Abusive Relationships

[Fifty]

BJag is, as usual, correct!

You can't just say "har har u r such a wimp just leave ok its not that hard!"

I've seen incredibly intelligent girls get dominated and controlled by an abuser.

 

[Prince_Imrahil]

Abusive relationships appear "silly and stupid" to those who are not in them, just like belief in god appears stupid to an atheist. Rationality is a luxury provided by distance. "Needy" people do suffer from abusive spouses, but mostly it is the controlling partner who breaks down the other and uses a variety of techniques to dominate and control. It usually takes a third party help an abused person "get out" and see other options.

...BJag is, as usual, correct!

You can't just say "har har u r such a wimp just leave ok its not that hard!"

I've seen incredibly intelligent girls get dominated and controlled by an abuser.

No one said har har its not just hard all ya need to do is leave... I know it isn't easy, as I've seen the whole dynamic in many many ways. But nothing of what you or Birdj says here changes anything. From a distance we can see whats happening, but what's happening doesn't change up close. And again, birdj, I hope you are not suggesting that abusive relationships Don't seem silly and stupid to those in them... most people do realize that they are not happy in their relationship, which makes it a stupid and silly relationship and they realize this, the whole being attached, needy, controlled and dominated is what keeps them in said relationships. Which, mind you, and no offense at all to those who end up in such relationships, would not occur if one had their 'act together', so to speak. Being intelligent has nothing to do with anything here, fifty, even intelligent people get wound up in stupid situations.

 

[Bad Player]

IIRC if a woman is abused by her father she will seek out men who are similar in personality for a partner...

 

[Prince_Imrahil]

Which, regardless of the reasons, feelings, experiences, etc. etc. is a stupid thing to do. Now I only repeat this one more time because you guys seem to think that somehow there's a subjective way to look at this that changes the nature of the whole issue.

 

[Fairy]

How can you be both a psychologist and sociologist at age 18?

Because i've studied them both && when I did study them I was told thats what i'd become.

I don't get what the hell is so hard about leaving.

It seems pretty hard for them to give a non-abusive guy the time of day. But an abusive boyfriend must be kept at all costs.

Simple, it isn't either. User you got greedy, if you're going to make stuff up to lend yourself credence be a little believable. Saying that you took a class in those is much better.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was lying about it's gender too.

The hard part is thinking nobody else will ever want you, the hard part is that they'll come after you either demanding you back or begging - either way you tend to go back.

I'm not making it up, read what I just said above, and what sort of sad person would I have to be to make up my gender??

 

[IglooDame]

Some people are masochist I guess.

Not according to the definition of masochist that I'm familiar with. My wife and my ex-wife have both previously been in abusive relationships. The ex was in a nastier one, for much longer, than my wife, and believe you me, my wife is a masochist and my ex was very definitely not one.

I think part of the abusive relationship dynamic is that "negative attention is better than no attention at all" but more is that the person's ego and self-confidence has been beaten down enough that the abuser has them convinced that they cannot cut ties, and even if they did they can't make it on their own. When coupled with what seems to be a common tactic of gradually cutting off the abused from family, friends, media, the whole outside world, it is very difficult to see the horizon instead of walls.

 

[Zardnaar]

Are you scared of being alone? People put themselves in bad situations and then can't figure out how to get out of them. Not just abusive relationships.

Human nature. I like nice simple explanations. Me caveman.

 

[Prince_Imrahil]

Because i've studied them both && when I did study them I was told thats what i'd become.

Well honey a few courses in medicine does not a doctor make.
Just to let you know, studying such and being such are vastly different. Especially to be a psycologist, that takes years and YEARS of study, and practice, and all that. And you're not DR fairy so you're not a psycologist. When you study these things that can be what you're studying them FOR, but just by studying a few courses does not a, well, see above.
You can simply state that you studied these things. And trust me, there's a helluva lot more to study in these fields than what you may have done.

The hard part is thinking nobody else will ever want you, the hard part is that they'll come after you either demanding you back or begging - either way you tend to go back.

And again, no matter the reasons, experience, etc. etc. going back is the STUPIDEST thing to do. And thinking that nobody would want you, again, no matter the reasons why you think this, is stupid. All of y'all who tend to disagree with me have not presented a case against this, because you can't, so why do insist on suggesting otherwise?

 

[Golden Touch]

Both good && true =]
I mean my self esteem was so low I thought nobody else would want me..
...isn't it better to be with someone who wants you but is nasty than on your own without anyone?

yes, but it had to get to that point didnt it?! You start off with good self esteem and the other person wears away at it. Why dont you bail out then when your still feeling ok about yourself?
This happened to me during my first year at uni, and it got to the point where I just didnt like myself at all, nothing of me was left. I've bounced back from that, but had a close hit with it in the past year. So why does it happen? why dont you just turn around and say 'look boyo, this is how I am. If you dont like it you know where you can stick it...'

