[RD] Ask a trans person II: 2 trans 2 sexual

[schlaufuchs]

Hello! My name is Sophie, Soph to friends. As I’m sure everybody is extremely aware at this point, I’m transgender - I was labeled a boy at birth, but now identify as a woman and go by she/her pronouns. I’ve always been aware of this identity to some degree or another (I’ve seen others refer to it as “bread crumbs”), but didn’t fully accept that I was trans until about two and a half years ago. Since then I’ve undergone the process of transitioning; coming out to friends, family, and at work. I started medically transitioning last February, and had my name legally changed last December. Today I am Sophie pretty much everywhere.

I’m starting this thread because @GenMarshall mentioned that he wanted a place where he could ask questions without being attacked, and there’s been no real place for that since the original ask a trans person thread got shut down. Stray questions just kinda wind up drowned out as crossposts in big drag-out fights, or left hanging at the end of petered out threads.

So, I asked, and emzie, the OP of the last thread agreed, to start a new thread. To that end, allow me to make this promise: I will try to the best of my ability to keep this thread a judgment-free space for people to ask questions - any question at all, no matter how silly, obvious, offensive, esoteric, or mundane that concerns trans people, the trans experience/journey, trans health, trans culture, trans politics, etc. I will, to the best of my knowledge and ability, answer any question you have, and will strive to ensure that nobody will be mocked, bullied, insulted, or demeaned for any question earnestly asked in the interest of learning more about us. Feel free as well to ask any follow-up questions you might have or for clarifications.

However, I am not interested in having a debate in this thread, and will not respond to attempts to turn an answer into one. This thread is for questions for trans people and answers for those who want to learn more about trans people.

I welcome other trans people to chime in and provide their own answers to these questions, I am, after all, but one doll whose knowledge is limited by her own experiences. However, I refer back to the promise above: only respond if you are going to answer a question earnestly and respectfully. If you do not have kindness and patience to offer to the asker, then do not answer. Likewise, if you are not interested in hearing the answers we offer or respecting the time it takes us to answer them, then please do not ask the question. It should go without saying, but if you are not trans, do not answer a question or attempt to do so. Why opine on what you think we would say, when the whole point of this thread is for us to tell you directly?

Please do not respond to those trying to have a debate, or whom you believe to be asking or answering questions in bad faith. Rather, report the post or let me or @emzie know. She has graciously agreed to keep an eye on this thread in order to make sure it doesn’t devolve into trans debate thread #47485928.

Any trans folk who want to chime in, please introduce yourself (how you identify, pronouns, name you’d like to go by), just so askers can know who is answering, and in case they might want to ask a question for a specific person.

Ok I think that’s about it! Ask away!

 

[RobAnybody]

I'll get things started off with what is likely a very silly question: What do you think about the phenomenon of many male gamers playing as female characters? I'm currently playing a second run of Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous as a female character & it's not uncommon for me to do so with other games. It's a 3rd-person isometric game, so it's not about enjoying how she looks - she's a tiny blob of pixels even zoomed in. Just for the record, I'm not looking for you to answer with regards to me in particular, just wondering if you have any insights as to why this is quite a common phenomenon?

"It doesn't mean anything" & "that's a silly question... next?" are perfectly acceptable answers. Just wondering if you had any particular insight.

 

[emzie]

edit: I forgot to introduce myself here, so editing a later post into this one.

Hi! I'm Emily, 36. I started transitioning in 2015, when it seemed like a better idea than it does today. I had sex reassignment surgery in January 2022. You can ask me about that, but don't get weird.

I'll get things started off with what is likely a very silly question: What do you think about the phenomenon of many male gamers playing as female characters? I'm currently playing a second run of Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous as a female character & it's not uncommon for me to do so with other games. It's a 3rd-person isometric game, so it's not about enjoying how she looks - she's a tiny blob of pixels even zoomed in. Just for the record, I'm not looking for you to answer with regards to me in particular, just wondering if you have any insights as to why this is quite a common phenomenon?

"It doesn't mean anything" & "that's a silly question... next?" are perfectly acceptable answers. Just wondering if you had any particular insight.

I don't think it means anything. Also, I am that exact stereotype. I was sitting right here not too long ago when I realized the Night Elf priestess I was roleplaying in WoW was a blatant self-insert.

 

[Sarin]

I'll get things started off with what is likely a very silly question: What do you think about the phenomenon of many male gamers playing as female characters? I'm currently playing a second run of Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous as a female character & it's not uncommon for me to do so with other games. It's a 3rd-person isometric game, so it's not about enjoying how she looks - she's a tiny blob of pixels even zoomed in. Just for the record, I'm not looking for you to answer with regards to me in particular, just wondering if you have any insights as to why this is quite a common phenomenon?

"It doesn't mean anything" & "that's a silly question... next?" are perfectly acceptable answers. Just wondering if you had any particular insight.

