Fractured history

[Kefka]

I attemting to start another little history game (not really a game but...) other than quiz's but anyway this involes using well known historical facts or stories and jumbling them up to possibly create a very alternite history
Incase you did not understand what I said here is my story.


The Biograghy of King Edward the VII
It is well known that in the year 1965 Richard Nixon led the jews out of Egypt and in to the fabled land of Prussia during a comunist revolution that toppled the ming dynisty That is a well know fact.
however many do not know of Richard Nixon's companion and long time lover King Edward the VII who did not agree with the leading of his people out of Egypt; many times he and a group of loyal followers threw tea out in to the harbor which begun the long time tradition of the boston tea party which is still celibrated today by dumping loads of beer in to the harbor. (because nowadays no one wants to waste a good cup of tea)
Anyway to further defy Richard Nixion, Edward the VII created the silk road from Prussia to Greece along which was sent the Zimmerman Note causing the hundred year war bettween Prussia and Greece!
and during the hundred year war Joan of Arc led the Greeks to victory after victory against the Prussians causing the destruction of the entire prussian nation which is at present day still controled by the Greeks.
So it is now aggreed bettween historians that King Edward the VII was the cause of the downfall of the entire Prussian civilization!
As an order by the great Joan of Ark King Edward was burned at the stake in late october of 1981 during the Greek Invastion of boston!
Born in the year 1942 and died in the year 1981 at the age of 39
this concludes the Bioraghy of King Edward the VII!

 

[Sodak]

A la "Fractured Fairy Tales?" Well worth a laugh when well done!

 

[SSK]

There are at least two such "fractured histories" that I have seen published. Both are compilations of statements taken from actual students' history papers at the junior high school-college level. Both are absolutely hilarious, because people actually believed what they were writing.

One can be found in Richard Lederer's "Anguished English", or was it "Anguished English Too" (the sequel)? The other I got by e-mail and I can' t remember the author, but he was also a college professor.

I highly recommend the Lederer books as they are funny as hell.

 

[SSK]

OK here's an article about one of the compilations I mentioned, the author of which is Professor Anders Henriksson:

“Student Book Offers a Twisted History 'Coarse'”
--By Sarah Tippit LOS ANGELES (Reuters)

Experience history from the Stoned Age to the Blintz Krieg! From Middle Evil Times to the Age of Now, from the Land of Milk and Chocolate to the Iran Hostess Crisis and the fall of the Berlin Mall! Welcome to the wonderful world of "Non Campus Mentis,'' (Workman) a book of mangled moments of Western Civilization culled from actual term papers and exams of today's "brightest'' students by incredulous college professor Anders Henriksson who, while grading exams, chose to laugh, rather than cry, at his students' most egregious mistakes. History, after all, is nothing more than "the behind of the present,'' according to one student, who aptly added: "This gives incites from the anals of the past." The once-mighty British Empire is in a "state of recline. Its colonies have slowly dribbled away leaving only the odd speck on the map.'' Chairman "Moo'' has passed away, as has former President "Franklin Eleanor Roosavelt,'' and civil rights leader "Martin Luther Junior'' was slain in the 1960s, shortly after making his famous "If I Had A Hammer'' speech. Hitler, a depressed "Nazi leader of a Communist Germany'' who spurred a huge "anti-semantic'' movement through a terrifying "Gespacho,'' launched "Operation Barbarella'' while the English "vanely hoped for peas.'' The war began turning around, though, when the "Allies landed near Italy's toe and gradually advanced up her leg. Hitler ultimately "shot himself in the bonker.''

