Dilemma about room mates

[imperfect.la]

I am currently in a big dilemma. I moved into my dorm room fall 2007, with two room mates. To keep everyone's identity secret, I shall refer them as room mates A and F.

Room mate A is cool. He's chill, stylish, clean, and a nice person. The problems that I have with him are relatively minor and are expected with anyone (time problems, having guests over, space issues, etc.), but something I could tolerate. I like the guy, but on the otherhand he's very rarely in the room (whereas, I am), I rarely see him, and as much as I like him I wouldn't exactly consider him more than my room mate (not as a friend).

Room mate F, on the other hand, is unbearable. When I first met this guy I thought: "Wow, this guy is kinda weird, but whatever, I'm at UCLA at a fairly liberal campus and part of California so I guess I should embrace diversity and get along with him or something." Unfortunately, it can not continue. I've lived a whole quarter and I have decided that there's no way I am living with him again. It's almost impossible to live with a person who's really socially ******** and doesn't understand basic things like "stop singing Disney songs 24/7" or "take a shower more than once a month" and on the other hand a complete jerk. I could go on days and days on how much I despise this person but I shall spare you. The only reason I don't confront him on most of these matters is because I'm afraid he'd pull a knife on me when I'm sleeping or do a Cho-Seung Ho style massacre (strangely enough he looks and talks like the guy).

I'm presented with two options, so I am in a moral dilemma.

1) I have talked to several Resident Advisors, and found a room wherein there are two frat/party guys and 1 nerdy guy who can't stand them. He wishes to move out, because they are bullying him 24/7. This is where I want to move into, and as long as everyone agrees it will be done.

2) However, room mate A wishes to solve this problem somehow. He wants to force the room mate F to move out somehow (100% impossible as far as I'm concerned at UCLA's current policies), work with me because he likes me and wants to work it out.

The moral dilemma is that I have not informed room mate A (or F) that I am currently negotiating a room mate switch, and I think I would feel like a real . .. .. .. .. .. .. . if I made room mate A live with room mate F and some nerdy guy and abandon him.

Either way, I'm not staying in this room next quarter, no matter what.

What should I do?

 

[CaptainF]

Do what A suggests and throw F out on his ass.

 

[imperfect.la]

Do what A suggests and throw F out on his ass.

I would love to, but UCLA doesn't do that. Essentially, UCLA believes in diversity and they would never do that, you can't evict someone unless they break a rule or something. That's what the two guys in the room that I want to move into tried to do - evict that guy. He didn't want to, so I guess they bullied him and let him know that he's not welcome so he took the hint. My room mate would never take the hint (literally, he's crazy or autistic or something).

 

[Hygro]

Roommate A is a competent guy who can take care of himself. But you should inform him your plans because it's wrong to surprise people like that. He should have time to explore his options, as if its sprung on him after winter break, he's stuck. And that's wrong. So you need to tell him.

 

[Hygro]

I would love to, but UCLA doesn't do that. Essentially, UCLA believes in diversity and they would never do that, you can't evict someone unless they break a rule or something. That's what the two guys in the room that I want to move into tried to do - evict that guy. He didn't want to, so I guess they bullied him and let him know that he's not welcome so he took the hint. My room mate would never take the hint (literally, he's crazy or autistic or something).

Oh and the new roommates sound like terrible people.

 

[imperfect.la]

Alpha males. Nothing terrible about that, just a different style.
I would have probably reacted the same way if I had a little bit more testosterone in me.

 

[warpus]

Alpha males. Nothing terrible about that, just a different style.
I would have probably reacted the same way if I had a little bit more testosterone in me.

What makes you think they're not going to bully you when you move in?

 

[illram]

Alpha males.

I believe the correct term is "douche bags."

 

[GenMarshall]

Being a Commuter does have it's advantages. No roommates .

 

[Mise]

I think the problem here is that if someone wants to move out, it's because there's a problem with the other roommates. So no matter where you move out to, you're likely to encounter the same problems.

But anyway I'd try and talk to the guy, give him a good bollocking.

 

[zahathustra]

Stay where you are nobody can guarantee it would be a good idea for you to move into a room with two bullying people unless you are quite sure that you go along with them.

If you ever want to change your room, talk about it with A. Let him know that he's going to stay with F and N.

 

[Hygro]

you can be an alpha male without being a cruel person.

And hell, why not talk to F?

 

[imperfect.la]

you can be an alpha male without being a cruel person.

