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His Finest Several Hundred Hours: A LoR story, starring Winston Churchill and his advisors

Discussion in 'Civ4 - Stories & Tales' started by 6K Man, Dec 5, 2017 at 10:06 PM.

  1. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    <a faint buzzing noise is heard. Winston Churchill opens his eyes.>

    What is this place? Reminds me of a time in Bechuanaland...



    You're not in Bechuanaland. You're leading England in her darkest hour.

    It's her darkest hour, already?

    Afraid so.

    But we don't have any cities yet?

    No. Or electricity. Hence, "darkest"

    Right. Let's get on that. Who are you, anyway?

    *clears throat* Nancy Witcher Langhorne Astor, the Viscountess Astor. I shall be your domestic, economic, cultural and science advisor. You may address me as Lady Astor, or Milady or Ma'am if you prefer.

    Quite so. But did you not say, Mrs. Astor, that I am leading England? And if you must insist on formal titles, kindly refer to me as Sir Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill, KG, OM, CH, TD, PCc, DL, FRS, RA. A considerably longer title than yours, what?

    Lady Astor (LA): *grumbles* Very well, we shall proceed on an informal basis. Our scouts have prepared a map for your review, to aid in choosing a location upon which to found London.

    Spoiler :

    Churchill (C): Great Scott! What a location!

    Lady Astor: Yes, it seems this is what is called a cooked start, Winston.

    Churchill: Splendid!

    Lady Astor: Before you get too excited, Winston, bear in mind that if the start wasn't cooked, England wouldn't stand a chance.

    Churchill: Oh. *beat* So, we're surrounded by lush, fertile land. Any suggestions as to where we should build our first settlement?

    Lady Astor: I recommend that we build on top of this barren, rocky hill, Winston.

    Churchill: You're kidding, right?

    Lady Astor: *eyeroll* No. You'll see why, later.

    Churchill: Very well, harridan.

    <London is founded>

    Churchill: Now, I must speak with our military. You there, soldier!


    Who are you?

    Soldier: I'm Monty, Sir Winston.

    Churchill: Monty?!!? I was warned about you, off camera... and told that I would recognize you by the ridiculous hat. And that you show off your nipples. You Mesoamerican chaps have a thing for nipples, I gather.

    Monty: *looking down* My nipples are under my uniform. And this hat is called a beret.

    Churchill: A beraaaaayyyyy? Are you French?

    Monty: No, Sir Winston. I am Monty, your military advisor, field commander, and aficionado of marching.

    Churchill: Not Monty as in Montezuma, then?

    Monty: No, Sir Winston. My full name is Field Marshal Bernard Law Montgomery, The Viscount Montgomery of Alamein, KG, GCB, DSO, PC, DL.

    Spoiler :

    Churchill: Ugh, another title. Monty it is, then. This might get confusing.

    Monty: Your orders, sir?

    Churchill: Go exploring.

    Monty: Right-o.

    Churchill: Since we can't farm rocks, we'll need to find some way to feed the English people, and "Rock and chips" doesn't seem too appetizing. Let's see about improving those Fish-

    Greetings, Sir Winston.

    Churchill: And who might you be?

    Your Minister of Production, Prime Minister.

    Churchill: Prime Minister? Simmer down, we can't even call this a proper Monarchy yet. What are your qualifications?

    I overhauled your war production in a time of crisis. Don't you remember, Sir Winston?

    Churchill: Sounds a lot like you're talking about events that haven't happened yet. Very well, time-traveling Minister of Production, what other qualifications do you have? What does publishing have to do with production?

    I invented the Page 3 Girl, and tranformed that invention into a pornographic publishing empire.

    Churchill: The what, and a whaaaa? Paper and Printing Press won't be discovered for another 4000 years or so, you know. So what should I call you?

    Lord Beaverbook, at your service, Sir Winston.

    Churchill: Great. This thread will be closed before it gets started. *sighs* Could you build some fishing boats, as I was trying to say two puns ago. And maybe a mine on the hill by that river?
  2. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    Lady Astor: Winston, as head of government, you must decide what our learned men should... learn.

    Churchill: Ah-ah-ah. Not so fast., heiress harridan. If we don't choose a tech to research for 5 turns, we can avoid wasting beakers on something we subsequently find in a hut.

    Lady Astor: Fine. I'm sure you know what you're doing.

    Churchill: Good. Next, our reconnaissance. Field Marshal!

    Monty: We'll shatter the Boche. Shatter the Boche!

    Churchill: Um, it's just a tribal village. What did our scouts find there? Besides some Picts, I guess?

    Monty: Oh. This.

    Spoiler :

    Churchill: Excellent work. See, I told you that not choosing a research topic in the first turn would pay off!

    Lady Astor: Winston, I recommend building Stonehenge, once we have improved the land around London.