 

[Fairy]

Well honey a few courses in medicine does not a doctor make.
Just to let you know, studying such and being such are vastly different. Especially to be a psycologist, that takes years and YEARS of study, and practice, and all that. And you're not DR fairy so you're not a psycologist. When you study these things that can be what you're studying them FOR, but just by studying a few courses does not a, well, see above.
You can simply state that you studied these things. And trust me, there's a helluva lot more to study in these fields than what you may have done.

Okay, well my apologies

And again, no matter the reasons, experience, etc. etc. going back is the STUPIDEST thing to do. And thinking that nobody would want you, again, no matter the reasons why you think this, is stupid. All of y'all who tend to disagree with me have not presented a case against this, because you can't, so why do insist on suggesting otherwise?

Well I didn't actually go back 'cos he didn't give a monkeys but I wouldn't call people who went back stupid as it is very common.
Do you mean a case of a woman who has gone back?

yes, but it had to get to that point didnt it?! You start off with good self esteem and the other person wears away at it. Why dont you bail out then when your still feeling ok about yourself?
This happened to me during my first year at uni, and it got to the point where I just didnt like myself at all, nothing of me was left. I've bounced back from that, but had a close hit with it in the past year. So why does it happen? why dont you just turn around and say 'look boyo, this is how I am. If you dont like it you know where you can stick it...'

I've never had that much self esteem in the first place, the reason I stayed was 'cos he was the first to show a liking in me, and as usual, they're always nice at first!

 

[Mirc]

Mmkay so kinda hard topic to think about but it is a vital part of our society today unfortunately, for both males and females.

I myself have been in an abusive relationship of way too long [I don't even remember anymore, something like just below two years? Anyways..] and I was told it was because i'd done wrong and was bad, and I tried so hard to think of something i'd done wrong to make excuses. I was humiliated and my body was just slated in every nasty possible way. He'd chat up other girls, say how wonderful they were and how disgusting I was right in front of me.

Eventually it got way too far and I wasn't going to be forced sexually, so I left him, but the question is why did I stay with him so long, believing it was my fault? Well as both a sociologist and psychologist I know why, but some people can be cruel in how they tackle it.

Some say the people are stupid and need to get their act together, but unless you've been there, how can you say that?

I just wondered what everyones views on this were because its a very interesting subject that I enjoy finding out about Even share your own experiences if you have any..

[P.S. I'm in a loving long term relationship now so all is well ]

[x. Discuss .x]

There is something interesting in this... not that I question your honesty, but how can you be 18, be both a psychologist and a sociologist, and have had an abusive relationship for 2 years, before you were this?

Edit: I see someone already asked this...

I have my own explanation too: girls at 14-17 love jerks, especially those that are somewhat nice to them and huge jerks to everyone else. And no website in the world is going to convince them they don't, when I'm myself in the middle of the age group. Why? Well, I have no idea. But that's a certain fact, for me. Of course, you could say it's not like this everywhere, etc. So, to avoid this, "at least here, in our times" that's how it is. And I'm not saying it's necessary a very bad thing, but for them IMO it is, as they usually exit relationships "heartbroken".

 

[Fairy]

There is something interesting in this... not that I question your honesty, but how can you be 18, be both a psychologist and a sociologist, and have had an abusive relationship for 2 years, before you were this?

Edit: I see someone already asked this...

I have my own explanation too: girls at 14-17 love jerks, especially those that are somewhat nice to them and huge jerks to everyone else. And no website in the world is going to convince them they don't, when I'm myself in the middle of the age group. Why? Well, I have no idea. But that's a certain fact, for me. Of course, you could say it's not like this everywhere, etc. So, to avoid this, "at least here, in our times" that's how it is. And I'm not saying it's necessary a very bad thing, but for them IMO it is, as they usually exit relationships "heartbroken".

Well I already answered the sociologist/psychologist thing, but I was with him from the ages of 14 - 16 =].

 

[Mirc]

Well I already answered the sociologist/psychologist thing, but I was with him from the ages of 14 - 16 =].

I see.
If I'm not too curious, how old was he during this relationship?

 

[Fairy]

He was two years older than me and you're not too curious

 

[amaterasu]

The abused eventualy believes what they are told, they fall into the trap out of caring, it taking a long time ( gradually gets worse but they don't see whats happening) Their self esteem gets taken down slowly, and as the strong abuser is there they cling to them, as they are weak and patheic in their own eyes, whereas the abuser is strong and good

 

[Neonanocyborgasm]

Mmkay so kinda hard topic to think about but it is a vital part of our society today unfortunately, for both males and females.

People are in relationships like this because they feel that they can't do better, so they end up relinquishing all control to the partner to the point of abuse. They often have low self-esteem from the beginning, and are thus easily manipulated throughout the relationship. It is easy enough to avoid abuse if you have good self-esteem. Once you've made up your mind that you won't tolerate certain acts (even those that don't rise to the level of abuse), they will magically not happen.

 

[Prince_Imrahil]

Well I didn't actually go back 'cos he didn't give a monkeys but I wouldn't call people who went back stupid as it is very common.