I think I can answer that (at least for 3rd person perspective games).

If I am to stare at someone's backside for hours, it better be a woman's backside.

 

[emzie]

I think I can answer that (at least for 3rd person perspective games).

If I am to stare at someone's backside for hours, it better be a woman's backside.

That's what she said!

 

[schlaufuchs]

I'll get things started off with what is likely a very silly question: What do you think about the phenomenon of many male gamers playing as female characters? I'm currently playing a second run of Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous as a female character & it's not uncommon for me to do so with other games. It's a 3rd-person isometric game, so it's not about enjoying how she looks - she's a tiny blob of pixels even zoomed in. Just for the record, I'm not looking for you to answer with regards to me in particular, just wondering if you have any insights as to why this is quite a common phenomenon?

I mean I dunno. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything. People play as all kinds of different characters and genders for all kinds of different reasons. Sam Riegel played as a goblin woman for like 141 episodes of critical role, and he’s, as far as I know, a perfectly secure and content cis het man.

I will say though that a great many trans women have used gaming and board games as a stigma-free way to explore their gender identity. My fantasy characters growing up were all either elaborately backstoried and fleshed out women (many named Sophie) or extremely flat nondescript, personalityless meathead dudes. Once I started actually working through the notion that I might be trans (in my early 20s), I used Bloodborne and The Sims to very intentionally enact a female identity without arousing suspicion.

The “I play exclusively female characters because I’d rather look at a woman’s butt than a man’s” to “dress go spinny” pipeline is very real.

"It doesn't mean anything" & "that's a silly question... next?" are perfectly acceptable answers. Just wondering if you had any particular insight.

I meant what I said: no question too silly. Other posters have noted that whimsy has died in OT. We should endeavor to encourage its return

 

[Gori the Grey]

Love the subtitle.

Here I am trying to get onto the first page of the thread a reference to the Gender Dysphoria Bible that Igloo Dame mentions in her signature. I would want it to operate in two ways: 1) as a first resource for cisgendered posters, and 2) as a kind of test of good faith. In another thread Igloo said, "if anybody reads that, she'll answer any other question." I'm not committing her to that in this thread or saying that the info there should compete for authority with what schlaufuchs says (because I think schlaufuchs actually has her finger on more advanced thinking on the topic than appears in the Bible), but I think that's a useful standard for ferreting out questions that aren't being asked in good faith.

https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en

 

[Synobun]

Do you think that it's imperative for trans people to stay up to date on anti-trans legislation in their country?

(There's a deluge of anti-trans bills right now in the US, for example. If a trans person cuts themselves off from that kind of news, are they "hurting the cause"?)

My context for this question is that I tend to avoid news about disability, especially ones related to mine. I find that my ability to do anything about it is nonexistent, and so exposure to the torrent of bad news only serves to make me feel worse. Many in my particular corner would say I'm practicing internalized ableism or someone who's thrown in their lot with the "enemy." Is there something similar in trans circles?

 

[emzie]

Is there something similar in trans circles?

Yes, many many times yes. I'm training, learning to hold my breath for longer at a time, but I have to take breaks from engaging with trans issues / trans circles or I start drowning. Your description

My context for this question is that I tend to avoid news about disability, especially ones related to mine. I find that my ability to do anything about it is nonexistent, and so exposure to the torrent of bad news only serves to make me feel worse. Many in my particular corner would say I'm practicing internalized ableism or someone who's thrown in their lot with the "enemy." Is there something similar in trans circles?

I feel seen by that. I really appreciate your perspective and thank you for sharing it.

Back to,

Do you think that it's imperative for trans people to stay up to date on anti-trans legislation in their country?

(There's a deluge of anti-trans bills right now in the US, for example. If a trans person cuts themselves off from that kind of news, are they "hurting the cause"?)

I don't know the right answer to this, and deeply feel that conflict.

 

[Lord of Elves]

Do you think that it's imperative for trans people to stay up to date on anti-trans legislation in their country?

(There's a deluge of anti-trans bills right now in the US, for example. If a trans person cuts themselves off from that kind of news, are they "hurting the cause"?)

My context for this question is that I tend to avoid news about disability, especially ones related to mine. I find that my ability to do anything about it is nonexistent, and so exposure to the torrent of bad news only serves to make me feel worse. Many in my particular corner would say I'm practicing internalized ableism or someone who's thrown in their lot with the "enemy." Is there something similar in trans circles?

The present legislative situation in the United States - and in the United Kingdom, Sweden, Norway, and other nations - exposes the limitations of our institutions, and our ability as individual citizens or as groups of citizens to meaningfully influence them, or to enter into a duel with them. Following the news, outside of staying informed in regards to your own safety, doesn't do much on its own. I think anyone who expects you to remain glued to the screen for the latest unhinged screed, or Pontius Pilate-esque government statement, has odd priorities, especially if you yourself are a member of the involved group.