'CRETINALIA HISTORICA'
At its best, the 150-page book "illustrates the ingenious and often comic ways we all attempt to make sense of information we can't understand because we have no context or frame of reference for it,'' according to Henriksson, chairman of the history department at Shepherd College in West Virginia.
He began compiling samples 20 years ago at the University of Toronto where he also taught. Shortly after he began his collection, he published an article in the "Wilson Quarterly'' titled "College Kids Say the Darndest Things,'' which prompted amused colleagues at more than two dozen universities in the United States and Canada including West Point, University of Alberta and McMaster, to regularly send him their own inane prose collections. Last year, when he realized his office overflowed with funny samples of "cretinalia historica'' the idea for a book was born. While Henriksson declined to identify all the schools involved he said they ranged from moderately to highly competitive, about half were in Canada, no Ivy League schools were represented, and that one of the entries came from Oxford in England. At its worst, the book may reflect a generation raised in ignorance by bad schools and disengaged parents. "This is not the norm,'' Henriksson told Reuters in an interview. What you have here is almost 30 years of my collecting from students' (works) at various institutions. This really represents sort of the creme de la creme of the creatively inane.'' Did he make it up? "No!'' he said. "Who could make this stuff up except Mel Brooks. I'm not Mel Brooks.'' Which prompts the question: Should people sound the alarms and search for an "escape goat?'' Maybe. Hundreds of student contributors received passing grades with such statements as: "When the Davy Jones Index crashed in 1929 many people were left to political incineration. Some, like John Paul Sart, retreated into extraterrestrialism. The New Deal was an idea inspired by Franklin Eleanor Roosavelt.'' (The Boston Tea Party, by the way, was held at Pearl Harbor.) Gravity of the misstatements aside, the bloopers make a great reference whether one seeks information on the Canadian Missile Crisis, clashes between Israelis and Parisians, or the Gulf War in which, according to one scholar: "Satan Husane invaided Kiwi and Sandy Arabia.'' (No doubt an act of "premedication.'') 'NEW INCITES' Henriksson said the errors fall into three major categories. Some are simply caused by bad spelling or a lack of proofreading, and come out funny. Some were prompted by a ''profound lack of preparation, while others, just seem to be 'really out at sea,''' he said. "You get the ones who don't really even seem to understand there's a line between past and present and they tell you that the first airplane was flown by the Marx Brothers. I had this one kid who wrote that Spartacus led a slave rebellion in ancient Rome and then appered in a movie about it later.'' The book offers fresh new "incites'' on history from ''prehistoricle'' times through "King Toot'' and the birth of ''monolithic'' religion.(''Judyism had one big God named Yahoo''). The book goes on to "chronicle'' the birth of Christianity (''Just another mystery cult until Jesus was born'') and, his pronouncement, later, that "The mice shall inherit the earth.'' The book sheds new light on the lives of Martin Luther (he nailed 95 theocrats to a church door), "Florence of Arabia,'' and General George "Custard'' who managed to stand up anyway. (''Martian Luther King's'' four steps to direct action, by the way, included "self purification,'' when you "allow yourself to be eaten to a pulp.'') In its final pages, the book includes students' geographical misconceptions as represented on several world maps bearing such labels as "The Land of Milk and Chocolate'' and "Home of Golden Fleas'' (in the Ancient World) to "Bulemia,'' ''Whales,'' "Roam,'' the "Eel of France,'' and the "Automaton Empire'' (as they were known in the "Middle Evil'' Times). And it notes that, yes, there has indeed been a change in America's "social seen,'' over the centuries. The last stage, according to the book, is "The Age of Now. This concept grinds our critical, seething minds to a halt.'' Until then, however, we Americans, "in all humidity'' are nothing less than "the people of currant times.''

 

[Kefka]

Originally posted by Sodak
A la "Fractured Fairy Tales?" Well worth a laugh when well done!

yea some can be really funny Im hoping some people will come up with some better ones than mine.
the last post was quite funny.

 

[PinkyGen]

My eigth grade teacher, Mr. Gilmore created a "Wall of Shame" of actual students sentences in history and english. My class got five plaques.

"The border of the United States stretched from Canada to Spain."

"During the Boston Tea Party they dumped tea into Pearl Harbor."

"In Sarejova in 1914, Archduke Ralph and his wife Shirley..."

"The South won the Revolutionary War, and that is why we have North and South America."

"Isn't El Nino a South American country?"

 

[Nahuixtelotzin]

Originally posted by PinkyGen
"In Sarejova in 1914, Archduke Ralph and his wife Shirley..."

incredible!

 

[PinkyGen]

Originally posted by Nahuixtelotzin

incredible!

Actually, that's not half of it. The student was a male in my class, who during the test (it was an essay) asked Mr. Gilmore what the name of the Archduke was. He replied, "Ralph and his wife Shirley." The student was like, "nah, you are pulling my leg." And Gilmore was saying, "no."

The actual paragraph appeared in the wall of shame, and went like this.

"Archduke Ralph and his wife Shirley were driving down the streets of Sarejova. Suddenly, someone through a bomb inside the car, but Ralph through it out. Then they drove on, but a man stepped out from behind a corner , and shot them dead surely."
To which Gilmore added, "I though her name was Shirley?" (takeoff on surely vs Shirley).

The sad part is that the other ones are actual serious mistakes. I have two on the wall.

1. He left the dear (not deer ) to rot, which was wasteful. He let meat rot, wasting it away. This was wasteful, what a waste. (Ok, I had a page limit here, and nothing to say).

2. Would the Germans attack a snowy forest with tanks and artillery? However, my actual quote was "Would the Germans attack THROUGH a snowy forest with tanks and artillery?" I think he was just setting me up because he lacked a good wall of shame quote for me.
I might be able to get more on Monday.

 

[Hamlet]

I love the bit about Christianity being just another small cult until Jesus came along.

Hehehe.

 

[Stefan Haertel]

I've had classmates who thought that the US entered WW1 in 1917 because german subs sank the Titanic, that Hannibal was a persian king, Hitler's first name was "Heil" and that Marius' army reform was triggered by Asterix&Obelix invading Italy.

 

[Kublai-Khan]

Hitler's first name was "Heil"




LOL

THAT IS REALLY FUNNY

 

[SSK]

Originally posted by Stefan Haertel
I've had classmates who thought that the US entered WW1 in 1917 because german subs sank the Titanic

I'm sure the company that built the Titanic would have preferred that it happened that way

I must admit that I sometimes got confused about the name of the ship sunk by the German sub, and sometimes thought it was called the "Lusitanic" rather than the "Lusitania".

