History Department: University of Simpleton

[Coinich]

History Department: The University of Simpleton


​

The Syllabus

I. General Course Information

Course Title: Idiotic History 101
Code: HIS 101
Credit: 3
Department: History
Prerequisites: None
Fees and Materials: None
Notes: None
Graduation Information: Applies toward requirement for Idiotic History
Adopted Textbooks:
1) The Idiots Journey, Dunce and Pinhead
2) The Idiots: A guide to the history of the Celts, Dunderhead Press
3) Celts: Pathways to the Present, Knucklehead and Dork
4) Idiotic History: The Ancient Era, Lack of Intelligence Press

II. Course Description

The first semester of Idiotic History is designed to help students understand the events, issues, and personalities that shaped our history from the dawn of the Celts as a separate culture. The course looks at Celtic history from the multiple perspectives of this diverse and ethnically rich nation. Students will develop analytic skills in historical inquiry, problem solving, cause-and-effect synthesis, and evaluation of historic information. Students will also gain the skills and knowledge needed to understand various connections and interdependence of political, economic, technological, and philosophical aspects of Celtic society.

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Professor Coinich MacLaren, Ph.D., History Chair, University of Simpleton​

Professor Coinich MacLaren’s train of thought was disrupted by the consistent, echoing, tap…tap… tap… of hard soled shoes against the freshly waxed tile floor of the History Department at the University of Simpleton. Coinich looked up from his studies just as the rapping started against the time-tempered glass door to his office. It was Rowena, his assistant. She was just another in a long line of very attractive interns he had the opportunity to work with over time. Ah well, he was married. And besides… his studies didn’t allow him the time for frivolous flings with comely interns he was old enough to be a father to. He already knew the reason for her visit. It was time for the Idiotic History 101 course. It was a new semester and a new class of young students who were taking the course to fulfill a requirement. Unfortunately, most of them could care less about the great history of their peoples. They were more concerned about beer. That was a trait that was deeply ingrained in the Celtic culture.

Rowena just stood there and nodded to him. She knew how to read him instinctively. If only he weren’t so much older than her…

He closed the ancient tome he had been studying, turned off the light on his desk, grabbed his leather satchel and headed off to class.

 

[Whomp]

We should keep this for Coinich's story only. I will request that the last 5 post be deleted. Please post in this thread about Coinich's story.

http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=127932&page=2

 

[Kickbooti]

Prof. Coinich! I'm sorry I was late to class.

 

[Own]

Kickbooti

 

[Coinich]

Fellow Idiots:

My most profuse apologies for being conspicuously absent over the last 6+ weeks. My new role at work has taken up virtually all of my free time as the end of year draws near. Additionally, the travel requirements have been hellish as I try to keep everyone happy, and gainfully employed... so to speak. Based upon my current, and expected, schedule - my story writing career is over for at least a few months.

I regret the poor timing on this. I had been looking forward to digesting the history of this idiotic culture and implementing it in a format that simpletons could understand.

Keep up the good work!

Coinich

 

[Own]

When you have free time and the self motivation to do so, perhaps you could chronicle our crusade against the MIA, even if the fight happened months ago, would be interesting to read.

 

[Admiral Kutzov]

Fellow Idiots:

My most profuse apologies for being conspicuously absent over the last 6+ weeks. My new role at work has taken up virtually all of my free time as the end of year draws near. Additionally, the travel requirements have been hellish as I try to keep everyone happy, and gainfully employed... so to speak. Based upon my current, and expected, schedule - my story writing career is over for at least a few months.

I regret the poor timing on this. I had been looking forward to digesting the history of this idiotic culture and implementing it in a format that simpletons could understand.

Keep up the good work!

Coinich

For Immediate Release to the Media:

Following Dr. Coinich's abrupt departure from his teaching duties over six months ago, the Board of Trustees has conducted an investigation into his activies.

It is with a heavy heart and brain cell that we announce that Dr. Coinich has been linked with certain boderline activities. It seems that the history department is missing several casks of wine and various female undergarments have been discovered in his dust covered office.

Our intrepid investigator hath discovered that Dr. Coinich's "new role at work" was consorting with one infamous Matilda Nefarious of palace shame and dancing lessons legend.

The "hellish travel requirements" appear to have included several trips to the Explosive Isle for consultations with an as yet unidentified group.

Several inflammatory manifestos have been found, implicating Dr. Coinich as a member of the Dinsog Dormitory.

At this time, the Board wishes to disavow the actions of Dr. Coinich until he can be interviewed to 'splain his activities. In the interim, the Board appoints Igor as the History Chair of the University of Simpleton, with full assurance that everyone will understand his words and pictures.

The Board refers all protests about this announcement to The Meleet.

By the way, please increase research funding.