    Churchill: Why would we do that? Stonehenge is overrated, isn't it? Nasty Priest GPP, and all that.

    Lady Astor: My Domestic Advisor senses tell me that this is a VERY large world we live on, and Stonehenge will save England from having to build dozens of stone pillars in all our cities.

    Churchill: Um.

    Lady Astor: To expand English culture, of course. And make the English people happier; your inexplicably charismatic nature is enhanced by the presence of stone pillars.

    Churchill: Right.

    Lady Astor: And as you've noticed, London is exceedingly productive, due to having all that Stone to mine under the city's foundations. Perfect for building a large Henge out of.

    Churchill: Alright, you've convinced me. Although we won't get any Stone bonuses until we learn Masonry.

    Lady Astor: Given my antipathy to Catholics https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nancy_Astor,_Viscountess_Astor#Religious_views, I recommend learning Mason-

    Churchill: Thank you, Lady Windbag. Monty!

    Monty: Yes, Sir Winston?

    Churchill: Found anything?

    Monty: Yes, we founded York. And some tribesmen gave us a map.

    Spoiler :

    Churchill: Nice of them. Go find out what those other tribal villages have for us. I hope they're Picts.
  3. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    Churchill: Lord Beaverbook?

    Lord Beaverbook: Yes, Prime Minister?

    Churchill: Stop calling me that.

    Lord Beaverbook: Would you prefer "Backwards Despot"?

    Churchill: Just tell me what London and York are building, please.

    Lord Beaverbook: Work boats, to harvest the local Fish and Crabs, respectively.

    Churchill: Thanks. Now go away. Field Marshal! What did those Pictish hut-dwellers give us?

    Monty: More wisdom, Sir Winston.

    Spoiler :

    Churchill: Hoody-hoo, another free tech! Man, this game is going to be easy. Go meet those other tribespersons, Monty.

    Lady Astor: Winston.

    Churchill: What?

    Lady Astor: Why are we researching Polytheism?

    Churchill: We're not. We're not researching anything until 5 turns have passed, and then we'll...

    Lady Astor: You forgot to pick a tech last turn, didn't you?

    Churchill: No, you forgot to remind me!

    Lady Astor: *sighs* I had hoped that you would research Masonry, to speed along Stonehenge. We can live on seafood for a while, but you could have also started research on Agriculture, so that we could improve the feral Corn outside of York.

    Churchill: Fine, we're rearching Masonry now.

    Monty: Sir Winston, our intrepid explorers have uncovered the secrets of

    Spoiler :

    Churchill: Well done, Field Marshal! You see, Lady Astor, that your concerns were baseless. Here we have Agriculture, making good the lost time spent researching Polytheism.

    And you thought this game would be hard!

    Lady Astor: I confess to being surprised by your hut luck, Winston. You haven't been reloading, have you?

    Churchill: Of course not, I would never!

    Lady Astor: You certainly would and have. But not this time.

    Churchill: This game's gonna be easy! Field Marshal! What was in that last tribal village? Astronomy?

    Monty: Another map, Sir Winston.

    Spoiler :

    Churchill: Say, that looks like an island, doesn't it?

    Lady Astor: If it is, it makes the Great Lighthouse something to consider building, if we can put a city there.

    Churchill: I'll take your word for it. Now might be a good time to bring up a map of the rest of the world.

    Spoiler :

    Lord Beaverbook: Sir?

    Churchill: Yes, Lord Beaverbook?

    Lord Beaverbook: We've completed a second Gold mine near London.

    Churchill: Excellent. Now go tame that feral Corn!
  4. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    Lady Astor: Winston?

    Churchill: Lady Virago?

    Lady Astor: Your scouts have uncovered the makings of a lovely city site north of London...

    Churchill: Great!

    Lady Astor: ...but haven't bothered exploring the environs.

    Churchill: I'll have Monty look at them. Field Marshal!

    Monty: Now who's giving the orders here, Sir Winston?

    Churchill: Me.

    Lady Astor: Him, officially.

    Churchill: Me. Anyway, keep exploring. You've done much more for our scientific advancement than Lord Beaverbook. Where is that old pervert, anyway?

    Lord Beaverbook: At this stage of the game I'm a young pervert. And we still haven't discovered Paper or a Dye resource. My best days are ahead of me, Sir Winston.

    Churchill: Fine. What good are you, then?

    Lord Beaverbook: London has built a Fishing Boat. I recommend we send it to harvest the Fish southwest of London. They'll take longer to develop, but will do a better job of feeding a growing city than the Crabs would.

    Churchill: Yes, and "Crab and Chips" doesn't sound appetizing.


    Stop sneaking up on me in that ridiculous hat, Monty!

    Monty: We've made contact with another tribal village, Sir Winston.

