Discussion in 'Imperium OffTopicum' started by NinjaCow64, Jun 24, 2020.
Sadly no, it's R63 Lucifer from Shin Megami Tensei.
I'm telling you, the game gets weird.
Nah, more like the crazed mage or shaman that ends up having his casting magics backfire on him and the world .
Being a fiend warlock pays well.
Such is the power of Chaos!
Joan, I love you, but if you don't articulate what your problem is, I'm gonna start treating these akin to TFox's furry spam.
I am become a teenager, destroyer of worlds.
Can't you get a mulligan?
There be heat and humidity, tomorrow potential thunder: such is this British August.
By the way Master of Magic is a joy indeed to play once more.
Just when I think I'm getting better I come into this thread and all is undone.
Since I'm basically Daria I can just tell you it doesn't improve later on in life.
the video games do though
Dude, there's Lego games. So mixed results, really.
Please come and help me get out of bed in the morning.
I've been thinking about what happened, its causes, and my plans for the future.
What happened yesterday was a combination of things. I always thought of myself as being relatively moderated, both here and IRL - and in my history here I've never caused a major drama prior to this one.
I worked hard on the game right after months of enduring toil of completing my college thesis, so from the outset I was probably not in the best mental state. Throughout the process of designing the game, I would begin the day by starting off with some idea, some setting, and some mechanic only to just flip flop and change the next day - this is a process that happened again and again throughout a month. That was entirely my own fault, I've always been somewhat of an overthinking perfectionist with high expectations of myself - sometimes expectations that I can't deliver. That end product - the game that I posted in its final form that you saw - was a result of me mentally bargaining with myself to give up the level of standards and expectations that I would've want to uphold. Still, I published it in a state I'm comfortable of running without the feeling that I'm running something that doesn't fit what I wanted at all - but it is at a state in which I expect the very barebones standard I've set to be upheld in its full. Yet, even at that state, some people managed to get some major details wrong. One said that they'd don't want to play at all because because I told them to rework their idea. One came in defense of said person, bringing up that they're mad of me telling said person to rework that idea - and saying that said person's presence or not in that game would affect them.
So within the span of less than 24-hour of that game's launch and death - my emotion went from tired, excited, disappointed, - and just angry.
Now that I've spent a night thinking and sleeping over the issue, I could see things in more clarity.
Some of you may say that I should've handled that far better than I should, that the events that transpired look artificial and out of nowhere - and now see me in a very bad light. You're completely right. Even with the context I've provided there, my reaction there was completely unfounded and unjustified - given that I wasn't really dealt with something that was offensive at all that warrants any kind of negative reaction. But it was something that I think had to happen. Had it not, it would still happen in the future.
Because those were just the specific triggers for that particular incident that tipped me off the edge - alone on its own, what happened wouldn't have happened at all.
For the entire time I've been in IOT, I've been burdened. In real life, I'm pretty good at getting along with everybody - and in IOT, I've always worked to do the same - and up until the incident, I've felt that I did a good job at it. Though it had always came at a great mental cost. Behind the scenes, I know a lot of dirty laundry consisting of a lot of things that some of you may have done to each other. Some of these, I know on a personal level - some, I heard detailed accounts of, while others I have vague glimpses of. Some of these things I know some of you have done to others are horrifying - and it burdened me deeply to maintain a straight face while talking to some of you knowing what you've done to my other friends - or when I talk to said friends about these issues knowing well I still maintain comfortable relations with these people whom had harmed them so much. Doing this, namely managing and balancing the complicated web of people with a pile of dirty laundry was mentally taxing - some days it would be fine, but others are beyond horrible - and from all of this, my greatest burden would be to not stand up for those whom had been harmed - because of my preference to having many friends, and zero enemies - I'm never the most confrontational person. So for a long time I preferred all of us to just sit with each other in peace, even though what we sit on is a pile of dirty laundry - and even when the concerns of people whom had been unjustifiably hurt remained unaddressed.
Prior to this, I did leave to some degree before, at least from the main social circle in main chat. It was sometime after some foolish drama in the chat that I can't really remember - that had pushed me on the verge - plus the fact that some of my closest friend in the chat had given up for similar reasons. Like this one, my decision to leave then was atop of the aforementioned fundamental issues I have with IOT. In the end, it was a good decision - I became mostly detached from most of the drama - and from the burden of having to maintain that straight face on a public level. Despite that, there were still many ways in which the stench of those dirty laundry would come to me - and I still would sometimes be entangled in some of these issues; but most of all - the fundamental issue of trying to balance everything and the burden of hearing old and new terrible stories, and not standing to fight against it kept haunting me. My departure then just managed to cut some of those elements out, and reduce the growth of the pile of mental guilt - but it was still there, and still growing.
At the moment I'm entering a new phase of my life, with a lot things IRL changing for better or worse. I wanted to rekindle something from the past and just have good old fun, that one thing being IOT - and with activity being rather minimum recently, I opted to run my own game. I know this with a full understanding of the cost that it may entail - namely throwing myself right back into the entangled web of mess that I had always strive to untangle myself from. I also know the fact that GMs in particulars would often be embroiled in the middle of these dramas. So what I've done was mentally preparing myself for drama. Looking back, it wasn't a healthy approach - to come to a place with the expectation of encountering problems.
So what happened, happened: I came back to a house I haven't been in a long time and was welcomed warmly and eagerly, but I know some terrible things that had happened in the house and what some of the occupants had done - so I brought with myself a fully loaded gun. When the tiniest sight of problem came to me, all the images of terrible things just fall upon me - and I unloaded my clip.
While I'm sorry for the hurt and the pain that I may have caused, especially to the innocent ones caught in the crossfire - this isn't really an apology of what I've done or to clear my name. Like I said, it was going to happen. It should've happened in the past, it happened now, and if it didn't, it would've happen in the future. In a way, I'm somewhat glad that it happened, so that I can finally say all of this. The main point I really want to make is for the community, or whatever is left of it to take a serious look at the issue and deal with it, I don't really know how at this point.
As for myself - I'm not one with the greatest of things going on for me in life, but I've always been one that could cope relatively well with whatever problem is thrown at me. Though at this point, I've been dealing with the same kind of unchanging problems here for 6 years, and ones that I could do little to alleviate - and evidently, from the events that had transpired - it tolled on my mental health. So after thinking on it and sleeping on it, I come to the thought that I should follow the few others before me and depart. This time permanently, and one in which I think, for the best, should be done with no half-measures.
So for most of you - some who I consider my closest and best friends - those whom had made me keep me one foot in the community when I left for the first time - I'm deeply sorry that I need to cut all of you as well, everything in this community is too interconnected for me to just stay out of the parts that would cost me and pull me back into the fold.
For the few others - I don't maintain any grudge or hatred towards any of you. I care for your sake to a great degree as well. I hope that you can, like myself, see this as an opportunity of self-reflection - and grow as a better person.
It truly has been a great ride, and I don't regret much of it, but I know that this my stop.
Farewell, and best of luck to all of you.
My condolences Reus. I hope for the best for you.
Take care, good friend. Hope to see you again sometime.
Farewell. I hope that you find greener pastures.
Farewell my friend. It was an honor having played with you.
I don't know you particularly, reus, but as I always say, if the forum's bad for you then stay away from it. For your own sake. Better to have you safe and offline than endangering yourself because you're online.
Separate names with a comma.