Hitler's first name was "Heil"

Stefan, a German friend of mine told me he knows a girl named "Sieglinde Heilman" because her parents wanted to keep the exclamation "Sieg Heil" alive. <shudder>.

 

[dannyevilcat]

I knew this girl who was quoted as saying, when asked if she knew who Hitler was, she answered: "Isn't he the guy who saved all the jews?".

When I heard someone tell me the story, I just couldn't help but laugh and just shake my head. Of course she was thinking of Schindler, since this was around the time that movie came out.

 

[Stefan Haertel]

Stefan, a German friend of mine told me he knows a girl named "Sieglinde Heilman" because her parents wanted to
keep the exclamation "Sieg Heil" alive. <shudder>.

I can believe that.
This (i.e. my) generation deals very easily with these things sometimes. Otherwise, nobody had discovered that "Sieg Heil" can be written with the calculator (if you look at it upside-down).
I gave up dealing with such things, because its just too much. "Jokes" about Jews, Turks, Blacks, etc. are too common as if to wipe them out. All one can do is not laugh.

I knew this girl who was quoted as saying, when asked if she knew who Hitler was, she answered: "Isn't he the guy
who saved all the jews?".

When I heard someone tell me the story, I just couldn't help but laugh and just shake my head. Of course she was
thinking of Schindler, since this was around the time that movie came out.

LOL! Holy ****, just how stupid can someone get? I mean, like explaining to a German the use of the toaster and asking him how the Emperor/Kaiser is doing, that's, well... but that.
Which reminds me of the story of two Americans who wanted to visit Bayreuth on their Germany trip.
They abandoned that visit after hearing about "unrest and violence in Beirut". :crazyeyes

 

[Nahuixtelotzin]

Not really sth. on history but a (very cool) geography teacher I know once told his pupils (7th grade) of the "chocolate mines in Columbia" and similar, even more absurd, stuff which I can't record anymore (gotta ask again). Not ONE pupil said something and at the end of his lesson he collected the papers from the pupils and ~80% wrote everything down as he said (he suspects that the other 20% simply didn't care to write...). The next lesson he clarified everything and told them to think a bit before they believe everything other people say... :crazyeyes

 

[Richard III]

I never bothered to finish my degree in history. I'm often asked why not. One reason - usually the one I give - is that my mother's a history professor, and I've seen the "graduate level" papers she's marked. I don't want a history degree because I don't want to be tarred as having made it through the same system they have. Many of the bloopers/errors you guys have been listing above are common amongst people who will soon be awarded PhDs for their efforts.

A popular show in Canada is a show by a guy named Rick Mercer called "Talking to Americans," where he pretends to be a news reporter and cons various american passersby, politicians and university professors to say ignorant things about Canada on camera, e.g. "congratulations Canada on getting your first airport," or getting George W. to thank Prime Minister "Poutine" for his support, or whatever.

The sad thing is, this seems to be the worst sort of bigotry, since I've heard equally stupid things from Canadians on a daily basis. In 1991, we were "going to war with Iran." Many Canadians believe that George Bush is our Prime Minister. I once convinced a pair of tourists that Haida natives in Victoria, B.C. on the Pacific coast had been the first people to use gunpowder in battle against German knights, in 1648. I could go on.


R.III

 

[dannyevilcat]

Yup, an idiot is still an idiot no matter where he or she comes from. In Canada we have a belief ( more like a prejudice) that our education system is better than that of the States, and that may be true, but our students aren't graduating with any more knowledge as far as I can tell.

 

[Stefan Haertel]

The problem largely is, that people simply tend to believe what they see in TV. In Germany, a large fraction of shows and movies have been imported from the US and translated adequadely, with, let's say formalities common in the US dubbed into German without caring wether it was the same in German or not.
So, when I was once, with my class, at the court -you know, in social studies, etc.- the accused adressed the judge with the typical American -but not German!- formality (what's it in English- I've no real idea).
What truly shocked me, however, that some people in my class actually thought Gerhard Schröder is Germany's president (or at least federal president). It should be common knowledge in Germany that the executive head of state in Germany is the Federal Chancellor. There also is a president, but he's virtually powerless, with only representative tasks.

Sorry, I think my English is rather bad right now, for some reason.

 

[SSK]

I am shocked to hear that any reasonable number of Canadians think George W. Bush is their prime minister. I guess they are about as intelligent as he is

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised--there was once a famous poll in the U.S. showing that 50% of students at the University of Miami couldn't identify either Italy OR Florida on a map!

Also, I used to play bridge online late at night with a number of Europeans--mostly Dutch, Swedes, and Finns. When I asked one of the Swedes whether he was from near Stockholm, Lund, or in the north, he was quite surprised that being American, I hadn't confused his country with Switzerland.

By the way Stefan, the form of address for a U.S. judge is "Your honor".

 

[dannyevilcat]

I am shocked to hear that any reasonable number of Canadians think George W. Bush is their prime minister. I guess they are about as intelligent as he is

WHAT?!! You must be joking me. Maybe I have too high an opinion of my countrymen, but I can honestly say I've never found this to be the case.