Gigamesh's Court

[Flouzemaker]

1420 AD

The French Trebuchet have bombarded Kish and reduced its defences to 80%, my lord. At this rate, they would attack in five turns.
But they won't because we'll wipe out that stack before they can, right?
Affirmative, that's the plan.
Then make it happen!



Good news! The Knights Jack and John have killed two and damaged more by flanking the enemy. Jack killed a War Elephant, and John slew a Maceman.
Groovy!
Meanwhile, Joe the Knight, freshly recruited in Eridu, slew an annoying Warrior attempting to pillage up north. In addition, Kneel the Musketman has arrived in Kish to bolster the defenses.
Even better, Michael Faraday created the Self-Taught Experimental Science Academy in Lagash!



What? You, the science guy! Never interrupt my war reports with your trivial scientific updates!
But now that Lagash is well developed, it generates a huge amount of gold and beakers!
Until further notice, I am totally not caring! Now shoo!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1430 AD

The visual phone rings

Greetings, I am presently too busy warring with a [BLEEP]hole to take your call right now, please leave a message after the-
I am busy with war myself, Gilgamesh. Please never try to dodge my important calls again.
Alright. What?
It appears to me that our alliance would be stronger if you converted your infidels to Buddhism.
That's what you want? You're kidding, right?
I never kid around with religion, Gilgamesh.
I'll consider converting to Buddhism when you convert to Christianity.
Only one of my cities follows that faith. To few to convert on.
And only one of mine gives a crap about Buddhism. See my point?
Very well, goodbye.

Gilgamesh, my good friend!
I. Am. Busy.
Just a small matter. Stop trading with Portugal. Joao's hat is a menace to crop yields worldwide.
I will keep trading with Joao and that's that!
Very well. But know that I'm taking you off my Little Red Book Recipient List.
Watch me shed a tear over this tragic loss.
I don't see a tear.
Exactly. Farewell, Mao.

 

[Flouzemaker]

The Visual Phone rings yet again.
WHAT?
Hey, Gil, my good friend!
Make it quick, Joao.
IseethatyouhaveknowledgeofPaperandI'vecometobelievemyEmpirewouldbenefitgreatlyfromsuchfuturistictechnologywannagiveittomeinexchangeforabsolutelynothingatall?
I don't know what you've just said, but since you did make it quick, I'll give you what you want, whatever it is.
Superlative! Goodbye!


My lord, the French have reduced Kish's defense, once again. But thanks to the arrival of Crouch and Hunker Down, the Musketmen, I feel Kish is now safe. Should we attack the French stack once more?
By all means, soldier!

Moments later...

Squat the Musketman has iced a Maceman, while Crouch offed a Horse Archer. These crucial victories inspired the birth of Geronimo, a Great General:



Shall we have him join the city as an Instructor?
No. Make him build The Military Academy of Death Inducing Yawns. If we build troops faster in Eridu, roughly one per turn thanks to this Academy, we can spend more time building stuff.
My lord, we're at war precisely because we spent too much time building stuff and not enough build troops!
Who said I should even try to learn from my mistakes?
No one, my lord, but good sense and logic dictates that -
Build an Academy!
~sigh~ Consider it done, my lord.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1440 AD



More news, my lord.
Alright, give me the dirt.
First, the French reduced Kish's defenses once more. However, our troops killed off all of Louis' besiegers. Jack the Knight and Squat the Musketman are now considered national heroes, and have been promoted accordingly.
Score!



I strongly recommend we keep solidifying our defenses so we can be ready for the second wave of attack. Perhaps even create an offensive stack of our own?
Hmm. Ok for the defenses, but I'll pass on the stack for now. France is too far away. I don't even want Paris for my own. It's big and nice and all, but it's people are French. We can't have that.
Sire, my sources tell me Louis is open to peace talks.
What. Already? Has it been ten turns?
No, but Louis is still willing to talk. It might have something to do with Zara Yaqob causing havoc on the French coast. All of his fishing boats have been torched.
Didn't we send Galleons and a Caravel to do that?
We can't pillage what has already been destroyed, sire. But I notice that one of the maps we received hints at the presence of an Island in the far north. Shall we explore, while our fleet is already deployed and not so far away?
Sure, why not.
And shall we call Louis to negociate peace?
Of course! Put him on the line!