    Spoiler :

    Churchill: Another bloody map. At least I can see more tribal settlements; go explore those.

    Lord Beaverbook: We've successfully caught some Fish, Sir Winston. I recommend putting the citizens of London to work on harvesting the Fish, even if the Mines go unworked. Otherwise, the city will never grow.

    Churchill: Fine. Arrange the workers as you wish and stop bothering me about them every turn!

    Lord Beaverbook: Very well, Sir Winston. But don't blame me when London grows and starts working an unimproved Floodplain instead of the Gold mine.

    Monty: We entered another tribal village, and rifled through the villagers' purses when they weren't looking

    Spoiler :

    Churchill: At least it wasn't another bloody map. Look, keep exploring, but only tell me if we find something interesting, like a tech or a horde of Welsh barbarians.

    Lady Astor: Winston?

    Churchill: Yes?

    Lady Astor: The Buddhist religion has been founded.

    Spoiler :

    Churchill: Huh? Where?

    Lady Astor: In a distant land.

    Churchill: How do you know that?

    Lady Astor: If you keep asking me those questions, we'll never get anywhere.

    Churchill: Fine. Praise Buddha, wherever the hell he is.

    Monty: Sir Winston?

    Churchill: Mmmmmhmmm?

    Monty: Our Scouts each found a pack of hungry Lions.

    Churchill: Pride. What did the Lions teach us?

    Monty: To end our movement on a forest or hill. One Scout is Lion chow and the other is gravely wounded.

    Spoiler :

    Churchill: So we won't be exploring any more for a while?

    Monty: Quite so. And especially not to the North. Never fear, we'll shatter the Boche!

    Churchill: Uh, sure. Someone give me some good news?

    Lady Astor: We have finally learned Masonry, Winston.

    Churchill: Where's the screenshot? How do I know it happened without a screenshot?

    Lady Astor: I don't do screenshots. Isn't photography the province of your production advisor, Lord Smutpeddler-or-whatever-he's-called? Anyway, Winston, I recommend that we research Animal Husbandry, in order to have the opportunity to herd the Pigs near York. And possibly find horses to draw our gilded carriages.

    Lord Beaverbook: I recommend that Lady Astor keep a civil tongue in her head, or my tabloids will not treat her well, 4000 years from now. I also recommend we research Bronze Working now, in order that we might work our populace to death and destroy the natural features of our land, in order to build things faster.

    Churchill: Spoken like a true plutocrat, Lord B! And we don't even have an inkling of Corporation yet.

    Lord Beaverbook: Thank you, Sir Winston.

    Churchill: But I'm going to go with Lady Astor's advice instead. Lord Beaverbook, are you sulking?

    Lord Beaverbook: No.... Yes. I recommend we build Stonehenge in London.

    Churchill: Wouldn't it be better in York? York has population to burn, err, whip. And York could also use a Culture source other than a single giant stone pillar.

    Lord Beaverbook: True. But we don't know how to turn people into buildings yet, and York has no source of production.

    Churchill: Fine. Make it so, London shall be the home of a giant magic circle of stones.
  5. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    (Churchill spends a few turns relaxing, contemplating his masterful management of the English economy, when a shadow darkens his door. It is Lady Astor.)

    Churchill: Something tells me you aren't here with compliments.

    Lady Astor: Your workers are idle, Winston. *shakes head sadly* This is poor planning on your part.

    Churchill: Poor planning? Poor planning? We have Gold Mines in London, Farms near York, and our fishermen bring home a bounty of Fish and Crab at the end of each day. Our production is just too efficient!

    Lady Astor: You and Lord Beaverbook might believe that, but I know differently. I recommend we research the Wheel, after we learn Animal Husbandry. That will give our workers something to do, in building a road connection between York and London to facilitate trade. It will also allow London to get the benefit of York's Wheat and Pigs. The floodplains around London are filthy - some proper nutrition would make the citizens of London healthier.

    Churchill: Makes sense, unless we have no horses. Then it's Bronze Working all the way.

    Monty: Huzzah! And incidentally, Sir Winston, Lion Chow has now recovered from his injuries.

    Churchill: Marvellous! Let him continue to exploit the backward natives he encounters! We are the English, after all.

    (some time passes)

    Lady Astor: Winston? My learned folk have discovered Animal Husbandry. I recommend we study the Wheel.

    Churchill: No screenshot?

    Lady Astor: No. Everybody reading this has seen the tech splash screens a thousand times.

    Churchill: *sighs* Well, we don't have any Horses, so we're not learning the Wheel. Bronze Working it is.

    Lady Astor: Assuming we even find Copper, you'll still need roads to hook it up.

    Churchill: Fine. Go away.

    (more time passes)

    Monty: The pagan tribes have provided another map of the overseas lands

    Spoiler :

    Churchill: Interesting, but unless the two landmasses get closer together in the south, we won't be visiting anytime soon.

