King O'Rome
Warlord
I'm probably stupid for asking, but anyone got any jokes?????
Anyone know any NEW good jokes?
- Thread starter King O'Rome
- Start date
I'm probably stupid for asking, but anyone got any jokes?????
King O'Rome
Warlord
yes......horribly funny.
That's just brilliant.Here's one of mine:
"The worst plane accident was when a Belgian Cessna 152 crashed on a graveyard this morning. Belgian rescue workers have already found 300 bodies. Authorities expect the number to rise as they will continue searching deep into the night."
Xeven the God
Democratic-Marxist
I've got one you might not have heard before. 
Two guys are buying a parot
1st guy: He's mine!
2nd guy: No, he's mine!
1st: No, He's mine, damn it!
The guys continue arguing as they walk out of the petshop. they are half way home when a car almost hits the 2nd guy.
2nd guy: That b!tch! He almost hit me!
The guys start cursing about bad drivers and continue walking. When they get home they find a dead cat on their door step.
2nd guy: Oh God he's dead!
1st guy: Naw, stick a pencil up his ass, he'll move.
(Ok....I won't go into the details....)
The guys go to church the next day, and they bring the parot with them.
Pasture: The Lord is ours
Parot: He's mine. No, He's mine. No, he's mine, damn it!
The Pasture then throws a book at the parot.
Parot: That b!tch, he almost hit me!
Unexpectedly, the Pasture has a heart attack and dies.
Church Crowd: Oh God he's dead!
Parot: Naw, stick a pencil up his ass, he'll move.
Two guys are buying a parot
1st guy: He's mine!
2nd guy: No, he's mine!
1st: No, He's mine, damn it!
The guys continue arguing as they walk out of the petshop. they are half way home when a car almost hits the 2nd guy.
2nd guy: That b!tch! He almost hit me!
The guys start cursing about bad drivers and continue walking. When they get home they find a dead cat on their door step.
2nd guy: Oh God he's dead!
1st guy: Naw, stick a pencil up his ass, he'll move.
(Ok....I won't go into the details....)
The guys go to church the next day, and they bring the parot with them.
Pasture: The Lord is ours
Parot: He's mine. No, He's mine. No, he's mine, damn it!
The Pasture then throws a book at the parot.
Parot: That b!tch, he almost hit me!
Unexpectedly, the Pasture has a heart attack and dies.
Church Crowd: Oh God he's dead!
Parot: Naw, stick a pencil up his ass, he'll move.
A liberated family, Husband, wife, son, go to the nude beach. After a little while the boy runs up to his mother and says
"mommy, mommy, all the ladies have bigger bobbies than you"
"Well, son, the bigger, the dumber"
a little while later he runs up and says
"mommy, mommy, all the men have bigger wee-wees than daddy"
"well, son, the bigger, the dumber"
a third time he runs up and says
"mommy, moomy, daddy is talking to the DUMBEST woman you ever saw, and the more he talks to her, the DUMBER he gets."
"mommy, mommy, all the ladies have bigger bobbies than you"
"Well, son, the bigger, the dumber"
a little while later he runs up and says
"mommy, mommy, all the men have bigger wee-wees than daddy"
"well, son, the bigger, the dumber"
a third time he runs up and says
"mommy, moomy, daddy is talking to the DUMBEST woman you ever saw, and the more he talks to her, the DUMBER he gets."
darkChild
Holder of the Ildatch
that's pretty funny...
heres one:
There were two high school sweethearts who went out together
for four years in high school and were both virgins and
enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th
grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the
same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the
east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime
they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the
girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take
weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she
took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to
him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this
very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails
trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and
now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her
back. So what she did was this:
She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new
boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend
with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me
alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but
even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was
awesome:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom
and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more
money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.
heres one:
There were two high school sweethearts who went out together
for four years in high school and were both virgins and
enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th
grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the
same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the
east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime
they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the
girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take
weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she
took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to
him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this
very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails
trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and
now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her
back. So what she did was this:
She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new
boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend
with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me
alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but
even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was
awesome:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom
and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more
money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.
darkChild
Holder of the Ildatch
heres another one:
On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed,
surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic!
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white
shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the
day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time
the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real
bad.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing
she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'
'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now
for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at
last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.'
'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'
On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed,
surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic!
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white
shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the
day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time
the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real
bad.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing
she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'
'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now
for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at
last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.'
'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'
scorch
Legalize Pot
hey thats great! i have only heard one of those jokes before.
Keep it up please.
Keep it up please.