 

[Admiral Kutzov]

For immediate release to the media from University of Simpleton Board of Trustees:

Dr. Igor, an idiot of impecable credentials, has assumed the Chair of History at the University of Simpleton.



Dr. Igor first gained notarity for his analysis of early naval activity and stone throwing devices as a graduate student. His doctoral thesis, "Effects of Wind on Female Undergarments in Historical Context" gathered the highly
coveted Rower Prize for it's detailed charts and graphs. He was next recognized for a post-doctoral study, "I'm an Idiot. You're Not. We'll have to Kill You." While highly controversial in the non-idiot world, this analysis of despotic and post-despotic thinking garnered critical acclaim in the Idiot Lands.

Dr. Igor has been given wide latitude to determine the composition of his department, including the power to host refugee guest speakers from the heathen Explosive Isle.

However, his primary mandate will be to formulate a childlike history of idiocy as applicable to the MTDG.

Dr. Igor will work when he feels up to it.

 

[scoutsout]

...the Board appoints Igor as the History Chair of the University of Simpleton, with full assurance that everyone will understand his words and pictures.

Yes, lots of pictures, please. And be sure to include some bright colors and shiny objects. (Has anyone colored in our book at the Library of Simpleton?)

By the way, please increase research funding.

Ummm...no. We need more troops.

 

[Admiral Kutzov]

Excerpt from BEF History 101 term paper:

In the beginning, the idiots were numerically inferior (they had more people than we did). To wit:

Beorn-el-Feared: Good tactics but overall screw-up, might hopefully lead them to stupid plans that'll lose the game
Whomp: goes under many aliases Whomper, Panda Boy, Whompee...once screwed up the ToE so bad in a SG that he ended up with fascism as his free tech. Major League Idiot. Played by Charlie Sheen in Major League.
Tubby Rower: manages to mine food bonuses in despotism. Civ revs his motor. Added new member to the clan 9 months + after start. Mrs. Rower has yet to discover this is not good.
Daghdha:Big sign, small office. Sometimes starts a regent game "just to get even". Takes over when we want to send disinformation to non-idiots.
gmaharriet: wannabe (unlikely to be) strategic game thinker, aka the blind woman who can't see "red". Makes cookies like you wouldn't believe.
AK: banned
Mistfit: Sorted SG & SGOTM history. Once devised a plan to give away a size 11 fully improved, 2nd ring, Industrial Age, city to the enemy. Also the bearer of many Wooden SGOTM Utensils. In short questionable player....but rather stylish. Newsletters kick butt.
Bede: pretentious, cantankerous, prolix, over analytical monk. Pontificating.
Pentium: Capable of capturing a city with an overpowering SoD regardless of the fact that the enemy just captured half of his empty core.
Kickbooti: Word weaver. Invitation to host the ovorp is dead chair at the university pending. Tries to comment often enough that people don't notice he doesn't say anything. (Likes Temples, but knows enough to keep quiet about it.)
Bugs:Grumpy, ancient, mean, plays Ride of the Viking Ladies in silly helmets when playing civ.
Own: Young grasshoppah, known for making silly stupid mistakes in SG's, too bad he hasn't played any turns.
Tomasz: The mysterious Barbarian Slav ... known also as Louis XVI after 1789 AD ( turn 356 ) AWOL
Gozpel: Known for naming his first warrior Bubba. Also famous for his: "Just whack them. Whack'em all! AWOL
scoutsout: Second-hand warhorse; kicked out of class in GK2. Knows the difference between a calculated risk and a stupid gamble, but doesn't always care. Has lost more armies to culture flips than combat. Problems with limp stoogies. Advertising for Athena. Will share chainsaw.

Due to their charismatic nature, the idiots bred in manner similar to bunnies. For the proof of this theorem, PM BEF.

 

[Whomp]

Professor Igor...can we offer any classes like
Essentials of K.I.S.S. 110: What to read?
or
Effective Posting at K.I.S.S. 210: Fear Factor explored
or
Advanced Idiocy 530: Making it a way of life
or
Grumpy and its impact 311: The most effective path to being full fledged grumpy

 

[Ansar]

Professor Coinich, might I ask what kind of a Ph.D is that?

 

[Admiral Kutzov]

For Immediate Release:

The University Regents wish to announce that a generous endowment from the Rower Family has funded a symposium on Diplomatic Paradigms in Modern Warfare.

8:00 -10:00 An Explanation of Charts and Graphs and What They Really Mean by Mr. Rower (he's funding this thingy)

10:00 - 11:00 mid-morning fiesta in Slinger Hall. Bloody Marys and doughnuts will be served. Grumbling and grumpiness required.

11:00 - noon Isn't Ethan Really Handsome and Smart for His Age? Slide show by Mr. Rower.

Noon - 2:00pm Welcome New Idiots mixer. Informal discussion of why TNT attacks with pikes. and pizza.

