Che's Oddest New Stories of 2007

[Che Guava]

I told you I couldn't go cold turkey

As some of you might be aware, I am taking a sejour from CFC-OT (effective as soon as I press "Submit New Post"...I promise!) but I couldn't leave without one last thread on the subject I love to post on more than anything: whacko new stories that have no business being in the news anyhow! So courtesey of Time Magazine, Voice of Reason.com, and Bad-News-Day.com, here is Che's official Dozen Oddest Sotires of this year of our Lord, 2007

Take a peak, have a laugh, and add your own (there are certainly betterones!). And have a happy holiday folks!

#1. A Major Head Case

Spoiler :

Margret Wegner underwent surgery in August to remove a pencil that had been stuck inside her head for 55 years. The German woman had suffered from chronic headaches and nosebleeds after falling at age 4 with the writing implement in hand. "The pencil went right through my skin and disappeared into my head," she said. It was too risky at the time to remove the three-inch object, which did not pierce any vital parts of her brain. But thanks to significant technological improvements, this summer surgeons in Berlin were able to remove all but the pencil's tip.

#2. A Need for Bigger Buoys?

Spoiler :

Some women in the Australian Navy may be noticeably perkier since the government helped pay for their breast enlargements. The Navy said the cosmetic surgeries were carried out for psychological reasons and that without the procedures the female sailors would have been classified as unfit for deployment. But some politicians were up in arms over taxpayers footing the bill for an increased cup size, with one calling the government-funded breast enhancements a "questionable practice."

#3. Scotty's Ashes 'Crash' Into Mountain

Spoiler :

James Doohan, who played the original Star Trek Chief Engineer Montgomery "Scotty" Scott, died in 2005.

His last wishes were for his ashes to go into a suborbital 'memorial ride' to the top of the world's atmosphere before returning to earth, the ashes to be returned to his family.

The flight took off from Spaceport America, New Mexico, on April 28.

But something went wrong.

First they thought they had lost the rocket on which his and 200 other people's ashes had flown
Then they found it in New Mexico's San Andres range...

But it is only accessible by helicopter.

The rescue committee is being organized and will soon be on their way...

#4. Cheesiest Judge Summing Up In History, All In Beatles Songs... Uhm..

Spoiler :

Apparently, according to the site, a judge in Montana gave his summing up using just Beatles song titles.

This happened after the defendant, 20 year old Andrew McCormack, wrote this note to the judge: "Like The Beetles say, Let It Be" after being asked what sentence he would suggest for stealing beer.

Judge Gregory R Todd responded with the following summing up:

"Your response suggests there should be no consequences for your actions and I should Let It Be so you can live in Strawberry Fields Forever."Such reasoning is Here, There And Everywhere. It does not require a Magical Mystery Tour of interpretation to know The Word means leave it alone. I trust we can all Come Together on that meaning.

"If I were to overlook your actions I would ignore that Day In The Life on April 21, 2006. That night you said to yourself I Feel Fine while drinking beer. Later, whether you wanted Money or were just trying to Act Naturally you became the Fool On The Hill.

"As Mr Moonlight at 1:30am you did not Think For Yourself but just focused on I, Me, Mine. Because you didn't ask for Help, Wait for Something else, or listen to your conscience saying Honey Don't, the victim was later Fixing A Hole in the glass door you broke. After you stole the beer you decided it was time to Run For Your Life and Carry That Weight. But the witness said Baby It's You, the police said I'll Get You and you had to admit You Really Got A Hold On Me.

"You were not able to Get Back home because of the Chains they put on you. Although you hoped the police would say I Don't Want To Spoil The Party and We Can Work It Out you were in Misery when they said you were a Bad Boy. When they took you to jail you experienced Something New as they said Hello Goodbye and you became a Nowhere Man.

Later you may have said I'll Cry Instead. Now you are saying Let It Be instead of I'm A Loser. As a result of your Hard Day's Night you are looking at a Ticket To Ride that Long And Winding Road to prison.

"Hopefully you can say both now and When I'm 64 that I Should Have Known Better."

#5. Sleepwalking in the Buff

Spoiler :

British budget hotel chain Travelodge reported a seven-fold increase in sleepwalking from the previous year and noted that 95% of the somnambulists had been naked men. When the company released the results of its annual sleepwalker audit in October, it reissued guidelines on how hotel staff should handle wandering snoozers, including keeping a supply of towels behind the reception desk to protect their dignity.

#6. Ho-Ho No-No

Spoiler :

[One more time for this one ]

Santas in Australia may sound a little less jolly this season after word spread that they had been asked to stop saying "ho ho ho" and to use "ha ha ha" instead. One disgruntled would-be St. Nick said the traditional phrase had been banned because it might be offensive to women. But the management company running the Santa training sessions maintains that it was only a suggestion, and that the greeting is being left up to the discretion of each individual Santa.

