Historical events in Civ IV terms

I think it would be funny if we explained real life events in civ terms. I'll start us off.

The Romans were able to build there empire due to the awsome power of Praetorians but it collapsed due to high maitinence cost.

 

Germany had -2 relations with Poland because Poland had fallen under the sway of a heathen religion. So, Germany declared war on Poland.

 

The United States wanted the land that Sitting Bull's people had already settled upon. So they built massive Cavalry SoDs and razed all of SB's cities, eliminating him from the game.

 

WW2 was declared because Germany entered Police State and, a couple turns later, used the AP, containing Rome and Germany, to declare war on the infidels.

 

No, no, no!
Jarlaxe Baenre is partly right though.

Spoiler WWII in Civ terms :

WWII began when germany used the AP to DoW Poland. Poland had a defensive pact with France and England. Germany then bribed Russia to attack Poland, which they did. Then Germany used a tank rush to defeat France. Germany didn't have any coastal cities, so they couldn't build transports. They had to wait until France came out of rebellion, so they sent their bombers to start reducing England's cultural defenses. Meanwhile, England rushbuilt tons of battleships and destroyers and parked them around france, so Germany couldn't send out the transports.

So then Germany decided to attack Russia for whatever reason, and sent their tanks to Moscow. But Russia had switched to Nationalism a while back and started mass drafting infantry, and building tanks. Eventually, when German forces reached Stalingrad, they didn't have enough siege and all died. So then Russia unleashed a massive SoD and started pwning Germany.

Meanwhile, Japan was at war with China, and decided to DoW America. Japan bribed Germany to DoW America, and they did. So then America rushbuilt tons and tons of tanks. battleships, and carriers, and destroyed Japan's naval SoD. Then America used Marines to attack the Japanese by sea and go ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US. Meanwhile, America sent transports full of tanks to Africa, and with the help of England, they both started pwning Italy, who had troops with only 1 XP. But then they met the Afrika Korps, who had all the combat promotions, and they had to use Tanks as siege, because they were playing with the old patch. Eventually, they recaptured Egypt.

So then they invaded Italy, and with their Great Generals Patton and Montgomery, they were able to move really fast, and captured Rome.

Germany then sent another mini-SoD to try and capture Rome, but failed.

And then England, America, and England's vassals used English based bombers to bomb France to weaken the units there and used marines to capture cities along the coast. While Russia advanced west, they started moving east, and Germany's SoD was split so much, they couldn't stop the Allies and then Berlin was captured and they lost.

Here's one I stole from the 1000 clues you play too much Civ4:
Christianity was founded when a Great Prophet, Jesus Christ, bulbed Theology. Rome got an extra missionary when it founded Christianity, and used it to spread it to another of its cities. Since Rome had not had a religion, it converted.

 

England lost their land in the Hundred Years' War because Knights ignore First Strikes.

 

Must be playing too much civ, because I seem to do this unconsciously when I watch historical documentaries or international news programmes(can we do current events in civ terms too?)

1) The world owes Spain a big favor for blocking Joao off from the rest of the world; otherwise we would all be speaking portugese right now. I f****ing hate immortal Joao whenever I see his exploratory scout I immediately go into war mode and plan to crush him ASAP... btw, how do you pronounce "Joao???"

2) The United States is to blame for global warming after they nuked Japan into capitulating

3) Greece is a favorite target for past empires because of it had many marble wonders. First came the persians followed by the macedons, romans, byzantines, but the ottomans granted them independence after the wonders had gone obsolete. Same with egypt & the greeks, persians, macedons, romans, mongols, byzantynes, arabs, and ottomans because they had the pyramids.

4) The vietnam war was lost because america didn't switch to police state to combat war weariness which was crippling their cities

5) The Incas got screwed with on Worldbuilder because they have the crappiest start of any civ

6) The Mongol conquest failed because their empire got bloated and too expensive to maintain and went on strike

7) Phalanxes are great vs. persian immortals, but 300 phalanxes vs. >200,000 immortals... we'll let the RNG gods decide on that...

 

I think it's pronounced "Jow" with the "ow" as in "pow" or "ow!" and the "J" as in "jujube"

 

You mean like "Jujubepow"? Lol

 

Nah, they just razed most of them, then capitulated him. That's where we get the reservations.

 

No, they declared war, made peace, culture-bombed some border cities and then made Sitting Bull's cities flip to them. Then they razed those cities. Finally, with only a few small cities left, Sitting Bull peacevassaled.

