A Teenager's Plead For Help

[Remorseless1]

Also, one thing to note: I currently have few friends. This is probably due to the fact that nobody else in my grade likes what I like (Quiz Bowl, history, D&D, rock and roll...), and the closest friends I have at my school are a grade younger than me.

I must admit I'm shocked at this. Teenagers who don't like D&D and/or rock and roll? Wow, teens have change.

Everyone here is giving you good advice -- take that advice where you deem appropriate. Frankly, I know few people who didn't have issues with their high school years. Getting dumped by your romantic interest is common but still really sucks. Hang in there, buddy. It's going to be way better when you go off to college.

 

[Caesar of Bread]

Hm. Well, I'm not a guy and it's been decades since I was a teenager. But I remember high school and the importance of trying to fit in somehow. I also remember bullying, but it was nowhere near the hell that junior high was.

1. Did you choose this school yourself, or is it your parents' choice? If your parents chose it and you'd prefer a different school, is it possible to persuade them to change their minds?

2. Unless your personality is of a criminal nature or someone who is cruel, or who revels in denying reality, you are who you are. If trying to change to avoid being bullied would make you a lesser person according to your own conscience, then I recommend finding a way to make them (whoever "they" are) accept you as you are. High school is temporary. The years after that are the rest of your life where your fellow students may never be part of.

You're into D&D... there's actually nothing stopping religious people from playing D&D. Demons and hellfire are not compulsory in that game. It's up to the DM what to include. There's someone I used to know in the SCA who is also into D&D. He and his wife have been trying to get me to join in a game with them (problem being that health issues have made my life less mobile these days). My friend and his wife are believers, and that might seem odd to the folks here who know I'm atheist - but as long as a RL believer DM leaves RL faith out of the game, it's not a problem.

Try being the only kid in a Grade 9 class who's into Star Trek and reading Asimov essays and astronomy reference books for fun... my classmates thought there was something terribly wrong with me.

In high school the clubs became my social life. School newspaper, yearbook club, and poetry club (we put out a volume of student-written poetry and short stories every year). I actually had two teachers fighting over me one day in Grade 12. The two clubs met on the same day of the week, and one teacher glared at the other: "You're trying to take my typist!" (I was the only one of the club who didn't mind the finicky job of typing students' names on the designated areas of the layout; this was in pre-computer, pre-photocopier days when we did this stuff with carbon paper and stencils).

The other teacher came back with "You're trying to take my Grade 12!" (the grade 12 students were expected to mentor the younger students and had the most input as to which submissions would be included in the book; that year I was the only Grade 12 student who regularly turned up to meetings; though another eventually joined; we were the ones who typed the whole thing up before sending it to the printer).

So I compromised: I'd alternate the weeks I went to the meetings (neither teacher was willing to change the day of the week), would stay after school to work on the yearbook if they could find me a quiet spot with a typewriter and room to work undisturbed, and took several stacks of submissions home from the poetry club to do the initial sorting of yes, no, maybe... the yes and maybes would be discussed at the meetings themselves.

In short, there's usually a way to make things work out.

Does that school offer students a way to make a bit of money by helping out? My high school paid the students who worked in the cafeteria and the library. I never went near the cafeteria if I could help it, but I spent two years working in the library. It paid better than babysitting at the time, and one of the perks was being able to use a back room (where most of the AV stuff was stored) for studying, as there was a desk in there.


About relationship stuff... there are folks here who can give you better advice than I can. All I will say is that my view is that it's better to be actual friends first before moving to the 'girlfriend' stage. There are numerous threads in OT about "how do I get/keep a girlfriend", and one thing I recall posting in those is the finding a girlfriend is not like shopping for a new computer. You're looking for a relationship with another human being, not a possession. The other person gets an opinion, too - and the option to accept or reject you and expect you to be civil about it.

Nice! I plan to continue D&D, creative writing, Quiz Bowl, and maybe start a Civilization club. On Asimov, Star Trek, I used those in "The Golden Years" because that would be things nerds would be into at the time.

 

[AmazonQueen]

Also, one thing to note: I currently have few friends. This is probably due to the fact that nobody else in my grade likes what I like (Quiz Bowl, history, D&D, rock and roll...), and the closest friends I have at my school are a grade younger than me.

All I can reply to is this.
Maintain your friendships amongst your current year group even if they are not your closest friends. You are going to be stuck with them and they may not turn out to be as awful as you fear.

 

[Caesar of Bread]

All I can reply to is this.
Maintain your friendships amongst your current year group even if they are not your closest friends. You are going to be stuck with them and they may not turn out to be as awful as you fear.