I hate to keep sounding like a broken record, but no matter what you guys come up with, it doesn't show that the affair isn't stupid. it's common that people reenter abusive relationships, well then its common that people are stupid! Again, note that this has NOTHING to do with intelligence, because guess what, intelligent people do STUPID things!

Cheating is common, and guess what, since it usually ruins relationships, IT IS STUPID! No explanation of it being common, done for so and so reason, looks another way to the person involved, etc. etc. etc....... nothing changes the fact that the whole thing is nothing other than stupidity. What else do you suggest? Emotional weakness? Well guess what, your emotional weakness causes you to do a STUPID thing. I mean NO offense, but please, if you want to insist otherwise, back up your point. And if i'm unable to tear it down, then fine, I'll rest my case. But until then....

 

[Pasi Nurminen]

Mmkay so kinda hard topic to think about but it is a vital part of our society today unfortunately, for both males and females.

I myself have been in an abusive relationship of way too long [I don't even remember anymore, something like just below two years? Anyways..] and I was told it was because i'd done wrong and was bad, and I tried so hard to think of something i'd done wrong to make excuses. I was humiliated and my body was just slated in every nasty possible way. He'd chat up other girls, say how wonderful they were and how disgusting I was right in front of me.

Eventually it got way too far and I wasn't going to be forced sexually, so I left him, but the question is why did I stay with him so long, believing it was my fault? Well as both a sociologist and psychologist I know why, but some people can be cruel in how they tackle it.

Some say the people are stupid and need to get their act together, but unless you've been there, how can you say that?

I just wondered what everyones views on this were because its a very interesting subject that I enjoy finding out about Even share your own experiences if you have any..

[P.S. I'm in a loving long term relationship now so all is well ]

[x. Discuss .x]

Because you were 14-16, I find it difficult to take any of this seriously without more information. Teenagers are highly insecure and prone to emotional swings, so I seriously doubt everything is exactly as you say it was. I'm sure in your mind it was horrible and he was a horrible person, but in reality he was probably just as confused as you and nothing is what it seemed to you. If you would be so kind as to tell me exactly what was said/done (and I mean the precise wording), rather than just refer to how awful it was, I might be in a position where I could take you seriously and maintain intellectual honesty. Of course, that's of a highly personal nature, and I'll understand if you don't want to elaborate, but if that is such I will still not take you seriously.

 

[Prince_Imrahil]

Because you were 14-16, I find it difficult to take any of this seriously without more information. Teenagers are highly insecure and prone to emotional swings, so I seriously doubt everything is exactly as you say it was. I'm sure in your mind it was horrible and he was a horrible person, but in reality he was probably just as confused as you and nothing is what it seemed to you. If you would be so kind as to tell me exactly what was said/done (and I mean the precise wording), rather than just refer to how awful it was, I might be in a position where I could take you seriously and maintain intellectual honesty. Of course, that's of a highly personal nature, and I'll understand if you don't want to elaborate, but if that is such I will still not take you seriously.

Take her seriously for what? It's not even her relationship that is the topic... that's the reason she made the topic, not the topic itself. No one is asking you to believe that her relationship was an abusiive unhealthy affair, she is looking discussion on 'abusive relationships', not her relationship.

Edit... well, actually, maybe she is looking to discuss her relationship, but I'm sure that it would be far more enlightening to discuss the broad subject as a whole.

 

[Birdjaguar]

I hate to keep sounding like a broken record, but no matter what you guys come up with, it doesn't show that the affair isn't stupid.

Clearly you don't hate repeating yourself at all; in fact it would appear that you like repeating the same post over and over again.

it's common that people reenter abusive relationships, well then its common that people are stupid! Again, note that this has NOTHING to do with intelligence, because guess what, intelligent people do STUPID things!

Your rant seems to be that people don't act in a rational manner when it is in their best interest to do so, and you are very earnest in calling that "stupid" behavior.

Cheating is common, and guess what, since it usually ruins relationships, IT IS STUPID! No explanation of it being common, done for so and so reason, looks another way to the person involved, etc. etc. etc....... nothing changes the fact that the whole thing is nothing other than stupidity. What else do you suggest? Emotional weakness? Well guess what, your emotional weakness causes you to do a STUPID thing. I mean NO offense, but please, if you want to insist otherwise, back up your point. And if i'm unable to tear it down, then fine, I'll rest my case. But until then....

Your own "stupid" ranting against the foilbles of being human make your case eloquently enough that no additional rebuttal is necessary. But this being OT I will say more anyway.

Human weakness for irrational acts far outstrips our actions based only on reason. You have only pointed at two that typically have negative consequences. Many of our emotional reactions to life are the basis for grand episodes, great art and moments of triumph. To make note of the fact that people do stupid things for emotional reasons is, well, old news. The "arrogance of reason" that is evident in your post, is both incorrect and, to use your words, "stupid". It is also shows a narrowness of thinking and a lack of understanding of human nature.

The "emotional weakness" which you are so eager to label as "stupid" stems from the same source of all that is good in life.

I will repeat it: The "emotional weakness" which you are so eager to label as "stupid" stems from the same source of all that is good in life.