Eyes

[Heretic_Cata]

Yes, it another anti-social question thread.

The one that tested the ability to judge people's emotions by looking at their eyes got me thinking.

I can't look people in the eyes (for more than a few seconds). And not someone in particular, everybody in general.


I can think of a few reasons why i can't.

1. I'm afraid people might see through my eyes.
2. While growing up, i never wanted to look in my parents eyes too much. I am beter off not seeing their opinion about me all day. (after, let's say 20 years it really starts affecting you) It's a sort of defence mechanism.


Anyway, the thing is, i can't control this thing at all. My eyes involuntarely jump to another spot if i look too long. Forcing myself doesn't work very much. Sometimes it does, but rarely.

I do remember last year i went to a doctor to get a paper saying i can't do P.E. this year. When i got out of his office i thought: "Hey, i looked in his eyes the whole time. How the hell did i do that ? " What's even stranger is the fact that i lied to him almost the whole time. It's just that i had the papers saying what i might have even tho i don't; i'm in treatment and i'll probably never have it.


So, how to change ? How to look in people's eyes ?

 

[GenMarshall]

I have been wondering the same thing. I avoid eye contact with strangers due enpart of my shyness.

 

[ArneHD]

I'm qite shy, but I never had that problem. I usually size up anyone I meet before approching, and the eyes tell a lot about the person. Well, their mood anyway.

 

[Kyriakos]

You cannot know someone's emotions by looking at their eyes, or at any other part of their body. The fact is that you will never be able to know another person's emotions, because they are not your own. You can only imagine what they could be like.
The only way to be more confident with people is to guess that they too are human beings, and so they too have to deal with their own issues, and deal with them in their own, inevitably unique way, which to another person could make a very different impression than the one it makes to them.
Looking at the eyes is not much more than a social cliche, although lack of the ability to do it can be seen as an obvious symptom of shyness.

 

[cegman]

Try this for me Heretic_Cata go to a place like the mall and do your shopping but try to make eye contact with as many people as you can. If you feel unconfortable take a break and go shopping in a video game store. But everytime you leave the store you have to stay out longer. Of course you don't have to just walk around the mall you can do real shopping to but there you should make eye contact with people while walking around and with the cashier.

 

[Abaddon]

I love looking into my gf's eyes.. and have no problem holding someone elses gaze.

 

[The Last Conformist]

I rarely look people in the eyes, or so I'm told. Couldn't tell you why.

 

[Lonpone]

I've struggled with this problem myself for many years, and I've finally found a solution that works quite well for me. It seems it's uncomfortable and even unsettling to make prolonged eye contact for more than three or four seconds, so casually look at the bridge of their nose or avert your eyes to look at something far off when they're talking and nod a lot, with remembering to make eye contact whenever talking yourself. If they're especially close, under a foot, I find that if I back up a little, it opens up the opportunity to see their whole face which makes looking at them, and their eyes, even easier.

 

[Heretic_Cata]

You cannot know someone's emotions by looking at their eyes, or at any other part of their body. The fact is that you will never be able to know another person's emotions, because they are not your own. You can only imagine what they could be like.

Actually it depends.
I usualy hide my emotions - and another emotion can be read on my face.
And acording to that test i seem to know how to read what people are showing. (be it true or false)

The only way to be more confident with people is to guess that they too are human beings, and so they too have to deal with their own issues, and deal with them in their own, inevitably unique way, which to another person could make a very different impression than the one it makes to them.

Kinda vague.

Try this for me Heretic_Cata go to a place like the mall and do your shopping but try to make eye contact with as many people as you can. If you feel unconfortable take a break and go shopping in a video game store. But everytime you leave the store you have to stay out longer. Of course you don't have to just walk around the mall you can do real shopping to but there you should make eye contact with people while walking around and with the cashier.

Intresting. I do that sometimes - looking strangers in the eyes everywhere. But i look away if they look at me.

I've struggled with this problem myself for many years, and I've finally found a solution that works quite well for me. It seems it's uncomfortable and even unsettling to make prolonged eye contact for more than three or four seconds, so casually look at the bridge of their nose or avert your eyes to look at something far off when they're talking and nod a lot, with remembering to make eye contact whenever talking yourself. If they're especially close, under a foot, I find that if I back up a little, it opens up the opportunity to see their whole face which makes looking at them, and their eyes, even easier.

I never understood how this works.
The eyes themselves express nothing at all. If you look at a gauged eye you can't really tell anything.
It's the face muscles that express what ppl feel.
That's why looking at anther spot on the face never worked for me.

But the idea is not all that bad. It is easier to look at people when you look at something on their face. But imaginary spots never did work for me. With some people it is a bit easier ... i try to focus on the hair/moustache/beard. Something that doesn't move around that much. Of course, this too doesn't always work.

Hey, this gives me an idea. Maybe i should try to focus on the eye like it is an organ. View it as a simple object, unrelated to the person.
Sclera, cornea, choroid, crystalin, retina. I gotta focus on those. I dunno if i'll be able to do that while talking, but hey, what's the worst that could happen.