They aren't awful! The three are some of the kindest people I have ever met.
1. A lesbian artist who loves to cosplay.
2. A D&D addict who starred as Aladin in my school's rendition of the musical (my sister was Jasmine) and plays as Rome in my knockoff Civ games.
3. A comedic Discord user who always plays as a cleric in D&D and plays as China in my knockoff civ games.

 

[Moff Jerjerrod]

Do I just abandon my personality in order to fit or do I keep my personality and risk getting bullied?

Never abandon who you are or your personality. Remember, you are someone. You can be who you are without offending others if you are careful of what you say around certain people. And if someone does bully you stare them deeply into their eyes and ask them, "Hey!!! Did you know Jesus loves you?" Then out and out walk away. Show your enemies love and sooner or later they might just become your friends.

Also, I have fallen into a cycle of depression and hatred after getting rejected by the girl I loved most. How do I stop this?

First off you have to find it in your heart to forgive her. Although it's painful it might be for the best. Experience has taught me that all those girls I was chasing when I was a young man that flat out rejected me did me a great favor. I didn't get mixed up with whatever baggage they've got that I couldn't see due to being blinded by what I thought was 'love'.

Finally, I am questioning my sexuality and maybe even gender. How do I find out who I am true?

Pray and ask God to help you figure this out. I'm being totally serious here. If you truly believe, God will show you, but be patient and be still as you await His answer.

 

[amadeus]

Whether or not your peer group is more politically conservative or your concerns lie elsewhere, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. Knowing what I know now, long after high school, I would have done things a lot differently and been less guarded. Do what you want to do and take pride in it, I guess; I mean, nobody at your age really chooses where they are so you’re kind of all in the same boat.

 

[Caesar of Bread]

Whether or not your peer group is more politically conservative or your concerns lie elsewhere, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. Knowing what I know now, long after high school, I would have done things a lot differently and been less guarded. Do what you want to do and take pride in it, I guess; I mean, nobody at your age really chooses where they are so you’re kind of all in the same boat.

My friends and I are liberals, the society I live in is conservative.

 

[Angst]

ok im gonna grammaticallus proper for this, sharing some of my own stuff too

High school: High school is temporary, but the years are no joke. Adults know it's just a small part of life, but it's still a few years. You can endure it if it's bad, it can leave some marks on you. Biggest problem with a bad high school experience is that, depending on the degree of the problems there, it can intervene with your development, delaying it until later. Social skills, emotional management and such. Most people here note high school sucks, and that's a Big Truth I guess, but the universal experience of high school being awful has a large degree of variation. Most here are nerds and have experienced the bad side of it probably, but there's a lot of stuff me and people in my life have personally been through that left quite the mark on me, to an extend more serious than what most people are talking about. Severe depression, massive delay of my developing social skills, near wrong radicalization, dropout NEET stuff. OTOH it has given me some resources to help people out that end up in holes similar to mine (because as with the other Big Truth, I don't think universally avoiding cases like mine is systematically possible, so at least people like me are useful). So feel free to ask, always.
For your particular case, I don't know about any sort of Jesuit environment where you live, so I have no clue as to the nature of it. Just the fact that it's religious doesn't mean the experience is necessarily as awful as mine (even if there's some red flags there). People can often see past political differences at any age, it will more have to do with what they think of you as a personality. But if it's just regular social suckage due to unaligned interests and lack of chemistry... There's a quote from some show, I think it was god damn Modern Family, where an adult talks to a teen. Something like "When I was your age, everyone tried to fit in, to be the same. Then suddenly, almost overnight, everyone wanted to be different." And it's pretty useful advice. High school is a semiforced social environment with a multitude of interests and professions stacked on top of each other. As you grow older, carve out your hobbies and professionally specialize (or not, lol), you'll naturally align with other weirdos that you'll fit better with. Adult life is different than high school. I like the advice of a lot of people here, that you should find clubs aligned with your interests and so on. It's pretty darn good advice. Find something you want to do the most and do it. Usually that'll help you carve out some friends.

Love crap: Yea, there's not much to do about that depression. It gets easier as you get older, but mostly because you'll have previous experiences giving you the resources to handle it better. (Also, as you get older you'll usually be more comfortable about yourself being alone; I managed to find this comfort at age 30 myself.) Mind you, if the depression's "just" because of a crush you didn't get with, it's normal and part of a healthy life. I'd focus on stuff that you find interesting or fun, even if you find things are pointless. My common note on depression: Life has no meaning, watch cat videos. Anything that gives you happiness has value to you, therefore it has value. Respect your dopamine. Who cares about meaninglessness if you're comfortable, eating some good snacks, and playing D&D with your buds. I try to make this distinction a lot - there's meaning and purpose and stuff, which is abstract, but you live in the concrete, experienced world. Whatever abstract pointlessness the universe has doesn't actually have anything to do with your concrete lived life.
Love takes time to get over, and it just sucks, and there's not much to do about it. Even with my comfort with my singleness, I'm currently just after the tailend of a 2 year emotional dip after a particularly brutal breakup. It's gonna suck But hopefully your situation isn't gonna last as long; from what I can tell from your posts, you were just dismissed, she didn't actually hurt you the way you can be hurt. (My latest ex stole a lot of money from me, among other things.)

