Hi Greywulf, hope all is well and thanks for sharing your experiences. I just recently and I mean very recently learned my younger brother is dealing with what I assume to be BPD, seemingly to go from states of mania to depression, abusing substances to deal with personal pain, panic attacks at work, and now at a place where he 'doesn't trust' professionals in mental health and no longer is going to therapy though trying to get prescribed some medication from a psychiatrist. We did not grow up together and have not been in touch for a long time, and I have been trying to reach out to see how he was all year having heard he was having some troubles, so when I finally got through I learned most of this stuff and he also shared that he was suicidal and well that he constantly has those kind of thoughts. He did not specifically share what is going on or what he has been diagnosed with (except that he has been) and he refuses to stay with me based on the fact that in the past his experiences with me has sometimes been confrontational in conversation (if we have differing opinions I strongly argue my perspective to the point that in all honestly I may seem dismissive to the other person's) and he recognizes this would not be conducive to his mental health (unfortunately we had again such a conversation about some of the things he was expressing on social media that he himself showed me that same timeframe after I reached out to him). So now I am at a place where I know he is dealing with a lot of stuff and not seemingly able to really support himself, but he is also not really opening up for help, either from me or at this point professionally. In your personal experience do you have any advice for how someone in my position (family but never been close, not a trusting relationship - very concerned) should best approach this situation?
I am reaching out for professional support on the matter but I greatly value the life experiences that people can share here, thanks in advance for any insight.
I hope that I can be helpful. First thing that came to mind is to just be there for him and don't disappear (not that you would disappear, but I want to cover this point), and I felt the need to say this first since that is a particularly big deal for people who have BPD. We want to believe that we won't be abandoned, but our brains seem to be wired to think that abandonment is inevitable, and in many cases the person with BPD may act out, sometimes to test that belief, which often enough actually drives people away. It's a bit of a vicious cycle that feeds on itself unfortunately, and being self aware of this is a tremendous first step to progression. As you said, your brother has been diagnosed, which is good for getting that self awareness of living with BPD. So what I'm saying here is that if he does act out or seem to be pushing you away, don't buy that, because deep down in actuality he wants to see if you care enough to hang around anyway, and that you love him despite his problems. It ends up being a great comfort when people hang around anyway, and that helps too when the person with BPD does the self hating, since they can reason that others love them despite their imperfections, so they can too. Additionally, one is far less likely to actually go through with suicidal thoughts when they can think of people who truly care about them and know that these ones would be deeply hurt if they died.
Suicidal behaviour is sadly very common with BPD (might be the illness with the highest percentage of suicides), as it is a particularly grueling and cruel condition to have to live with, and thought to be the most emotionally painful. The average attempts of suicide for BPD is three attempts, I believe, and if someone with BPD talks about suicidal thoughts, take them seriously. Although admittedly I have also a couple of times attempted suicide in the past, I've also held myself back from it many more times due to individuals who truly care about me, being horrified at the idea of hurting them in any way...Enduring the agony was better than hurting these ones that I love. You too can make that difference for your brother.
Try to learn as much as you can about the condition, and if his condition is comorbid with other conditions (comorbidity means that the condition is co-occuring/existing with another condition) research that as well. That information will go a long way with understanding your brother and knowing how you can help him. If you can, try to get others to help him as well. The more caring people in his life, the better. People with BPD don't thrive at all in isolation, even if it outwardly looks like they seek it (they aren't seeking it, but it can look like it), so being around lots of people who understand and care is very healing.
Don't neglect yourself either however, as if you burnout then you won't be much help to others. In some cases of BPD, it can be at times draining to be around the individual. I'm not sure what it is like in your situation, but just make sure you look after yourself too.
Thank you for reaching out for help for your younger brother. That shows that you really do care, and I hope that you can get lots of support. Hope that was helpful!
Do researchers have any idea about the cause? Is it chemical or hardwired? So much of what we are is determined by hormones during gestation I tend to believe its a chemical imbalance and that the right chemical brew can be taken to create more balance.
