Gigamesh's Court


Aug 19, 2007
You know the drill. I've been a lurker for a few years now, and suddenly... I decided I could recount the tale of one of my games here and I finally registered.

The Game=
Civilization: Sumerian
Leader: Gilgamesh
Size: Small
Map: Fractal, rocky, low sea level
Difficulty: Noble (for I suck).
Other civs: 8
Notes: Dimplomacy turned off. I just won the easiest diplomacy game ever with Pacal II and his Apostolic Palace. The AP & UN now annoy me greatly.

Note: As I use a lot of images, this thread will require many posts

The Cast of Characters...

Gilgamesh, divine-leader of Sumeria.

Cultural Advisor

Greetings, divine leader.
Hey, buddy. Nice hair.
Thank you, sir. I'll be glad to counsel you on all things cultural, divine leader.
Culture? Who cares about culture?
Every Civ4 leader cares about culture, divine leader! We're not in the old versions of Civilization anymore.
Culture means something, now! It helps your defense and strengthens your territorial borders.
You're kidding me.
Not at all, sir.
I'll keep that in mind, then. You're dismissed.
I have left the building, divine leader.

Diplomatic Advisor
Well, hello there!
It'll be my pleasure to inform you of international events, trades and diplomatic relations, sire.
Oh. I thought that maybe...
I don't do that stuff, sire.
Right, of course! Not that I was looking for... errr... I'm married and all. I AM married, right? I do have a Queen, right?
It doesn't matter, sire.
So there's a woman in my court, huh?
The mystic powers of hindsight let us know we'd need some sort of female presence somewhere, sire.
Besides, women, and their charms, make better diplomats.
Do they?
The land's prettiest women relate best to foreign embassadors.
And you're the land's prettiest?
Then I'm glad I don't know what my Queen looks like.
Pardon me?
Well, no offense, but you kinda look like a sheep.
And you somewhat resemble a goat, sire.
Point taken. Anything I should know?
We haven't met anyone and our history books are comprised of a single blank sheet of paper.
That'll change soon enough. Thank you.
I'll see you soon, sire.

Military Advisor

Ah! Just the man I want to meet! The Military Advisor!
You flatter me, my lord. Though I've heard through the grapevine that you've been a pitiful warmonger in every single game you've ever played. Ever.
Hey! This is a new game! Things could change!
I'm a realist, not an optimist.
We probably won't be able to avoid war, so you'll have my ear...
... eventually. You may go, now.

Scientific Advisor

Ah! Science! Now we're talking!
But mere talking is meaningless without prior thought, sire.
Oh. I love me some science... but thinking? It's not my forte.
That is why we advisers are here, sire. Just heed our my counsel and we will sail for the stars while our enemies still play with their muskets!
Their what, now?
You'll see what I mean, sire.
Alright then. You're dismissed as well. Make sure you don't die of old age before the end of the game.
No worries, sire. Providence has rendered us immortal!
4000 BC

Great news, sire! We have discovered The Wheel and Agriculture!
We should aim to discover “Priesthood,” sire, so we can build those ziggurats!
Woah, there! My lord! Research Bronze Working! Nothing will rival our future Vultures!
guys, can I at least see our Starting Location, please? Thank you.

Hmm. Pretty woody.
That's excellent, sir. More trees means we can chop rush more Wonders of the World!
Another good reason to research Bronze Working!
You just want your Vultures!
Sue me, pipsqueak.
And don't forget that little tribal village nearby. Let's all hope those barbarians give us some of their technology!
Anyhow, looks like a good place to found our capital city. I shall name it Uruk!

4000 BC: Uruk is founded.
A tribal village gives us 80 gold.

Sweet! 80 gold! Let's build...
A warrior!
Sounds good to me. And let's research...
Bronze Working!
Animal Husbandry, to herd those sheep, distant cousins of our Diplomatic Adviser.
I heard that.
3840 BC

Another tribal village to the north!
Score! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!

3840 BC: A tribal village reveals the secret of Fishing!

Excellent! New technology!
We don't really need Fishing right now, though.
Free technology is free technology. It's free, and it's technology.

3680 BC
Sire, the religion of Buddhism has been founded in a distant land.
And you know this how?
Erm... I have my sources.
Whatever. Our warrior is about to enter another tribal village. Shoo.
Very well, sire.

3680 BC: A tribal village gives us 73 gold.

Excellent. That'll help us support a larger early Empire... and help us defray the negligible costs of war.
We have no enemies.
Only a minor detail, my lord.

3640 BC
Our Sumerian Warrior slays a Lion.

Yeah! That's my boy!
Sire, we have discovered Aninal Husbandry. Great news, our new knowledge reveals the presence of horses in our borders! We should research...
Bronze Working!
I agree. Let's research Mining and Bronze Working.
it shall be so, sire.
3600 BC
The second Sumerian Warrior slays a Wolf, and sees another tribal village east of Uruk.

