it!


The drugs makes you feel good at the moment but then it comes back at you hundred times more.


I often hear that the one thing that makes people able to cut the drugs is to get a focus, a meaning with life. Like you sad Apollo.

I have started to write poetry. It's no masterpieces but it keeps me focused.

 

[Håkan Eriksson]

Originally posted by Ohwell
- Isn't Opium Heroin? Ah well.:crazyeyes

Opium is used in the production of morphine, codeine, other alkaloids, and deodorized forms of opium. Morphine is the raw material from which heroin is obtained.


Edit:

Opium anticipates in the form of darkbrown pices or in mörkbruna stycken eller i powder form. It is taken generally by smokeing or eating.

Heroin takes the form of white or lightbrown powder. And it can be sniffed in through the nose or it can be smoked. But the most common way to take it with a syringe.

 

[atawa]

Originally posted by Håkan Eriksson



I realy don't remember. Between the moment I enter the door to the apartment and the moment I wake up at the hospital is completly blank to me.

Why I asked this is becouse it sounds like an experience similar to one a friend of mine had last summer, he was drinking and got 2 tubes of GHB into him, passed out for 36 hours.

Might have happened to you, you dont taste it in a drink..

 

[Doubtful Teeks]

I have no experience with drugs whatsoever, so I'm not going to pretend I know what you're going through, but still, you have my support, as much as I can give you.

 

[Håkan Eriksson]

Yeah, I know wath you mean.....