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Freelance Doomsday Prophet; Reasonable Rates!

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Askthepizzaguy, May 22, 2011.

  1. Askthepizzaguy

    Askthepizzaguy Know the Dark Side

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2007
    Messages:
    7,740
    Location:
    Norway
    Greetings everyone.

    I have decided to leave my current rewarding and fulfilling career as a pizza guy, and do what I was obviously meant to do. Overnight, I was contacted by the heavens (a softball-sized bit of hail landed on my skull causing severe damage) and bestowed upon me supernatural powers. I have been granted the phenomenal and extraordinary gift of PROPHECY.

    Being irreligious, this came as quite a shock to me, but what can you do? I answered the call caused by the crater in my cranium, and renounced my previous life as everyone's personal under-paid food taxi. Now doomsday prophecy is my bread and butter.

    I have noticed that the qualifications for such a career aren't very long. Apparently all you need is unwarranted self-importance and opinions, and I have those in spades. I'm more than qualified, I am perhaps the Chosen One of this particular field.

    Now, you may be asking yourself the most important question on your mind, which is, innie or outie. For what it's worth, I'm an innie. But the next most important question on your mind is WHEN IS THE WORLD GOING TO END???

    As proof of my awesome power, I will give you this one as a freebie. The answer is "Next Tuesday". If you're looking for a precise time, 12:43 in the afternoon, GMT.

    Now that you have seen my stupendous powers in action, I wish to inform you that I am available for hire. You need a prophecy? I can make one. Do you wish to know when your boss will drop dead? Just ASK. Do you wish to know if and when that cute girl would be willing to surrender to your manly charms? Just ASK. Worried about your inevitable death? Wish to be prepared? Just ASK. Want to know the winners of the Super Bowl next year? Just ASK.


    The pizza guy. Prophet extraordinaire!





    I have a perfect track record so far, and I predict that my track record will remain perfect.


    I am available upon request to attend board meetings where you need to know the outcome of stock market fluctuations in the next 100 years or so. If you want to quit wasting money supporting losing candidates in Presidential elections, just call me. Bring me to Las Vegas, and I'll predict the outcomes of every round of blackjack, for a nominal fee.

    I also do birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, funerals, and ship christenings. My credentials include 5 years of tap dancing lessons, and I've read over 4 pages of a book that pertains either to psychic predictions, or it is a do-it-yourself book on spaying or neutering your cat. I am not sure which, I was kind of skimming it while watching professional wrestling. Also, I know this guy named Frank, and he can totally lick his own ear. That's pretty freaky.


    Please contact my agent to discuss my pricing and scheduling information.


    Here's another freebie:


    Roseanne Barr will be named "Sexiest Woman Alive" in the year 2034. During an interview, she will drop her pants and winged monkeys will fly out of her butt, each of them with the ability to translate Farsi. Yes, that includes Roseanne. No she will not have wings, not unless you pay the extra 25 dollars.



    • Not really happy with the idea of the world ending Next Tuesday? For a reasonable fee, I will happily make another prediction that is more to your liking.


    Support your local CFC Propheteer! For every prophecy you pay for, I will donate either some or no money to the charity of your choosing. Results* guaranteed.



    Spoiler :
    *The Doomsday Prophet is for entertainment and illustrative purposes only. "Results" are guaranteed, accuracy is not.
     
  2. Whiskey_Lord

    Whiskey_Lord Deity

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2008
    Messages:
    2,163
    No dice unless I get 72 Swedish prostitutes in heaven.
     
  3. Skwink

    Skwink FRIIIIIIIIIITZ

    Joined:
    May 14, 2010
    Messages:
    5,682
     
  4. JollyRoger

    JollyRoger Slippin' Jimmy Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2001
    Messages:
    42,983
    Location:
    Chicago Sunroofing
    Is my pizza going to get here before the end of the world?
     
  5. classical_hero

    classical_hero In whom I trust

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2003
    Messages:
    33,262
    Location:
    Perth,Western Australia
    Jesus warned us about people like you. Matthew 7:15 Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. You are most definitely a bad person.
     
