Favorite Witty Aphorisms

[Fifty]

So what are people's favorite witty aphorisms. I stipulate witty because I don't want this thread to get filled up with boring chinese proverbs and political quotes and whatnot. So it has to have a bit of wit and/or humor to it. Nothing that's purely "deep" with no coolness factor.


One that I heard recently that I thought was pretty great was in this prison documentary. They were interviewing Troy Kell, this killer who was doing life in a supermax prison. Anyways, he stabbed a guy to death in prison and they were asking him why he did it and he explained that he wanted to take control of his own destiny and not have to do... certain things... in jail in order to not get killed. He summed up his philosophy with the phrase:

"Look, I wans't going to go in there and suck [butt] in order to survive. Because man, if you keep sucking [butt] long enough, you're going to start choking on [poop]"

So what are some witty aphorisms you find goodly?

 

[El_Machinae]

I'm a master of the single entendre!

 

[Catharsis]

"When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea."
- Eric Cantona

 

[Rossiya]

"All I can say is that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
- Sir Winston "Legend OG No.1" Churchill

"Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good."
- Dr Samuel "Wittiboi" Johnson

I love chiasmus. I think it is much down to the chiasmus used in the above quotations that make them so damn witty.

 

[El_Machinae]

I never believed that humans had a primitive common ancestor until I met you.

 

[LordRahl]

01010100011010000110010101110010011001010010000001100001011100100110010100100000
00110001001100000010000001110100011110010111000001100101011100110010000001101111
01100110001000000111000001100101011011110111000001101100011001010010000001101001
01101110001000000111010001101000011001010010000001110111011011110111001001101100
01100100001000000010110100100000011101000110100001101111011100110110010100100000
01110111011010000110111100100000011101010110111001100100011001010111001001110011
01110100011000010110111001100100001000000110001001101001011011100110000101110010
01111001001000000110000101101110011001000010000001110100011010000110111101110011
01100101001000000111011101101000011011110010000001100100011011110110111000100111
0111010000101110

Spoiler :

http://www.roubaixinteractive.com/PlayGround/Binary_Conversion/Binary_to_Text.asp

 

[cthom]

The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune-tellers take economists seriously
-unknown

people who see psychiatrists ought to have their head examined
-samuel goldwyn

 

[CartesianFart]

For those butt kissers who loves to give each other the "thumbs up" on an occasion.

The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.-Nietzsche

To the liberal lackeys who loves to conjecturalize, and foolishly, in a most obscene pretension, regard themselves as the arbiter of truth.

To admit a belief merely because it is a custom - but that means to be dishonest, cowardly, lazy! - And so could dishonesty, cowardice and laziness be the preconditions for morality?-Nietzsche

and the silly Christians

In truth, there was only one Christian, and he died on the cross-Nietzsche

 

[Che Guava]

All froim Tom Waits:

Don't you know there ain't no devil, there's just God when he's drunk.

The large print giveth and the small print taketh away.

Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends

 

[Jawz II]

The large print giveth and the small print taketh away.

I love that one, its from Step Right Up, I met a guy I know after a long time, and he was saying how his Ineternt Service Provider was screwing him and the deal he got was nothing like what they advertised, so I told him: The large print giveth and the small print taketh away.

Tom Waits FTW.

Once I saw him on an unplugged gig on VH1 and he told some really beautiful stories between songs, had me laughing really hard.

 

[LightFang]

Calling atheism a religion is like calling bald a hair color.

I don't know why I like that one so much.

 

[Rossiya]

Calling atheism a religion is like calling bald a hair color.

I have to say, I like that very much.

 

[CartesianFart]

Calling atheism a religion is like calling bald a hair color.

I don't know why I like that one so much.

Maybe because you are an ego-centric atheist and love the security of knowing that some arguments are unreasonable on the behalf of religionist people who throw it at you. Too bad that your sense of what makes an athiest is something like blurred colour.

 

[Catharsis]

Maybe because you are an ego-centric atheist and love the security of knowing that some arguments are unreasonable on the behalf of religionist people who throw it at you. Too bad that your sense of what makes an athiest is something like blurred colour.

I thought LightFang was a Protestant Baptist.

 

[LightFang]

I thought LightFang was a Protestant Baptist.

I am, CF is just pretending to be "deep" like he always is.

 

[CartesianFart]

I am, CF is just pretending to be "deep" like he always is.

Wait a sec. What is "deep" again?

 

[Perfection]

01010100011010000110010101110010011001010010000001100001011100100110010100100000
00110001001100000010000001110100011110010111000001100101011100110010000001101111
01100110001000000111000001100101011011110111000001101100011001010010000001101001
01101110001000000111010001101000011001010010000001110111011011110111001001101100
01100100001000000010110100100000011101000110100001101111011100110110010100100000
01110111011010000110111100100000011101010110111001100100011001010111001001110011
01110100011000010110111001100100001000000110001001101001011011100110000101110010
01111001001000000110000101101110011001000010000001110100011010000110111101110011
01100101001000000111011101101000011011110010000001100100011011110110111000100111
0111010000101110

Spoiler :

http://www.roubaixinteractive.com/PlayGround/Binary_Conversion/Binary_to_Text.asp

Pah, all the cool people use hex

 

[Jawz II]

Wait a sec. What is "deep" again?

Git errrr done.

Thats pretty profound, innit? hey you said it was, remember?

 

[Rambuchan]

A life without drugs, alcohol and cigarettes isn't actually longer, it just feels a lot longer.

 

[CartesianFart]

Git errrr done.

Thats pretty profound, innit? hey you said it was, remember?

Oh, yeah. I guess my brain-fried and no good some ofa Bitc^in memory is doin a numba on my redneck assss.