 

My favourite is:

Stalin replaced farms with workshops at an alarming rate and whipped his now-starving specialists into factories, powerplants and military units. Thankfully, Research Institutes were just around the corner. Building them quickly with all that production and switching out of Police State made Russia recover nicely from the excessive whipping, starvation and a costly war.
Looking at it just from civ and ignoring real-world suffering, I'd be forced to say 'Very nice play, comrade Stalin'

 

Germany lost WW1 when the Allies had thousands of tanks, but Germany had less than 50. They didn't have enough Panzers, despite their bonus vs. tanks, to defeat the Allied tanks.

 

Since Portuguese is a very adaptive language and constantly mispoken, it's a great language if you like phonetic jokes. Plus, it's hard to learn from a foreigner's view, so respect us for speaking something that hard but cool and changeable.

It´s "João", and you pronounce it something like this: Joo (the J isn't "djoo" like you would speak, but just "joo")-[h]a[m]-oo.

After you try to say it correctly and fail a 1000 times like my English teacher, you'll bow down to all portuguese speakers for being able to speak such a language.

MOAR: No other people change their instant-messaging language like us. Learn a few sentences in Portuguese then see how we change it to IM version. Yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh

 

England's overseas maintenance got too high, so they turned America into a colony. But their relations soured because of England's constant demands so America broke free and declared war.

Old thread, I know, but I like to

 

After popping Astronomy from a goody hut somewhere in Greenland, the Vikings built a Galleon and sailed west into the unknown. They thought they had a good thing going when they settled at L'Anse aux Meadows (w00t we got here before the Portuguese and their carracks w00t), but the maintenance quickly got too high. Plus the colonists kept whining about joining the Native Americans every few years, so Ragnar cut them loose. It's unknown what Sitting Bull did with the colony, but most historians agree that he probably poisoned their water supply before receiving word that they were now his people.

...and on the other end of the continent...

Stalin, following Ragnar's lead, created a few tiny colonies in Alaska. The maintenance costs were crippling (10,000 miles from the capital and on a different continent), and he had already built his Forbidden Palace at St. Petersburg. (Silly, I know, he should've waited and build it in Irkutsk or Vladivostok or somewhere.) He really wanted to unload these useless colonies, and cash was tight, so he contacted Lincoln. Even though American culture at the time was more than 20 tiles away from Alaska, Lincoln agreed to pay a small fee and take these little cities into the fold. (Lincoln got a nice diplo bonus for that one.)

Wasn't too long before the American explorers looked around their new territory. (They needed to fogbust because those bears kept eating their Workers.) Lo and behold, they found some nice resources- Gold, for one. Then they saw the Oil and started wondering what the Russians were thinking. This is another issue that historians still debate- didn't the Russians know about the Oil? We assume they had Scientific Method at this point. Didn't they even have a look-see before they sold it?

Next on History's Mysteries, BtS Edition: Just what civilization was it that built Stonehenge? Whoever they were, they were probably conquered by Barbarians early on. But you'd think that a civ that built something that caused culture pops would've left some sort of evidence. No City Ruins, nothing. Tune in next week.

 

The Americans recieved the faux-pas event against the already 'Cautious' Russians folowing victory in WWII, so the annoyed Stalin declared war. However, he failed to notice that America had defensive pacts with many European countries. When they declared war, he bribed some peaceful, reclusive neighbours to Declare War. But none of his mutual-military-struggle friends sent any SoD, so Stalin used the Manhattan Project, built earlier by America, to build Nukes, and moved them to their ally in the Carribean. America frantically wasted thousands of hammers on building SDI, but the Russians didn't have time to launch their Nukes before the UN passed the Non-Proliferation Resolution. The high maintenance costs of Stalin's empire forced him to free his vassals and sue for peace with America.

 

Great thread, but it's gonna be hard to beat mechaerik's:

Gulf War I thru Gulf War II -

Arabia had lots of Oil but wanted more so invaded a neighbouring civ who had a source of it. America and England got the UN to pass a resolution to allow them to invade Arabia without anyone giving them -1 for "You declared war on our friend!" Russia and China said they wouldn't DoW. Arabia was dog-piled but didn't lose any cities.

The leader of Arabia began poisoning his own wells. America made everyone ‘stop trading with our worst enemy.’ After 20 turns America suspected Arabia had Tactical Nukes but hadn't saved up enough EP points against them to be certain. America and England wanted a UN resolution to allow them to invade Arabia again, but France voted against it. They became Annoyed with France.

England and America invaded Arabia and took all of their cities. They put lots of units into the cities hoping that the citizens would say "The military presence impresses us!" but there was a bug and they still said "We yearn to join our Motherland!"

 

Canada is so busy spamming Temples to fight the culture from the USA that they can't afford the time to build up their military to do something important or significant (Canada captured Tokyo? I'd move there, then )

 

England giving America independence with America staying friendly saying you granted us our indpendence.