Can women and men just be friends?

[Boundless]

I am facing a dilemma in my menial existence. I spend the majority of my time with a group of lads who are amazing fun and have made my university life over the past three years a blast. A few of them, especially, I have been particularly close to, in a perfectly innocent manner (or so I thought...)
However, I am now leaving Brighton and leaving these boys behind. Most of them are staying on to apply to Drama school, start film companies or just bum about working etc etc. This has prompted THREE of them now to declare they have feelings for me beyond a friend, two of whom have told me they're totally in love with me.
I was always under the impression that men and women could be just friends without any complication as long as it started out that way. I'm starting to think otherwise.
What are your opinions on this? Can women and men avoid all the problems of a 'normal' friendship or is there always going to be that sexual tension involved?
I put it to you, panel!

 

[rugbyLEAGUEfan]

One of my top 3 closest friends is a female and I can honestly say in over 20 years the issue has never even arisen . It just takes a bit of maturity ( mostly on my part , cause she's hot ) . It's great having a platonic female friend . I don't always wanna talk about sport and cars.

 

[Hitti-Litti]

Sure they can, for example I have a good friend who is a member of the opposite sex (and no, I'm not just trying to get laid with her). It's just more rare than women&women and men&men friendships.

 

[Silurian]

Yes but it can be hard.

It depends what people want and what they think the other person wants.

And not wanting to miss out on something that could be good.

 

[Boundless]

Yay this is what I like to here. And 100% yes so far! My faith is being restored!

 

[Aegis]

Yes, they can "just be friends," however it is only natural for a physical attraction & common interests to lead to thoughts of romance. What it mostly boils down to is self-control. Some people do not really want to have that control, and then there are people who need that control, because they are married (for example) or have other things going on in their lives that would prove to be a major obstacle to such an endeavor. If you are an attractive woman it is only natural for this sort of thing to happen.

The majority of my friends have always been female because I have an easier time relating to them socially than I do with guys (for reasons I'm not going to get into here), but only one of those girls grew to have romantic feelings for me after we had become friends. I'm a pretty logical guy, so even if I found one of them attractive, if I knew that it would not work in the future due to personality quirks/whatever, that would be enough for me to not try to form a romance.

 

[SuperJay]

Haha, yes, of course. It's just more challenging in your early 20s.

There won't always be sexual tension or latent attraction on one side or the other. Several of my closest friends are females, and I don't harbor secret feelings for them nor they for me, as hard as that may be to believe, given my rugged good looks and scintillating wit.

In most of those cases, though, there's a clear recognition that we would never work as a couple. One friend in particular is a wonderful, gorgeous woman and we get along great, but we're ideally suited for being friends. If we were in a relationship, we'd drive each other absolutely crazy. Friendship gives us the space for our personalities to coexist in good humour, caring, and compassion because our differences don't cause any friction - she can give me a good ribbing over my cynicism (which I exaggerate for her benefit) and I can tease her about being so damned chipper all the time, but those differences aren't irritating because we're not forced to live with them 24/7.

You just have to give those boys some space to realize that being friendly with an attractive woman doesn't automatically mean you're perfect relationship material for each other.

 

[The_J]

[x] possible, if both are not sexually attracted to each other.
else...

 

[NovaKart]

Think of the advantages of becoming a fag hag. We would be glad to have you

 

[Lay_Lay]

Um YES.
Every 'too cool for school' chick has her BFF gay male friend.
So YES.

 

[Supr49er]

Possible, yes. Likely, no.
A woman can be friends with a guy easier than the other way around in my experience.

 

[Lambert Simnel]

Without meaning to be pessimistic, the way you've phrased the question, and the way this community is, you were always going to get plenty of replies on the lines of "of course it is - not for everybody, but I'm a special kinda guy and I have one/many/dozens of special female friends who I wouldn't dream of sleeping with".

Maybe the above posters are genuine, I have no idea. But when a young, intelligent woman posts a question on the line of the one you have above, on a geeky video game based forum such as this, you have absolutely no chance of getting a fair representation of anything much at all.

Just out of interest, is this actually a problem, or perhaps is it that you now think less of the friends mentioned ?

 

[Silurian]

Yay this is what I like to here. And 100% yes so far! My faith is being restored!

You should get 100% yes because that is the logical answer.

As your OP demonstrates men and women can be friends,

The men who are attracted to you viewed you as a friend more than anything else.
Now that you are all going your separate ways maybe never to see each other again things can get confused.

 

[LucyDuke]

Of course they can. Even sexy heterosexuals. I have more good friends that are men than women, occasionally there's some sexual tension but you can get over it.

 

[Boundless]

Without meaning to be pessimistic, the way you've phrased the question, and the way this community is, you were always going to get plenty of replies on the lines of "of course it is - not for everybody, but I'm a special kinda guy and I have one/many/dozens of special female friends who I wouldn't dream of sleeping with".

Maybe the above posters are genuine, I have no idea. But when a young, intelligent woman posts a question on the line of the one you have above, on a geeky video game based forum such as this, you have absolutely no chance of getting a fair representation of anything much at all.

Just out of interest, is this actually a problem, or perhaps is it that you now think less of the friends mentioned ?

It's become a problem with one of the said boys - the other two not so much - but that's because the relationship I had with this particular boy has always been very close - we'd happily sleep in the same bed together and I'd think nothing of it (though I haven't done that for a long while now since being with someone else). He has asked not to see me while I'm in Brighton because he finds it too hard. I don't think less of them at all - I just find myself thinking through my actions around them a lot more and it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

 

[illram]

Yes, but it is harder when everyone is single and young.

edit: whoa, sleep in the same bed together? Methinks it a wee bit naive to act totally shocked when said "friend" comes back around and wants to take things a step further.

 

[Boundless]

Yes, but it is harder when everyone is single and young.

edit: whoa, sleep in the same bed together? Methinks it a wee bit naive to act totally shocked when said "friend" comes back around and wants to take things a step further.

Oh no no no, I totally accept that was probably too far, but to declare his LOVE for me three years after not telling me... :/

 

[Lambert Simnel]

Ah, that's tough. I suspect you were seeing him more the equivalent of a close girlfriend, however male sexuality (nor female sexuality, come to that) isn't something which can just be ignored into nothingness. If you were sharing a bed, but he didn't make a move, then he's probably awfully timid (and scared of losing a good friend?) rather than content with a platonic relationship.

Don't worry. He'll probably get over it. Give him a year, and he'll have moved on (21 year old men are usually damn good at that) and you can meet up and really have him as a friend again.

 

[illram]

Well he may have dilly-dallied but you should have known better.

 

[Alassius]

I was always under the impression that men and women could be just friends without any complication as long as it started out that way. I'm starting to think otherwise.

They can, but men generally hope to be more than friends with any attractive women. "As long as it started out that way" is a fairly womanish way of thinking. Men don't think like that, and frankly can feel being used when they are told so.