I seem to be in good company with many long-term posters in being transgender. I follow what I can stomach, with special attention given to the activities of institutions that can affect me personally and immediately - for example, my US state government. I think asking anyone to do more than that - outside of donating, signal-boosting, marching, and whatever else - is pointless.

EDIT: Oh, right.

My name's not important, and I'm a transgender woman.

 

[Evie]

Yes, there are such elements of the trans community, and they don't like me and the feeling is extremely mutual.

I do much the same as you (I try to keep a general awareness of how things are going, but I try to steer clear of the specifics). I cannot make America not be..well, America, and I can barely affect even what happens even in Alberta. I have even less influence when it comes to the UK. The best I can do is continuing to familiarize others with who I am, and with trans realities, and that requires me to keep up my strength (rather than constantly driving myself into depressive spirals by focusing on every individual problem) and focus on the actions I can take. I will pick my battles, thank you very much, and I will see to it that I'm in good enough mental shape to actually fight effectively the fights where my actions matter. Rather than squandering them for internet cookie points.

I used to try and empathize with everyone. And it burnt me out so badly that I've realized taht other people's pain, even the pain of other people who are a lot like me, is not mine to carry. Helping when I can meaningfully help, sure. Sympathy where my voice matters, of course. But no internalizing the pain of other people simply because we happen to be part of the same group.

 

[schlaufuchs]

I think generally as a trans person or a queer person, simply surviving, loving, living a full and joyous life is in itself a political act of defiance in the face of a government that would gladly see us dead.

Beyond that I think I’m more or less in line with what emzie, LoE, and Evie have said. You see this attitude in the broader left all the time too, I kind of feel that the people who direct their ire inward at those within their own community whom they deem to be “not doing enough” are too-online and projecting their own insecurities on others, or else are holding the weight of the world on their shoulders and are setting themselves up to burn out. I say do what you can to keep yourself alive, and anything additional you can do to help keep your siblings alive is a net plus.

 

[RobAnybody]

Beyond that I think I’m more or less in line with what emzie, LoE, and Evie have said. You see this attitude in the broader left all the time too, I kind of feel that the people who direct their ire inward at those within their own community whom they deem to be “not doing enough” are too-online and projecting their own insecurities on others, or else are holding the weight of the world on their shoulders and are setting themselves up to burn out. I say do what you can to keep yourself alive, and anything additional you can do to help keep your siblings alive is a net plus.

Thank you for saying this. I think that goes a long way towards what we've (in CFC that is) seen expressed in other threads, & I've felt myself, as "walking on eggshells" when it comes to these topics - trying to be an ally but afraid to step on a landmine & thus... just not engaging. I appreciate you starting this thread.
EDIT: Not to turn what you said outwards to us, it was just... appreciated.

 

[Lord of Elves]

I think generally as a trans person or a queer person, simply surviving, loving, living a full and joyous life is in itself a political act of defiance in the face of a government that would gladly see us dead.

Beyond that I think I’m more or less in line with what emzie, LoE, and Evie have said. You see this attitude in the broader left all the time too, I kind of feel that the people who direct their ire inward at those within their own community whom they deem to be “not doing enough” are too-online and projecting their own insecurities on others, or else are holding the weight of the world on their shoulders and are setting themselves up to burn out. I say do what you can to keep yourself alive, and anything additional you can do to help keep your siblings alive is a net plus.

At the risk of being sanguine and living to regret it, I do think that a lot of this will seem very dated in a few years' time. This is not at all to downplay that people are being hurt, deeply, in ways that will scar them for life. But I wish often I could appropriately disconnect, because I have been blessed with supportive peers and the ability to (presently) meet my own needs, and the fear I, frankly, live in so much of the time, is damaging my ability to have and maintain relationships with others.

 

[schlaufuchs]

Thank you for saying this. I think that goes a long way towards what we've (in CFC that is) seen expressed in other threads, & I've felt myself, as "walking on eggshells" when it comes to these topics - trying to be an ally but afraid to step on a landmine & thus... just not engaging. I appreciate you starting this thread.
EDIT: Not to turn what you said outwards, it was just... appreciated.

Oh no I was just talking about my trans siblings. I fully expect all cis allies to immediately throw themselves in front of oncoming trains to protect us

In seriousness though, any help you can offer is appreciated, especially help in which you are willing to put your own material comfort on the line. The only ask I make is that you don’t speak over us and you listen to us when we tell you what we want. Far too many cis allies seem to get it in their heads that they’re some kind of cis Moses sent to free us trans slaves from bondage, and get really bent out of shape when we don’t shower them with praise for it.