 

[Ramius75]

Depends, if its the guy, most of the time i wont have problem looking into their eyes especially when having a conversation. But i got the habit of staring at the breast when talking to girls... not just milliseconds but secs at time... i think they knew im talking to the chest too hence,they often cover it up when talking to me.... -_-" but i will force to look into the eyes of the superior in case they want to scold me.

 

[Kyriakos]

Sclera, cornea, choroid, crystalin, retina. I gotta focus on those. I dunno if i'll be able to do that while talking, but hey, what's the worst that could happen.

You could forget that you actually consciously made yourself see the eyes as "objects" unrelated to the person, and then wonder in the future just why you cannot see the eyes as part of a living face.

Generally it is best to avoid such 'weird' approaches, due to the fact that they are easily forgotten and then can become part of the problem themselves. At least keep notes of them so as to negate such a worry.

But in reality, as you can understand yourself, you should treat the cause, not the symptom. So you could think of what other people mean to you.

No one can ever know how the other person thinks (not the reality of the thought at least) , and definately not by just looking at them. For all you know they are looking at one way and in reality they are hiding a very different feeling. Im sure you would not be able to tell how i would be feeling, for example

 

[Quinzy]

i allways look directly into peoples eyes. unfortunately, it creeps alot of people out :\
others just hold the gaze back. once someone thought i was flirting with them by doing so

start off with your friends, tell them about your.. problem?.. and try holding your gaze with them. maybe that'll work..

 

[Ansar]

I usually only stare at someone if I'm trying to freak them out. And it works!

 

[aneeshm]

I make it a habit to look deeply into the eyes of girls as they walk past me, just enough to let them know that this is not a casual glance, but not enough to creep anyone out.

It always works in arousing their interest.

 

[Heretic_Cata]

You could forget that you actually consciously made yourself see the eyes as "objects" unrelated to the person, and then wonder in the future just why you cannot see the eyes as part of a living face.

I doubt it would work in the first place. But if it does, i'll probably wonder about the bad part in several years or so.

But in reality, as you can understand yourself, you should treat the cause, not the symptom. So you could think of what other people mean to you.

Well... the thing is i assume i know how this whole things started; but i don't know why it still affects me. It can't just be fear of being judged - i mean i can't even look in the eyes of people i know i'll never see in my life. Plus i did some bad things to some people without looking in their eyes; i'm quite sure that they weren't thinking good things, but that never bothered me, i just didn't look in their eyes and i didn't care i was being judged (wrongly).

No one can ever know how the other person thinks (not the reality of the thought at least) , and definately not by just looking at them.

Most people aren't good at hiding their emotions; and most people don't bother to hide them.

For all you know they are looking at one way and in reality they are hiding a very different feeling.

I used to do this a lot. When i was depressed there was a time when i pretended i had a different personality. (one which is similar to the personality of a certain individual on the forum) It worked too well even tho there were things that could be interpreted to give out the truth. No one ever suspected anything. (i did this for 1 school year )

Im sure you would not be able to tell how i would be feeling, for example

Oh yea ? If i'll ever meet you, i'll write a book about your emotions.

i allways look directly into peoples eyes. unfortunately, it creeps alot of people out :\
others just hold the gaze back. once someone thought i was flirting with them by doing so

Cool. Was it a guy or a girl ?

start off with your friends, tell them about your.. problem?.. and try holding your gaze with them. maybe that'll work..

"Hey man! Would you like to stare at eachother ?"

I don't talk about my problems to my friends too much. Not these kinds of problems at least ... :/

 

[El_Machinae]

I love looking into my gf's eyes.. and have no problem holding someone elses gaze.

Yeah, me too.
I hope you don't mind

 

[Harald]

...
"Hey man! Would you like to stare at eachother ?"
...

There is a game in Sweden called "arga leken" (the angry game). Basically two people stare into each others eyes and whoever diverts his/her eyes or start to laugh loses.
Might be a bit childish but at least you get to stare into peoples eyes.

 

[Civrules]

I used to have this problem two or so years ago. But the best way is to just look straight in the eyes anyway.

Here's an exercise that will help. Go to the mall or any social place and have a relaxed facial look (a slight smile). Then look at people's eyes until they look away (do not look away until they do first). Now if you have a serious face, you'll scare them away, that's why it's important to be relaxed.

So if you are a guy, find a girl that you are interested in and look her in the eyes until she either smiles or looks away.
What I've experienced is that most of the time people will look to the side first. Some of the time they will look down (which means they possibly see you as intimidating or they just have low self-esteem). And some of the time they will smile at you.

It's the only way to get over it. Personally I hate it when I'm talking with someone and they don't keep eye-contact.

 

[Quinzy]

@cata-
sure, why not just come out with it and say it?
and it was a girl of course

@harald-
we do that here too, but it also applies to blinking. i always make myself go crosseyed to put the other person off

 

[skadistic]

I can stare in eyes for a long time so long as its not durring a conversation when I have to look at their lips to read them.