Ah! Gilgamesh! I see you tire of this needless war. How about a cease fire?
No sale, Louis. I just called to underscore the fact that you're a [BLEEP]ing idiot. You smell like the putrid cheese your cows fart out of their milk muskets! Your mother-
You're being immature, Gilgamesh! I shall hang up if you do not want to speak of peace.
... is your father's daughter, you incestuous pig lover! Your teeth and your stained undergarments have a color in common! Your wig looks like a fecal matter orgy! You singlehandedly disprove that popular theory about large noses! Your head puts the Sphinx to shame yet you have the brain capacity of a... did you hang up?
He hung up!
Man, this war is turning out great! I can't wait until Louis' second wave gets here!


1450 AD

Sumeria waits for Louis' second wave of attack.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1460 AD

Sumeria is still waiting.

Well, this is taking a while.
The Power Graph may hold some answers, my lord:



It appears that, while we didn't have a great number of troops, nobody had huge numbers to begin with.
Really.
Ever since the only bona-fide warmonger, Montezuma, is being kept on a leash, no one truly saw the need. If Louis has a second wave coming, it's probably not very impressive.
Meanwhile, our Caravel is close to reaching the northern island, sire. Care to see the cartographic data we know about?
Sure.



Flood plains and a barbarian City, huh? With some unexploited Fish? I think that island my have some promise, fellas! Let's build a Settler and a few troops to Settle it while we're the only ones to know Astronomy.


1470 AD

Sumeria still waits for Louis' second wave of attack.


1480 AD

Sumeria waits for Louis' second wave of attack ends. It finally arrives!

My lord, Louis' second wave of attack has arrived.
Really? Let me see. Come on! That's preposterous! That can't possibly be it! Let me call Louis...

Dials...

Ah-Ha! Ready for peace, are we? Scared?
Two Macemen? That's all you got left? Two macemen?? That's almost as pathetic as you are, Louis! Did I mention the fact that the cleft of your chins looks like Willem's oldest working girl's posterior?
My macemen might be few in numbers, but I've fortified them on your forest! You shall suffer numerous losses trying to get rid of them. Give up, yet?
You're a [BLEEP], you know that? You call this waging war? Montezuma did a better job than you're doing now, and look at him go now!
I assume you tire of the countless beatings I hand you. Now, about pea-
Are you completely delusional or is dementia already kicking in?
That's how we French wage war, Gilgamesh. We annoy and irritate to death. Very effective.
Oh, yes. It's working like a charm. You belong in a [BLEEP]ing nuthouse! Sure, your head wouldn't fit in such a small dwelling, but your brain would! Your [BLEEP] fell off so long ago they probably rolled off the map by now! Your deformed melon's so huge Joao's hat wouldn't fit on it! You... hung up again, huh? Fine.

 

[Flouzemaker]

Sire. The discovery of Economics has stimulated the birth of Pytheas, the Great Merchant. Additionally, the French Great Engineer Louis Daguerre has defected and arrived in Eridu.



Score! Send Pytheas to Beijing, and have Jack and his band of Knights protect him for part of the trip. As for our two Great Engineers, send them to Lagash, I want them to go to that northern island with our settlers.

1490 AD

The Visual Phone is a ringing again...

Sumerian Loans and Bonds, how can I help?
Greetings, war ally. My sisters have pointed out a convenient fact to me. Invading France would be much easier if you shared knowledge of Astronomy with me. After all, Galleons are stronger, and they carry more troops.
That's a good point, Zara.
Of course it is. Are you calling my sisters stupid?
No. Not at all. I'm sure they're very pretty.
So you lust for my sisters, then?
What? There is no right answer to that question, is there?
I fear not. But you giving me Astronomy would smooth things over quite nicely.
I can't give you that, dude. I need to be the sole possessor of that technology for a few more turns, yet.
You're not turning out to be a very good ally. I knew I shouldn't trust you too much.
I already gave you two techs, Zara! It'll have to do! Farewell!

 

[Flouzemaker]

Gilgamesh, my friendly little neighbor! Let's have fun together. Crush Ramesses with me and I'll make sure the history books we write mention you in a footnote.
Tempting. Very tempting, but no. I'm pretty busy humiliating Louis.
I warn you, Gilgamesh. Refuse my generous offer once more, and I shall stop thinking of you as a friend. You don't want to be on Mongolia's bad side, trust me.
Oh really? You know when you declared war on Egypt, Kubie?
Err...
In 460 AD. It's been over a thousand years, Kublai. In a thousand years, you haven't managed to make any progress in your war against the weakest civilization on the continent. Wow! Do I need to elaborate any further on how pathetic that really is? Ooooh! I'm really afraid to be excluded from your good graces now!
That's it! We are not friends anymore, Gilgamesh.
Hopefully you'll call me less often as an acquaintance. Farewell, Kublai Khan.