 

[IglooDame]

Any trans folk who want to chime in, please introduce yourself (how you identify, pronouns, name you’d like to go by), just so askers can know who is answering, and in case they might want to ask a question for a specific person.

Ok I think that’s about it! Ask away!

Greetings all! My name is Sharon. Or Miss Q in certain circles. Yes, transgender, she/her pronouns please. I'm 53. I grew up occasionally trying to dress in women's clothes, and self-identified as "shamefully weird", because no internet in a middle-class neighborhood where even homosexuality was taboo. Suppressed all the weirdness going through the Naval Academy (realizing that I'd be expelled/discharged literally overnight if anything got out) and it was a few years later that I got on AOL and figured out there were people like me, called crossdressers or transvestites. That pretty much stuck until 4-5 years ago when I started wondering if it was "just a fetish", figured out it wasn't (aka "my egg cracked), came out to my wife 18months ago, and started transitioning (including starting HRT) a few months after that, and am now legally and socially 100% transitioned.

Ask away indeed! I'm usually careful to differentiate between my own opinions and what I've seen as being common in the community, as I'm in a few Discords where there's over 25K trans folk for a couple years now plus I'm active in a couple local trans groups, nevermind being amongst the wonderful siblings here.

 

[IglooDame]

Do you think that it's imperative for trans people to stay up to date on anti-trans legislation in their country?

(There's a deluge of anti-trans bills right now in the US, for example. If a trans person cuts themselves off from that kind of news, are they "hurting the cause"?)

My context for this question is that I tend to avoid news about disability, especially ones related to mine. I find that my ability to do anything about it is nonexistent, and so exposure to the torrent of bad news only serves to make me feel worse. Many in my particular corner would say I'm practicing internalized ableism or someone who's thrown in their lot with the "enemy." Is there something similar in trans circles?

Oh my goodness yes. Yesterday I responded to the statewide FB trans group I'm in asking if we could keep the "hey so-and-so state is about to pass this other anti-trans legislation" limited to only our own state because it was starting to feel like a bombardment and it's not like we can do anything about other states' lawmaking. I'm pretty damn resilient but even I have to tune it out sometimes.

A more common issue in trans circles is "stealthing vs activism", I think.

 

[Evie]

In essence, much of the Allyship that gets decried is the Nice Guy (tm) problem all over again: people who expect to be showered with praise and rewarded for merely being a decent person.

Relatively few people have a *problem* with people genuinely trying (even if they sometime get it wrong) so long as they're willing to accept that they can make mistake and to try again when that happens.

Oh, and I guess I should join the introductions now - Geneviève/Evie, Transgender, she/her pronouns, I'm 41, and there's little to say about my experience that others haven't already said. Experimenting with dressing up, more at home with girl books (Babysistters Club!) than boys book, internalized a lot of transphobia from the Very Healthy social environment that was the 80s-90s (harharhar). Buried it deep though it kept surfacing anyway, until Emzie here started transitioning and I started confronting my identity more and more. And then one night six years ago (well, six years and two days to be precise - I consider it an important anniversary) a friend posted a clumsy facebook post about trans people, I started talking with them about it and talking about what I learned...and getting more and more personal about it with every word until I realized that I was describing myself all along and then the dam finally shattered. I had my first appointment with a therapist five weeks later, and started hormones three months later. By October of the next year my legal and social transition was complete.

A more common issue in trans circles is "stealthing vs activism", I think.

I prefer quiet defiance over both. One needs not speak or be aggressive to openly defy the social order, when the simple act of being oneself is inherently a statement of open defiance.

 

[RobAnybody]

...came out to my wife 18months ago,

OK, in the spirit of the thread... how did that go? As per my above questions, "business: none of yours" is an acceptable answer.

 

[IglooDame]

OK, in the spirit of the thread... how did that go? As per my above questions, "business: none of yours" is an acceptable answer.

Being sort of anonymous here (other than two decades of posting about private stuff), I can be pretty much completely transparent.

She knew, from when we got together 20yrs ago, that I was a 'crossdresser'. In fact she was kind of into that. She reminded me that evening that she asked me back then 'if I wanted to be a woman' and I said no. Of course, at the time I was at best hiding it from myself, but she still felt betrayed about it. For about six months we went back and forth on whether we could Make It Work or not, and in the end decided to amicably (and gradually) separate. In the next couple months we'll be selling our house and moving to different places, then getting a legal divorce (we consider ourselves divorced all but legally already and merely roommates). Honestly, our marriage was slowly fading over the last decade anyway, possibly because my being asexual and gradually more am-I-trans-ish, intimacy went away, so I regard coming out as having abruptly accomplished what was inevitable anyway.

Most marriages seem to follow the same path when the 'husband' comes out, though the level of animosity from the cis-wife varies widely. I wouldn't blame either side for the breakup when it does happen that way, though. Some minority have the cis-wife and marriage adapting.