Emotionally Unavailable?

[Prince_Imrahil]

So, you are talking to a girl who your are NOT romantically attracted to but she is your best friend, she confides everything in you and one time she tells you the most important dates on the calender to her, and one of them you ask why, and tells you its a day when she was being self-destructive and the man in her life:
"He told me he did not care if i cared about myself then but he loved me and was not going to let me do anything to something he loved and he was going to make me see myself how he did"
this is very meaningful and important to her, took her a lot to tell you, how and with what do you respond with?
I did not know what to say and went, "ok, i know why that dates there"
....and naturally she took it as i was ignoring what she said and didnt care and was pretty much a brick wall to her, this upset her very much. and frankly its not the first time she thinks you are like a brick wall to her, not emotionally invested in what she shares with you even though its her heart and everything.
What to do?? what would you say? how to talk about stuff like that?

 

[DNK]

You just need confidence in yourself to be open about these things and share. It's not something everyone can just walk in to easily.

If you're not used to it, and not comfortable with feelings, you're going to have issues dealing with others' feelings.

And it's not necessarily what you say, but how you say it and react. I mean, you don't need to say something equally profound or deep, or necessarily anything at all in these situations, so long as it registers in a communicable way.

I would say whatever came to mind, and have an idea of how I'd respond, but typing it out would pretty much be pointless. The words aren't the most important thing, and it's got to be you there, not me.

 

[LightFang]

Be charming. Just smile and nod. Remember: the woman is always right.

Just go with your heart. Only you can judge these situations. The beauty of a scene loses its effect when talked about, when dissected into words and syllables.

 

[obliterate]

Learn to . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Make up stuff that she would find 'deep' and all that crap. It also helps in English essays too and interview. In fact, it's a very important life skill.

 

[Immortal Ace]

Remember: the woman is always right.

That's why women are such neurotic messes. That sort of thinking only encourages them. I've dated so many women that I swear to god needed a good backhand across their face to put them in their place.

"I want _________"

"No, I don't have the money for it; even if I did, we only been dating for a _ months. Why would I buy this for you as if you were my life mate?!"

"blah blah blah <angry> blah"

ugh. Damned western women and their princess complex.

 

[Gr3yL3gion]

lol, women are the same everywhere, not just western.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

That's why women are such neurotic messes. That sort of thinking only encourages them. I've dated so many women that I swear to god needed a good backhand across their face to put them in their place.

"I want _________"

"No, I don't have the money for it; even if I did, we only been dating for a _ months. Why would I buy this for you as if you were my life mate?!"

"blah blah blah <angry> blah"

ugh. Damned western women and their princess complex.

Well, that's offensive.

Newsflash, guys: if you can't find the words, chances are a sincere hug would help.

 

[Fetus4188]

The Golden Rule. The only reasonable way to deal with others. It's amazing how few people follow it, or even know what it is.

 

[Grisu]

That's why women are such neurotic messes. That sort of thinking only encourages them. I've dated so many women that I swear to god needed a good backhand across their face to put them in their place.

"I want _________"

"No, I don't have the money for it; even if I did, we only been dating for a _ months. Why would I buy this for you as if you were my life mate?!"

"blah blah blah <angry> blah"

ugh. Damned western women and their princess complex.

hint: maybe you should start dating another type of woman.....

The Golden Rule. The only reasonable way to deal with others. It's amazing how few people follow it, or even know what it is.

true, such a simple principle, yet so many people just don't get it....

 

[Mise]

If you don't know what to say, how about you just keep schtum?

 

[Brighteye]

If she doesn't take it the right way, she's just looking for it to be the wrong way. It seems to me that you weren't trying to mock her or make light of the situation, and it ought to seem that way to her too.
You might mention that you can't pick the perfect words, but that sounds like it means a lot to her. If she wants the perfect words of sympathy, whether or not you're capable of finding them, you might direct her to
a) a psychologist
b) The Gideons
c) English literature

 

[DNK]

lol, women are the same everywhere, not just western.

I don't know about that. There are plenty of places where women more or less serve their man and are fairly subservient. It may not be solely the West where there are the more self-centered types, but it's hardly everywhere.

And lets not forget that men can be just as self-centered and demanding.

Really, if all the women you've dated are messes, you should really reconsider how you approach dating. There are definitely non-messes out there that don't constantly ask for material goods...



Anyway, to give an idea of what I'd personally say - and because this is in type it will not come out right, but so be it:

I'd ask her how that turned out. How did she feel about/see herself. Ask her questions, keep it going. If she gets shy or turns cold, press it a little bit, but if she gets very uncomfortable or a few encouragements don't get her to open up more, let it go. Then you've shown that you cared at least.

Like they say, ask questions. You could also just remark on what she said, and tell her you hope she didn't actually feel that way, or that you think she's worthwhile, etc, but I think the ask questions method is less prone to disaster.

 

[LightFang]

That's why women are such neurotic messes.

<snip>

I don't understand what you mean. My girl's always right, but she never makes me buy random junk from her. She's intelligent and a feminist.