Sexuality and gender: I have less explicit advice about this since I knew about my admittedly strange situation here from a pretty early age, and was comfortable with it from like 17 and older after I realized boys are fun to kiss too. My gender identity is so fluid I don't really find a huge discomfort in presenting as male as I do. Other posters here have much better experiences (some having much more pronounced struggles than me) and you should listen to them over me here.

 

[Angst]

Oh, and on the "high school may actually be really bad", I'll just underline that it may be the case, but it probably won't be. For most people, it just sucks, and not much more, even for all the neeerds. I'm just saying it can get bad. It's probably bad to talk about since chances are you shouldn't be worried. I've just seen the dark side of it, so I don't like to sugarcoat it.

 

[Caesar of Bread]

Oh, and on the "high school may actually be really bad", I'll just underline that it may be the case, but it probably won't be. For most people, it just sucks, and not much more, even for all the neeerds. I'm just saying it can get bad. It's probably bad to talk about since chances are you shouldn't be worried. I've just seen the dark side of it, so I don't like to sugarcoat it.

Love crap: Yea, there's not much to do about that depression. It gets easier as you get older, but mostly because you'll have previous experiences giving you the resources to handle it better. (Also, as you get older you'll usually be more comfortable about yourself being alone; I managed to find this comfort at age 30 myself.) Mind you, if the depression's "just" because of a crush you didn't get with, it's normal and part of a healthy life. I'd focus on stuff that you find interesting or fun, even if you find things are pointless. My common note on depression: Life has no meaning, watch cat videos. Anything that gives you happiness has value to you, therefore it has value. Respect your dopamine. Who cares about meaninglessness if you're comfortable, eating some good snacks, and playing D&D with your buds. I try to make this distinction a lot - there's meaning and purpose and stuff, which is abstract, but you live in the concrete, experienced world. Whatever abstract pointlessness the universe has doesn't actually have anything to do with your concrete lived life.

Thanks! I really wish that life could just sometimes go the way that I felt it was supposed to (hey, look at how many times our D&D sessions have been called back).

 

[Angst]

Thanks! I really wish that life could just sometimes go the way that I felt it was supposed to (hey, look at how many times our D&D sessions have been called back).

Aye. Sadly, when you feel sad, you feel sad. That's a fact, you can't change it, and you deserve to take your feelings seriously. There's not much you can do about it. Your body is processing things. But it'll get better, and you'll be more able to process it later in life, it as you get used to it. Reading your posts in this thread, it honestly seems like you have a good lineup of interests and good people in your life. All that's really good. I don't know you at all, of course, but from the small specks of things I've read from you on the forums, I'm not that worried long-term.

 

[Caesar of Bread]

Aye. Sadly, when you feel sad, you feel sad. That's a fact, you can't change it, and you deserve to take your feelings seriously. There's not much you can do about it. Your body is processing things. But it'll get better, and you'll be more able to process it later in life, it as you get used to it. Reading your posts in this thread, it honestly seems like you have a good lineup of interests and good people in your life. All that's really good. I don't know you at all, of course, but from the small specks of things I've read from you on the forums, I'm not that worried long-term.

Yeah, it's probably just "teenage wasteland" (as the Who once said).

I'm interested in
- Creative writing (I plan to be an author in the future)
- History
- D&D
- Civilization
- Politics (I plan to make this world a better place through the political sciences)
- Rock and roll (my favorite music genre)
- Quiz Bowl
(forgot that I am in BSA)

 

[Angst]

Yeah, it's probably just "teenage wasteland" (as the Who once said).

I'm interested in
- Creative writing (I plan to be an author in the future)
- History
- D&D
- Civilization
- Politics (I plan to make this world a better place through the political sciences)
- Rock and roll (my favorite music genre)
- Quiz Bowl

I know most of these, had to (finally) google Quiz Bowl. Sounds fun! I'm a published writer myself, but the environment is very different where I live than in the States. These are all really cool things - they are cool things about you - and I hope you keep at it.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

Yeah, it's probably just "teenage wasteland" (as the Who once said).

I'm interested in
- Creative writing (I plan to be an author in the future)
- History
- D&D
- Civilization
- Politics (I plan to make this world a better place through the political sciences)
- Rock and roll (my favorite music genre)
- Quiz Bowl

Hm. I didn't get around to starting a Camp NaNoWriMo thread this time around, but it's going on right now and it's not too late to register and get going on something. The beauty of the Camp events is that you can choose your own goal. Mine's an insanely easy romp this time - a mere 3000 words, and I'm a third of the way finished already.