    Lord Beaverbook: And our small-i industrious workers have produced a great Wonder that tracks the movement of the stars and reveals the size of the earth!

    Spoiler :

    Churchill: What do the stars tell us, Lord Beaverbook?

    Lord Beaverbook: Very little. When do we invent magazines?

    Churchill: Wait. What's THAT??

    Spoiler :

    Just how big is this bloody map, anyway?

    Lady Astor: I warned you this wouldn't be easy, didn't I?

    Churchill: It's still gonna be easy. Monty?

    Monty: Our Warrior has found Copper NW of London. I recommend that our Settlers found a city there, Sir Winston, so we can build better units than Warriors.

    Churchill: When did we build a Warrior, anyway?

    Lord Beaverbook: Sometime after you told me to stop bothering you with details.

    Lady Astor: I agree with General-

    Monty: Field Marshal.

    Lady Astor: -Montgomery. With only Warriors to defend with, our lands are vulnerable to the first barbarian unit that happens upon us. Settling near Copper would allow us to build Axemen-

    Monty: Who would actually stand a chance against a barbarian excursion.

    Churchill: But the barbarians are our friends! They taught us Sailing, Agriculture and Mysticism, and gave us all those semi-useless maps. Surely you aren't referring to the large Bear that keeps us from exploring east of York? I'm sorry, my mind is made up. We're going to settle that sweet Corn-Rice-Gems site instead!

    All: Don't blame me when England falls to a single barbarian axeman.

    (time passes)

    Lady Astor: Winston?

    Churchill: What now?

    Lady Astor: We've revolted to Slavery. You were waiting to do so after our Settlers were built, but you forgot.

    Churchill: *sighs* Yes. But at least the city hasn't been founded yet.

    Lady Astor: No. Which reminds me, we found a colony of Crabs near the Copper deposits, which would feed a new city there nic-

    Churchill: Stop haranguing me about settling near the Copper! Every Civ4 story has to have irrational decisions that almost spell disaster in it.

    Lady Astor: Very well, you're still the boss, until your head ends up on a barbarian pike. Although you should probably build Nottingham on the Grass hill SE of the spot you had planned for it.

    Churchill: Er, yes, that would probably be better.

    Spoiler :

    Churchill: Marvelous! Those Gems will boost our happiness and keep our Research rate high.

    Lady Astor: So you say.

    Spoiler :

    Churchill: So I do. Say, Monty, who's that Blue guy down there? Gilgamesh?

    Monty: We'll know next turn, Sir Winston.

    Spoiler :

    CDG: Greetings, English Pigdogs!

    Churchill: Charles! My old friend, brother in arms against the German hordes! So great to see you! So, shall we b-<dial tone>

    He hung up on me?!

    Lady Astor: Winston, De Gaulle doesn't like you very much.

    Churchill: But I thought we could be friends? He'd pretend to field an army against the Germans, and I'd pretend to give him a say on strategy. I <phone rings>

    CDG: Gimme Crab!

    Spoiler :

    Churchill: (aside to Lady Astor, sotto voce) He's demanding Crab! The nerve!

    Lady Astor: (sotto voce) Winston, I recommend giving it to him. It's not as if he can build anything with Crabs, and it might make him like us better. Besides, giving people Crabs runs in your family. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_Randolph_Churchill#Marriage

    Churchill: I'll ignore that comment for now. Fine, give the French Crabs!

    Lady Astor: And you can always cancel the offer in 10 turns.

    Churchill: Like we'll remember that.

    Lady Astor: Also, we just discovered Seafaring. And no, nobody cares about the screenshot.
  6. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    Churchill: Monty, could we get a look at all those maps Lion Chow and his friends have been collecting instead of useful things like money?

    Monty: Absolutely, Sir Winston:

    Spoiler :

    Churchill: Waitaminute… De Gaulle isn’t even on our landmass? He’s on an island?! We should have ignored his empty threats and kept our Crabs!

    Lady Astor: Yes, Winston, it seems we are on an island, all to ourselves. Very fitting…

    Churchill: Splendid isolation!

    Lady Astor: …although it’s quite likely that De Gaulle will be able to settle the isthmus across the water from him, long before we can expand that far.

    Churchill: Well, we’ll have to start calling him Norman De Gaulle, then. I’m still mad that we gave him Crabs when he’d have no military recourse if we had refused.

    Lady Astor: If nothing else, it’ll make him happier with us, in case we want to open borders with him someday. But there’s something else to the north that you should be aware of…

    Churchill: The island?

    Lady Astor: It might not be an island, which would make the Great Lighthouse less desirable. Perhaps we should recruit more Scouts, so we can explore north of Nott and make certain?

    Churchill: I’ll have Monty get right on that.

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