Sire, my sources tell me that Mao Zedong and Joao II have reached a peace agreement.

Really? They decided to end their war just before it reached its thousand year anniversary, huh? I suppose they couldn't stand the shame of their pitiful and fruitless efforts anymore.
I presume that is indeed the case.
Ur finally completed it's Moai Statues, divine-leader.
Wow! I think that took well over five hundred years! But I do suppose that city will be able to start building a thing or two, now.
I concur.


1500 AD

My lord, there are some new developments you should be aware o on the war front.
Hit me.
More macemen have joined the fortified duo in Kish's eastern forest.
That's mildly irritating.
And as they accompanied Pytheas on his voyage to China, Jack and his merry band of knights have discovered another French stack making it's way to our lands via Mongol roads... We now know the look of Louis' REAL second wave.
Uh-oh.



.... to be continued...

 

[Tiepolo]

ACK! The suspense!

 

[StuntedAzrael]

Cliffhanger!!!! ACK!

 

[dazman92]

Ack! Real Stack!

 

[Civbowl]

It is turning into a Greek tragedy.

Our hero turned down peace in 1480, and now doom appears on the horizon, a doom which his advisers had warned him about for years.

However, it is always darkest right before the dawn.

Very well done story. I hope you win.

 

[Rex rgis of Ter]

Beg For Peace!!!! Must Finish Story!!!

 

[Palidore]

...Hurry up and write @_@

 

[Killroyan]

Come on!!! I want to know how this finishes. Lets see how the military advisor will start cursing

 

[Flouzemaker]

1500 AD


My lord, there are some new developments you should be aware of on the war front.
Hit me.
More macemen have joined the fortified duo in Kish's eastern forest.
That's mildly irritating.
And as they accompanied Pytheas on his voyage to China, Jack and his merry band of knights have discovered another French stack making it's way to our lands via Mongol roads...
Uh-oh.
I concur, my lord. Were I in their sandals, I'd say “Uh-oh” as well.
We're not in trouble?
Negative.
But you gave the impression that we were.
It's called creating artificial suspense. TV shows do it all the time. I believe Jack and his knights can easily handle a small group of Horse Archers accompanying Trebuchets. Two Horse Archers and a pair of Trebuchets are no match for our mighty Knights!
Have Jack slay them all, then! Have no mercy!



Well that was easy. There goes Louis' “real” second wave!
Don't forget the four macemen fortified in our forest. I suggest we build a few cheap catapults to soften them up before Squat and his boys decimate them.
Sounds like a reasonable plan. Do it. The Power Graph now says that Louis' army and our own are of equal strength. And we're not battling three civilizations, France is.
Sire, Pytheas has completed his mercantile quest, and our coffers are overflowing with gold.
Excellent! Pack Settlers, Musketmen, a worker and our two Great Engineers in Galleons and send them to the northern island while our Caravel explores it. In fact, I think we can even send Jack and his Knights to the Northern Island to tackle its pesky natives.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1515 AD

Divine-leader. Eridu has built five catapults that have been sent down to Kish, and every city is now guarded by at least one Musketman. May I suggest we build the Taj Mahal in Eridu?
Sure, why not? You do that. Since our Caravel has essentially finished exploring the northern island, I want to start planning our colony. Look at this:



Zimbir (City 1) will be OK, and Shuruppak (City 2) will undoubtedly suck. Still, it's in everyone's best interest that Sumeria colonize that land, as opposed to some other irresponsible civilization! Then, we'll obviously grab Khazak and Harappan and make those ours.
What about the other island?
What does my comprehensive little map say?
That it's worthless real-estate?
Hey, if the map says so, then it must be true!