 

[Zardnaar]

Schools just a tiny part of your life it kinda sucks.

Getting rejected everyone has. Got my first girlfriend aged 18 via meeting her via female friend. Didn't ask anyone out at your agedidnt know hownor who. Shot down aged 16.

Started playing D&D a year or two older than you you're beating me in that metric.

 

[Joij21]

High school: High school is temporary, but the years are no joke.

I mean it is the make it or break it years to get into a good college so you aren't flipping burgers for the rest of your life (which will probably be replaced by robots anyway) or deal with issues by joining the military.

So uh yeah, good luck.

 

[TheMeInTeam]

it's better to have sense of worth not sourced externally, if at all possible. relying on external validation is a crisis if the external source is not what was believed or predicted...but that's not the only problem with it. it also limits the same degree of reflection that internal validation requires, when the one who decides your worth, whether you're in the place you want to be, is *you*. getting rejected sucks enough without that person also defining your image for you. don't do the latter...not when things are going well, and not when they're going poorly.

what personality do you want? they change over time, but it's not easy to do so deliberately (not impossible, but both difficult and usually unnecessary). outlook will change more easily over time, based on experience. but i recommend you pick what you, yourself want to be. if you're not sure what to pick, work on finding the answer to that first.

I mean it is the make it or break it years to get into a good college so you aren't flipping burgers for the rest of your life (which will probably be replaced by robots anyway)

it's hard to find many tasks that couldn't be, to be fair. more difficult (as in complicated) manual labor jobs will probably outlast a number of office jobs even.

 

[AdamCrock]

This is serious . You want to listen to Your parents/grantparents advice first before turning to some illicit strangers on a forum . Trust me on this one. Your parents love You the most and they will give the best adive they can. I've realized this much too late , never listened to my parents advice and ended up not happy about it , You can do it differently , You have the chance which is forever forbidden for me .

 

[innonimatu]

So, things are going chaotic in my life.
Well, I am probably going to a Jesuit High School, and from what I have heard, people like me (nerds/liberals) aren't really accepted in their society. Do I just abandon my personality in order to fit or do I keep my personality and risk getting bullied?
Also, I have fallen into a cycle of depression and hatred after getting rejected by the girl I loved most. How do I stop this?
Finally, I am questioning my sexuality and maybe even gender. How do I find out who I am true?

If anyone can give advice, please do so.

Please do not take this as a criticism: your question here is almost a perfect example of something was I was just commenting about directly with another member of the forum.

Whatever you feel now, try to remember one simple truth: you have almost your whole life ahead of you. And lot can and will change throughout life. Do not despair, cultivate patience. That is not an advice towards apathy. Just, take the rejected love interest issue: it is natural to go through several. And the first few can be despairing. Then it gets less bad. Until some goes right. Keep living, keep trying for what interests you, but do not despair when it escapes. You will have many years of opportunities ahead.

The one thing that is hard to redo if ones passes it over is social connections during school years. That's really what school is about, including (perhaps especially) universities. At your stage it isn't yet critical, by the time you get to university, if you go to one, then it gets important. So try not to stress now, it's still early - you have time.
On personality - teenagers are still forming one you are and will always be who you are, but don't imprison yourself. That's a whole vast subject of philosophy. Just a sample. You can spend years pondering about it, reading on the philosophies of it. Take your time. Things may seem chaotic but you do have time, lots, ahead, before adulthood.
On school, I'm not fond of the religious ones but you could do worse than the jesuits.

One last advise: be careful of fads and peer pressure. Things that seem to matter the world this year may be all but forgotten 5 years from now. If you have an interest in history they you can look at may examples of that kind of thing in the past. Sometimes one goes along with the peers because of fitting in - but if it seems a fad don't commit too much personally on whatever it is, in terms of interests, hobbies or whatever. Look rather to things that have a history already, and you can research it before if you plan to achor or dedicate any part of your like on these things.

 

[Remorseless1]

Yeah, it's probably just "teenage wasteland" (as the Who once said).

I'm interested in
- Creative writing (I plan to be an author in the future)
- History
- D&D
- Civilization
- Politics (I plan to make this world a better place through the political sciences)
- Rock and roll (my favorite music genre)
- Quiz Bowl

You sound a lot like me in high school (minus Civ of course, PCs were a couple of decades away). College was better -- more classes that actually intrigued me, student political groups advocating for gay and women's rights, etc. I ended up as a journalist, working my up from reporter to managing editor of a midrange daily. I met a lot of women, finally married one, and we just hit 39 years together. Two grown daughters. And I grew up liberal in Oklahoma, so I grok your situation.

Again,hang in there.