#7. Groom Accidentally Marries Best Man, Shock

Spoiler :

Loughborough, UK: Imagine the groom's surprise when, after returning from his honeymoon, he finds out that he has legally married his male best friend of 20+ years...

33 year-old Chris Adams did just that, according to British tabloid The Sun.

It all happened when Gemma, 19, the intended bride, had accidentally signed her name in the witness box after the marriage ceremony...

...then the best man had accidentally signed where the bride should have signed.

Apparently it's not a problem, but it must have given them a bit of a shock.

A new certificate will be drawn up for the couple with the correct information...

This report was first seen on Ananova.

#8. A Synonym for Streetwalker

Spoiler :

British legislation is calling for the removal of the word "prostitute" from criminal statutes. The term has been around for 180 or so years, but in July the Justice Ministry argued that the word carries too much social stigma. Ministry officials are pushing to replace it with the phrase "persons who sell sex persistently," which is defined as twice or more within a three-month period. And the bill would do more than just play with nouns: It would decriminalize less frequent selling of sex and introduce new measures to try to get sex workers out of the industry.

#9. Naughty Signs?

Spoiler :

Mr Tumble, a kids TV presenter on the BBC's Something Special, greets deaf preschool children by rubbing the palms of his hands together between his thumb and index finger. He's even smiling from ear to ear when he does it.

It all seems very innocent.

He's saying 'I'm happy to see you', in the Makaton sign language.

Unfortunately, there are different versions of sign language.

The language Mr Tumble is using is one designed for children with learning difficulties.

According to some reports we have seen on the internet, the same sign in British Sign Language, the much more common version of sign language, means

"I'm FiretrUCKING you!"

It appears that the problem was helpfully brought to the attention of the world's media by an employee of the Royal National Institute for the Deaf (RNID) who claims to have been watching the show with his 5 year-old daughter. She asked him what the sign meant.

Reports are that the RNID had advised the BBC that there could be confusion caused by using Makaton, rather than British Sign Language...

#10. A Hairy Online Auction

Spoiler :

Here's a worthy contender for world's weirdest promo: Baseball trading-card company Topps obtained three strands of George Washington's hair from a historical hair collector, attached them to Washington "relic" cards and inserted them into regular packs of baseball cards. In September, one of the relics ended up on eBay, where bidding reached $8,300 before the item was pulled for violating site policies. The problem? An eBay member complained the founding-father memorabilia should not have been listed as a baseball card.

#11. Man wakes up during his own autopsy!

Spoiler :

Heavy sleepers beware, here is a nightmare of a story from Venezuela.

A young man earlier declared dead, woke up screaming in excruciating pain to find medical examiners had began an autopsy on him.

The young man, Carlos Camejo, thrity three, had been declared dead after being involved in a gruesome freeway incident. His body was taken to the local morgue where medical examiners began the autopsy. They realised something was wrong when the body began bleeding from the scalpel incisions. They frantically began to stitch up the incision to his face.

According to a local newspaper report on Friday, Camejo said, “I woke up because the pain was unbearable.”

Not long after Camejo awoke, his distraught wife arrived at the morgue , thinking she was there to identify her husbands body. Much to her surprise she found him in the corridor, alive.

#12. Microsoft Santa chat gagged after teen sex talk

Spoiler :

He knows who’s been naughty and who’s been nice, but Santa’s online presence leaves a lot to be desired.

Microsoft had set up a “chat-bot” Santa to talk to children around the world and spruik the company’s online products.

A “chat-bot” is an online personality run by a computer program that mimics natural conversation patterns. The creator adds some information about topics, and the program takes over from there.

Windows Live Messenger users could add northpole@live.com to their contacts and then converse with Microsoft’s Santa agent programmed with standard festive-season responses.

The conversation was meant to be quite polite, the only problem was that “Santa” became quite unsavoury after a few innocent comments.

UK technology news site The Register was alerted to this problem by a reader whose two nieces, aged 11 and 13, allegedly received comments about oral sex after offering the chat-bot a virtual slice of pizza.

The Register produced a similar response by urging Santa to “Eat it!”, which received the response, “You want me to eat what?!? It’s fun to talk about oral sex, but I want to chat about something else…”

Calling Santa a “dirty bastard” elicited the retort, “I think you’re dirty bastard.”

Microsoft has since gone into damage control, shutting down the chat-bot to new users, blocking areas of Santa’s Live Space profile, and editing his responses to include more PG-rated content.

According to The Register, the chat-bot now won’t fall for the pizza bait, and calling him a “dirty bastard” only makes him wish a “Merry Christmas, especially to all my friends in the UK!”

Microsoft have apologised for any offence caused.

Have a good one CFC, and I'll see you sometime in 2008 for some more funny news....



EDIT: And Appologies to Turner if I've kind of jacked his "World of The Wierd". It's all yours now bud...!

 

[Love]

BYE CHE THE GUAVA WHICH NAME I THINK IS BRILLIANT!

 

[Kozmos]

Number 2# and 12# are made of win.

 

[Newbunkle]

#12 was the best. LOL