Look, guys: always date a feminist. They always want to go Dutch on things, so it's good for your wallet. All you have to do is make a feeble, half-hearted attempt to pay for everything, which she will then refuse, insisting on "equality" (although we get to make a buck for every seventy-five cents she makes), and then the bill will be split nicely in half, making all sides happy.

The downside is that you might have to deal with a ********. But, then, she wouldn't go on a date with you, you male chauvinist, would she?

 

[cFccFc]

Did something that might be compared to this once.

This girl got a boyfriend. I think she is smoking hot. She likes me alot as a friend, dunno more.
We had been partying togheter, when we were on the vorspeils (before parties), we always went along togheter, sometimes she sat on my lap, or at least with me in the sofa. She also wrote her name on my pants in a heart, and scrambled over another girls name who also was in a name. (We were wearing http://media3.origo.no/-/cache/image/180637_h67e3c864e3f2b9f24710_260x260.jpeg these pants which is quite a tradition in Norway and are ment to be written on)

So a day before we went out another time she sms'd me and told me to go out with her. I said perhaps, i just had to check with my other friends if I was going an other place and would give her a sound. OFC I was just playing hard to get, and had no other plans.
But anyway, she said that I had to go out with her, because it was no fun without me there. So we went out togheter, had alot of fun. We sat togheter and watched a football match, the local team played which is very important for these people in this town. It was fine enough.

Getting to the point now.
A friend asked me if I wanted to go to another party with him, and I said perhaps. But the girl didn't want to. So I left it there. But then she suddenly after some minutes just walked away from me and sat with a mate of me, we are all good friends togheter and that was really no problem. But I took it as she "dissed" me, eventhough she just walked over to our friend to sit with him. So I started talking about the party with my friend to check if there was any reaction on her side about it. Ofc she became pissed off, and the other friend of me wanted to go to the party as well. So we made us ready to go, but she just sat in the sofa so while everyone started to get dressed I went over to the sofa with her to try to get her to the party as well. But it didn't work, and she went off out the door crying. Appearently she was so dissapointet over me, that she just went out the door and started crying and stuff. I had to run after her, and talked with her. After about 15-20 minutes she was fine again, and we went off again. Before again she started crying and I hade to sit with her again cheering her up with gentle touches and good words. AND OFC HER BOYFRIEND JUST HAD TO MAGICALLY SHOW UP FROM NOWHERE Typical eh. She went with him and I didn't see more of her. But the next day, we planned on getting up togheter with all other graduates at 7 am and then 11 am in the city. She showed up at 11 am, and we went all along in the "parades" (national day tradition for graduates).

She walked around with me. Eventhough both I and her got other friends there. And then next week she "commands" me out on the city with her, but I refused. I asked her how it was, and she tells me that she was with her freaking BF. WTH? Why would I go out with her and her boyfriend?? I didn't, am glad.

The point in this little story is, making a women that likes you crye is easy and its a pain in the ass to invest so much time when you wont be getting any "good stuff" back. You know, if there is no romance in it, no thirdbase possibility. And she is beautiful enough for you wanting to get to all three bases, and she talks alot with you and wants to be with you.. just try to ignore her now and then.. Thats halfly what I am doing now. What do she want? To much.

This week I made her so curious by asking her if she had something to do the next day, and since she had to work there was no point in telling her what it was. She both sms'd and called me, still havent told her what it was. Was freaking funny.

 

[DNK]

It sounds more like you were trying to put the moves on her than trying to be her friend.

Friendship and a trusting relationship are "good stuff". Not everything is sexually-oriented. She obviously didn't see you as a proper mate, and just wanted to be friends, or if she was interested, you blatantly blew it. The frustration you had was self-inflicted, pretty much.

 

[cFccFc]

It sounds more like you were trying to put the moves on her than trying to be her friend.

Well of course, shes hot. But again, I havent done any moves as she is occupied. I really dont care much about it, as I really am a brunette type, never in my life been in love with a blonde before and I am not in love with her now. Somehow (read genes) I find it hard to fall in love with blondes. I could with this fine example, but then I would have to start it with some kissing or something first.

Friendship and a trusting relationship are "good stuff".

The thing is, that I am only with this chick when I am on school or we do something with thoose at school, so I wont get that type of relationship with her unless we actually starts dating, which we wont since she got a boyfriend. The only frusrtation is that she seem so keen on being with me, eventhough I really dont see it as so important. Last day at school, I walked around with her in the city for a while. When we came back, she always walked around where I was, or wanted me to go where she went. When the day was over, I just walked out, and she came halfly running after me, because she wanted to walk with me back.

Not everything is sexually-oriented.

I know, had my bit of female friends. Wasn't totally serious, but still the way she is might be frustrating as she wants to do alot with me, like partying, but if am partying with HER she wants US to be togheter that night. That means that I will be with her, and no other girls. But still there is no chance for me in her now, which makes it a bit frustrating as I want to be with girls. I just dont understand her thinking

She obviously didn't see you as a proper mate,

Thats it. But I helped our out, and after one hour or so, i got a small little SMS that was really nice. "Thanks for showing that you cared about me ... ". So I played it cool, and now its nice.

 The frustration you had was self-inflicted, pretty much.

Havent blew anything, am playing it very cool when am with her. Thanks for responding mate.