1530 AD


Horrible news, divine-leader: Louis XIV has built the Taj Mahal and he now enjoys all the benefits of his very own Golden Age.
Dang it! Only France could consider that an unbroken streak of humiliating military defeats constitutes a Golden Age! Damn him!
However, a bald and bearded Great Prophet named Jeanne d'Arc has defected from France and joined our Empire. She's not pretty, but maybe she could at least be handy.
Err... sure. Make her build the the Masjid Al-Haram in Kish. We'll spam some Jewish and Islamic missionaries inside our lands to generate more income.
Oh, and lest I forget, Zimbir has been founded as planned, divine-leader. Though I'm unsure as to why you brought two Great Engineers all the way over there...
I want them to combine their efforts and build me Versailles, of course!
Both of them? Isn't that overkill? Couldn't we just build the Forbidden Palace instead?
We could, but I don't wanna.

 

[Red Dwarf Devil]

Thanks for the great read, can't wait to see how this turns out.

Need to go and have a little chat with my own military advisor as he has been warning me off my neglect of the Armed Forces being a bulider type myself

 

[Flouzemaker]

1545 AD

Shuruppak has been founded, sire.



And, as planned, it mostly sucks.
I also hear that Louis XIV has made peace with Zara Yaqob and his vassal, Montezuma.
Why the cowardly little suck-up! How dare he? And Zara? I gave him two techs to make this war? Couldn't he, say, take one of Louis' cities? Or let Monty do it? Monty has a gazillion troops!
Maybe you could vent some anger by destroying Louis' pesky macemen. The catapults are ready, and so are Squat and his boys.
That should make me feel better!

moments later...

There you have it, my lord. Five catapults sacrificed themselves in the name of Sumeria so that Squat and his band of Musketmen could easily decimate Louis' macemen despite their strong defensive position.
Excellent!


1555 AD

My lord. At this point, can I suggest we mount an offensive force to invade and liberate France from it's tyrannical King?
Err. No. I don't want any of those French cities... Our colony already costs a pretty penny despite Versailles, and France is on the other side of the frikkin' globe!
So why are we still at war, then?
Because Louis is a poo-poo head.
But sire, war creates discontent in our people. If it's a war we don't even need... why should you do that to your followers?
Again, because Louis is a poo-poo head.
It takes a strong man to wage a war, sire, but it takes a stronger man to vie for peace.
Oh, all right, I'll call Louis.

 

[Flouzemaker]

I know you're calling me just to insult me, Gilgamesh. Don't waste your time, I'll hang up right now.
No! Wait, wait... ~sigh~ I'm calling to reach a peace agreement.
Oh! Vraiment?
... And insult you at the same time.
Very mature.
So what would you give me for a peace agreement you wretched goose lover?
How about my world map?
Just like your mustache and your manhood, your offer is too small.
How about my World Map, 140 gold and 60 more gold to be payed in ten payments? That's all I have.
You have Military Tradition you ill-begotten son of a wanton whore.
That's just unreasonable.
Fine, I'll settle for the other deal then.
If you stop insulting me, we'll have an arrangement.
~sigh~ Hold on a second, then. Your dying grey cells are softer than the leading brand of hygienic paper. Your face looks like it's melting. No amount of perfume could ever hope to mask your putrid breath, the smell rotting teeth, the stink of your dubious morals, and the malodorous grease viscously pouring out of your pores.
Done?
Yeah, I think so. We can sign that cease fire agreement, now.
Good! We shall have peace forevermore!
Whatever, goodbye you piece of... err... goodbye, you.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1580 AD

Divine-leader, the Great Scientist Johannes Kepler has been born in Kish.
Have him build his Academy of Orbital Mathematics in Eridu.
Certainly.


1605 AD

GILGAMESH!
Ghaah! Oh! It's been a while, Spirit of Random Events!
Actually it hasn't been that long. You just selectively decide to skip over some events in this tale of yours on the basis that they're not entertaining enough.
Same thing. What's up this time?



I see. Here's the thing, Spirit of Random Events. While the bonus is cool to have, I think I should have skipped this Random Event as well.
It's a little bit late, now.


1610 AD

Sire. I'd like to point out that while we do have a nearly unsurmountable technological lead over other Civilizations, our economy is struggling ever since we settled the Northern Island. And if you plan on adding those two Barbarian cities to your Empire, we'll need extra income. How about we simply sell our extra resources we can never seem to be able to trade to anyone?
That's a reasonable suggestion. I'll do it. Let's see... who has spending money... Louis. Yeah, well I ain't sellin' him nuthin'! Who else? Ah!

Dials

Hello?
Yo, Zara, my main man! I've got some jewels to sell, buddy. How much are you willing to give me for 'em?
How about 11 gold per turn?
Score!! Done deal, consider those jewels yours.