Greetings everyone. I have decided to leave my current rewarding and fulfilling career as a pizza guy, and do what I was obviously meant to do. Overnight, I was contacted by the heavens (a softball-sized bit of hail landed on my skull causing severe damage) and bestowed upon me supernatural powers. I have been granted the phenomenal and extraordinary gift of PROPHECY. Being irreligious, this came as quite a shock to me, but what can you do? I answered the call caused by the crater in my cranium, and renounced my previous life as everyone's personal under-paid food taxi. Now doomsday prophecy is my bread and butter. I have noticed that the qualifications for such a career aren't very long. Apparently all you need is unwarranted self-importance and opinions, and I have those in spades. I'm more than qualified, I am perhaps the Chosen One of this particular field. Now, you may be asking yourself the most important question on your mind, which is, innie or outie. For what it's worth, I'm an innie. But the next most important question on your mind is WHEN IS THE WORLD GOING TO END??? As proof of my awesome power, I will give you this one as a freebie. The answer is "Next Tuesday". If you're looking for a precise time, 12:43 in the afternoon, GMT. Now that you have seen my stupendous powers in action, I wish to inform you that I am available for hire. You need a prophecy? I can make one. Do you wish to know when your boss will drop dead? Just ASK. Do you wish to know if and when that cute girl would be willing to surrender to your manly charms? Just ASK. Worried about your inevitable death? Wish to be prepared? Just ASK. Want to know the winners of the Super Bowl next year? Just ASK. The pizza guy. Prophet extraordinaire! I have a perfect track record so far, and I predict that my track record will remain perfect. I am available upon request to attend board meetings where you need to know the outcome of stock market fluctuations in the next 100 years or so. If you want to quit wasting money supporting losing candidates in Presidential elections, just call me. Bring me to Las Vegas, and I'll predict the outcomes of every round of blackjack, for a nominal fee. I also do birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, funerals, and ship christenings. My credentials include 5 years of tap dancing lessons, and I've read over 4 pages of a book that pertains either to psychic predictions, or it is a do-it-yourself book on spaying or neutering your cat. I am not sure which, I was kind of skimming it while watching professional wrestling. Also, I know this guy named Frank, and he can totally lick his own ear. That's pretty freaky. Please contact my agent to discuss my pricing and scheduling information. Here's another freebie: Roseanne Barr will be named "Sexiest Woman Alive" in the year 2034. During an interview, she will drop her pants and winged monkeys will fly out of her butt, each of them with the ability to translate Farsi. Yes, that includes Roseanne. No she will not have wings, not unless you pay the extra 25 dollars. Not really happy with the idea of the world ending Next Tuesday? For a reasonable fee, I will happily make another prediction that is more to your liking. Support your local CFC Propheteer! For every prophecy you pay for, I will donate either some or no money to the charity of your choosing. Results* guaranteed. Spoiler : *The Doomsday Prophet is for entertainment and illustrative purposes only. "Results" are guaranteed, accuracy is not.