2:00 - 4:00pm Guest Speaker Kickbooti explains the nuances of an iron fist in a velvet glove. Master at Arms will require pictorial identification. Sub-context for the single idiots, how to meet a significant other without diplomatic incident. Seating is limited. Please sign up early. To date, Scout and Beorn have reserved.

5:00 - ? Happy Hours. Music by Bugs and the Boys. They'll be playing their smash hit, "Provo, Provo, you gotta go" More . As a special treat, some of our younger diplomats have liberated fireworks from Fe's ship. There will be and toasting to celebrate Grahamian's latest victory.

Coming soon, "A Short History of D-Day"

 

[Admiral Kutzov]

An idiot's guide to KISS or how to learn to love gunpowder, by whomp

The nuts and bolts are we started the game making friends with MIA (greeks to our south on our continent) and sharing techs. Donuts (Iroquois) and TNT (Persia) had an early despotic GA war. This set both of them back a bit.

When our deal with MIA was done there was some controversy when they gifted TNT into the MA's so they could both share free techs. This angered us mightily.

We have made the right friends now in Donut. We have an agreement to share techs, research, defensive pact agreement till the end of the MA's.

In the meantime, we split borders and made peace for 50 more turns with MIA just before April Fool's Day. April Fool's Day, a great day for all idiots really, we declared war on TNT. They are now in a world of hurt because 2 or 3 turns ago Donut declared on them and are rambling through their jungle cities.

Ultimately this indirectly hurts MIA because their partner is toast. We are trying to get Donut to make MIA believe Donut is stabbing us in the back by trading with Donut. This is a developing situation.

Most of our diplomacy is done on IM. I'm at bawhompATyahooDOTcom if you want to hook us with some of us. The out of game activities are just as interesting as the in game activities. Recently, our Grumpy old men have played most of our turns. Scoutsout, Grahamiam and Bugsy.

 

[Sir Bugsy]

5:00 - ? Happy Hours. Music by Bugs and the Boys. They'll be playing their smash hit, "Provo, Provo, you gotta go" More .

I'll be posting an MP3 of it soon. It will be sung to the Ramones "I Wanna Be Sedated."

 

[Admiral Kutzov]

Scout in preparation for D-Day:



Former POTKISS Whomp in the war rooom:



our boats departing for the invasion:

 

[jb1964]

I'll be posting an MP3 of it soon. It will be sung to the Ramones "I Wanna Be Sedated."

I'de buy that for a dollar.

 

[Sir Bugsy]

Provo, You Gotta Go
Lyrics by Bugs (with apologies to Johnny, Joey, Tommy and Dee Dee)
(sung to “I Wanna be Sedated&#8221

Provo- Provo- Provo- You gotta go
We don’t want your bulls**t
Nothing to say
Nothing but bull
We don’t want your bulls**t
Just shoot me in the head
I’m better off that way
Hurry hurry hurry you’re driving me insane
I can't control your fingers
I can't control your brain
Oh no oh no
(play four times, then&#8230

Baa, Baa Ba Ba, Ba Baa Baa Ba Ba
We don’t want your bulls**t
(play four times)



Edit: typo

 

[Ansar]

*the crowd goes wild*

we want more!

 

[Admiral Kutzov]

That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane,
simon is not afraid
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn - world
Serves its own needs, dont misserve your own needs. Feed
It off an aux speak, grunt, no, strength,turn, ladder
Start to clatter with fear fight down height. Wire
In a fire, representing seven games, in a government
For hire and a combat site. Left of west and coming in
A hurry with the furies breathing down your neck. Team
By team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped
Look at that low playing! Fine, then. Uh oh,
Overflow, population, common food, but it'll do. Save
Yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs,
Listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and
The revered and the right, right. You vitriolic,
Patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty
Psyched

It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine

Six o'clock - history hour. Don't get caught in foreign
Towers. Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself
Churn. Locking in, uniforming,and book burning, blood
Letting. Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate
Light a candle, light a motive. Step down, step down
Watch your heel crush, crushed, uh-oh, this means no
Fear cavalier. Renegade steer clear! A tournament,
a Tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer me solutions,
Offer me alternatives and I decline

(chorus)
It's the end of the world as we know it (it's time I had some time alone)
It's the end of the world as we know it (it's time I had some time alone)
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine (it's time I had some
time alone)

I feel fine

(repeat chorus)

The other night I dreamt of knives, continental
Drift divide. Mountains sit in a line, Leonard
Bede. Sir Bugsy, Provo and whomper
Bangs. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You
Symbiotic, patriotic, slam book neck, right? Right

(repeat chorus)

It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine (it's time I had some
time alone)

(repeat chorus 2x)

Fine
It's the end of the world as we know it (it's time I had some time alone)

We've had a formal vote. What is this world coming too? I would rather face 1000 deaths. Time to fall on my sabre. The horror! The horror!