3520 BC
The first group of Sumerian Warriors stumble near Mongolian territory, a short distance east of Uruk.

Um... guys? There's some ringing box, here. What is it?
It's a visual phone, sire. Click on the button and you will see the foreign leader calling, and will be able to communicate with him directly.
Geesh. We can't even make pots yet we have this device?
Just answer it, sir.
Gilgamesh presses the “on” button.

The Mighty Mongolian Empire greets you, Gilgamesh. Let us work together to achieve the total destruction of our foes, and only THEN betray and rend each other like the rabid dogs we truly are!
Are all Mongolian heads shaped like hourglasses?
There shall be peace in our time, then!
Goodbye, now.
SHOOO! Hiss!
Well done, sire.
But your box thing is still ringing.
That's right, sire. Our warrior has also encountered a wandering Portuguese warrior.
Yes. Already. You chose the small map with eight other civilizations, not me.
Gilgamesh presses the “on” button again.

At last your explorations have led you to me!
At last? 3520 BC is pretty early to me.
Um, yeah. Just an expression.
Is it just me or it suddenly got dark?
I block out the sun with my hat.
Compensating for something?
Come peace or something?
You're a queer man, Gilgamesh. Peace it is.
Sure. Don't call me, I'll call you. Ciao.
Well done, sire. Peace is achieved once again.
Oh, can it, tin man. We have but two puny warriors.
Speaking of puny warriors... I want to grab that tribal hut south-west of Karaokum! Gimme! Gimme!

A tribal village reveals the secret of Writing

Wonderful news, sire!
Keep in mind that since we have knowledge of Writing, Foreign leaders will begin pestering us with Open Border agreement offers.
3400 BC
North of Karaokum, our Sumerian Warrior discovers another tribal village.

What is Kublai Khan doing? This one is right next to his territorial border!
Let's not waste time and grab the goods, whatever they may be!

A tribal village gives us 82 gold.

Score!! We now have 235 gold to expand our Empire without losing out on Science!
Pardon me, my lord. Didn't you mean to say that it could help us afford a stack of twenty-five Vultures?
So what I heard of your playing style was all true?
Ungh. Think of it this way. With a few more cities, it'll be a lot easier to build a huge army.
Sold, my lord!

3360 BC
After visiting the tribal village, our Sumerian Warrior meets an Egyptian Warrior. Once again, Gilgamesh's visual phone rings.


Mighty Ramesses II, all powerful god-king of Egypt welcomes you, Gilgamesh!
Feel free to grovel in terror and awe if the mood takes you.
Maybe sometime later on, but don't bet on it.
Beg your pardon?
Anyhow, pleased to meet you, lady. Let there be peace and so on.
Very well. Peace there will be... for now.
Bye now!
That was close!
It was? Anyways... I thought you said there were no ladies in this game, save for you. She was ugly, but still.
Ramesses is a man. As in: god-king.
That was a dude? But the make-up?
It's an Egyptian thing I suppose, sire.
3280 BC
Hey! Gil, old buddy! Mind if I call you Gil?
Oh. Well... want an Open Borders agreement with me?
Great! Wait. What? No?? Why not?
I don't feel like it.
That time of the month, huh?
That's it. Goodbye, Kubie!
Fine. Bye.
You could have accepted, sire.
I could've, but I don't wanna.
You know he'll just ask again in a century or two, right?
Whatever. OOOh! We just created our first worker in Uruk! I'm getting us a sheep herd, peeps!
Oh, and sire?
What is it now?
The Egyptians have founded Hinduism.
And you know this how, again?
I can't reveal my sources, sire.
Fine. Whatever.
3000 BC
We have discovered Bronze Working, sire.
And there's some Bronze ore just east of Uruk!
Which is also south-west of Karaokum, my lord.
I know, I know. Anyhow, I think we know enough to plan for our next two cities, boys.
And girl.
Thank you, sire.
Ok. Check out this map, guys:

There are three resources I want to control: The Marble just north of our Warrior, the Stone already inside our territorial borders, and that Bronze.
Bronze sounds good, my lord.
Here's my plan.
is it an evil plan?
Sure. I figure our second city, Eridu, should go next to that north-east oasis. Bolstered by pigs and corn, that city should muster some decent production.
And good production means a large army.
Or many wonders, divine leader!
But I fear Kublai Khan has his eye on that Bronze as well. So I'll make a second settler to found Kish next to it as fast as possible. It'll hurt our economy a bit, but thanks to that 235 gold collected from tribal villages, we should easily handle it. Those two cities should also create a wholesome cultural territorial border, so other civilizations can't settle our western coast. Sounds good? Next, we research Masonry.
Stone and Marble will keep no secrets from us, sire!

... to be continued!
Very well done so far! The pictures are great, keep it coming.
Thanks guys!
Yeah, I drew them myself. I usually draw a webcomic... though if my readers knew I've been doing this instead of drawing the next update, they'd likely kill me.