And hell, why not talk to F?

You don't understand, you can't talk to F. F doesn't understand, he's beyond moral decency or understanding; he will do thing that annoy you without knowing he annoyed you, and if you confront him about it he will become emotional about it. It's impossible.

 

[Hygro]

This guy isn't stupid, he has enough verbal intelligence to understand anything you articulate to him, otherwise he would not have scored high enough on the SAT reading section to overcome his lack of leadership extracurriculars to get into UCLA.

Unless he becomes so emotional (covering his ears, shouting at you, leaving, crying) that you can't explain what needs to change and what isn't working (as opposed to you becoming too uncomfortable with his emotions to go on with the conversation), I don't see why not.

What your last post basically told me is that this kid lacks social awareness and doesn't even know when he's being weird. That means he probably has intellectual understandings of things and therefore a friendly but calculated explanation of stuff will actually make sense to him (given his competency in going to UCLA).

 

[downtown]

I had this EXACT same problem at American my freshman year. I told A about it, because I felt guilty about leaving him all by himself with F. We decided that if I bolted, I'd help find another normal person to be the 3rd roommate. If I couldn't find anybody, I couldn't leave until next semester, when everybody could leave.

Lucky for me, I found a replacement.

 

[Gelion]

This guy isn't stupid, he has enough verbal intelligence to understand anything you articulate to him, otherwise he would not have scored high enough on the SAT reading section to overcome his lack of leadership extracurriculars to get into UCLA.

Unless he becomes so emotional (covering his ears, shouting at you, leaving, crying) that you can't explain what needs to change and what isn't working (as opposed to you becoming too uncomfortable with his emotions to go on with the conversation), I don't see why not.

What your last post basically told me is that this kid lacks social awareness and doesn't even know when he's being weird. That means he probably has intellectual understandings of things and therefore a friendly but calculated explanation of stuff will actually make sense to him (given his competency in going to UCLA).

I agree with Hygro. I dont know about your personality, but you seem like an intelligent person. It would be a far more rewarding solution to work with this guy F and fix that problem or at least try to improve it. Yes anti-social people are a drain on your reputation and can be annoying.

On a personal note lets just say that I wasn't the most sociable person through most of high-school. Integration adn language problems. I dont like to remember about these years, even though they were not that bad. As a consequence I've carried a lot of problems I gained with me to uni. You know what? I've worked it out. Thanks for the people that didn't give up on me or shunned me when I acted wierd. I dont have any problems for few years now. I am friendly, intelligent, fit and lovable (forgive the advertisement). In return I've managed to help and improve a few others. It is a rewarding task.

The reason these shootings happen is because these kind of people cannot find the balance, nor accept the realities of this world. They are vulnerable and hurt. Quite often people those who are directly responsible for their crimes (those who took them off-course) are not themselves victims.

It takes a special kind of personality to want to change things around, but everyone would feel better if you do. This guy is not 40, so you can help him and make another strong, valuable member of American society rather than some childminded looser who's only passion in life is revenge for all that people made him come through. Its will not be easy and both of you will give up a few times along the way. I realise you have a life besides this situation, but it doesn't take that much time. Thats my opinion.

 

[LightFang]

Definitely should tell A, because he's cool.

Both of you guys should try to turn F around. I know you might think it's impossible, but both of you might be able to do it. Remember, he did make it into UCLA, so it's not like he's a complete idiot.

 

[Leonel]

You will accept his unique lifestyle or else!

 

[Slaughter]

Try to work it out with the F guy. Maybe know him better, understand him and socialise more with him.

If that doesn't work, then you and A better find a way to get the guy the hell outta your room.

Or you can do it the sonuva way: Just kick his a$$ out.

 

[imperfect.la]

There are some problems you can reconcile, that is true. I used to have an annoying friend in high school, that, whenever around any people besides me, he would start talking . .. .. .. . about the only person he knew (me), just to appear cool. He was also an annoying person in general and would act strange, anti-social, and say stupid things and talk too much. I helped this guy change to a good degree. However, this person is different.

He's not normal. He's autistic or something, or at least has Asperger's. He can not handle criticism, he responds in a pseudo-angsty emotionally charged hissy fit. He just doesn't get it - and I doubt he ever will. He doesn't want to get it. He doesn't see that he has a problem. He's content in living in his bubble, and doesn't care about anyone but himself. This guy doesn't even understand the concept of a joke.