How do you deal with stubborn apathy?

[Moff Jerjerrod]

Asking for a friend....

Well actually truth be told I'm asking for myself. We've all bumped into people in our lives who become friends and then suddenly disappear. There are many reasons why we lose friends but I'd like to talk about one specific case and ask how do you all cope?

Let's say you are part of a large friend group at school, work, or online. A massive fight breaks out because one individual in the friend group has a horrible and beastly argument over politics with another individual. Everyone was getting along fine until these two individuals waged an online war against each other due to differences of opinion.

Eventually one of them leaves the group and takes a sizable amount of the community with him and they start another site somewhere else.

I was not involved in the argument and never really did find out what the specifics were. All I know is that those who left, including some that seemed to be close friends with me, never told me where they were going or what happened.

A year or two later I find out where they all went and join the site but I've been feeling such a cold shoulder that I feel like I have been labeled a traitor for never joining them in the first place.

Now I'm no saint, trust me I am a wretch like any other person, but I feel that why I have been treated excommunicado for something I didn't do. I never harmed anyone. No matter how hard I try I can't 'make up' and be friendly with these stubborn apathetic people.

What would you do and how would you handle the situation? If I didn't care about these guys I would tell them all to GFY and die but the inner me wants everything to be happy and friendly again.

I'm confused....

 

[Valka D'Ur]

Are there one or two people among them with whom you were closer than the rest, who you would trust to be honest with you? If so, it couldn't hurt to reach out and ask why you've been essentially banished from the group since you're sure you didn't participate in whatever it was that broke it up.

If they tell you and the situation is fixable, great.

If they ignore you... well, you could persist, but there are times when it might be best to let it go.

 

[Terxpahseyton]

Well I kinda already am gone, but to this I gladly yet reply.

As always, things actually are very simple. If someone does not listen to you, do not talk to them. Otherwise, you end up at what the Bible calls "casting pearls before swine". The more pearls you cast, the more the swine will usually ... "swinefy" if I may take the freedom to just invent this verb on the fly. Meaning, your desperate efforts to be listened to will only validate the person in how it views its relationship to you. You are, after all, acting it out. This is a feedback loop, see? What actually is said may in extreme cases be almost irrelevant,

So whom to talk to? How about you start by talking to people who don't sit on such a high horse, and who are willing to open themselves up to you. So you may do so at well. And the rest really finds itself.

I mean the general picture I got from your post is that of a kindergarten. Just that when I was in kindergarten I remember us to still be socially more mature than this, overall. Maybe. Am a bit biting right now. You get the point.

I hope this was helpful..

 

[Moff Jerjerrod]

Are there one or two people among them with whom you were closer than the rest, who you would trust to be honest with you? If so, it couldn't hurt to reach out and ask why you've been essentially banished from the group since you're sure you didn't participate in whatever it was that broke it up.

If they tell you and the situation is fixable, great.

If they ignore you... well, you could persist, but there are times when it might be best to let it go.

Thank you Valka. Unfortunately I have already tried to reach out but I was ignored. I'm beginning to think it is time to just let go.

Well I kinda already am gone, but to this I gladly yet reply.

As always, things actually are very simple. If someone does not listen to you, do not talk to them. Otherwise, you end up at what the Bible calls "casting pearls before swine". The more pearls you cast, the more the swine will usually ... "swinefy" if I may take the freedom to just invent this verb on the fly. Meaning, your desperate efforts to be listened to will only validate the person in how it views its relationship to you. You are, after all, acting it out. This is a feedback loop, see? What actually is said may in extreme cases be almost irrelevant,

So whom to talk to? How about you start by talking to people who don't sit on such a high horse, and who are willing to open themselves up to you. So you may do so at well. And the rest really finds itself.

I mean the general picture I got from your post is that of a kindergarten. Just that when I was in kindergarten I remember us to still be socially more mature than this, overall. Maybe. Am a bit biting right now. You get the point.

I hope this was helpful..

Terxpahseyton thank you so much for that pearl of wisdom. God bless you!
Yes I have read that before and you make me understand now how to apply it to my situation. Wow, that is an eye opener. They are sitting on a high horse and unwilling to open up. I fell into their trap. I'll stop contributing to the feedback loop! Haha!

 

[Narz]

Have you met any of these people IRL?

I would be hesitant to consider anyone you've not met in person a friend. Online communication is easy (espeically when its not real time) you connect 100% on your schedule and it's easy to cut off, reject or disrespect someone who's face you'll never see.

I'd see it as an opportunity to try to build deeper friendships going forward.

Also it shows a good spirit that you want everyone to be cool and get along but sadly you cannot force these things.

Obviously it's sad and I know the feeling but if people are willing to shun and reject you for your perceived taking sides in a situation you haven't even been briefed on they're not worth your time.

 

[EvaDK]

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but friendships that were forfeited so easily as you describe, were probably never real in the first place.

 

[Moff Jerjerrod]

Hi Narz,

I know two of them personally and have met them once IRL for breakfast. Those two aren't treating me badly online but they are ignoring me. I agree I tried to instigate a discussion on the forum to build/rebuild friendships but it got no where. Thanks for your thoughts.

Hi EvaDK,

I believe what you say and it's not harsh. It's reality. I guess I take relationships seriously whether online only or IRL but as Narz said you can't force everyone to be friendly.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

Have you met any of these people IRL?