Simon Darkshade
Mysterious City of Gold
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. Eventually little Johnnys turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
An old farmer decides that it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an O.K. job but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster, "I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you are the new stud in town?, I bet you really think you are hot stuff, don't you ? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house. We'll run around it 10 times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster, "and since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap, I'll still win easy." So the two roosters go over the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathered around to watch. The race begins and the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. after the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he is still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard the commotion, he runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the young roosters chasing after the old rooster. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..."Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he had developed an experimental machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. He explained carefully that the machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father. Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful (and very fair) idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor set the knob on the machine to ten percent for starters, explaining to the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he felt and asked the doctor to go ahead and turn it up a notch. The doctor twisted the knob up to twenty percent and checked the husband's blood pressure, which was fine. Amazed, the doctor turned the knob again and increased the pain threshold to fifty percent. Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give him ALL the pain. Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to one hundred percent. After his wife had given birth, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep.
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God.... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine" said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, and the beautiful women playing in the water????" "Oh, that was the DEMO," replied God.
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, " He doesn't know what you're talking about " The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
An old farmer decides that it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an O.K. job but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster, "I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you are the new stud in town?, I bet you really think you are hot stuff, don't you ? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house. We'll run around it 10 times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster, "and since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap, I'll still win easy." So the two roosters go over the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathered around to watch. The race begins and the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. after the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he is still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard the commotion, he runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the young roosters chasing after the old rooster. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..."Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he had developed an experimental machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. He explained carefully that the machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father. Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful (and very fair) idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor set the knob on the machine to ten percent for starters, explaining to the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he felt and asked the doctor to go ahead and turn it up a notch. The doctor twisted the knob up to twenty percent and checked the husband's blood pressure, which was fine. Amazed, the doctor turned the knob again and increased the pain threshold to fifty percent. Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give him ALL the pain. Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to one hundred percent. After his wife had given birth, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep.
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God.... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine" said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, and the beautiful women playing in the water????" "Oh, that was the DEMO," replied God.
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, " He doesn't know what you're talking about " The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
King O'Rome
Warlord
There were two gansters driving on the road. The leader war named Shut-Up, and the other one, who was very polite, was named manners. They were driving in seperate cars, and on the way they were going to get their newest member, Crap. When they reached him, Shut-Up decided to keep going and get some gas. Manners stopped. At the gas station, the man asked his name.
"Shut-Up," replied Shut-Up.
"That's not very nice. What's you're name?"
"What, do I stutter?! Shut-Up!"
"Where are your manners?"
Shut-Up, not hearing him correctly, replied, "Manners is 1/2 mile back, picking up Crap."
"Shut-Up," replied Shut-Up.
"That's not very nice. What's you're name?"
"What, do I stutter?! Shut-Up!"
"Where are your manners?"
Shut-Up, not hearing him correctly, replied, "Manners is 1/2 mile back, picking up Crap."
darkChild
Holder of the Ildatch
ok... this joke is weird as hell. its pretty disgusting, i thought so too while i was reading it but by the time i got to the end, i was ****ting in my pants, excuse the pun.
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie
come out, but there is no poopie in the
toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you
poopie it out, see it in the
toilet, but there is nothing on the
toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you
wipe your butt 50 times and
still feels unwipped, so you have to put
some toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear, so you won't ruin them with a
stain.
Second Wave Poopie- This happens
when you're done poopieing and
you've pulled your pants up to your
knees and you realize that you have to poopie some
more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were
you strain so much to get it out, you
practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of
poopie that is so huge, your
afraid to flush without first breaking
it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy,
everyone within earshot is
giggling.
Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where
you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on
the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where
it hurts so badly coming out,
you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power
dump) The kind that comes out of
your butt so fast, your cheeks get
spalshed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where
yellowish-brown liquid shoots
out of your butt and splashes all
over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poopie- It smells so bad
your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind of
poopie that doesen't smell.
The Suprise Poopie- You are not
even at the toilet because you
are sure your about to fart, but
OOPS!- a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie- This poopie
refuses to drop into the toilet
even though you know you are done
poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will
cut it loose.
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie
come out, but there is no poopie in the
toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you
poopie it out, see it in the
toilet, but there is nothing on the
toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you
wipe your butt 50 times and
still feels unwipped, so you have to put
some toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear, so you won't ruin them with a
stain.
Second Wave Poopie- This happens
when you're done poopieing and
you've pulled your pants up to your
knees and you realize that you have to poopie some
more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were
you strain so much to get it out, you
practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of
poopie that is so huge, your
afraid to flush without first breaking
it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy,
everyone within earshot is
giggling.
Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where
you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on
the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where
it hurts so badly coming out,
you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power
dump) The kind that comes out of
your butt so fast, your cheeks get
spalshed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where
yellowish-brown liquid shoots
out of your butt and splashes all
over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poopie- It smells so bad
your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind of
poopie that doesen't smell.
The Suprise Poopie- You are not
even at the toilet because you
are sure your about to fart, but
OOPS!- a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie- This poopie
refuses to drop into the toilet
even though you know you are done
poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will
cut it loose.
Darchild, the full version of the **** list is posted in the humor section at the mod asylum site. (link to there in the link section of the main site.) And this thread is for jokes newer than 5 years old.
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