  6. Cheetah

    Cheetah Deity

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2002
    Messages:
    8,010
    Location:
    the relative oasis of CFC
    Will it rain when I'm going home from work tomorrow? I.e. should I bring an umbrella?

    Also, will I randomly get cake at work tomorrow?
     
  7. Isikien

    Isikien WHOA

    Joined:
    May 7, 2008
    Messages:
    299
    Did you do the math?
     
  8. holy king

    holy king Deity

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2003
    Messages:
    16,323
    Location:
    Vienna, Austria
    i dont know, he looks legit to me.
     
  9. choxorn

    choxorn Watermelon Headcrab

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2006
    Messages:
    18,507
    Location:
    Honolulu
    Who are the mafia in Askthepizzaguy Mafia II: The Revengening? While you're at it, the wolves and cult in NOTW XL and the whatever-the-scum-team-things are in Highway to Hell would be nice, too.
     
  10. bestrfcplayer

    bestrfcplayer Steppin' up!

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2009
    Messages:
    3,598
    Location:
    Nowhere
     
  11. Askthepizzaguy

    Askthepizzaguy Know the Dark Side

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2007
    Messages:
    7,740
    Location:
    Norway
    It will cost you an extra 25 dollars to make that determination. ;)

    Being a pizza guy with supernatural powers, that does enable me to use the appellation "magically delicious".

    If, and only if, you leave your house tomorrow while dressed fully as a pirate. You will need an eye patch and a parrot in order to qualify. Then, said pizza will arrive at the hour of need.

    Incorrect. I come dressed as a pizza man. There's hardly any wool involved, and most of that is in the pork sausage topping.

    I will have to charge you three times, as these are three different questions.

    It shall rain, but you should not bring an umbrella, because not having one will cause that attractive woman you admire to offer to share her umbrella with you. If you offer her a piece of your random cake, she will ask you out on a date.

    You must say "no" to this, or else you will die in a horrible accident.

    Unless you pay me 25 dollars.

    Yes. According to my math, you owe me 68 dollars and 49 cents.

    :king:
     
  12. classical_hero

    classical_hero In whom I trust

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2003
    Messages:
    33,262
    Location:
    Perth,Western Australia
    If you are legit, can you eat yourself and if so when will you die from eating yourself?
     
  13. Askthepizzaguy

    Askthepizzaguy Know the Dark Side

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2007
    Messages:
    7,740
    Location:
    Norway
    I predict I will be saved by angels before implanting the fork into my own flesh. Then, I shall ascend into the heavens, riding on a comet, and all those who follow me will have their faith rewarded with everlasting life on the planet of Blisstonia. Fair warning; your brain will be placed in a jar on wheels, and your body will be fed to your brain intravenously as soylent brown fluid.

    I accept cash or major credit cards. Tipping is not optional.
     
  14. classical_hero

    classical_hero In whom I trust

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2003
    Messages:
    33,262
    Location:
    Perth,Western Australia
    We don't tip down here. :p
     
  15. Seon

    Seon Not An Evil Liar

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2009
    Messages:
    8,118
    Location:
    Not Lying through my teeth
    Should I order my next pizza from Dominoes or Papa Johns?
     
  16. Zelig

    Zelig Beep Boop

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2002
    Messages:
    16,689
    Location:
    Canada
    In hell?
     
  17. Askthepizzaguy

    Askthepizzaguy Know the Dark Side

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2007
    Messages:
    7,740
    Location:
    Norway
    They do tip in hell, it just carries a different meaning.

    Tip of a pitchfork, tip of a red hot iron poker, tip of Satan's....
     
  18. Tee Kay

    Tee Kay Silly furry

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2005
    Messages:
    22,006
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Melbourne
    Will I ever find true love?
     
  19. RRRaskolnikov

    RRRaskolnikov Goldfish

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2008
    Messages:
    6,323
    Location:
    Paname
    Will I ever stop using narcotics?

    Spoiler :
    and more importantly, when will YOU stop using narcotics? :lol:
     
  20. GhostWriter16

    GhostWriter16 Deity

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2010
    Messages:
    22,753
    Location:
    Wherever my name is posted
    Will Harold Camping be wrong again so we can laugh at him again for not getting "No one will know the day or hour?"
     

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