I would be hesitant to consider anyone you've not met in person a friend. Online communication is easy (espeically when its not real time) you connect 100% on your schedule and it's easy to cut off, reject or disrespect someone who's face you'll never see.

I'd see it as an opportunity to try to build deeper friendships going forward.

Also it shows a good spirit that you want everyone to be cool and get along but sadly you cannot force these things.

Obviously it's sad and I know the feeling but if people are willing to shun and reject you for your perceived taking sides in a situation you haven't even been briefed on they're not worth your time.

Meeting and knowing people in RL is no guarantee it's real, either. Some people are either reliably understanding of what friendship means, and some aren't. This holds true whether the people have met in person and/or online.

 

[Narz]

Meeting and knowing people in RL is no guarantee it's real, either. Some people are either reliably understanding of what friendship means, and some aren't. This holds true whether the people have met in person and/or online.

That's true. I lost a friend last year who I've known almost a decade and who I let crash @ my apartment for over a year during coronatimes.

I've been more discriminaing about friendships lately which has resulted in almost no local friends sadly. I'm pretty busy w work and kids but I still miss having a social life. But I'd rather be more solitary than deal w people who only text when they're lonely or need something.

There's some local meet & greet an acquaintance told me about in the grocery store (that's where I saw her not where meetup is lol) that I'm gonna try to check out on Fri.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

That's true. I lost a friend last year who I've known almost a decade and who I let crash @ my apartment for over a year during coronatimes.

I've been more discriminaing about friendships lately which has resulted in almost no local friends sadly. I'm pretty busy w work and kids but I still miss having a social life. But I'd rather be more solitary than deal w people who only text when they're lonely or need something.

There's some local meet & greet an acquaintance told me about in the grocery store (that's where I saw her not where meetup is lol) that I'm gonna try to check out on Fri.

It's funny around here... before the pandemic, there were occasional parties in the social room here. The manager tried to coax me out of my suite, saying, "there's free pizza..."

Okay, so I went for the free pizza. There were magicians for the kids, and I had to yell at a parent who wasn't paying attention to his rugrat who put his fingers in the wheel well of my walker. Lucky thing I noticed, or the kid could have been seriously injured since his fingers were right where the brakes go when they're moved.

The real way to meet the neighbors around here is during fire alarms. Half the people in the building own cats, and bring them along either in carriers or wrapped up in blankets. First you meet the cat, then talk to the cat's human. Or sometimes the cat gets out, gravitates to my place, and I meet the human when trying to get the cat home again (sometimes it takes awhile to figure out where "home" is).

 

[Narz]

I probably know almost as many cats around town as humans lol. I could populate an app w friendly cats within walking distance.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

I probably know almost as many cats around town as humans lol. I could populate an app w friendly cats within walking distance.

Or dogs, as was the case years ago when I lived in a house and knew most of the dogs in the neighborhood. I'd get off the bus when coming home from college or shopping, and had to stop for a pet/scratch/conversation with various dogs between there and home. These included a Great Dane, two Basset Hounds, a chihuahua, a Jack Russel Terrier, a couple of German Shepherds, and one or two dogs I occasionally saw. And yeah, I met the humans and was on good terms with them.

 

[Hygro]

I’m confused, what does the thread title have to do with the thread content?

 

[Moff Jerjerrod]

I’m confused, what does the thread title have to do with the thread content?

Well it started out with my asking for advice on how to repair damaged friendships but is getting a bit sidetracked with a cat discussion.

For the protection and integrity of this thread I fully support the discussions of cats in this thread and do not consider it a deviation from the intent of the thread. Unless of course the mods say otherwise. Haha!

 

[Narz]

.For the protection and integrity of this thread I fully support the discussions of cats in this thread and do not consider it a deviation from the intent of the thread.

This cat never plays me like your forummates. She sees me hang out w cats she doesn't like (my cats who follow me around the block on walks) but she's still chill w me.

 

[Hygro]

Well it started out with my asking for advice on how to repair damaged friendships but is getting a bit sidetracked with a cat discussion.

For the protection and integrity of this thread I fully support the discussions of cats in this thread and do not consider it a deviation from the intent of the thread. Unless of course the mods say otherwise. Haha!

I guess with all due respect I still don’t see what friends taking sides and demanding you take their side has to do with apathy of all things.

 

[Birdjaguar]

[sigh....]

 

[Moff Jerjerrod]

I guess with all due respect I still don’t see what friends taking sides and demanding you take their side has to do with apathy of all things.

I think I understand what you mean now. I mention apathy because no matter how hard I tried to bring peace and try to convince people to become friends again they just ignored me. Apathy was not showing me that they even cared about trying or even saying they don't want to try. They just ignored. I was hurt but am over it now. This thread helped me a lot.

 

[Moff Jerjerrod]

Here is a picture of Mr. Socks. He has such a hard life! LOL

 

[Valka D'Ur]

Well it started out with my asking for advice on how to repair damaged friendships but is getting a bit sidetracked with a cat discussion.

For the protection and integrity of this thread I fully support the discussions of cats in this thread and do not consider it a deviation from the intent of the thread. Unless of course the mods say otherwise. Haha!

When you hang around OT long enough, sooner or later every thread will mention cats at some point. Even the ones I'm not part of (good morning/afternoon/evening, I'm the forum's resident cat lady, who gets annoyed if the cr-word enters that designation).

As for repairing friendships, cats fix everything.