I would have drawn it all in comic form... but you'd need a lifetime to draw a whole game of Civilization! ;)
The Visual Phone rings

2920 BC

Greetings, Gilgamesh. It is a pleasure to meet you. Here: have a copy of my little red book. You might learn something.
Well aren't you the cutest little thing!
...little red book...
Sure, sure. I'll grab one. At least you're not selling cookies, like the other ones. Is it for a good cause?
The proletarians of China?
Alright, alright. How much are you peddling it at?
It's gonna be free.
You don't have any?
Paper hasn't been invented yet.
Pretty clever. Giving non-existent stuff away for free.
Oh, but my book will exist! And it will be free!
And it will be little. I get it. So you want peace or what?
Bad choice.
I meant peace!
That's the ticket! You've always been the clever one, Mao. Goodbye!
The Visual Phone rings again

Hot Sumerian Ladies of the Night Hotline, how may I help you?
I'm sorry, wrong... Wait a minute, I recognized you, Gilgamesh!
What is it, Ramesses?
The second.
I think Joao's also claiming second place. Hope you don't mind me taking first.
What are you talking about?
Hey, you called me, I didn't call you!
Right. Want Open Borders with m-
No. Now go away!

Gilgamesh hangs up

You shouldn't have done that, sire.
Why not? I don't want Open Borders with her!
Well, by our early scouting, it appears Ramesses occupies a central position on the continent.
If he knows what he's doing, he could easily spread his Hindu religion to nearby civilization. Sharing that religion would make diplomatic relations much easier. With open borders, it'll be much easier for him to convert some our cities to that religion.
And afterwards, we'll be able to build Hindu Monasteries and Temples, which would strengthen our Culture.
And Temples would make your people happier as well, divine ruler.
Also, our Science would benefit from a few Monasteries.
Alright, alright! I'll think about it!
2840 BC
After crossing over North of Egyptian Territory, our Sumerian Warrior stumbles towards the French Border. The Visual Phone rings and Gilgamesh Answers.

Time to make use of those French courses... Oui, allô?

Bienvenue! Je suis Louis XIV, monarque absolu des puissants français et assurément le plus beau et le mieux vêtu de l'histoire et de l'univers. N'êtes-vous point d'accord?
Errr... Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Non. Jamais le premier soir.
Ok. I confess. I don't really speak French.
Oh, how very disappointing.
And I was hoping you'd be De Gaulle. You know, I only played against him once so far.
Ça se comprends.
Still don't understand French, buddy.
Well, do you want peace or war?
Not only do I want peace, Louis, I want an Open Border agreement with you.
Obviously. Everyone loves the French.
They definitely do in that little imaginary world of yours.
I will pretend I didn't hear that.
Right. Well, see, peace has the advantage of being peaceful. And with Open Borders, I can keep exploring eastward. And as an added bonus, you won't be pestering me to sign an Open Border agreement.
Then, I agree. Peace, and Open Borders.
Merci, Louis. Goodbye!
Alright. After thinking about it a bit, I think my advisers had a good point about Ramesses and her Open Borders. Lemme give her a call.
She's a he, sire.
Of course. Equal rights and all. Just watch me butter her up.
You rang?
Sure did, baby!
Well, what do you want? I have an Empire to mismanage.
Listen, honey buns. You want it, and I want it. Let's just open our borders and see what happens, m'kay?
Let me make something clear, Gilgamesh. First, I don't swing that way.
What way?
Second, I don't date outside of my immediate family.
That explains it.
Third, I'll sign that Open Borders agreement.
It's all I really wanted anyways! Bye!

Alright! Got Open Borders with France and Egypt. Two leaders who'll stop pestering me.
Sire, keep in mind that when leaders don't pester you to Open your Borders to them, they demand you stop trading with someone else.

2760 BC

We have discovered Masonry my Lord. As we plan to expand, may I suggest Learning Mysticism and Polytheism in order to obtain Priesthood and our Ziggurats?
Sounds like a good idea to me.
Shall I proceed, then?
By all means!
2560 BC

Society of Sumerian Free Masons, how can we help?
Um, Gilgamesh?
In the flesh. Not to be confused with in the nude.
Do you want Open Borders with me?
I don't even know where your territory is, Mao.
Your point being?
I don't need Open Borders with you.
Fine. You'll still want my little red book, right?
Yes. Now go talk to your shaman about that mole of yours and leave me be.
A mole? I don't even have spies yet! How did that happen?
Never mind. Goodbye, Mao.

My lord, we're done recruiting that dumb group of Settlers you wanted. We can resume work on those all-important Barracks.
Recruit more Settlers, first. I really don't want Kublai Khan to beat me to my second city spot.
But if he did, we could beat him. Literally.
I'm the boss around here, and I say we make more Settlers!
As you wish, my lord. ~grumbles~

2480 BC
The City of Eridu is founded

Yeah! Now make it recruit some Workers. You can never have too many Workers.
Yes. You can.
In any case, two isn't too many!
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